Chapter 49 four eight

He Shaoxiang has not written for more than a month.Zhiyun seemed a little disappointed, as if he had lost something that he used with him, somewhat unaccustomed and uncomfortable, but mostly puzzled.She couldn't understand why He Shaoxiang, who always wrote a letter in German every week, suddenly stopped writing?After analyzing and analyzing this matter, speculating and speculating, she was confident that she understood He Shaoxiang's situation and the reason for not writing. She reckoned that He Shaoxiang's position as director must have been officially announced, and his foreign colleagues and friends, such as Dr. Hao Li, Dr. Hallman, and Dr. Stanford, must be inviting people to celebrate him.Of course, in addition to his own research work, He Shaoxiang also has to manage the personnel and administration of the institute, and things will be busier than before.When he is full of self-satisfaction, he will feel more arrogant, and China will not be able to accommodate him even more.In addition, she is an old-fashioned wife who keeps insisting that she is a Chinese wife, so she is so indifferent to him, and she hasn't written him many letters after coming back for a long time, and each letter is just a few perfunctory words, which also makes him feel Knowing how far apart the hearts of the two are, they don't want, don't want, and don't want to make do with her anymore, and continue the life of the cold war, right?Since he wanted to leave, why did he take the time to write to her?Then, it is not uncommon to not receive a letter from him for more than a month.

After Zhiyun figured out this truth, the contradiction and unbearable knot in her heart were immediately untied, but a kind of helpless loss was relatively aggravated, especially when she saw little Hansi's smiling, When she looked at her innocent little face, that daze turned into pain. Her lovely son will grow up in an incomplete family?That alone was enough to make her restless for life. Both Yu Huanzhang and Mrs. Yu seemed to have aged a lot suddenly, and they were sullen and sighing all day long. The joyful atmosphere when Zhiyun first came back was gone, replaced by gloom.Because the air in the house makes people feel oppressed, Mrs. Yu and Yu Huanzhang often complain about small things. Banyun tries to reduce the time at home as much as possible, leaving early in the morning and returning late at night. He is always with Huang Chaoxiong. It made Mrs. Yu feel worse, and complained that fate was unfair to her. A person like her who loves to be lively and never runs out of energy has become inactive about everything, except that her interest in little Hansi has not diminished. In addition, it is always silent most of the time.When a friend calls to invite Zhiyun to dinner, she always automatically refuses, saying: She will be staying for a long time, don't be busy, take your time!Followed by a string of forced smirks.

Zhiyun saw everything in his eyes and was extremely disturbed, but he couldn't think of any proper way to turn his parents' worries into joy.Fortunately, the old man who called the police and Lin Xinrong asked her to help sort out some of the songs left by Jiang Xiaofeng, and asked several people to work together, so she was happy to go out every day, avoid the dull air at home, and not look at the expressions of her parents, so she could relieve some of her conscience. uneasy.One day, Banyun chatted with her and said deeply: If you stay abroad and file for divorce, mom and dad may not be so anxious. What they fear most is losing face.

I don't understand why going abroad is so important to us Chinese?In order to go abroad, I don’t know how many people have been ruined. Parents would rather their children suffer outside than return him. This kind of strange psychology is afraid that people all over the world will not understand.Zhiyun said with a helpless wry smile. Jian Yuying, who was the most honest among the four buddies at the time, wrote two letters and made two long-distance calls in succession, telling Zhiyun to stay at her house for a few days before leaving, and the two chatted happily.Zhiyun has always missed Jian Yuying very much, and he can escape the unpleasant atmosphere at home and relieve his worries, so he took little Hansi to the south.

Jian Yuying is the most normal of the four of them. Everything is done step by step and logically. Her husband is her former neighbor. They were childhood sweethearts and grew up together. It's not close, but they often go back and forth, love letters are sent frequently, and their relationship has not changed at all.Among Chen Lingling, Zeng Manlin, and Zhiyun, Jian Yuying was the only one. She never planned to go abroad. At that time, she said: My mother is not in good health, and my younger siblings are still young. I can't bear to leave them.This is certainly true, but the most important reason is that she still can't let go of her current husband, Tiehan, her lover at that time.This nickname was jointly given to him by Chen Lingling, Zeng Manlin and Zhiyun, because he was tall, black and strong, with powerful holes and arms, like cast iron.

Tie Han didn't change much in appearance, but he was calmer than before, and his rank was promoted to lieutenant colonel. Jian Yuying's family lives in an exquisite small bungalow in the family compound. The family is happy. Her two children are in elementary school and their homework is at the top. Zhiyun stayed at Jian Yuying's house for three days, and talked endlessly for three days.They talked about the current situation of many classmates, and naturally they also talked about Zeng Manlin and Chen Lingling. Jian Yuying said that she hadn't written with Chen Lingling for seven or eight years. I feel that the views, ideas, and interests of the two people are too far apart, and they can't get along.I feel so sad.

I may not be able to talk to her, why can't you talk?They have been abroad for so long, so they should be very close to each other!Jian Yuying said. Jian Yuying, you don't understand. After a long time in a foreign country, people will always change more or less. Not to mention the changes in lifestyle, the psychological feeling of the environment is too deep and too deep. It cannot be changed, but changes The direction is different.Like me, the longer I live in a foreign country, the more I feel that I don’t belong there, the more I feel that I am a Chinese by birth, and I can’t change it if I reborn myself!Chen Lingling is just the opposite. You may not believe it, but she is not the same Chen Lingling as before, but an out-and-out foreigner. Her thoughts, habits, and practices are all Americanized.

Oh really!In other words, I have not changed the most. Over the years, our life has been like this.Tie Han is promoted very quickly, I teach my share, and my children are healthy, so I don’t have to worry about studying, that’s all.After hearing Zhiyun's description, Jian Yuying said with a smile. Jian Yuying, you are the happiest.Zhiyun's tone was almost envious. When old friends reunited, they talked too much, and even their mood seemed to return to their school days.Jian Yuying insisted on staying in Zhiyun for at least five days, but Zhiyun stayed on the third day and had to go back to Taipei because of Mrs. Yu's birthday.

Jian Yuying heard that Zhiyun's mother was celebrating her birthday, so she felt it was inconvenient to stay.As Zhiyun wished, he accompanied her to visit the company and bought Mrs. Yu a birthday present. Zhiyun bought a good wool coat for Mrs. Yu and asked the store to wrap it in floral paper.The material of this dress is really good. Your mother will like it.Jian Yuying said. Zhiyun hurried back to Taipei. When he got home, Mrs. Yu and Yu Huanzhang were talking about something. Lingyun and his wife and Banyun were also there. Seeing her coming in, they fell silent. Zhiyun knew in his heart that everyone was talking about her problem.Seeing that everyone seemed to be heavy, she was very disturbed, but they didn't ask directly, and she didn't want to bring up those annoying things again, so she just smiled lightly and said, "Is everyone at home?"It's rare.

We are afraid that you will not come back today.Ban Yun said. How could it be? Tomorrow is my mother's birthday, so I have to hurry back today no matter what.Seeing Mrs. Yu's indifferent appearance, Zhiyun turned to Lingyun and his wife and asked, "Have you reserved your seats yet?"Before she left, she explained that it would be hosted by Ling Yun and his wife, and she would pay for it. The order is complete, even the dishes are ordered, and the policy of saving is fully implemented, six dishes and one soup, plus a plate of fried noodles and an eight-treasure rice.Ling Yun said with a smile.

The guests are also invited, only the uncle's family, Uncle Lu and Uncle Tang and his wife.Emi added. What places have you seen in the south?Yu Huanzhang asked.Not even a smile. Wait until Zhiyun washes his face first!I see she is tired.Mrs. Yu, with a worried face, also spoke.Come, little Hans, sit down with grandma.Speaking of the words "Little Hansi", she managed to smile a little. Mom, I'll bring you back some birthday presents, give it a try, is it suitable?Zhiyun opened the handbag, took out the floral paper bag, and handed it to Mrs. Yu. Mrs. Yu took it listlessly, only glanced at the paper bag, and did not open it. Try again later!In fact, there is no need to buy me any birthday presents. My heart is not at peace, and I will not be happy no matter how many presents there are.She said ungratefully. Zhiyun heard something in her mother's words and felt embarrassed, and was about to turn around and walk away when Mrs. Yu stopped her again.Zhiyun, here is a letter from you.She picked up an airmail letter from the coffee table beside her, and Zhiyun could tell from a distance that it was from He Shaoxiang. Holding the heavy letter in his hand, Zhiyun was thinking in his heart: He hasn't written a letter for several weeks, and suddenly such a thick letter came, what did it say in it?It's just another way of talking about how busy and proud he is, how he is envied and respected after he became the director of the department!She has told herself many times: the glory of your husband is your glory.No matter in China or abroad, a wife is valued by her husband. She does not understand this truth, but she is increasingly unable to share He Shaoxiang's glory. The more proud he is, the more she feels the distance between the two of them. Looking at the neat English words on the envelope, she felt very complicated. What did Shaoxiang say in his letter?Don't you look at it?Mrs. Yu lost her composure. Zhiyun opened the envelope silently, took out the thick stack of letter paper and opened it.To her surprise, the letter was actually written in Chinese, and instead of calling her dear Hailanna like every time, she was called Zhiyun. Looking further down, the content is as follows: Zhiyun: I’ve been writing to you for a few weeks, but because I’m in a bad mood, I feel unspeakable embarrassment, and most importantly, I’m too ashamed, so I know I’m ashamed to say anything to you .So this letter was delayed until now.I understand very well that you are not waiting for my letter, nor are you eager to know about me.But looking around the world, only you are my closest person, my wife (at least for now?), when I encounter such a deep blow, there is nowhere else I can tell my heart except you, because, I After all, I am just a lonely Chinese living in a foreign land. My joys, gains and losses, and pains are things that my Western friends will never understand, and they don’t care about them seriously. Only now, I deeply feel that they are dependent on me Yes, just you and our sweet little Hans Zhiyun couldn't help being surprised that He Shaoxiang would claim to be a lonely Chinese living in a foreign land?Will he admit that he also has joys and pains, and his foreign friends don't care about him seriously and can't understand?How unnatural, how unlike him!She quickly read on: I want to tell you that the candidate for the director has been decided and announced, but it is not me, but Dr. Hao Li, the reason is only because I am a Chinese, although Professor Clement strongly recommended me, everyone also recognizes my academic excellence His achievements are higher than those of anyone else in the institute. However, the representatives of the countries that contributed the capital met and decided that such a research institute composed of advanced scientific countries in Europe cannot be led by a Chinese. What makes me sad is not because many years of hope have failed, but because of this incident, I can see what kind of ridiculous and shallow character I am. I remember that I once said to you confidently: A person like me has no time to think about what belongs to or does not belong to, and whether it has roots or not, but now I have time to think about it, and I think so deeply.These days, every time I come back from get off work, I think about this question.Without you and little Hansi, the empty and lonely atmosphere at home can help me think deeply. I have loved science all my life, and I think I am outstanding, and academics have no borders. Therefore, my biggest goal in life is to enter the highest hall of science. What does it matter to me.I have always thought that I have surpassed the level of Chinese people, and knowledge and achievements are all the basis for judging a person's value. Therefore, I have no sympathy for ordinary Chinese compatriots, especially those who have no future in their careers and are rejected emotionally. , but contemptuous, dismissive, and even ashamed to be Chinese.For a long time, I have always been such a self-heroic figure. It was not until this incident happened that I really woke up from my dream and saw that no matter how outstanding a Chinese person is, how much he strives to be superior is not It may come out of China alone.In the eyes of others, he will always be a Chinese, and in himself, there will be no change. He is still the body given to him by his parents, and he is still a descendant of Chinese people with Chinese blood, a Chinese from the inside out. people. You have talked to me several times about the issue of national emotional identity. I always say that the so-called national love is unwarranted, narrow and meaningless.As long as a person is good enough and capable, any country, any nation will welcome and respect him. He is beyond the narrow concept of nationality. He belongs to any nation and belongs to the whole world.I cannot express how ashamed I am at this day for these arrogant and cruel words of my own.I finally understood that only a homeless person is a citizen of the world, just like an orphan without parents, homeless, who can be adopted by anyone.That is rather the deepest sorrow and misfortune of human life, rather than glory.The nation is our mother, we come from her, without her there would be no us, our roots are firmly attached to her, and it is impossible to get rid of it.What's more, any good son or daughter will never abandon his mother, he will only love her, no matter how many shortcomings she has, that kind of innate love will not disappear, and he will never meet someone who is more luxurious and richer than her. People, just recognize a mother again. But I actually did that. I felt that my mother was inferior and wanted to abandon her to be someone else’s son, but they rejected me, thinking that I didn’t belong to them, and I was still my mother’s Chinese son.Of course, they were not wrong. It was only me who was wrong. I had a yellow face and black hair. I lived on the body that my mother gave me at the beginning. The blood of the Chinese nation flowed in my blood. If I am not my mother's son, then who am I? Zhiyun, now I finally understand why you are so disappointed in me, why your feelings for me are getting colder and colder, and why you say things that are contemptuous of me. (You had a little admiration for me before we got married, didn't you?) I used to say: don't know what you want?Now, I understand what you want, you want your husband to be a noble and proud Chinese.And your sentence: There is no pain in the world, more painful than seeing your own cowardice.Not only did I deeply understand its meaning, but I also saw myself more clearly. Zhiyun, when I let you down and suffered like this, and finally didn't even have the turn to please you in the name of the director, I no longer have the courage to ask for your forgiveness.After you came back to Taiwan, you only sent three text messages. Although I was insensitive, I clearly felt that our marriage was on the verge of collapse after a long period of erosion. You will stay in the country and will not come back.Am I guessing right?Zhiyun, if you really decide like this, it will be the biggest blow to me. I remember you once said that I was a robot. This sentence hurt my self-esteem, and I also saw that I was boring and dull.But, Zhiyun, please understand that a person who spends half his life on hard study, thinking, and research has no leisure or energy to take care of other things in life except work, and his temperament has unconsciously changed. Eroded into shape by the environment.I don't want to be a robot, but I can't not be a robot.Zhiyun, I am so eagerly waiting for your return, almost counting the time every minute.will you come back?Will you still join hands with me in this distant foreign country, relying on each other to fight together?You are not willing, are you?Of course, you must be unwilling. Going back to China has been your wish for a long time, not to mention that there are like-minded friends there. You can create a career together. It should be better than going to a foreign country thousands of miles away to accompany someone like me , is much more meaningful.So, I know you are not coming back. Seeing this, Zhiyun couldn't help letting out a long sigh.In this case, such an idea does not seem to come from He Shaoxiang!Finally, there came a day when he knew that he was wrong, and understood why she was disappointed in him?He actually thought that she had reconciled with Jiang Xiaofeng again, created a career together, and would not go back.He even thinks that creating our nation's own voice in China and letting all Chinese people sing our songs is also a career. Shao Xiang wrote such a long letter, what did he say?Mrs. Yu asked impatiently again.Others' eyes were also focused on Zhiyun's face. Did he urge you to go back?Yu Huanzhang studied Zhiyun's expression. Well!I haven't read it yet.Zhiyun continued to look down: I thought about going back to pick you up, and going to Singapore to visit my stepmother and sister.I also figured it out. Everyone makes mistakes. Although my stepmother had treated me badly, without her care, my childhood and youth would not have been so miserable.I have to forget some small unpleasantnesses, life is moving forward, people still have to look at the big picture, family affection is always family affection.The bad thing is that I can't leave. These days I'm working on a new experiment, often late at night, and I really can't leave. Today, professional achievement is a thousand times more important to me than ever before.Because, what I care about is no longer personal success or failure, but to show a strange brilliance in the international scientific community as a son and daughter of the Chinese people, so that all Westerners can say: This outstanding scientist is a Chinese. Our achievements and honors are what we envy and admire.Therefore, I don't dare to waste a minute, so I can't go back to pick you up. Zhiyun, we have lived together for many years, and it seems that there are not many times when we have the same opinion. You always say that I don’t love anything other than my work and myself.On this point, I absolutely cannot agree with your statement.I don't deny that I love my job, but I deny that I don't love anything else. At least, for you, I love you with all my heart. This sentence makes Zhiyun's agitated heart arouse a wonderful feeling, love How could this word come out of He Shaoxiang's mouth?Did he know what love is?Why did I hear this word for the first time after so many years since I met him? He Shaoxiang's letter was still very long, and continued to read: So many years ago, on that snowy afternoon, when I first saw you on the streets of Munich, I couldn't help but love you.I am not a person who is good at expressing feelings, and love makes me not know how to say it.Just because you once said that you admired my achievements and knowledge, I worked harder than before, hoping to strive for greater honor and pride for you, and to gain more love from you.I never imagined that the endless hours of work and the toil in my career would make you think that I loved nothing but my work and myself. Zhiyun, you should imagine how happy it is for me when you and little Hansi come back!If I still have a chance to make up for my mistakes, if you are still willing to accompany me to fight in a lonely foreign country, what kind of encouragement will you give me.Can we still start over?Of course, if you are determined not to come back, it is not your fault. I have to taste the fruit I planted myself.No matter how lonely and lonely the foreign country is, I have to endure it just because I want to win this academic battle as a Chinese. When I finish this battle, I will return to my motherland and contribute what I have learned. When academics are endless, no one can predict when a victory will be counted. However, I will not go back until I have achieved my goal of success.Whether it is desolation or loneliness, I will bear it, and I will not relax my struggle a little bit.If unfortunately I can never reach my ideal goal (Zhiyun, will you understand? My goal is not to just seek a Ph. deepest root), I also had to die in a foreign country.I remember you once said a word: the land in a foreign country is cold, right?At that time, I refuted you, saying that when a person dies, he doesn’t feel anything, and he doesn’t even know what cold or heat is!Now I don't think so.I think the foreign land must be very cold, buried in it, it will be a lonely ghost forever.I miss my country, and the soil of my country, that soil must be more fragrant and warmer!Only in the beautiful land that belongs to us can we take root. In other people's land, it is so cold, how can we really take root?Zhiyun, will you come back?No matter how you decide, please tell me frankly, I can stand the blow.If you really don't come back, I will send you the money immediately.I calculated that the money you brought is almost used up and there are still some words to say later, but Zhiyun couldn't see clearly, and his vision was blurred by tears. What's wrong?What did Shaoxiang say in his letter?Seeing Zhiyun crying, Mrs. Yu immediately became nervous, thinking that He Shaoxiang had written something that made her sad in the letter. What happened?Yu Huanzhang also asked anxiously. Ling Yun, Ban Yun, and Hui Mei also stared at Zhi Yun attentively. Little Han thought that something had happened to his father, so he came over and leaned on Zhi Yun quietly. Nothing Zhiyun choked up, and wiped away tears with his hands.Dad, Mom, don't worry, I'd better go back to Europe ah!Several people exclaimed at the same time, and joy emerged from the shouts. Shaoxiang is very unhappy now, I want to go back and be with him.Zhiyun said again. Mrs. Yu and Yu Huanzhang exchanged glances, but they were still not at ease even though they were happy. What happened to Shaoxiang?Yu Huanzhang asked. Hmm, Nothing Zhiyun responded vaguely, feeling that there was no way to talk about the matter, and he couldn't explain his mood at the moment. I say!Husband and wife are husband and wife after all. If the couple doesn't quarrel, they will get better after the quarrel. Mrs. Yu couldn't hide her joy.Yu Huanzhang was afraid that what she said about Zhiyun would change her mind, so she quickly stopped her with winks, and Mrs. Yu immediately stopped talking.But Yu Huanzhang, in order to nail Zhiyun's sentence again, lest she change her mind, pretended to be quite relaxed and said: Zhiyun, this is the best birthday present you can give your mother! That night, Zhiyun made an overseas call to Switzerland. Hello, the surname here is He, may I ask who it is.He Shaoxiang's voice came clearly and far away. It is a person surnamed He.Zhiyun took his time. ah!Hailana Zhiyun, it will be your voice, He Shaoxiang, who told Zhiyun how much surprise and excitement this phone call had given him. He sighed repeatedly, as if he didn't know what to say. Shaoxiang, I received your letter. Well, He Shaoxiang was silent for a while after receiving it.Zhiyun, are you back?He asked slowly and feebly. Why don't I go back to my own home?Zhiyun deliberately raised his voice. Zhiyun, Zhiyun He Shaoxiang just called her repeatedly. Shaoxiang, you really shouldn't be so small in size and courage, and you are afraid that I will go to Munich, and you are afraid that I will return to Taiwan.Zhiyun spoke in a teasing tone at first, then paused for a while, and said with great regret: Shao Xiang, Jiang Xiaofeng has passed away for several years. What did you say?Jiang Xiaofeng, He Shaoxiang was too shocked to speak. Yes, Jiang Xiaofeng died and was swept away by the waves in order to save people, but the Chinese people he advocated should sing the voice of their own nation, and it has spread like a movement, like a tide, and many people are singing our songs However, we feel that this is not enough, and we must continue to develop it. Many friends who study music are actively working on it, including Liao Jinghui and the old student of the alarm. They also handed me some tasks. Doing it abroad, Shao Xiang, you won't object, will you?Zhiyun is calm and gentle. Zhiyun, it is the responsibility of every Chinese to carry forward the national culture, why should I oppose it! ah!Shaoxiang, Zhiyun is so kind, I don't know what to say. That day I met Chen Jiahe on the street, and I told him that if you come back, you will teach them about Chinese literature. Shaoxiang Zhiyun, have you forgive me?He Shaoxiang asked embarrassingly. Shaoxiang, I've forgiven you a long time ago Zhiyun paused for a while, and then said awkwardly: Actually, I'm not entirely right.Shaoxiang, when I go back this time, I will no longer be as listless as before. I will not only do something beneficial to Chinese culture, but also let foreigners know what kind of nation China is and what the Chinese are. What kind of person?I want to interact more with foreign friends, and I want to live a lively and meaningful life. Zhiyun, I absolutely support you. Shaoxiang, I also want to take good care of you, so that you can be comforted when you go home after you have suffered so much outside. Zhiyun, you are so kind, I love you, I want to work harder, make you proud, and strive for a better life for you.Zhiyun, this time you come back, you won't be as lonely as before.There are some Chinese here, we can definitely get along well with them Well, Shaoxiang Where is our little Hans?I want to talk to him!Zhiyun, we want to educate him to be the best Chinese Little Hansi was already waiting impatiently, took the phone from Zhiyun, called Dad, and said exaggeratedly: Grandma bought me several big oranges that were scary Grapefruit.Zhiyun corrected him. right!Grapefruit little Hansi talked endlessly into the microphone. He has seen so many new things and eaten so many good things since he came back. How can he finish it? Alas!I'm afraid you won't spend thousands of dollars on this call. Mrs. Yu smiled and sighed.