Chapter 30 Twenty-nine

Another two newspapers sent people to contact me, asking me to write new editions of pornographic stories such as "Pan Jinlian as a Chartered Wife" and "The World of Diao Liushi" for them.I didn't want to abuse myself too much, so I had to politely refuse; but they raised the manuscript fee to fifteen yuan per thousand characters and said a lot of good things. My self-esteem has been restored, and yet it is terribly sad.I have been engaged in serious literature and art work since I was fourteen years old. I have edited pure literature and art supplements, a series of literature and art books, and set up a large-scale publishing house, which has published some of the best literary works since the May Fourth Movement.Now, after coming to Hong Kong, in order to make a living, I had to give up all the efforts of the past 20 or 30 years, and started to use yellow text to earn pride.

My heart is full of contradictions; feelings are extremely complicated.On the one hand, I rejoice because my life is becoming more and more stable; on the other hand, I feel sad because I forced myself to give up my hobby of literature. Writing yellow text does not require any brains, but if the interest is not in it, it will easily become a burden. During the Chinese New Year, Mehman did not meet me.When I received a manuscript from an old writer living in France, I had to go to Mai's house to find Homen. This is a thesis, which studies the theory of the anti-fiction school from the standpoint of a Chinese novelist.

When Mehman saw me, his eyes were full of hostility.I know that there is an emotional barbed wire between us that cannot be removed for now.I handed him the paper written by the old writer, and added these lines: This is an insightful essay, which carefully criticizes the anti-fictional works of Shalote and Du Yasu.The author believes that the anti-fiction school's claim to write about the inner reality of human beings is an extremely valuable view.However, in terms of expressive techniques, for example, the main characters do not have names, and the names of geometry are used to describe the scenery, etc., it seems that they are still in the experimental stage.Even so, their revolutions were not entirely isolated.We can still find traces of Joyce, Gide, Faulkner, and even Sartre in their works.

After saying this, he handed the manuscript to Mai Hemen, who saw the title and flipped through it again.Then put the manuscript on the coffee table. Unable to bear the awkward silence, I asked: The manuscripts for the inaugural issue should be sent out, right? We are still short of one or two solid papers, and the one you have brought here is exactly what the journal needs most. Can the content be maintained at a certain level? The creative part is relatively weak, and several short stories are not up to expectations. Good novels are hard to come by, and as long as they do not suffer from literary childishness, they will have some effect.

Mehman seems to be less enthusiastic about "Avant-Garde Literature" than before, and when he speaks, his tone is as cold as ice. (I should go, I thought.) As he was about to leave, he made this inquiry: I heard from others that you recently wrote pornographic articles for four newspapers. Is this true? some. It's a job that hurts people. I know. Now that you know it, why write it? for life. I'm afraid it's to satisfy my material desires, right? I sighed, not wanting to argue.In fact, if Mehman cannot understand me, no one will understand me.The particularity of Hong Kong society is difficult for those who have not suffered from it to understand.Here, well-educated and talented literati are writing popular texts in order to make a living; but Holmen refuses to understand my difficulties.What else can I say?Except sigh.

Leaving Mai's house, feelings are bleeding. (Maybe wine is a cure for trauma, I thought.) I went into a restaurant. There is a tragedy playing out in me, in which I am the protagonist. God's arrangements are never wrong. Young women must be vain.A beautiful woman must be vain.Poor women are vain.Rich women are more vain. But God wants every man to be ambitious. Ugly men have ambitions.Handsome man has ambition.Poor men have ambitions.Wealthy men are more ambitious. I have lost my ambition.For me, ambition is like a dying candle, which can be extinguished by a breeze blowing through the torn paper window.

A man without ambition will lose all his strengths, I must continue to drink, and at the same time find some false love, pretending it is real. I went to Central to deliver manuscripts, intending to drink some wine, and ended up walking into a Western Bookstore.I was discouraged by literature; but I actually walked into a western bookstore.Penguin Books has published many literary masterpieces.Like Graves' "I, Claudia", V.Woolf's "To the Lighthouse", Thomas.Mann's "Magic Mountain", Joyce's "Dubliners", Moravia's "Roman Tales", Nabugoff's "Short Stories" and so on, are all very cheap, you can buy them for three or four yuan One.In addition, there are many new books, among which there are many excellent works, especially Glansdon's "Foster" and Bell's "Foster's Achievement", which have a very incisive analysis of the author of "To India".

If a woman has a fancy for a favorite piece of clothing, as long as she has enough money in her handbag, she will definitely buy it. If a literature lover sees a favorite book, as long as he has enough money in his pocket, he will definitely buy it. "Foster" and "Foster's Achievement" are not expensive, the former is only five Hong Kong dollars, and the latter is slightly more expensive, only twenty-five yuan. However I didn't buy it. Walking out of the bookstore, I suddenly felt tired after a fight.The devil and the angel fought in my heart, and the devil won.Then, under an orange decorative lamp, I asked the waiter for a glass of whiskey.

(If others cannot forgive me, I must forgive myself.) In the future, the bookstore must be regarded as a forbidden place, and all the literature and art books in the family will be given to Mai Hemen.If Mahomet doesn't want it, he will weigh it and sell it to a second-hand bookstore. I must make up my mind to make a clean break with literature and art.Think of writing as a profession, and think of yourself as a writing machine. There's nothing wrong with that.At the very least, I don't have to worry about not being able to pay the rent, let alone having money to buy alcohol.Although I can no longer understand the value and meaning of life.

I become a parasite.