Chapter 8 Part Four (2) Thirty-six

She got up early the next morning, left a note for Dorothy saying she was out on some business, and took the cable car down the mountain.She was walking on the crowded streets, the streets were full of traffic, cars, rickshaws, sedan chairs, colorfully dressed Europeans and Chinese, bustling to and fro.She came to the office of the iron company.A ship had already left the port, and another was due to set sail in two days, and she made up her mind to board that ship no matter what.When the clerk told her that all the seats were fully booked, she asked to see the supervisor.She said her name, and after a while the supervisor who had met her came out and took her into the office.He was evidently aware of the situation she was in, and when she stated her request he sent for the passenger list.But the list made him frown.

I beg you to help me.she said eagerly. I think everyone in this colony will do anything you ask, Mrs. Finn.he replied. He called a clerk, asked a few words, and nodded. I'm going to swap out a guy or two.I know you are going home and I think we should do our best to accommodate your request.I have arranged a small cabin for you alone, that should be what you expect. She thanked him and left satisfied.Really wish to fly back, this is her only thought at this time.I can't wait to fly back!She sent a telegram to her father, informing them of her return, which she had telegraphed to them about Walter's death.She went back to the Townsend's apartment and told Dorothy what had just happened.

We will be very sorry for your departure.said the kind woman, but I understand your desire to stay with your parents. Since returning to Hong Kong, Katie has been afraid to go to her house.She was afraid to walk through that door again, afraid that those familiar scenes would remind her of the past.But now she has no choice.Townsend had found a buyer for her furniture, and an enthusiastic re-tenant for the house.But there were still her and Walter's clothes in the house. When they went to Meitan Mansion, they only took one or two pieces, and there were also many books, photos, and various gadgets.Katie wished to stay away from these things. She didn't want to have anything to do with those days.But if they were to be piled up at auction, there would be the outrage of sentimental colonial society, who might collect them all and ship them to her house.So just after lunch, she planned to go to her residence.Dorothy, who was eager to help, offered to go with her, but after Katie repeatedly refused, she finally agreed to let Dorothy's two child servants go with her and help with packing things.

The house had been left in the care of the housekeeper, who opened the door when Katie arrived.Entering the house, Katie felt as if she were a stranger visiting for the first time.The house was tidy and tidy, and all the items were placed in their original places, waiting for her to come back for easy access.The weather was very warm and sunny, but there was a cold, desolate atmosphere in these silent rooms.The furniture was still in the same place as before, and the vases used to hold the flowers did not seem to have moved.The book that Katie didn't know when it was buckled on the table was still buckled quietly as before.It seemed to Katie that they had only been away for a minute, but that minute seemed like an eternity, and it was impossible to imagine when the house would be full of laughter again.The foxtrot score spread out on the piano seems to be waiting to be played, but you have the feeling that when you press the keys, no sound will come out.Walter's room was as tidy as it had been in his presence.On the chest were two enlarged photographs of Katie, one of her in her ball gown and one of her wedding.

The boys unloaded the suitcases from the storage room, and Katie stood aside, watching them sort things out.They moved very neatly, and Katie estimated that they would be able to take care of everything in the two days before they left.During this period of time, she must not let herself think wildly, she definitely doesn't have that kind of leisure time.Suddenly, Katie heard footsteps behind her, and when she looked back, it was Charles.Tang Sheng.Her heart convulsed. What are you doing here?she asked. Can I go to your living room?I have something to talk to you about. I am very busy.

I only have five minutes for you. She didn't speak any more, just told the servants to go on with their work, and then led Charles to the next room.She didn't find a place to sit down, so that he could understand that he had something to say before leaving.She knew that her face was pale and her heart was beating violently, but she still looked directly at him with cold, hostile eyes. What's your business? I just heard from Dorothy that you're leaving the day after tomorrow.She told me you were here to take care of things and asked me to call and ask if I could help. Thanks a lot, I can handle it on my own.

I guess so.I didn't come to ask you this.I want to ask if your sudden departure is because of what happened yesterday. You and Dorothy have been very kind to me, and I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of your kindness by hanging on. You still have not answered my question. would you care about that I care so much.I don't want me to do anything to drive you away. She lowered her gaze.Beside her was a table, on which she saw a copy of the Bulletin.It was months ago, when Walter had been staring at it that terrible night, and now Walter had raised her face. I feel so cheap.You will never despise myself more than I do.

But I don't despise you.I meant everything I said yesterday.What good is it for you to go away like this?I don't understand why we can't be good friends?You always think I've turned my back on you, and I don't like that idea very much. Why can't you just leave me alone? Damn it, my heart is neither wood nor stone.You're too irrational to keep looking at it that way.You are hitting a dead end.After yesterday I thought you would think better of me.We are all human after all. I don't feel like a human being, I feel like an animal.Pig, rabbit, or dog.Well, I don't blame you, I'm as bad as you.I give in to you because I need you, but that's not really me.I am not a hateful, wanton, beastly woman.I am absolutely not that kind of person.My husband just lay in the grave, and your wife is so good to me, unspeakably good, and the person lying on the bed full of longing for you, she is definitely not me, she is hiding in my body beasts, vicious and terrible beasts like devils.I spurned her, hated her, despised her.From now on, every time I think of her, I will be so sick that I want to vomit.

He frowned slightly and smiled uncomfortably. Well, I'm a fairly generous person, but sometimes you really shock me. I am very sorry for this.You better go now.You are a worthless man, and I would be a fool to talk to you any more seriously. He was silent for a while, and she saw a shadow in his eyes, and she knew he was irritated.When he sent her off the pier gracefully, he would surely let out a long sigh of relief.She could not help laughing at the thought that he would then have to shake her hand politely and wish her a pleasant journey, while she thanked him for his hospitality.However, he changed his expression.

Dorothy told me you were pregnant.he said. She felt her face change suddenly, but luckily she kept her body posture. yes. Is it possible that I will be the father of the child? no no.The child is Walter's. She tried her best to deny it hastily, but after she said it, even she felt that she was trying to cover it up. Are you sure?He laughed gloatingly, thinking about it, you and Walter were married for two years, but nothing happened.Counting the days, the day we met was about the same.I think the child is more mine than Walter's. I'd rather kill myself than conceive your child.

Oh, why do you say such stupid things.I would be incredibly happy and proud of this kid.I wish it was a girl, you know.Both Dorothy and I had boys.Whose children it is will soon be revealed, you know, all three of my darlings look as if they were carved in the same mold as mine. His humorous demeanor is back.She understood what he meant: if the child was his, even if she never saw him again in this life, she still couldn't get rid of him completely.His claws will follow her, his shadow, although vague, is absolutely true, and will linger around her every moment. You are indeed the most vain and stupidest fool in the world.I must have done something wrong, God let me meet you.she says. thirty-seven During the long and peaceful journey, she recalled the terrible thing that happened to her more than once.She couldn't understand herself, and what she did was completely beyond her expectations.What was it that deterred her from falling into his filthy arms even though she utterly despised Charlie?Anger burned in her chest, and disgust tore at her heart.She felt that she would never forget this shame in her life.She couldn't stop crying.However, as the ship got farther and farther away from Hong Kong, she found that the resentment in her heart gradually blunted.It seemed to have happened in another world, and she was like a person who has suddenly gone mad, and when she wakes up, she feels sad and ashamed of what she vaguely remembered when she was mad.But since that's not who I really am, there's still a chance to ask people's forgiveness.Katie believed that a magnanimous person should pity her rather than blame her.Yet she sighed as she thought of her self-confidence being sadly shattered.There used to be a straight and wide road before her, but now she knew it was just a winding and bumpy path full of traps.The expanse of the Indian Ocean and the poignant sunset eased her heart.She seems to have come to another country, where she can freely control her soul.If she has to struggle to regain her self-esteem, then well, she must have the courage to face it. The days ahead will be lonely and difficult.When the ship reached Port Said she received a telegram from her mother in reply.The letter was long and carefully transcribed in large cursive script, a calligraphy talent that every mother must pass on to her daughter when she is young.However, the gorgeous words in the letter and the exquisite diction make people doubt the sincerity of the letter writer.Mrs Justin expressed her deepest condolences on Walter's death and sympathy for her daughter's grief.She was worried that Katie's daily necessities would be lost, but the colonial authorities would not forget to send her a pension.She was overjoyed to learn that Katie was about to return to England to join her parents and asked her to stay at their flat until the baby was born.This is followed by inculcate instructions on what to expect during Katie's pregnancy, and a painstaking description of her sister Doris's delivery.Doris' son was born fat and heavy, and his grandfather declared that he was the most wonderful baby he had ever seen.Doris is now pregnant again, and the family hopes to add another boy so that the title of baronet can be passed on without fail. Katie saw that the gist of the letter was to extend to her the invitation which must be extended sooner or later.Mrs. Justin would never sincerely encumber a widowed daughter.She had given Katie so much, and now that she had disappointed her, the daughter was nothing more than a liability.How strange is the relationship between parent and child!When children are young, they are the treasures in the palm of their parents. Any minor illness will make them worry.At this time, the children also respect and love their parents and rely more on them.After a few years, the children grow up, and people who have no blood relationship with them replace their parents as the people who bring them happiness.Indifference has replaced the blind and instinctive love of the past, and even meeting each other has become a source of irritability and anger.Once, I would miss them day and night if I didn't see them for ten days and a half months, but now I am happy to enjoy leisure even if I don't see them for many years.Her mother need not worry about calculating, Katie will find a place to settle down as soon as possible.However, there must be a delay, because I still don't have a clue about what's going on.It is possible that she will die of dystocia during childbirth, and that would be a quick way to cut through the mess. After the ship docked again, she received two more letters.She was surprised to find that it was her father's handwriting, and she remembered that he had never written to her.His tone was not unusually affectionate, beginning only with dear Katie.He said he was now ghostwriting for her mother, who had been forcibly taken to hospital for surgery because she was unwell.Katie was not surprised, and continued to walk by sea according to her original plan.On the one hand, it was quick but expensive to travel by land, and on the other hand, if she returned home and her mother had not been sent back, it would be inconvenient for her to take care of Harrington Gardens.The other letter was from Doris and began: Katie Baby.It's not that she has a deep affection for Katie, but that she calls everyone she knows that way. Katie baby: I think Father has written to you.Mom has to have an operation, she seems like she hasn't been well since last year, but you know she's a shy person.She came to try official medicines and folk remedies by herself, but I didn't know what disease she was suffering from, and she never mentioned it. If I asked, she would jump up.She looks very badly, and if I were you, I would start from Marseilles immediately and come back as soon as possible.But please don't tell her what I said, she still pretends she's fine, and doesn't want you to come back but she's not there.She has forced the doctor to swear that she will have to be sent back in a week. Your dearest Doris I deeply regret Walter's death.You must have had a rough time, poor baby.I am eager to meet you.We both have young children and it's been a lot of fun.Let's hold hands together. Katie stood on the deck, lost in thought.She still can't imagine that her mother is really sick. In her impression, she is always active and determined. If other people have a minor illness or disaster, she will be a hundred impatient.Then a crew member came up to her and handed her a telegram. It is with deep sorrow that your mother passed away this morning.Father. thirty eight Katie rang the doorbell of Harrington Gardens Apartments, and when she was told her father was living in the study, she went to the study and opened the door softly.He was sitting by the fire, reading the last issue of the evening paper.When Katie came in, he looked up, saw that it was Katie, immediately put down the newspaper, and jumped up in surprise. Uh, Katie, I thought you'd catch the next train. I thought it better not to bother you to pick me up, so I didn't send you a telegram. He poked his face out for her to kiss just as she remembered him. I glanced at the newspaper twice, and he said, I haven't had time to read the newspapers from the previous two days. It can be seen that he feels that if he still buries his mind on daily trivial matters at this time, he must have an explanation for others. Of course, she said, you must be very tired.I can imagine how hard your mother's death hit you. He was much older and thinner than the last time she had seen him, a thin, dry, orthodox little man. Doctors said there was little hope from the start.She has been unwell for over a year, but she refuses to see a doctor.The doctor told me she suffered from constant pain, and he said it was almost a miracle she could stand it. Did she never complain? She said she wasn't well, but never said it was pain.He paused for a moment, looking at Katie.You must be very tired after such a long journey. Not too tired. Do you want to go up and have a look at her? she here Yes, they moved her here from the hospital. OK, I'm going now. Do you want me to accompany you? There was something strange in her father's voice that made her glance at him quickly.He turned his face slightly, unwilling to let her see his eyes.Katie had learned to read people's minds, after all, she used to have to read her husband's words and gestures every day to figure out what was going on in his head.She guessed at once that her father was trying to hide what was a relief, a relief from the heart, and it took him by surprise himself.For thirty years he had acted the part of a competent and devoted husband, never said a word against his wife, and now he must mourn her with great sorrow.He had always lived up to what was expected of him, and she was shocked by small gestures in himself that suggested that he was not in the mood of a widower who had just lost his wife. No, I'm still going alone.Katie said. She went upstairs and into the big, cold room that was the pretentious bedroom where her mother had slept for years.She clearly remembered the large mahogany furniture, and the imitation of Marcus inlaid on the wall.Stone relief.The layout of the dressing table was exactly the same as Mrs. Justin's usual requirements during her lifetime.But the bouquets of flowers everywhere seemed out of place with the surroundings, and Mrs. Justin must have thought it silly, contrived, and unhealthy to have them in the room.The floral scent didn't mask the pungent, musty smell of freshly laundered linen that Katie remembered as unique to her mother's room. Mrs. Justin was lying quietly on the bed, with her hands folded meekly on her chest. If she was alive, she would never have allowed herself to assume such an artificial posture.Her facial features are sharp and angular, her cheeks have sunken due to long-term illness, and her temples have sunk into a hollow.Still, she looked very comely, even magnificent.Death had wiped the bitterness from her face, leaving only the features of humanity.She looked like a Roman queen.This is the first time Katie has seen a corpse that reminds one of a spirit that once lingered.She felt no sorrow, and Katie had no deep affection for her mother in the constant tension between mother and daughter.Recalling her own growth experience, she understood that everything about herself was caused by her mother.However, a woman who was once all-powerful and ambitious, now laying down silently without fulfilling her long-cherished wish, is somewhat emotional.All my life I have been calculating and intrigue, but what I pursue is those low-level and boring things.Katie felt that her mother's worldly life somehow even surprised her. thirty-nine They had dinner.Mr. Justin told Katie the whole story of his wife's death, and he praised the letters from his kind friends (he had stacks of condolence letters on his desk, and he was thinking how to deal with them When I replied one by one, I couldn't help sighing), and talked about the funeral.Then they went back to his study.This is the only room in the whole apartment with a fireplace.Mechanically he took his pipe from the mantelpiece and stuffed some tobacco into it.But he cast a questioning glance at his daughter at once, and put the pipe down again. You don't smoke anymore?she asked. Your mother didn't like the smell of a pipe after supper, and I haven't smoked since the war. His answer made Katie feel a pang of sadness in her heart.How pathetic it is for a man of sixty to hesitate to smoke a pipe in his study. I really like the smell of pipes.she said with a smile. He breathed a sigh of relief, picked up the pipe again, and lit it.They sat down facing each other by the fire.He felt the need to talk to Katie about her own misadventure. I think you got a letter from your mother in Port Said.The news of poor Walter's death came as a shock to both of us.I think he's a nice lad. Katie didn't know what to say. Your mother said you were going to have a baby. Yes. When should it be? In about four months. That will give you great comfort.You must go and see Doris' son, he is very sweet. Between the words, Katie felt that there was a huge distance between the father and daughter, which was even farther than two strangers they met for the first time.Because all strangers always have a kind of curiosity about each other, and the common life of father and daughter in the past has now become a wall of indifference between them.Katie knew that she had never done anything to make her father dote on her more. He was always a superfluous person in this house. Living and being scorned by family members.She used to take it for granted that since he was her father, he should love her dearly.The fact that he had no paternal affection for her shocked her.All she knew was that their whole family was sick of him, and she didn't expect that he felt the same way about them in turn.He was as kind and courteous as ever, but the penetrating insight he had learned through suffering had shown her that he hated her in his heart, though he never admitted it to himself. His pipe pipe seemed to be clogged, so he got up to find something to poke.Maybe it was just to hide his nervousness at the moment. Your mother wants you to stay here until the baby is born.She was going to tidy up your former room. I see.I won't bother you here. Uh, don't say that.Things have come to this point, I think you have nowhere to go but to come to your father.But actually, there just happened to be a vacancy for Chief Justice of the Bahamas right now, and they hired me, and I said yes. Well, father, that's delightful.I sincerely congratulate you. The news came too late, I didn't have time to let your mother know.This must have been a great comfort to her. What a trick of fate!Mrs. Justin worked hard and worked hard all her life. Although her goal was lowered after repeated disappointments, she died before finally getting what she wanted. I have to go on a boat early next month.There is no other way, the house is in the hands of the agent.My suggestion is to sell the furniture as well.I'm sorry I can't keep you here, but I'd be more than happy to take any piece of furniture you'd like to have when you find a place to stay. She stared into the fire, her heart beating wildly.She wondered how she could be so tense all of a sudden.She forced herself to speak, her voice trembling slightly. Can I go with you, Father? you?Uh, my dear Katie.His face darkened.She used to hear him call her that often, and she always regarded it as his mantra, and now it was the first time in her life that she saw this mantra spoken with such a face.This startled her.But all your friends are here, and so is Doris.I thought you'd be happier if you settled down in London.I don't know your financial situation very well, but I am willing to pay the rent for you. I have enough money to live on. I'm going to a completely strange place.I don't know anything about the conditions there. I'm used to going to strange places.London means nothing to me now, I can't breathe easily here. He closed his eyes, and she wondered if he would cry.There was a miserable expression on his face, which made her feel anxious.She was right. After his wife died, he was relieved. Now the opportunity to break with the past was in front of him, and freedom came.He saw before him a new life in which idleness and happiness would no longer be elusive.She seemed to see all the miseries of thirty years coming together to torment him.Finally, he opened his eyes and sighed involuntarily. Of course, if you wish to go, I would be more than happy to do so. Poor man.He surrendered to his duty with only a little struggle.In just a few words, all hopes were wiped out.She stood up from the chair, walked up to him, knelt on the ground, and took his hands. No, father, I will not go unless you need me to.You have sacrificed enough.If you want to go alone, that's okay.Don't think about me. He took out a hand and stroked gently on her beautiful hair. Of course I need you, my love.I am your father after all, and you are a widow with no one to depend on.It is unkind if you need to be with me and I don't need you. But here is the problem, I didn't force you just because I am your daughter, you don't owe me anything. Uh, my dear boy. owe nothing.She repeated excitedly, I feel very guilty when I think that we have been supported by you all our lives and have not given you anything in return.We don't even have any affection for you.You have been unhappy all your life, can you let me make amends for the past? His brows furrowed slightly, apparently a little embarrassed by her sudden emotion. I don't understand you.I never complained about you guys. Well, father, I've been through too much, too much misfortune.I'm not the Katie I was before I left here.I'm still very vulnerable, but I'm by no means the mean, heartless person I once was.can you give me a chanceNow I have no one in this world, only you.Let me try to make you love me.Well, father, I am so alone and so miserable that I long for your love. She threw her face in his lap and wept bitterly. Uh, my Katie, my little Katie.he said vaguely. She raised her face and put her arms around his neck. Uh, father, be nice to me.We all come to be kind to each other. He kissed her lips like a lover, with tears streaming down his face. Of course you should come with me. Do you need me to go?do you really need me Yes. I am so grateful. Uh, my dear, don't talk to me like that again.That made me feel very embarrassed. He took out his handkerchief and wiped away her tears with a smile she had never seen before.She hung her arms around his neck again. We will begin a happy life, dear father.You can't imagine how happy we will be in the future. You haven't forgotten that you're going to have a baby. I am very happy that she will be born in a place with blue sea and blue sky. You're already sure it's going to be a girl?he whispered, with a flat, flat smile on his face. I hope it's a girl, and I want to raise her so she doesn't make the mistakes I once did.I hate myself so much when I look back on what a girl I was, but there's nothing I can do about it.I want to raise my daughter to be a free and independent person.I brought her into this world, loved her, and raised her, not for the purpose of letting her sleep with any man in the future and attach her life to him from now on. She felt his father's body freeze.These words were obviously not something for a man like him to talk about, and he was horrified when they came out of his daughter's mouth. Please let me be honest, just this once, Father.I was a stupid, evil, hateful person.I have been severely punished.I will never let my daughter make the same mistakes.I want her to be fearless, outspoken, self-controlled and not dependent on others.I want her to live like a free person and find a good job to support herself, not like me. What's the matter, my love, your words sound like those of a fifty-year-old.Life is still in your hands, you can't lose heart. She shook her head and smiled slowly. I am not discouraged.I still have hope and courage. The past is over.Let the dead die.Is such a thought ruthless?She wishes she had learned compassion and compassion.She doesn't know what awaits her in the future, but she's prepared in her heart to accept whatever happens with a relaxed and optimistic attitude.At this moment, she suddenly remembered something, which seemed to emerge from the depths of her consciousness for no reason.It was on their way, she and poor Walter, to the plague city that killed him, and they set out one morning in a sedan chair while it was still dark.As the sky was getting brighter, she saw or hallucinated a breathtakingly beautiful scene, which instantly soothed her suffering heart, and she seemed to feel that all the suffering in the world was nothing.The sun rose, dispelled the fog, and a rough path appeared in front of us.It crosses rice fields, crosses small rivers, and undulates across vast lands, extending as far as the eye can't see.Now she understands that if she walks along the increasingly clear path in front of her, it is not the path of no return that the witty old Waddington said, but the nuns in the monastery walk without complaint The road on it Maybe all the wrong things she's done, all the stupid things she's done, all the things she's been through, not all meaningless That'll be a road to peace. (End of the book)