Chapter 36 34

December 30, 1916 Aiyan Lake Sweden, Dalarna County * Eleanor was always the first to get up.Here the sun rises late, casting a hazy haze on a world already covered in heavy snow.As soon as the day came, Eleanor would get up instinctively, as if her body had been trained to make the most of the harsh Nordic winter daylight. The problem wasn't that Yin Mozhen slept late.Instead, she stayed in bed.The days were short and cold, and if her sister did not rise until noon, she would see less than three hours of dim sunlight.Anyone's mood can be affected by this gloom.So every morning Eleanor would go down the hallway to find Emmaine, and find her eyes open, staring blankly at the thin gray light that came in through the thick curtains.Eleanor would draw the curtains; Emmagene would continue to look where she had been, looking through the leaded panes of the window frame.

Honey.Eleanor would say something like: You should draw the curtains yourself. Then Eleanor would lean in and kiss her sister lightly on the forehead. For Yin Mozhen, it was not only Leksand who was completely unfamiliar, but also her own life.It was a lot like a sentence for a private crime: spending the winter in a rough hut in the far north of civilization, cut off from society at large, with only her sister and an elderly Swedish housekeeper.The house, the snow, and the isolation are not what Yin Mozhen cares about.She often fantasizes about this kind of life.What bothered her was how she came to be what she was.

No matter how much Yin Mozhen traces back the events that brought her to this point, she still can't find what's wrong, what's wrong that caused her to fall into this misfortune, and the most uncomfortable thing is that she can't change the situation.She can't go back.But if she knew what she was doing wrong, she might be able to find clues to what made her what she was; maybe she could use that knowledge to remedy everything.Inmogen recalled an article she had read about a Brazilian doctor's wonderful serum proven to be effective against the poison of rattlesnakes and vipers: those vials of antidote were stored in a laboratory and produced from the venom in a miraculous way.So where is her antidote?To snap her back to six weeks ago, to give her the chance to relive the scene where some little mistake made everything spin out of control?

However, Leksand's sense of illusion still affected Yin Mozhen, and every time she resisted the arrival of a new day, this feeling became stronger, like those icicles extending down from the shingle roof, getting longer and longer.This was her life now, and she wouldn't live with the low, sloping pine ceilings; Eleanor in goloshes and raincoat lighting a fire in the barn below, and Mrs. Haslow pouring water into the pitcher; The snow kept accumulating around the house, obscuring the only verdant meadow that Inmozhen remembered from her visits from previous summers. Eleanor was different.She takes comfort in such a predicament.Eleanor felt that her sacrifice was meaningful because she was helpful and happy to sacrifice for the sister she had always protected.Besides, now that the whole of Europe is suffering, Eleanor also hopes to share some of her strength: like being isolated from the outside world for six months, spending a Scandinavian winter in the wilderness, and raising a child who is not her own. out of the child.

For Eleanor, the child was both a burden and a gift.Though she'd always wanted a baby of her own, the odds dwindled as the seasons passed and the doctors' efforts grew more and more futile.Charles, who was practical by nature, immediately agreed to accept the idea of ​​​​Emergen's children, and wrote several letters from Palestine in haste, reasoning at length, thinking that this project would solve the frustration of their efforts for two years.However, he seemed to accept it too simply, and Eleanor still couldn't believe it.She knew it was abnormal, and she couldn't forget it.Beyond Inmogene's reluctance, apart from the fact that they had to lie to Charles' family about the pregnancy, Eleanor still didn't think it was right.

Eleanor had lost something she could never get again, and the invisible presence of her own child felt so real to her that no matter what the doctors said, she couldn't give it up.But now she finally has a baby.Although Eleanor knew in her heart that this was not a business, it felt like an evil transaction, a sin she felt all the time.Whenever she averted her eyes because of Yin Mozhen's body changing and expanding, she would feel guilty; whenever she imagined but tried not to think that the child who was taking shape would look like Yin Mozhen or Ashley , maybe even a bit like herself, but never being like Charles would make her feel guilty.Sometimes she couldn't bear the uneasiness and just hoped the stain would go away with the birth and not linger for years.But she wasn't sure either.

All this prompts Eleanor to seek the last consolation of her work.Although she has always wanted to hide in the countryside and be creative, she is easily distracted like her sister. There are always lunches, exhibitions, speeches and other events in the city to attract her attention.There are absolutely no distractions here.The only people the sisters interact with are Mrs. Haslow, the housekeeper, and Dr. Lindbergh of the village.The nurses will not be coming from the UK until the end of January.Eleanor saw the grocer occasionally, but he was a man of few words, and Ilinor spoke Swedish very poorly, and she was too embarrassed to have too many conversations with him.Since her arrival in Sweden, Eleanor had visited relatives in Stockholm once, but she had done so only to avoid sending them to Leksand where they might not find out what had happened to Immorgen.But no one actually thought of coming here.

So Eleanor focused on painting, working all morning in the old barn that had been converted into a studio.Before the sisters arrived, Mrs. Haslow had a wood-burning stove installed, and a large easel, still in a box, had been ordered from Stockholm for Eleanor's use.Now she puts on two scarves and a thick blanket stained with colorful oil paints every day to spend the cold morning painting.Because even if the stove keeps burning, it can't keep the whole barn warm. The few canvases that Eleanor had brought from London had bothered her a lot, but she hadn't started using them yet because there were so many subjects.Since her arrival at Leksand, Ilinor had painted two scenes of cottages, the blood-red hues of which fascinated her; a portrait of Mrs. Haslow as a peasant woman; The subject of transformation into a mother fascinated Eleanor because she had never imagined her sister being pregnant.For weeks, Inmogen refused to pose nude for her to paint, but one afternoon she came to the studio and began undressing without saying a word.Eleanor must have burned at least fifty logs that day, and even the rafters above were covered with billows of smoke, but Yin Mozhen still trembled when she sat and posed, her hands were clenched into fists, and her skin seemed pale blue and pale. Pale, especially her eyes like freezing rain.Yin Mozhen maintained the same posture for several hours and never complained.And the result is so captivating, it has a special appeal; a pregnant girl, with her hands and legs tightly crossed, is very disturbed, and her watchful face seems to be waiting for a miracle or a disaster.Eleanor thought it the best of all her sketches, because she knew she would have to destroy them one day.Although she doesn't do it yet.

Eleanor stayed a little longer in Immorgen's room this morning when she noticed some dust gathering in the pores of the planks on the floor.Curiously, she stuck a finger into the gap.As a result, the fingers immediately turned gray.She will come to clean up this afternoon. Eleanor filled a glass of water from the jug and put it on Immozen's nightstand; they had ordered a bed table from Stockholm, but it hadn't arrived yet.Yin Mozhen turned over on the bed. gosh.Yin Mozhen muttered: Why do you have to get up so early? I have no idea.I guess the two of us were born for this kind of place.

Only one is suitable. Then you're not the right one.Eleanor joked: Are you feeling unwell? Yin Mozhen turned her head, but did not answer.Eleanor kissed her younger sister on the forehead and plodded down the stairs, which was her method of waking Mrs. Haslow, who would otherwise have dozed off till nine o'clock.Yinmozhen stuffed an extra pillow behind her head.She put her hands on her belly under the covers, which she often does now, with her palms cupped to feel the swelling of her belly, which is not obvious to the naked eye yet. Yin Mozhen thought to herself, she shouldn't have come to Sweden.She shouldn't have done this.She could marry Ashley and keep the child to herself; she could follow him instead of her family.While it meant sacrificing her ego and living a different life than she had imagined, doing so would allow her to keep the two most important things in her life, Ashley and her children, at least as long as Ashley was alive.

But Yin Mozhen couldn't bear the current life.The waiting had been unbearable long before Ashley was injured, and the news of his death devastated her even more.When Yin Mozhen boarded the boat to France, she was still in constant fear, even though she knew he was safe in the hospital.Ashley will soon be back on the front lines.Yin Mozhen just couldn't bear to think about it, just to live through a week full of endless fear, let alone months or years.And the child will only make things worse, because Yin Mozhen still thinks that the child will grow up without a father.She let Ashley decide, and he chose war. But did they really choose, or did they just succumb to forces they felt were irresistible?Inmogen remembers walking back to Cavendish Square after that night at the YWCA and telling her mother she would like to go to Sweden.It means she chooses to put her children's happiness first, or so she believes she does.She did the right thing.But it didn't feel right at all.Yin Mozhen understands now that it was then that she relinquished control of her life and let someone else take the helm, or simply drifted along. Yin Mozhen sat up from the bed and took a few sips of water from the glass on the bedside table.She thought of the letters in the drawer, the most recent of which was only ten days old.Yin Mozhen secretly agreed with the maid to send and receive her letter among other letters.Even if Eleanor had doubted it, she didn't say it. Yin Mozhen thought those letters were scary.Ashley wrote to her from his recovery ward in Étaples, then his residence in La Calotrie.He expressed his love for her with all his heart.Sometimes he wrote about his duty to his brothers in the army, but he never mentioned their quarrels.Even though he hadn't heard from her since Soames left five weeks ago, he still wrote every few days. (God, answer me, honey,) he wrote. (Even if it is a rejection, at least let me know that you are doing well and have decided to leave me.) Ashley not only asked about her situation, but also mentioned their children; he said that he would be the most loving father, willing to give everything for Yinmozhen and their family.He doesn't ask for anything from her, just a second chance. (You want too much,) she thought. (You don't even know what you want.) It started snowing at night.Mrs. Haslow made some bean soup for supper, but there was no pork in it, because when she went to the grocer yesterday, she couldn't get any meat but the usual canned herring, which the sisters didn't want anymore. something.The three women ate in silence.Suddenly, said Mrs. Haslow, the lake seemed to have frozen hard.Yin Mozhen scooped mustard into the soup, then looked up at Eleanor. What is a skridskor? skates.She means we can go ice skating soon I do not want. Yin Mozhen took a bite of the hard rye cake.Mrs. Haslow asked them if they wanted muffins for dessert, because she had a lot of flour, and if Emmaine wasn't feeling well, she should eat more for the sake of the baby.Yin Mozhen apologized with a smile, and told her that maybe she could have muffins tomorrow. Mrs Haslow went to bed after clearing the table.Yin Mozhen brought out her crochet needle and the blanket she had been knitting for weeks.Twice she has asked Mrs. Haslow to come into town to order more yarn, but rationing in Sweden is getting stricter, and the yarn that arrived yesterday was a different color than the original one, more navy blue than indigo , the thickness is not enough.But Yin Mozhen continued to use it. Eleanor took a broom and began sweeping.She looked at the blanket and smiled. Really good knitting.No one will mind the color difference.Actually I like it very much.Is it a long needle? Yin Mozhen's gaze was still on the crochet needle. double length needle. When you finish weaving, you can keep one or two elephants warm.Maybe it can cover a battleship.Imagine those heroic Swedish merchant captains dodging German submarines all the way to deliver you indigo yarn. Goods are better than bombs. Eleanor yawned.yes.Honey, I'm going to bed, I'm really tired.Do you want to go upstairs too?you can do the rest Yin Mozhen looked at Eleanor.The bone crochet needle didn't budge in her hand. You mean for the baby. You need it too. But you don't care about me.You only care about children. Of course I care about you.It's just that sometimes you're so mean to me I don't know what to do very simple.get me out of here. Eleanor paused.She swallowed, looking at the floor. Yin Mozhen, you can't just change your mind now.It was too late. They started arguing, and the content fell into an endless loop.Yin Mozhen wanted to continue knitting while talking, but she became more and more unhappy. After a while, Eleanor also put down her broom and sat down at the table, ready to face the dispute.Tonight Yin Mozhen seemed particularly agitated, angrier, sadder, and more anxious than before.Around midnight, she threw the blanket on the floor, cursing that she couldn't stand being locked up in this house anymore. You can't lock me up here.Nothing can keep me here. Honey. This is not my life.I would rather die than live someone else's life.Is this what you want? Yin Mozhen Did you know I didn't write to him?Of course you do.So do you know why I don't write? Please, Yin Mozhen.calm down. Because I don't want to lie to him.If you want a baby, go and have one yourself, it's not my fault you can't have one.I need to get out of here.I'm going back to him and you'll never see me again.And you'll never see the baby either. Eleanor turned her head away and began to wipe the table with a cloth.She suddenly turned around and looked at Yin Mozhen. So you're trying to change your mind now, and you're blaming me for your problems.But who made you like this?Do you think it's me? This method is not what I thought. But you made your own decision to come here.Yin Mozhen, what happened to your life?After all, you should be a more talented person, right?Pa would always boast to Mr. Wallenberg and the others that Emmaine had gotten good at Greek in nine months, and make her governess pay back, thinking she ought to get a better teacher.Yin Mozhen only needs to read a poem or listen to a sonata to memorize it enough. This is real.But what I want to know is, if you're more talented, why are you doing nothing but staring at the ceiling or knitting that smelly blanket while I'm painting in that smelly barn all day?Is this the life you dream of being twice as smart as anyone, wasting that talent, getting into depression, and then raising a blue child?You can't do that alone.Yinmozhen, it's not that I made you waste a year in London instead of taking the exam.It's not me that made us quarrel at one o'clock in the middle of the night.And I didn't make us come to Sweden, it's just because you can't bear to wait for Ashley Try it if you dare to say it! Did I said wrong thing?Two months ago, you told me Ashley wanted to get married.You seem to find it amusing and eccentric.But now you're pregnant and you tell your dad that he won't get married.Then he seemed to send another pile of letters. Yin Mozhen gasped.Have you read those letters? I don't have to look.I know why we are here.Just because you can't do what British women do every day, which is to support the man you love wholeheartedly. Support him to die? He's a soldier, Yin Mozhen.He was a soldier when you knew him, you just kept ignoring that.And when you finally understood the significance of this, you decided to despise everyone and raise your children on your own.You didn't cooperate until now when your father told you that this was impossible and proposed to come to Sweden.You are willing to keep silent while we tell the Graftons and half London that I am pregnant.You made Charles and I do whatever it takes to prepare this house for a baby, and you came all the way here without complaint.But as soon as we got to Sweden when you knew it was too late for us to turn back you said you couldn't do it because someone wanted what you had and you couldn't give it It was never my choice.It was my father who forced me. Because you refuse to accept ordinary choices.You only want the impossible.Can't you see it?If the world wants one thing, you must choose another, and that's it!Ashley loves you, and you are very satisfied, because he will only stay in England for a week, and after that you will write letters every day, telling him all kinds of love words, so that he will always think of you when he is in France.you will have sex with him immediately Shut up! You did it, didn't you?But you can't support him because it's too difficult. you don't understand.I just want to save him, so that the two of us can live a good life. Eleanor sneered.I know more than you do.Isn't the book I read the same as yours?Isn't it the same book you took from my bookshelf to read after a few years?Do you think Charles wants to join the army, or I want him to leave for Palestine?certainly not!But part of growing up is caring about other people and accepting their responsibilities.Even if things aren't perfect.Especially at that time.It's not a bad thing to have lofty ideals for the world, but Yin Mozhen, you don't like anything!Ashley can't satisfy you, Dad is driving you crazy, and now I can't please you either.I don't deny that we're both stuck here, but not even hating each other can get us out.You always feel that it's not good as long as you can't make up your own mind, but there are always limits This is my life, I cannot give it to others! you can.In a way, you have to.Women can't just live for themselves.Maybe you can say that in your mouth, but you can't.Not even a man can do it and live happily ever after, let alone a woman. how do you knowHow long did you live for yourself before you handed over your life to the first good man who proposed to you? Eleanor narrowed her eyes at Yin Mozhen. You are such a child.A person who is as naive as a child is about to have a child of his own, and I am afraid when I think about it.You don't even know what you're talking about, or I wouldn't forgive you.You think you're smarter than all of us, and maybe you are, but I think you're just more stubborn. Yin Mozhen shook her head. Then you tell me what to do.If you are so smart, tell me what can be done, how to fix everything and make everyone happy. Goodness, that's the point!You have to give up something.You can't make everyone happy, but you don't want to make anyone happy either!Choose your family, or choose Ashley, or even yourself or everyone, just like you always wanted to do.But don't change your mind easily.And don't blame me for your problems. Yin Mozhen looked into the stove.They hadn't added wood for hours, and both sat with arms folded in the cold.Yin Mozhen stood up suddenly. I have chosen.I want to leave. She went upstairs, took out the large travel bag, and threw the skirt and blouse into it.Eleanor came into the room and begged her to stop, saying Mrs. Haslow would be woken up, and if it went on the housekeeper would be sure to notify her. Let her inform.Yin Mozhen said: Anyway, after I leave, you don't need her anymore. Yin Mozhen put on her coat and struggled to put on her snowshoes. Eleanor looked at her, wanting to help but feeling that she shouldn't.Yinmozhen rushed down the stairs and out the front door, hatless and with her coat buttoned just below her neck. It's very cold outside.In the darkness, Yin Mozhen staggered up the winding path leading to the pier, trying to follow the footsteps that had just been covered in snow.Eleanor shuffled along not far behind, buttoning up her coat and holding a candle in the other. Come on in, we'll freeze up here.think baby you might hurt You only care about the baby. You are already hysterical.we have to go back I will never go back there again.Never again! Yin Mozhen staggered through the shredded shadows.She accidentally stepped off the path and into knee-high snow.Eleanor grabbed her sister by the shoulders, but she pulled away and continued down, weaving through the woods, duffel bag dangling in her hand.She fell twice with snow on her back before she approached the shore, plodding among the rocks. Yin Mozhen finally arrived at the pier.She ran along the pier and stopped on the last loose plank, with a wide expanse of frozen lake ahead.It looks empty here, just a desolate white.Eleanor chased after her, trying to take off her hat and put it on for Yin Mozhen, but Yin Mozhen broke free.Eleanor's candle was extinguished.Their faces were hidden in the darkness. let me go.I can't do it.I know I said yes, but I can't.We can make mistakes, right?Our life can't end just because of one mistake I didn't force you to stay here. Could it be someone else! then go for it.Run away from here and see if you can solve everything.I won't stop you. Yin Mozhen was trembling.Her coat was still unbuttoned above the neck, and she clutched at the collar with her bare hands.She forgot to put on her gloves and now both hands are shaking. I don't want to live without him. Eleanor watched her sister trembling by the lake.Finally, she put her hat on Yinmozhen's head and hugged her.They walked slowly down the path back to the house. I cannot live without him, Eleanor.I thought I could, but I can't. I know.Shh, dear.I know.