Chapter 11 part two

I didn't think of Niels, or my home, or York, but it didn't help.Not thinking about York doesn't work for me at all because I miss it in a different way.I miss it with my body and my heart, and it hurts. For those who have not had this experience or are not close to animals, it may be difficult to understand that a person can think of a dog and feel heartache.But the bond between humans and animals is more physical than the bond between humans.If you want to get to know a dog, you don't ask how it feels or what it's thinking, you watch it and learn its body language.If you want to express important information to it, it can only be through actions, attitudes, gestures and voices.

If the object is a person, you can reach the other person only through words, and words can easily build a bridge between people. This bridge is responsible for transmitting messages, explanations, and promises.For example, one person can say to another: My birthday is August 26th.This is the message.I'm late because the car won't start.Here are the instructions.I will love you forever.It's a promise.Words between people also have a buffer function. People close to each other often choose to talk about insignificant things instead of talking about things that will make them feel heavy, worried or troubled, just like Aisha shared childhood memories with me , or between couples who are too busy talking about the kids needing new shoes or planning a home extension instead of discussing why they've been mad at each other lately.

There are no bridges or buffers between York and me, there are no shortcuts, detours, or ring roads that touch each other as they are.We can't talk about our relationship, unravel misunderstandings, explain how important each other is.Our lives are separate because of species differences, but at the same time we live side by side, close together, without promises, lies or gossip.When I first entered the unit, whether I thought of York or not, I could feel his shag in the palm of my hand, the rapid heartbeat under the shag, and the cold nose.I can feel its warm tongue on my cheek and smell its breath and fur in my nose.I can hear it and see it: as soon as it sees me, it runs towards me with a short bark, its legs spread out, its head raised gracefully; Beside me, there was a panting sound, and the paws regularly rasped the ground.When I go to bed at night, I can feel its body pressing against my lap; when I wake up in the morning, when I sit up, I will suddenly catch a glimpse of it looking at me expectantly under the bed.These sensual sensations and the feeling that York is still around are immediately replaced by the perception that this is not the case in reality.This realization is usually violent, like punching or stabbing me, and then transforming into a constant, biting pain.

This pain can only be relieved with exercise.As long as you exercise, your body will secrete endorphins, and as long as your body secretes endorphins, all this becomes bearable.Aisha seems to have the same idea, because during the free time in the first few days at the unit, we did not discuss with each other or express similar opinions, and we continued to exercise, but to varying degrees.We went for long walks in the Aceh trails and winter gardens, swam, did gymnastics, did weight training, joined various dance groups like salsa, hip hop, jazz, steps, belly dancing, and tried to keep up with others.In the evening we had dinner at the restaurant in the indoor plaza on the fourth floor, chatting about former classmates, or chatting with other people in the restaurant.This is a new experience for me, just killing time every day, socializing and chatting with other people.I've never looked at time or people this way.I used to value my time and see other people as individuals.I never belittle others, and I don't see others as anonymous people who accompany me.I never valued company for its own sake, nor did I value small talk.I'm only now discovering that small talk has a soothing effect, like icing a sprained ankle for swelling and bruising.It was late at night before Elsa and I went back to our apartment.After a full day of exercising, talking, and killing time, I literally slumped on the bed and immediately fell into a dreamless, dark slumber.Eight hours later, I woke up feeling well rested.With each new morning my intense thoughts of York lessened a little.