Chapter 32 30

November 23, 1916 Invincible steamer English Channel * The journey back from France was dreadful.After quarreling with Ashley, Yin Mozhen left the hut in La Vieville and spent a difficult night locked in a hotel east of Amiens, and saw a long line of refugees passing by on the muddy road.She hadn't eaten since breakfast, and with all the restaurants closed, she had to ask an elderly porter to look outside for food.Half an hour later, he came back soaked, with only a small round piece of country bread under his coat.The bread was wet and had mud on it.Yin Mozhen gave the porter a tip, greedily chewing the piece of bread on the bed, while hearing the distant roar of guns in the darkness.

Her second night was spent in a dingy hotel in Boulogne, waiting for the ferry the next morning, and although she was going crazy, she was afraid to leave the room.She took a bath, but there was no hot water in the middle of the bath, so she sat in the lukewarm bathtub as if paralyzed, unable to move, but felt too cold to stay, wondering if Ashley had Injured in the bombing, wondering why on earth he had to go back to England.She put one hand in the water on her belly, thinking it was starting to get bigger.But it didn't take long before she changed her mind. Yin Mozhen buried her head in the water.As she listened to the quiet hum of the water against her eardrums, and the slight thud of the bracelets against the enamel tub, she imagined somewhere they might escape: the sun was shining white on the fields, the horizon was bigger than they had ever seen in their lives. It was twice as wide.She stayed in the water until her teeth chattered.

Yin Mozhen boarded the boat in the morning.The sky was gray, the wind was strong, and the water in the English Channel was very rough. Several passengers watched the undulating waves on the deck, looking for traces of German submarines.The only other woman on board was a fat nurse in the khaki uniform of the Emergency Nurses Corps.Leaning on the railing next to the life buoy, she scanned the sea with a pair of binoculars.She asked Yin Mozhen to go over and have a look.Yin Mozhen did so, but only saw the same dark water surface, the same white bubbles.Just magnify it ten times.It made her feel dizzy.

The woman lowered her voice.The ship's mast and boom ropes swung high in the air above her head. Have you heard about the Britannia? What? It sank in the Mediterranean yesterday.God knows how many people were on board.Come to think of it, there might be a German sub right below us right now, or a mine Yin Mozhen thanked the woman, returned the binoculars to her, and then continued to walk from the promenade deck to the stern.The nausea came back, and she didn't know if it was the boat or the baby or Ashley, or a combination of it all.She went to the ship's doctor, but he was too busy tending to the wounded to see her.A kind nurse gave Yin Mozhen a bottle of medicine for seasickness.The medicine smelled like bitter herbs, alcohol, and sweet mint all combined, making Emmaine feel even worse when she returned to the deck, the horizon rolling, the air filled with icy spray, and the two chimneys above her constantly shaking. Black smoke is emitted.She held on to the railing and watched the surging waves crash against the hull.

Everything is wrong.For weeks, she passed the long nights restlessly, terrified that Ashley would die, imagining that it would be a bullet or a shell that would find him, wondering if she would feel the slightest tremor in the ground, or The rustle of the grass.But when disaster finally came, there was no shock and no warning, because somehow going to France had caused her to destroy what she wanted to save.And so was he. Yin Mozhen suddenly realizes that Ashley is not the only one who is in danger.All of them may sink to the bottom of the water, and everyone's life will disappear in an instant.It can happen to everyone, on land or at sea: the naval officers on the bridge with their golden lace, the ladies drinking tea in Mayfair and Begravia, sketching Vera in the National Gallery Art student at the Velazquez work.Even in Whitehall, which never locks, in places like the War Office and the Admiralty that dominate the empire, the men in frock coats and gray suede gloves are all more vulnerable than they think, so much more .Because nothing is certain, especially those things that a person depends on for survival.

Yin Mozhen took out the bottle of medicine from her coat pocket, threw it over the railing, and watched it turn over and over until it disappeared into a piece of gray.It seemed that it took several hours for the boat to reach Folkestone.Yin Mozhen boarded the shuttle train, and at dawn, the conductor entered her small box and lowered the curtains used to prevent air raids.The electric lights were too dim to read, and she didn't know they were in London until at last the conductor opened the door of the little compartment. Miss, this is the terminal.Charing Cross Road station. She took a taxi to Cavendish Square, entered the house, and climbed the carpeted stairs to her room.She dropped her coat on the floor, then pulled off the three-day-old silk jumpsuit.She left a spare at La Vieville.Her bed, with its Turkish sheets and soft bolsters, seemed alien.She was already fast asleep when she heard the door open in the dark.Yin Mozhen turned her back to the door, pulled the quilt over her shoulders and covered it tightly.The door closed again.

By morning, they were all waiting for her in the living room: her father leaning against the clock on the mantelpiece, a smoldering cigar in his hand; on the lap; Eleanor sat on the piano chair with her knees tightly together.Her father coughed lightly twice. Yin Mozhen.It's time we talked. Yin Mozhen looked at her sister, but Eleanor turned her head to look at the window.So Yin Mozhen looked at her father. Didn't Eleanor tell you I went to Surrey and stayed at Beatrice's?I was supposed to go home yesterday, but the train was disrupted by the Zeppelin Her father flicked a cigar on the ashtray on the mantelpiece.

She told us all.Father said: We have more pressing matters to discuss. He gets to the point quickly.He made Yin Mozhen suddenly understand that the whole matter is not as simple as she can decide. The shame she caused will not only affect her, but will involve all four of them, even the furthest house of Anderson or Soames. relatives. You think you can make decisions just for yourself, but the choices you make affect us all. Yin Mozhen collapsed on the chair.She hadn't showered since she got back, and her hair and skin still smelled of salt water.Her father went on, outlining the consequences of having a child out of wedlock, and the difficulties that Yinmozhen, the child, and the whole family would encounter.In this speech, Yin Mozhen's mother only said a few words to echo her.Her father began to question her:

Are you saying this guy won't marry you? Yin Mozhen covered her face with her hands.She felt that nauseous feeling come back. I don't want to get married. But what about his wishes? His wishes are not important.this is my life Yin Mozhen, is he willing or not? Yin Mozhen looked at her father.Her voice was grim. He doesn't want to. Can he afford it? She glared at him, too angry to speak, her fingers clutching the bracelet on her wrist.Her father didn't respond. You don't have to care about money now.But then you'll have to care. He can afford it.Eleanor said softly: He makes thousands a year, that's what Charles heard.They said that his uncle was so rich that he almost left everything to him.

Yin Mozhen turned her head in surprise.She had never heard of Ashley's money, and when she was about to ask Eleanor, her mother began to speak in a very calm tone, obviously expecting it. Honey, you may think my words are cruel at first.But Dad and I have thought about this very seriously, and I promise you it's in everyone's best interest.The most important thing is to treat you well Although Yin Mozhen couldn't stand listening, she still understood their plan a little bit.Eleanor would announce that she had a baby; Emmaine would write to tell Ashley that she had miscarried; the two sisters would go to Sweden, ostensibly to spend the winter of wartime rationing and bombing, and to live comfortably in a neutral country; The sisters live in a farmhouse, isolated from the outside world, and the secret of Yin Mozhen's pregnancy can be kept well; a nurse who is hired to live with her will help Yin Mozhen give birth; Eleanor returns to England with the baby, Raise him as his own.This plan cleverly solved all the problems, the reputation of Yin Mozhen and the whole family will not be damaged, the children will not grow up under the stigma, and Eleanor can also have the child that Charles and she have been unable to have.

Yin Mozhen was shocked.She got up and cursed at them, mostly at her sister. Take care of your own life!this is my life with my kids calm down honey Eleanor stood up and touched Yin Mozhen's shoulder lightly, but Yin Mozhen backed away. Can't believe you're telling them.why are you telling themWhy? You can't handle this on your own. I'm going to have to deal with this myself. Her father put out his cigar. So how are you going to support yourself?or children?Twelve hours a day at the arsenal at Woolwich making shells, with a day off every fortnight?Yin Mozhen, you are only nineteen years old, and you have no idea what it's like to be self-reliant in this world.You have never experienced it before, and I hope God will not let you have such a day! No one spoke.Eleanor sat down and looked out the window.Yin Mozhen's mother walked up to her, held her hand, and knelt down in front of her. You must think of us, Yinmozhen.Think about what they will say.Think about Dad's situation, and you'll know he's just trying to protect us.Gosh, think about your kids too.Don't you want your child to be happy and live a life of choice like you? Yin Mozhen shook her head.Does every British girl have a family that makes decisions for her?And will take away her child? Her father sneered.He took another cigar from the box on the mantel, but was too excited to light it. You're a kid yourself, he retorted: otherwise we wouldn't have these conversations at all.Yin Mozhen, we are not here to beg your consent.I will not let the reputation of this family be jeopardized by your girlish whims.If you don't take your mother's way, take mine, and I'm sure you won't like it any better.When I think about you ignoring real good people for this motherfucker, my anger goes up Do you know what he's like again? I know what he did to you. And you think I'm naive.Why don't you think I did this to him? They stared at her dumbfounded.Yin Mozhen also looked at them, as if she had never seen them in her life.Her father's forehead was a little red, muttering to himself, cutting off the end of the cigar with silver scissors, and then struck a match; the mother held Yin Mozhen's hand and whispered that Yin Mozhen was too young to Knowing the tragic consequences of her father's fragile position, the blockade and the German submarines, Sweden is left with coal given by the Germans, and now the Russians are in trouble too. Not to mention the scandal of the envoy's niece in Paris last time. Half of it is difficult now, and it's not wartime; and Eleanor, what Yin Mozhen hates most now is Eleanor, she has never hated anyone so much, and Eleanor still refuses to look at her sister eyes, and only turned his head to the window, smoothing out the creases in his skirt. This will follow you forever.Yin Mozhen's mother said softly: You are too young to understand what that means, but I know some women who, after twenty years, still feel that someone is talking about themselves before entering a certain room Yin Mozhen wasn't listening.She swallowed and said something stupid and hateful to them, barely knowing what she was talking about, and then rushed into the hall, grabbed her handbag, and pulled out her umbrella so hard that the basket fell over , the other umbrellas, walking sticks, and Grandpa's silver-headed cane all fell out.Regardless of the things on the ground, she ran out, slammed the door, and crossed the square before anyone else caught up. She didn't know where she was going.The sky was drizzling, and Yin Mozhen walked west up Oxford Street. The shops, sidewalks, vans, and buses kept appearing and disappearing, and her thoughts were racing wildly.She recalled Eleanor two weeks ago, when Yin Mozhen told her that she was pregnant, and Eleanor immediately fell silent, then held her hand and said everything would be fine.She remembered that night at the Langham Hotel with Ashley, the lights were turned off, the curtains were drawn down, Ashley kissed her bare shoulders, said that no matter what happened to him in France, everything would be fine, and that he really loved someone, It's the best thing in anyone's life, even if it's only for a week (Don't say such things,) Yin Mozhen told him. (Don't say that, Ashley.) As Emmaine crossed Vail Street, it rained heavily, and the paper boy ran to the door of Marshall & Snelgrove to shelter from the rain.But Yin Mozhen was already soaked, and cold water flowed from her neck into the collar of her dress.She walked through Hyde Park to Knightsbridge until a white-haired man on the Brompton Road saw her weeping on the pavement.He held up his umbrella to shield her from the pouring rain. Excuse me, miss, you're all soaked, you'll get pneumonia.Is there anything I can do to help? It took Yin Mozhen five minutes to convince him to leave her alone, and made up a story that she never held an umbrella when it rained since she was a child, and she didn't mind getting wet at all.The man shook his head and looked at her in the rain. Miss, we all have something to lose in this war.But we still have to do our best. Yin Mozhen took the man's umbrella and walked back across the corner of Hyde Park.She went into a bureau de change in Piccadilly and had the remainder of her francs exchanged for English currency, but she had spent so much on her journey in France that she had only one pound and six shillings left.At the Regent Street Post Office, she wrote two separate telegrams to Ashley, then tore them up in frustration.He's too far away and doesn't seem to change anything no matter what she says.She went on to a Westminster Bank branch, but no teller would let her draw money from her father's account, even if she had a checkbook, and then she decided to leave while they went to the supervisor, to avoid further embarrassment later. . (You must not despair. You must not overthink. Keep going.) Yin Mozhen walked to the British Mountaineering Association on Savile Row.Although the office was closed, the gatekeeper of the association came to answer the door, so Yin Mozhen asked Hugh.Price's address in London.The janitor shook his head.He said Mr Price did not live in London and was supposed to be serving in France. Miss, I think you are shaking.Do you want to come in and warm up? You're such a nice guy, but I'm really in a hurry It was getting darker and darker, Yin Mozhen quickened her pace, trying to stop the trembling of her body.She had to change into dry clothes.She went to three hotels, but they were all too expensive, Yin Mozhen had to save money, and at the end the receptionist said he couldn't introduce cheap hotels to the young lady.She ended up at the YWCA on Baker Street and paid two shillings and got a membership card, a bed, and a cold room with nothing but a little table and a Bible.The lights were off and someone was snoring in the other bed.Yin Mozhen hung up her soaked coat and dress, pulled up the thin sheet to cover herself, and she was still wearing a wet cotton petticoat.The blankets were itchy and smelled like mothballs.She reads the posters on the wall in the moonlight. □□□ to young girls in london ∮ Is your Mr. Right in military uniform yet? If not, don't you think he should? ∮ If he doesn't think you and your country are worth fighting for Do you think he deserves to be with you? ∮ If yours neglects his duty to king and country, Then he may ignore you. ∮ think carefully and ask him go to the army today She had a strong urge to tear off the poster, but it was hanging above another woman's bed, and Yin Mozhen didn't have the strength to get up.She turned her back to the poster, curled her legs, and wrapped herself tightly in the sheet and blanket.Yin Mozhen slept intermittently for several hours.Sometimes she would cry, and she hated crying herself. Thinking of the girls who cried in this room, she was angry that she was like them;At eleven o'clock the girl in the other bed got up and dressed in the dark, changing into overalls and a hat.The girl left without saying anything.Yin Mozhen continued to stay on the bed. At about five o'clock, she was so insomnia that she was going crazy, so she tried to count down from one hundred, trying to fall asleep, first in English, then French, German, Swedish, but she counted too fast and never passed. After a while, the heartbeat also accelerated.Yin Mozhen threw off the blanket and hurriedly put on her clothes, which were still as wet as before.She walked along Baker Street in the gray morning, and said a lot in one breath: (You're doomed. You won't make it through the night without a baby to care for.) After a while, she began talking to Ashley and the child, telling silly and extravagant things, vowing to love the child more than herself, and being sure that the child would grow up to be kind, as brave and upright as his father.The sky grew brighter with each street she passed, and by the time she reached Cavendish Square the sun was warming the pavement.Yin Mozhen disappeared for twenty hours and walked eight miles.Her legs are sore, there is an inflammation in the left shoe, she guesses there may be blisters; she is tired, hungry, thirsty, and angry with everyone in the world, mostly at herself, because she made her own vows won't do.She went up the steps, put the key in the lock and turned it. It was very quiet inside.Yin Mozhen saw herself in the mirror in the hall: short disheveled hair, deep dark circles under her eyes.She went downstairs and into the kitchen.Her mother and the cook stood in front of the gas stove, still holding a large wooden spoon.Yin Mozhen's voice was very high-pitched: If I go, I hope to go right away.I can't stand being in London anymore. The cook looked away at the pot.Her mother was about to answer when Yin Mozhen walked out of the kitchen.