Chapter 46 The eighth first technique: Patience is the lubricant to relieve verbal conflicts

Forbearance means patience and concession.Sometimes, in verbal communication, we often encounter situations of sharp confrontation. If you don’t want to give in to a certain issue, and you don’t want to have a direct conflict with the aggressive opponent, the best way is to hold back for a while, especially But for both parties who have no conflict of interest, this kind of forbearance is often more common.If you immediately get angry when you hear something that is not to your taste, and speak ill at each other, it will only irritate the other party and form incomprehensible grievances. How to take a step forward in the face of verbal conflicts?

According to legend, once upon a time, an official who was a high-ranking official in Kyoto suddenly received a letter from his son in his hometown, saying that a neighbor of his had occupied the land of one wall of his house because of building a house. The intention of writing a letter to ask his father to be the master is very obvious, that is, to ask his father, who is a high official, to use his power to oppress the other party and return the land.The official thought for a while, and wrote four lines of poems in reply to his son. The poem goes: Thousand miles throwing books are only for the wall,

It doesn't matter if you let him be three feet. The Great Wall still exists today, Who saw Qin Shihuang back then? Seeing that the official was so meek, the neighbors felt ashamed and took down the wall on their own initiative. Compared with his civilian neighbors, this official should be more authoritative.If he uses his power to order the magistrate to intervene in this matter, the magistrate will not ignore it, and the neighbor will walk around if he can't finish eating, and may even form a grudge.Besides, the high-ranking officials in Kyoto will also cause dissatisfaction among the people, and if it is reported to the court, someone may catch it and pour a reference to the emperor. He is likely to throw away the black hat on his head for a piece of land on the wall. !

Precisely because of this high official's deliberation, he chose the method of tolerance to resolve conflicts, and finally gave convenience to others as well as himself.It should be said that this is a very desirable approach. However, there are also examples of enmity between the two parties because of the inability to tolerate conflicts: It is said that when Song Zhezong, his attendant Cheng Yi taught Zhezong Confucianism, he thought he was the reincarnation of Confucius and Mencius, the best in the world, he talked about government affairs, praised and criticized ministers, and taught the emperor without any scruples.Because he lived in Luoyang, the Confucianism he advocated was called Luoxue.

At that time, Su Shi, who was a Hanlin scholar, was also very famous, and many literati joined him to study.Because Su Shi was born in Sichuan, the Confucian classics he advocated is called Shuxue. The two schools each have famous teachers, each has its own power, and they refuse to give in to each other, and often have quarrels. Once, the day of the emperor's celebration coincided with Sima Guang's death.After the ministers participated in the royal celebration, they went to mourn Sima Guang.Cheng Yi accused: "The Analects of Confucius" says that Zi Yu will not sing when he cries every day. Why do you attend the celebration and mourn at the same time?

When Su Shi heard this, he stood up and deliberately laughed and said: Confucius only said to cry but didn't sing, but he didn't sing and didn't cry! His words made everyone laugh.Cheng Yi was brooding. Another time, it was the national taboo day, and the ministers had to fast as usual.On this day, Cheng Yi was in charge of the feast and invited his disciples to eat vegetarian food.Su Shi saw it, and said deliberately: Mr. Cheng doesn't believe in Buddhism, so why is he a vegetarian? Cheng Yi said: According to the etiquette, people are not allowed to drink alcohol or eat meat during mourning, and today is the national death day, so they should be vegetarians.

Su Shi smiled, and immediately confronted him, ordered someone to cook meat dishes, and said in the tone of Liu Bang, the emperor of the Han Dynasty: For Liu's left side! The meaning of this sentence is: the meat eater comes to me. As a result, the Cheng faction was vegetarian, while the Su faction was meat-eating, and the two factions were sharply opposed. Later, Su Shi used Cheng Yi's interference in the government as an excuse to impeach Cheng Yi together with Kong Wenzhong, an admonisher, calling him the leader of the five ghosts, and finally drove Cheng Yi out of Beijing. This is the story of the dispute between Luo and Shu in the history of Chinese Confucian classics.

Both Su Shi and Cheng Yi are famous Confucian scholars, but to play tricks on each other, they refused to give in to each other, and caused such a sharp confrontation over such trivial matters as vegetarianism and meat, which is really not worth it. The above two examples show that patience is easier said than done.To learn to forbear, one must have the mentality of being indifferent to fame and fortune, content with one's lot, and realize the true meaning of forbearance.