Chapter 26 Chapter Twenty-Five

The next few minutes are like a fragmented nightmare, filled with blank spaces.I remember running forward, slid by the broken glass, but still at full speed toward Daniel.I remember Abby squatting beside him, her eyes wide like a cat's, her teeth bared and her claws flailing, trying to resist me. I remember her T-shirt was covered in blood, someone broke into the door, the sound echoed in the house, several men shouted, and their feet were chaotic.A hand reached into my armpit and pulled me away. I turned around and kicked hard. The other party shook my body vigorously. I took a closer look and found that Frank was in front of me. Kathy stopped me to relax and it was over.

Sam pushed him away, running rough hands over me, checking for bullet holes, bloody fingers.Are you bleeding? Are you bleeding?I don't know.Sam turned me around and grabbed me, his voice finally relaxed: You're fine, you're fine, he missed someone mentioned the window, something was said, someone was sobbing. Too much light in the room, too many bright colors, too many sounds, ambulance, go call Later, someone helped me out of the house through the front door and put me in the patrol car, closing the door.I sat there for a long time, looking at the cherry trees, the calm sky that was slowly darkening, and the shadows of the mountains in the distance, all in a daze.

Law enforcement officers are involved in shooting incidents, and the police department has a set of operating procedures.The police have procedures in everything they do, but usually people deliberately don't mention it. When it is necessary, the custodian will take out the rusty key and blow the dust off the file.I have never encountered a policeman who shot someone, and no one told me what I would face, how to deal with it, and whether I could get out unscathed in the end. Bourne and Daodi were ordered to take me to the police station in Phoenix Park.The political style group is in the department, sitting in a luxurious office, and the air is full of hostility.Bourne drove, shoulders slumped like comic book speech bubbles, as if to say: I knew this was going to happen.

I sat in the back seat like a suspect, and Daodi peeked at me from the rearview mirror, careful not to let me notice.He may have never encountered such an exciting thing in his life, and gossip is always easy to use in the police world, and he won the big prize this time, I think he is literally drooling with joy.My legs were so cold, it was as if I had fallen into a pool of ice, and I could barely move.Bourne turned off the engine at every traffic light, muttering and complaining. People in the political style group are disgusting, and everyone calls them traitors, rakes, or even worse titles.But they were kind to me, at least that day.They work professionally, with a detached and gentle attitude, as if they are skillfully performing diagnosis and treatment rituals in the face of accidental and inhuman injuries.

They withheld my police badge, only for the duration of the investigation.One of them reassured me so.I felt as if my head had been shaved.They removed the bandages, undid the microphone, took the gun away as evidence (of course), carefully put on latex gloves, sealed the gun in an evidence bag, and took a sharp note with a marker. In the laboratory, a forensic officer with brown hair tied up in a bun, like a Victorian maid, skillfully pricked my arm with a needle, and drew blood to test the concentration of alcohol and drugs. I vaguely remember Xiaorui pouring wine and the cold and smooth touch of the glass, but I don't remember drinking it myself.I thought, this should work in my favor.The forensic personnel took a swab on my arm to test for ammunition remnants.I seemed to be looking at myself from a distance, and found that my hands did not tremble and were as stable as Mount Tai. Living in the forest house for a month had enough food and drink, which also made my wrists plump a lot.

You see, the forensics personnel comforted me and said: it is fast and painless.But I just stared at my hands, and it wasn't until hours later, when I was sitting in the lobby with the mundane paintings on my head and the drab sofa under my buttocks, waiting for someone to pick me up to another place, that I remembered hearing the same intonation, and it comes from my mouth.Not to the victim, not to the family, but to others.To the husband who left his wife rashly, the mother who scalded the baby with boiling water, and the murderer, in the dizzy moment after they confide everything, in that unbelievable moment, I also said to them in a very gentle voice: It’s okay, nothing will happen Yes, take a deep breath, the worst is over.

The night outside the laboratory window was low, the iron-gray sky reflected the city lights, with a touch of bright yellow on the edge, and a crescent moon that could be snapped hung low over the treetops in the park.There was a cold wind and a shiver shivered down my spine, and I pictured the police car driving away through Glensky, Naylor's eyes burning, and the night coming fast and heavy. Logically speaking, Frank and Sam and I cannot communicate with each other until the interrogation is over.I told the forensic officer to go to the bathroom, gave her a womanly look, and asked her to let me wear the jacket.

I went into the toilet, and while it was flushing (from the thick carpet to the quiet atmosphere in the political style group, people couldn’t help being suspicious) I sent a text message to Sam and Frank in a hurry: Remember to send someone to watch the forest house. I cut my phone to silent, sat on the toilet seat, smelled the disgusting artificial flower scent, and waited for the two to call back.I waited until I couldn't wait any longer, and the phone didn't respond.They may have all turned off their phones, and they are trying their best to interrogate others, skillfully coaxing Abby, Xiao Rui and Justin, discussing countermeasures in low voices in the corridor, and questioning them persistently and mercilessly.

Maybe, my heart was pounding in my throat, maybe one of them was talking to Daniel in the hospital.Daniel was on an IV, pale, and paramedics in uniform ran in and out.I tried my best to remember where the bullet hit him, and played it repeatedly in my mind, but the images were intermittent, stopping and going, and I couldn't see anything.I thought of him nodding slightly, the barrel of the gun raised, and the recoil made my arm fly back.I thought of those gray eyes, with their slightly dilated pupils, and Abby's monotonous no-no.I thought of the white wall against which Daniel was leaning, and the deafening silence around my ears.

The forensic personnel took me back to the political conduct team, and they said that if I have not calmed down, I can make a statement tomorrow.But I said no thanks, I'm fine.They then explained to me that I had the right to seek assistance from a lawyer or a union representative.But I said no thanks, I'm fine.Their interrogation room was smaller than that of the serious crimes unit, and the chairs could not be stretched too far, but it was relatively tidy, with no graffiti, no smoke scars on the carpet, and no dents on the walls caused by the violent throwing of chairs. The two officers of the political style team look like accountants in cartoons: gray suits, Mediterranean bald heads, no lips, and rimless glasses.One of them was standing behind me against the wall, and the other was sitting across from me, and even if you're all too familiar with these tricks, they still do it.The operator moved the note irritably, aligning it with the edge of the table, turned on the tape recorder and talked a lot.Well, when he was done, he said to me: Go ahead, detective.

Daniel, I said, and all I could get out was this: Will he be all right?But before the operator spoke, before his eyelids twitched and his eyes flickered, I already knew the answer. After the Zhengfeng twins finished taking notes, it was late at night, and the forensic officer (her name was Jillian) drove me home.You must think that I am telling the truth, yes, I have said all the facts that can be said, and every sentence is true, but I have not told the whole truth.Yes, I thought I had no choice but to shoot, and yes, I wanted to do a deterrent attack to avoid killing my opponent, but I didn't have the chance.Yes, I think my life is threatened.No, there was no prior indication that Daniel was aggressive.No, he is not the main suspect we locked, the reasons are as follows (a long list) I pondered for a moment before remembering, it feels far away, as if it happened a long time ago.No, I don't think it was me, Sam, or Frank that had a gun in the house.Leaving illegal items in place is standard undercover practice, and in this case simply removing the pistol would have disrupted the operation.Yes, in hindsight, it wasn't wise to do so.They said they would talk to me again soon, which sounded like a threat.They made an appointment with a therapist for me, and the guy must be sweating from the case. Gillian needs my (Lacey's) clothes tested for ammunition remnants.She stood by the door of my apartment, clasped her hands, and watched me change because she had to make sure she got what she wanted and not a clean t-shirt.My clothes felt cold and stiff, as if they weren't mine.The apartment was also cold, with a faint damp smell, and everything had a thin layer of dust on it.Sam hasn't been here for a while. I handed the clothes to Gillian, who folded them neatly and put them in the big evidence bag.With her hands full, she hesitated at the door.This was the first time I saw her hesitate, and it occurred to me that she might be younger than me.You'll be fine at home alone, right?she asked. I am fine.I said.At the end of the day, I have already answered it countless times. I want to get a T-shirt and write this sentence on it. Can someone come over with you? I would call my boyfriend and I said: he will come.But I don't know if Sam will come, not at all. After Gillian took what was left of Lacie, I sat on the windowsill with a glass of brandy.I hate brandy, but I daresay I'd have had at least four kinds of shocks if I'd been diagnosed with a doctor, and there's only brandy in the house.I watched the lighthouse beams flicker, as calm and regular as a heartbeat, across the bay.It's long past bedtime, but I don't want to lie in bed anyway.The light at the head of the bed was dim, illuminating the mattress to feel that there was a hidden danger, and there were many sultry heat and nightmares in ambush.I want to call Sam, like I'm dehydrated, but I can't stand him not answering, at least not this night. A house alarm bell blares in the distance, but then someone cuts it off, and the silence swells again, hissing at me.In the south, the lights of Port Dun Laoghaire are neat and orderly, like Christmas lights.All of a sudden, I seemed to see (it should be a hallucination) the Wicklaw Mountains reflected in the sky.At this time in the middle of the night, there are few vehicles on the coastal road, and the headlights slowly turn on and off. I thought to myself, where are these lone rangers going in the cars like warm bubbles?What's on your mind?Surrounding them are many delicate lives that are hard-won and irreplaceable. I don't think of my parents very often, I can count them on one hand.I don't want the memories to be blurred and faded due to overexposure. I hope that when I occasionally bring up the past, the images will always be vivid and clear enough to take my breath away. But that night, I spread all my memories on the windowsill, like fragile silhouettes cut out of tissue paper, and examined them carefully section by section.The figure of my mother by the bedside lamp, with slender wrists and curly hair tied into a ponytail, rests her hand on my forehead. I have never smelled it anywhere else.Her voice was deep and sweet, and she sang French songs to me to lull me to sleep: the spring water was clear, and I met by chance while walking, and the sparkling water made me immersed. My mother was younger than me now, and passed away at the age of thirty. My father and I sat on the green mountain and taught me to tie my shoes.His brown shoes were tattered and his hands were strong with a scraped knuckle.My mouth tastes like a cherry popsicle, my shoelaces are untied, and the father and daughter giggle.We lay on the sofa and watched "Old Cloth Cat" under the quilt. My father embraced my mother and me with both arms. Laughter vibrates my bones. My mother put on makeup and was about to go out to sing. I lay on the bed watching her, twisting the quilt with my thumb and asking: How did you know Dad?Mother faced the mirror with a slight smile in her dim eyes: I will tell you when you are older.One day, when you also have a daughter. The sky was turning gray on the horizon, and while I was hoping for a gun to practice on the range, I wondered if a shot of brandy would make me doze off and fall off the ledge.At this time, the doorbell rang suddenly, and it rang lightly, tentatively, so fast that I thought it was my hallucination. It's Sam.He didn't stick his hands out of his pockets, and I didn't touch him.I didn't want to wake you up, he said, but then I thought, if you didn't sleep at all I couldn't sleep and I said: how is it going? I also know that they are not human, hate us, and refuse to say anything. Well, I said: I think so. how are you I am fine.I answered subconsciously. Sam looked around the room too neatly, the sink had no dishes, the mattress wasn't spread out and he blinked hard as if his eyelids were itchy.The text message you sent me, he said: As soon as I got it, I passed it on to Bourne, and he said he would keep an eye on the house, but you know him too, and he only stopped by to look at it when he was on night patrol. A hazy shadow looms up behind me, trembling on my shoulder like a cat poised to pounce.Naylor, I said: what did he do?Sam rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.Firefighters determined it was gasoline.We had cordoned off all around the house, but the cops broke in the door before, and the back window, the one that Daniel shot through, and the guy went right over the cordon and slammed into the house. The fire was burning on the mountain, Abby, Xiao Rui and Justin were in the interrogation room, and Daniel and Lacey were lying on the cold iron bed.Did they rescue anything? When Bourne discovered the fire and the fire brigade rushed to the scene, the area was in the wilderness. I know.I said.Somehow I was already sitting on the mattress.I feel everything about Hawthorn House imprinted in me: the shape of the spiral balustrade in my palm, the curve of the bed frame in my back, the slope and curve of the staircase under my feet.My body is like a shimmering treasure map of a lost island.What Lacey started, I ended.One after another, we razed the hawthorn forest house to the ground and turned it into ashes.Maybe she wanted me to do that in the first place. Anyway, Sam said to me: I think it's better for me to tell you than I don't know, morning news.I know how you feel about that room.He didn't walk towards me, sit down, or take off his coat, though he couldn't hear a hint of anger. Others, I say: do they know?Before I remembered how much they hated me, and how much they should hate me, I had a vague feeling: I should tell them, I should tell them. Well, I told them.They don't hate me but Frank so I guess it's me.Their Sam shook his head, the corners of his mouth were tightly pursed, and I immediately guessed the reaction of the others.They'll be fine, he said: eventually they will. They have no family, I said: no friends, nothing.Where are they going to stay? Sam sighed and said: They are currently in police custody, needless to say, for conspiracy to murder.But it won't work. We lack direct evidence, unless they ask, but it's impossible. But hey, we'll try anyway.After they are released tomorrow, the Counseling Center for Victims will help them find a place to stay. What is that guy called?I asked.His name is in my head, but I can't say it: ran to set the fire.Did you catch him? Are you talking about Naylor?Bourne and Daodi went to arrest him, but they couldn't find him.He knew the mountainous area like the palm of his hand, so it was useless to chase after him.That kid will come home sooner or later, just catch him then. What a mess, I said.Dim lights make the apartment feel deep underground and suffocating.Five-star, twenty-four-carat mess. yes!Sam said: Well he tugged the shoulders of his jacket a little bit and watched the starlight fading out the window behind me.She's been a problem from the start, the girl.But things will work out eventually, I think.I should go. I will get back to the bureau tomorrow morning and interrogate the three of them again to do my best.I just came to tell you something. Sam, I said.I couldn't stand up, so I could only muster up the remaining strength, stretched out my hand and said to him: Stay here. I saw him biting his lower lip, still refusing to look me in the eye.You should sleep too, you must have been hit hard, I shouldn't have come here, the Political Style Team said I couldn't tell him: At the moment when I thought I was going to die, I only thought of you.I can't even say please.I just sat on the couch, stretched out a hand, held my breath, and prayed in my heart to God that it wasn't too late. Sam put his hand over his mouth.I want to know one thing, he said: Will you be transferred back to the undercover team? No, I said: impossible, absolutely not.This time was different, an exception. But Frank said Sam stopped suddenly, shook his head in disgust and said, That bitch. what did he say? Ah, isn’t that just a bunch of nonsense, Sam sat on the sofa like a puppet with a broken rope and said: What a day undercover, life undercover, you have tasted it now, you will definitely go back and so on.I can't help it and it sucks for a few weeks, Kathy, I can't bear to have you go undercover full-time again, there's really nothing I can do about it. I'm too tired to be angry.Frank was just talking nonsense, and I said: he's the best at that kind of thing.Even if I go back to work as an undercover agent, I certainly won't and won't be his subordinate.He just didn't want you to take me home, he thought it was just for you to think I fit in there As it sounds, Sam said: Exactly.He looked down at the coffee table, wiping the dust with his fingertips.So you'll be in the domestic violence unit?forever? You mean, assuming I can keep my job after what happened yesterday? Yesterday was Frank's fault.Despite the tiredness on his face, Sam said, I saw a flash of sullenness in him.not yours.Every drop of blood shed in this case will be counted on his head.The political style group is not an idiot, they will see it, everyone can see it. It wasn't Frank's fault, I said: I was there, Sam, I let the situation get out of control, I gave Daniel a chance to get the gun, I shot him.I can't blame Frank. I let him carry out this crazy idea, and I can't afford it.But he is the one in command, since he wants to be the boss, no matter what happens, he has to take responsibility.If he dares to throw trouble at you He won't, I said: that's not his style. I think that's his style, said Sam.He shook his head, brushing Frank out of his mind.We'll talk about this later.But assuming you're right and he doesn't pull you to wipe his ass, you'll still be in the domestic violence unit? Now yes, I said: Yes, but I actually didn't think I would blurt it out, I didn't think I would ever say it, but when I heard the words, I suddenly felt that as early as that bright afternoon, I sat down with Daniel. Beneath the vines, the words are waiting for me to say them.Miss Homicide, Sam.Miss it terribly, always.I want to go back. yes!Sam raised his head and took a deep breath and said to me: Yes, I thought about it.So it's over for the two of us.Do not interact with colleagues in the group.O'Kelly put it more elegantly, don't cook rice on the company photocopier.No, I said to him: No, Sam, it doesn't have to be.Even if O'Kelly is willing to let me go back, it may be years before I fill the vacancy, who knows what will happen to us then?Maybe you have been promoted to team leader.Sam didn't smile. Even if I return to the group smoothly, I can keep a low profile.That's how it is with everybody, Sam, and you know that too.Just like Norton and Rey Norton and Rey were in the DMV for ten years, and they were together for eight years.The two said they were just hitchhiking, and everyone pretended not to know, even their chief. Sam shook his head like a big dog just waking up.I don't want that, he said: Good luck to them, but I want everything down to earth.Maybe you'd be content to be like them, and I've always thought that's why you don't want people to know about us.Of course you might go back to homicide one day but I'm not looking for fried rice or a one night stand or something half-baked and the two of you have to act like he's starting to fumble around in his coat and get tired like a drunk Clumsy.I've been carrying it since we started dating two weeks ago, remember the day we went on an outing to Howse Mountain?I remember it was Sunday? I remember.It was a cool, cloudy day, with a drizzle of rain in the sky, the smell of the sea filling my chest, and the salty taste of Sam's lips.We spent the afternoon strolling along the edge of the towering cliffs and eating fish and chips for dinner on a bench.My legs were so sore, it was the first time I felt myself since Operation Vesta. From that day on, Sam said: I just bought this and picked it up at lunchtime.He finally found what he was looking for and dropped it on the coffee table.It was a blue velvet ring box. Oh, Sam, I said: Oh, Sam. I'm serious, Sam said: this, everything, you and me.I'm not kidding. Neither do I.I said.In the observation room that day, the look in Sam's eyes, no.never was.I just I was just lost and dazed for a while.Sorry Sam, I totally screwed up and I'm really sorry. I love you, really.You're going undercover like that, it's driving me crazy.I can't even find someone to talk to because no one knows about you and me.I can not Sam stopped and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.I know there must be a better way to ask, but the edge of my vision flickers and distorts, making it impossible for me to think.I thought to myself, what a terrible time to talk about things like this.Sam, I said: Did I kill a man today, or yesterday, whatever.I've had my brain drained, so you can only speak clearly.Are you going to break up with me now, or propose to me?I'm pretty sure what Sam's going to say, I just want to get this over with, say goodnight, drink the rest of the brandy in one gulp, and pass out. Sam glanced at the ring box in bewilderment, as if he didn't know how it got there.Jesus, he said: I don't I've planned it all, to go to a nice restaurant with a great window view and stuff like that, and champagne.but i mean now He picked up the ring box and opened it.I couldn't react at all, I just knew that he didn't seem to intend to get rid of me.I felt relieved, never felt so relieved and uncomfortable.Sam rose from the couch and dropped awkwardly to one knee. All right!He handed the ring box to me and said.His eyes were wide and pale, feeling as surprised as I was.Will you marry me? I just want to laugh.Not laughing at him, but laughing at the fact that the day was so ridiculous it made you want to scream.I'm afraid that once I laugh, I won't be able to stop.I know, Sam swallowed, and said: I know it means you can't go back to Homicide unless your superiors give you permission, and And neither of us will get any special treatment.I said.Daniel's words brushed against my cheeks like black feathers and the evening wind from a distant mountain.God says, take what you want and pay for it. Well, for goodness sake, if you'd think about it, he swallowed again.Of course, you don't have to decide now.I know tonight is not the right time but I have to because sooner or later I have to ask. The style of the ring is simple, and a round diamond is inlaid on the thin ring, like a bright dewdrop.I never imagined that I would one day wear a wedding ring.I thought of Lacey taking off the ring in the dark room and putting it next to her and Chad's bed.I felt the difference between me and her cut like a thin knife between us: once I put the ring on, I never took it off. I hope you are happy.Sam said.The surprise in his eyes disappeared, and he stared at me with piercing eyes.no matter what happens.As long as you're not happy, everything is in vain If you don't go back to the Crime Unit, you won't be happy, then tell me. The world is so ruthless.Lacy laughs, works, and even sleeps with people, but she cuts them open whenever they get in their way.Daniel loved her like a sister, yet sat by her side and silently watched her die before she betrayed his enchanted castle.Frank and I call each other brothers, but he sends me where he knows he might bury me alive. Forest House let me into its secret world, and I blew it to pieces.Rob, my partner, backer, best friend, kicked me out of his life because he wanted to sleep with me and I did.Sam and I were so screwed that he could have given me the thumbs-up and left me forever, but he didn't because I held out my hand for him to stay. I want to go back to the Major Crimes Unit, I said: but not necessarily immediately, not even recently.One day we will definitely make a name for ourselves, either you or me, if the performance test is full, then the officer will approve it. What if not?What if we never make it, or they just say no?So what to do? The black feather brushed against my chin again.I say you agree. Well, I said: It doesn't matter, except that you will have to listen to me complaining about Maher all your life.I put my hand in front of Sam and saw a gleam of light in his eyes.He stepped forward and put the ring on my finger, and I suddenly realized that this time there was no dark sharp fear running through my body, nor did there appear any irreversible feeling that made me scream crazily.I wasn't scared at all, I just felt absolutely certain. After an unknown amount of time, we huddled under the quilt, and the sky outside the window was white. Sam said, "I have one more thing to ask you, but I don't know how to say it." You ask, I said: I accept everything.I waved my left hand, and the ring felt really good on my finger, and it was just the right size. No, said Sam: it's a very important thing. I feel like I can answer anything.I turned and lay on my stomach, my elbows on the mattress, so I could look him in the eye. Rob said: "You and Rob, I've seen you together, I've seen how close you are, and I've always felt like I never thought I'd have a chance. For that matter, I'm not ready yet. I don't know what's wrong with you, Sam said: I don't want to ask, I'm not qualified.It's just that I can probably feel what you guys experienced during Operation Vesta, and what happened afterwards.I'm not poking around, not at all, but remember, I'm right there. He looked up at me, his gray eyes intent and unblinking.I couldn't breathe, I couldn't say anything. It was the day I picked Rob up from the murder scene, the night we dodged headlights.I know him well enough to know that if he doesn't do this he'll break down and fall to pieces, but I don't know enough to know that he's going to break down anyway and we're just letting the pieces suck on me. I thought we handled it well, meaning no one got hurt.After that incident, I realized that I might be a lot more stupid than I thought.If you ask me what I have learned in the serious crime unit, I will say: it is not enough to be innocent. I'm not Lacey, and I'm not a machine, especially when I'm exhausted and stressed. By the time I realized what I had lost, I had been transferred to the domestic violence unit, and Rob had been transferred to sit at a desk somewhere, and the bridge between us burned to heartbreaking ashes.He is so far, so far away from me, even if I go to the other side of the sea, I won't be able to see him. I didn't tell anyone about it.I once took a boat to England before dawn on a rainy and snowy Saturday and returned to my darkened apartment at night.Of course, the plane is faster, but when I think about having to sit for an hour to and fro, elbowing strangers, I feel helpless.On the way back, the rain and snow fell even harder, making my bones tremble with cold.If anyone on deck would have thought I was crying, I didn't, not once. At that time, I could bear only Sam by my side, and everyone else was separated from me by a thick wall of frosted glass.They make noises, gestures, and winks at me, and I struggle to figure out what they want and give them the right response.Sam was the only one I could hear him talking to.His voice is beautiful, with a country accent, his tone is slow and calm, deep and rich like the earth.Only his voice pierced through the glass walls, only his voice felt solid. The following Monday, I made an after-get off work coffee appointment with Sam.He looked at me intently for a long time, and then said: You seem to have caught a cold, and the virus is rampant recently.Do you want me to take you home?He helped me cover the quilt, went to the store to buy food, and came back to help me stew meat.During that week, he cooked dinner for me every day and told lame jokes. I couldn't help laughing when I saw his face expecting me to laugh.Six weeks later, I was the one who kissed him first.When his two big hands touched my skin lightly, I felt the torn cells begin to heal.I never believed that Sam was as thick as he seemed, and I always believed it was more than that, but it never occurred to me (I said it, I was dumber than I thought) that he already knew, knew what was going on, But know better not to ask too much. I just want to know one thing, Sam said: Is it over for you?the whole thing.Is it that I don't want us to spend our lives thinking, if Rob comes to his senses and changes his mind, wants me to know that it's hard for you, and I try to give you space, I think that's what people say, to let you figure it out.But now, if we do get engaged, I need to know. The first rays of sunlight in the morning bloomed on Sam's face, his eyes were bright and his expression was solemn, like a tired apostle on the window.It's really over, Sam, it's over for good. I reached out to touch his shiny cheek, and it felt like it was on fire, but it didn't hurt at all.Very well, said Sam with a sigh.He held my head in one hand, pressed me against his chest, closed his eyes and said: Very good. I sleep until two o'clock in the afternoon.Sam got out of bed at some point, kissed me goodbye, and closed the door gently.No one called me to work, probably because they still didn't know which unit I belonged to, whether I was suspended or even fired.When I woke up, I wondered if I should call in sick, but I didn't know who to call.It should be Frank, but he's definitely not in the mood to talk right now.I decided to let someone else worry about it.I went out to Sante Mao, turned my head away from reading any newspaper headlines, bought food, almost ate everything when I got home, and then took a long walk to the beach. The sun is full and lazy in the afternoon, and the trails are full of old people.Facing the sunshine, the old couple cuddled up to each other, and the toddler, who had just learned to walk, was very happy, stumbling and running, like cute bumblebees.I recognize a lot of people, Sandi Mao is still a place like this, the residents know each other, nod and smile, and buy handmade perfume from the neighborhood kids, that's why I like living here.However, the sandimao in the evening was very strange and disturbing.I feel that I have been separated from this place for too long. It seems that all the storefronts by the sea have been changed, the houses have been repainted, and the familiar faces have matured, aged, and disappeared. At low tide, I took off my shoes, rolled up the legs of my jeans, and walked to the ankles in the water.A fragment from the previous day came back over and over in my mind.It was Xiaorui's voice, as gentle as snow but with murderous intent, saying to Justin: You bastard. In that split second, before everything got out of control, I could actually do something.I can say: Justin, you stabbed me?He would answer that the conversation would be recorded, and sooner or later either Frank or Sam would figure out a way to get Justin to confess again, this time in compliance with the deposition process. Why didn't I do it then?This may remain a mystery forever.Have mercy, I thought.Just a little, but too little too late.Or maybe (Frank must think so) I put too much emotion into it, even when it was over.Hawthorn Forest House and the five of them are still like pollen, staining my mind, and still making my mind flash with rebellious light. The few of us are fighting against the whole world together.But maybe (I so hope) because the truth is more complicated than I used to think, difficult to grasp, like a dazzling mirage, sometimes you can go straight, sometimes you have to go through many detours, and I have walked the closest the way. I went back to the apartment to find Frank sitting on the doorstep, one leg outstretched, teasing the neighbor's cat with a loose shoelace, whistling <leave her, Johnny, leave her>.He looked terrible, wrinkled, sloppy-eyed, with a mustache so long it should have been cut.As soon as he saw me, he pulled his legs back and stood up, scaring the cat into the bushes. Detective Casey, he said: You didn't show up for work today, what happened? I don't know whose subordinate I am now, I replied: maybe there is no one, and I overslept.I think I should be able to take a few days off, today is the first day. Frank sighed and said: Forget it, I will find a way, you can be my subordinate for another day, but from tomorrow onwards, you have to go home and fight the gang.He leaned over to let me open the door, really. Yeah, I said: Really. Frank followed me upstairs, and as soon as he was in the room he went over to the stove.There was still a half-pot of coffee on the stove, left over from a messy meal.That's it, he took a mug on the drain board and said: Detectives must be ready at all times.Do you want some? I've had a bunch of them and I say: enjoy yourself.I couldn't figure out why Frank came to see me, if he wanted me to give a briefing, he berated me and made up, or what.I hang up my jacket and remove the sheet from the mattress so they don't sit too close together.So, Frank put the mug in the microwave, pressed the button and said: You heard about the forest house? Sam told me. I felt Frank look back at me.With my back to him, I turned the folding mattress into a sofa.After a while, he hit the start button, and the microwave began humming.Well, he said: come and go, I think the house should be insured.Have you talked to the Politics Team? Of course, I said: They asked in great detail. Are they biting hard? I shrugged and said: It's almost as imagined, how about you? It was a long story, and Frank didn't say much.The microwave beeped, and he took the sugar bowl from the cabinet and scooped three spoonfuls into the glass.He never added sugar, apparently to keep himself sane.That shot was fine.I've heard the tape, three shots in total.前兩槍離妳滿遠，電腦人員會算出精確距離，第三槍就在麥克風旁，差點把我耳膜震破。我也和鑑識科的朋友談過，在他們搜查完現場之後。丹尼爾其中一槍的彈道正對著妳。所以很顯然，妳是在他朝妳開槍之後，才開槍自衛的。 我知道，我說。我將被單摺好，扔進衣櫥。我就在現場。 法蘭克靠著流理台，喝了一口咖啡，望著我說：別讓政風組佔妳便宜。 事情真是亂七八糟，法蘭克，我說：媒體鐵定巴住這個案子不放，上級非得找人當箭靶。 Why?開槍完全符合程序，林屋是伯恩管的，我們提醒他要留意，是他自己沒有貫徹執行。就算這些都不管用，我們還有一張王牌：案子破了。我們揪出兇手是誰，即使沒機會將他逮捕。只要妳不做傻事，其他傻事，我們都應該不會有事。 我坐在床墊上，找出香煙。我不曉得他這麼說是想安慰我，還是威脅，或許兩者都有一點。how about you?我小心翼翼問道：既然你和政風組說來話長 Frank raised an eyebrow.妳在關心我啊？so happy.要是真搞不定，我還有辦法。 對話錄音（我直接抗命，說我不想回局裡）閃過我們兩人心中，彷彿法蘭克直接將帶子扔在桌上。錄音沒辦法幫他解圍，卻可以拖我下水，將局面搞成一團爛泥，讓他趁隙脫身。我忽然明白一件事，法蘭克如果想將麻煩全賴給我，讓我永遠退出警界，他不僅做得到，甚至應該這麼做。 我望著他佈滿血絲的雙眼，發現他的目光裡帶著一絲促狹：他知道我在想什麼。還有辦法。I said. 我永遠都有辦法，不是嗎？法蘭克說，語氣忽然顯得疲憊而蒼老。聽著，政風組需要四處釘人，好讓自己顯得很重要，但這件案子，他們的目標不是妳，也不是妳的小山姆。他們會陪我玩上幾週，但我們幾個都會沒事的。 我火冒三丈，連自己都嚇了一跳。無論法蘭克是不是決定將我扔進狼群裡（我知道自己說什麼都動搖不了他），我都不會用沒事來形容眼前的局面。是啦！我說：聽你這樣說真放心。 那妳一張臉幹嘛拉得這麼長？讓我好像酒保在對馬兒說話一樣。 我差點沒用打火機扔他。天哪，法蘭克！我殺了丹尼爾。我住他家，坐他旁邊用他的桌子，吃他的飯菜，我沒說還吻了他。結果卻殺了他。因為我，他再也不用面對日後應該面對的一切。我到林屋是去揪出兇手的，枉費我全心全意花了那麼多年工夫磨練，這會兒卻我發覺自己聲音顫抖，便停了下來。 do you know過了半晌，法蘭克說：妳有個壞習慣，喜歡把身邊的人做的事情攬到自己身上，他拿著杯子走到沙發，雙腿大張攤坐著。丹尼爾不是白癡，他很清楚自己在做什麼。是他刻意把妳逼到死角，讓妳只能出手撂倒他。這不是謀殺，凱西，甚至不是自衛，是用警察的手自殺。 我知道，我說：我知道。 他明白自己走投無路，但又不想蹲苦窯，這我不怪他。妳能想像他和牢裡的小鬼頭交朋友嗎？所以他下了決定，然後去做。我必須承認一點，這小子很帶種，算我低估他了。 法蘭克，我說：你殺過人嗎？ 法蘭克伸手拿了我的煙盒，手點煙，望著火焰。昨天那一槍很好，他放下打火機對我說：妳開槍，心情很糟，幾週後感覺淡了，結束。 I didn't speak.法蘭克朝天花板長長吁了一口煙，說：聽著，妳破案了。要是有人必須死在槍下，我想也會是丹尼爾。那小鬼我一看就討厭。 我沒心情掩飾滿腔的怒氣，尤其對他。是啦，老法，我看出來了，所有和案子有關的人都看出來了。但你為什麼討厭他，你知道嗎？因為他和你一模一樣。 Oops!法蘭克緩緩說道，嘴角微微一揚，似乎覺得有趣，但一雙藍眼目不轉睛，森藍有如寒冰，我不曉得他是不是勃然大怒。我差點忘記妳唸過心理學了。 簡直是雙胞兄弟，法蘭克。 妳放屁！那小子錯了，凱西。還記得妳做側寫時說了什麼？嫌犯有犯罪經驗，還記得嗎？ 什麼，法蘭克。我本來縮著雙腿，這會兒卻發覺自己兩腳緊緊踩在地上。你查到丹尼爾做過什麼？ 法蘭克叼著煙搖搖頭，不置可否。我什麼都不用查。我用聞的就知道誰有問題，妳也一樣。事情是有界線的，凱西。妳和我，我們在線的這一邊。就算我們搞砸了，跨到線的另一邊，心裡還是有線存在，不讓我們迷失。丹尼爾沒有那條線。 法蘭克湊到咖啡桌前彈了彈煙灰。事情是有界線的，他說：別想忘掉這，點。我們沉默良久，窗外又開始暗了下來。我想到艾比、小瑞和賈思汀，不知道他們今晚會在何處過夜，奈勒是不是躺在山楂林屋的灰燼上，有如帝王享受摧毀一切的快感。我知道法蘭克會說什麼：這不是妳的問題，再也不是了。 我很好奇，之後，法蘭克語氣一變，開口說道：丹尼爾是哪時候拆穿妳的？因為他確實知道，妳曉得，他抬頭看我，雙眸藍光一閃。聽他講話的樣子，我敢說他鐵定知道妳身上有竊聽器，但困擾我的不是這個。要是蕾西活著，我們也會替她裝，但麥克風不足以讓他知道妳是警察。問題是昨天丹尼爾走進屋子裡，他很肯定妳身上有槍，也知道妳會用它，他靠回沙發，一手搜著椅背，吸了一口煙。妳知道自己怎麼會洩底嗎？ 我聲聲肩說：我猜是洋蔥。我知道你和我都覺得蒙混過去了，但丹尼爾顯然比我們棋高一著。 真不是蓋的，法蘭克說：妳確定就這樣，沒其他的？比方說，他不覺得妳的音樂品味有問題？ 法蘭克知道，他知道我放佛瑞的事。他不可能很有把握，但憑直覺猜到一定有鬼。我逼自己看著他，裝出困惑的表情，外加一絲絲懊悔，說：我想不出來。 陽光照著房間，輕煙裊裊。好吧，過了半晌，法蘭克說：哎，他們都說魔鬼藏在細節裡。洋蔥的事超過妳的能力範圍，換句話說，妳不可能不被拆穿，對吧？ 沒錯，我回答，這句話倒是很容易說出口。我已經盡力了，法蘭克。我已經竭盡所能演好蕾西了。 假設，只是假設，要是妳早個兩天發現丹尼爾識破妳的身分，妳有可能避免這樣的結局嗎？ impossible.我知道自己沒有說謊。早在幾年前，在法蘭克的辦公室，當我們品嚐焦味咖啡和巧克力餅乾，就注定會有這一天。當我將蕾西的生平往事收進制服口袋，走回公車站，這一天就已經在盡頭等著我們。我想結局就是這樣，不可能再好了。 法蘭克點點頭說：那妳的任務已了，就這樣，不用因為別人做了什麼而自責。 我懶得向法蘭克解釋，說我看出那千絲萬縷的關聯將所有人引到這樣的結局，讓一連串無心之舉釀成一樁罪行。我想起丹尼爾帶著難以形容的悲傷，彷彿烙在臉上的標記，對我說：蕾西從來不想行動會有什麼後果。我感覺自己和蕾西之間的差異切得更深，鑿得更寬。 這就是為什麼，法蘭克說：我會來找妳。關於這件案子，我還有一個疑問，而且有趣的是，我想妳可能知道答案，他從杯裡挑出什麼東西，抬頭看我。刺傷蕾西的人真的是丹尼爾嗎？還是他為了什麼狗屁理由，站出來替人頂罪？ 法蘭克張著清澈的藍色眼眸，隔桌望著我。你聽到的就是我聽到的，我說：他是唯一說了什麼的人，其他三個連名字都沒提。難道他們說不是他？ 他們什麼屁也沒說。我們今天操了他們一整天，加上昨晚，結果除了我想喝水之外，什麼也沒問出來。賈思汀動不動就哭；小瑞聽到過去一個月家裡養了個內賊，就開始摔椅子，害我們只好幫他上手銬，讓他鎮定下來。總之，和他們溝通差不多就是這樣，三人都像戰俘一樣，媽的。 那時，丹尼爾食指按著嘴唇，目光專注地看了他們三個一眼，讓我百思不解。就算處在生命的最盡頭，他也有計畫。而其他三人不管出於對他的信任、習慣或只是沒有別的東西可以依靠，在丹尼爾死後依然照著他的計畫行事。 我之所以會問，法蘭克說：是因為說詞有矛盾。大致上吻合，但就是有點不對。丹尼爾跟妳說，他當時手上正好有刀，因為他正在洗碗，但在對話錄音裡，賈思汀和小瑞都說丹尼爾當時用雙手和蕾西糾纏，在她被刺之前。 說不定他們搞錯了，我說：事發突然，而且你也知道目擊證詞的效力。又或者丹尼爾想要大事化小，故意說他碰巧拿到刀子，其實是蓄意攻擊蕾西。我們可能永遠查不出事實真相。 法蘭克吸了一口煙，看著煙頭燃燒。就我看來，他說：當時在洗碗，而且從字條出現到蕾西被刺之間，沒有做其他事的人只有一個。 蕾西是丹尼爾殺的。I said.說話當時，我不覺得這是謊言，現在也一樣。我很肯定，法蘭克，他說的是實話。 法蘭克凝視我的臉龐，打量了很久，接著說：好吧，他嘆口氣說：妳說了算。我不認為他是衝動型的人，完全沒有計畫，缺乏組織。但誰知道？也許我和他不像妳想的那麼相像。我一開始就認為兇手另有其人，但要是大家都希望是丹尼爾他腦袋微微後仰，代替聳肩。 I can't help it either. 法蘭克將煙捻熄，站起身來。拿去，他從外套口袋摸出一樣東西說：我想妳可能會想要留著。 他揚手一扔，東西在陽光下閃閃發亮，我本能地一手接住，是臥底用來記錄竊聽內容的迷你錄音帶。 那裡面是妳的砸鍋紀錄。但我那天和妳講電話的時候，好像不小心踩到線路，造成訊號中斷，存檔用的錄音帶空白了大約十五分鐘，我才發覺問題所在，把線路接好。技術組的嫌我破壞他們心愛的器材，說要把我五馬分屍、開膛剖腹，但他們得先排隊才行。 不是法蘭克的作風，我前一晚才對山姆說過。把麻煩丟給我，這不是他的作風。在這件案子之前，從最開始，當法蘭克捏造出蕾西這個身分，她就是他的責任，就算她死了，也還是他的責任。他這麼做，不是因為出了這麼大的亂子覺得愧疚，完全不是。只要政風組一放過他，他可能再也不會想起這件事。然而，有些人就是會照顧自己的人，無論發生什麼。 沒有拷貝，法蘭克說：妳不會有事的。 我剛才說你很像丹尼爾，我說：那不是在侮辱你。 我察覺法蘭克眼中閃過一絲複雜的神情。過了半晌，他點點頭說：很好。 法蘭克，謝了，我將錄音帶握在手中，對他說：謝謝你。 哇喔，法蘭克忽然喊了一聲，伸手越過桌子抓住我的手腕。What is this? 戒指。我完全忘了，腦袋還在適應這件事。我看到法蘭克臉上的神情，忍住不笑出來。我從來沒看他真的吃驚過。我覺得還滿合適的，我說：你說呢？ 是新的嗎？還是我之前沒注意？ 非常新，我說：沒錯。 又是那不懷好意的慵懶微笑，舌頭從裡面輕頂著臉頰。感覺他突然徹底醒了過來，活力充沛，準備大幹一場。嘖，還真是他媽的沒想到啊！他說：我不曉得你們兩人哪一個比較讓我意外。但我必須老實說，我要向妳的小山姆脫帽致敬。替我轉達，說我祝他好運，好嗎？ 說完，他笑了出來。天老爺啊！他說：這一天真是太精采了。凱西要結婚了！God!替我祝那個傢伙好運！接著便快步下樓，一路哈哈大笑。 我在床墊上坐了很久，雙手不停翻著錄音帶，努力回想裡頭還有什麼。除了我豁出去頂撞法蘭克，拿工作當賭注，我那天還做了哪些事。宿醉、咖啡、血腥瑪麗、我們幾個互相攻擊、丹尼爾的聲音飄浮在蕾西幽暗的房裡：妳是誰？還有佛瑞。 我想，法蘭克應該覺得我會銷毀它，將磁帶抽出來，扔進家用碎紙機裡。我家沒有這種東西，但我敢說法蘭克一定有。然而，我卻爬上廚房的流理台，從櫃子裡拿出鞋盒做的個人資料箱，將帶子放了進去。裡頭有我的護照、出生證明、病歷卡和信用卡帳單。有一天，我會聽這捲帶子。