Chapter 18 Chapter Seventeen

Every time I come back to Lumin, I feel very shocked.Soot-covered skies, houses blackened with soot.The impoverished poor, and the crowded streets.But the shock passed quickly.When the train pulled into the station, Bernie no longer wondered how everyone could live in such a filthy environment.When the carriage pulled up in front of her father's house, she no longer even felt the stench of horse manure piled up along the street. However, seeing the father's face is the shock that really hurts.His face was pale, his skin was loose, his eyebrows and eyelashes were sparse, his lips were bloodless, tilted to the side that had been paralyzed after a previous stroke.She realized that he was indeed dying.A few hours before Bernie got home, he had another stroke.She asked about the doctor's diagnosis.There is no cure for Aijifei, and it is estimated that it will not last for a week.But he is alive now.

He is well cared for.Bernie's stepbrother was sickly, so her stepmother was experienced in nursing the sick, and she employed two able nurses, whose work was well distributed.The patients and wards are so clean and tidy that the bedpan is barely noticeable. Would you like some tea?Carrie asked. Bonnie shook her head. Jiali is already twenty-five years old, but she still has the baby face of her childhood, with round eyes, high cheekbones, and a slightly turned nose.When the train arrived, Carrie waited on the platform, looking young, slim and bright, the green ribbon on her straw hat fluttering in the wind and steam.Bei Ni's heart throbbed, she really looked like her deceased biological mother, as if Tao Tao had walked out of her cherished memory.

On the way home in the carriage, they said nothing.They didn't kiss, never kissed, even though they had lived together in the empty mansion when they were children. Bernie tried.After Tao Tao passed away, she poured all her love into Tao Tao's children.In her imagination, they were shipwreck survivors on the same lifeboat, sisters and close friends, sailing together to a new life of safety. However, compared with Bernie's desire to be close to others, Carrie avoids it.She doesn't like to be kissed, touched or hugged, and she doesn't like to listen to nursery rhymes.Bernie tried to tell her a story, but she got under the table or the bed and plugged her fingers in her ears.

Bernie couldn't get her to talk.None of the games and activities she and Taotao had played before could arouse Jiali's interest.Sometimes when Carrie saw Bernie coming, she would even turn and run in the opposite direction. Finally she learned not to harass Carrie anymore.She accepts that she is alone in this lifeboat, and that she must paddle alone across the boundless ocean of her childhood, even when she lands. When Jiali was five years old, her stepmother and tutor came to the mansion. She immediately accepted them, shed her self-enclosed personality, and became a little girl who loves to laugh and be lively.Bei Ni didn't feel much pain in her eyes.

Are you leaving again soon?Carrie asked. With no plans yet, Bernie leaves her father's hospital bed. Where is Leo?Will he come back? Yes, he intends to settle in Cambridge. It's been almost a month since they kissed goodbye, and they've spent more time as a team than together in India, and longer with each passing day.She has no news from him at all.She speculated that he should be safe and sound, and she should have heard about it if anything happened.But she was still anxious. It wasn't just his safety that she worried about. He once said he didn't want to start over with her.He once questioned her ability to love.At stake in the flames of war, all doubts are gone.Although death is abominable, it can simplify life more than anything else.The deep affection protects them from the pain of the past. However, if they will spend the next few decades together, in the monotony of day-to-day, will that protection eventually weaken?Will they still be able to overcome all kinds of tests and continue to be together?

She lifted the heavy curtains and looked out at the wet street.The rains in India always come in full swing.She had forgotten how plaintive and mournful the rain in England was, the drizzle that fell all day long and hardly covered the bottom of the bucket. She also forgot how cold it was in late August, and despite the fire she still felt the floor clammy and cold. Bernie, Carrie called her. She turned around slowly. I'm sorry, Carrie said.I regret doing that. Benny would occasionally have nightmares. In the dark night, the sword was shining brightly. Leo had been cut thousands of times, and his body was covered in blood.When she awoke gasping for breath, she couldn't sleep for hours, her heart pounding with memories of the precarious situation.

Whenever that happened, she was very angry with Carrie's misbehavior.Leo was likely killed by the Pashtun knife, or shot like the Indian soldier who fought alongside her. It's always easier to blame someone else. She went to the other side of the bed, where Carrie stood with her back against the wall.She took Carrie's hands, and she hadn't touched her sister in years, maybe even more than twenty years. It's okay, she said. Three ordinary words and one ordinary sentence are as ordinary as a sparrow or a moth.However, when she said it from her mouth, it felt like a pearl, warm and bright.Her heart seemed fuller and wider than ever.

She went back to her father's bed and sat in the chair.There was only one lamp lit in the room, and although the light was dim, it clearly depicted every sagging wrinkle on Ajfie's face.When did he get so old. You've changed, Carrie said. Bernie looked up. When I was little, I was terrified of being with you, Carrie went on.Your emotions are too strong, your anger is like a dagger, your pain is like poison.Even your love feels like a dark alley. For several years, I felt that your life was like sleepwalking, drugging yourself with work, like a person addicted to opium, losing all emotion.But I was also terrified at how happy you were when you and Leo got engaged.That feeling is like a cart loaded with too many apples, and just a small bump can cause the entire cart to be destroyed.

Bernie almost laughed.Such a metaphor is quite vivid. Yes, a cart full of apples and a heart full of hope cannot withstand any twists and turns. Carrie smiled.What I want to say is that you used to break when you touched it, but now you have become less sensitive. Bernie put her hands on the bed. The sheets were French, as delicate and soft as cotton candy.Leo is right. The reason why she is so sensitive and fragile is because she always takes Tao Tao as the standard and cannot love someone who is not as perfect, considerate and dedicated as she is.But now she is learning. Hope so, she said.

At eleven o'clock Carrie went to bed.Bernie stayed with her father.Fifteen minutes later, she heard footsteps in the corridor. She thought it was Carrie, but it was actually her stepmother. Mrs. Ai is about fifty-five years old, and her delicate facial features will remain the same when she is seventy years old.She stroked her husband's forehead and adjusted the sheets a little.Even though Mrs. Ai has been married to Ai Jeffrey for twenty-four years, Benny and Mrs. Ai are still strangers. When she moved to live with Benny and Carrie, the two sons who were lingering on the bed exhausted all her energy, and her own health was also in trouble, so she really didn't have the strength to please Benny.And Bernie, resentful of the terrible tutor she hired, completely ignored Mrs. Ai.

Once the estrangement arises, it seems to become invulnerable.It's like a piece of furniture that no one likes, but it's not so obtrusive that it needs to be removed immediately, so it sits there year after year. Mrs. Ai stood up, holding the bedpost with one thin hand, and looked down at her crooked husband.She was much older than Bernie's impression. how are you ma'amBernie asked. It will be all right after a while, Mrs. Ai raised her eyes and looked at Beni.I have something to tell you, but I don't know if I will see you again once your father comes, so I want to say it now. When your father proposed to me, I knew very well that he was looking for a mother for his child, and I was ready to take on that responsibility.But Paul and Angus got sick one after another. she sighs.I know I treated you two sisters, especially you, badly in those years.I have no excuses but to say that as I watched my son sick and weak, I felt that you and Carrie were blessed with the most important thing for a child, which is a healthy and strong body.It was years before I realized how fallacious this idea was and I wasn't there to take care of you.sorry. Ma'am, you can't take care of everything by yourself.Paul and Angus were both seriously ill at the time, and it was the time when you were needed most, so you don't have to blame yourself for it. Yes, but you and Carrie need me too. Bernie looked down at her father's lifeless face.We have a father, ma'am.When you are at your wit's end, he should help you out. Yeah, that's right.He should really take care of you more, Mrs. Ai agreed.However, I didn't correct him because I was so grateful that he didn't condemn me for my failure. She paused.Still, at least once I spoke up.He was struggling with whether to send you to medical school.I strongly disagree.I thought you were just capricious and rebellious, sorry, I'm so surprised that he is willing to think about it.I think studying medicine will make you never find a suitable marriage, and it will also tarnish the reputation of the Ai family. He is in pain.But in the end he told me that he has no right not to let you go.Because he has not given you anything since you have grown up, so at least he should give you the freedom to choose your own future. Mrs. Elbow stooped and kissed her husband's forehead, and then kissed Bernie in the same way. I think you should know this, Mrs. Ai left after she finished speaking, the hem of the long nightgown and the lilac smell of the powder slowly followed her away. In the middle of her sleep, Bei Ni felt someone squeeze her hand, and she thought it was just a dream.She raised her head and stared blankly at the unfamiliar environment, her hand was pinched again. Father! Ajfie was the same as before, eyes still closed, mouth tilted to the other side of the bed.She lifted the sheet and looked at his hands. I'm Bernie, can you hear me, father? This time she saw it.He squeezed her fingers. Tears welled up in her eyes inexplicably.I'm back.I'm back from India. He squeezed her hand again, so she continued: This trip was really thrilling. Mr. Mo traveled thousands of kilometers to find me and told me to go home to see you.That's right, that Mr. Mo, who used to be your son-in-law.I could have come back sooner, but first Mr Mok got malaria and then we got into a war on the Indian border, a real war.But we were all safe and I made it home. She took his hand and held it tightly.Mr. Mo tried his best to speak good words for you. Although you once beat him up to vent your anger for me, it may be because you stand up for me that he is on your side.He appreciates your book.He said you love me very much. Father squeezed her hand harder this time than before.She held her father's hand to her cheek. I think she suddenly choked up.I never seem to thank you for letting me go to medical school.I am also very grateful that you married Tao Tao, she is an incomparably good person. With her other hand she stroked his stubble-covered jaw.Do you remember the summer when I was six years old?You have accompanied me and Tao Tao for a walk several times.Once we went to the village.You bought me a box of taffy.Another time we picked wild strawberries and went home and ate them with whipped cream. He squeezed her hand again, but weaker. You don't seem to like wild strawberries very much, she raised her voice, as if speaking to someone who was drifting away.But Tao Tao kept winking at you, so you still ate it, because I picked it myself, and I like it very much. This time it took him a long time to pinch, and he was even weaker.He's leaving soon.A stinging emotion gripped her heart.I love you. Hearing this, Ajfie squeezed her hand one last time. She sat by the bed for a long time, holding his hand in her lap.But he never showed signs of regaining consciousness. At dawn, when she woke up again, he had passed away. The whole family greeted the morning with a heavy heart.All the curtains are closed and cannot be opened until the day of Ajfie's funeral.The door is hung with black cloth strips.Boxes of mourning clothes were delivered to the home. Mrs. Ai's material was spinning, and the Bernie sisters were cotton wool. Since Gu Nian's relatives were not in the mood to deal with funeral matters during the mourning period, her father's friends were in charge of handling the funeral.In order to respect the privacy of the bereaved family, relatives and friends usually do not come to the house during this period, but Mrs. Ai's natal family still came to express their condolences. Bernie and Carrie were in mourning clothes sorting out their father's papers in the study.There was a mountain of old invitations, cards, and letters, and it seemed her father never threw away what was sent to him.In addition, there are several large boxes of manuscripts, newspaper clippings, and a pile of hastily written essays with various contents, ranging from praising Tang En's wit to criticizing Johnson's hygienic habits. I don't know if they're gone or not, said Carrie, sitting on the rug. who? Madam Pang and Madam Luo.The two of them are Mrs. Ai's sisters.Mrs. Luo always makes the stepmother nervous.With her current situation, she might not be able to bear Mrs. Luo for too long. So go see it, and then as a doctor, say she needs more rest. You are willing to go. Of course. But just as Bernie reached the top of the stairs, she heard footsteps coming down the stairs. The two women were talking and her name was mentioned. I really don't know what Morioll likes about Ebene.He has everything he wants.No wonder he wanted to annul the marriage, not at all. Come on, Letty, you don't know why they decided to withdraw.Marriage is like shoes, only those who are in it know the joys and sorrows in it. Well, everyone knows how miserable Morio was after marrying her.How can a happily married man throw a dinner party by himself, then go out and gamble all night? Hush, Letty.Watch out for the servants to hear. They left.Bernie held down her flustered heart with one hand.After three years away from home, she has almost forgotten the feeling of being in London, and her unhappy marriage is mentioned everywhere she goes. Bernie, Carrie said after her.what are you doing here nothing.Mrs. Pang and Mrs. Luo have just left. Very good.I can't stand Mrs. Rowe, always talking about things she doesn't know.idiot. Even an ignorant woman like Mrs. Luo knew that Leo was miserable after marrying her. Does this mean that Leo and her really have a problem? Oh, don't stand there in a daze, come with the baby, Carrie walked back to the meeting room and waved to Bernie.Come see what I've found. Carrie's Good Thing is an eight-by-ten photo featuring a group of tourists having a picnic.Seeing the photos lying flat on the table, Bernie exclaimed.It was her sixth birthday picnic.She sat in the middle of the front row, wearing a brand new little dress, although in the photo it was an inconspicuous light brown, but in fact it was a beautiful apple green.Will stood solemnly, as if the strange idea of ​​streaking would never occur to him.The photo was taken before departure, after which all the people squeezed into two carriages and headed to the picnic spot three kilometers away, which meant that Will hadn't made any surprises when the photo was taken.Tao Tao stood in the back row, looking so young, and Bei Ni remembered with heartache that after this photo was taken, her life was only a short year away. This is your mother, she said softly. Yes, I know, said Carrie ruefully.I always recognize her, it's like seeing myself in a costume. Bernie fiddled with the edges of the photo. This is the happiest period of my life. Carrie smiled.Feel it.Look, Leo is here.She points to the photo. As soon as Carrie pointed, she saw the fat boy sitting on her right.He was wearing a dark one-piece dress, her upbringing would increase.) He was too young for her sixth birthday, and it would be many years before she was old enough to wear trousers. Benny wouldn't exaggerate that much, but Leo's face did turn towards her in the photo, as if he thought she was more interesting than the camera, more attractive than everyone around him. Seeing the two of her favorite people together in a photo felt utterly surreal.It was even weirder seeing her herself blissfully blissful and vivacious. Can this photo be given to me? Of course, said Carrie.As soon as I saw it, I thought I should give it to you. The dark waters of the English Channel parted slowly ahead of the ferry.The sea is choppy and foggy. On a sunny day, you can look across the shore from the port of Calais, France, but at this time, it seems that the ship is getting farther and farther away from the UK. He has been on the road for an unknown amount of time. Imran and the coolies arrived at Chadara two days after Bernie left for Knowshera.They had been stranded in a village three miles away, waiting for the fighting to end. It is a great test to arrive at Nshela with a large group of people and a large amount of luggage.The road from Baimarakan to Nowshera is simply impassable.During this 80-kilometer journey, not only was the sand and dust blown away, but also several places were jam-packed. Mules, carriages, camels and crowds were all stuck in the middle of the road. Nowshera was in turmoil, and the army came and went, bringing with it countless pack animals and equipment.Leo scattered all the items purchased on the trip.Every coolie was assigned a mule, as were the maids.The horses bought on the road were divided equally between the guide and the cook, leaving only the brave mare that carried him and Bernie to Chadara safely.He intends to take it back to England and let it live out the rest of its life in the pasture garden. He named the mare Wuchang, which was the name of an ancient Buddhist kingdom in the Swat Valley.It was a tough fight to leave Noshela with his and Bernie's luggage.He pulled out all the connections he could, and even brazenly called him the hero of Chadala's defense.It was not in vain for him to bluff and cheat, and finally he got on the train and slept all the way to Mumbai exhausted. During the rainy season in the southwest, there are regular cruises departing for the UK every Friday.It had been three days since his last flight when he arrived.But he was lucky, the Austrian Lloyd's temporarily added a ship to northeast Italy, and he successfully boarded that ship.He crossed the Alps by train from Italy and entered France. When he arrived in Paris, Mathew went to meet him. Finally, he took a ferry across the sea in Calais and finally returned to England. He will never leave again in this life. Occasionally he misses the war a little bit.What he missed was not the fear, the exhaustion, and certainly not the killing, but the blinding clarity.After that harsh ordeal, the relationship between him and Benny has been tempered with the purest answer: only love is the most important thing, and nothing else matters. But as Chadara faded away, old fears and doubts crept back.It's all because the joy of reunion fades away, when the love between the two loses its freshness, what will she think of him then?No matter how careful he is, he will inevitably make her angry one day.What will happen then?Will old and new hatred break out together?Will she remember that he cheated once again, and regret giving him a chance to do it again? Or, whether she would have distanced herself in the first place to protect herself.Their union would never be truly compatible, and she would never forgive him for his sins in order to prevent him from hurting him again. What about him?Is he really strong enough?Could he bear such suspicion?It was this fear that had made him reject her at the station.He was afraid of being overwhelmed by a momentary emotion and losing his whole life, afraid that he would become a flattering little man by her side from now on, and also afraid that he would be condemned by her for the rest of his life if he made a mistake for a moment, and finally turned into a tragic spouse with hatred in his heart. He looked down at the photo in his hand, their wedding photo.He used to find her expression stiff.No, in fact, her expression was sad, and her eyes were as miserable as the cold rain in January.Is it really possible to come back after that kind of torture?Can she really love him again? Hearing Mai Xiu's footsteps, he put the photo back in his pocket. The fog cleared, Bianxiu said.The port of Dover will soon be in sight. They stood shoulder to shoulder in the bow.The fog dissipated and the sun shone.Even the unaesthetically dirty waters of the English Channel shone brightly in the morning sun. When the white cliffs of Dover came into view, Leo didn't have an epiphany, he just made a choice. Trust must be two-way.If he had doubts in his heart, how could he ask for her trust.He chose to trust her, trust her love, trust her courage, tolerance and perseverance. When the test comes, he too will find courage within himself.