Chapter 34 part three

ambition When I was young, I often thought: It would be great if I could grow up sooner! Until I graduated from university and entered the society three or four years later, this kind of thinking still occupied my mind. I am often upset by the fact that there are too many emotions in my body. These emotions not only constantly flow in my body, but also affect my future. It makes it difficult for me to gain self-confidence, and it is even more difficult for me to accept that no matter what In this way, I can clearly feel the bondage of these emotions. These real pains make me feel that I must find my own outlook on life and the world, not because I am determined to become a novelist.

For me in my twenties, I can’t feel any joy and joy in life. I suffer from having to contact with others every day, but it will be even more painful if I don’t. Life, or despair of such a society. But what makes me feel even more sad is that I can't fully express my despair, and I have to cover up my despair with sentimentality every day. That is to say, although I feel desperate, I can't show a trace of despair on the surface. That's what makes me most desperate. The reason why I still remember the despair that this emotion brought to me is because I found a kind of hypocrisy hidden in my body and mind.

A life without happiness and joy is also a kind of hypocrisy. Isn't the real self just on the other side of this hypocrisy? Faced with such a self, what should we do? Longevity is also an art. A writer once said this, and I have already realized the meaning of this sentence. In the big topic of life, if there is no age, some problems are difficult to solve. Just like art, we all Knowing that artistic achievements will also become more brilliant with the passage of time. However, there are exceptions to this. For example, poets like Rambo (French poet, 1854-1891) and Nakahara Chuya who died young are exceptions among exceptions.They reached the other shore of life when their stunning masterpieces were born, and their bodies disappeared forever after they worked hard to complete their works.The famous poet Mallarme (French poet, 1842-1898) once said:

The flesh is the human misery that makes it difficult for us to accomplish the task of learning more. Isn't this the chant of those who can intuitively know the value of their own life? But how can the outlook on life of this once-in-a-century poet coincide with my own?Although these people are the objects of my long-term admiration, they are still different from me after all. Of course, the era and environment of life are also different, and it can even be said that everything is different. In the final analysis, even if it is the same person, it is impossible to have the same outlook on life in the past and present, let alone different people.

Can't see my future! During the Warring States Period in China, there was a thinker named Mozi.A man named Peng Qingshengzi once asked Mozi for advice: The past is known, the future is unknown. A person can know his past, but he cannot know his future! Peng Qingsheng said affirmatively.Mozi did not answer his question directly, but asked the other party a multiple-choice question: If one of your relatives living hundreds of miles away is in danger, and you have one day left to live, and there are two carriages in front of you, one is very strong drawn by good horses, and the other is drawn by bad horses, And the wheels are square.If you had to choose, what would you do?

As early as when he heard about good horses and bad horses, Peng Qingsheng had already made his choice, not to mention that the two carriages were divided into strong and square wheels. Of course I choose the carriage from Yura Mara, so that I can reach my destination earlier! As soon as Peng Qingsheng's son finished speaking, Mozi immediately asked: How can you say you don't know your future? This sentence is very implicit, and we will think of the future before we know it. Indeed! Maybe everyone will express such emotion after listening to Mozi's words.If the purpose has been determined, then basically all ten people will paint their own future and choose the same means to achieve the purpose.An individual is just an individual, and many individuals gather together to form a human society. Since they are all part of a society, there will be a common will and purpose among people. Be a social effort.However, in a huge social system, it is inevitable that there will be some people with a strong sense of loneliness, including myself when I was young.

is there any difference This is a question that often bothers me.How exactly do you get rid of feelings of loneliness and incompatibility?I don't know and am troubled by that too. At first, like other young people, I would judge the seriousness and distinguish right from wrong based on the so-called famous sayings of the predecessors, but later I noticed that this would cause confusion.Whether it is a great man or a sage, it can only represent his personal opinion, which is inherent in himself, and may not be suitable for everyone. We have to say what we want to say (find a life path that suits us).

But what do you want to say?Where is it? ambition! Yes!ambition! Ambition originally refers to the heart of an untamed beast. Humans and all kinds of beasts live together under the same sky. Although the worlds of the two are very different, it seems that the heavens are destined to connect the two. I don’t know when humans began to capture beasts and train them to be human beings. Serve.In the process of specific training, most of the beasts succumb to the pressure of human beings and become tools in human life, but there are also some wild beasts that are difficult to tame and are not obedient at all. These beasts that refuse to be tamed will inevitably be punished. The strange thing about human beatings is that no matter how much torture they suffer and how deep the pain they suffer, none of the beasts think of committing suicide. There are only two options waiting for them, one is to be beaten to death in the end, and the other is to die. It is breaking through the cage and returning to nature.

Why did these beasts make such a choice? This is also a question often considered by humans who tame and dominate wild animals. Ambition should also contain unyielding elements. This kind of unyielding is also a portrayal of this world. All human beings, including myself, live in this world, but what makes me feel very strange is that I don’t feel it. own existence. I can't find my direction and lose my own goals. Finally, I noticed that only silence is my inherent language, but at this time my time is running out. I'm somewhat emotional about this. Only you know your future best.

I can explain it with a poem I like, which is called "Autumn Song" and is included in Baudelaire's "Flowers of Evil". we are finally silent in the cold gloom goodbye, blinding light Farewell, our short summer ◆ This poem was translated by Takehiko Fukunaga. As far as I know, Takehiko Fukunaga's translation level is the highest in the translation of "Autumn Songs".Whenever I read this poem, an inexplicable thought flashes through my mind: Isn't this my life? In my opinion, we in the poem refer to me and my wife. It’s a bit unbelievable because I was still unmarried at the time, but I believe that if I had been married at that time, I would have been silently facing my wife in the cold darkness. .Yes!This is my future!Long-term twilight!

Due to the complexity of Japanese itself, there are certain difficulties in recording, especially fast recording. In order to change this situation, I started to learn French.Until now, I still think that French is the spiritual food on the road of my life. Although I am not going to use it as a tool to settle down, but immersing myself in the French-speaking world can indeed make me feel very happy.In the process of continuous learning, I also discovered many wonderful places in it. The most amazing thing is the conjugation of verbs. In French, verbs have different conjugations depending on the person.If English is a language that is often wrong to see with the eyes, French is a language that is often wrong to hear with the ears.Why do you say that?Because except when the subject is the second-person plural (you), the pronunciation of the verb behind it maintains its original pronunciation, and the pronunciation of the verb behind any other person will change.This reminds me of a saying that the French often say: Your actions are right! Combined with the characteristics of French itself, you will appreciate the wisdom of the French from this sentence. This sentence is the best summary of society and yourself.It begins by identifying the subjects of the action as you, not me.Specifically, when there is me, there may not necessarily be you, but when there are you, there must be me. Of course, this may be my misinterpretation of French, but for me who is immersed in troubles and pains all day long, exposure to French is the first time I have entered another brand new world, and at the same time I have truly seen my own insignificance. It now appears that I can reinterpret ambition. In fact, my ambition is my own insignificance. Once I see this, I can grasp the spiritual scale, and I can also understand how vast the world I live in is. Ambition and ambition should be two different concepts. In ancient Chinese history, there was a wild platform. This wild platform was built by a monarch who hoped that he could conquer other countries after he ascended the wild platform.Strictly speaking, this kind of wild platform is not a platform of ambition, but a platform of ambition.This monarch is the famous Zhao Wuling King in history.The meaning of wang in the dictionary is understood as looking far away. The ancient Chinese believed that people's eyesight contained incredible magic power, and generally believed that wherever the eyesight could reach, they could become their own territory.Even now, when people want to get what they want, they will first carefully observe what they want to get without thinking, and it will be clear if they can get it. Perhaps King Wuling of Zhao also believed in this statement before he built the wild platform and climbed onto the wild platform. He hoped that he could conquer other countries he saw on the wild platform in one fell swoop. From the second year after he ascended the wild platform, he sent troops to attack neighboring countries , After several fierce battles, under the premise of killing and injuring many soldiers, a few years later he fulfilled his wish to occupy the neighboring country and turn it into his own territory.But he was still not satisfied, and continued to send troops to attack other countries. After repeated successes, Zhao's territory continued to expand. But just as he was victorious in foreign festivals, he didn't know that the backyard caught fire.King Zhao Wuling had a concubine he loved very much. In order to show his feelings for his beloved concubine, he actually abolished the original prince and changed his concubine's son to be the prince. The final outcome is that the crown prince who was deposed by King Zhao Wuling joined forces with other countries to capture Zhao State, and King Zhao Wuling was defeated and died. In the history books, King Zhao Wuling is written as a person who values ​​love and righteousness, but my personal point of view is that this kind of love is manifested externally as ambition, and internally manifested as indecision.Fortunately, I can't see my own shadow in the sad King Zhao Wuling, at least I won't be swayed by love like him, and finally get a sad ending. Of course, King Zhao Wuling's outlook on life belongs to him alone, and has nothing to do with others, but what puzzles me is that when recording historical figures, various history books basically don't use them, but you. We know that only when your ambitions continue to expand, you will feel the vastness of this world, but at the same time, don't forget that in the process of expanding your ambitions, you will gradually realize your own smallness.