Chapter 9 Juan Baseng Daobu

ultimatum A township official visited the temple and asked the monk: Do you eat meat?Said: I don't eat much, but I use a little when I drink.Said: But do you drink again?Said: "I don't eat much, but when my wife and uncle come, I will accompany them a little bit."The township official said angrily: "You have a wife again, and you don't behave like a monk at all. Tomorrow, you should tell the county magistrate that you will be chased."The monk said: "Don't bother, the thief happened three years ago, and he has already chased after it." Grabbing book

The monk returned from his meritorious deeds, and when he met a tiger, he was very frightened and struck it with cymbals.Come back, cast another slice, and the same thing.Instead, the scriptures were plundered away, and the tiger hurried back to its den.The tigress in the cave asked why, and replied: I happened to meet a monk who was rude, and only disturbed him with two crispy pieces, so I snatched a fate book and had to run away. ghost king pee When the rich family went to the funeral, it rained heavily on the road, and the female relatives, etc., took shelter under the eaves beside the road.The monk had nowhere to hide, so he temporarily hid in the belly of the road god.After a while, a monk poked his head out of the god's waist to see if the rain had stopped.All the women's family members were shocked and said: "We avoid it, God wants to pee when we open the way."

Send to Fengdu Those who have never believed in Buddhist affairs will be severely punished after death.Instead, he poured out his spiritual capital and invited monks and ghosts to make achievements, but he couldn't find it everywhere.The person asked, "Is there really no monk here?"Said: There are so many people here, and they are all sent to Fengdu. open meat The master called the novice at night and said: You can do a vegetarian meal tonight.The novice said: What is plain?The monk said: It is true that you do not need to spit.Now the novice was in great pain, and he called out: Master, I can't bear it, so hurry up and cut the meat.

crow noise A scholar was studying in the monk's room, and suddenly heard the noise of crows, knocking his teeth repeatedly.The disciple asked: Why is your husband?The answer: crow noise.The disciple said: We are dry, it is not such a solution, it is Tuo's vomit. repent The filial son repented of his deceased father, the monk recited the Pu'an mantra, and went to Nanwu Buddha's sentence. The filial son said happily: I am worried that my father will be sad to pass the Naihe Bridge, and I have inherited it.It is a labor of money.The monk said: If you are willing to give generously, even your mother and I will pass by.

recommended A monk who recommends the deceased needs three qian in silver, which will be sent to the west.If a woman saves her husband, she will be given low silver.The monk then read to the east.If the woman is unhappy, she will make up for it with low silver, and change her mind to the West.The woman cried and said: My God, it's only for a few cents of money. I'm tired of running east and west. It's so hard. ass A monk suffers from dysentery, please treat him.The doctor said: This disease can be cured if others suffer from it, but you, a monk, are the most difficult to cure.Asked why, the answer was: This big scorpion is full of the farts of the disciples.

Yang hard Or ask the monk: You have been a monk for many years, practiced meditation, and stayed alone at night, is this thing still hard?The monk said: "Fortunately, it is only hard three times in one month."Said: If so great?The monk said: "It's just that one thing is not good. If it is hard, it will last ten days." crying fart One person committed a lonely stay with his youngest son, but he was sent out to the house, and the monk served wine to entertain him.The son even farted so loudly that the father didn't feel great grief.The monk said: Farting is a common thing, why feel sad?The father said: I think my son will fart this loudly in the future, and he can't do it anymore.

scent bag Every time a monk enters the room, he closes the door and calls for his relatives.As soon as the disciples came out, they unlocked the keys and left them with nothing else, and there was a sachet under the curtain.People suspect that there is a source, but the incense is removed, and it is actually chicken dung.After the monk returned, he still closed the door to take the sachet, sniffed it and called out, "My dear heart, why are you waiting like this? Did you just give a fart?" You Fang The head lice invites the foot lice to drink, and it is worth the man's sexual intercourse, so it will be blocked, and it will take a long time to wait and see.Q: Why is it so late?Said: Don't talk about it.Walking to the black pine forest, I met a monk who was very strange. At the beginning, he was weak and docile, like a timid monk; now he is strong and strong, like a Shaolin monk; monk.Xia Li said: "What kind of monk is it?"Said: At the end of the day, I left with my burden on my back. I was still a wandering monk.

Pile of manure If someone buys dung in the temple, the Taoist asks for double the price.The villagers were amazed, and the Taoist said: "This dung is different from other places. It is all made by the masters. Once soaked, there will be two loads." monk praise monk A scholar urinated, and the monk saw it, and praised him greatly, saying: "Xianggong must be in high school, and the student asked: How do you know it?"The monk said: You can see moles on the glans.Xiang Shu said: There is a mole on the glans head, and the beard will eventually grow, so I know it.Sheng said: You will prosper at the gate of the mountain in the future, which is wonderful.The monk asked: How can you see it?The answer is: If the Buddha Dharma is to prosper, unless the monks praise the monks.

Light up and down The name of the teacher is Guangming, and the name of the apprentice is Mingguang.A guest asked: How to distinguish the Dharma names of virtuous masters and apprentices?The apprentice replied: "The light above is the teacher, and the light below is the monk." selling words A woman tours Tiger Hill, holding a plain fan.There are calligraphy sellers on the mountain, who ask for one penny for each character, and women only have eighteen characters to write.The character seller said: "A beautiful woman, with rouge dotting her lips."Like Avalokitesvara, less clean bottles.The son held the fan, and the curator saw it and asked, "Where did this fan come from?"The son tells the reason.The teacher said: I was made fun of by him.Because of taking seventeen essays, see how he writes.The seller is the book cloud: If you are smart and talented, the articles will come out.One day the master arrived and stayed there.Sheng took the fan and went down the mountain in anger. On the way, he met a monk and asked him why.The monk said, "wait for the little monk to trouble him."So I brought sixteen essays to the past, and the writer said: "A monk who is clever is like a Tathagata."Sleep until the fifth watch, hard (sound).The monk said: The rhyme at the end is indecent, and I need to make up for the money and four words, please change it.Selling characters said: Once it is written, how can it be erased?If not, add it to you.Yuanbi wrote: "It's hard until dawn."

see monk There were three people walking together, and they met a man wearing ragged trousers on the way.A friend said: This is like the hunter Zhang Bin.One person said: Otherwise, it is like a fisherman casting a net.Another person said: "It's not true. In my opinion, it looks like a temple that has been ruined for many years."Q: Why?The answer is: I also saw the monk before, and I also saw the monk behind. no bones The Taoist priest and the monk made the transition on the same boat.A little later when the boatman set off, the crowd scolded angrily: "Dog bones, how can you be so negligent!"The boatman endured his anger and crossed the crowd to get off the boat, propped into the river, stopped his pole and asked, "You just called me a dog bone, what kind of bone are you, a scholar, and you are right. I spare your life, or you will push me into the water!"The scholar said: I am a scholar who climbs the dragon and possesses the wind, so it is naturally a dragon bone.The next time I asked the priest, Nai said: We monks, with the bones of immortals, are naturally the bones of immortals.The monk had nothing to say, so he begged in panic, "Please forgive me, I am bald, I have never been boneless."

monk climb down Those who soaked ramie in Hebu were stolen.A woman squatted down and dumped her polyester clothes. Her pubic hair was very long, and she immersed herself in the river. After washing, she returned with water.Those who lost the ramie followed the water, suspecting that the woman had stolen it, and scolded and scolded endlessly.The woman couldn't tell the difference, so she cut off the pubic hair in anger and burned it with fire.When the neighbor's house was looking for chickens, he suddenly heard the stink of hair next door, and it was wrong that he stole it.Shouting and scolding on both sides, the more aggrieved.Because of this, Fu Siduo dug out her vulva with a knife and threw it in the middle of the street.When the prisoner came back from a two-tolerance business trip, he kicked this thing, looked at it carefully, and said in horror: "It's another life."How come the monk climbed down and was cut down here. Du Xu A monk came back from a banquet, and the person asked, "Which table should you sit at?"Answer: the chief is Du, and the second is Xu. Under Du and Xu, there are poor monks. big guy A monk wants to stay with a prostitute, but he has no money for prostitution, so he steals rice and goes there.Prostitutes use a large amount of discounts, and only five folds are kept, which is too little to accept.The monk went back to steal rice and give it to him before he could do something.The monk resented him, so he put his head on the prostitute's vulva.Prostitute said: bad.The monk said: If you treat the big guy to me, I will also treat the big guy to you. Little monk head A monk stayed with a prostitute, and the prostitute suddenly turned his head to get rid of Yin.The monk said: No, this little monk is the head of the ear.Prostitution is too small, so I should say: Enough is enough. upside down A monk asked the monk: "Do you see what is in my belly?"The monk said: Mr. Xiang is naturally full of articles.The scholar said: "No."Said: But is it the internal organs?The scholar said: "It's not true."The monk asked what it was, and said, "A monk with a belly."If you don't believe me, there is a bald head hanging out of it. newspaper The old monk went to the back garden to pay respects, and was mistakenly pinched into his buttocks by the tip of a bamboo shoot, and the pain continued.Seeing it, the little novice put his palms together and said, "Amitabha, the heavenly retribution." 27 sacrificial vessels When the monk was dying, he asked his disciples to say: "You don't need anything else to enjoy the sacrifice. It is enough to offer your buttocks on the seat."It's like life.Fang was offering sacrifices, and when he heard someone knocking on the door, he hurriedly responded, "I'll come as soon as I pack up the sacrificial vessels." monk bath When a monk sees a Taoist bathing, he first invites the mistress, then the master, and then the master, in order, without any confusion.Because he sighed with emotion, he said: only my monk family has no rules. The old monk never went down, and the young monk took off his clothes first. heads and eyes A monk was playing chess with others, but he couldn't make eyes because he won the corner, so he was very restless and had an itchy head.Nai rubbed the top of his head with his hands and murmured, "It's good to have a glimpse of this place." Ask bald A scholar asked the monk, "How do you write the character bald?"The monk said: "It's just that the tail target of the scholar comes here." Nine thoughts A scholar went to the monastery every day to listen to lectures on the Dharma. The teacher asked, "What does it mean for a gentleman to have nine thoughts?"The scholar replied: "It's all on the person: the head is the three law divisions, the ears are the inspection divisions, the eyes are the sealing divisions, the nose is the general administration division, the mouth is the Yingshan division, the belly is the Shangbao division, the hands are the lift divisions, and the feet are the divisions." Pedestrian Division.The monk asked: Is there another division?Sheng pointed to the penis and said: Here.The monk asked: He Si?The answer: Monk Gangsi. really kidding When the monk was on his way, a young fellow called out, "Monk, monk, you are wandering around with your bald head."Seng Nu said: A tendon rolled over your mother's belly.The woman said angrily, "my boy is just playing for fun. Why do you say such rude words?"The monk said: Madam, is this little monk serious? Why worry? prostitution A monk in a whoring house touched the front and back of the prostitute with his hand, and suddenly shouted: "It's amazing, it's amazing!"The one in front looks like a nun, while the one in the back looks like an apprentice. Monk Dao Zhenger Some monks and Taoists stole a widow together, who was pregnant.As for the birth of a son, the monks and Taoists contended for his flesh and blood, and it has been undecided for a long time.The eldest son, when asked, replied: I was born of a monk.The Taoist said angrily, "how can you see that?"The master said: I was in my mother's womb, and I only saw monks slipping in and out, but I never saw you a Taoist priest. Taoist dog breed It is very strange that a dog was born suddenly in the pigsty.Neighbors gathered around and said: Taoism is bred by dogs and bred by pigs, and Tao is bred by pigs and bred by dogs. cunt shell The Taoist priest was doing business privately with the woman, when he suddenly heard her husband knocking on the door, the Taoist priest was very panicked, so he dropped the crown on his head and left on the bed.After getting on the bed, the husband touched the Taoist crown and asked, "what is this?"The woman responded urgently: This is the cunt shell that I have shed. into view For those who have no wives, every time they release the pistol, they store the essence in an earthen jar.After a long time, he was full of energy, took out the pour, and cried to the jar, saying, "my son, I send you in the jar just because you have no mother." wall jump A monk stole a woman and chased her husband. He jumped over the wall and fell down again.Seeing the bald marks on the ground, he clenched his fists and stamped his fingers on the marks, like a crown, and said: "I'm not afraid that the Taoist will not come to admit it." Mosquito repellent A Taoist boasted of his powerful spells, and he was good at repelling mosquitoes.Or please stick it in the room, the more mosquitoes there will be at night.Blaming the Taoist priest, the Taoist priest said: I will try to observe it.See the affixed talisman saying: It turns out that it is not used as well as Faer.Q: How to use it?Said: Every night to drive away the mosquitoes, you must stick them inside the tent. thank you A Taoist priest passed the base of the king's mansion and was fascinated by ghosts. He was rescued by passers-by and returned home with help.The Taoist said: I am grateful to the king for saving each other. There is nothing to pay for it. There is a talisman to avoid evil, and I will thank you. pray for rain Officials ordered Taoist priests to pray for rain, but it didn't rain for a long time. It was blamed for their uncleanness and blasphemy.It is to keep the trails and the forbidden prisons so that they cannot be touched.After a few days, the jailer reported, "The old Taoist prayed for rain, and the young Taoist asked for sunshine. How can there be rain?"The official asked why, and the jailer said: "He recited in prison: I hope it will not rain for the rest of my life, so as to save us from suffering every night." Raise Hanni A nun and a prostitute met Yan Gong to death.The king asked the prostitute, "What physiology did you do in your previous life?"The prostitute said: Yang Han picks up the guests.Wang Juanyun: Raising a Han to pick up people is convenient for being alone, sending them back to the mortal world, and going to superbirth early.Ask the nun: Who are you?The answer is: eat vegetarian and recite the Buddha's name.Wang Yipan said: Eat vegetarian and recite scriptures, the Buddha's mouth is like a snake, and a hundred bamboo slices will break the spine.The nun begged and said: Don't hide it from your majesty, although the little woman is called a nun, she actually raises a man behind her back and works as a private nest. seven character class A student is smart and can answer questions fluently.The teacher gave a two-character lesson saying: Yueming.The disciples said to each other: sunrise.You said: Monk.The answer: Nun.The master said: Qingshan.The disciple said: Baishui.Another word came out and said: go.The apprentice responded and said, "Come on."The master read together again and said: Monk Yueming, go to Qingshan.The apprentice also answered and read to the cloud: the nun comes to Baishui at sunrise. several generations A nun went to a benefactor's house to beg for alms. In summer, he saw the master sleeping on the drunkard's chair, showing a very magnificent penis.Jin said to the master's mother-in-law: Your Majesty, you have cultivated in several worlds, so you can enjoy it like this.The mistress said: Amitabha, say this.Ni said: This is still not repairing.