Chapter 46 forty five bernard

There was nothing to do on the sea journey home, and hundreds of soldiers wandered aimlessly on the deck.Compared with the adventures when going to sea, this change is really big.The frigate is accompanied by lifeboat training every day.Watch out for German submarines.A group of two brothers stood on the deck watching the sea for anything unusual to happen, but we had absolutely no idea what to look for, and most of us were only familiar with small ponds where we could row boats.But now, on the way home, I am not the only one who drifts on the horizon with glazed eyes when homesick.After what I've been through, can I go back and be a bank teller?Silly, I know, but I'm reminded of the Wellington bomber.Thirty-six thousand five hundred pounds of metal, plexiglass, and canvas, with a wingspan of eighty-six feet, a fuselage length of sixty-four feet, two engines, and capacity for six people.Some parts have bolts as big as my fist.The propeller that dwarfs me.Wheels wider than your arm.When the bomber flies, the thick propeller rotates too fast for people to see.Fly slowly along the ground until the 36,500 pounds of metal, plexiglass, and canvas fly into the air as light as a handkerchief.For me now, what vision can compare with it?An old bike with a wobbly chain that I used to carefully repair in the backyard?Is it a bus?It's just a gadget.Subway train?Step into the subway train in one hop.No need to climb the dizzying seventeen steps to get in.car?truck?It all looks like a tin toy now.

Under the stars, I slept in a lifeboat.Not sleeping with hundreds of people in a hammock below the waterline.Pushing and squeezing for space.Arguing, swearing, talking non-stop about women Johnny.Pilborough: what can be done to them, and what can be done to them, as soon as they come home.I gave the cigarettes to the old peon who operated the boat.He paid off by knocking on the lifeboat before the deck was cleaned.Warned me to get out before I was caught or washed overboard.As dark as a guy.From Argentina.Can not speak English.Handle the entire transaction in body language only. Just like when we got out on the boat a few years ago, everyone got seasick after two days on the boat.Severe vomiting, head heavy as a sponge, stomach churning in boots, always salty taste on lips dulling, my vision nowhere to rest.dizzy.Pray it settles down for a while.A minute is fine.But nothing is stable.Especially the food in my stomach.The old peon laughed.Pat me on the back and insult me ​​with his tattoos.Pointing to something on the left arm, some kind of ugly bird.I understand.Can't blame him: I've been leaning against the rails of the boat all day, throwing up, and it's a pathetic sight.

At first I thought it was nothing.Too dizzy to worry.Perhaps a bite from some ferocious mosquito.You can feel it on your fingers when you urinate.Just a small lump.But it got bigger the next day.Borrowed a flashlight from a brother.Must see clearly.But all I can do is flicker on and off with this crappy flashlight.In the flickering light of the dark lifeboat, it looked almost the size of a halfpenny.I comfort myself that it looks so big because of the glitter.Under the sun, in the locked toilet, the painful sore had already produced a layer of pus.As I sat facing another meal of sausage and potatoes, I could feel the sores in my pants swell like grapes.There is a clear blue line around the sore, as if drawn with a pen.I threw up twice, once when I saw the pus ooze on my pubic hair and the second time when I bandaged it.The inside of the bandage was extremely itchy and sticky.It didn't work, a small piece of yellow-brown filth oozed out quickly.When I took the bandage off, it clung like paper stuck to taffy.I bit my leather belt and kept silent.There is no way, I have to face it.I know what this inflamed abscess on my penis is.

On our first voyage to the east, the medical officer had warned us RAF recruits.Sores, inflammation, colored discharge, lumps.It's all the consequences of having sex with your partner.He used to give lectures to us and circulate color pictures.Terrible photo, quite stunning.Some parts of the body are no longer recognizable as human organs.It made some brethren look pale.Teach them to worry.frown.recall.Let them stop bragging for a while.I remember that one of the brothers passed out, presumably because of seasickness.The doctor said: You must use this.Pulled a plastic sheath from his breast pocket.waving in the air.

Some jokers yelled: Report sir, is that the only one?Make everyone laugh. Stroke, loss of mind, neurological disease, blindness and, of course, death.syphilis! The unavoidable consequences of my sexual relationship with the wrong person.A little girl with innocent black eyes like a baby.Poor whore in Calcutta.Still clinging to me.syphilis!During the day, I feel the presence of this ulcer like a racing pulse.And at night, we weep together and bleed fluid.syphilis!I can't imagine what Queenie would say.I tried to picture her expressing blame.A trembling finger.Tut tut mouth.Maybe turn around.But all was in vain in the face of the stigma brought about by her husband who had an STD.

I leaned against the rail of the boat and looked down at the sea.Just take a step.A big step.Jump over the fence and step out of the hull.It will be days before anyone thinks of me.No one will see my scrawny body slide into the foam of the boat marks.Even if you see it, you will blink a little more, thinking it is teased by the waves of the sea.In my situation it was the only honorable deed a man could do.They're going to declare me missing.And Queenie, like Macy's two sons, can remember me as I used to be.A middle-aged bank teller who thought his life was in order.Someone who even started whistling after being part of the team.Royal Air Force soldiers who fight for justice.Brits who, rightly or wrongly, are proud of their country.Sitting on the rail of the boat, the moonlight was brighter than the British February sky.All night I wait for either courage or despair to overtake me.Roll me into the deep blue sea.But neither came.

Now the military will need to drive me home in a van?Very conspicuous on the street (everyone out to watch).A package delivered to the twenty-first.Will two men help me up the steps and knock on the door?Queenie unbuttons her apron, will she greet her hero back with a smile?Are they going to tell her that syphilis is killing my brain?Now it will be Dad hoping that if someone can fix my brain, can I fix my brain?In the end, will they have to give me a push to let me in?