Chapter 28 eighteen

After the failed antidepressant experiment, Aisha and I participated in the same scientific experiment for the first and only time.It was a psychological study, and the researchers wanted to find out whether there was a biological or genetic parental instinct, and if so, whether it was the same in both women and men.As unwanted individuals, we are the ideal target group because none of us, like our own parents, has had the physical or emotional experience of raising a child. For the first few days of the experiment, we each sat with our heads covered in a brain-scanning machine, exposing ourselves to a series of sounds, images, and smells, while the scanner measured and recorded brain activity.We accept photos of children of all ages in different situations, baby screams, children laughing, newborn babies crying, babies angry, baby rice flour, talcum powder, baby faces, wet diapers, baby vomit .There are also pictures, noises and smells that represent different threats or dangers, such as hot stoves, cars screeching, fire, smoke, swimming pools, steep stairs, buzzing wasps, grinning and barking dogs, sharp Objects, guns, poisonous substances of all kinds, obscene old men handing candy to young children, child pornography, and many other things.

After the first few days of preparation, the lab work continued with a series of different tests, including multiple-choice questionnaires, discussion groups, acting out the situation for us and recording the responses.The experiment lasted two weeks, and when we arrived in Laboratory Two on the penultimate day, we were a little frightened, or at least I was a little frightened.The highlight of the day was played. The research room was full of live children, about twenty of them, aged between eight months and six years old.We have to play and talk to children and, if necessary, feed them, change their diapers, and change their clothes.

Elsa and I played for hours with a four-year-old girl and a two-and-a-half-year-old boy. We built a hut out of tables, blankets, and cushions. We held a tea party with some dolls. The terrorists fight until they die one by one.Later, the little girl felt that it was not that serious, we were only seriously injured, as long as we put on the OK bandage and wrapped the bandage, we could continue to eat cakes and talk to the puppet.Soon after, our game was interrupted again, because the little boy had a sudden need to urinate, and it was very urgent. Before we had time to take him to the toilet, he peed on his pants, so we had to change him into another dark green one. Pants.The little boy didn't like the dark green trousers and preferred the red trousers he was wearing, so he lost his temper and cried miserably for a while.Later, Aisha came up with an idea, saying that the little boy was actually wearing green army pants, and it was time to fight the terrorists again, and the crying subsided.The boy's name was Oref, and the girl's name was Christine; I think they had a good time.

The next day we were interviewed separately in a small room. We were asked how we felt and how we reacted when we got along with children.The room contained a very simple desk, two chairs, a digital recorder, a TV, and a DVD player.The interviewer was a woman, about my age, very dignified, with calm and steady eyes.Normally, I would find that woman reassuring, but that morning was not the case. The night before that day, I was in a very low mood, with stomach pains and chest pains caused by missing York in the first few months after I joined the unit.I fought my tears, turning my back on Johannes on the bed.He noticed something was wrong with me and tried to comfort me, but to no avail.Of course I didn't want to mention it in the interview, but the psychiatrist who conducted the experiment had seen the records, so the woman who interviewed me knew that I had had an abortion when I was young, and as if that wasn't enough, she actually asked me if I had an abortion when I was young. I had a miscarriage but now I don’t have a child background. How did I feel when I was in contact with children yesterday?I refused to answer and she said:

Dolly, look at this.She hits the DVD play button. Something green appears on the screen that looks like a video shot underwater.My immediate reaction was to see fish, starfish, coral and billowing algae, or divers in rubber suits and oxygen tanks.But after a few seconds, I realized that the video was not filmed at the bottom of the ocean, or at the bottom of a lake or in an aquarium.It was a room, a green bedroom, with two green people lying on a green double bed, and the video was shot by a thermal imaging camera.At first the two were lying still, one with his back to the other, then there were vague sounds, then a whisper, and the whisper said: Dolly?honey, what's the matter?

In that top-down view, I saw Johannes gently turn me to face him, and I heard my own muffled voice turn into words and words, at first interrupted by sobs and indistinct, then It became clearer.All this was clearly recorded.I was amazed by the sound quality of the film, but also found it quite terrifying. The woman stopped the video, turned to look at me, waited calmly without saying a word, and it lasted for a long time.We sat in silence, her hands on her lap, staring at me, stiff as a corpse.I was silent and frozen for a long time, this state ate me up, as if everything inside me was closed, and I became completely empty, and then I was able to mechanically explain how I felt in the game yesterday, and after the game a feeling of.