Chapter 13 Thirteen

When I got home, I lingered in the room for a long time. It was so beautiful to be with Aurelia.She was not there, and I seemed to have fallen into the cold and desolate wilderness, and the heavy pain bit me and whipped me.This mood is abnormal.It stands to reason that I have just been deeply intoxicated in the spring garden, so I shouldn't have such a big psychological change. It soon became apparent to me that this was not only an anomaly, but partly due to a secret insect biting me, and its name was jealousy.No one who has ever been in love has not been bitten by it. Two weeks later, I couldn't help but sigh as I once again immersed myself in the spring garden.

She looked at me suspiciously, and said with a hint of anger but not anger: How strange, why do you prefer to sigh when you are happiest?I really don't understand you! Don't you get angry when I tell you the reason? I've never been offended by your almost faux pas.Don't you get angry with a few words?She glared at me with a smile. I gently stroked her long curly hair: There is one thing I feel very sorry for you. What's up? Do you still remember how we met in the middle of the night one and a half months ago?When I replaced him on purpose, I just wanted to play a joke on you.Now that the fake has become real, I may be sorry for one person.

ah!You can really talk.Her right hand immediately raised her slender second finger, pointing at me mischievously.You are jealous! I stopped ringing. He is no longer here. What?I asked in surprise. Three days ago he went to Kazan. Um? He hated Tomsk, hated me.Because I made him lose face. I looked at her suspiciously, as if I didn't know what was going on, really, I didn't know anything. She smiled, but there was confusion and pain in her eyes. Originally, if you didn't mention it, I didn't want to tell you anything.I don't want any wind that should belong to winter blowing in our spring garden.Don't you often say that we are dreaming together?Then, for all the dark realities other than dreams, let them flow quietly like a countercurrent, wouldn’t it be better?But now, since you want to look at the scenery of the upstream and listen to the sound of its steep water, I have to tell you everything.

For the first time, her eyes, which were always as bright as the blue sky, were covered with a cloud.For the first time, I got a glimpse of another side of her personality that she never wanted to open up to me. She opened it to me in the first person. Didn't you say, sometimes, I resemble an ancient Greek philosopher?It is this role that I intend to play to you at this moment.Moreover, it seemed to be quite moving at the time. One of a woman's greatest misfortunes, (and probably a kind of luck), is to marry.To marry one has to be more or less in love, just as to fish one has to be more or less in touch with water, and water is unpredictable.According to my personal background and circumstances, this kind of thing is still an inevitable program of social customs.Unless I'm going to go to a monastery, I'll have to put on this show.

Vahili and I got acquainted, because we wanted to collaborate on this show. You know, I'm into literature.There are many fantasies in my mind.In addition to coping with the program above, I actually do have such an impulse, desire, emotion, and desire that one day, there will be such a mysterious and strong life, which should be a bit like the west wind, skylark, cloud, and ah described by this poet. A mix of Donis, Prometheus, and more.But where to find this kind of life?In order not to enter the monastery, (of course, there is no such space here now.) I had to find a substitute for it.Vasili is such a substitute.It's not just Vasili. In fact, many men here have a touch of Prometheus, which is due to the fashion of the times.Naturally, it not only has a bit of Pu's majestic color, but also has a bit of the latter's romantic tone, which is also encouraged by the times.

We met by chance, but it was another major factor that brought us closer: he had lived in Poland as a child (at that time he was our conqueror) and spoke Polish fluently.For me, this is no small temptation.However, after coming and going, I have been contradictory.I found that no matter how he tried to cover up the form, the arrogance of the Great Slavism was still hidden in his blood.For a few years before 1925, in this country, indeed, this arrogance was generally much lessened, if not entirely eliminated.But in recent years, it has reared its head again, albeit at odds with this society's dominant beliefs.This is a fact of existence, and no one can erase the hidden power.

I was conflicted, but I finally had to put on the show I mentioned earlier.Before I discovered his great weakness, I had no reason not to associate with him.He is a senior employee of the bank here, smart and capable, in his thirties, he is still young and energetic.As a potential future spouse, there's nothing to find fault with him. We have been dating for more than half a year, and the real relationship is better, but it was three weeks ago when I met you.A woman, poor woman, if there are no unexpected twists and turns, she must follow the normal track of the relationship between men and women in society, and slowly play the role of lover.But I know that this is deceiving myself, but I must continue to deceive.In life in this society, there are not many paths for you to choose.Even when I am most lucid, I can see clearly that Shelley's poetic fantasies are fantasies after all, and the important thing is: I have to accept the slightly annoying but normal reality.I had to kill another self in my soul, in order to bear reality quietly.

But another new reality revealed the essence of this substitute, Vasili. After we met, at that time, we were just ordinary friends. According to the extremely generous atmosphere advertised by this society, this kind of friendship is completely acceptable.He knew it, but reprimanded me severely, and forbade me to see you. It was a terrible despotism, almost a tyrant.Moments like these, if he had shown Promethean generosity, would have increased my respect for him.But he was so arrogant and rude, which aroused my resistance.I am not a woman who is used to giving in to intimidation.We quarreled several times.Needless to say, he had neither right to restrain me nor was I bound to accept his tyranny.And so, day by day, things got more and more rigid.After several very unpleasant encounters, I finally came to the decision: he was not a man worthy of all my heart and soul!

On the third day after I wrote to ask you for coffee, I had a feeling that a storm was coming and maybe it was just what I was longing for. That gloomy afternoon, (he knew that I had no classes after three o'clock in the afternoon), he appeared in my room.Just by looking at his face, I knew what was going to happen.It's strange to say that he and I belong to the same race of white race, and I'm used to his fair complexion, but today, I find it particularly displeasing to the eye.For more than a month, the light brown tones of that oriental friend seemed to be the original vitality of life, which had penetrated into my instinctive blood, and then kissed this piece of white, as if facing a pair of zombie faces, without any emotion. Lively, fresh, and extremely superficial.His high nose, which he used to think was a bit majestic, now feels too high, which is so ugly and unappealing.In a word, in the six months since we met, I have never been more tired of his appearance than at this moment.In particular, his face was full of gloom, like a tomb opening its mouth to swallow people.

No matter how irritable and uncomfortable I am, my blissful mood that sinks in the bottom of the rose valley still comes out intentionally or unintentionally. A man, no matter how dull he is, is not difficult to be sensitive to this huge change in my spirit. It angered him even more. He just sat down and threw the otterskin round cap on the table, I immediately lowered my face, stood and said to him very calmly: I hope this is the last time we see each other. Things really developed so fast, irreversible?He was surprised and angry. It's not that things are moving too fast, it's that the hands on your watch are moving too slowly.Due to its texture limitations, it cannot comprehend another speed of time.My eyes were fixed on him.In a word, you never really knew me.

But we were in love after all.Even if it is just once.he said angrily. That's not real love, that's real politeness.I respond to your feelings in accordance with the politeness of the customs of this society.If I don't respond, it will be seriously rude.But under the polite evening dress, I have another heart, this person, bound by the social traditions of your people, (Even today, you actually maintain this proud tradition.) Never really liberated.I had to lie to myself that I was in love with you.Now, a new Prometheus appeared, and his fire illuminated the dress, and also illuminated another real flesh and blood me behind the dress, who could think and act according to my original natural face.Because of this, I said, this is the last time we will meet. Aurelia, why does your tone of voice sound like a philosopher?It hasn't been too long, how did you change so much?His tone was full of sarcasm. I haven't changed at all.I'm still the same person I used to be.Once upon a time, not long after I met you, a contradiction occurred in my heart.But I never told you the truth.I just lied to myself that if I wanted to survive in this society, I had to conform to its customs, habits, traditions, unless I was going to go to a monastery someday, which was impossible.At that time, you only saw my smiling face, but never saw the sometimes melancholy face deep in my heart. This is the consequence of your liberation imposed on our nation.Although you love me, there is still a kind of pressure that you think you are superior, but it is not too obvious.But stress is always stress. I never really put pressure on you. Look at the way you speak now, your face, isn't this stress?I am free.We have never been engaged, and even if we were, I can break off the engagement if necessary.In a word, I used to be a bird in a cage, but I am not anymore. Hearing these words, he was very angry, his face was pale, and soon turned a little red again, and his two small oval eyes glared at me like a wild wolf.He stood up from the chair and kept walking back and forth in a hurry.Suddenly, stopping, he shouted angrily: No matter how eloquent you are, like a female Socrates, I still want to say: You are a loose woman, a Polish Carmen!We have been dating for less than three weeks, and you have changed your mind and are looking for that rich Chinese officer!Since I met you, for more than half a year, you have been tormenting me half-heartedly, finding all kinds of excuses, sometimes being hot and sometimes cold to me.After all, three weeks ago, no matter what, I finally accepted my feelings. Unexpectedly, they changed again soon.You're not like a decent middle school teacher, you're a boring woman!You are a slut!That Chinese warlord, he is of bourgeois origin, is also a boring guy!I despise you I just can't take it anymore.I angrily pointed at the door: Please get out!Get out now! I don't go out. This is my bedroom, you must get out! I can't go out. I went to the window and there was the street below.I said angrily: If you don't go out again, I will call someone on the street! His face became even paler, without any blood, like a living corpse that just crawled out of a coffin.His small eyes stared at me intently, without making a sound, as if he wanted to swallow me in one gulp.Suddenly, he rushed towards me like a leopard, slapped me, and slapped me across the face.Then, he picked up the leather hat from the table and hurried downstairs. Later, my mother told me: His face at that time was extremely terrifying, as if he was about to kill someone.She had already been prepared, and if something happened, she rushed to the street for help.Thank God, the price I paid was too small: a slap in the face.It was such a joy to end all relations between me and him.What I'm most afraid of is that he won't be entangled. Some say it is bad luck to be slapped.But this is the only happy slap in the face!It is my good fortune that he treats me like this!Of course, some people would often take it as a personal insult, but I took him for a lunatic.What have we to be angry with a madman? Originally, because of his ability, the party had long wanted to transfer him to work in Kazan, but for me, he never accepted.Three days ago, he changed his mind.His hometown was originally Kazan. As for his mother, Ben took a liking to him because he could speak Polish.But he was not very polite to her, and always had the air of a former conqueror of Poland, who thought he was superior.Because I was making friends with him, my mother had to feel a little wronged and received him for my sake.The last scene he performed that afternoon made her wish he would break with me.Previously, I had fantasized that as time progressed in my friendship with him, he would be more considerate to my mother.Now, I suddenly realized that this is a dream. Well, let's not talk about these gloomy and frustrating things, let's get out of the dark valley and return to our Rose Valley! You just sighed and said you were sorry for me.In fact, I should be sorry for you; before I knew you, I shouldn't have known such a man, and I had some feelings for him again.However, the affairs of the world cannot be decided by man.It is also a kind of accident, a kind of fate that I met him.If I didn't know him, how could I know you later? Hearing this, I widened my eyes and stared at her in surprise, as if I didn't know her very well.But soon, I got to know her again.I think all of this is in line with the laws of nature.A woman, when she is burned by love, she will act out all kinds of unexpected roles in a hurry.What's more, deep in her soul, there is another self, but she doesn't reveal it easily. At this time, while she was talking, she suddenly clung to my arms and murmured dreamily: Emotion is a strange thing, if you want it to come, it won't come.If you don't want it to come, it will come again. When I met you that night, you sent me back and when we broke up, you asked to come to see me at school the next day. I should not have agreed to this request.At that time, you seemed to have an indescribable magic to me, which made me have to agree. From then on, I try to calm myself more and try to treat you as an ordinary friend, but another force warns me loudly: Don't be confused!This person is either not your friend, or your friend who is more than a friend. Between the two, you can only choose one way, and there is no third way. I heard the voice of this secret warning, but I was deliberately confused.I try to treat you as a normal friend who arouses my curiosity just because you are Chinese.My efforts are naturally just a deception! Then it happened: Vasili's obstinacy and tyranny forced me to give it a serious thought.I just discovered, and for the first time, how terribly my heart leans toward you, how terribly close I am to you, and how terribly far away I am from Vasili!It's only two weeks away!The strength you exerted on me in two weeks completely overturned the nest of friendship that Vasili had built on me for half a year.My whole attitude towards life has changed because of you.Your cynical attitude affected me.I have become less religious than I was before: except for your affections! Late that night, the adventure on the street made me feel your fresh vitality, a mysterious and strong original vitality that I have always dreamed of.In the coffee shop, when you sent me home, from you, I felt the Western flavor described by Shelley, the skylark flavor.The next day, my missed appointment made me realize that our brief friendship was as frank, brisk and free as the clouds described by the poet.After watching the conversation after La Traviata, your hammer shows the depth of exploration of the bend of life.Finally, the fated day comes: you reveal your secret.In front of a Polish woman, you displayed a Promethean passion, and I couldn't resist you any longer.As long as you want, that day, you can really get mine! In a word, a miracle that I always thought was impossible has actually happened.That mysterious and intense primitive life suddenly stood in front of me.He is half of this world and half not.That Ariel, who was a bit like Shelley's description, came to me not from the sky, but from the depths of the night.I began to enjoy a friendship that was both psychic and real.He is mischievous and garrulous, but extremely sincere and poetic, which made me feel relaxed, free, and mixed with appropriate irritating spicy flavor in this heavy Slavic soil.I am really submerged in the poetry and dream of life.It is impossible for a woman like me who has lived an ordinary life for more than 20 years to refuse this wonderful realm.It's so fast paced and beautiful.More importantly, there was a real flow of life that came and went without a trace, flowed through our friendship, and it strengthened the temptation of the latter to me.I can't help but indulge in a subtle fragrance like a bee sucking a flower stamen.Now, I finally understand: what is happiness. Then, I didn't see you for six days. For the first time, I deeply appreciate your influence on me.This kind of influence is really not something an ordinary woman can bear. Among drugs, morphine is a very poisonous one.A person who is used to morphine will reduce his (or her) life expectancy.I am also the woman who takes this drug, and you are my drug.After I got used to it, I was suddenly asked to stop smoking for six days. What kind of blow did this have on me? (Excuse me, I have to borrow the term drugs to describe your impact.) You can't imagine the blow.A man's heart is always harder than a woman's! (When she said this, I passionately kissed her on the cheek.) During these six days, I almost went crazy. Although I remained calm on the surface, working, teaching, reading, and correcting papers as usual, my heart was like sea water under a storm.I could hear the roar of the stormy sea. On the fourth day and the fifth day, I finally couldn't bear it anymore. I wanted to see you, but I was very shy.So at night, I walked outside the shelter alone, looking at the building where you lived from a distance, hoping that the window could show your figure.Even if it's just a piece of your hair, an arm, or a hand, I'm satisfied! But I never saw you. On the sixth day, I couldn't take it anymore.Regardless of everything, and regardless of other people's gossip, I resolutely came to see you. you are not here. I am going to visit you for the second time, and I am afraid that you will be away temporarily, so I will write a letter at home first. If you are not here, I will leave it to you. You are not there. I have to leave the letter to you: I only said a few words in the letter.However, from these few words, you can breathe a volcanic smell! True feelings cannot be expressed. What we can express is only one ten-thousandth or one ten-thousandth of the original feelings. The sun is the hottest object in the world, and there is no other life in it except fire.Astronomers say: As long as one inch of the original heat of the sun is transferred to the earth, the latter will be reduced to ashes.However, on the earth, how pitiful is the heat reflected by the sun.Even in the midst of tropical summer, the sun's rays cannot burn a blade of grass to ashes. Do you want to ask me about my feelings for you?It is hotter than the original heat of the sun, and what I have shown is only the shadow of the original heat: poor and weak shadows, like the sun reflected on the earth.This shadow and heat can only be recognized and captured by you sitting next to me, looking into my eyes, listening to my voice, touching my hand, and breathing my breath.If you want to use words, pictures, music, etc. to express, it is impossible to even catch wind and shadows! ah lin At this point, the rest of her words have been bitten to death with my lips! I hugged her frantically, almost making her breathless. After a long time, she looked at me quietly and said in a low voice: I want you to promise me one thing. What's up? You are not allowed to mention the name Vasili in my ears again. I didn't speak, but looked at her deeply, deeply. She lightly added two more sentences: In return for your promise, I will never mention this name to you again! I didn't open my mouth, I still looked at her deeply, deeply, like an astronomer who is always studying the sun, constantly staring at that star from a huge telescope.