01 Chasing two rabbits at the same time, the end result is nothing At noon, when the clock struck twelve, Major Serkolobov, who owned a thousand dessiatines of land and a handsome wife, poked his bald head out from under the calico quilt, and cursed.It turned out that yesterday he passed by the gazebo and heard his young wife Carolina.Major Karlovna's wife was talking to her cousin from out of town, and she was merciless, calling her husband, Major Serkolobov, a ram, and insisting with womanly frivolity that she had never loved her The husband does not love now, nor will he love in the future, because he, Serkolobov, is muddled, brutish, and prone to insanity and chronic binge drinking.This attitude of the wife shocked the major, angered him, and made him furious.He hadn't slept last night or this morning.Uncharacteristically, he became fussy.His face was hot and redder than a boiled lobster.He clenched his fists hard, his chest was in a mess, a commotion like this, the major was even in Kars [Note: A Turkish fortress occupied by Russian troops during the Russo-Turkish War. ] I have never seen or heard of it.He stuck his head out from under the quilt, took a look at the world God created, cursed, then jumped out of bed, waved his fists, walked around the room, hey, come on, bastard!he shouted.

The door creaked and opened.The major's footman, the barber, and Pantelie, the floor-sweeper, stopped before him.This man was wearing old clothes that the master no longer wanted, and he had a puppy under his arm.He stood leaning against the doorframe, blinking submissively. Listen, Panteley, said the major, I am going to talk to you openly and frankly, as a man does, as man to man.stand at attention!Keep your hands flat as if you were holding a fly in your fist!That's right!Can you answer my words honestly and sincerely? OK, sir. Don't look at me with such fuss.It's not okay to make a fuss and look at the master.shut up!You're a bull, man!You don't understand that you should behave in front of me.You answer me directly, without hesitation!Do you usually beat your wife?

Panteley covered his mouth with his hand and smiled silly. Call every Tuesday, sir!He muttered something and giggled. very good.why are you laughing?Don't talk about this kind of thing with a hippie smile!shut up!Don't scratch it in my face, I don't like it.The major pondered for a moment.I thought, boy, it's not just peasants who punish their wives.What do you think about this? Not just peasants, sir. Then you give an example to see! There was a judge in the city named Peter.Ivanitch: Your old man knows him, doesn't he?I worked as a yard sweeper in his house more than ten years ago.All in all, he's a good gentleman, but you've got to be careful when he's drunk.Sometimes, when he came back drunk, he would raise his big fist and hit his wife on the waist.If you don't believe me, let me be struck by lightning!That's not counting, and often even I was incidentally involved, and I was beaten for no reason.While beating his wife, he said in his mouth: You stupid bitch, you don't love me, he said, I wish I could beat you to death because of this, and give your little life away alive

Oh, what about her? She said, please forgive me. oh?real?This is wonderful! The major rubbed his hands together in delight. It is the truth, sir!Besides, how can you not fight, sir!For example, let's take my wife as an example, how can I not hit her!She broke the accordion with one foot, or she ate all the master's pies, which is fine, huh! You bastard, stop talking nonsense!What reason can you make?You can't say a word of smart words, can you?It's none of your own business, don't worry about it!What is the wife doing? Her old man is sleeping. Well, let's do whatever we want!Go and tell Maria to wake up the wife and ask the wife to come to me and wait a moment!What do you think: do I look like a peasant?

How can you look like that, sir?Where have you seen the master look like a farmer?It's not like that at all! Panteley shrugged.The door squeaked again, and he walked out.With a worried look on his face, the major began to wash and get dressed. Honey!When the Major, dressed, saw the pretty Major's wife of twenty years of age enter the room, he said to her in the most insidious tone, that you would spare an hour of your time which has been so good to us, to be with me. ? OK, my friend!replied the major's wife, putting her forehead to the major's lips. As for me, my dear, I intend to take a break and go for a row on the lake. Will you be my most pleasant playmate, you charming person?

Isn't it hot outside?However, my dear ones, as long as you are willing, I am always happy to accompany you.You paddle, I'll take the helm.Shall we take some cold dishes?my stomach is very hungry I've already prepared cold dishes.replied the major, feeling for a short whip in his pocket. Half an hour after this conversation, the major and the major's wife got into the boat and rowed to the center of the lake.The major is sweating and rowing, and the major's wife steers, what a woman she is!What a bitch!What a bitch!The major murmured, looking ferociously at his wife who had sunk into fantasies, impatient, stop the ship!He waited for the boat to reach the middle of the lake, and then he spoke in a rough voice.The boat stopped.The major's face was flushed, and his knees were trembling.

What's the matter with you, Apollosha?asked the major's wife, looking at her husband in surprise. In the end, he chirped and said, so I am a ram?So what am I?So I'm confused?So you never loved me, and you won't love me in the future?So you and I major roared, raised our hands, and waved a short whip in the air, so the boat went o tempora, o mores! [Note: Latin; ah, the times, ah, fashion! 】It was a mess, not to mention describing, even imagining such a mess.Even the painter with the most vigorous imagination who has lived in Italy is unable to describe the scene on the boat. Before Major Serkolobov felt that there was no hair on his head, and the major's wife had not had time to use it from her husband. With the short whip in his hand, the boat capsized, and at that moment, the major's former steward and current township clerk, Ivan G.Pavlovitch was walking on the shore of the lake.While waiting to admire the wonderful scenery of a young woman in the country going to the lake to bathe, he whistled, smoked a cigarette, and thought about the goal of his walk.Suddenly, he heard a heart-piercing cry.From the shout he recognized the voice of his old master, help!cried the major and the major's wife.The clerk took off his jacket, trousers, and leather boots without hesitation, crossed himself three times, and swam to the center of the lake to save people.His swimming ability is much better than his ability to write official documents and office documents, so he has swam close to the person who is about to die in less than three minutes.Ivan.Pavlovich swam up to the dying man, but he was at a loss, not knowing what to do, who to save?He thought to himself, what the hell!He doesn't have that kind of power to save two people at once.It was hard enough for him to save one person.He made a mournful, bewildered expression, and reached out his hand, now to the major, and now to the major's wife.

I can only save one!He said, how can I move you two?Am I a whale or something? Vanya [Note: Ivan's nickname. ], my good man, please save me, the trembling major's wife screamed, grabbing the major's skirt, save me!If you save me, I will marry you!I swear by everything I hold sacred.Ouch, ouch, I'm drowning! Ivan!Ivan.Pavlovich!Show off your chivalry!yes!The major said in a bass voice, choking on the lake water, save me, brother!I'll give you a ruble for wine!Be my father and benefactor and don't let me die I'll wrap you in gold from head to toe but hurry up and save me.You man, really I will marry your sister Maria as a wife! By God, I will!She is a beauty.Don't save the major's wife, get out of here!If you don't save me, I'll beat you to death and make you die!

Ivan.Pavlovich was so dazed by the commotion that he nearly sank to the bottom. The promises of the two seemed to him to be equally favorable, one better than the other.Who should I choose?Time waits for no one!Then I'll save both of them!He decided to himself that it was better to get two rewards than one.That's the way it should be done, really.If it's a god, it won't betray me; if it's a pig, it can't eat me anyway.Lord, bless me!Ivan.Pavlovich made the sign of the cross on his chest, stretched out his right arm to clamp the major's wife, hooked the major's tie with his right index finger, panted, and swam to the shore, you have to swing your legs !He ordered, paddling with his left arm, dreaming of his bright future, the major's wife is my wife, and the major is my brother-in-law!Come on, Vanya!Yes, when you've had your fill of cupcakes, you'll smoke an expensive cigar!Glory to you, Lord!Ivan.Pavlovich dragged two people with one arm and swam against the wind. It was very strenuous, but when he thought about the bright future, he regained his energy.He was so happy that he couldn't help smiling, even giggling, and at last sent the major and the major's wife to land.His joy was nothing small.However, as soon as he saw the major and the major's wife hugging each other affectionately, he suddenly turned pale, raised his fist and hit his forehead, and burst into tears.Although at this time some girls had just crawled out of the lake, surrounded the major and his wife, and looked at the heroic clerk in amazement, he had no intention of understanding them.

The next day, due to the major's secret tricks, Ivan.Pavlovich was dismissed by the town council.The major's wife drove Maria away from her lodgings, and bade her go to her dear master. Oh, man, man!Ivan.While walking along the inauspicious shore of the lake, Pavlovich murmured, in your eyes, what is gratitude?