Chapter 2 certain mood

I envy your help, Belle!In fact, I passed by your house the day before yesterday, and saw your eldest daughter riding a bicycle home from school, and she was innocently ringing the car bell instead of calling the door, the bell was ringing eagerly, I wanted to see you throw down the cooking shovel , wiped the sweat off her head with her apron, hurried out to open the door for her daughter, then hurried back to the kitchen, picked up the shovel, and hurriedly stirred the burnt vegetables in the pot.How can I go in and disturb you at this time?So I hesitated for a moment and let the car pass by.Who would have thought that you wrote yesterday and asked me to come to your house to have a chat!

My work is dull, and people ask me: What do you care about?I said just draw some pictures.The person who asked me must be very happy for me, ah!Isn't that what you like?How to find such a suitable job for you!I will answer my friends' concern for me with a smile.Actually, what picture did I draw?It's just a graph!But I still want to thank my friends who found this job for me. When they said they were looking for a staff member who could draw pictures, my friend immediately thought that I was a person who could draw pictures when I was in trouble.And me?I was just anxious to find a job.I fully agreed!I said without shame, of course I can draw!This is what I learned!In fact, there are no statistical graphs in the various graphs I have learned!I'm so bold, just like what you people in Peking say: People are in a hurry to hang on a beam, but dogs are in a hurry to jump over a wall!Impatient like a dog, I jumped from drawing to statistics!I went to the library to read statistics books for a day, and then swaggered to work.

The air in the countryside is so good, the blue sky is vast, and at dusk, people seem to be immersed in thick wine. From the perspective of pictures, it is extremely beautiful.At this time, I got off work, and with the drawing board in my hand, I walked back to my residence on the clean gravel road.I nod and smile when I meet everyone, as if I am a person who has a busy day at work, and now I am going home to enjoy a happy family life!In fact, I picked a leaf from a small roadside tree and chewed it in my mouth, feeling very lonely. Then I would think, go see Belle, it would be good to hear something from her!

I went back to the lodgings with nothing to do and nothing to do.Wash my handkerchief, smoke my cigarette, think about my thoughts.I wish to be busy and not to think about my thoughts.There was no one to talk to, and I felt like I was standing on a deserted island.Is this what I asked for?Sometimes I really want to suffer from backache and bone headaches to torture myself.This idea is too worthy to hit! Bring my kisses to your beautiful daughter, she's a big girl now.When I first met you, you were as old as your daughter!But the second time I saw you was now, twenty years later, so to speak, we are really old friends, although we haven't met each other for twenty years, and we don't know each other's situation.I cherish the friendship when I met you again, because you have seen some of my original situation and some of my current situation.

When Mr. Zhao told me that an old friend of mine was inquiring about me, I couldn’t remember who you were. To be honest, when Mr. Zhao brought me to your house, I saw you and your wife. Not impressed anymore.But the few times I made friends with you in Peiping, I deeply remember them as friends in art, theater and journalism.Everyone is friendly and lively. You are two of them. This memory is a whole, so I can’t remember you two alone.You two were not married at that time, and you were also in love!ah!Like the two of us, we are in love! After receiving your letter, I stopped writing here.After ten days, I want to tear up the letter and have a chat with you, isn't it the same?But speaking and writing letters are often different, especially for me who is clumsy.The writing on it stopped because it aroused some of my moods.

When Mr. Zhao reintroduced us, naively, you immediately brought up the past. Although I have been unwilling to see my old friends again for many years, since I appeared this time and appeared in front of my old friends, then I I don't care if you like to talk about the past.So, when we met again for the first time, we were indeed like old friends. I will tell you some stories about it.It's just that what I'm talking about is the situation, not the mood. Let's talk about my mood slowly. Don't say everything at once, or our friendship will be broken again!smile. I'm afraid I won't be able to go to your place recently. The work of statistical charts has suddenly become heavy. It is said that the superiors want to know our detailed situation, so they have to work overtime. This time I am busy, so I don't need to envy you anymore.

Do you like a drawing I gave you yesterday?People have to be busy to work hard. The more I count and draw more pictures, the more revengeful I want to draw my own pictures.According to child psychology, children have a strong sense of resistance when they reach a certain stage, so children often vomit no when they are a few years old!Here comes the word.But I thought that resistance consciousness is the nature of human beings, innate, what age!dont you agree?Belle? I am a rebel. Although I have failed many times, I am still rebelling. I even rebel against drawing statistical charts.I can't resist by not painting, but by painting something else. This is the situation of my painting recently, and it is also the reason why I send you a painting.

When I got married, he intentionally asked me to put down my brush, not because I wanted to paint, but because he wanted me to leave my friends in the art world.I really want to do this too, throw it away! , cooperate with him who is completely irrelevant!He and I come from different places; he and I have different aspirations.Belle, what's the big deal?Aren't our mothers' marriages all such strange unions? This person was found by my mother for me. It is said that he can forgive my ridiculous past, because I was deceived and deserves to be forgiven, but there is one condition, I have to put down my paintbrush and art, no matter what.The romantic life that art invites has killed me, they give me such vigilance.

I was totally numb because that guy really ruined me a bit, and then he went away and gave me such an embarrassment.I hated him, so I obeyed my mother and married someone else.This time I was really married. My mother treated me like a piece of pure white jade and gave me a rich dowry. The guests in the auditorium (except that there were no artists!) sent me into the bridal chamber with a beautiful makeup.Starting from scratch, who knows how traumatized I was physically and mentally! It's funny to think about it, Belle, how can a woman be with a man casually for the first time, and get married seriously for the second time?

I really don't have art any more, those friends have gradually forgotten about me.But I am still allowed to make art at home. For example, I have a sketchbook full of my loneliness. I draw what I think of or see.He didn't look at it at all, and never asked, turning a blind eye.But one day I drew a violin, and we didn't speak for months.Is your husband such a person?I don't think he is. He never forgets to joke with me when he sees me, as if I have been old friends with you for twenty years. He is so innocent and funny, your sir.But he doesn't!I hoped he tore up that violin and quarreled with me, and then I ran away in anger, and he persuaded me to come back or something, but no, what is scarier than not talking?Belle.

But this kind of life has passed for twenty years. Belle, it goes without saying that you understand the picture of the violin.You were a violin listener too, weren't you? At that time, my heart was full of desperate will, and I followed his piano to your Beiping.As soon as we got off the train, people crowded us into some kind of building, eating fat, oily and shiny roast duck, did I know you that day?Belle?I don't remember, there are men and women in a room, I heard that there are reporters, are there not you?Didn't you say that you were once a little female reporter? People didn't see me because he was the hero of the day and they were giving him a date to play.I like to watch heroes, I fall in love with him, lose myself in him, in your Peking.Then back south, I was thrown away.It's too fast, I haven't heard his piano clearly yet?Did you hear me clearly?Belle?Didn't he play the concerto but the prelude to the storm? Later people noticed me, saying that there was a girl next to the violinist, and there were some rumors, true or false.Afterwards, I talked about it, and there was nothing to hide. Beiping is so far away from the south, so far away from my home.I'm enamored of him, I'm afraid it has been revealed in my manner and expression?Little girl reporter, how did you feel at the time? Belle, I think back then, when we were traveling in Beiping, of course, you and I didn't know each other well, we knew each other very little.But now when I see you, it's like turning over my own history. Were you there when you went to Biyun Temple and Reclining Buddha Temple in Xishan?Yes, you said it.We took a photo together. All the people sat in line under the stone archway of Biyun Temple, and there was only one lying in front of all of us, imitating the posture of reclining Buddha, and that was him.He is tall and very handsome.I have committed myself to the hero, and I am willing to be his piano and be supported by him. Belle, I hope you don't bring up my memories!I'm now a wet, rotten rag tossed around.For women, it is tragic, but also very common. After writing these, it seems that I am too far away, have no theme, and can’t talk about it. You may think that I am writing this because I feel sad, but don’t think so, I am writing this to chat with you because I am happy.Your time is more precious than mine, but I guess you'd still like to have an outsider friend to talk to! The year I met you was also when I first stepped into the crowd. It wasn't long before I ended my social life, gave up everything, got married and returned to my family.Now, I'm out again, but I'm so tired!You don't have the courage you used to have, and you can see it, so let's talk about it first!Now that I have come out. I made a trip back south.I brought you a big watermelon all the way from Pingtung, lifted it off the train and almost smashed it, but you were not at home when it was delivered to your house.I heard you went to buy calico for the children.Your daughter is delighted, and she says Ma's going to make us aprons, and they'll need four yards of cloth each.My God, are they so tall that they waste materials like this?Why are you so excited?Your girls surround me and ask me who is the picture on the wall?During the Anti-Japanese War, I visited some Miao girls during my trip to the Southwest. This time I went home and stopped at Shandimen, not far from Pingtung, and painted some local women. I like to draw figures in local costumes, but I don’t know how to make clothes. , This time when I go home, I will buy a few shirts for the child. If I can make them, the child must be happier. I went back because my child was sick, and I accompanied him, and he said: Mom, with you by my side, my life is more interesting.Listen, if you say something like this, do you still have the heart to walk away?But I still walked away and came back to the north.I want to get rid of the air that has nearly suffocated me for twenty years.This feeling of rebellion is so strong, what can be done!The child can rest assured that his father treats him very well.Our daughter died at a very young age in the rear of the Anti-Japanese War, and now this is the only one we have!He is very talkative, unlike his dad.The current child is really amazing (you don’t think I’m praising my son, okay), when I decided to leave home again, I asked my son’s opinion, he didn’t seem to care, waved his hand and said: If you want to go, just go and forget it. When I am facing you both at the same time, I want to open the window. why? The air is extremely stuffy! yo yo!He actually said such a thing.So I came north with peace of mind. But Belle, I may visit Hualien recently. Don’t you like Taroko very much?I'm going to take a trip too. Belle, have you heard anything lately?About me?Is anyone talking about me?One day, I heard something and got drunk.I don't know why I was so excited, I pressed my heart and told myself to calm down, but it was impossible.My age, my years of calm state of mind, should not be so excited, but I couldn't bear it, and finally decided to go to Hualien. My mood at this time is only known to me, and I can’t reveal it to others at all. It’s extremely painful. This is called torture. It’s like a piece of silk. It can’t be torn from the strong edge. Let me cut a small slit. Let me use my strength, from that notch, I tore it all at once.You have to work hard!It takes courage! Belle!I am writing this letter to you from my home in Pingtung.I came back again, left Hualien, and left Taipei. The child missed me so much, he said: I told you to go, that was to comfort you, I know you are sullen, I want you to go to Taipei to relax.But with you gone, my life has lost a lot of fun. Listen, he speaks in an old-fashioned way!He said again: Mom!Your pillow smells so good! In fact, I am a lazy person and don't tidy my clothes very much. How can my pillow smell good?It's just that the child wants to be close to me. So, I'm back. Is that why I came back?ah!Belle. I didn't go to say goodbye to you, for fear of letting you see my haggard description.After returning from Hualien, I fell ill, too tired, too tired, this body and mind.I wanted to see you, but I couldn't drag my body and mood, but I dragged myself back to my home in Pingtung. Belle, when I ran away from home in anger, I was determined to create a world outside. Of course, the world can’t be talked about. I just want to find a place for myself. everything that has been given to me.Belle, I'm not saying he's bad, he's not bad for people or things, it's just that I don't get along with him.I don't hate him.It is said that there is no love without hate, right? But this time I made the saying that the soup tofu is dried from Jiangsu and Zhejiang. Belle, do you remember the letter I sent you when I left for Hualien?Suddenly my heart was filled with old emotions and I ran to Hualien.I almost blurted it out to you in that letter, but held back. I heard that he is in Hualien. In such a situation where I was bored to death and had no choice but to hear that he was in Hualien, it immediately stirred up a wave in my chest.Why am I doing this?He is the one I hate!But, Belle, he was my love too!That kind of heart-to-heart love has never been experienced before or since.I am not a skeleton of feelings, after all, I have loved.I want to see his mood, which is extremely high and cannot be suppressed.I drank a lot and tried to get drunk and restrain myself, but it was impossible.Perhaps for nearly twenty years my feelings had been suppressed so much that they were breaking down, and the dams in my heart were not strong enough to hold them back. For nearly twenty years, I haven't heard from him, not because I left the art world, but because he also disappeared from the art world at that time.There were no reports of his playing in the newspapers. It was heard that his women were replaced one by one. He only liked women, and he didn't like his violin anymore.As far as his situation is concerned, I know so far. On the Suhua Highway, looking at the boundless ocean, my heart suddenly widened. The love of traveling in the mountains and rivers in Peiping, following the waves of the Pacific Ocean in front of me, poured into my heart.The image of the hero is clear, and the soft rhythm of the concerto is heard from the sea, and everything looks beautiful.Forget the time, forget the resentment, as if I was in the spring of that year in Peiping, wearing a veil, riding a donkey and climbing Xiangshan with you.I heard that if you climb up from the Shuangqing villa in Xiangshan, you can climb to the top of the mountain of Guijianshou, it is not an easy task, Belle, my memory is wrong?The Suhua Highway is also a lovely and frightening highway. Someone described the thrill of the Suhua Highway and said: You must go, you can’t go again, it’s actually not that serious, but those narrow turns on the Qingshui Cliff are really scary Make people close their eyes because the driver is turning and you think he is driving into the sea!Isn't this turbulent mood just like the little yellow donkey running along the mountain path?For an inexplicable hope, a thrill is not a thrill. There is a middle school in Hualien, which is doing well. I heard that he teaches there.I naively thought that he had had enough of being tortured by women, his mood became calm, he found that remote and quiet place in Hualien to live, and taught and taught indifferently.His residence is near the foot of the mountain, surrounded by bamboo fences, cypress floors, and full of rustic bamboo utensils. There is a young girl of the Amis nationality who cooks tea for him and listens to the sound of her single master's piano under the window. My coming will surprise him and make him feel ashamed. I may smile bitterly at him, and he may say: Shanshan, you are not old at all!Yes, I am not old at all. My emotions at this time are the emotions that linger in Beijing, how can I get old! Ah, the paper is full of nonsense. I didn't feel nervous about meeting him. Before I reached my destination, I thought so much. What else is there to think about now?Therefore, my mood has become extremely peaceful, like walking a familiar way home and stepping into the gate of middle school. The worker in the communication room replied to me: there is such a teacher as Hong Danli.Said that he lived in the small house on the right outside the back gate of the campus. My steps slowed down.I was eager to see him when I came, but now that it is almost here, I would like to have a leisurely time and a relatively long and winding road to his residence, so that I can walk a little longer and look forward to it a little longer. Belle, it would be cruel to me to go on, but I know you are eager to see, and you are sweating for me, wondering how I shall meet him.Belle, stare at me for a minute or two, and then I'm gone, that blazing hope that was extinguished so quickly! There was a fence, indeed, and the little wooden door was open, and an old man was fanning the fire, straightened up, stooped.When I wanted to go forward to inquire, I immediately realized that this crooked old man was the hero of my dreams I was looking for!Immediately I backed out with a foot that had stuck through the wooden door.A little dirty child came out of the house and called him Dad. He slapped the child with a fan in disgust. I stared at it for a while, and before he looked up, I turned and walked away. It was not a meeting, just a strange glimpse, no surprise, no affection, no pity. But when I returned to Taipei, I fell ill. I only felt tired physically and mentally like never before. A thin wooden bed supported my life. My feeling of loss was very bitter! Just then, a letter from the child arrived.He said what I wrote before, and he said, if mom, you don't urge me to study, I will join the ranks of vicious tutoring. The middle school exam is too difficult. Belle, I'm actually not qualified to put myself in a sad mood, let's see if I can stand up from the embarrassing scene.