Chapter 14 Fourteenth psychological consultation

Sorry, doctor, I canceled twice in a row, but I really appreciate your understanding.You called to see me last week, and honestly, I was blown away that a therapist would do something like this.So considerate. After my last treatment, I needed to be on my own for a while.Depending on the situation, I finally fell into the low tide stage, or more accurately, I was covered by the low pressure.And it's not lightly covered.The low air pressure is like a vicious woman, not only pulling me, but also beating me softly, and finally sitting on my buttocks to prevent me from getting up again.I had mixed feelings about the baby's death. I didn't say anything about it to anyone. The police wanted the facts anyway. And I refused to discuss her story with reporters.Most people know how to avoid her topics. I guess people nowadays are not too bold, but occasionally a stupid reporter will ask random questions.

Sometimes, I suspect that people don't ask because they think it's unlikely that I love that kind of flesh and blood.When I first came home, I was staying at my mother's house, and one afternoon I overheard her whispering to Aunt Vale in the kitchen.My aunt mentioned my baby, and my mother interjected, "Yeah, it's sad when a baby dies, but it's probably luck in the end." Fortunately?How much I wanted to rush into the kitchen and scold her, but I didn't know where to start.I covered my ears with the pillow and cried until I fell asleep. I felt like a false saint, convincing everyone that he murdered children and that I was the innocent victim, while I knew in my heart that I was to blame for her death.Yes, you talked to me about it on the phone, and I liked the article you emailed me about survivorship guilt.I think it makes sense, but I still think that it would be too easy for people who apply this principle to themselves.No matter how many books I read and how many articles I read, I have already found myself guilty of failing to care for a child.

You suggested that I write to the little baby, but I took out the pen and paper, sat down at the kitchen table, and could only stare blankly at the blank paper.After sitting for a few minutes, I turned to look at the plum tree outside the window, admire the scenery of hummingbirds circling the hanging pots of sugar water, and then turn my eyes back to the white paper.In the early stages of pregnancy, I always regarded her as a monster, but now those thoughts are gnawing at my heart, does she feel my viciousness in the womb?I try my best to recall the happy times of mother and daughter, and avoid the cause of her death, but unfortunately my head just refuses to cooperate, reminiscing about the scene of that night over and over again.Finally I stood up and made a cup of tea.The damn pen and paper are still on the kitchen table.I'm sorry I can't seem to express my apologies enough.

In the first few days after the last consultation, I cried and cried, and even a little thing could make me burst into tears.For example, when I take Emma for a walk in the forest, the heartache will suddenly come on, so violent that I can't stand upright.Once when I was walking, I heard what seemed to be a baby crying on the trail. When I turned my head, I saw a little crow on the fir tree.The next thing I know I'm lying on my stomach in the middle of the trail, grabbing mud with my hands, weeping against the ground, and Emma nuzzles my neck, trying to wash my face. Afterwards, I sprinted home, as if running would put my heartache behind me.The thumping of the feet on the ground sounds pleasant and solid.Emma led the run, the dog ring jingled, and it was another joy I'd forgotten about when we jogged and had fun.Now I go out for a run every day, sweating all over, and the only thing I think about is breathing.

A week after his last session, Luke called.He used to leave a message, telling me to call back anytime he wanted, but I never called back.He stopped leaving messages, but he still calls every few weeks, but I never answer.It's been about a month since my last call, a few days before I saw him with the girl at the supermarket.I thought he wouldn't try again. I was downstairs in the laundry room, running around to find the wireless extension when the phone rang.As soon as I saw his number on the caller ID, my heartbeat, which was already accelerating, almost broke the watch. I almost put the microphone back on the charging stand, but my finger was already on the call button, and he said: Hello?I just knew I pressed the call button.Until he said: Annie?I just realized that I didn't answer for a long time.

Hi. You answered.I thought you wouldn't let him stop, I knew it was my turn to say some kind words like nice to hear from you. I am doing laundry.Say so?Wouldn't it be easier to simply lie to him that I was going to the bathroom. Are you bothering me? No, uh, yes, but it doesn't matter, I'll wash it later. I saw you a few weeks ago and wanted to call, but I didn't know if you would answer. did you see me You were about to leave the supermarket, I chased after you, but unfortunately you left in such a hurry.My face is hot.Damn, he saw me leaving the supermarket. I waited to bring up the girl and he wouldn't, so I asked: Really?I didn't notice you.I was just rushing to buy something and it didn't sell in the store.

We were silent for a while, and then he said: What about you?How's it going?I've been looking forward to seeing your signboard in someone's yard.I resisted the urge to be sarcastic so as not to say: The last time I put up a sign on someone else’s lawn to open a house for sale was the time I was kidnapped.I know he didn't mean to expose my scars. You may have to wait a while longer. I miss driving by your sign. Your lucky four-leaf clover makes me smile every time.I use the lucky four-leaf clover as a symbol, and print it on the signs, business cards and car doors, indicating Anne.O'Sullivan had the luck of the Irish.My advertiser has a lucky catchphrase.Now, it seems ironic enough.

I'll talk about it another day or maybe I'll do something else.Like jumping off a bridge. No matter what line of work you do, you can do it impressively.But if you want to go back to the industry, you can definitely get started right away.You are good at real estate. The performance did not always meet my expectations of myself, and it also fell short of my mother's ideals.From the moment I entered the housing agency industry, she always used the advertisements of other agencies in the town to tell me why I didn't sell such a house.Moreover, my performance is not as good as Christina's.One of the main reasons I got into this business in the first place was her.After high school, I worked a string of shitty jobs as waiter, cashier, secretary.Later, I found a job I liked, working as an advertisement typesetting officer in a newspaper, but unfortunately the salary was not much.In my late thirties, I got tired of living in poverty.Christina and her cousin Tammy made a lot of money. I was jealous when I saw it, and my mother never forgot to remind me.Well, I also want to drive a fancier car.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist recently.Wow, first using laundry as a shield, now resorting to psychotherapy I just want to change the subject, not real estate. Very good!Yeah, now I can pee better during the day and eat when I'm hungry.And, before I started mentioning my daughter's death, the frequency of the sleeper closet had dropped to two or three times a week.It was really good.But I swallowed these sarcasm back. He only called because of his kindness. Why should I deceive myself?I really need to see a psychiatrist. are you still thereThen he said with a sigh, Damn it, it's my fault, Anne.I've said everything I shouldn't have said, right?

No, no, I can't blame you, it's just, uh, something on my mind.What about your restaurant?how is your business? We have a new menu.You should find time to come and sit down.The new menu seems to be very popular with customers. We continued to chat about the restaurant. Although the content was similar to the usual gossip, it gave me a strange feeling, as if I had entered a surprise room in a children's playground. The scene was distorted by a distorting mirror, and no one knew which door to open. Safety.I drove the dangerous one. Luke, I should have apologized to you for what happened that day.The first time you came to see me in the hospital, I shouldn't treat you with that attitude.the reason is

annie. The guy who kidnapped me, he told me something, and anne I only found out the truth later.After I refused to see Luke a few times, my mom wanted to know why.She later told me that instead of finding someone new, Luke and Christina held a fundraiser at his restaurant to raise money for the search and rescue operation until a week before I went home.My mother also said that the police interrogated Luke for a few days, but luckily Luke could prove that he was in the restaurant when the incident happened.She said that even after the police released him, many people still looked at him with colored eyes, believing that he could not get rid of the relationship. I remember the pervert frantically lying to me that Luke had another girlfriend. I reacted so violently, but the reality was that he was not only being falsely accused, but also continued to work hard to save me.I should at least meet him and say thank you. I said: I'm all to blame for making your visit scene so stiff. annie!Shh, it's okay, you don't have to apologize.But I must apologize. Later, I had no idea how to explain the day when you came to visit me at my mother's house.I had only been out of the hospital for two weeks, and that day at my mother's house, I was taking a nap in the room where I was a child, and I heard the loud voices in the kitchen, so I staggered out and told her and Wayne to keep quiet. My mother, with her back to me, was standing by the stove, cooking a big pot of something, and there was a man next to her, also with her back to me.She feeds the man with a spoon, and the man bows his head.I stepped back to the room, but the door creaked, and it was Luke who turned around to look. I heard my mother say from a distance: Great, you got up just in time!Luke had just tasted my Spaghetti Surprise Sauce, and he begged me for the recipe to take it back to the restaurant and try it out.But I told him that if you want to try it, you can, provided that it is named after me.Her unrestrained laughter drifted into an air already filled with oregano, basil, tomato sauce, and tension. Luke's earnest face, one of my favorite qualities, was now white with shock at the sight of me.He'd visited me in the hospital and must have seen my picture in the papers, but I'd lost a few pounds since I came back and must've looked even shrunken in one of Wayne's old jogging suits.I have dark circles under my eyes and I haven't washed or brushed my hair for a few days.Of course, Luke's appearance is more handsome than my impression. The white shirt on his body can better set off the bronze color of his forearm skin, and it can't hide his thick chest muscles.His hair was longer than it had been before the incident, and it was disheveled and shone in the bright kitchen lights. I brought you flowers, Annie.He waved at the counter.The vase on the counter top is full of bouquets of roses.pink roses. I planted the roses for you and added water, Annie Bear.Mom squinted at the roses. The movement of squinting was so subtle that outsiders couldn't detect it, but I knew it at a glance.She is judging this bouquet and thinks her own flowers are better. I said: Thanks, Luke.so beautiful. For the next few seconds, what felt like hours, the only sound in the kitchen was the simmering simmering of pasta, and then stepfather Wayne swaggered in and tapped Luke on the shoulder. Luke!It's great that you're here, boy.Do you want to stay for dinner? Mom, Wayne, and I watched Luke blushing.He looked at me and said: If Annie of course?Annie wants you to stay, Wayne said.Well, having a friend come to see her is of course good or bad for her.Before I could veto or approve, Wayne had already put his arms around Luke's shoulders and led him out of the kitchen.there's something i want to hear from you Leave mom and me staring at each other.Mom, he's coming, why didn't you warn me? How do I warn?You never leave the room.Her steps were slightly bumpy, and she pressed one hand on the counter. Now I see that Ma Ni's face is not only reflecting the red light of the fire.Her eyelids droop slightly, always lower on the right side.My eyes found what they were looking for in the back of the spaghetti sauce jar, but a glass of vodka was within reach and I guessed. During the days when I was missing, I found that my mother's trance had bottomed out again.Only two or three days after I got home, I came out of my bedroom, smelling burnt, and found a plate of what looked like peanut butter cookies in the oven, and Mom lay unconscious in front of the TV.The TV was replaying my interview: I had just been released from the hospital and I wasn't supposed to be talking to anyone.I tilted my head so that my hair covered my face and out of the way of the camera.I went over and turned off the TV. Her pink dressing gown, which she liked to pronounce in a particularly broken French, was left open, revealing the neck and the top half of her small breast.She has always been proud of her skin. There are not many parts that don't make her proud, but I have noticed that her skin is showing signs of wrinkling. She was holding a bottle of vodka, the first sign of a worsening alcoholism.She used to at least mix drinks and dilute the alcohol.She probably just fell asleep accidentally, because the cigarette sandwiched between her plump lips was still smoking, and the ash at the end was nearly three centimeters.I stood in the living room, and the ash shook and fell on her chest.The red light of the cigarette was like a cherry, and it gradually approached her lips. I stared in a daze, and finally reached out to pick the cigarette.Instead of touching her, I just bent over to blow the ashes off her chest, dumped the whole tray of burnt cookies, and lay back on the bed.I thought, now that I'm home, her drinking should improve in a while. Time travels back to the present.Standing in the kitchen, she caught a glimpse of my gaze fixed on the wine glass, so she walked over to block my gaze and provoked me with her eyes, expecting that I would not dare to say anything. You are right.Feel sorry.Don't waste your time talking to her. Since I couldn't think of a slick excuse to get away, I had to serve her dinner while trying to avoid Luke's eyes.He stretched out his hand to catch the hot bowl in my hand. I immediately thought of how warm his hand was, and then thought of the claws of the pervert. After thinking about it, the bowl dropped.Luke's reaction was quick, and he caught the bowl before it hit the table, but unfortunately, his mother still noticed it. Are you all right, Annie Bear? I nod, but I'm not at all well.I sat down across from Luke and tossed the pasta on the plate with a fork.The clock above my head reminded me that it was not time to eat, and I was not allowed to eat now, and my empty stomach was sealed. During dinner, while stepfather Wayne was busy detailing the latest business opportunity to Luke, Mom interjected to ask Luke if he had tasted her homemade garlic bread with fresh parsley?Oh, by the way, did she mention that she grows her own parsley?Wayne chimed in, then paused for a mouthful of pasta.Mom was in the middle of the conversation, explaining the secret to the perfect spaghetti sauce, touching Luke's arm every twenty seconds, and smiling encouragingly when he asked a question. After the other people's plates were all empty, everyone's eyes focused on my full plate, and everyone was speechless for a while.Then Wayne said: Anne is doing much better.Everyone looked at him, and I thought, better than what? Luke said: Roland, it's really delicious.You are right, the noodle sauce in our restaurant is too far behind. Mom touched his arm and said: I'll just say it.If you treat me well, I can show you a few more stunts.Another bold smile. It would be my pleasure if you could share the recipe with me, but now I want to have a few words with Annie alone, can I?He turns to me.My blood froze in my veins at the thought of being alone with Luke, and my lips obviously froze, too, because I couldn't say: No, really, really not. I wasn't the only one who was surprised.Mom and Wayne looked up at the same time, acting like puppets hanging from the same set of wires.My mother was still on Luke's arm with one hand, but when she heard this sentence, she seemed to be burned, so she quickly withdrew her hand. Alright, I'll start cleaning the kitchen right now.Seeing no one stop her, she had no choice but to push back the chair, moving so fast that it scratched the plastic carpet.She picked up some dinner plates.Wayne got up to help.After the two of them entered the kitchen, I heard Wayne say to her that it would be better to give the child a little privacy, and suggested going outside with her to smoke.Her response came faintly and didn't sound very happy, but it wasn't long before I heard the kitchen back door open and close and the two of them walking outside to the balcony.The dining area and the balcony are separated by a sliding glass door, which is now open, and I see my mother peeking in hastily. She finds me watching and quickly looks out of my sight. I continued to twist the noodles with the fork.Then Luke tapped my foot under the table and cleared his throat.The fork fell into the plate with a clang, splashing ketchup all over me.To make matters worse, his white shirt appeared to be spattered with blood. I jumped up and grabbed a handful of tissues, but Luke leaned in and took my arms. It's just pasta, it doesn't matter.I stared down at the place where he held my hand, trying to break free of his grip.He let go instantly.hateful.I'm sorry, Annie. I rubbed my arms up and down. Can't I even touch you? I blinked and blinked, trying to hold back the tears, but when I saw his tears glisten, one of my tears fell.With a snap, I sat back in my seat. I just can't help it, it's not the time yet. He begged me to explain to him with his eyes, to share his thoughts with him as usual, but I couldn't say it. I'm just trying to help you out, Annie, I feel so useless.Is there anything I can do to help? No!The words sounded fierce with anger, and his face flinched, as if he had been punched by me.He couldn't help, and neither could anyone.This fact made me hate him at one moment and hate myself for thinking it at the same time. His lips twisted into a regretful smile.He shook his head and said: I really look like an ass, don't I?I'm wishful thinking, if we could just talk, I could understand Enduring the heartache, I wanted to hurt him wholeheartedly.You can't understand.You will never understand. Yes, you are right, I probably can't help it, but I want to try. I just want to be alone.Those words lingered between us like flies, hovering over the wreckage of an old relationship.He nodded and stood up.I shouted in my heart, I'm sorry, I take it back.I did not do it on purpose.Please don't go. But he had already pushed open the glass door, thanked my mother for cooking dinner, and said he was going back to the restaurant to work and ask her for the recipe another day.His tone was very polite, very polite.I sat blushing, soaked in shame, soaked in regret. Then, standing at the gate, with one hand on the doorknob, he turned and said: I'm sorry, Anne.The sincerity in the tone hurt me deeply, to the depths where I thought I had been paralyzed.I turned around and left, unwilling to see his handsome figure and friendly attitude, stepped into the corridor, walked past him, and didn't even have the grace to meet his eyes.From my bedroom, I heard the front door close and then his truck drive away.If it were me, I would be so angry that I would drive away, but he just drove away slowly.leave lonely. Now, a few months later, he interrupts me on the phone and says: Please stop apologizing, Annie.You don't have to apologize to anyone, let alone owe me anything.It's my fault, I shouldn't be reckless to go to your house to see you.I was too impatient.After that day, I kept beating myself up so much that I stopped calling you.I know you will blame yourself. I'm so mean to you. You have the right to be fierce because I was too thick that day, so I tried to keep my distance later.You don't want to talk to me yet, do you?I won't be offended if you don't want to talk.I promise.It is often like this between us that he will say I love you, and even after a year of dating, I still refuse to say I love you back, just say, promise? I really want to talk to you, but I can't talk about the case. You don't have to talk.Otherwise, I will make a call occasionally, and you can answer if you want to chat, and we can talk about topics you like.Is this okay?I don't want to be too impatient like last time. Can.I mean, I try my best, I want to try it out.Now it's just the psychiatrist and Emma talking to me, and I'm getting a little bored.He smiled lightly, cutting through the atmosphere of confrontation. And then we talked about Emma, ​​and about his black Labrador, Diesel.After chatting for a while, he finally said: Let's talk in a few days, okay? Don't make it your obligation to call. No, don't force yourself to answer the phone. I will not. Doc, he called me the next day and again this Monday, brief, casual chat, mostly about his restaurant and our dog, but I still don't know how I feel.I like to talk to him on the phone, but sometimes I feel angry with him.How can he be so kind to me?I don't deserve him to check his head.His goodness makes me love and hate him.I want to hate him.I'm like a wound with a few missing stitches, and every time we talk on the phone, a few stitches break, the skin is open, and I have to stitch it up again. In addition, his kindness made me feel even more stupid, because the main reason I dreaded meeting him was lest he put his hand on me.Just thinking about it makes my armpits sweat.The man closest to me in the world is Luke, how can I be so disgusted with him?In the past, when there were spiders in the sink at my house, Luke would catch them and release them. Why am I afraid of him now?Ridiculous to the extreme.If I can't even get close to Luke, then I'm completely out of order, so I just packed my luggage and moved directly into the attic of the Madman's Manor.