Chapter 5 Part III (1) 21

In the simple living room of the deceased missionary, Katie was left alone again. She lay down on the bench facing the window and stared at the temple on the other side of the river (the evening light cast another layer of wonder on the temple. Mysterious color), trying to sort out the thoughts in my heart.She never thought that this trip to the monastery would touch her.Yeah, the curiosity is gone, there's nothing to look forward to now.For many days, she almost dreamed of the town under the high wall on the other side of the river, and now she didn't even want to see those mysterious streets.

But in the monastery, for a moment she felt as if she had entered another world, a world beyond the universe.Although those empty rooms and white corridors are simple, there seems to be a blurred and mysterious atmosphere wandering in them.The chapel looked so vulgar, almost miserable, and yet it had something that the majestic cathedral lacked.Its stained windows and oil paintings are so poor, but the faith it contains, the lofty feeling people have for it, endow it with pure beauty of soul.In this plague-ravaged heartland, the work of the monastery was so meticulous and methodical that it was a mockery of the catastrophe.In Katie's ears came the sound of ghostly wailing and wolf howling when Sister St. Joseph opened the door of the infirmary.

What they said about Walter also surprised her.First the Sisters of St. Joseph, and then the Abbess himself, their voices became exceedingly relieved when it came to praising him.When they complimented him, she'd feel a damned burst of pride.Waddington also mentioned what Walter did, but he only praised his medical skills and brains (some people in Hong Kong said he was smart), and the nuns must have passed this point.Yet they also said he was considerate, gentle, and kind.Of course he can be very kind, and if someone is sick, that's when he shows his skills; his clever head knows how not to hurt you, and his hands must be soft and gentle.As soon as this person appears on the stage, you will be relieved of all illnesses. You won't be surprised if you don't praise him for his rejuvenation.Now she understands that he can no longer see that kind of loving look in his eyes. She used to be accompanied by this kind of look all day long, and she only felt bored.Now she knew that he still had a great love for others, and that he was pouring it out in a strange way on the patients who had given their lives to him.She didn't feel jealous, just a little bewildered, as if the armrest she had been used to leaning on for a long time was suddenly pulled away, making her top-heavy and swaying from side to side.

Recalling that she had despised Walter so much, now she only despised herself.He must have known how she thought of him back then, but he loved her as always, without complaint.She was a fool, he knew it all too well; because he loved her, he didn't care about that.Now she didn't hate him, she didn't resent him, she was just scared and confused.She had to admit that he had outstanding advantages, even a little greatness that was not easy to be noticed by others.And it was strange that she should not love him, but a man whom she now considered worthless.All these long days she had been thinking, Charlie.Where is Tang Sheng worthy of her love?He's just an ordinary man, a second-rate guy through and through.If she is still crying all day long, doesn't that prove that her heart is still with him?She must have forgotten him.

Waddington also spoke highly of Walter.But she was the only one who turned a blind eye to his value, why?Because he loved her, but she didn't love him.A man is despised by you because he loves you, how does this man's heart grow?However, Waddington also admitted that he didn't like Walter that much.It seems that men do not like him.But the two nuns' affection for him was on their faces.It seems that women have other feelings for him.They keenly felt that there was a kind heart hidden behind his shyness. twenty two But it was the nuns who touched her the most.Let’s start with the rosy-cheeked, always happy Sisters of St. Joseph.She was one of the few nuns who came to China with the head of the monastery ten years ago. Over the years, she has seen her sisters pass away one by one in illness, poverty and homesickness, but her usual joy has not dimmed.Where does her frankness and open-mindedness come from?Then there was the abbot, thinking of this, Katie seemed to feel that the abbot was really standing in front of her again, and couldn't help feeling ashamed.She is a simple and unpretentious woman, and there is a kind of majesty in her bones, which makes people feel awe of her.For such a person, people who associate with her will naturally respect her more.Judging from the way Sister St. Joseph stood, her manner, and the tone of her answers, she was obedient to the abbot from the bottom of her heart.Although Waddington was frivolous and cynical by nature, he was still very restrained when speaking to the abbot, and he was almost cowering than usual.Katie felt that it was superfluous for Waddington to tell her the Abbot's French status.Judging by her demeanor, no one would doubt her long-standing ancient lineage.I am afraid that anyone who sees her will willingly submit to the majestic aura on her body.She has the gentleness of an elegant man and the humility of a sage.On her firm, beautiful, and at the same time slightly aged face, the unchanging solemnity never lacks brilliance.At the same time, she was a kind and friendly person, and the group of little children would surround her without any scruples, making noise, just because they knew that the abbot loved them deeply.When she looked at the four newborns, there would be a sweet and meaningful smile on her face, like a ray of sunshine shining on a barren land.When the St. Joseph sisters casually mentioned Walter, Katie was somehow touched.She understood how much he hoped she could give him a child, but he was always silent and dull, and he didn't seem like a person who could coax a child.Most men are clumsy when coaxing children, but he has no hands at all, what a strange person.

However, apart from these touching memories, there seemed to be a shadow hidden in her heart (like a silver cloud edged with a circle of black clouds), which could not be lingered.In the laughter of the St. Joseph sisters, and more in the elegant hospitality of the abbot, Katie always felt a kind of indifference.It goes without saying that they were friendly and even warm to her today, but at the same time they had reservations which Katie could not say.She felt that to them she was just any random newcomer.Not only did they speak a completely different language from Katie, but their minds were also thousands of miles away from Katie.They would forget her the moment the doors of the convent closed, and go about their work without delay, as if she had never been there.She felt that she was shut out not only of the priory, but of the mysterious spiritual garden she had been pursuing.She suddenly felt more alone than ever before.That's why she was crying.

She leaned her head back on the chair wearily, and sighed: What an insignificant person I am. twenty-three Walter got back to their house a little earlier than usual that evening.Katie was lying on the bench facing the open window.It was almost dark. Want to light up?he asked. They'll bring up the lights at dinner time. He was always talking about trivial things, as if they were two old acquaintances, and you would never have guessed from his behavior that he held a grudge against you.He never looked her in the eyes, never smiled, but was always polite. Walter, what are your plans if we are still alive after this plague is over?she asked.

He paused for a moment without answering.She couldn't see what his face was like. I haven't thought about it yet. If in the past, if any idea popped into her mind, she would blurt it out without even thinking about it.But now she was afraid of him, her lips trembled without saying a few words, and her heart was pounding. I went to the monastery this afternoon. I heard about it. She tried her best to say the following words, but her lips were still a little unruly. Did you really want me to die by bringing me here? I wouldn't waste my time on this if I were you, Katie.I don't think it's going to do any good to discuss things we'd better forget about.

But you haven't forgotten, and neither can I.I've been thinking about this for a long time since I first got here.Do you want to hear what I've been meaning to say? Very happy to. I've been so mean to you.I did something that was unfaithful to you. He was nailed there like a stake.His silence made him even more intimidating. I don't know if you get my point.That kind of thing is nothing to a woman, once it's over, it's over.I don't think women fully understand men's attitudes.She opened her mouth abruptly, and the sound that came out of her mouth could not even be recognized by herself.You know what Charlie is like, and you've seen what he does.Well, you are right, he is a villain who is not as good as a bug.I was also a villain at the beginning, so I went to date him.I wish I hadn't gone.I'm not asking you to forgive me.I also don't want you to change your mind and make you love me as much as before.I just thought we can't be friends?For the sake of the thousands dying around us, for the sake of the nuns in the convent

What does this have to do with them?He cut her off. I don't know how to explain it either.When I went there today, I had the feeling that there seemed to be endless meanings for me to experience.The situation there was terrible and the sacrifice they made was very touching.I can't help but think if you know what I mean, if you make yourself miserable because a stupid woman cheated on you, it's so stupid and not worth it.I'm nothing, worthless, and unworthy of bothering you. He remained silent, but he did not walk away, as if waiting for her to continue. Mr. Waddington and Mammy have told me a great deal about you.I'm so proud of you, Walter.

This is not like you.You have always looked down on me.Are you starting to respect me? Don't you know I worry about you? He stopped talking again. I don't understand what you mean.He finally said, I don't know what you want to do? It's not me trying to do something, it's you.I just hope you won't be so unhappy anymore. She felt that he seemed to be frozen, and his next answer was also cold. If you think I'm unhappy, you're wrong.I'm so busy, I'm afraid I seldom have time to think about you. I wondered if the nuns would mind my helping out at the convent.They are very short staffed right now, if I can help in any way, then I will be very honored. That kind of work is neither easy nor fun.I suspect it won't take long for you to get tired of it. Do you really despise me that much, Walter? No.He hesitated for a moment, his tone suddenly became very strange, and I looked down on myself. twenty four After dinner, Walter sat down under the lamp as usual, opened a book and began to read.About every night he read until Katie went to bed, then put away the book and resumed his work in a room he had furnished as a laboratory, working late into the night.At night he hardly slept a wink, preoccupied with experiments that Katie knew nothing about.He never mentioned such things to Katie, even when he was happily married, and he was not a very talkative person.She understands the saying he believes in: Eloquence is silver, and silence is gold.So it's hard to say how much she knows about him, and she can't even tell whether he is sincere or perfunctory when he says a word.Now, he is like a mountain lying in front of her eyes, oppressing her nerves, but in his eyes, is she dispensable?When he loved her, her few words could amuse him, but now that he doesn't love her, listening to her talk is already tasteless?Thinking of this, she was extremely embarrassed. Katie looked at him.His silhouette under the light is like a relief, his dignified features are extremely eye-catching.His expression can be said to be not severe, but almost cruel.Except for the eyes turning left and right with the pages of the book, the whole body remains completely motionless, which is frightening to watch.Who would have thought that this stern face could also be tender and affectionate?When she thought of his former appearance, she couldn't help feeling disgusted in vain.It was strange, he was handsome, honest, and talented, but she just didn't love him.Now that his kisses and caresses would never come to him again, it was a relief to think about it. When she asked him if he insisted on bringing her here because he really wanted her to die, he kept silent.What was the answer that made her terrified all day long?It is impossible for a kind-hearted person like him to come up with such a vicious idea.His original intention should have been just to frighten her and get revenge on Charlie (which is in line with his usual sarcasm), but then out of stubbornness or saving face, he didn't let go at all and insisted on her coming. Also, what did he mean by saying that he despised himself?Katie looked again at his cool, stern face, as though she were not in the room at all. Why do you despise yourself?She blurted it out, almost without realizing that she had started it, as if it were a continuation of the evening's sentence, without a pause. He put down the book and looked at her thoughtfully, as if trying to pull himself back from his distant thoughts. because I love you. She blushed and turned her head away. His cold, frozen and critical eyes made her unable to resist.She understood what he meant, and after a while she spoke. I think you've been unfair to me.It is not fair to me, she said, to accuse me of being stupid, frivolous, and vain.That's how I was brought up, and all the girls around me. You can't blame a guy for not being able to appreciate music just because he doesn't like going to symphony concerts.You can't force what I don't have, or it's not fair to me.I never lied to you, pretended I could do this or that.All I have is cute and beautiful, with a lively nature.You don't expect to go to the market stalls to buy pearl necklaces and mink coats, you go there to buy tin trumpets and toy balloons. I don't blame you. His voice was weak, and she even grew angry.Why can't he understand?She already knew it at a glance.Compared with the fear of death shrouded in her heart, compared with the sacred beauty of nature she had seen that day, wasn't the matter between them too small and trivial?So what if a stupid woman cheats on her?Why can't her husband just play it lightly and let the past go?Walter was considered smart in vain, and at this moment he couldn't tell which was more important.At the beginning, he was looking for beauty in the eyes of a beholder, and enshrined her as a priceless treasure. Later, he found out that she was actually more than gold and jade, so he never forgave himself or her.His soul has been split in two, and his existence up to now is purely a sham.When the truth suddenly appeared in front of his eyes, his life was actually over.It was obvious that he would not forgive her, because he could not forgive himself at all. She suddenly heard him sigh softly, and glanced at him quickly.A word came out of her heart suddenly, which almost made her breathless and almost screamed out. Could it be that his current appearance is what people call his heart as dead ashes? twenty five The next day, Katie's mind was always on the monastery. After spending the night, Walter had just left, and it was still early, so she ordered the servant to prepare a sedan chair for her, and then asked the servant to accompany her across the river.It was just dawn, and the ferry boat was crowded with Chinese people, some were peasants in blue jackets, some were lords in black robes.They all had strange eyes and ashen faces, as if the ferry was taking them to the underworld.When they got to the shore, they got off the boat and stood on the shore in a daze, as if they couldn't remember where they were going. After a while, they climbed up the mountain in twos and threes. At this time, the street was deserted, like a dead city.Most of the pedestrians on the road are absent-minded, making people think that they have encountered ghosts wandering around.There was not a single cloud in the sky, and the warm morning light on the ground made people feel warm.It is hard to imagine that on such a fresh and joyful morning, the city is already dying under the claws of the plague like a man who has been strangled by a lunatic and passed out.People are struggling in pain and dying in fear, but this beautiful nature (the blue sky is clear and transparent, like the pure heart of a child) is indifferent.When the sedan chair stopped at the gate of the monastery, a beggar stood up from the ground and begged for something from Katie.He was dressed in rags, as if he had crawled through a dunghill.Through the tear in his clothes, she could see that his skin was rough and ugly, as black as goatskin, his legs were bare and skinny.His face was unkempt, his cheeks sunken into dimples, his eyes wild and wild, almost like the face of a madman.Kitty looked away in horror, and the bearer yelled at him to go away, but he kept pestering him and would not go.To get him off quickly, Kitty tremblingly gave him some small money. The door opened, and the servant explained to those inside that Katie wanted to see the Abbess.She was taken again to the suffocating drawing room, the window of which never seemed to have been opened to let in the wind.She sat for a long time and did not see the abbot come over, so she couldn't help wondering whether her words had not been heard.Finally the abbot came in. I beg your forgiveness for keeping you waiting.She said, I was not prepared for your arrival, and I was too busy to get away. Sorry to bother you.I'm afraid I've come to visit you at an inconvenient time. The abbot smiled at her solemnly and sweetly, and asked her to sit down.Katie noticed that her eyes were swollen and looked like she had just cried.This surprised Katie, because in her impression, the abbot is not someone who is easily moved by worldly troubles. I'm concerned about what's going on here.She faltered and said, if it is not convenient, I will go back now, and I can come back at another time. No, no need.Please tell me if you have anything to say.I just had one of our sisters pass away last night.Her voice trembled and her eyes filled with tears.I am guilty of mourning in vain, for I know that her good and simple soul has gone straight to heaven, and that she is a saint.But it's so hard to get over our weaknesses, and I'm afraid I'm not a consistently rational person. I'm very sorry, I'm very, very sorry.Katie said. She was sobbing as she spoke because of her ubiquitous, ever-present sympathy. She is one of the sisters who came with me from France ten years ago.Now, only the three of us are left as partners at that time.I remember all of us standing in the stern (what did she say? Wrapping tail?) as the steamer left the port of Marseilles.We saw the golden statue of the Virgin Mary from a distance, and we said our prayers together.Since joining the Church, my greatest hope is that the Church will send me to China.However, when I saw my homeland going away before my eyes, I still couldn't help crying.I am their dean, and I have not set a good example for the children.At this time St. Francis.Sister Harvey she was dead last night when she took my hand and told me not to grieve.Wherever we go, France and God are in our hearts, she said. Grief originating from human nature was in fierce confrontation with reason and faith, distorting her solemn and beautiful face.Katie looked away, thinking it was rude to peep at someone in that situation. I've been writing to her father just now.She, like me, was her mother's only daughter.They were a family of fishermen living in Brittany, and the news was brutal for them.Uh, when will this terrible plague stop?Two of our little girls also fell ill this morning, and nothing but a miracle could save them.These Chinese people have no resistance at all.The loss of Sister St. Francis was too harsh for us.We have so many things to do, and now we have one less manpower.Although sisters from monasteries all over China would love to come here, our church will give everything to this place (too bad they have nothing), but coming here almost means death.As long as our existing sisters can handle it, I don't want any more sisters to die in vain. Your words inspire me, Mammy, said Katie, and I am sorry to come at a sad hour.The other day you said that the sisters were short of staff, so I wondered if you would allow me to come and help.I don't care what I can do as long as I can be of use to you.Even if you arrange for me to wipe the floor, I will be very grateful. The abbot smiled happily.This surprised Katie, she had never imagined that this man's temperament was so changeable, and he could laugh out tears so easily. You don't have to mop the floor.Those orphans can do it so-so.She paused, then looked at Katie very kindly.My dear child, don't you think you have done enough by coming with your husband?Not every wife has this courage.In addition, if you can comfort him and let him rest quietly after he comes home from a tiring day, there is nothing more thoughtful than this.Believe me, he needs your love and your thoughtfulness at that time. Kitty could hardly look the Abbess in the eye.Those eyes were fixed directly on Katie's face with ironic familiarity. I am afraid I have nothing to do from morning till night.Katie said, I can't stay any longer when I think about your work and my idleness.I don't want to cause trouble for you, and I know that I have no right to demand your mercy and waste your time, but my words are sincere.It would be a great gift to me if you would give me the opportunity to lend a helping hand. Your body doesn't look great.When you came here the day before yesterday, I found you pale.Sister St. Joseph thought you were pregnant. No, no, cried Katie, blushing to her ears. The abbot chuckled like a bell. There is nothing to be ashamed of, my dear boy, nor is the surmise a figment of the imagination.How long have you been married? I'm pale because I'm born that way, and I'm actually pretty muscular.I can guarantee that I did a tiring job. The abbot's expression became serious, and she unconsciously assumed an authoritative posture, which was her usual appearance.Her critical eyes fixed on Katie, and Katie became inexplicably nervous. Do you speak Chinese? I'm afraid not.Katie replied. Ah, that's a pity.I could have left the older girls in your care.But now it seems very difficult, I am afraid they can say it in English?Lawlessness?She pondered and made a conclusion. Can I help care for those sick sisters?I am not at all afraid of cholera, and the girls and soldiers can be left in my care. The smile on the Abbot's face faded, and she shook her head gravely. You don't know anything about cholera.The scene was horrible and terrifying.The work of the medical room is done by the soldiers, and we only need a sister to watch over it.As for those girls no, no, I'm sure that's not what your husband wants.It was quite a scary scene. I will get used to it slowly. No, I cannot give you this chance.This is our job and our prerogative.We have no intention of inviting you here. You make me feel like I'm worthless and useless.I don't believe there isn't a job here that I can do. Have you discussed this plan with your husband? Yes. The Abbess looked at Kitty as if to see through all the secrets that were hidden in her heart.She noticed Katie's anxious, earnest look, and she smiled. Of course, you're supposed to be a Protestant, right?she asked. Yes. That's not a big problem.Dr. Wesson, the deceased missionary, was also a Protestant.That makes no difference, he is our dearest person.We are extremely grateful to him. Katie had a delighted smile on her face, but she said nothing.The abbot thought for a while, then rose to his feet. You are a very kind person.I think I can find something for you to do.It is true that when Sister St. Frances left us there was no one to do her work.when can you start Now. great.I'm glad to hear that from you. I promise you I will do my best.I am very grateful to you for giving me such an opportunity. The abbot opened the door of the reception room, and was about to go out when he hesitated for a moment.She looked at Katie meaningfully again, and put a hand lightly on Katie's arm. You know, my dear child, that peace is not to be found in work, nor in joy, nor in this world nor in this monastery, it exists only in the soul of man. Katie was a little surprised when she heard the words, but the abbot had already left quickly. Twenty-six Katie finds her work at the Abbey refreshing.Every morning as soon as the sun rose, she hurried to the monastery, and she didn't return to their house from the monastery until the setting sun sprinkled a layer of gold on the small river and the crowded sampans on the river. Katie had a strange idea that she felt like she was growing.The endless work occupied her mind, and in the communication with others, she came into contact with new life and new ideas, which inspired her thinking.Her energy is back and she feels healthier and stronger than ever.Now she can do anything but cry.To her amazement and bewilderment, she found herself laughing often.She is used to staying in the center of this plague-ravaged area. Although she knows that people around her are dying at any time, she can already stop herself from thinking about it.The abbot forbade her to go into the infirmary, but the closed door aroused her curiosity all the more.She would have liked to run over and peek inside, but that would be sure to be discovered.The abbot did not know how to punish her.It would be too bad if she was driven away, she was so absorbed in looking after the children now, and they would miss her if she was gone.She wondered what they would do without her. One day it occurred to her that she hadn't thought of Charles for a week.Tang Sheng never dreamed of him either.With her heart beating wildly, she succeeded.Now that she could think about him calmly and indifferently, she no longer loved him.Ugh, it's such a relief feeling!Think how absurdly she had craved his love in the past.She almost died when he abandoned her.She sadly thinks that her life can only be accompanied by suffering from now on, but now she is not smiling?His worthless thing.She simply thought of herself as a fool.Now think about it calmly, what did she see in him then?Luckily, Waddington didn't know about it, otherwise she couldn't stand his vicious eyes and insinuating mouth.She was free, free at last, free!She couldn't help but scream loudly. But a day or two later something unexpected happened to Katie. She arrived at the monastery early in the morning as usual, and started the first job of the day: taking care of the children washing and dressing.Because the nuns insisted that the night wind was extremely harmful to people, the doors and windows of the children's dormitory were closed all night, so the air was filthy.Katie had just finished enjoying the fresh morning air, and as soon as she walked in, she had to cover her mouth and nose and open the windows as quickly as possible.That day, she had just walked under the window when she felt a sudden nausea in her chest, and she felt dizzy.She leaned against the window, trying to wake herself up. She had never experienced such a strong feeling.After a while, another feeling of nausea hit her, and she couldn't help but vomited out with a wow.The children were frightened by her screams, and the older girl who helped her ran over. Seeing that Katie was pale and trembling, she paused for a moment, then turned around and shouted outside.It's cholera!This idea flashed through Katie's mind, and the shadow of death suddenly overwhelmed her.She was terrified, and the terrible feeling of the night flowed through her whole body along the veins.She struggled for a while.She felt that her nerves were about to collapse, and then she fainted. She opened her eyes, momentarily unable to recognize where she was.She seemed to be lying on the floor, her neck moved and she felt a pillow under her head.She couldn't remember anything.The abbot knelt beside her, holding a piece of smelling salt in his hand and shaking it around her nostril.Sister St. Joseph stood watching her.She gave a start, and the thought came back, cholera!She noticed the frightened look on the faces of the nuns, and the figure of Sister St. Joseph who seemed larger than usual, and the outline of her body was indistinct.Fear struck again. She felt her heart beating wildly in her chest.Dealing with cholera all day long, she had grown accustomed to thinking that it would never spread to her.Oh, what a fool she was.She was sure she was going to die, and she was terrified of fear.The girls brought a rattan bench and put it under the window. She was pregnant, however, and Katie was taken aback and shuddered from head to toe. Katie reclined back in the chair.Something in her heart was as cold as death. Twenty-seven Walter was looking directly into her face as he had never been before.But judging from his expression, the professional diagnosis is more concerned than the husband.She hesitated for a moment, then forced herself to look into those eyes. I am pregnant.she says. She has become accustomed to his silence when she should have heard an exclamation after making a speech, but she will not be affected much by it.He didn't say a word, he didn't move, the muscles in his face seemed to freeze, and there was no new look in his black eyes to indicate that he had heard anything.She suddenly felt the desire to cry.If a man loves his wife, and his wife loves him, they should hug each other with joy when they hear the news.The silence was unbearable, and she spoke. Am I the father of the child? She took a sharp breath.There was something frightening in his voice, he was so cold and calm that he never showed even a little emotion, he was like a monster.For some reason, she remembered an instrument she had seen in Hong Kong. People told her that although the needle on the instrument only vibrated slightly, an earthquake might have occurred a thousand miles away, and a thousand people would die in this earthquake.She looked at him, and his face was as pale as she had seen it once or twice before.He looked at the floor and turned sideways. Um? She clenched her hands.She knew that if she said yes, it would mean a new world for him.He would believe her, no doubt he would, because he wanted to.Then he'll let go of the past and forgive her.She knew that although he was shy, there was endless tenderness hidden in his heart, ready to pour out to others at any time.He was never one to hold grudges, and he would forgive her.As long as she gives him an excuse, an excuse that touches his heartstrings, he will forget about the past right and wrong.He will never ask the teacher for his crimes and bring up the old things again, and she can rest assured about this.He may be cruel, indifferent, even a little pathological, but he is neither mean nor petty.If she said yes, it would turn things around from now on. And she desperately needs to earn sympathy.When she heard the unexpected news, strange yearning and nameless desires arose in her heart.She felt so weak and frightened that she was so far away from all her friends and she was alone and helpless.Despite her lack of affection for her mother, she suddenly longed this morning for her to be around.She desperately needed help and comfort.She didn't love Walter, and she knew she wouldn't love him in this life, but at this moment she really wished he could hold her in his arms, so that she could cry happily on his chest for a while.She wished he would kiss her and she would wrap her arms around his neck. She started crying.She has told so many lies, and now she is not afraid to tell another one.If a lie will lead to good things, why not do it?Lies, lies, what are lies?Saying yes will be easy.She had almost seen Walter's ecstatic eyes and his open arms towards her.But she can't.For some reason, she just couldn't.All that she had been through these wretched weeks, Charlie and his vileness, the cholera and the dying people, Mammy, even that funny little drunk Waddington, seemed to leave something in her heart. , She has changed, and she can't even recognize herself.儘管她被美好的前景深深地打動了，但她感到在她的靈魂裡，一群旁觀者似乎正在驚恐地好奇地望著她。除了說真話，她別無選擇。她覺得撒謊似乎並不值得。她的思緒胡亂地游動著，突然，她的眼前浮現出那個死乞丐躺在牆根下的情景。她為什麼會想起他？她沒有抽泣，眼淚像決了堤一樣從她大大的眼睛裡痛痛快快地淌下來。最後，她做出了回答。他曾問她他是不是孩子的父親。 I have no idea.she said. 他吃吃地笑了，笑聲像幽靈一樣詭異。凱蒂不禁渾身顫抖。 她驚奇地發現他瘦得出奇，過去的幾個禮拜以來她竟然沒有注意到。他的太陽穴深深地陷了進去，臉上的骨頭明顯地凸了出來。身上的衣服空空蕩蕩的，好像穿的是別人的大號衣服。他的臉曬黑了，但是臉色蒼白，甚至有些發綠。整個人看上去疲憊不堪。他工作太過辛苦了，幾乎是廢寢忘食。她正忙著哀傷悲痛，胡思亂想，但是也忍不住同情起他來。她什麼也幫不上，這太殘忍了。 他用手捂住前額，好像頭疼的樣子，她感覺他的腦子裡也一直迴蕩著那個聲音似的：我不知道，我不知道。這個情緒不定、冷漠害羞的男人，竟然見了小孩子就會變得柔情密意的，真令凱蒂無法理解。男人大多連親生的孩子都不會放在心上，可是嬤嬤們不止一次地提過瓦爾特對孩子的喜愛，她們甚至被他感動，把這當成了趣談。對那些逗人的中國嬰兒尚且如此，如果是自己的孩子他又會怎麼樣呢？凱蒂咬住嘴唇，竭力不讓自己再哭出來。