Chapter 4 Four

The next morning, I saw the dawn for the first time.It started not with the fanfare of the beauty of the sea that I was expecting, but a weird gray thing, like sunlight through burlap.I looked up to see if Phineas was awake.He was still sleeping, but in the dim light he looked more dead than sleep.The sea looked dead, too, with impassive gray waves hissing on the beach, which was also gray and lifeless. I turned over and tried to sleep again, but couldn't, so I lay flat on my back and looked at the gray sack-like sky.Gradually, like careful practice of one instrument after another, the colors began to pierce the sky like a bonfire.Against the silver-gray rimmed sky, the sea came alive a little.There was a bright light shining on the top of the waves, and beneath the gray surface of the waves I could see the dark green of midnight lurking.The beach shed its deadness and turned a ghostly gray, then more white than gray, then spotlessly white, as pure as the shores of Eden.Phineas is still sleeping on his dunes, he reminds me of Lazarus ], it was the touch of the Lord that revived it.

He woke up slowly.I didn't stare at him for long.For as long as I can remember, I've had a biological clock in my head that keeps ticking.I looked at the sky and the sea and knew it was almost half past six.It takes at least three hours to ride back to Devon.My important quiz, Trigonometry, will be at ten o'clock. Phineas woke up and said: This was the best night of sleep I've ever had. When did you not smell good? The time I broke my ankle playing football.I love the way the waterfront is now.Shall we go for a morning swim? Are you crazy?There is no time now. What time is it?Finny knew I was a living clock.

It's almost seven o'clock. There was still time for a short tour.Before I could speak, he was running across the beach, undressing as he went, and jumping into the sea.I'm waiting for him where I am.After a while, he came back, his whole body was glowing with cold light, but he was still full of energy, and he couldn't stop talking.I have nothing to say.Is the money still there?I asked a question, and suddenly suspected that he had lost the seventy-five cents we shared during the night.After a hopeless search in the sand, the two of us rode back on empty stomachs without breakfast, arriving in Devon just in time for my test.I failed; I knew I couldn't sing when I saw the test paper.This is the first time I have failed a test.

But Feeney didn't give me much time to feel bad about it.There was a lightning ball game after lunch, which lasted almost the whole afternoon, and just after dinner, it was another meeting of the Super Suicide Club in the summer semester. In our room this evening, even though I was exhausted from all the physical activity, I tried to make up my triangle. You work so hard, said Feeney, who sat across from me across the table where we were reading.The lamp cast a yellow circle between us.Your history, English, French, and everything else are all very good.What kind of effort are you still spending on the triangle?

First of all, I have to pass it to graduate. Come on, no one in German is more sure of graduation than you.This is not what you work hard for.You want to be the head of the class, the student representative at the commencement ceremony, so you can give the commencement speech, probably in Latin or some other equally dull language, and be the miracle boy of this school.I don't know you yet? Don't be silly, I wouldn't waste my time on something like that. You never waste your time.That's why I have to waste my time for you. Anyway, I added bitterly, someone must be a student representative.

Look, I knew that was what you came for.He concluded quietly. Pooh! So what.That seems like a really good goal to me.After all, he should have said it.He's won it, he's proudly won the Galbraith Rugby Championship award and the contact sports award, and he's sure to win two or three other sports awards this year or next.If I were the student representative at commencement, and I spoke, and I got a special academic achievement award, then both of us would come out on top, we'd be on par, and that's the whole point.We're on par and here's why!I lifted my eyes from the book and gave him a quick glance.Did he notice my sudden glance over the light?Apparently not; he was still buried in Phineas shorthand to Thomas.Hardy took notes in odd cursive script.that's why!He bowed his head in the light of the desk lamp, and I could make out the tiny bump on his forehead above his eyebrows, a subtle bump usually thought of as a sign of mental ability.Phineas will be the first to have a great intellect and throw it away.But what was on his mind?If I were a student representative and won that honor, we would be on par. His head suddenly raised, and I quickly lowered my head.I stare at the textbook.Take a break, he said, your head will explode if you stay so tense.

You don't have to worry about me, Feeney. I'm not worried. You don't mind if I end up being a student representative if I can't be sure I can control asking this question? mind?He was looking at me with his clear blue-green eyes, and anyway, it was Chet.Douglas, you have a good chance of being one. But you don't mind, right?I repeated in a lower, more distinct voice. He gave me that characteristic sneer which had caused him numerous disputes.I would kill myself with envy. I take his word for it.Jokes are an appearance; I take him at his word.The trigonometry textbook in front of him was blurred into a ball.I can't see anything.My brain exploded.He minded, he despised the possibility of me being a student representative.There was a rapid explosion in my head, one conviction after another, what best friend was being bombarded; The bondage, the absolute dependence on someone, the hope that there was someone in this school and in this world that I could trust, all of that was blown up, too.Chet.Douglas, I'm not sure, definitely wants to be.

My pain is too deep to say any more.I stared at my textbook; I couldn't breathe, as if oxygen was flowing out of the room.Thought after thought flitted through my mind amidst the havoc of the mind, my mind desperately searching for something left to cling to.Absolutely not on the possibility that has been annihilated, only on some little consolation that remains in the ruins. I found it.I found the one and only thought that survived.The idea is that you and Phineas are already on par.You two are equal as rivals.You are both calmly charging forward for your own sake.You do hate him for breaking that school swimming record, so what?He also hates you for getting As in all your subjects except the last one.If it weren't for him, you'd get an A in this class too.

Then a second epiphany emerges as clear and pale as dawn on a beach.Feeney deliberately set a trap to keep me from reviewing.It also explains the lightning balls, and the nightly meetings of the Super Suicide Club, and the way he makes sure to hook me up every time he hangs out.I actually believed his rambling that we were best friends!If I don't go with him, he will look down!Does he instinctively want to share everything with me?Of course he wanted to share everything with me, especially the string of D's in every subject.That's what makes him, a great athlete, better than me.It was all cool deceit, it was all calculated, it was all hostility.

I feel better.Yes, I feel like a sweat of relief after the nausea passes; I feel better.After all, we are equal, not equal as rivals.After all, this deadly hostility works both ways. I became a real student after all.I've always been a good student, even though I'm not like Chet.Douglas was genuinely interested or excited about the learning itself.I have only Chet in front of me.As an opponent of Douglas, I have not only become excellent, but also special.But I began to see that Chet was too clever to be fooled by his cleverness, and that he was too interested in learning.He was often fascinated by certain things; for example, he became so obsessed with the slopes of solid geometry that his trigonometry was almost as bad as mine.We read Candide by Voltaire, which opened up Chet to a new way of seeing the world, so he continued to read a lot of Voltaire in the original French, while the rest of the class studied other things.This is his Achilles' heel, because to me, Voltaire and Molière, or the Act of Proposal and Magna Carta, or misplaced sentiments and Tess, are all as important to me, and I am all of them. Learn without distinction.

Finny didn't understand this at all, because all this academic stuff happened so far ahead of him.In class, he would always sit listlessly in his chair, his alert face showing an expression of rational understanding, following the discussion.When he had to speak for himself, the hypnotic power of his voice combined with his peculiar mind to produce answers that were often incorrect but seldom qualified as wrong.He always failed badly on written tests in which the answers were unspoken, and as a result he always got just passing grades.That's not to say he never worked, because he did, spending hours now and then on a whim.As this crucial summer wore on, Phineas increased his study time as I tightened my demands on myself. I can see the truth.I was more and more definitely the top student in the school; Phineas was without a doubt the top athlete.So, in this sense, we are indistinguishable.But he was very bad at studies and I was pretty good at sports, and when everything was taken into account, the balance definitely tipped in my favor.This new round of hard work was his emergency measure to save himself.I also redoubled my efforts. It's amazing how well we get along these weeks.There were times when I found myself having a hard time remembering his treachery, and other times when I found myself slipping back into adoring him without a second thought.Those unpleasant things are hard to remember, because, with the cold light above our heads, one summer day after another, there is a breath of life in the morning air, something indescribable, an anesthesia of oxygen , a pagan taste of the shining North.A certain smell, a certain emotion, an emotion so hopeful that I would throw myself on my bed, anticipating it.In these intoxicatingly clear mornings full of carnal pleasure, it is difficult to remember the unpleasant; I forget who I hate and who hates me.I want to cry aloud, wail over this helpless joy, over this unbearable hope, over these mornings that are so full of beauty for me.Because I know too much hatred, too much for such a world to hold. Xia Tian continued lazily, no one paid attention to us.One day I found myself describing to Mr. Prudhomme how Phineas and I slept on the beach, and he seemed so interested in it, so interested in all the details, that he Both forgot the business: We definitely violated a basic school rule. No one cares, no one obeys the real discipline imposed on us; we do as we please. August is finally upon us as New Hampshire's summer beauty gathers intensity.It rained lightly for two days at the beginning of the month, and the constant rain made everything finally green.Take the branches of the old trees, half-naked and emaciated, so familiar to us during Devon's winter term, and now they seem about to snap off in a storm of leaves.Little patches of inconspicuous land reveal their true colors, and they have always been gardens.The gymnasium is surrounded by bushes that cannot be named, and the river suddenly changes color.There is an underlying freshness in the air, as if spring has returned to midsummer. But the exam is approaching.I'm not as fully prepared as I'd like to be.The Suicide Society continued to meet every night, and I continued to attend, because I didn't want Finny to figure me out the way I figured him out. I also don't want him to pass me on this one, although I know it doesn't matter if he takes me up the tree or not.Because what's in the heart of a person is what matters.I could already sense that Finny's heart was full of lonely and selfish ambition.No matter who wins all the games, he's no better than me overall. The French test is scheduled for a Friday at the end of August.On Thursday afternoons, Finny and I were in the library reviewing French; I memorized vocabulary, he mixed French and English and wrote notes I didn't care about French, French girls don't wear trousers and hand them notes as memos very seriously I.Of course I haven't reviewed it well.After dinner, I went to our room to review again.Phineas walked in a few minutes later. Rise, he said cheerfully, founding member Senior Overseer!Erwin.Leiper.Lepellier announced that he would jump from that tree tonight in order to qualify for membership and ultimately save his own face. For a moment I didn't quite believe that.Leiper.Lepellier would have been too scared to move on any sinking troop carrier before he had time to jump.It was Finny who pushed him to do it, so that I could blow my exams.I turned away with painstaking resignation, and if he jumped from the tree, I was Mahatma Gandhi. Well, Finny catered to me absent-mindedly.What he did was like new wine in old bottles.OK, let's go.We have to be there.Who knows, maybe this time he really wants to dance. Ah, for heaven's sake.I close my French textbook. What's wrong? What a show!He had a questioning expression on his face, so sincere. study!I growl, learn!You know, textbooks.homework.take an exam. Yes he waited for me to continue, as if he didn't see what I meant. Ah, for heaven's sake!You don't know what I'm talking about.No, of course not.Of course you don't know.I stood up and pushed the chair hard towards the table.OK, let's go.Let's see the timid little Leper dare not jump from the tree and let me fail the exam. He looked at me with interested surprise.Do you want to study? I began to feel a little uncomfortable with his gentle tone, so I let out a heavy sigh.Nevermind, forget about it.I know, I join the club, I go.What else can I do? do not go.He said it in a very simple and casual tone, as if saying goodbye.He shrugged, don't go.Forget it, it's just a game. I was halfway in the room, stopped, and now I just looked at him.What do you mean?I muttered.His meaning was clear, but I was looking for something beyond what he said, what he might be thinking.I almost asked: so who are you?I was faced with a completely unfamiliar face. I didn't know you needed to study, he said simply, I didn't think you did.I thought you were born with it. He seemed to regard my studies as his sports.He probably thinks that anything that a person is good at can be easily mastered without hard work.He still doesn't know that he is unparalleled. I can't speak with a normal voice.If I need to learn, so do you. I?He smiled lightly.Look, I'm going to study forever and never get above a C.But you are different, you are outstanding.You are indeed excellent.If I had a brain like yours, I'd split my brain open and let everyone see it. wait a minute He put his hands on the back of the chair and leaned over to me.I know.We play around here and there, but sometimes you have to get serious and do something serious.If you're really good at something, I mean if no one, or very few people, are as good at it as you are, then you should be serious about it.Don't mess around, please please.He frowned reproachfully at me.Why didn't you say you had to study before?Don't leave this table.You must get As in every subject. wait a minute.I said involuntarily. All right.I'm going to supervise old Lepper, and I know he can't dance.Said he has come to the door. Wait a minute, I said even more sharply, just a moment, I'll go. No, don't go, buddy, you should study. Don't worry about my studies. Do you think you have reviewed well enough? Yes.I let this answer fall flat, preventing him from telling me how I should study.He let it be, walked out the door ahead of me, whistling out of tune. The two of us followed our huge shadow across the campus, and Phineas started talking French so I could get some extra practice.I didn't say a word, and I thought about how big my isolation had become.Compared with it, my previous fear of that tree was nothing.It wasn't my neck that was threatened, it was my epiphany.He never envied me for a moment.Now I understand that there is and will not be any competition between the two of us.I am different from him. I can't stand this.The others were loitering under the tree when we arrived, and Phineas began throwing off his clothes with great motion, and the fading twilight, the challenge of the tree, the competitive tension we all had, He is happy.In moments like these, he is alive and well.Come on, both of us, he called.He suddenly had a new idea.Let's do a tandem dance together!Beautiful, eh? It doesn't matter now; I'll coldly agree with everything he says.He began to climb up the peg, and I climbed after him to the branch of the tree high up on the bank.Phineas walked along the branch for a short distance, holding on to a twig nearby for support.Come a little bit, he said, and we danced side by side.From here, the scenery of the countryside is very pleasant, the sports field is dark green, surrounded by bushes, and the white school stadium looks so small from the other side of the river.Behind us, the last few long rays of sunlight illuminate the campus, accentuating every tiny undulation of the land and highlighting the individuality of each bush. I clung to the tree trunk and took a step towards him. Then, I bent my knees and shook the branches. Finny lost his balance, turned his head sharply, gave me a very surprised look, and then fell sideways. It fell through the thin branches below, and landed on the bank with a sickly, unnatural sound.It was the first clumsy physical movement I'd ever seen him make.With a sort of mindless certainty, I walked along the branch of the tree and jumped into the river, all thought of the fear of it completely out of my mind.