Chapter 4 skin and heart

It popped up again!I found a red bean-like pimple emerging from the bottom of my left breast.Take a closer look, there are a few small red rashes near the pimple, like spray droplets all around.At the time, though, I didn't feel itchy at all.I just find it annoying, rubbing the underside of my breasts with a towel in the bathroom, like peeling off a layer of skin.But nothing seemed to work. When I got home and sat alone in front of the dressing table, I unbuttoned my clothes and exposed my chest. I looked in the mirror and felt sick.It took less than five minutes from the public bath to my house. In a very short time, the rash spread from under the breasts to the abdomen, about two palms wide. From the outside, it looked like bright red ripe strawberries.I seemed to see a terrifying picture scroll of hell, and the surroundings suddenly darkened.Since then, I'm not the same person I used to be, and I don't feel like a person anymore.The so-called absent-mindedness refers to such a state.

I sat there in a daze, and that moment was almost eternity.Dark gray cumulonimbus clouds gathered around me, and I was far away from the original world. Since then, I can only hear faint voices, depressing, coming up from the ground all the time.I stared at the naked body in the mirror for a long time, like raindrops falling on the ground, puff puff, here and there, small red particles appeared one after another, including around the neck, from the chest, abdomen to The back, as if being entangled.I adjusted the mirror and checked my back. The white back seemed to be covered with red snowgrain, with tiny red particles all over it. I covered my face in horror, not daring to look any further.

This damn thing grows everywhere.I showed it to the guy, and it was early June.That person was wearing a short shirt and shorts, and looked like he had finished his work today. He sat at the desk and smoked a cigarette. Touch and see. Won't it itch?the man asked me.I answered him, no itching, not itching at all.The man nodded and let me stand in the afterglow of the setting sun, examining my naked body very intently.That person always pays close attention to my body.Although taciturn, he cared about me sincerely.I understand that person's intentions very well. Even if I stand in the light like this, shamelessly naked, facing west for a while, facing east for a while, being touched back and forth in embarrassment, I feel like praying: I feel very calm and feel very at ease.I continued to stand and close my eyes, feeling like I would never want to open them until I died.

I do not know.If it is hives, it should feel itchy, could it be hives? I smiled pitifully while changing into my kimono. Eighty percent of it is skin allergies.Every time I go to the bathhouse, I scrub my chest and neck vigorously. Maybe so.probably.As soon as the man finished speaking, he went to the pharmacy and bought a tube of white viscous ointment, and quietly applied the ointment on the allergic parts of my body with his fingers.Soon, the skin feels cool and the mood becomes more relaxed. It shouldn't be contagious, right? don’t worry. Although that person said so, I know that person's worry must be out of pity for me. In such a mood, there was a painful sound from that person's fingertips to my chest.I sincerely hope for a speedy recovery.

That person has been very careful to accommodate my ugly appearance.My face has many ridiculous flaws, but he never even said a single joke, really none at all, never made fun of my appearance, always as clear as a clear sky, without any extraneous thoughts. I think you are beautiful, I like it.Such words are often blurted out, and I am often confused. We just got married in March of this year.When it comes to marriage, I really hate it. I am obviously restless inside, but I pretend to be calm when I say it.In our case, we are weak and needy, sensitive and shy.I am twenty-eight years old.An ugly girl like me cannot find a partner.When I was twenty-four or five years old, I still had two or three chances. I finally made a deal and then broke the deal.The main reason is that my family doesn’t have much money. My mother alone, plus my younger sister and I, form a poor family of all women. What kind of good partner can I find?There is no hope at all.This was a dream with deep desires, and I didn't finally realize it until I was twenty-five years old.Even if I don't get married in my life, I still have to help my mother and raise my younger sister. This is the value of my existence.

There is a seven-year difference between my sister and me. She is 21 years old this year. She is pretty and has gradually become less self-willed and has become a good boy.After I find a good husband for my sister, I will start to walk my own path.Before that, at home, all family planning and external negotiations were carried out by me alone, and I will always guard this home.Once I had this awareness, all the distracting thoughts that were chaotic in my heart were swept away, and the depression and loneliness were far away from me.While doing housework, I also worked hard to practice tailoring, tried to accept orders, and helped the neighbors' children make clothes.I was introduced to the man who is with me now as I was making my way towards the future.

The matchmaker was regarded as the benefactor of the late father and the sworn brother of the father, which made it impossible for me to refuse at the moment.From the content of the conversation, we learned that the other party's education was only a primary school graduate, and he was lonely and helpless since he was a child. He was picked up by the benefactor of his late father and slowly raised up.Of course, the other party didn't have any property, and was thirty-five years old, and he was a pattern designer with some skills.Sometimes the monthly income is more than 200 yen, but sometimes there is no income at all, so on average, the monthly income is 70 to 80 yen.Moreover, this is not the first time the other party has been married. He has lived with the woman he likes for six years. The two separated for some reason the year before last. And other factors, completely give up on the matter of marriage, intending not to marry for the rest of his life, live a relaxed life, and be a bachelor.

Regarding this point, the benefactor who came to the matchmaker thought that that person was too casual, so he would be called a weirdo by others.Listening to what he said, my mother and I didn't know what to say. It was really nerve-wracking for the two of us to look at each other.Because this is not a good relationship.Even though I'm an ugly girl who can't be married, I haven't made any mistakes, so why do I have to marry that kind of person?I was very angry at first, and then I felt very lonely.There is no other way but to refuse, but the matchmaker is the benefactor of the deceased father, and he is sworn brother, so my mother and I cannot immediately refuse.

I was very weak, unable to make a decision for a long time, and suddenly felt that that person was also very pitiful, and must be a gentle person.I just graduated from a girls' school, I have little knowledge, and I can't afford a decent dowry.The father has passed away, and the family has lost a strong spiritual support.Moreover, as you can see, an ugly woman like me is already an obasan who is not young, and really can't find any advantages.It might be a good match as a husband and wife.Anyway, I will not be happy.When I think of declining this marriage, I will feel very sorry for my deceased father's benefactor, and my mood gradually eases down. I feel a little shy, and I feel my cheeks are slightly hot.My mother asked me worriedly: Is it really okay for you to do this?However, without saying anything, I readily agreed to the marriage proposed by my late father's benefactor.

After getting married, I lived a very happy life.No, it should be said that happiness is too much.There will be retribution in the future, because I have been cared for meticulously after marriage.That person was always weak, and he had been abandoned by women before, and he had a submissive appearance, no confidence at all, thin and small, and a shabby face, which really made people impatient.However, that person is very serious about his work, and the hand-painted patterns are amazing, and he will remember and leave a deep impression just by looking at them.What a wonderful fate.I tried to visit that person, and when the marriage was confirmed, it was as if I had fallen in love, and my heart was beating non-stop.There is a well-known cosmetics store in Ginza, the logo of Rose Vine is designed by him.Not only that, but almost all the logo designs of perfumes, soaps, powders, etc., as well as newspaper advertisements sold in that cosmetics store, are all handled by him.

It is said that since ten years ago, he has been the exclusive designer of that store, and the labels, posters and print advertisements of different colors of rose vines are all hand-painted by himself.So far, even foreigners can remember the pattern of rose vines. Even if they don’t know the name of the store, as long as they see the elegant rose vines intertwined with each other, no matter who they are, they will firmly remember it.When I was in girls' school, I knew the pattern of rose vines.The pattern attracted me inexplicably. Since graduating from the girls' school, all the cosmetics I have used are the products of that store. It can be said that I am a die-hard user.But I never thought about who was the designer of that rose vine?What a casual guy.However, not only me, I think people in the world, even after seeing the beautiful advertisements in the newspapers, would not deliberately want to know who designed the patterns.Pattern workers and so on are basically the role of marrying people. After marrying that person, it was some time before I started paying attention to it.Right now I am full of joy. I've loved this pattern since I was in girls' school.It turned out to be hand-painted by you, so happy!I am very blessed.It turned out that we got married as early as ten years ago.It seems that marrying here is arranged by God. Stop talking nonsense, isn't it the job of a mechanic?He felt embarrassed from the bottom of his heart, blinking his eyes, smiling weakly, with a sad expression on his face. That person always said that he was useless. Although I didn't take these things to heart, he cared very much about education, remarriage, poverty, etc., and he always talked about it.If so, what should an ugly girl like me do?Both husband and wife were unconfident, flustered, and each other's faces were covered with embarrassment lines.That person sometimes acts like a spoiled child to me, but I am a twenty-eight-year-old obasan with such an ugly appearance, and seeing that person's lack of confidence and low self-esteem, even I seem to be infected and become Was not good at words.Obviously I love him in my heart, but I can't act like a baby to him innocently. I always take a serious attitude and respond coldly, so that person looks even more unhappy.It is because I know how he feels that I am so flustered, and sometimes treat him as a stranger.That person also seemed to be very aware of my lack of self-confidence. He pretended to be nonchalant and praised my appearance or the color of the kimono indiscriminately. I knew that he said this out of pity, so I didn't feel happy at all. Instead, I felt my chest was depressed, and I was so sad that I wanted to cry. That man was indeed a good man.There was not even a trace of the woman's breath left.Thanks to him, I've long since forgotten about it.Even this home is a newly rented house after marriage. The man used to live alone in the apartment in Akasaka, but he cleared out all the furniture and all the sundries from the previous cohabitation, and only brought the items needed for work. Coming to this new home in Tsukiji must have taken into consideration not to leave a bad impression. This is also a kind of gentle and considerate.So, I took some money from my mother, and bought furniture bit by bit. I brought the sheets and wardrobe from my mother’s house, and there was no trace of the woman before. It is hard for me to believe that person ever Lived with other women for six years. Frankly speaking, if he is not so inferior, can be a little tougher to me, scold me loudly, say some ugly words to ravage me, maybe I can sing innocently and act like a baby to him to my heart's content, the atmosphere in our family will definitely be more cheerful , but both the husband and wife feel ugly and are not good at calligraphy. In short, I am more inferior than that person.Although that person has only graduated from elementary school, in terms of knowledge, there is no difference in the degree of knowledge cultivation compared with a bachelor who graduated from a university.Speaking of records, he has collected quite a lot of good music, and after work, he will seriously read some works of foreign emerging novelists that I have never heard before, and he also designed the worldwide rose and vine pattern. Although he often laughed at his own poverty, he took on a lot of jobs at that time, and a large amount of 100 yen or 200 yen was recorded in the account. Even if he didn't have much money at hand, he still wanted to take me to Izu to soak in the hot springs .However, that person still cares very much that the sheets, wardrobe, and other furniture were bought by my mother.He cares so much, but it makes me feel ashamed, as if I have done something bad, those things are obviously cheap, I feel sad and want to cry, it seems that a hasty marriage based on sympathy and pity is itself a mistake, maybe I am still suitable It's better to live alone.I've had these horrible thoughts at night, and I've even had the idea of ​​having an affair with someone with a stronger personality, and I'm a bad person anyway. After getting married, the first time I was young and beautiful, I spent it in such a gloomy way. I was really unwilling, and I felt severe pain like biting my tongue. Now I really want to use something to fill it.When I ate dinner quietly with that person, sometimes I still couldn't bear the sadness, holding the bowls and chopsticks in my hand, with a weeping face.It's all because of my selfish desires, I'm so ugly, I still want to pursue youth.It will only become the laughing stock of others.I feel very happy just to maintain the life I have now.I have to think this way, it is because I am too self-willed that I will grow such a terrible little pimple.Probably because of the medicine, the small pimple did not continue to spread, maybe it will be cured tomorrow, I secretly prayed to the gods, and went to bed early that night. I was thinking hard while lying on the bed, and the more I thought about it, the more incredible it became.No matter what kind of disease, I have no fear, except for skin diseases, I have absolutely nothing to do with it.It doesn't matter how hard it is or how poor it is, I just don't want to get skin diseases.That doesn't mean I don't know that a missing hand or a broken leg is much more serious than a skin disease.I remember when I was in a girls’ school, the health education class taught me about the pathogenic bacteria of various skin diseases. I couldn’t stand the itching all over my body, and I really wanted to tear up the page in the textbook that contained the pictures of the diseases, insects and bacteria.The teacher's nerves seem to be relatively slow, no, even the teacher can't guide calmly.Purely because of work, I endured desperately, pretending to be a matter of course and teaching.The more I feel that this must be the case, the more uncomfortable I feel about the teacher's brazen and despicable character. After my health education class, I had a discussion with my friend.Pain, itching, itching, which is the most painful?On issues like this, I categorically argue that itching is the scariest thing.Is not it?Pain, itching, my perception still has a certain limit.Being beaten, chopped or scratched, when the pain reaches the limit, people will definitely faint.Once in a coma, you will enter the world of hallucinations.There will be a feeling of ascension.There can be beautiful relief from pain.Even if it is death, it doesn't matter.But itching is like the tide, rising tide, ebbing tide, rising tide, ebbing tide, like snakes sluggishly and slowly wriggling, wriggling endlessly under the skin, never reaching the peak of pain, neither fainting nor Will die, can only bear the pain of Ling Chi forever, struggling there to death.After all, there is no pain in the world worse than an itching. Even if I was tortured in the former execution ground, chopped, beaten or scratched, in that case, I would not do it honestly.At that time, I will definitely pass out. If it happens two or three times, I will probably die.I will never tell the truth, I will risk my life as a martyr and swear to keep the secret to the death.However, if the bamboo bucket is full of fleas, lice or mange, say it!I'm going to spill it all over your back!I would stand on end with hairs standing on end, trembling all over and shouting for help, completely disregarding my identity as a martyr, clasping my hands together and begging the other party.Just thinking about it like this makes me want to vomit, and I almost jump up.When I told my friends what I just thought during the break, they immediately resonated. Once, the teacher led the whole class to the Science Museum in Ueno for off-campus teaching. As soon as I arrived at the herbarium on the third floor, I subconsciously screamed that I shouldn't have come, and then burst into tears.Because I saw chiggers parasitic on the skin, made models the size of crabs, and lined up on the shelf as decorations.Fool!I yelled, and suddenly had a crazy idea to smash the glass of the herbarium with a club.After that, for three days in a row, I tossed and turned, couldn't sleep, my whole body was itchy for some reason, and I couldn't eat.I even hate chrysanthemums.The small petals look like monsters one by one.Even if you see the bumps on the trunk, you will get goose bumps and suddenly itchy all over your body.I can't even understand how someone can eat something like pickled fish eggs without thinking about it. Oyster shells, pumpkin rinds, gravel paths, worm-eating leaves, cockscombs, sesame seeds, twisted patterns, octopus feet, tea leaves, shrimp roe, honeycombs, strawberries, ants, lotus seeds, flies, scales, all of them are disgusting.Labeled pseudonym, annoying.Small pseudonyms look like lice.Dogwood and mulberry are also hated.Seeing the close-up photos of the moon, I also feel disgusted, even if it is embroidery, touching it along the pattern is unbearable.Because I hate skin diseases very much, I naturally take special care of my skin, and I have hardly had any small bumps so far.Moreover, after I got married, I would still go to the bathhouse every day and rub my body with rice bran, maybe I rubbed too hard.Growing such a small pimple really makes people feel regretful.What am I doing wrong?When it comes to being a god, he goes too far.It actually gave me the most disgusting and disgusting thing, but not without other diseases. It was like an arrow hitting a metal bullseye, and I fell into the most terrifying abyss of hell all at once, which made me feel deeply inconceivable. The next morning, when the sky was twilight, I got up, quietly looking at the mirror, and couldn't help but say ah!With a groan, I am a monster!this is not me!His whole body looked like a smashed tomato, with ugly, bean-like bumps appearing on his neck, chest, and stomach.It looks like it has horns, and it looks like mushrooms, there is no gap at all, and the small bumps are almost all over the body, like countless monsters opening their mouths and sniggering.It will soon spread to the legs. ghost.demon.I'm not human!Let me die like this!I can't cry.Turning into such an ugly body and sobbing and crying is not cute at all, and it will be crushed into a funny and humble appearance like an increasingly ripe persimmon, presenting a helpless and miserable situation.I can't cry, have to hide.That person doesn't know yet.I don't want him to see it.The original ugly me has become this kind of virtue again, with rotten skin like a walking dead, and now I am useless.Things have evolved to this point, and that person can't find anything to comfort me.I hate being comforted, and if I continue to sympathize with such a body, I will cast aside that person.Hate.I really want to break up.Stop pitying me!Don't look at me, and don't stay by my side. Ah, I really want to, I really want to live in a more spacious house, I really want to live in a distant room for the rest of my life.How nice it would be if you weren't married.How wonderful it would be if you only lived to be twenty-eight years old.In the winter when I was nineteen, when I was suffering from pneumonia, it would be nice to die like this if the condition was not optimistic.If he had died at that time, he would not have encountered such a painful and horrible situation now.I closed my eyes tightly and sat motionless, only my breathing was short of breath. During this process, I felt like my heart became a ghost.The world is silent, the me of yesterday no longer exists.I stood up slowly and put on the animal-skin-like kimono, deeply grateful for the beauty of the kimono.No matter how terrible the body is, it can be well hidden like this. I lifted my spirits and walked to the clothes drying yard. Looking up at the dazzling sun, I couldn't help but sighed deeply.Gymnastics instructions came from the radio.I was doing gymnastics alone, counting one, two, three in a low voice, pretending to look energetic.Suddenly I feel so pitiful. If I don’t continue doing gymnastics, I might cry later.I don't know if it's because of the intense exercise just now, but the lymph glands in the neck and armpits started to hurt a little, and they all swelled up when touched lightly.When I found out, I couldn't stand anymore, and I fell to the ground like a collapse.I am ugly, and I have always been careful, low-key and patient until now, why do you bully me?A raging rage that could almost burn people welled up in my heart, at this moment Hey, so you are here, don't be downcast!A gentle call came from behind him. How about it?Are you feeling better? I wanted to answer better, but suddenly that person's right hand rested lightly on my shoulder, and I instinctively ran away and stood up. go home.When these words came out unconsciously, even I almost didn't recognize myself.what to doWhat to say?It's not my responsibility, myself?universe?I don't believe everything anymore. Let me have a look.The man seemed confused, and the hoarse voice seemed to come from far away. don't want!I immediately pulled away to dodge the opponent. In this kind of place, things grow one by one.I touched my armpits with both hands and said. Then he put down his hands, and suddenly wept loudly, and couldn't help but scream.Such an ugly twenty-eight-year-old ugly monster is still acting like a baby and crying in front of people, how sad!Even though I know it's ugly to cry, the tears just keep coming and the saliva dripping down and I'm really useless. Well, don't cry!I will take you to see a doctor later.I have never heard such a strong and decisive voice from that person. That day, he took a break from work to check the newspaper advertisements, planning to take me to a well-known dermatologist whose name he had only heard once or twice.While changing the kimono I went out, I asked: Do you have to show your body to others when you see a doctor? yes.The man smiled very elegantly and said: Don't treat the doctor as a man. I blushed, but felt happy inside. When I walked out into the street, the sun was shining brightly, and I felt like an ugly caterpillar.How I wish the world would remain in total darkness in the middle of the night until I recovered from my illness. I don't want to take a tram!It was the first time since I got married that I spoke extravagantly and willfully.The small pimple has spread to the back of the hand. I once saw a woman with such horrible hands on the tram. Since then, I even feel unclean to hold the leather ring of the tram, afraid that I may be infected and feel sick.However, now my hands have become similar to that woman's situation. I couldn't understand the so-called bad luck at the time as well as I do now. I see.The man answered with a sunny expression and let me get in a taxi. It only took a short time from Tsukiji, via Nihombashi, to the hospital behind Takashimaya, but in between, I felt like I was in a hearse.It seems that only the eyes are still alive, looking blankly at the streets and alleys in early summer, walking on the road, no matter whether it is a woman or a man, it will not be strange for me to grow such a small pimple. When we arrived at the hospital, I went into the waiting room with that person. The scene here was completely different from the world. I suddenly remembered the stage scene of the play "Abyss" that I had seen in the Tsukiji Theater ① a long time ago.Although there is fresh green outside the window, it is so dazzling and bright, but for some reason, even though there is sunlight in the room, the light is still dim, and the air is filled with cold humidity and a sour smell, like blind people running around with their heads down.Although there are no blind people here, I always feel that something is not right. There are so many old grandpas and old ladies that I am surprised.I sat down on a bench near the entrance and closed my eyes in despondency as if dead.Suddenly I noticed that, out of a large number of patients, I was probably the only one suffering from the most serious skin disease.Thinking of this, I couldn't help opening my eyes wide, raised my head, and looked at every patient secretly. Sure enough, there was no one with sores all over my body like me. (①The Tsukiji Small Theater is an important base of contemporary Japanese drama. It was founded and opened in 1924 by Kaoru Koyamauchi and Yushi Hijikata. They introduced Western stage plays and translated them into Japanese performances, emphasizing the experimental nature of drama.) It was only when I saw the signboard at the entrance of the hospital that I realized that besides the dermatology department, it was also a specialized hospital for another unspeakable and annoying disease.I also noticed that the man sitting opposite the bench looked like a young and handsome actor, with no sores on his body at all. Maybe he didn't go to the dermatology clinic, but came for another disease.Thinking about it this way, I can feel that those people who are sitting with their heads bowed waiting to die in this waiting room seem to have come for another disease. Do you want to go for a walk outside?It's a little stuffy in here. It seems it's not our turn yet.The man was idle and had nothing to do, standing beside me and looking around. Well, it was almost noon when it was my turn.It's not hygienic here, so don't stay here forever.Even I was surprised to say such decisive words.That person was submissive and nodded slowly. Aren't you going out together? No, it's okay, I'll just stay here.I smiled and said: Because I am the most relaxed staying here. After finally driving him out of the waiting room, I felt a little relieved, so I leaned on the bench again and closed my eyes as if they were sore.From the eyes of others, I must be an old woman who is pretending and immersed in delusions.However, this is the easiest way for me.Play dead.When I think of this word, I feel ridiculous.However, gradually I began to worry.Everyone has secrets.The feeling of someone whispering nasty things in my ear makes me uneasy.Suddenly there was a chill down my spine, maybe this little pimple also made my hairs stand on end for a while, I was shocked to realize that it shouldn't be?Didn't that person's tenderness and lack of self-confidence start from the time when the pimple appeared?That's when I first felt ridiculous, and I wasn't the first woman to be that guy.Strongly aware of this point, suddenly restless.I was cheated!This is marriage fraud.Such excessive words suddenly appeared in my mind.I really want to chase him out and beat him up. What an idiot I am.Although he knew this fact from the beginning, he only found out that it was not the first time for that person, and it was too late to save the unbearable pain and regret.The woman before me suddenly came to my heart with vivid colors. This is really the first time that I have started to fear and hate that woman. I have never thought about that woman before, and I can swallow my anger for myself , I am so sorry that even tears will flow out.I feel so painful, maybe this is the so-called jealousy?If so, envy is a hopeless frenzy, and a frenzy limited to the flesh.Not beautiful at all, just downright ugly.In this world, there is a nasty hell that I don't know about, right?I don't want to live anymore. Feeling miserable, he hastily untied the Furoshiki on his lap, took out a novel, flipped through it randomly, and started reading from the opened page.The title of the book is Madame Bovary.Emma's painful life has always been a great comfort to me.I think the path of depravity like Emma's is the most suitable and natural way for women.Just like water flowing downhill, the body will age as a matter of course.That's the nature of women.Has an unspeakable secret.Because that is the innate ability of women.Every woman must guard a quagmire.This couldn't be more clear.Because, for a woman, every day is the whole of her life.This is different from men, she will not think about things after death, nor will she think about it, she is only willing to complete the beauty of every moment and indulge in the feelings of life.Women love tea bowls and collect kimonos with beautiful patterns, because these are the real value of being a woman.To act every moment is to live in the moment.Other than that, what else can I ask for?The profound reality completely suppresses women's immorality and detachment. If women can frankly express these desires with their bodies, I don't know how relaxed and happy it would be. But for the unfathomable devil in a woman's heart, who would I don't want to touch it, and I pretend not to see it, so many tragedies happen.Perhaps, only the profound reality can really save us from the sea of ​​suffering. (②A square cloth towel traditionally used to wrap items in Japan. ③A representative work of the French writer Flaubert, in which the heroine Emma, ​​after becoming Madame Bovary, embarks on a path of self-destruction due to constant derailments.) A woman's heart, a sea needle.Some people think about other men as if nothing happened the day after they get married.People's hearts are unpredictable, so don't take it lightly.The difference between men and women was decided at the age of seven, and the instruction of my ancestors suddenly hit my chest with a terrifying sense of reality, and I suddenly realized it.The so-called ethics in Japan are so powerful and realistic that I was so shocked that I almost fainted.It turns out that everyone has already understood all this.Since ancient times, the swamp has clearly existed. Thinking about it this way: I feel comfortable in my heart and feel relieved. Even though there are such ugly little bumps all over my body, I am still an attractive Obasan. Embracing this abundance, I felt a smile that wanted to pity myself from the bottom of my heart, and I opened the book again to continue reading.Now it is Rudolph who caresses Emma's body gently and whispers sweet words. As I read it, a completely different and wonderful idea emerges, which makes me laugh out loud.What would happen to the story if Emma had a pimple at this time?To come up with such strange fantasies, no, this is a very important thought!I started to think about it seriously.Emma will definitely refuse Rudolph's temptation.Then, Emma's fate will change completely.That's right.She will definitely refuse it outright.Because there is no other way.In this way, the story will not end in a comedy.Because the fate of a woman depends on the hairstyle, kimono color, sleeping position and some subtle physical conditions at that time, it is said that when the nanny wanted to sleep, she angrily strangled the noisy child behind her to death.Especially a little bump like this, I don't know how it will reverse the fate of a woman and rewrite the entire romance. What should I do if such a small pimple unexpectedly develops on the night before the wedding ceremony and spreads to the chest and limbs before I can react?I think it's possible for this to happen.It is really difficult to prevent small bumps, and everything can only be left to fate.It feels like God's malice. Excitedly at the pier in Yokohama, welcoming the return of her husband whom she had not seen for five years, waiting anxiously, at this moment, a purple swelling appeared on the important part of her face, and between touching her fingers, this happy young lady It has turned into a rock that makes people not want to take a second look.There will be such tragedies.Men may not care about this, but women are born to live on the skin.A woman who denies it is definitely a liar.Although I don't know Flaubert very well, I feel that he is a thoughtful and pragmatic person.When Rudolph tries to kiss Emma on the shoulder (don't do it, the clothes will wrinkle!) Emma refuses.Since there are such meticulous and meticulous descriptions, why no one writes about the pain of women facing skin diseases?It may be a very incomprehensible pain for men!In other words, Flaubert has already seen through it, but considering that this is too unhygienic and not romantic at all, he pretends to be ignorant and keeps a respectful distance.However, when it comes to keeping a respectful distance, the more I think about it, the more treacherous I feel, too treacherous!The night before the wedding, or when I reunited with someone I haven't missed in five years, I didn't expect to make trouble with ugly little bumps. If it were me, I would rather die, or run away from home and degenerate myself.Because women live by the joy of beauty even for a moment.Whatever happens tomorrow? When the door opened gently, the man showed a little face like a chinchilla, and asked me with his eyes: Is it your turn yet? I waved lightly and rudely. Hello!Because I heard my vulgar and sharp voice, I shrank my shoulders instinctively, and said in a low voice as much as possible: Hello!It doesn't matter what will happen tomorrow, don't you think that I am very feminine? what are you talking aboutSeeing his bewildered look, I couldn't help laughing. My expressive ability is very poor, don't you understand?It's okay, I always feel that people seem to be weird when I sit in a place like this.It seems that I should no longer live in such an abyss. I am very fragile and easily affected by the air around me and get used to it.I've grown rough, my heart has grown impoverished and depraved, and it's as if I've said halfway, and suddenly I don't want to say any more.In fact, what I want to say is whore. This is something that women can never say. A woman must experience troubles caused by thinking about this word once in her life.When you lose confidence, you will definitely think of it.I was vaguely aware that my heart had turned into a ghost after growing such a small pimple.截至目前為止，我一道說自己是醜女、醜女，來偽裝完全沒自信的狀態，然而，其實我只把自己皮膚的狀態看作是唯一的驕傲，細心地呵護它。 以上如你所見的，我自負的謙虛、謹慎、順從，意外地都是些不中用的贗品。我察覺到自己是個單憑知覺、感觸而一喜一憂，如同盲人般活著的可憐女人，不管知覺、感觸有多麼敏銳，那只不過是生物本能，根本和睿智扯不上關係。我清楚地明白自己只是個愚鈍的白癡。 其實，一直以來是我錯了。將自己的知覺想成是多麼崇高無可取代，誤以為是聰明，悄悄地寵愛自己。結果，只是個愚昧無知的笨女人。 我想了很多很多。我其實是笨蛋。我是徹底的瘋了。 別逼自己，我明白妳說的。那個人好像真的瞭解我，露出會意的笑容回答。 喂，輪到我們了。 護士招呼我們，進入診療室，解開腰帶，露出肌膚，瞥見自己的乳房，我看到了石榴，比起坐在我面前的醫生，站在後面觀看的護士，更讓我痛苦萬分。醫生是不會有人的感覺。我也記不清楚他的臉。醫生也不把我當人看待，只是摸摸這裡，又摸摸那裡，慢條斯理地說著： 是食物中毒。是不是吃了什麼不對勁的東西？ 這種病治得好嗎？那個人替我問。 sure. 我感覺自己好像待在另一個房間，聽他們的對話。 一個人，抽抽噎噎地哭泣很討厭，實在看不下去了。 很快就會好的，打支針就沒事了。醫生說完，便站了起來。 單純的過敏症狀嗎？那個人又問。 That's right.打完針之後，我們離開了醫院。 手這邊已經好多了。我伸出雙手在陽光下檢視著。 開心了嗎？被這麼一問，突然感到很不好意思。