Chapter 4 Part Two (2) 14

Walter was still there when she got home.She would have gone straight to her room, but Walter was downstairs in the drawing-room giving orders to a boy.She was already disheartened, and she was not afraid of encountering the humiliation that was bound to come this time.She stopped and faced him. I will go to that place with you.she says. uh, good. When do you want me to be ready? Tomorrow evening. His absent-minded tone stabbed her like a spear.She suddenly had the courage not to know where it came from, and said something that surprised even herself. Presumably I only need to bring some summer clothes and buy a shroud to be complete, isn't it?

She watched his expression and knew that this frivolous remark had angered him. I have already told your servant what you need to bring. She nodded and went upstairs to her room.She is too weak. They were finally reaching their destination.These days, they have been carried by sedan chairs day and night along a narrow causeway lined by rice fields as far as the eye can see.At dawn they packed up and set off, until the scorching heat at noon forced them to stop and get into a small shop by the roadside to rest.After a short while, they have to leave immediately and arrive at a small town before the sun goes down. According to the plan, this small town is where they will spend the night.Katie's sedan chair went first, followed by Walter.Behind them is a row of sweaty hard laborers, who are responsible for carrying bedding, daily household items and Walter's research equipment.Katie was dismissive of the country scene.During the long journey, the heart-wrenching scene in Charlie's office tormented her.Along the way, I seldom heard people talking, that is, a porter occasionally uttered a word or two, or someone opened his throat and sang a ditty.She went over her conversation with Charlie from beginning to end, and thought sadly that they had had a dull and heartless conversation.She didn't say a word that she was going to spit out quickly, and the original lovable words disappeared.If she could convince him how much she loves him, how much she desires him, and how much she needs him, he will definitely cherish him and not abandon him.She was stunned at the time, and when his words made it clear that he didn't want to care about her at all, she wondered if she had heard it wrong.This can also explain why she didn't cry loudly at that time, she seemed to be terrified.Since then, she has been weeping bitterly to herself and has never stopped.

If it was an overnight stay at an inn, where she shared a superior room with Walter, and her husband lay sleepless in a camp bed a few steps away from her, she would bite the pillow with her teeth to keep herself from falling asleep. Cry a little.In the daytime, because of the gauze curtain of the sedan chair, she would shed her tears unscrupulously.The pain she felt was so severe that she wanted to tear out her throat and scream at any moment.She had never imagined that a human being could suffer so horribly, and she asked herself in despair what wrong thing had caused her to suffer.Why Charlie didn't love her puzzled her.According to her guess, she should have made some mistake.However, she has tried her best to please him.They have always been sweet and harmonious when they are together, laughing and laughing.They are not just lovers, but close friends.She doesn't understand.Her heart is broken.She told herself she hated Charlie and despised him.But thinking about how she would live if she never saw Charlie again in this life.If Walter had brought her to Meitan Mansion to punish her, then he had miscalculated.Now that her heart is ashamed, what else is there to be afraid of?She couldn't live for a moment.However, it seems too cruel to die at the young age of twenty-seven.

fifteen Walter could not stop reading his book as the steamboat sailed up the West River.When it was time to eat, he would try to chat with her.He talked about insignificant trifles, as if she were a lady he had never met on a trip with him.It seemed to Katie that he spoke only as a gentleman's courtesy, or to remind her of the unbridgeable gulf between them. At first she thought that Walter would forgive her in time.However, with her charm, let this matter be over, she is still a little too confident.Big water can't quench the fire of love. If he loves her, he will soften his heart sooner or later, and he will continue to love her irresistibly.She wasn't so sure about that, however.At night when he was sitting on the straight-backed black wooden chair of the inn reading, the light from the horse lantern hit his face, and she was able to observe him carefully.She was lying on a straw mat that had already been called a bed, and the light could not shine on her, so there was no need to worry about being noticed by him.The flat lines of his face gave him a serious expression, and it was impossible to squeeze a sweet smile from this face.He read the book calmly, as if he didn't think she existed at all.She saw him turn a page, his eyes wandering back and forth across the pages.It seemed he wasn't thinking wildly.When the table was set and supper was brought in, he put away his book and glanced at her (he hadn't realized how striking his expression was in the light).It was a look of disgust that scared her out of her wits.Yes, she was too frightened, had his love disappeared?Is he really going to kill her?That's ridiculous, that's the behavior of a madman.Walter might have gone mad, and she shuddered at the uncanny thought.

The bearers who had been silent for a long time suddenly made a noise, and one of them said a word to her, making gestures to get her attention.She could not understand what he said, but following his gestures, she saw an arch rising up the hillside.She had seen many such arches since she had come ashore, and she knew now that they were dedicated to some blessed sage or chaste widow.But this one is a bit different, it forms a beautiful silhouette in front of the gradually setting sun.Yet somehow it gave her a sense of foreboding.It seemed to have some special meaning, but what it was she couldn't say.It stood there, a vague threat, or a mockery of her?They walked into a bamboo forest.Pieces of bamboo grew crookedly for some reason, pressing down obliquely on the causeway, as if trying to block her way.There was no wind in the summer evening, but the green and slender bamboo leaves seemed to be shaking slightly, as if someone was hiding in the bamboo forest, watching her pass by.They finally reached the foot of the mountain, and the rice fields were gone.The bearers circled back and forth, because the mountain was covered with mounds of weeds.They are close together one by one, and at first glance they look like a sandy beach after low tide.She knew what kind of place it was, and every time she came to a densely populated town, she had to pass through such a place before entering the city and after leaving the city.This is a cemetery.Now she understood why the bearers wanted her to see the arch on the top of the mountain. Their destination had been reached.

This is a bungalow, she went straight to the living room.When she sat down, the slaves were carrying things into the yard.Walter remained in the yard giving orders to the gang, telling them to put this thing here and that thing there.She was exhausted from exhaustion when she heard a strange voice, which startled her. May I come inside? She blushed for a moment, then paled again.Her nerves are too sensitive, and she will be confused for a while when she sees a stranger.Only one shaded lamp was lit in the huge room, so at first the appearance of the visitor was unclear, but when the person came up to him, Katie recognized that it was a man.He held out his hand to her.

My name is Waddington and I am the Assistant Commissioner here. Uh, it's from customs.I know.Have heard you here before. Through the dim light, she could roughly see that this was a thin and small person, about the same height as her, with a bald head, a small face, clean and beardless. I live at the foot of the mountain.I see that if you come up directly like this, you must not have noticed my home.Guessing you must be too tired to invite any of you who are too reluctance to be guests, I ordered dinner here and ventured to come uninvited. I am deeply honored by this. You will find that the cooks here are not bad.I'm Weisen's servant at your disposal.

Wesson must be a missionary working here. good.nice guy.I'll take you to his grave tomorrow if you want. Thank you so much.Katie said with a smile. Just then Walter walked in.Waddington, who had met Walter before entering the room, said: I just had your wife's permission to have dinner with you.I haven't had anyone to talk to seriously since Wesson died.Although the nuns are here, my French is not good, and when I chat with them, I have nothing to say except a few dry topics. I have ordered the servant to bring some drinks.Walter said. The servants brought whiskey and soda.Katie realized that Waddington was not at all out of touch, so she drank by herself.Judging from his words and his frequent giggles when he entered the door, he was not a very serious person.

Good luck drinking this stuff.He said, and turned to Walter, this is where you can show your talents.Here people die in heaps like flies.The local officials were going crazy. The leader of the army, Commander Yu, was busy all day telling his army not to rob the common people.I think if we don't do anything else, we will all lose our lives in a short time.I told the nuns to get out of here, but of course they wouldn't go.They're going to be martyrs, what the hell. He spoke in a lively tone, and there was something pleasant in his voice that forced you to smile while listening to him.

why don't you goWalter asked. Well, half my men are already dead, and the rest could fall down and die at any moment.Someone has to stay to clean up the funeral, right? Have you not been vaccinated? planted.Vincent planted it for me.He planted it for himself too, but it didn't do him any good, poor thing.He turned to Katie, his amused little face wrinkled with excitement.If you take good precautions, I think the danger is not very great.Milk and water must be cooked before drinking.Don't touch freshly picked fruit, eat vegetables cooked.Did you bring a phonograph record with you?

No, I don't think we have any.Katie said. that's too regretful.I've been looking forward to your arrival.It's been a long time since there's been a new one, and I'm tired of listening to those old ones. The boy servant came in and asked if supper would start now. You don't need evening clothes tonight, do you?Asked Waddington, my boy servant died last week, and this one is an idiot now, so I don't change my clothes these days. I'm going to take off my hat first.Katie said. Her room was next to where they were talking.The room was empty, with little furniture.A maid was kneeling on the floor, packing Katie's packages, and a lamp was placed beside her. sixteen The dining room is very small and is mostly taken up by one wide table.On the walls are engravings depicting biblical stories with corresponding explanatory texts. All missionaries have such a large dining table.Waddington explained to them that, since they were adding a child every year, they needed to have a table big enough for their future little guests at the beginning of their marriage. A paraffin lamp hung from the roof, and Kitty could now have a better look at Waddington.His bald head had misled her into thinking he was no longer young, but now it seemed that he was not yet forty.He has a tall and round forehead, and the face below the forehead is small, but round and fat, without edges and corners, and his face is very ruddy.It was a monkey-like face, ugly but attractive because it was very amusing.Among his facial features, his nose and mouth are about the size of a child's; his eyes are not big, but bright and blue; his eyebrows are light-colored and very sparse.From a distance, he looks like an old boy.He kept pouring himself wine, and as the dinner progressed, Katie felt more and more that he was not at all serious and reserved.However, even if he was drunk, he didn't say anything hurtful about drinking, but he was very happy, looking quite like a womanizer who had drunk three rounds. He talked about Hong Kong, where he had many friends, and he wondered how they were doing.He had just been there to bet on a horse race the year before last.He talked a lot about racehorses of all colors and knew their owners quite well. By the way, how is Tang Sheng doing now?He suddenly asked, is he going to be the Chief Secretary soon? Katie felt her face flush, but her husband didn't look at her. I don't think it's surprising.he replied. He's the kind of guy who's got a lot of money. do you know him?Walter asked. Yes.I know him very well.We have traveled the same way from home and abroad together. On the other side of the river there was the tinkling of gongs, and then the crackling of firecrackers.There, not far from them, a town was in terror; death would at any moment relentlessly visit the winding streets.But Waddington began to talk of London.His topic turned to the theater.He knew exactly what was being played in London at the moment, and he gave details of a play he had seen on the last visit.He laughed when he spoke of the funny actor and sighed when he described the beauty of the female star of the musical.He happily informed them that one of his cousins ​​had married a prominent actress.He had lunch with her and was honored to be presented with a photo of her.When they were guests at customs, he would show them the photos. Walter looked at his guest intently, but his eyes were indifferent and slightly mocking, obviously he was not moved by the other party's humor at all.He tried politely to show interest in those topics, but Katie knew he didn't know anything.During the conversation, Walter always had a smile on his face, but Katie's heart was filled with fear for no reason.In the house left by the deceased missionary, although they were just across the water from the plague-ravaged city, they seemed to be completely isolated from the whole world.Sitting here are just three lonely people who are strangers to each other. When dinner was over, she got up from the table. If you don't mind, I think it's time for me to say goodnight.I want to go back to my room and sleep. I will also get up and go back.I guessed that Dr. Walter was going to bed too.Waddington replied that we had to go out early tomorrow morning. He shook hands with Katie.It seems that his feet are not shaking yet, but his eyes are shining, which is quite different from usual. I will come and pick you up.He said to Walter, first go to see the magistrate and the head of the regiment, and then go to the convent.You can have a blast here, I promise you. seventeen When she first had the opportunity to chat alone with Waddington, she deliberately directed the conversation to Charlie.Waddington had mentioned him the night they had arrived.She pretended not to know Charlie well, saying he was just an acquaintance of her husband's. I don't pay much attention to him.Well, said Waddington, I think he's annoying. You must be being too picky.Katie replied that the bright, playful tone was something she knew well.As far as I know, he is one of the most popular people in Hong Kong. I know this.That's what he worked hard for.He knows how to win people's hearts.He has a gift for making everyone who meets him feel like a soulmate.He is always willing to help you with things that are easy for him; if what you want is slightly difficult for him, he will make you feel that no one else can do it. Indeed a likable person. Charm, constant glamor from start to finish can be boring, I personally think.It's quite comfortable when you're in the company of someone who's not solicitous but serious.I have known Tang Sheng for many years, and once or twice I saw him take off his mask.But I don't care about him, I'm just an ordinary low-level customs official.As far as I know, he doesn't give anything in this world to anyone but himself. Katie sat leisurely in her chair, looked at Waddington with a smile in her eyes, and kept turning her wedding ring around in her hand. There is no doubt that he will have a successful career.He is well versed in the officialdom.I shall have the honor in my lifetime to address him as His Excellency, and to stand and salute him when he enters the stage. However, his promotion to the third rank is also expected.In the eyes of everyone, he is a man of great talent. talent?What a nonsense!He's an asshole.He gives you the impression that he is shrewd and able to handle things.But it would be strange if that were the case.He is no different from an ordinary clerk of Eurasian blood, he has to deal with everything step by step and desperately. How did he earn his reputation as a wise man? There are enough fools in this world.When a person in a high official position doesn't put on airs to them, and pats them on the shoulder and says he will do his best for them, they take it for granted that this person is very intelligent.Of course, his wife is also indispensable here.She is a remarkable woman with a brain, and her ideas are always worth using.With her making up her mind later, Charlie.Tang Sheng didn't have to worry about doing stupid things, and this was the most important thing to do smoothly in the officialdom.The government doesn't need smart people. Smart people have their own opinions, and opinions are trouble.They want someone who is agreeable, tactful, and never makes a stupid mistake.Well, yes, Charlie will eventually climb to the top of this pyramid. I'm curious why you hate him? I don't hate him. So you admire his wife more?Katie said with a smile. I'm a traditional man who prefers well-bred ladies. I hope her taste in dress is as good as her upbringing. She doesn't pay much attention to dressing?I didn't notice it. I often hear that they are a couple of Luanfeng and Ming.said Katie, squinting and squinting at him through her lashes. He was deeply attached to her.That's all the compliments I can send him.I think that's the most decent thing about him. What a harsh compliment. He also has a few affairs, but they don't take it seriously.He has always acted carefully, never getting angry and making trouble for himself.It is certain that he is not a person who indulges in love, but he loves vanity and hopes to be worshiped by women.He has gained weight, and he is now forty years old. He is too good at pampering and treating himself well.But he was a handsome young man when he first came to Hong Kong.I used to hear his wife make fun of his concubine. She doesn't take his affairs seriously? uh, yes.She understands that he is just making trouble and won't overdo it.She said she would like to make friends with Charlie's poor little lovers.But they are all commonplace.She said that women who fell in love with her husband were always second-rate, which almost flattered her face. eighteen After Waddington left, Katie pondered over his rash remarks.She hadn't been comfortable with a word of it, but she had to act poised and act like it didn't matter.Everything he said was true, and she felt extremely bitter when she thought of it.She knew Charlie was stupid, vain, and flattering, and she remembered vividly the way he had smugly boasted about his exploits.He is always smug about some small tricks.If she gave all her love to such a man just because he had beautiful eyes and a fit body, then she was belittling herself.She should despise him, because hating him can only show that she still loves him.How he treated her, she should have opened her eyes to see clearly.Walter had never looked down on him.Well, if only Walter had disappeared from her mind too!Also, his wife would tease him about her falling in love with him?Dorothy would probably be friends with her, but wouldn't that prove that she was a second-rate guy?Katie smiled softly: how indignant her mother would be if she knew that her daughter had been treated this way. But at night she dreamed of him again.She felt his arms wrap around her tightly, kissing her lips passionately.Even if he is forty years old, his body is a little fatter, so what?He has so many thoughts that make her feel pity.He has the vanity of a child, and she will love him more because of this, sympathize with him, and comfort him.When she woke up, tears were streaming down her face. She cried in her dream.She sighed inexplicably what a miserable situation this was for her. A few days later, Waddington and Katie were sitting together and talking.He had a mug of whiskey and soda in his hand, and this time he was talking about the nuns at the convent. The Abbess was a very fine woman.He said that the group of sisters told me that she came from a famous family in France.But they didn't tell me which one it was.They said the dean didn't want people talking about it. If you're interested why not just ask her?Katie smiled. If you knew her, you wouldn't be asking her such non-discreet questions. She strikes you with such awe that she certainly seems to be a remarkable woman. I have a message from her to bring you.She asked me to tell you that, though you would most likely not want to venture into the heart of the plague, if you don't mind, she would be more than honored to show you around the monastery. She is so nice.I didn't expect that she knew about me. I mentioned you to them.I'll go there two or three times a week to see what I can do to help.And I'm pretty sure your husband told them too.They adore him almost to the core, and you have to be prepared for that. are you catholic His sly eyes sparkled, and he giggled again, wrinkling his funny little face. are you kidding meKatie asked. Are there many benefits to being in the Catholic Church?No, I'm not Catholic.I consider myself a Church of England believer.The Church of England, well, is a euphemism for not believing in anything very much.The abbot came here ten years ago, followed by seven nuns, but now there are only three left, and the rest are dead.You know, even in the best season, Meitan Prefecture is by no means a health resort.They live in the center of the city, the poorest place.They work hard and never take a vacation. So now only the dean and the three nuns are left? Uh, no, there are a few new ones, taking the place of the dead nuns.Now there are six people.When the plague first broke out, one of them died of cholera, and two more came from Guangzhou immediately. Katie shivered. Are you cold? No, just a shudder for no reason. When they left France, they said goodbye there forever.They are not like Protestant missionaries, who occasionally take a year off.I think that's the harshest thing in the world.We Brits seldom suffer from homesickness, and we are at ease wherever we go.But I think the French are very attached to their country, it's almost an instinct.They never really feel at home once they leave their native land.I am often moved by the fact that these women deserve these sacrifices.I think if I were a Catholic, I would do the same without hesitation. Katie looked at him impassively, not quite understanding the emotion the little man was talking about.She wondered if he was posturing.He'd had a good deal of whiskey, and maybe he was a little clouded by now. Go and see for yourself.He saw through her mind immediately, with a mocking smile on his face.No risk is greater than eating a tomato. Since you have been there, why should I dare not. I guarantee you will be amazed.It's like a miniature France. nineteen They crossed the river in a small sampan.A sedan chair had been prepared for Katie at the trestle bridge, and she was carried up the mountain until she reached the water gate.On the causeway there was a group of slaves, with a yoke on their shoulders, and a large bucket of water from the river was carried at each end of the yoke, and they were walking in front of them.Water kept splashing from the barrels, drenching the causeway as if it had just rained heavily.Katie's bearer shouted at them at the top of her voice to get out of the way. Obviously, a lot of business is gone.Waddington said.He didn't sit in a sedan chair, but walked beside her.In normal times, there will be many hard laborers carrying goods to the trestle bridge to compete with you on this road. The streets in the city were narrow, each with many bends, and after a while Katie was completely lost.Many shops are closed.On the way to Meitan, she was used to the filthy streets of Chinese towns, but there was a mountain of garbage here, which had obviously not been picked up for weeks.The foul stench emanating from the garbage pile made Katie cover her nose with a handkerchief.People in the streets stared at her when she passed through Chinese towns, but now she was only occasionally glanced at indifferently.The streets are no longer crowded with people, only people walking around in twos and threes.They all seemed to be absorbed in what they were doing, but all of them were silent and listless.Occasionally passing through several houses, I would hear the sound of gongs beating inside, and at the same time, some musical instruments were playing sharp and long mournful tunes.It seemed that someone had just died behind those tightly shut doors. Here we are.Waddington said at last. The sedan chair stopped in front of a small door with a cross on the top and long white walls on either side.Katie got out of the litter, and Waddington rang the bell. You must not expect to see anything gorgeous.You know, they are poor as hell. The door was opened by a Chinese girl, and after Waddington said a few words to her, she led them into a small room next to the corridor.There was a large table covered with an oilcloth with a checkers board pattern on it, and a set of wooden chairs against the wall.At the end of the room is a plaster statue of the Virgin Mary.After a while, a nun came in. She was short and fat, with an unpretentious face, flushed cheeks, and very cheerful eyes.Waddington introduced Katie to her.He called her Sister St. Joseph. Is it the doctor's wife?She asked enthusiastically in French, and said that the dean would come directly in a moment. The Sisters of St. Joseph did not speak English, and Katie's French was also faltering, and only Waddington could speak a not very idiomatic French fluently.He made a barrage of hilarious comments that made the cheerful nun laugh out loud.Katie was amazed at how easily she laughed, and how heartily she laughed.She had thought that monks must be solemn and solemn people, but the nun's cheerfulness like a girl could not help but deeply moved her. twenty The door opened, and Katie felt astonished that the door seemed to swing open on its own axis, not by artificial force.The abbot entered the small room.She first stopped at the threshold for a moment, glanced at the smiling nuns and Waddington's wrinkled and clown-like face, and smiled solemnly at the corner of her mouth, then walked straight towards Katie and held out a hand. Is it Mrs. Finn?She spoke in English, with a strong accent, but the pronunciation was very accurate.She bowed slightly and bowed to Katie.It will be a great honor for me to make the acquaintance of the wife of our kind and brave doctor. Katie found the Dean's eyes fixed on her for a long time, as if judging her, without embarrassment in the least.The candor in her eyes made Katie feel that her staring was not disrespectful, as if she was a lady who specialized in criticizing people, and veiled and sideways glances were never superfluous.Courteous yet genial, she gestured for her guest to sit down in a chair, which she did herself.Sister St. Joseph stood to the side of the Dean, but slightly back.There was still a smile on her face, but she was completely quiet at the moment. I know you English people love tea, said the Abbot, and I have ordered some to be prepared.However, if it is brewed according to Chinese habits, I can only express my apologies.I know Mr. Waddington likes whiskey, but I'm afraid I can't do it for you. She was smiling, but there was a sly gleam in her solemn eyes. Well, come on, Mammy, you talk like I'm a drunkard. I wish to hear you say that you never drink, Mr. Waddington. Yeah, I never drink, I just get drunk. The Abbess laughed, and spoke Waddington's wisecrack to the Sister St. Joseph in French.Sister St. Joseph's eyes looked at Waddington kindly. We must put up with Mr. Waddington, for two or three times we were in the throes of poverty, and the orphans began to starve, and Mr. Waddington just in time helped us. The little Catholic girl who had opened the door for them came in, carrying a saucer with Chinese teacups and a teapot, and a plate of French cakes called madeleines. You must try the madeleines.The abbot said, Sister St. Joseph made this for you this morning. They chatted about trivial matters.The abbess asked Katie how long she had been in China, whether she was tired from the journey from Hong Kong, whether she had been to France, and whether she was not acclimatized in Hong Kong.The topic was extremely trivial, but the atmosphere was very harmonious, which seemed incompatible with the dangerous environment they were in.It was so quiet outside the house that it was hard to believe that this was the center of a populous city.However, when silence came, the plague did not subside, and it was still raging everywhere; people in panic ran around, but were sternly stopped by mob-like soldiers.The infirmaries within the monastery walls were filled with sick and dying soldiers, and a quarter of the orphans adopted by the nuns had died. Katie was attracted to the abbot for unknown reasons.She carefully observed this solemn lady who was so considerate to her.She was dressed in white, and the only color on the robe was the red heart embroidered on the chest.She was a middle-aged woman, about forty or fifty.It's hard to tell whether it's forty or fifty, because there are hardly any wrinkles on her smooth and plain face, but from her solemn demeanor, steady speech, and strong, beautiful but already thin hands, It was immediately possible to tell that she was no longer young.Her face is elongated, her mouth is slightly larger, and her teeth are quite prominent.Her nose cannot be said to be small, but it is very delicate and tender.However, the stern and solemn face of her face was entirely due to the eyes under the thin black eyebrows.These are a pair of big black eyes, steady and firm, although not cold, but giving people a sense of imposing manner.The first time you see the abbot, you will immediately think that she must be a little beauty when she was young, but after a while, you will suddenly realize that her beauty is inseparable from her personality, and her charm will grow with time. .Her voice was very low, obviously she was consciously controlling it.Whether she speaks English or French, she is word for word and methodical.However, what impresses people the most is the majesty of her body, which is undoubtedly the result of living in a Christian teaching position for a long time.You will think that this person must be used to giving orders, and others are used to following orders, but her demeanor of giving orders will be very humble, and it will never make people think that she is superior.It appears that she believed deeply in the authority of the Church in the secular world.However, Katie felt that beneath her majestic exterior, there should be a humanity shared by many people.When the dean listened to Waddington's cheeky nonsense, he always had a solemn smile on his face, and he obviously had a full understanding of humor. However, Katie vaguely felt that there was something else about her, but she couldn't tell what it was.Compared with the solemn and dignified demeanor and elegant and thoughtful etiquette of the abbot, Katie is simply a shy female school student. It makes Katie feel that there is always a distance between them.