Chapter 12 Volume 11 Ridiculous Department

gossip The statues of the three religions are molded in the temple, Confucianism first, Buddhism second, and Taoism second.When the Taoist sees it, he immediately moves the old man into the middle.When the monk saw it, he moved Sakyamuni to the middle again.Scholars see, still move Confucius in the middle.The three sages said to each other: We were originally good, but we were broken by these villains. husband Some people who won the first selection by the power of their father-in-law may say in a mocking way: "Confucian disciples entered the test, and it was announced before the announcement. It was reported that Zhang Jiu was the ninth."The crowd said: "He has a handsome appearance, which is good for him."It was also reported to the thirteenth son of Zilu, and the crowd said: "This rough man is so high in the middle school, it's thanks to his courage."It was also reported to Yan Yuan on the twelfth, and the crowd said: "He has the best knowledge, and I have wronged him."It was also reported to Gongye Changwu, and everyone was shocked: "Why is that man not seen at ordinary times, why is he in the front?"One person said: "It's all thanks to someone's support, so he is so high."Question: Who supported him?Said: my husband.

uncle One person led the oxen and walked, and the drinker gave way, and refused to listen, Naiyun: "Look at your master."One person looked back and said: Is there such an uncle in my family? Pick up and send off One person went to Suzhou to marry a concubine, named Su Niang.Later, she went to Hangzhou to marry a concubine, named Hang Niang.His wife made a rule: every time he went to Suzhou and Hangzhou, he had to submit an approval registration, and he had to work with him for a while before he could go forward, which was called sending off.Jilungai has sex with her husband since the evening, also known as Jiefeng.Her husband is suffering from running around and would like to stay alone.One day, the wife got excited suddenly, so she persuaded her husband to go to Suzhou and Hangzhou.The husband said with a smile: I will go to Suzhou and Hangzhou, but I can't afford to see you off.

Suzhou and Hangzhou The people of Hangzhou sit at the same table, and the people of Hangzhou eat only dates, while the people of Suzhou eat only olives.Hang asked Su, what are the benefits of olives, and my brother loves to eat them?Said: the aftertaste is the best.Hang people said: I have been sweet for half a day until you have a good aftertaste. dog bit The dog flew away with a silver ingot in its mouth, and the man fed him meat, then took the clothes and shrouded him away, and then shook them off again.People say that the dog said: "Beast, you are so reluctant to give up. You don't like to eat, and you can't wear them well. What's the use of this money?"

nonstop Those who are open have very little capital.In the first moon, the signboard is written as a word.In a few days, the capital is exhausted, and the redeemer does not come, but on top of the Dang character, write a stop word, and the word stops.When the later redeemer comes again, the capital will be restored, and the word "stop" will be added on top of the word "stop".When people saw it, they said: "I see that your shop is really a little non-stop." peace A couple fell out and went to bed at night. The husband touched his vagina with his hand. The wife pushed him away and said: "The hand hit me during the day, don't come."Husband and kiss, then push away and say: "You are scolding me during the day, don't come."And inserting the penis into the vulva, the woman will not refuse.The husband asked: "Mouth and hands, you really blame him, but this is the only thing you don't refuse, why?"The woman said: He never offended me.In the usual quarrels, it is all thanks to him being an old man who is a peacemaker, so naturally he is allowed to come in and out.

worship Hui people play prostitutes, show off their talents and learning, and when they are about to do something, they have to say an idiom to the point.It is the two strands of Shu prostitutes, who use their yin to their own yang and say: This Danfeng is also facing the sun.Prostitutes also use the Hui people's yang to deal with their own yin, and the Hui people asked: What's the story?The prostitute said: This is called egg bag worship. ten feet Customs officials are absent from class, and those who pass through the customs with empty bodies will also have to pay taxes, and those who have ten legs will be exempted.On the first day of the junior high school, there is no money to pass the customs, and he said: I am also from Longyou, Zhejiang.A dragon has four legs, an ox has four legs, and a man has two legs. Isn't it ten legs?Xu Zhi.Another person asked for tax exemption and said: I am a crab customer.Crabs have eight legs, I have two legs, isn't it ten legs?Also avoid it.The last Huizhou merchant passed the customs without paying taxes.The official of the customs wanted to reprimand him angrily, and replied: "Although the small one has two legs, there are actually eight legs on the body."The officer asked: Where?Answer: The small Hui people are called Hui Otter Cats.Cats have four legs, otters have four legs, and the small one has two legs. Wouldn't it be ten legs in total?

in-laws Seeing a young woman holding a child in her arms, she asked for cheap and said, "What a good son."The woman knew her frivolity, so she said, "That's good, you can send your daughter to him as his wife."The man replied: "If so, you will call my father-in-law." middle man The Jade Emperor wanted to share the Guanghan Palace Code with the Emperor of the Lower Realm when he ran out of money and food to build the Lingxiao Palace.Because it would be good for the person in his thoughts to be an emperor, so he asked the Emperor Zaojun to come down to the realm to negotiate a price.Seeing the court, the people in the court were surprised and said: "Why are the people sent by the heavenly court so black?"Zao Jun said with a smile: "People in the world, those things are done for nothing!"

matchmaker There are those who are poor, and they may teach them that it is enough to only ask for a matchmaker.The man said: Can media security cure poverty?The answer is: follow your poor family, and after passing through the matchmaker, you will all make a fortune! table number A rich man was illiterate, and there was a borrower who borrowed a horse, and said, "If I want him to come out, I will take a leave of absence for a ride."Weng said angrily: "I am just a pair of feet, how can I borrow them?"Pangyou said on behalf of the solution: The so-called horse with the foot is also the title of the horse.Weng Nai laughed and said: "If you don't believe in animals, there are signs."

prodigy Those who are good at outsiders are waiting for a friend.A friend knew its nature, and called out: "Call the fine boy with tea."Now the tea presenter is a strange and ugly boy.The man said: "What is the name of a fine boy like this?"Youbai: It's just that some people (sound silver) don't get angry. commensurate A vulgar man builds a fine room, and there are antiques, calligraphy and paintings in the room, and everything is prepared.The guest came and asked, "If there is any incompatibility among them, I'm glad you can advise, and you should go."The guest said: "Everything is fine, there is only one thing to go."The master asked: What is it?The guest said: "It's just one step."

watch fan Those who borrow good fans to view them cherish them and line them with cotton shirts.The fan owner saw that the sleeves were ugly, and said: "It's better to hold it with bare hands." Sex does not drink One person offers a bottle of wine and a piece of rot to benefit the city god.After the sacrifice, seeing the dog nearby, he quickly ordered the boy to collect it.Tong Fang brought wine in, and the rot had been eaten by dogs.The Lord said angrily: "Slave!"Whether you accept it or not, you should only accept the tofu first.Don't you know that dogs never eat wine!

ghost bearer Zhong Kui specializes in eating ghosts, and his sister gave him a birthday present, and the post said: "One pot of wine, two ghosts, give it to my brother to make some chops."If the elder brother thinks there are too few presents, there are three people who will bear the burden.After Zhong Kui finished watching, he ordered the three ghosts to be cooked by the chef.The ghost carrying the burden is called the burden-carrying ghost and said: We are all equal in death, but why do you bother to carry this burden? grimace The King of Hades sent ghost soldiers to arrest three people and bring them to court. He asked the first one first: what did you do during your lifetime?Answer: Sewing and patching.The king said: You welcome the new and abandon the old, you should escort the oil pan.Ask the second one again: What is your physiology?The answer: sell flowers.Wang said: You have grown out of the festival, and the hair is in the oil pan.Ask the third one again, and the answer is: grimace.Wang said: "All are taken to the oil pan."The man refused to accept it, and said: "I made a funny face to show off my strength for the king. How can I commit this crime together?"The king said, I blame you for giving him a good face when you see a lot of money, and bullying him for a little money.

Toothworm Those who suffer from toothache cannot be cured.The doctor said: There is a giant worm inside, like a silkworm, you must catch this worm before cutting the root.Q: How do you get to be big?The doctor said: Eating big in the teeth (yamen) gate since childhood, it can hurt people the most. dog belly When the new official arrived, the officials knelt down and offered a crucian carp, which was delicious and unusual.After the official meal, every time I thought about it again, the servants searched for nothing.Still asking for it from the official, the official said: "This fish is not bought in the market."I even slaughtered a dog yesterday, and those who got it from the dog's belly thought it was a different product, so they dared to offer it.The official said, "Is this the only crucian carp?"The official said: How can there be a second crucian carp in the dog's belly (sentence). food and armor A mouse came out of the gutter, and the myopic stared at it for a long time, saying, "Hey!A senior official in sable fur.The mouse shrinks in when it sees people.After a while, another big tortoise came out of the cave, and said nearsightedly, "you can only go in if you are wearing a sable coat, and you have sent another armored soldier." Egg pierced mouth A girl conceived in her womb for no reason, her parents questioned her why, and the girl said: "There is no affair, only one day I ran into someone who came to me, bumped my mouth, and then I got pregnant."Nothing else.The father pondered for a long time, and suddenly realized, he said: "Hey, I understand. This man's egg bag is actually worn on his mouth." Merry not Some prostitutes run out of money, and the bustard buys wine to preserve it.Suddenly it rained, and the client sighed and said: "When the rain falls, the sky keeps customers, but the sky keeps people.The bustard thought he was throwing money away, so he reluctantly stayed overnight.It snowed again the next day.On the third day, when the wind picked up, the prostitutes hoped that they would stay again, and still went forward to sing and sigh.The bustard said: "Now that the officials have no money, it's impossible to keep the wind." good turtle At the time of the big competition, one person was destined to be one in the imperial examination, and the fortune-teller was lucky enough to make a fortune.The man was overjoyed and took the tortoise shell with him.At the end of the roll call, the main test will come up with questions, aiming to solve the confusion, and can't make a word all day long.Yin caressed the tortoise and said with a sigh: "I don't believe that such a good tortoise can't write!" pass spectrum If someone wants to have sex with a virgin girl, he first asks about her object, saying: "What is this object, do you know it?"The woman said: That is one.Because the word egg is inconvenient to export, it is pretending to be allegorical.He asked again: "Wait, what's under your waist?"The woman said: "It's also one."The man said: You have one, and I have one too. It can be seen that these two things are both surnamed Zhang. They belonged to the same family five hundred years ago. Why don't you let him understand the spectrum?The girl made Xu Zhi, so she untied her trousers and made love to each other.After the matter was over, the woman sighed and said: "The genealogy is now clear, but this door is getting bigger and bigger, and it can't be restrained, but how good is it?" Liaison One day, the eyebrows suddenly wanted to join the clan with the armpit hair, but the armpit hair refused, saying: "I am also under the hands of others, how can I get married with you?"There is a good place to lead you to Lianke.Q: Where?Said: The new flagpole is erected below. engagement One person went to the toilet, and there was a woman next to the toilet, and she lost the clean paper by chance, because she said: If anyone is interested in giving me, I would like to be her wife.When people hear it, they hand it out from the gap in the wall for what they use.Nvjing went away.The man sighed and said: "Although the marriage has been settled, how can this ass debt be clean?" rich boast When a person lost his way and met a dumb person, he didn't answer the question, but he made a money sample with his hand to show that he could get the money, and he was willing to guide him.The man implied what he meant, that is, to give it to him by counting money, and the dumb man opened his mouth to point out the way.The man asked, "Why don't you have the money to pretend to be dumb?"The dumb said: In today's world, if you have money, you can talk! ancient and modern At the head of a family, people come and go drowning, and the foul smell is unpleasant.Because I couldn't refuse it, I drew a turtle on the wall, and the inscription said: "The one who drowns here is this thing."One evil is rare, so I asked: whose handwriting is this?The painter let him go, and the young master said: Song Huizong, Zhao Ziang and my brother will live forever together.The painter inquired about the reason, and replied: Song Huizong's eagle, Zhao Ziang's horse, brother such a tortoise, can be called the three wonders of ancient and modern times. termites There are guests out, while the host sneaks in to diners.After leaving, the guest said: "there is a good hall in the house, but unfortunately many beams and columns have been eaten away by termites."The master looked around and said: "There is no such thing."The guest said: "He eats inside, how will outsiders know?" black beard The maidservant is young, and the master is old, and has repeatedly refused to steal.The master said angrily: Don't be praised by others!You are so pretentious, I have my own way to deal with you.The maid asked how to do it, and the master said, "I will marry you only when your pubic hair is completely white."The maid said: "It's okay, I have my own black beard medicine." smoke People have sent night soup and rice, and they have eaten up all the wine and meat.Just as the paper was about to be finished, and a group of dogs gathered around, the man said: "Everyone is a step late, and I don't have anything to invite you. Come and have some cigarettes." Smoker Clients love cleanliness very much, and prostitutes are very interesting in every way, and many of them hate them.The prostitute smelled the fragrance of the vagina, and the client was hit when he heard about it, and he was shocked: it turned out to be a smoker who ate cigarettes. trouble Or ask: Who will take the name of Fan Chi?Said: Confucius took it.Question: Who took the name of Fan Kuai?Said: Han Zu took it.He also said: Who will take the name of affliction?Said: This is his own. Jiaxing people The lower louse invites the upper louse to feast and drink. The upper louse travels to the navel, and when it sees the kidney hanging upside down, it returns in shock.One day, the lower louse met the louse again, and described the previous request, why did it fail?Shang Li said: "That day, Zhixiong's family was in a state of restlessness for the sake of human life, so it was not easy to disturb."Xia Li said: "It's nothing."Shang Li said: "How can you deny that a Jiaxing man was hanged at your gate?"The next louse said: "Then see that he is from Jiaxing?"The answer: He now has two rotten duck eggs with him. cat chasing mouse Once upon a time, a cat caught a mouse and drove it into a bottle. The cat was reluctant to give up, and was still waiting by the bottle.The mouse is very afraid and dare not come out.The cat sneezed suddenly, and the mouse said in the bottle: Good luck.The cat said: "It's irrelevant, you flatter me, I just want to eat you!" birthday The cat and the mouse celebrate their birthdays, and they sit at the entrance of the cave, and the mouse dare not come out.Suddenly sneezed inside, and the cat wished: "a thousand years old!"The group of mice said: "He is so respectful, why not see him?"The mouse said: "Why did he really come to celebrate his birthday? He tricked me out and was about to chew me hard." ruthless One of them hangs a counting bead on the cat's neck, and the group of mice congratulates each other privately, saying: "Old official cat has fasted and prayed to Buddha, so he will definitely not eat ours."So they rejoiced in the court. When the cat saw it, it fed several of them.The rats ran around, saying behind their backs: We think he has a compassionate mind for chanting Buddha's name. It turns out that he is practicing falsely.One replied: You don't know, those who practice and recite the Buddha's name in the world are ten times more cruel than ordinary people. ridicule vicious The bee and the snake form an alliance, and the bee says: I want to go up the river with you.The snake said: Yes, you must lie on my back.Walking in the middle of the river, the snake has no strength, and it sinks or floats.The bee suspected that the snake would harm him, so he nailed his tail thorn to the snake's back.The snake cursed in pain and said: People say my mouth is poisonous, but your stomach is even more poisonous! call rude Countless young men went down to the pond to bathe in the water, and were bitten by a small snake.The little servant was angry and drained the pond. When he saw the little snake, he cursed and said, "This little beast is too rude. You are the one who bit me!" ridicule The birthday of the phoenix is ​​celebrated by all birds, but not bats.Feng blamed him and said: "You live under me, why are you so proud?"The bat said: "I have feet, which belong to beasts. What's the use of congratulations?"One day, the unicorn was born, and the bats did not come, so the unicorn was also responsible for it.The bat said: "I have wings, and I belong to birds. Why congratulate me?"Lin and Feng met, talked about bats, and sighed to each other: "There is so much evil in the world today, and there are such people who are neither birds nor beasts, what a helpless person!" Toxin People asked: How can mutton and goose be so poisonous?Or answer: I have been a vegetarian all my life. mocking surname Ni There is an old poem about letting go of guns, mocking a person whose surname is Ni, and recording it for laughing.The poem said: Sitting alone in the study and being a wife, this feeling is not known to outsiders.If you change your left hand for your right hand, you will stop your wife and remarry.One stroke one stroke after another, the whole body is itchy and bone fanatic.Little by little fell to the ground, and the children and grandchildren were all surnamed Ni (Ni). white chew The three of them sat together, and occasionally talked about the abomination of rats in the house.One said: the food in the dormitory is not allowed to be released, and it was stolen by him in a blink of an eye.One cloud: The clothes and books at home cannot be scattered, and they are often damaged by him.Another said: Only the Han family mice don't steal food and bite clothes, and they cry all night long until dawn.The two said: "Why is this?"The answer is: rely solely on chewing for nothing. chewing maggots There are those who are good at telling jokes, people laugh at them and say: There is a dog in my family, which fell into the cesspit and has not died for three years and six months.The man said: In that case, what does he eat?The answer: rely on chewing maggots alone. load of jokes At the age of seventy, a scholar suddenly gave birth to a son, who was born because of his age, which is called age.Not long after, another son was born, who seemed to be able to read, named Xuewen.The next year, he gave birth to another son, and said with a smile: "It's a joke to have a son at such an old age."Because the name is a joke.The three of them were old and healthy, so they all ordered to go to the mountains to collect firewood.When he returned, the husband asked, "Which one of the three sons has more firewood?"The wife said: "I'm getting old, but I don't have much knowledge, and I have a lot of jokes." listen to jokes A woman was having an affair with her neighbor, and she said to the woman, "I often want to come and see you, and it prevents your husband from being at home. What can I do?"The woman said: Dig a hole in the wall, you can stretch this thing through, if he is not there, I can communicate.One day, the husband was telling a joke at home, when he suddenly saw something between the walls, the husband questioned him, but the woman had no answer, so she hurriedly replied, "I was listening to a joke." Avoid There are snobs, every time they go out, they will avoid them every time they come out.The traveler asked why, and the answer was: abandoning relatives.So many times, the companions hate it.When I met a beggar by chance, I also followed him to avoid him, saying: "Give up your relatives."Question: Why is there such an order.Said: But yes, you have recognized them all. make fun of A and B are walking together, A sees the crown of the showman, and says to B, "This is my friend, I will get off the car when I see it, and I will avoid it."Unexpectedly, he avoided entering the house of the conspicuous man. After the conspicuous man entered the door, he was surprised and said: "Why did you hit me in vain, and hide in my door!"Call the boy and chase him.B asked, "Since we are good friends, how can we see insults?"Answer: He has always been used to teasing me like this. eat olives When the villagers go to the city to drink, there are olives in the waist table.The villagers took the food, but it was astringent and tasteless, so they asked the people at the same table, "What is this?"Those at the same table, with their village atmosphere, despise it and say: vulgar.The villagers think that vulgarity is the name, so they keep it in mind.Guiwei said, "I tasted a strange thing in the city today, and it's called Su."The crowd didn't believe it, but the man opened his mouth and said, "if you don't believe it, your mouth is full of vulgarity now." avoid chief Those who are sick and insane will be treated by doctors, but the doctors will refuse to use them.The patient said: I also know that it is difficult to cure, but I need to take some medicines that produce phlegm and invigorate Qi, and treat it as tuberculosis and bloating.The doctor said: Madness, tuberculosis, swelling, and diaphragm are all common diseases, why should they be changed?The sick man said: I heard that I am crazy, tuberculosis, bloated, and diaphragmatic. I am the guest of King Yama.I was afraid of being the first in my life, so I moved to the second and third. tile kiln One person gave birth to several daughters in a row, and invited friends to have a banquet.A friend wrote a poem, which is a gift from the play: Last year, they recruited each other because of making tiles, and this year they recruited each other again.After all the tiles were made, Lingzheng turned out to be a tile kiln. Mock Zhou's surname In the salinized area of ​​central Zhejiang, there are four major clans: Zha, Zhu, Dong, and Xu.Later, a person with the surname Zhou occasionally made two lists. He lives in a powerful village and wants to keep pace with the four major surnames.The people in the village ridiculed him because of his poems: Chazhu Dong Xuzhou, turtles, dragons, rivers and rivers, tigers, leopards, rhinoceros, elephants, and monkeys. joker One person stays with a guest for lunch, and the other guest has already eaten a bowl, and there is no refill.The guest wanted the owner to know, so he pretended to say: "A certain family has a house and wants to sell one."So he turned the mouth of the bowl to the owner and said: "The rafters are also as big as this."Seeing that there was no food in the bowl, the master urgently called for the boy to add it.Because I asked the guest: "How much does he want?"The guest said: "Now I have food to eat, so I don't want to sell it." Recognize ethnicity Those with the Wang surname are usually the best to join the genealogy. Whenever they meet someone with a similar surname, they don't call it the Han family, but they say the wei family.When I met a person surnamed Wang by chance, I pointed to him as a friend and said, "This is my nephew."You said: "Why is the Wang surname from the Sheng family?"The man said: "He is the Wang family in Shuike Road."When I met a person with the surname Kuang, I also recognized him as my grandnephew.The man said: Kuang and Wang are far behind each other.The answer was: He is the Wang family within the wall.Also refers to a full surname, Yiyun: It's the younger brother.What's the deal?The person said: He was a royal family who scorned movies in the adults' family since he was a child.He also pointed out that the person surnamed Mao was from the Han family, and his friends laughed at the absurdity, saying: You don't know, he was originally from my royal family, but because he gave birth to a tail target, he made his hairy head.People asked: Wang and Huang have the same pronunciation, why are they not from the same family?Same answer: why not?That is the eighth brother of Tiantou in Eranydu.