Chapter 2 part two

Do you want me to make a formal transcript? Later, he said.Right now I just want to talk first. I couldn't make out his features at first, he was just a silhouette by the window of my hospital room.My eyes are very sensitive to bright light, and I had to look away. When he was close to the bed, I could see his facial features, his short brown hair, and black eyes clearly.He is Jack.Inspector Cross.He's the one person I can give my entire fortune to right now.But first I must explain the matter to him in detail.It's a long story. I've already talked to one person.A policewoman.Jackson.

It's Jackman.I know.But I want to hear it with my own ears.what's the first thing you remember That's how I started telling the story.He asked a question and I tried to answer it. After more than an hour, after I answered one of his questions, he fell silent, and I had already said all I could say.He was silent for several minutes.He didn't smile at me or even look me in the eye.I saw the look on his face change rapidly.Doubt, discouragement, deep thought.He rubbed his eyes. Two more things, he said finally.your memory.What's the last thing you can recall?at work?at home?

sorry.It was a blur.I spent days thinking and thinking about it.I remember going to work, and I also remembered something about my residence.I'm not sure when it's the last moment. So you can't remember how you met this man. can't remember. He took out a small notebook and a pen from the side pocket of his jacket. And those other people's names. Kelly, Kath, Fran, Jiaer, Lorraine. He wrote down the names I said. Do you remember anything about them?Surname?Where did he find them?Or did something to them? I've told you all I know. He sighed, closed his notebook and stood up.Wait a moment.He said, and left.

I'm used to the pace of hospital life, everything is slow and there are long gaps in between, so I was surprised when the officer returned within five minutes with an elderly man in a clean striped suit.A white handkerchief peeped from his breast pocket.He seemed to be impatiently picking up the splint at the end of my bed.He didn't ask me how I was feeling.But he looked at me like I was something that tripped him up. This is Richard.Dr. Burns, said Inspector Cross.He is your primary physician.We're going to move you to another ward.You will have your own room.There is TV. Dr. Burns put the splint back on.He takes off his glasses.

Miss Deborah, he said.We will be busy with you. The cold wind hit my face like someone was slapping me.I took a deep breath, and the breath curled up into the air.My eyes sting from the blinding cold light. It's all right, Jack.Cross said.It doesn't matter if you want to get back to the car. I like this.I threw my head back and took a deep breath.The sky was blue and cloudless, and the sun was like a clean disc without any heat.The filthy old fellow in London doesn't look too bad. We are located on a street with townhouses.Most of the houses are boarded up, and some have metal bars on the doors and windows.The small garden in the front yard is overgrown with dense nettles, thorny vines, and weeds.

This is it, right? Number forty-two, Cross said, pointing across the street.That's where you popped out of nowhere and took Tony.Russell was terrified.You should at least remember this, right? A little dazed, I said.I was terrified out of my wits.I thought he was right behind me.I ran around as much as I could to get away from him. I looked over at the house across the street, which looked like any other abandoned vacant house on the street.Cross stooped back into the car and took out a hooded parka.I was dressed in the clothes of several people all over my body, all of which were taken care of by the hospital, and I put them together into a strange four-figure.I try not to think about the women who have worn these clothes.Koros looked kindly and relaxed.It was as if we had just finished visiting a tavern.

I wish we could retrace your steps, he said.Where did you come from? That's easy.I pointed to the end of the street, further out from where we had just come. Very reasonable.He said.Well, let's go over there. We walked down the street. The man I called for help, I said.The one who lived at number forty-two. Russell, Cross said.Tony.Russell. Did he see that man? He wasn't much of a witness, Cross said.Tony.Mr Russell.Anyway, he slammed the door shut and called the police. I had expected more townhouses at the end of the street, but instead we were faced with a sprawling, almost completely deserted corner of a housing estate, with broken windows and boarded-up doors.There are two arched entrances not far ahead, and there are several more ahead.

What is this place?I said. Browning community.Cross said. Does anyone live here? All relocated.It has been twenty years since the relocation. Why? Because this place is a dump. I must be imprisoned here. Do you remember? I know I'm coming from this direction.I looked back and forth anxiously.I ran under one of these arches once.I must have been in that neighborhood. Do you think so? I think so. Do you remember which arch you passed through? I walked across the street, looking around until my eyes were sore. They all look alike.It was very dark, and I was running for my life again.so sorry.My eyes were covered by a hood for days and I was almost hallucinating.I was in that situation.

Cross took a deep breath.He was clearly disappointed. Maybe we can narrow down what's possible. We walked back and forth on the street and also walked into the courtyard through the arch.messy.I could see what the architect had in mind when he designed the place.It should have been like an Italian-style village, with squares and open spaces for people to sit or walk and chat.There are many small walks to walk through or around the square, but they are not very effective.Cross told me that the little trails had become a hotbed for sneakers, where they could shoot, rob, and get away.He told me that a body had been found in a rolling mill somewhere.

I feel more and more uncomfortable.The spaces, the arcades, the townhouses looked much the same, and in daylight they looked nothing like anything I'd ever seen.Cross was very patient with me.He just waited, his hands in his pockets, his breath rising upwards.He started asking me the time instead of directions.Do I remember running from that building to Tony.How long did the Russell house take in total?I tried to remember, but couldn't figure it out.He keeps trying.five minutes?I have no idea.longer?Shorter?I have no idea.I ran all the way here?Yes of course.Run as fast as you can?Yes, I thought maybe the guy was right behind me, and I ran so hard that my feet hurt.So how far can I run as fast as I can?I have no idea.How many minutes?I can't tell.That's not normal.I was running for my life.

The sky seemed to be getting colder and grayer by degrees. I can't be of much help, can I?I said. Cross seemed absent-minded and deaf.What?He said. I would have liked to behave better. Take it easy. Jack.Cross was silent on the short walk back to the hospital.He stared out the window.He whispered a few homely words to the driver. Are you going to search that neighborhood?I asked. I don't know where to start, he said.There are thousands of abandoned houses over there. I'm underground, I think.Or in the basement.Or at least on the first floor. Miss Deborah, the Browning community is about a quarter of a square mile, maybe more.I am understaffed. He walked me back to my new private room.That would be nice, my own room.He stopped at the door. I'm so sorry, I said.I thought things would get better. Don't worry, he said with a calm smile, and quickly restrained his smile.We depend on you.All we have is you.if anything else There were other women, Kelly, Kath, Fran, Jay, Lorraine.Can you track them down? Jack.Cross looked suddenly tired of it all. I have sent someone to deal with it.But I must say, it's not as simple as you think. What's the meaning? How do you think I'm going to track down those names?We don't even have rough surnames, places, dates.We have nothing.All we have is a bunch of commonplace names. what are you going to do then He shrugged. A nurse came into my room pushing a phone and handing me a handful of change.I'll put in a twentypence when she's out. mom? Abigail, is that you? yes. Everything okay? mom i want to tell you I went through the saddest moment. Mom, I have to talk to you. I have something to tell you. Just my stomach ache.Haven't been able to sleep well. I was silent for a moment and took a deep breath.What a pity, I said.Have you gone to see a doctor? I go to the doctor all the time.He gave me some pills, but he didn't take it seriously.I can't sleep well. Really bad.My hand grips the phone.Can you come to London? London? Yes. Not currently.Abigail.Not in my current situation.I can't go anywhere. Less than an hour by train. Your father is not in good health either. What's wrong? Old problem.No, why don't you just come and see us?It's been a long time. OK But let us know first. OK I have to hang up, she said.I am making a cake. OKIt doesn't matter. Call more. OK Goodbye then. goodbye, i say.goodbye, mom. A large machine pushes through the door and wakes me up.It was a huge floor-cleaning machine with a high-speed rotating device and a nozzle that sprayed cleaning fluid.A bucket and a rag are obviously more appropriate in my small room than this machine.It couldn't handle corners or get under beds, and it didn't do much for tables, so the guy behind the machine had to push it a few steps forward where there was a gap.Another person came in behind him.The man did not look like a cleaner or a medical worker, as he was wearing black shoes, baggy tan trousers, a dark blue jacket that looked like it was cut from burlap sacks, and a checked shirt with an open collar.He has wire-like gray hair and a stack of files under his arm.He tried to speak.I could see his mouth moving.But the noise of the floor-cleaning machine was deafening, and he could only stand awkwardly against the wall until the machine passed him and headed toward the other wards.He looked at the machine with disapproval. Someday someone will examine this machine and find that it is too big and useless.He said. Who are you?I said. Mulligan.He said.Charles.Mulligan.I'm here to talk to you. I get out of bed. do you have any documents What? I walked past him and yelled at a passing nurse.She seemed indifferent, but she could also see that I wasn't going to let it go.I said a stranger had come into my room.After a brief argument she took him to the phone.I go back to bed again.A few minutes later my door opened again, and the man was ushered in by a nurse who seemed more senior.This person has been given permission to see you, she said.He will talk to you. She looked suspiciously at Charles.Muligan glanced at it and left.He pulled a pair of horn-rimmed glasses from his coat pocket and put them on. That would be a smart move, he said.It's boring, but it should be a smart move.I was halfway through to tell you, Dick.Burns called me and asked me to talk to you. Are you a doctor? He put the file on the table and pulled a chair over to the bed.can i sit down Can. I am a physician.I mean, I'm qualified as a physician, but I spend very little time in the hospital. Are you a psychiatrist?Or a psychiatrist? He let out a nervous, staccato laugh. No, no, no, I'm actually a neurologist, sort of.I study the mind as if it were something.I work on my computer, cut the brains of a mouse, stuff like that.Of course, I also find people to talk to.when necessary. I'm sorry, I said.But what are you doing here? I just said it.Dick called me.Very fascinating case.A look of alertness suddenly flashed across his face.I know that's tragic too.I am deeply sorry.But Dick asked if I could come and see you.May I? do what? He rubbed his face with his hands, and his sympathy seemed a little too exaggerated.Dick tell me what you've been through.Terrible.I'm sure someone will come and talk to you about that, that trauma, that sort of thing.His voice became weaker and weaker, and his expression seemed to be lost in thought.Then he ran his fingers through his curly hair.It didn't work, the hair was still fluffy and messy.Well, Abigail, may I call you that?I nod.Just call me Charlie.I want to talk to you about your amnesia.Do you want to talk?I nod again.good.He smiled lightly.He has entered into his real subject, and his speech and expression are more determined.I like this.Well, this is one of the rare times I act like a real doctor, but I want to see your head.May I?Nod again.I read your medical records.Lots of bruises all over the body, but no specific mention of headaches, or headaches or anything like that.Is it right? My first memory, is from after I lost it, if you know what I mean.I woke up with a severe headache. good.Do you mind if I take some notes?He took a dirty little notebook out of his pocket and began to write.Then he laid it on the bed and leaned forward.They will later put you in a machine for brain tests.But it's a different kind of check.Do you mind?As he spoke, he leaned forward and stroked my face and head very gently.I love being touched on the head.That's my quirk.The main reason I like to get my hair cut is to have my hair washed by a stranger and rub my scalp with his fingers.Terry, too, sometimes we'll share the tub and he'll wash my hair.This should be the case when there is an intimate relationship, starting from such small things.Charles.Mulligan muttered something under his breath as he patted my head with his fingers.I let out a little cry when he touched the top of my right ear.Will it hurt? It just hurts to touch.He examined it more closely.Any questions? It's swollen and bruised but I don't see anything special about it.He leans back.alright.That'll be fine.He reached for a file and rummaged for a moment before finding it.Now I want to ask you some questions.It might sound a bit boring, but bear with me.It will take a while.Do you want to do it?If you need a break, I can come back later, or tomorrow.I know you've been tired all day. I shake my head.I just want to do my best as soon as possible. Very good.He opened a beautifully printed booklet.are you ready? Yes. What's your name? This is part of the test? That could be considered a philosophical question.Would you like to forgive me a lot? Abigail.Elizabeth.Deborah. your birthday? August 21, 1976. What is the prime minister's name? Are you serious?I'm not that serious. I'm testing all kinds of memory.It will become more and more difficult. So I told him what the prime minister's name was.I told him what day it was and that we were at St Anthony's.I count down from twenty.I count forward in multiples of three.I start counting from one hundred by subtracting seven each time.I am quite proud.Then it started getting harder.He took a picture of different shapes and showed me.He babbled with me for a moment, then showed me another picture with various shapes.I have to remember which shapes are present in both images.He looked a little embarrassed as he read to me a story about a boy who brought a pig to the market.I had to retell the story to him.He showed me pairs of stars and triangles with various colors, and word pairs.He showed me four sets of patterns of increasingly complex shapes.The fourth group looked like high-voltage electricity towers that had been smashed beyond recognition.I feel dizzy just looking at the pattern, let alone trying to draw it from memory. It gave me a terrible headache, I said as I tried to remember. Are you okay?He expressed concern. That made me dizzy. I understand, he said.I myself get stuck when counting backwards.Don't worry, there are only one or two questions left. He began to chant a series of numbers.Three and four digits are a breeze.He can only do eight figures, so I can barely handle it.Then I have to retell it backwards and that really gives me a headache.Then he took out a colorful square pattern.He lit the patterns in a special order and asked me to repeat them in order.Also only do a group of eight, and then do it in reverse. Hold.I cursed as he put the paper away. yes, he said.stop here.You're done. So, have I passed?Is my mind damaged? He smiled.I have no idea.I haven't tested it before the onset.Sorry if that sounded vague, I was referring to the period before the amnesia started.But I don't believe that would be better than this test result.You have an excellent memory, especially spatial memory.I wish I could exchange memories with you. I couldn't help but blush.oh thank you um charlie but He looked solemn for a moment, then studied me carefully.What do you think?He said. I feel good.I mean, I don't feel good about it.I have nightmares and things keep running in my head, but I can think clearly.It's just that there seems to be a gap in my memory.I kept trying to remember, but it was like staring into darkness. He began to collect the papers and place them back in the file. Just look at Junction, he said.Take, for example, your image of total darkness.You can say that one area is completely black and another area is completely light.You can try to focus on where the two areas meet. That's what I did, Charlie.Oh man, I've already done that.The aftermath was perfectly fine.I woke up in that place.I don't know how I got there, and I don't remember being taken away.Before that is another matter.I can't remember the last thing I did or anything like that.There is no split point.I only have vague memories of going to work, as if I slowly walked into the darkness without knowing it. I understand.Charlie spoke and wrote some more notes.He made me nervous as he took notes. But isn't that ridiculous?The only thing I had to remember, just disappeared out of thin air.I don't want to know who the prime minister is.I want to remember how I was taken, what he looked like.I was wondering if I was suppressing it because it was so upsetting to me? He put the pen cap on.He almost seemed to be trying to hide a faint smile in his answer.You are probably thinking that I can dangle the watch in front of your face and all the memories will come? It would be useful if so. perhaps.He said.However, I am sure that your memory loss has nothing to do with any post-traumatic stress, nor any psychological symptoms. When I talked to Cross, I mean the police, it was ridiculous. It's unfortunate and frustrating, he said.Not ridiculous though.Post-traumatic amnesia following a head injury like yours is not uncommon.This symptom often occurs after a car accident.These people were hit on the head in a crash and woke up with no memory of the crash, though often with no memory of the date or time it happened. I touch my head lightly and it feels suddenly so fragile. After the trauma, I said, I thought you said it had nothing to do with the psychology. Is nothing to do, he said.By psychological amnesia I mean amnesia caused by psychological factors rather than head injury which is much rarer in cases like yours.And what should I say?Even more puzzling. What's the meaning? He gave a dry cough.I'm not a psychologist, so maybe this is my bias.However, a disproportionately large proportion of murderers, for example, said they had no recollection of the crime, and these individuals had no physical trauma.There may be various explanations: they are usually drunk, which may cause temporary amnesia.Committing a murder must have been extremely stressful, more stressful than doing anything, and that might have affected memory, too.A skeptic might say that the murderer will inevitably want to argue that he has no memory of what happened. However, being kidnapped and threatened to be killed must make people extremely tense.Would that give me amnesia based on psychological factors? Not in my opinion, but if I testify and you're a lawyer, you can make me admit it's possible.I worry that other people will be asking you these kinds of questions over and over again like a guinea pig in a lab. He stood up, barely holding the file under his arm.Abigail.He said. Abby. Abby.Your case is fascinating.I think I can't help but want to do it again. It's okay, I said.I seem to have a lot of free time.But I have a question: is it possible for me to restore the memory? He paused for a moment, with a strange expression on his face, presumably thinking.Yes, it is possible. Am I being hypnotized? He suddenly looked shocked, and then rummaged in his pockets. He seemed to be in a hurry with a pile of files under his arm.He pulled out a business card and handed it to me.There are many numbers on it.If anyone comes here, shakes something in front of your eyes, or talks to you in a very slow tone, call me immediately. After he finished speaking, he turned and left, and I lay on the bed with a sore and fragile head.There's a black hole in my head. Have you talked to your boyfriend yet? I could only respond vaguely.I was not yet fully awake, and Inspector Cross leaned over to me in concern. Shall I call someone over here?he asks. Need not.Also, no, I haven't talked to my boyfriend. We're having a bit of trouble finding him at the moment. Me too.I said.I've left three messages on the answering machine.It should be related to his work. He travels a lot? He's an artificial intelligence consultant, God knows what that means.He often flies to Belgium or Australia or other places for special projects. No, can't you remember when was the last time you saw him? can't remember. Do you want to talk to your parents? don't want!No, please. There was a silence.I behaved really badly.I tried to give Koros some clues.Would it be helpful for you to visit our place?I'll be back in a day or two, I guess, but maybe there's something going on there.Maybe that's where I was taken, maybe I left a note. Koros remained expressionless.Do you have a key for me? As you know, I have nothing but the suit I wore when I escaped.But in our front yard, on the left side of the front door, there are two seemingly ordinary stone objects, which are actually mysterious gadgets we bought by mail, one of which is hollow, and there is a spare key in it, you can take to use. Do you have any allergies, Miss Deborah? should not.I once ate shellfish and got hives. Do you have epilepsy? No. Are you pregnant? I shook my head, so hard that my head hurt a little. That doesn't mean anything in particular, we're just required to tell you that there are side effects from having a tomography scan, but the chances are extremely low, very small.Would you like to sign this form?Sign here and here. The tone of the nurse suddenly sounded like that of a stewardess.I was reminded of the demonstration of wearing a lifejacket in the highly unlikely event of a forced landing in the water. I don't even know what a tomography is.I'm talking and signing. Don't worry, the technician will explain it to you in detail later. I was ushered into a spacious room that was eerily lit.I see a high tech cart where I'll have to lie down later, it's padded and recessed in the middle, and there's a white tunnel in the back that leads to the heart of the machine .The machine looked like a toilet lying on its side. Miss Deborah, my name is Jane.Stuck and stopped.Do you want to sit down?A tall, thin woman in a burqa gestured toward a chair.Do you know what a tomography is? I often hear this term, and I say it carefully. We want you to be prepared.Is there anything you feel uncertain about? To be honest, everything is not sure. It was really just X-rays enhanced by a computer in another room.Think of your own body as a giant loaf of toast. A piece of toast? Yes.A tomography scan looks at a specific area of ​​your body in slices and then combines those slices into a three-dimensional image. Oh, you mean a slice of toast? Just as an example. I thought the scan was to test for cancer. That's right.A scan is just one way to look inside your body.That's standard procedure for people with injuries, severe headaches, traumatized minds and bodies. how should I do? We'll lift you up to a table and push you into what looks like a white donut machine.You'll hear a hum, and maybe see the track spin around.It doesn't last long, you just need to lie still. I had to wear my hospital gown again.I lay on that table and stared at the ceiling. It will feel a little cold. She applied a gel substance to my temples and to my freshly washed hair.She put a hard metal helmet over my head. I'm going to tighten up those levers.Maybe a little uncomfortable.She tied belts around my shoulders, arms and stomach and pulled them tight.The table is about to start moving. table?I said weakly, and at the same time, the person slowly slid away from her and entered the passage.I was lying in a metal cubicle, and yes, there was a hum.I swallowed hard.It's not very dark in here, and I can see some lines moving above.Outside, a few feet away, was a brightly lit room with a capable woman inside, making sure everything was working.Beyond that was another room with a computer displaying images of my brain on the screen.Upstairs were wards, patients, nurses, physicians, cleaning staff, handymen, visitors, people with splints and carts.Outside, a gust of wind came in, and it might be snowing.And here I am, lying in a humming metal pipe. I think some people, after what happened to me, might find it hard to bear being chained like this.I close my eyes and I can weave my own vision.I can remember seeing the blue sky this morning, the endless blue, the brilliance.I can imagine snow falling slowly from a dark, low-hanging sky on houses, cars, bare trees.But the hum seemed to change in the dark, and it sounded more like asthma.And I can hear footsteps.There were footsteps coming towards me.Footsteps in the dark.I opened my mouth to yell, but couldn't speak or make a sound, just whimpered like I was being choked up. what happened?I tried to speak again, but something seemed to stop my mouth.I couldn't breathe well, I couldn't get air out of my mouth; I gasped and it didn't help.I'd suffocate in it.My chest hurts.I couldn't inhale smoothly, only in fits and starts, to no avail.The footsteps came closer.I was trapped and drowning.Drowning in air.There was a loud rumbling in my head, I opened my eyes, it was still dark, I closed them, and there was a blush behind my eyes.My eyes burned in their sockets.Then that rumble burst open, like my head had popped open, letting all the fear pour out. I finally screamed out.That metal tube was filled with my howls.My eardrums were thumping and my throat was hoarse from shouting involuntarily.I'm trying to turn screams into words.I tried to say help or please, but all the voices were fragmented and tangled together.Everything was shaking, and then there were bright lights in my eyes, and hands on me.Some hands held me down and refused to let me go.I screamed again, I wailed, I screamed.I can't see anything in the bright light, everything stings.Everything around me was weighing on me.There are new voices, voices from nowhere, someone calling my name.There were eyes watching me from blinding glare; watching me, I had nowhere to hide because I couldn't move.Fingers touch me.Cold metal against my skin.on my arm.I don't know what the wet thing is.I don't know what sharp thing it is.I don't know what got into my skin. Then everything fell silent, as if the glare that hurt my eyes and the horrible sound had faded away.Everything fades away, gray and distant, like night falls when you just wish it was day.I just hope the snow falls. When I woke up, I didn't know if it was the next morning or if it was a few days later.The whole world is black and white, but I know that's not the real world.that's me.I feel like I have a gray filter on my eyes that overshadows everything.My tongue feels dry and limp.I feel irritable and irritable.I'm going to scratch myself or scratch someone else.I want to get up and do something, but I don't know what to do.Breakfast tasted like cardboard and cotton wool.Any sound makes me tremble with fear. I lay in bed feeling down, and I made a plan, which involved getting up and finding someone, anyone, someone in charge, telling them I had to go back, and then going to Inspector Cross and telling him to hurry up.Just as I was thinking wildly, a woman walked in, not wearing a nurse's uniform or a white coat.She seems to be in her fifties, with red hair, pale skin covered with freckles, wearing rimless glasses, a honey-colored sweater, and frayed gray trousers.She smiled sweetly at me. I'm Dr. Beddoes.She said, followed by a moment of silence.Erin.Beddos.Irene sounds like it rhymes with Rain and Clean, not Enemy.I came to visit you yesterday afternoon.Do you remember our conversation? can't remember. You sleep and wake up.I'm not sure how much you listened to. I've slept through and still feel sleepy.Tired and gloomy. A neurologist came to see me once, I said.He tested my memory.I was pushed into a machine.I once received a trauma examination and the injury was wrapped up.What are you doing here? Her caring smile only subsided a little.We thought you might want to talk to someone. I talked to the police. I know. Are you a psychiatrist? That's part of who I am.She compares chairs. do you mind if i sit down No, of course not. She pulled the chair over and sat on the edge of the bed.She smells good; a delicate fragrance.I think of spring flowers. Me and Jack.Cross talked about it, she said.He told me what happened to you.You have been through a horrible ordeal. I'm glad I escaped.I said.I don't want you to see me as a victim or anything.I think I'm okay, you know.There were days when it seemed to be dead.It may sound stupid, but it's true.I'm in mid-air, I'm breathing and I'm eating, but I know I'm dead.I don't exist in someone else's world.What do you call this kind of place?The world of all living beings.It's where people worry about money, sex, paying bills, etc.I got away with it, I survived, and I think every day is one that I can't even imagine living. Yes.Dr. Beddoes spoke, but still seemed concerned about me. Another point is that I am not sick.I know I have been beaten.I knew my memory was wrong because I was hit hard on the head.But generally I think it's fine.Maybe a little illusory.But that's not how I imagined it should be. What should be the case? get free.I'm lying on this hospital bed in an old itchy nightgown that's not my clothes, and someone comes in with a cart of unpalatable food, and someone comes in and sits on the edge of my bed, full of it. The faces looked at me anxiously, and spoke to me in soft tones, as if they were trying to dissuade me from jumping out of a window and committing suicide.All I really want to do is go back to my place, to go back to my life.Meet up with friends.Going to pubs, coffee shops, shopping in my own clothes, dancing, lying in bed on Sunday mornings when the sun is high, eating as much as you want, walking by the river after dark and he's still out there, in a world I want to be in.In case you're wondering, the real cloud that haunts me is the idea that he's still haunting the streets. There was a silence, and I was a little embarrassed by my sudden emotional outburst.But she didn't seem overwhelmed by it. Where you live, she said.where? It's not really mine either, I said.Actually it belonged to the person I live with.telly. Is he coming to visit you? He was on a business trip.I tried to call him, but he was on a business trip somewhere and he travels a lot. Have you ever met anyone?family or friends? No.I just want to get out of here and call them again.She looked at me, and I felt the need to explain further.I don't want to reveal what happened to me just yet.I admit.I don't know where to start.I don't know how to describe it because it's not over yet.I'm not going to start talking until the end of the matter, if you know what I mean. You want him to be arrested first? Yes. But maybe, in the meantime, you can talk to me. Perhaps, I say cautiously.But what I really want to do I know the only thing I need is to get out of here.The hospital seemed like a halfway house between prison and freedom.I am suspended in mid-air here. Dr. Beddoes looked at me for a moment.You've had a horrible experience, Abby.During your hospital stay you were handled by about five different specialists, not counting the police.It takes a lot of effort and coordination to allow all departments to communicate smoothly.But as far as I understand, there is a consensus that you should stay here for at least another day or two.First, I know that the neurologist wants to observe you further, just in case.The police were clearly concerned too.The person you met must be a ruthless person, and they want you to be in a safer environment until they make a decision. Do they think I'm in danger? I can't speak for them, but I guess that's hard to assess.That's one of the problems too.What I'm trying to say is that I'm going to spend the next day or two talking to you.當然這要由妳自己決定，不過我想我可以對妳有所幫助。不僅如此，或許我們聊過之後可以發現許多對警方辦案有所助益的細節，不過那只是附帶的效益。妳談到想要回歸正常的生活。隨後突然靜默了良久，令我不知所措。我在想要如何說明此事。妳或許會發現，想要回歸妳原來的生活沒妳想像的那麼容易。妳或許會因經歷此事而有所轉變。 妳認為我會因此受到汙染？ 汙染？她一時間看起來像是在聞嗅空氣汙染，或試著想要嗅出汙染源。No.不過妳原本有正常的生活，然後突然陷入一場極端恐怖的情境中。如今妳已無法回歸正常了。妳必須決定要如何因應已發生的這件事。我們都必須從我們的遭遇設法調適。我想如果我們能夠聊聊，我可以協助妳做到這一點。 我將眼光從她身上挪開，也再度看到灰濛濛的世界。當我開口時，與其說是在和她交談，不如說是我在自言自語。我不知道要如何包容一個想綁架我並想殺害我的人，這是第一點。第二點則是，我的生活在發生此事之前也不是萬事如意。不過我會努力試試看。 我們再見個面聊一聊，她說。妳也不必躺在長椅上。我們可以在較舒服的環境下進行，如果妳願意的話。 That's great. 我甚至可以找到供應美味咖啡的地點。 那就更具療效了。 她嫣然一笑，起身與我握手後離去。貝多絲醫師剛來時，我曾想要轉過身背對她，並將眼睛閉上。如今她離開了，我赫然發覺我已經開始想念她了。 莎蒂？ 艾比！她的聲音溫暖而清晰，我頓覺渾身輕鬆。妳在哪裡打電話？she says.妳還在放假嗎？ Have a holiday?不是、不是，我在醫院，莎蒂。 God!What's wrong? 妳能不能來看我？我在電話中不方便談。 我要怎麼知道他沒有強暴過我？ Jack.柯羅斯坐在我床邊的椅子上，有一下沒一下地撥弄他緊繃的領結。他對這個問題點點頭，然後說：我們無法確定，不過沒有這種跡象。 How do you know? 當妳送醫時，妳曾，呃，接受檢查，各種檢查。 Then what? 沒有受到性侵害的跡象。 總算有點具體的結論，我不知何故，覺得一片茫然。那麼還發生了什麼事？ 我們正在推敲事情的來龍去脈。he said cautiously. but 我們很想約談的一個對象，就是妳的男朋友，泰倫斯．韋摩。 Then what? 妳會怎麼描述妳和他的關係？ 我幹嘛談這種事？泰利跟此事有什麼關係？ 我說過了，我們正在推敲事情的來龍去脈。 好吧，我們相處融洽，我有所防備地回答。當然，也會有些吵吵和和的。 吵些什麼？ 不是泰利，如果你有這種想法的話。 What? 不是他做的。我知道那個人刻意掩飾他的聲音，我也沒有看見他，不過不是泰利。我聞得出泰利的味道。我對他瞭若指掌。他不久就會出差回來，然後你就可以和他談談。 他沒有出國。 oh?我這才望向他。How can you say that? 他的護照仍在住處。 Right?那麼，他想必仍在大英國協境內。 That's right.在某處。 我站在鏡子前，看到的是個陌生人。我已不再是原來的我了。我已變成另一個人。一個瘦小的女子，頭髮糾結成一團，滿臉瘀青，皮膚蒼白，瘦骨嶙峋，眼神呆滯驚惶。我看起來像個行屍走肉。 我與貝多絲醫師在醫院的庭院中會晤，雖然天氣很冷，我仍渴望能到外頭透透氣。護士替我找來一件寬大的草莓色粉紅襯墊外套。這座庭院的規畫顯然是為了安撫精神病患。樹蔭過於濃密不適合長草，不過有若干植物及巨大的墨綠色蕨類。庭院正中央是一座水簾景觀，一口大型銅甕注滿水且不斷溢流出來。我獨處了幾分鐘，信步走過去看個仔細。那看起來像是處理廢水的機器，不過我注意到底部周圍有個開口，我猜想水流出後應會再吸回去，永無止盡地周而復始。 Erin.貝多絲為我們各端來了一杯咖啡及用玻璃紙包裝的餅乾。我們坐在微濕的木製長椅上。她比了比那座水漾漾的景觀。 他們擺設了那一座，因為我覺得那有日本禪宗舒緩人心的功效，她說。我如今發覺那頗令人毛骨悚然。 How to say? 不是有個故事說，受到詛咒的人萬劫不復地在地獄裡設法用水裝滿一口大泥甕一口有破洞的甕？ 我沒聽說過這個故事。 我不該告訴妳這個典故的，我或許讓妳覺得掃興了。 我喜歡這個景觀，我喜歡那個聲音。那是歡樂的聲音。 那是精神所在。she says. 能在冬陽中坐在戶外真是愜意，不過也有點奇怪。我只小啜一口咖啡。我必須謹慎，我已經瀕臨崩潰邊緣，太多咖啡因會使我變成群醫會診的個案。 妳的情況如何？she asked.那似乎是個很笨拙的開場白。 妳可知道我對住院最反感的是什麼？人們都待妳很友善，呵護備至，而且我也有自己的房間及一部電視，不過在那個房間裡，別人可以不用敲門就進來，這一點仍令我耿耿於懷。我從沒見過的人進來清理房間或送食物，較有教養的會跟我點頭致意，其他人則任意進進出出。 妳有被嚇到嗎？ 我一開始沒答腔。我又啜了口咖啡也吃了口餅乾，然後我說：有，當然。我是說我認為我因各種不同的情況而嚇到了我因為想到那件事的情景而嚇到了；再度回想這一切，幾乎有如仍置身其中而且未曾脫身。整件事像是籠罩著我，宛如我在水底或什麼的，溺死在其中。大部分的時間我設法讓自己不要去回想。我設法將之摒除在外。或許我不該這麼做。妳認為回想此事較有益嗎？我沒有給她時間回答。還有一件事情會嚇到我，就是他仍逍遙法外這個念頭。而且或許他就在等我出院，然後再度擄走我。每當我想到這一點，我就喘不過氣來。我全身似乎都因恐懼而支離破碎了。所以，沒錯，我是被嚇到了。不過不是一直如此。有時候我只覺得真是僥倖能逃過一劫。不過我希望他們能將他繩之以法。在他落網之前，我不認為我能再度感到安心。 Erin.貝多絲是我遇見的人當中，第一個可以讓我開口談起我在那個房間內遭遇了什麼事，以及我的感受。她不是朋友。我可以告訴她我喪失自我的感受，以及我逐漸變得像動物或物體的感受。我告訴她他的笑聲、他的咕噥聲、那個桶子。我告訴她我曾尿褲子。我告訴她我曾什麼事都願意做，聽任他擺布，只求能苟活偷生。她默默聆聽，不置一詞。我侃侃而談，直到漸感聲嘶力竭。然後我停下來，朝她傾靠過去。妳認為妳能協助我回想起我失憶的日子嗎？ 我所關心的，以及我的職責，是妳腦中出了什麼狀況，還有妳曾經歷的事，以及妳仍在經歷的事。如果它的結果有助於偵辦，那就是附帶的收穫了。警方已在盡力偵辦了，艾比。 我不確定我提供了足夠的線索讓他們偵辦。 妳的職責是讓自己好起來。 我向後靠坐回我的椅子內。我舉頭望著我們身旁的醫院大樓各個樓層。有一層樓中，一個額頭很高、神色肅穆的小男孩正俯瞰著我們。我可以聽到外頭的隆隆車聲、喇叭聲。 妳可知道我的一個噩夢？I said. What? 其實，我有很多噩夢。像是又回到那個房間。我很痛恨這種有如懸在半空中的感覺，像被困住了。不過有時候我擔心我就要出院了，回去過我的生活，一切將回歸正常，那個人也永遠不會落網，而唯一的線索就是我對他的片斷回憶。這些回憶會像是一條蟲在我的頭裡爬來爬去，將我啃食殆盡。 Erin.貝多絲注視著我；她的眼神很銳利。妳不喜歡妳的生活？她說，妳不喜歡回去過妳的生活這種想法？ 我不是這個意思，我說。我是說我無法忍受這一切到頭來會不了了之這種想法。在我有生之年永遠無法擺脫這種想法。妳知道，有人會罹患假性失聰，不過不是真的耳聾。那不是無聲。那是他們耳中有一種聲音，永遠不會消失，那會使人發狂，直到最後他們為了讓這股聲音消失而自殺。 妳能否談談妳自己，艾比？在發生這一切之前的妳。 我啜了口咖啡。原本太燙，此時又太涼了。我該從何談起？我今年二十五歲。嗯我茫茫然停了下來。 妳在哪裡上班？ 最近這兩年，我都在一家為辦公室做裝潢設計的公司像瘋了般地賣力工作。 What's the meaning? 如果有某家公司設立新的辦公室，我們可以依客戶的需求略做裝飾或大肆裝潢。有時候只是設計壁紙，有時候則是從筆到電腦系統全由我們一手包辦。 妳樂在工作？ Be it.我想了想，我不相信我十年後還會做這一行或者甚至不會超過一年。我只能算是誤打誤撞進了這一行，而且發現做得還頗得心應手的。有時候我們只能呆坐著等生意上門，不過有時限壓力時就得熬夜加班。客戶付錢就是要我們效命。 妳有個男朋友？ Yes.我是因工作認識泰利。大部分人都是這麼相識的，不是嗎？我不知道我還能在什麼地方認識任何人。他在電腦系統公司上班，我大約一年前與他同居。 她靜坐著等我繼續說，所以我當然就再說下去了，因為我一向是一開口就喋喋不休的，尤其在冷場時我想也是因為我希望能談些我從來不曾提過的事。故而我這時便開始滔滔不絕侃侃而談。 老實說，最近幾個月的情況不是很稱心如意。反正，這幾個月可以稱得上是諸事不順。我通宵達旦趕工而他也賣命工作他一賣命工作就會拚命喝酒，我不認為他是個酒鬼或有酒癮，他只是在想要舒緩壓力時才會借酒澆愁。問題是，他並沒能舒緩壓力，或者為期不久。他會變得哭哭啼啼的或是暴躁易怒。 為什麼事發脾氣？ 老實說，我也不知道。所有事情，生活，我。他會為了我而發脾氣，因為我就在他身旁，我想。還有他，呃，他我突然停了下來。這很難啟齒。 他有暴力傾向？Erin.貝多絲問道。 我發現我就要將不曾向人透露的事全盤托出。 sometimes.我低聲含糊地說著。 他會打妳嗎？ 他曾對我施暴過幾次。是的，我一直以為我是那種不會讓自己挨打一次以上的女性。如果妳幾個月前問我，我會說若有男人打我，我就會離他而去。But I don't.I do not know why.他總是滿心懊悔，我猜我也為他覺得難過。聽起來是不是很愚蠢？我覺得他這麼做對他自己的傷害比對我的傷害還要深。當我談起此事，呃，老實說在此之前我不曾實際談過此事，不過如今，我覺得我所描述的那個人不是我。我不是那種會與對她很惡劣的男人交往的女人。我比較像呃，比較像是會從地窖逃出來，只想繼續過生活的那種女人。 妳做得很出色。she said kindly. 我沒有這種想法。real.我只是盡力而為。 光是聽起來就真的很不錯了。我曾對這類的精神病患做過若干研究 妳沒有跟我談過這件事，我說。妳說妳是個精神科醫師，而且妳對那種層面的事不感興趣。 妳的因應之道一開始就展現了過人的活力，就只為了求生。然後是妳非比尋常的逃脫。那幾乎可稱得上是空前之舉。 妳只聽了我的片面之詞。或許我誇大其詞讓自己顯得更為英勇。 我看不出有此可能，她說。畢竟，妳在這裡。妳活過來了。 那倒是，我說。反正，現在妳對我一清二楚了。 那我可不敢說。再過一或兩天，我們或許可以再碰個面。 我樂觀其成。I said. 我稍後會幫我們張羅午餐。妳想必餓壞了。首先我想要請妳幫個忙。 What? 她沒有回答，只自顧在包包中翻找。我趁此空檔忖度她。我必須努力避免讓自己覺得她是我會為自己塑造出來的那種母親：她親切熱情而我母親則是疏離冷漠，她充滿自信而我母親則是卑怯畏縮，她聰明睿智而我母親則是反正稱不上是愛因斯坦，只能算是很深沉複雜又耐人尋味。 她從包包裡抽出一份檔案，擺在桌子上，取出一張紙，一份印妥的表格，她將之擺在我面前。 What's this?I asked.妳想要向我拉保險？ She didn't smile.我想要幫妳忙，她說。我也想要做一份正式的評估，故而我要盡可能的建構出整個來龍去脈。我想要擁有調閱妳病歷資料的權限，這一點我需要妳的同意。我需要妳簽署這份文件。 妳是當真的？I said.也不過就是要去度假前做預防注射，以及我曾因胸部感染而注射抗生素之類的事。 那會有所幫助。她說著，遞出一枝筆。 我聳聳肩，然後簽名。我可不會羨慕妳要看的，我說。那麼，我們接下來要做什麼？ 我想要聊聊，她說。或者應該說，我想要讓妳聊聊。隨便聊，看會聊到什麼話題。 我於是娓娓道來，盡情傾訴。Erin.貝多絲走入醫院大樓內，回來時拿著三明治和沙拉與飲料及茶還有餅乾。太陽繞過了大片天，我侃侃而談，有時候，當我想起去年令人極度倦怠的日子時，我哭了出來。不過我大部分時間都是滔滔不絕，直到已精疲力盡，這時庭院已經又暗又冷，她帶我走過有回音的走廊，回到我的房間。 我的床上有一大束水仙花，還在一只信封背面潦草地寫下留言。探視未遇，悵甚。我已盡可能等到非走不可。我會盡快回來。滿懷愛意與懷念，莎蒂。 我坐在床上，因大失所望而虛弱無力。 偵辦的情況如何？ 我們沒有線索可以偵辦。 有那些女子。 有五個女性的名字。 六個，包括我在內。 如果妳柯羅斯停了下來，滿臉尷尬。 如果我記得什麼事情，我說。你會第一個知道。 這是妳的腦部。 我的腦部。我看著攤在我們面前光板上的那張掃瞄圖，然後撫了撫太陽穴。看著自己的腦部，感覺真怪異。怎麼樣，沒事吧？ Charlie.穆立甘朝我淡然一笑。依我看來滿不錯的。 看起來有些陰影。 那是原本就應當如此的。 不過我還是記不得。我的生命中出現了一個漏洞。 或許總是會如此。 一個災難狀的漏洞。 或許記憶會逐漸恢復，也會將這個漏洞填補。 我能採取什麼行動嗎？ 別為此而苦惱。take it easy. 你不曉得你是在跟誰說話。 有比失憶更悲慘的事，他溫和地說。反正，我得再回去幹活了。 回去研究你的白老鼠。 他伸出手，我將之緊握住。他的手溫暖而結實。回去研究我的白老鼠。妳如果有什麼需要就打聲招呼。 如果我有什麼需要，而且你也能幫得上忙的話，我想。不過我還是點點頭，同時設法擠出一絲笑容。 我不知在哪裡讀過，人一生中頂多就真正墜入情網兩次，或許三次。 妳認為那是真的嗎？ I have no idea.perhaps.不過話說回來，我如果不是已經墜入情網許多次，就是從來沒戀愛過。到了一個階段妳就會廢寢忘食，妳會覺得病懨懨的喘不過氣來，妳不知道自己是樂不可支還是苦不堪言。妳只想與他在一起，天底下的其他事情都可以拋諸腦後。 yes. 這種感覺我體驗過很多次，不過都為時不久。有時才幾天；有時則持續到有性關係為止。一切塵埃落定後妳就得看看妳擁有的是什麼。一般而言都不多，就像是火熄滅後的餘燼。妳會想，天啊，那是怎麼一回事？有時候妳還是會起心動念，覺得有情意、慾念。不過那是愛嗎？我愛得最死去活來的一次是大學時代。天啊，我好仰慕他。不過那也只是曇花一現。 他離開妳？ right.我哭了幾星期。我還以為永遠無法熬過來。 泰利呢？和他的關係是否比其他人更強烈？ 更久，至少這應該有點價值，也算是種承諾。或是耐力。我笑了一聲，聽起來不像我平常的笑聲。我是說，我現在覺得我真的很了解他了。我了解他的方式和我對別人的了解截然不同。全都是很私密的小事，他不為人知的那些事而我對他的了解愈深，就有愈多理由可以離開他，但也愈難以割捨。那聽起來合理嗎？ 妳說得像是被套牢了。 許多人有時候會覺得他們在男女關係中被套牢了，不是嗎？ 所以妳覺得在工作及生活中都被套牢了？ 那麼說就太誇張了點。我只是讓日子變得一成不變。 妳想跳脫出這種窠臼？ 妳會漸漸對一些事情習慣成自然，也會無法體認到自己置身於何種情況中，直到出現危機才恍然大悟。 妳的意思是說 這是我的危機。 隔天當艾琳到我房間來時我的房間。我發現自己這麼描述，就像是我要在此度過餘生，就像是我無法應付外頭的世界，無法自己購物或做決定。 她還是一樣地沉著穩健。她笑了笑問我睡得好不好。在現實世界中，人們或許偶爾會向你問好，不過他們不是真的想知道。你只是應該回答：很好。他們問妳睡得好不好，吃得好不好，感覺好不好，其實並不是真的想知道答案。Erin.貝多絲就想知道。她會以充滿睿智的眼神望著我，等我開口。所以我說我睡得很好，但那不是事實。那是醫院的另一個缺點。當然，我有自己的私人房，不過除非你的房間是在太平洋中央的一座小島上，否則難免會在凌晨兩點半被某個女人的尖叫聲吵醒。有人會去安撫照料她，不過我卻得獨自盯著黑暗，想著奄奄一息及死亡，那個地窖和我耳中的聲音。 Yes, good.I said. 妳的檔案送來了。she says. 什麼檔案？ 妳的醫生送來的。妳的公費醫療基本病歷。 噢，天啊，我說。I've forgotten it all.我想裡面全是些會被用來充當對我不利證據的資料。 妳為什麼這麼說？ 只是開個玩笑。現在妳要說沒有只是開個玩笑這回事了。 妳沒有告訴我妳曾接受憂鬱症治療。 我曾接受憂鬱症治療？ 她瞄了筆記本一眼。妳曾在一九九五年十一月，由醫生開立SSRI的處方箋。 what is that? 一種抗憂鬱症的藥物。 我記不得這件事。 think about it. I thought for a moment.一九九五年。大學。愛得死去活來。 那想必就是我與朱爾斯分手的時候。我昨天跟妳提起過此事了。我的情況很悲慘。我以為我的心已經碎了。反正，我猜是那時候。我早晨不起床，整天以淚洗面，似乎無法停止哭泣。真奇怪，人的體內會有多少水。所以我的一個朋友就好說歹說帶我去看校醫。他開了些藥丸，不過我連有沒有服用都記不得。我自覺難為情地笑了出來。我說我記不得，並不是說我還有更多的失憶症狀，只是一直覺得那似乎並不重要。 妳怎麼沒向我提起這件事？ 我大約八歲時收到一把削鉛筆刀當生日禮物。難以置信，不過確實如此。大約八分鐘後，我在花園中試圖切開一小塊木頭，結果刀子割進我的手指。我舉起左手。看，這裡還有一大條疤痕。血流得好誇張。我或許只是憑空想像，不過當我望著疤痕時，我可以感覺到刀子滑開割進手指的情形。我也沒提起此事。 艾比，我們一直在談妳的情緒。我們曾討論妳對壓力的反應。不過妳沒有提起那件事。 妳是說我忘了此事，就像我記不得被那個男的擄走？不過我的確曾提過此事。我們昨天聊天時我曾告訴過妳此事。 沒錯，不過妳沒有提起妳曾接受治療。 那只是因為我沒想到有何關連。我在大學時和人交往，然後在分手時為之消沉沮喪。噢，好吧，或許是息息相關。什麼事都可扯上邊吧，我猜。或許我之所以沒提起是因為那很令人傷感，而且我覺得被人遺棄了。 遺棄？ Yes.當然了，我墜入情網而他沒有。 我調閱妳的檔案，我對妳面對生命中的其他壓力時的反應很感興趣。 我被人囚禁而且那人還想殺害我，如果妳將之與我和男朋友分手，以及我罹患濕疹兩年才痊癒妳讀到這份檔案了沒？反正，若妳要將之與我生命中這些點點滴滴混為一談，我只能說根本就不該相提並論。 這些事有一個共通點，亦即它們都發生在妳身上。我要找出其模式。這已成為妳生命中的一個事件。它就像妳在今生中遭遇的每一件事一樣，或多或少會改變妳。我希望能協助妳確保它不會對妳有不良影響。 不過生命中總是會有些不如意的事，那只是其中之一。人生難免會不如己意，我無法將之變成大吉大利。我唯一能想到真正攸關緊要的事，是找出這個惡性重大之徒並將他繩之以法，讓他永遠無法再對任何人做這種事。我望向窗外。我可以看到建築物上方的蔚藍天空。我無法感受到室外的寒意，不過隱約可以看得出來。光是看著這幅景象就使這個惹人厭恨的房間窒悶得令人難以忍受。And one more thing. What's up?艾琳說。 我必須離開這裡，真的有此必要，否則我永遠無法離開。我必須回歸正常生活。我想我無法就這麼起床穿著這些借來的衣服不過，仔細想想，我不知道有何不可不過我要去找伯恩斯醫師，或是找他的祕書留言，告訴他我明天就要出院。我會留一個聯絡地址給傑克．柯羅斯。若妳仍覺得值得與我聊，我可以到妳建議的任何地方與妳碰面。不過這裡我再也待不住了。 Erin.貝多絲總是表現得彷彿她早就料到我會這麼說，而且她相當能夠體諒。 那或許是對的，她說。妳能否幫我們一個忙？我們也曾談過，妳已接受不同部門的專業人士診測過。我很遺憾拖了這麼久，不過妳可以想見，要讓所有人在同一時間齊聚一堂並獲得一致同意的決定，這種斡旋過程簡直像場噩夢。我剛聽說明天一早每個相關人員都要集合開會。我們要討論此後的措施，其中一個顯然必須處理的議題就是關於妳的出院事宜。 can i join What? 我能參加開會嗎？ 艾琳首次露出茫然的神情。對不起，那是不可能的。 妳是說或許會有些我不想聽的話？ 她露出那種安撫