Chapter 37 Volume 5 The Truth Uncovered Chapter 1 Why is light given to those who are suffering?

About three weeks after Mrs Yeobright's funeral, one night, when a ray of light from the silver moon fell directly on the floor of Clem's house in Eldworth, a woman came out of the house. out.She leaned on the gate of the yard, as if to take a breath of fresh air.This pale white moonlight can make an ugly woman beautiful, and now it makes this face that is already beautiful like a flower become like a goddess. She didn't stay there long when a man came up the path and asked her hesitantly, Excuse me, ma'am, how is he doing tonight? He is better, but not very well, Humphrey, replied Eustacia.

Is he still out of his mind, ma'am? No, he's sober now. Is he still talking nonsense about mother, poor thing?Humphrey continued to ask. Still talking, but less gibberish.She replied in a low voice. It's a pity, ma'am, that Johnny kid told him what his mother said when she died, that she was heartbroken and abandoned by her son.That's enough to make any living man very disturbed. Eustacia said nothing, but she convulsed slightly in her breath, as if one were tempted to speak but could not; and Humphrey declined her invitation, and left without entering the room. Eustacia turned, and entered the house, to the front bedroom, where a shaded lamp was burning.Clem was lying on the bed. He was pale, haggard, sleepless, tossing and turning, his eyes were red, as if the fire in the eyeballs had burned the whole eyeballs red.

Is that you, Eustacia?he asked as she sat down. Yes, Clem.I went to the gate for a while.The moon is so beautiful, and there is no wind at all. Is it bright?What does the moon mean to a man like me?Just let it shine and let everything go, I'm out of sight and out of sight!Eustacia, I know not what to look at; my thoughts pierce me like swords.Oh, if there's any man who wants to be famous for painting the saddest picture in the world, let him come here. How do you say that? I can't help thinking that I killed her with my own hands. Don't say that, Clem. Yes, that's what it is; don't come to comfort me!My behavior towards her was so disgraceful that I didn't initiate anything; there was no way she would forgive me.Now she is dead!It would have been a lot easier if I had just shown that I would make it up with her soon, and I did, and she died.But I have never been near her house, so she has never been near me, and I don't know how much I want her to come. All this disturbs my peace.She didn't know that I was coming to her that night because she was completely unconscious and couldn't understand me.How nice it would be if she came to see me!I long for her to come.But no longer possible.

Eustacia could not help uttering from the bottom of her heart that thrilling sigh which always shocked her like a fatal blow.Yet she said nothing. But Yeobright was so absorbed in the painful self-reproach which gave him such wild thoughts that he did not notice Eustacia's strangeness.During his illness, this was what he kept nagging about.After the boy told what he had heard of Mrs. Yeobright's unfortunate last words, uttered at a moment when they were misunderstood, which had given him so much grief to hear, it was now added that despaired.Then grief overwhelmed him completely, and he longed for death like a farmer longs for the shade to rest in the field.Such a man in the midst of an extremely distressed situation is really a portrayal of sudden compassion.He was constantly bemoaning his failure to go to his mother's house in time, because it was an irreparable mistake, and he always felt that he was being led astray by a devil, and he didn't realize that since she didn't come, To see him, then it is his duty to see her.He begged Eustacia to agree with his self-reproach; but she, tormented with secrets she dared not confess, said she had nothing to say, and he said it was because you knew nothing of me. Mother's character.If you ask her to forgive, she will forgive you any time; but I seem to her to be a stubborn bad boy, which makes her stubborn too.Not stubborn, she's a proud and reserved person, that's all. Yes, I can understand why she ignored me for so long.She is waiting for me.I daresay she has said a thousand times in her grief how he has repaid me for all this sacrifice I have made for him!I have never returned to her side!It was too late when I went to see her.I just can't take it when I think about it!At times he was in such a state of utter self-reproach that, if he could have shed tears of pure sorrow, to relieve his pain, he had no tears.In this case, when he lay in bed, he tossed and turned in agony, not physically fevered but confused by thinking.In this state of mind, he said one day, as long as I could be sure that she didn't think I was resentful and died, it would be better to get such affirmation than to hope to go to heaven.But this is beyond what I can do.

You are too hard on yourself to get to this tormenting despair, said Eustacia. Other men's mothers die too. That doesn't make me any less guilty.Besides, the circumstances of my mother's death saddened me more than her death.I was guilty of doing this to her, and I am unforgivable on this point. I think she is guilty of you. No she didn't.I admit guilt; perhaps all the blame should fall on my head! I think you'll think it over before you say that, replied Eustacia, no doubt a single man has a right to blame himself as much as he likes to do; but a man who has When a man who has lost his wife wants to pray to God for punishment, he must think that this is a matter involving two people.

I was very much distressed, and did not understand what you meant, replied the poor man, that a voice called to me day and night, and you also helped kill her.But I have to admit, I hate myself, and maybe I'm not doing you justice in this case, my poor wife.Forgive me, Eustacia, for I don't even know what I'm doing. Eustacia has been eager to avoid the look of her husband in this situation, and it has become a kind of judgment on her, like Judas Iscariot. 】Looking at Jesus being judged.A vision looms before her eyes: the ghost of a gaunt woman knocking at a door she cannot open; she tries to avoid the thought.But for Yeobright himself, there is no harm in being able to speak out about his regretful state of mind, because if he keeps silent, he will suffer greater torture in his heart, sometimes leaving him in a state of tension and worry for a long time In the midst of his mood, this kind of gnawing thought is simply draining the energy of a person, so it is extremely necessary to let him pour out everything in his heart aloud, so that his grief may be gained by some effort. a degree of relief.

Not long after Eustacia had gone out to look at the moon, she heard light footsteps outside the door. She went downstairs and saw Thomasy coming. Ah, Thomasy!Thank you so much for coming tonight, seeing her in the house Clem said, here I am, look.I've become such a wretch that I just want to keep my friends out of sight, including you pretty much. You can't avoid me, dear Clem, said Tomasy earnestly, her voice so soft that it was like a breath of fresh air into the black cells of Calcutta for a man in pain.No matter what happens to you, it won't scare me away or keep me from getting close to you.I've been to your house before, but you don't remember it at the time.

No, I don't remember; I'm not mad, Thomasy, I'm not mad at all.If people say so, don't believe it.I'm just heartbroken for what I've done; it makes me look like I'm crazy because of the extreme weakness.But my sanity is still clear.If I were really out of my mind, do you think I would remember my mother's death so clearly?I haven't had such luck.Two and a half months, Thomasy, during the last part of her life, my poor mother lived in solitude, disturbed and saddened by me; yet I did not see her, though I lived near her Only six miles.Seventy-five full days in two and a half months, the sun rose and set, and saw her in such a lonely state that not even a dog can live such a life!Poor people who don't see her so often come to take care of her, and if they know she's sick and lonely, they'll come to see her; Like a nasty villain.If God speaks justice, let him kill me immediately.He nearly blinded me in both eyes, but that wasn't enough.Even if He punishes me with more pain, I will always believe in Him!

Hush, shush!Oh please don't, Clem, don't, don't say that!Thomasy cried out, sobbed with fear, and shed tears, while Eustacia, at the far end of the room, writhed restlessly in her chair, though her pale face remained calm. body.Climb ignored his cousin and continued talking. However, I do not deserve even further punishment from God.Thomasy, do you think she understands me?At the time of her death, didn't she mistakenly think that I didn't forgive her?What exactly she was thinking, I really don't know.If only you could convince me of that!Do you think so, Eustacia?tell me.

I think I can tell you with certainty that she ended up understanding better.Thomasy said.The pale Eustacia said nothing. Then why doesn't she come to my house?I would just let her in and let her know how much I still love her no matter what happened.But she never came; I didn't see her, and she died in the moor like a kicked animal, and no one helped her until it was too late.If you saw her like that, Thomasy, as I saw her, a poor dying woman, lying on the ground in darkness all around, moaning, with no one around, she believed herself completely overwhelmed by the whole world Abandoned, all this will make you feel heartbroken, even a wild animal will be moved by this scene.This poor woman is my mother!No wonder she said that to that little boy, you see a woman with a broken heart.She must be in an extremely painful situation to say such words!Who else but me could have caused all this?It was all horrific and unimaginable, and I wish I could have been punished more severely than I am now.According to them, how long have I been unconscious?

I think it's been a week. And then I'm quiet? Yes, four days. Now I can't keep calm anymore. But you've got to try to calm down: please, you'll be strong in a while.If you can get yourself out of this dark mind Yes, yes, he said impatiently, but I don't want to be strong.What is the use of my body recovering?It would be better for me if I were dead, and it must be better for Eustacia.Is Eustacia there? Yes. Would it be any better for you if I were dead, Eustacia? Don't make me answer questions like this, Clem. Yes, it is really but a very dark supposition; for, unfortunately, I shall live.I can feel myself getting better a little bit.Thomasy, how long are you going to stay in that little inn?Is all that property in your husband's hands now? It may be another month or two; until my illness is completely cured.We can't move until then.I think about a month or so. Yeah yeah.certainly.Alas, Cousin Thomasy, all your troubles will be over in but a month's time, all your troubles will be over, and bring you something to comfort you; but my own troubles will never Get rid of it, and there will never be any relief! Clem, it's so unfair of you to treat yourself like this.You have to believe that my aunt thinks you are good.I know this, and if she had lived, you would have made up with her. But she didn't come to see me, though I begged her before the marriage if she could come.If she had come, or if I had visited her, she would never have said before she died that I was a broken-hearted woman abandoned by my son.The door of my house is always open for her. She is always welcome here, waiting for her arrival.But she never came here to see it. Clem, you'd better stop talking now.said Eustacia feebly from across the room, for the sight before her was becoming more and more intolerable. I can only stay here for a while, let me talk to you, Thomasy said softly, Clem, think about it, you always look at it so desperately.When she said that to the little boy, you hadn't spotted her, and held her in your arms; it might have been said in a poignant moment.It sounded like what my aunt said in a fit of anger.She always says that to me sometimes.Although she didn't come here, I believe she wanted to see you.Can you imagine a man's mother not wanting to forgive him after two or three months?She forgave me; why should she not forgive you? You worked hard to win her forgiveness; I did nothing.I, who would like to teach men the secrets of greater happiness, are no better than the most uneducated man to know how to avoid the calamity before them. Thomasy, how did you get here tonight?asked Eustacia. Damon walked me to the end of the trail.He's driven to East Eden on business, and he'll drop by here to pick me up. It was not long before they heard the rumble of a carriage.Wildoff came, reined the horse outside, and waited in his hansom. Call someone out and tell him, I'll be out in two minutes.Thomasy said. I'll go by myself.said Eustacia. She went out.When Eustacia opened the gate, Wildef had alighted from the carriage and was standing before his horse.It was a moment before he turned around, fully expecting it to be Thomasy.Then he looked up, was slightly taken aback, and uttered a word: Oh? I haven't told him yet.she whispered. Then it's life and death not to tell him the news until he's fully recovered.You are sick yourself. I'm so distressed, Damon, she said, tears welling up in my eyes, I can't tell you how distressed I am!I just can't stand it.I can't tell anyone about my pain, no one knows about it but you. Poor girl!Wildoff said he couldn't help but be moved to see her so sad, and at last he couldn't help but take her hand.It's such a hard thing to do, you didn't do anything, you didn't deserve to be tortured like this, and yet you got entangled in such intricate entanglements.Alas, if only I could save you from all this! But, Damon, please tell me, what should I do?To sit by his side hour after hour, listening to him blaming himself, as if he were responsible for her death, knowing that I was the culprit (well, if anyone could be the culprit), This really drove me into a situation of real despair.I do not know what to do.Should I tell him or not?I keep asking myself this question.Oh, I'm going to tell him; but I'm terribly afraid.If he finds out about it, he'll kill me for sure, because nothing can reconcile his feelings right now.Day after day, as I looked at him, my ears kept ringing, beware of the anger of a patient man. Well, wait patiently for him to recover better, and believe in opportunities.When you want to tell him, you can only say part of it and it's all for his own good. What should I hide? Wildford thought for a moment.Don't say I was at your house at the time.he said in a low voice. Yes; now that all this has been talked about, it must be kept under wraps.It's easier to rush things than to explain them in words after the fact! If only he wanted to die, Wildford murmured. You really think so!Even if I hated him, I wouldn't have such a base desire to get myself out of it.Now I have to go to him.Thomasy wants me to tell you she'll be down in a few minutes.goodbye. She turned away, and in a moment Thomasy appeared.When she sat down in the carriage with her husband and the horse started to walk, Wildoff looked up to the bedroom window.From one window he could make out a pale, sad face watching him drive away.That was Eustacia's face.