Chapter 24 whisper

In the middle of the night, whispers are heard, and the moon sets like a golden basin.What was said at that time, was it not a confidant, but a confidant?I'm not going to pretend to treat what I'm going to say here as a serious secret, but this article was written in a hurry because of the urging of the editor, so I'm a little anxious, and what I write is not to think about it , is always there, so to speak, part of the subconscious background.Just think it is a night when the moon is falling like a golden basin, and someone whispers to you and tells you! This morning the landlord sent someone to measure the length of the hot water pipe in the apartment, probably to dismantle it and sell it.My aunt couldn't help but sigh with emotion, saying that people nowadays have dirty thoughts and only care about it for a while, this is a troubled world.

People in troubled times muddle along without having a real home.Yet I have an everlasting feeling for my aunt's home.Looking for my aunt to live with my mother for many years. Although I moved several times, and my mother was not in Shanghai at the time, my aunt was left alone. Her home has always been a delicate and complete system for me. damage.The day before yesterday I broke a piece of glass on the tabletop, and I still had to pay 600 yuan for one piece. I happened to be bankrupt these two days, but I hurried to find a carpenter.Recently, for some reason, I have a tendency to break things. (Cups, plates, bowls and spoons are never counted. Occasionally my aunt smashed a teacup, and I always happily said: It’s my aunt’s turn to smash it!) Last time I was eager to collect clothes on the balcony, and the glass door couldn’t be opened. I put my knee against the door, and there was a bang, a piece of glass powder shattered, only a little bit of skin was scratched on the knee, but the blood flowed out and splashed on the feet, rubbed the red medicine, and the red medicine flowed all the way along the bloodstains Go down, as if you have eaten a knife from Wang Wu of the Great Swordsman.Showing it to my aunt, she bent down and took a quick glance, knowing that it was not fatal, so she asked about the glass with concern, and I went to match another piece.

Because the current home is complete in itself, and I just bumped into it to break things, but the real home should fit. As I grow up, I think of my former home. My first family was in Tianjin. I was born in Shanghai and moved to the north when I was two years old.I have been to Beijing too, and I only remember being carried around by the servants, who used their hands to pull the soft skin on her neck. As she got older, the skin on her forehead gradually sagged; when she touched her chin, she gradually felt different. .When I was a child, I had a bad temper, and when I got impatient, I scratched her face with bloodstains.Her surname is He, and her name is He Gan.I don't know if it's the dialect there, but we call it Laomazi why do you do what you do.He Gan is very similar to the popular pseudonym: He Ruo, He Zhi, He Xin.

There is a play by George Bernard Shaw: The House of Broken Hearts, which was bought by my father.His English inscription is left on the blank: Tianjin, North China. Nineteen twenty-six.No. 61, No. 32 Road. Timothy. C．open. I have always felt that leaving the surname, the year, and the address solemnly in the book is almost boring, but I recently found a few lines in this book, and I like it very much, because there is an air of late spring, like ours. At home in Tianjin. There is a swing frame in the yard, a tall girl with a scar on her forehead, so I called her Scar Yaya, one time she swung on the swing to the highest point, and suddenly turned over, there were chickens in the back yard.At noon in summer, I was wearing a white and red peach gauze blouse and red trousers. I sat on a board orange, drank a bowl full of light green, astringent and slightly sweet Liuyisan, read a book of riddles, and sang out, little Dog, take a step, take a bite.The answer is scissors.There is also a selection of nursery rhymes, one of which describes the most ideal half-village, half-country life in seclusion. I only remember a sentence of peach branches and peach leaves as a side room, which doesn't seem to sound like a child.

There is a bluestone anvil in one corner of the patio, and there is a man with a good understanding of writing and ink. The man with great ambitions often dips a brush in water to practice writing big characters on it.This man was thin and handsome, and he told me Romance of the Three Kingdoms. I liked him and gave him an inexplicable name called Maowu.Maowu's two younger brothers are Ermaowu and Sanmaowu.Maowu's wife is called Maowu's new wife, and the tube is called Maoniang.Mao Niang had a red oval face, watery eyes, and a full belly. Meng Lijun disguised herself as the champion in men's clothing. She was a very cute but scheming woman. Scar Yaya later married Sanmaowu and was bullied by Mao Niang.Of course, I didn't know these things at that time, I only knew that they were a lovely family.They are from Nanjing, so I have always had a bright and rich feeling about the small families in Nanjing that does not match the facts.Not long after they left our house and opened a grocery store, the maid took me and my brother to take care of their business, bought a few low-quality colored flower thermoses with great effort, and ate tea upstairs in the store, with glass jars. Candy, still has a sense of abundance.However, their store finally lost money, and the situation was extremely embarrassing.Maowu's mother also blamed the two daughters-in-law for not giving her grandchildren, and Maoniang complained behind her back that someone taught two couples to sleep in the same room, even though there were curtains on the bed.

The maid who led my brother was called Zhang Gan, with bound feet, clever and strong, and took the lead everywhere.Why do you lead me, because I lead a girl, I feel guilty, and let her do everything.I couldn't stand her patriarchal argument, and often argued with her: she said: you have such a temper, you have to live in the exclusive village!I hope that your younger brother who will marry far away in the future will not want you to come back!She was able to predict my future fate from the position of the fingers holding the chopsticks, saying: the chopsticks are close, and the marriage is far away.I quickly moved my fingers to the upper end of the chopsticks and said: How far can I grab it?She said: "If you catch far, of course you will marry far."I was so angry that I couldn't speak.Zhang Qian made me think about the issue of equality between men and women very early. I must be strong and stronger than my brother.

My younger brother was really disappointed, because he was sick and had to eat without food, so he was very greedy. When he saw someone's mouth moving, he asked someone to open his mouth to let him see what was in his mouth.Sick in bed, clamoring to eat pine nuts candy Pine nuts are crushed into powder, mixed with rock sugar sprinkles People add yellow lotus juice to the sugar and feed it to him, making him stop thinking, he cries loudly, and puts his fist completely in his mouth Go there, still want to.So they rubbed yellow lotus juice on their fists again.He sucked his fist and cried even harder.

The pine nut candies come in small flower magnetic jars from Golden Ears.Next to it is a yellow and red flat peach-shaped magnetic cylinder, which contains prickly heat powder.The afternoon sun shone on the worn-out old dressing table. Once Zhang Gan bought a persimmon and put it in a drawer. Because it was too raw, he put it there first.I went to open the drawer every two days, and gradually wondered if Zhang Qian had forgotten its existence, but I couldn't ask her because of a strange self-esteem.After a long time, the persimmon rotted into a bubble of water.I regret it very much, so I still remember it to this day.

My mother was absent from the original home, and I didn't feel any deficiency because she was no longer there.When I was with her, I remember that every morning the maid carried me to her bed, which was a copper bed. I climbed on the checkered green brocade quilt, and followed her reciting Tang poems incomprehensibly.She was always unhappy when she just woke up, and she only became happy after playing with me for a long time.I started to read the word blocks, that is, I lay on the side of the bed. After reading two words every afternoon, I could eat two pieces of mung bean cake. Later, my father married my aunt and grandma outside, and he wanted to take me to play in the small mansion. He carried me to the back door, but I refused to go. I tried my best to hold the door and kicked my feet. I came over and hit it a few times, and finally hugged it.When I got there, I ate a lot of candy very easily.There are mahogany furniture in the small mansion, tall silver plates are placed on the round table carved with mica stone heart, and my aunt treats me very well.

My mother and my aunt went overseas together. On the day of boarding the boat, she lay on the bamboo bed and wept bitterly, with small twitching and glowing patches nailed to the green dress and green skirt.The servants came several times to remind me that it was time, but she didn't seem to hear, they didn't dare to speak anymore, they pushed me forward and told me to say: Auntie, it's getting late. (I was adopted to the other room, so I called her uncle and aunt.) She ignored me and just cried.She sleeps there like the sea reflected in the glass of the cabin, little flakes of green, yet with the sea's endless turbulent sorrow.

I stood in front of the bamboo bed and looked at her, a little at a loss, and they didn't teach me anything else. Fortunately, the servant took me away.After my mother left, my aunt moved in.The family is very lively, and there are often banquets called Tiaozi.I peeked from behind the curtain, and I paid particular attention to the two sixteen or seventeen-year-old sisters who were sitting on the same sofa chair. Like together. My aunt didn't like my younger brother, so she tried her best to praise me and took me to Shilin to watch the dance every night.I sat at the table, the white cream on the cake in front of me was as high as my eyebrows, but I ate the whole piece, and gradually dozed off in the reddish dusk. Home. The family hired a teacher for my younger brother and me. It is a private school system. I read all day long and swayed in front of the window in the evening.I just remembered when I read Taiwang’s Shiyong Yu and changed it to Taiwang’s addiction to smoked fish.During that period, I was often troubled by not being able to recite books, probably because I cried on the morning of the first day of the new year, so I cried all year round.On the first day of the new year, I asked my mother to wake me up in the morning to watch them welcome the new year. Who knew that they were afraid that I would stay up late and work hard, so they asked me to sleep a little longer. When I woke up, the firecrackers had already been let off.I feel that all the bustle and bustle is in the past, I have no share, I lie on the bed and cry and cry, refusing to get up, and finally I am pulled up, sitting on a small wicker chair, and someone puts on new shoes for me Sometimes, I still cry even if I put on new shoes, I can't keep up. My aunt lived downstairs in a big dark and messy room, and I rarely went in, and stood in front of my father's smoke kang to endorse.My aunt was also literate, and she taught one of her own nieces to read fish in a pond, swimming around, beating him wantonly, his face was often swollen to the point where he couldn’t open his eyes, and she beat my father too, hitting him with a spittoon. break his head.So someone from the clan spoke up and forced her to walk.Sitting on the stage upstairs, I saw two collapsed carts slowly coming out of the gate, all of which were silverware she had taken away.The servants all said: Now it's all right! I came to Shanghai when I was eight years old, and I took a boat through the black water ocean and the green water ocean. It seemed that it was black and dark, and green and green. Although I had never seen the praise of the sea in the book, I still felt happy.Sleeping in the cabin and reading Journey to the West, which I have read many times, there are only high mountains and red hot dust in Journey to the West. When I arrived in Shanghai, sitting in the carriage, I was very sly and happy, with blue butterflies flying on my pink foreign gauze shirt and trousers.We live in a small Shikumen house with red oil board walls.For me, that too is the joy of having a tight vermilion. However, my father was overdosed with morphine at that time and was very close to death.He sat alone on the balcony, with a wet towel on his head, staring straight in the eyes, and thick white rain like tendon ropes hung from the eaves.It was raining, and I couldn't hear what he was muttering, and I was very scared. The maid told me that I should be happy that my mother was coming back.On the day my mother came back, I clamored to wear what I thought was the cutest little red coat.But the first thing she said when she saw me was: How can I wear such small clothes for her?Soon I had new clothes made and everything was different.My father regretted his mistakes and was sent to the hospital.We moved to a garden house, with dogs, flowers, and fairy tale books, and suddenly many relatives and friends with rich and beautiful charms were added to the family.My mother and a fat aunt sat on the piano orange to imitate a love performance in a movie. I sat on the ground watching, laughed, and rolled around on the wolf fur mattress.I found a playmate who wrote a letter to Tianjin, describing our new house, wrote three pieces of letter paper, and drew a picture.Who would hate vulgar boasting of not getting a reply?Everything in my home is considered the pinnacle of beauty.The blue chair cover and the old rose-red carpet are not very harmonious.But I like it, and I also like England, because the word England reminds me of a little red house under a blue sky, while France is a light rainy blue, like bathroom tiles, smelling of pomade, my mother told It rains a lot in England and it's sunny in France, but I can't correct my first impression. My mother also told me that red is the best background to avoid when drawing pictures. The background should look quite far away. The red background always feels close to my eyes, but the walls of my brother’s bedroom and mine are that orange-red color with no distance, which is my choice. , and I like to paint villains with red walls, which are warm and close. In addition to painting, I also played the piano and studied English. It was probably the only time in my life that I had the demeanor of a Western-style lady.In addition, it is full of rich sentimentality. When I saw a flower in the book and heard my mother talk about its history, I actually shed tears.When my mother saw it, she said to my younger brother: You see, my sister didn't cry because she couldn't eat candy!I was praised, and when I was happy, my tears dried up, and I was very embarrassed. Lao She’s second horse was published in the monthly novel, and the magazine arrived every month. My mother sat on the toilet and read it, laughing while reading it, and I leaned against the door frame to laugh.So until now I still like Erma, although Lao She's later divorce trains are much better than Erma.After my father was cured, he regretted it again and asked my mother to contribute money instead of paying for living expenses.He wanted to force her out of all her money, and then she would not be able to leave even if she wanted to.They argued violently, and the frightened servants pulled the child out and told us to be good and mind our own business.My brother and I rode a three-wheeled bicycle quietly on the balcony, neither of us making a sound. On the balcony in late spring, green bamboo curtains were hung, and the ground was covered with dense sunlight. The parents finally agreed to a divorce.My aunt and my father had always disagreed, so they moved away with my mother, and my father moved to a small alley house. (My father has never paid much attention to food, clothing and housing. He only pays attention to transportation, but is willing to spend some money on the car.) Although I did not ask for my opinion on their divorce, I expressed my approval, and I was naturally sad, because that The red and blue home couldn't last.Fortunately, the contract stipulates that I can often visit my mother.I was very happy and comforted when I first saw the floor tiles along the basin and the gas stove in her apartment. Soon my mother left for France, I lived in school, and she came to see me. I didn’t say goodbye, and she seemed very happy that things could pass smoothly and without any trouble, but I know she was thinking: the next generation, how cruel-hearted!Waiting for her to leave the school gate, I looked at the closed red iron gate from a distance through the tall pine fir on the campus, still indifferent, but gradually felt the need for tears in this situation, so the tears came, Sobbing loudly in the cold wind, crying for himself. My mother is gone, but my aunt's house still has her mother's air, delicate jigsaw table, soft colors, and some lovely people come and go that I don't quite understand.All the best I've ever known, spiritual or material, is here, and therefore for me.Spiritual and material goodness have always been integrated. They are not opposed to each other, as most young people think, and there are always conflicts and painful sacrifices. On the other hand, there is my father's house, where I despise everything, opium, the old gentleman who taught my younger brother to do Han Gaozu theory, Zhang Hui novels, and live in a lazy and dusty way.Like the Zoroastrian Persians, I forcibly divided the world into two halves, light and darkness, good and evil, gods and demons.That which is on my father's side is necessarily bad, although I like it sometimes.I like the cloud of opium, the misty sunshine, and the litter of tabloids in the room. (Until now, the large stack of tabloids still gives me a feeling of going home) Reading the tabloids, talking to my father about the jokes among relatives, I know he is lonely, and he likes me when he is lonely.It was always afternoon in my father's room, and after sitting there for a long time, I felt sinking, sinking. On the one hand, I have a bright future plan. After graduating from middle school, I will go to England to study at university. For a while, I want to learn to draw cartoon films and try to introduce Chinese painting styles to the United States.I want to be more in the limelight than Lin Yutang, I want to wear the most fancy clothes, travel around the world, have my own house in Shanghai, and live a neat and tidy life. But here comes a solid, real thing.My father is getting married.The first time my aunt told me this news was on Xiaoyang Terrace in Xia Ye.I cried, because I had read too many novels about my stepmother, and I never thought it would happen to me.I have only one burning feeling: this must not be allowed to happen under any circumstances.If that woman was right in front of me, leaning on the iron railing, I would definitely push her off the balcony, and it would be over once and for all. My stepmother also smoked opium.Not long after we got married, we moved to an old bungalow in the style of the early Republic of China. It was originally our own property, and I was born in that house.There are too many memories of our family in the house, like repeated photocopied photos, the whole air is a bit fuzzy.A place with the sun makes people drowsy, and a place with shadows has the coolness of ancient tombs.The black heart of the house is awake and has a strange world of its own.But at the edge of the boundary between yin and yang, you can see the sun, hear the bell of the tram, and the cloth shop with a big sale repeatedly urging Su San not to cry, in the sun there is only lethargy. I lived in the school and rarely went home. Although I saw my younger brother and the elderly He Gan being tortured at home, it was very unfair, but because it was so rare to come back, I politely and perfunctorily passed it.My father was very proud of my composition and once encouraged me to learn to compose poetry.I have done a total of three Qijue poems, and the second one is "Ode to Xia Yu". There are two scriptures that are thicker and denser, so I also think it is very good: the sound is like a drum to stimulate the flowers, and the first branch of the rain lotus is opened.The third chant of Hua Mulan was too bad, so I lost interest in learning it any further. When I graduated from high school, my mother came back to China. Although I didn't feel a significant change in my attitude, my father did.For him, this is unbearable. After following him for so many years, being fed and educated, his heart is on that side.I made things worse by asking him to study abroad in the form of a speech, and eating and drinking, it was a very bad speech.He lost his temper and said that I was provoked by others.My stepmother scolded me on the spot.Said: Your mother is divorced and still interferes with your family affairs.Since you can't let go here, why don't you come back?It's a pity that I was a step late, and I had to be an aunt when I came back! The Shanghai War happened, and my business was temporarily stopped.Because our home is near the Suzhou Creek, we couldn't fall asleep hearing the sound of cannons at night, so we stayed with my mother for two weeks.On the day I came back, my stepmother asked me: Why didn't you tell me when you left?I said I told my father.She said: Oh, I told my father!Where is there me in your eyes?She slapped me across the face, and I instinctively wanted to fight back, but two old mothers rushed over and stopped me.My stepmother ran upstairs screaming all the way: She hit me!She hit me!At this moment, everything became very clear. In the dark and dark dining room with the shutters down, the meal was already on the table, and there was no goldfish in the goldfish tank, and orange-red algae were traced from the magnetic tank.My father, wearing slippers, rushed downstairs, grabbed me, fisted and kicked, and shouted: You still hit people!If you hit someone, I will hit you!I must kill you today!I felt my head turn to one side and then to the other, countless times, and my ears were deafened.I was sitting on the ground, lying on the ground, and he grabbed my hair and kicked me.It was finally pulled away.I have always been very clear in my heart, remembering my mother's words: If he hits you, don't fight back, otherwise, it will always be your fault if you tell it.So I didn't want to resist.He went upstairs, and I got up and went to the bathroom to look in the mirror, to see the wounds on my body and the red fingerprints on my face, and I was going to report to the police station immediately.When I walked to the gate, I was stopped by the patrolman who guarded the gate and said: The gate is locked, and the key is with the master.I tried to make a fuss, yelled and kicked the door, trying to attract the attention of the guards outside the iron gate, but no, it was not easy to do it.When I got home, my father blew up again, throwing a large vase at my head, tilted slightly, and shattered magnets flew all over the room.After he left, He Gan cried to me and said: How did you get this?Only then did I feel full of grievances, and burst into tears, hugging her and crying for a long time.But she blamed me in her heart, because she cherished me, she was timid for me, afraid that I would offend my father and suffer for the rest of my life; fear made her cold and hard.I cried all day alone in an empty room downstairs, and fell asleep on the mahogany kang bed at night. The next day, when I asked my aunt to intercede, my stepmother sneered when she saw her: Did she come to catch opium?Before she could open her mouth, my father jumped up from the cigarette shop and beat her on the head, wounding my aunt as well, and sent her to the hospital. He didn't report to the police station, because it was too embarrassing for our family. My father threatened to shoot me dead with a pistol.I was temporarily imprisoned in an empty room, and the house I was born in suddenly became strange, like a blue-white white wall in the shadows under the moonlight, one-sided and crazy. Beverley Nichols has a poem about the half-light of a madman: In your heart sleeps the moonlight, and when I read it I think of the blue moonlight on the floor of our house, which kills silently. I also know that my father will never kill me, but I will be locked up for a few years. When I am released, I will not be me anymore. In a few weeks, I will be many years old.I squeezed the wooden railing on the balcony tightly with my hands, as if water could be squeezed out of the wood.Overhead was the magnificent blue sky, and the sky at that time had sound, because the sky was full of planes.I wish a bomb had dropped on our house, and I would die with them. He Gan was afraid that I would escape, so he repeatedly told me: Don't go out of this room!Once you go out, you can't come back.However, I still thought about many escape plans, and the enmity of the Three Musketeers Monte Cristo came to my mind.What I remember most clearly is that a friend of Kyuubi Rizhang Akitani had a lover who made a rope out of a quilt and hammered it out of the window.There is no window facing the street here, so I can only go out from the garden over the wall. There is a goose shed against the wall to step on, but when it is more quiet, what should I do if I startle two geese and scream? In the garden there were big white geese that croaked and chased and pecked each other. The only tree was a tall white magnolia with huge flowers, like dirty white handkerchiefs or waste paper, thrown there and forgotten, and the big white flowers The end of the year.Never was there such a sloppy flower. While plotting my way out, I fell ill with dysentery and almost died.My father does not call a doctor for me, nor does he have any medicine.I was sick for half a year, lying on the bed and looking at the light blue sky in autumn and winter, gray stone antlers were raised on the opposite door tower, and there were two rows of small stone Bodhisattvas under it. Did you also die here dimly?When he died, he was buried in the garden. However, just as I was thinking like this, I also listened to every opening and closing of the gate with all my strength. The patrolman Guzikazi pulled out the rusty latch, and then opened the iron gate with a loud bang.I also heard this sound in my sleep and dreams, as well as the two cinder roads leading to the gate, and the creaking of sand under my feet.Even if they loosened their defenses because I was sick in bed, could they sneak out silently? As soon as I could walk with my hands on the wall, I was ready to flee.First, I asked He Gan about the time when the two patrolmen changed their shifts. In the middle of winter night, I leaned on the window and used a telescope to see clearly that there was no one on the dark road. door, put the binoculars on the milk crate, and dodge out.Really standing on the sidewalk!There is no wind, just the silent cold of the lunar calendar year, and only a piece of cold ashes can be seen under the street lamps, but what an amiable world!I hurried along the street, every foot on the ground was a loud kiss.And I was negotiating with a rickshaw driver not far from home, and I'm so glad I haven't forgotten how to bargain.What a madness!Can be caught again at any time.It was only after things had passed that I realized how funny the adventure was. Later I learned that He Gan was greatly involved because he was suspected of being an accomplice with me.My stepmother gave all my belongings to others, and only treated me as dead.This is the end of my family. I fled to my mother's house, and my younger brother came with me that summer, bringing a pair of basketball shoes wrapped in newspaper, saying that he would not go back.My mother explained to him that she could only afford one person's upbringing financially and therefore could not take him in.He cried, and I cried beside him.Then he finally went back with those basketball shoes. He Gan sneakily smuggled some of my childhood toys out for me as souvenirs. Inside was a folding fan with white ivory bones and light green ostrich feathers. Because of the age, one fan lost its hair and flew all over the sky, making people cough and choke. tears.I still have a similar feeling when I think back to the day when my brother came. I make up books to prepare for the University of London.I was used to being alone in my father's house, and I suddenly wanted to learn to be a man, and it was very difficult to be a lady in a difficult situation.At the same time, I can see that my mother has sacrificed a lot for me, and has been doubting whether I am worth these sacrifices.I also doubt it.I often wandered around on the roof terrace of the apartment alone, and the Spanish-style white walls cut out decisive strips and blocks in the blue sky.Looking up to the scorching sun, I feel that I am standing naked under the sky, being judged like all bewildered underage people because of excessive boasting and self-contempt. At this time, the mother's home is no longer soft. I was admitted to university, but because of the war, I couldn’t go to England, so I changed to Hong Kong. Three years later, because of the war, I returned to Shanghai before finishing my studies.The home in the apartment is still there. Although I don't believe in it so absolutely, it is still cherishable.Now I live in old dreams and dream new dreams in old dreams. As I write this, the wind blowing on my back is a bit cold, I went to close the glass door, and saw a fluffy yellow moon on the balcony. In ancient times, there was Genggu in the night, and now there are clappers selling wontons. For thousands of years, countless people’s dreams have come to fruition.