Chapter 8 Chapter VII

That night, I went for a walk.I had to call Sam, and both Frank and I thought it best to get Lacey back on her usual routine as soon as possible and not play the trauma card, at least not now. Lacey and I are destined to have some small differences, and with any luck, others will use that accident to explain it for me.But if I push it too fast, sooner or later someone will think: My God, Lacey is a completely different person. After dinner, everyone stayed in the living room.Daniel, Justin, and I buried our heads in the book, and Rui played the piano, and he played the lazy Mozart Fantasia, pausing to repeat passages he liked or bad.Abby wove a petticoat for the puppet in the old English embroidery method, with little, almost invisible silk threads attached to her head.I actually don’t think the puppet is so scary. Unlike the exaggerated and deformed stuffed doll, she has a long black braid, a pensive face, as if dreaming, a slightly raised nose, and peaceful brown eyes.But I can understand how those boys feel.The puppet leaned indecently on Abby's arms, staring at me with sad eyes that made me feel vaguely guilty, and her bouncy curls were uncomfortable.

Around eleven o'clock, I went to the coat closet to get my sneakers.I put on a super sexy corset before dinner and plugged my phone so I wouldn't have to go back to my room and break Lacey's routine.Frank would be proud of me.I sat on the rug in front of the fireplace, I shrank involuntarily, and gave a soft oh, Justin suddenly raised his head and said: Are you okay?Do you need painkillers? No, I replied as I untied my shoelaces: I just have trouble sitting down. going for a walk?Abby looked away from the doll and looked up at me. That's right.I put on a shoe and said.Lacey's footprints on the insole, slightly smaller than mine.

The room paused for a few more seconds, as if everyone held their breath at the same time, Xiao Rui's hands stopped on the last chord.is this okay?Daniel asked with his finger stuck on the pages he saw. I thought it was fine, I replied: the wound only hurts when the body twists sideways, just walking will definitely not break the stitches or anything. That's not what I want to talk about, Daniel said: Don't you worry? They all looked at me, with unreadable gazes shooting at me like the headlights of a tractor.I shrugged, tightened my shoelaces and said: No. Why?I'm curious.

Xiao Rui swayed a bit, and made a tense tremolo on the high-pitched part of the piano, and Justin's body trembled. Because, I said: I just can't. Shouldn't you be worried?After all if you don't know Daniel, Xiao Rui said in a barely audible voice: don't interfere with her. I hope you don't, Justin said with a stomach ache, "Really. We're all worried, Lei, whispered Abby, though you're not scared. The sound of the piano didn't stop, it kept ringing like an alarm bell.Xiao Rui, Justin covered his ears with one hand and said: Stop. Xiao Rui ignored him.Isn't what happened to her exaggerated enough?If you hadn't encouraged her

Daniel seemed deaf.Do you blame us?he ask me. It seems that you have to worry, I put the other foot in the shoe, I don't bother you.As long as I am afraid now, I will be afraid forever, so I will not do it. Well, congratulations, Xiao Rui ended the vibrato with a neat chord, remember to bring a flashlight, see you later.After finishing speaking, he turned and flipped through the music score. And the phone, Justin said, in case you get dizzy or he doesn't finish. It doesn't look like it's going to rain, Daniel glanced out the window and said: But it might be cold, do you want a coat?

I couldn't understand what he was talking about, and it felt like the walk became the US military's implementation of Operation Desert Storm in the Persian Gulf.nothing will happen.I said. Well, Daniel looked at me and said: maybe I should go with you. No, Xiao Rui said suddenly: I'll go, you are studying.He slammed the lid shut and stood up. damned!I raised my hands in anger, glared at the four of them and said, "It's just a walk. I do it every day. I don't need protective clothing, flash bombs, or bodyguards."May I?While it's a good idea to talk to Ray or Daniel in private, I can find another time.If someone is waiting for me on the trail, I don't want to startle them.

Sure enough, it was Lacey. Justin smiled at me: You'll be fine, right? At the very least, Daniel is unmoved: you should take a different path from that day, can you do this? He looked at me indifferently, his fingers still resting between the pages of the book, and there was only slight concern on his face.Gladly, I said to him: If only I remembered how to walk before.But I have no idea at all, so I have to try my luck, don't you think? Ah, Daniel said: Of course, I'm sorry.Call back if you need someone to accompany you.After speaking, he lowered his head and continued to read the book.Xiao Rui sat back on the piano chair and began to play "Turkish March" excitedly.

The night was bright, the sky was cold, and the moon hung high, casting white light on the dark hawthorn leaves.I buttoned Lacey's suede jacket up to my neck, and the flashlight illuminated a small dirt path ahead, and the unseen field suddenly seemed huge and surrounded me.The light made me feel unwisely exposed, but I kept the flashlight on.If someone is lurking in the shadows, he'd better find me. No one came.I heard something heavy move to one side, so I flashed it with my flashlight, only to find it was a cow, staring at me with big sad eyes.I walked on, at a slow pace, a good target, thinking about the conversation in the living room, wondering what Frank would think of it.Daniel may just want to wake up my memory, but he may also have other reasons. He wants to test whether my memory loss is real or not, and I have no way of judging.

I walked towards the ruined hut unknowingly, I didn't even notice it myself, and I was startled when I looked up.The cabin loomed ahead like a solemn shadow, and the stars flickered like altar candles at the windows.I cut off the flashlight, and even if it was dark, I could still cross the field and return to the Hawthorn House. The light would only make the nearby residents uneasy, and even come to find out.The long grass rustled around my ankles, soft and regular.I walked to the front of the house, touched the stone lintel as a salute, and walked in. The silence inside the hut is different from that outside the hut. It is deeper and solemn, gently squeezing people, and a moonlight illuminates the curved stone of the fireplace in the inner room.One side of the wall jagged to the corner, where Lacey crouched and died.I made my way forward, leaning my back against the end of the gable.The hut is supposed to blow my mind. I was so close to her death that I could go back ten days just by leaning down and touching her hair but I wasn't scared at all.The cabin had accumulated a hundred and fifty years of silence, and Lacey's death was only a blink of an eye.It had already sucked Lacey in, covering the place where the corpse had been with silence.

That night, my feelings about Lacy changed.She was no longer the intruder, the challenge, the stiffening of my back and the rush of adrenaline.It was I who broke into her life for no reason, and Nian Renting was my pawn on the chessboard, and I thought why not give it a try.Years ago, she had accepted my challenge before the flip side of the coin landed on the ground. As the moon moved slowly across the night sky, I thought of my own face, gray and blank, lying on the steel bed in the mortuary, the long drawer snapping shut, locking her in the dark, all alone.I imagined her sitting against this wall many nights, suddenly feeling very warm and solid, and the flesh and blood slowly covered her pale silver figure, which made my heart ache.I really wanted to tell her something she should know, the news I specially prepared for her: the students she brought understood "Beowulf" very well, what dinner Xiaorui and the others made, and described to her the night tonight.

For the first few months after Operation Vesta ended, I always wanted to leave.It's contradictory, but I feel that only by leaving can I become myself again.Picking up my passport, changing my clothes, leaving a quick note (I'm leaving, dears, I love you, Kathy.), catching a plane to go wherever I want, leaving behind everything that made me a stranger. When and where, I let life slip through my fingers and shatter into pieces.Everything I had, my job, my friends, my place to live, my clothes, my reflection in the mirror no longer belonged to me. It belonged to a girl with clear eyes and a high head, and I could never find her again.I'm like broken metal, covered with dirty scratches, caught in a nightmare of fragmentation, no longer entitled to stay.I walk in my lost life like a ghost, refraining from touching things with bloody hands.I dreamed that I learned to sail in a warm country, maybe Bermuda or Bondi Beach in Australia, weaving sweet memories of the past to deceive everyone. I don't know why I didn't leave.Sam might say I'm brave, he sees things very positively, and Rob would say I just don't give in, but I can't boast that they were right.People with their backs against the wall are not entitled to praise, and it is only human to stick to what you are most sure of.I think I stayed because leaving was so foreign and complicated to me.All I knew was to stay where I was, to use my knees to find a solid ground to push against, and to struggle to stand up again. Lacey chooses to run away.When the idea of ​​staying away inexplicably appeared in her mind, she didn't resist desperately like me, but instead opened her arms to welcome it warmly, and swallowed it as her own idea.She has the ability and courage to let go of her broken self, resolutely leave, and start again, fresh and flawless like the rising sun. However, in the end, Lacey was overtaken by someone in a big stride, and her hard-won new life was snatched away, as if she didn't care about picking a daisy.I suddenly felt angry, not angry with her, but angry for her.This is the first time I have felt this way. No matter what you want, I said softly to the dark cabin: I am here, you and me. The surrounding air rustled lightly, shallower than breathing, secretive and pleasant. The sky was dark, and the moonlight was obscured by large clouds, but I was already familiar with the path, and I almost didn't need to rely on the flashlight. I just touched the door latch at the back of the house, and I didn't need to look for it at all.Being an undercover agent will change people's perception of time. I have almost forgotten that I have only been here for a day and a half. The room is darker than the dark night, only a faint bend of starlight can be seen at the junction of the roof and the sky.The room feels bigger and more unreal than it actually is, with blurred edges, as if it would disappear instantly if you get too close.The windows are illuminated, warm and golden, unreal, and the miniature scene in the window is like an ancient peep show, seductive and charming.A shiny copper frying pan hangs in the kitchen, and Daniel and Abby sit side by side on the couch, looking down at a huge ancient book. Wu Yun bid farewell to the moon, and I saw Xiao Rui sitting in the backyard, with one hand hugging her knees and the other clutching the long grass.My adrenaline was pumping, there was no way he was stalking me without me noticing, and I hadn't done anything shady, but seeing him still made me uneasy.He was sitting on the large grass with his head up, and it was obvious from his posture that he was waiting for me. I stood under the hawthorn tree by the door and looked at Xiao Rui, and the feeling that was vague before suddenly became clear.It was the sentence he said just now, with malice in his voice and anger in his eyes, it was that sentence that reminded me.Thinking back now, after I came back, Xiao Rui hardly spoke to me except to ask me to bring the jam and say good night.He would talk around me, open in my direction, but not to me.Yesterday everyone hugged me and welcomed me home, only he didn't touch me, took my suitcase and turned around and left.He did it very low-key, not obvious at all, but for some reason, he was obviously very upset with me. As soon as I stepped out of the tree, I was spotted by Xiao Rui. He waved at me, and his arm passed through the light from the window, leaving an ambiguous long shadow on the grass in front of me.He quietly watched me walk across the grass and sat down beside him. I guess the easiest thing to do is just get straight to the point.are you mad at meI asked. Xiao Rui turned her head in disgust, and her eyes drifted to the grass.mad at you?He replied: God, Lacey, you are not a child anymore. Well, I said: so you are not happy with me? He straightened his legs and stared at the toes of his sneakers.Have you ever wondered, he asked: How did we spend last week? I pondered for a moment, feeling that Xiao Rui was very angry that I was stabbed.From my point of view, his reaction was suspicious, or else extremely odd.But to a few of them, suspicious and weird were the same thing.I'm not much better off, you know.I said. he laughed.You really haven't thought about it at all, have you? I stared at him and said: So you are mad at me?Because I got hurt?Or did I not ask how you feel?Xiao Rui glanced at me sideways again, not knowing what it meant.Oh, please, Xiao Rui, I didn't expect anything to happen, why are you so upset? Xiao Rui took a big gulp of wine.Gin and Tony, I can smell it.Forget it, he said: It's okay, you go back to the house first. Xiao Rui, I said, was very hurt, but mainly pretended.Xiao Rui's tone was as cold as ice, and I couldn't help but tremble.do not do that. Xiao Rui ignored him, and I stretched out my hand to press his arm.His physique was stronger than I expected, and he was still warm to the touch through his shirt, almost as if he had a fever.He pursed his lips and didn't move. Please tell me how you feel, I said: please, I would love to know, I mean it.I just don't know how to speak. Xiaorui shook her arm away from me.All right.He said: Since you want to know, those days were horrific beyond imagination, does this answer your question? I waited for him to continue.We were all hysterical, and after a while, Xiaorui said angrily: "All of us are inhuman."The only exception is Daniel, who knows, he can't be tense, because that would destroy elegance.He's just buried in a book, occasionally popping out a few fucking old Norse words What a bird's word that you still have to stand firm in the face of trials.But I dare say he hasn't closed his eyes for a week because no matter what time I get up, the light is on in his room.As for us first of all we didn't get any sleep and had constant nightmares which felt like a terrible farce and as soon as we closed our eyes someone woke up screaming which of course ended up waking everyone else up Our biological clocks are totally messed up, and half the time I don't know what day it is.I can't eat, I want to throw up when I smell food.Abby keeps baking and she says she needs to find something to do but come on, it's full of gooey chocolate and bloody roasts We had a big fight, me and Abby, she threw a fork at me .I had to drink as hard as I could, lest the smell in the room make me vomit. Needless to say, Daniel began to blame me for this. Later we gave chocolates to the students in the seminar, and the barbecue was still in the freezer. None of us want to touch it. Devastated, Frank mentioned it to me, but no one told me they were hysterical to this extent.Once Xiao Rui opened his mouth, he couldn't stop, words gurgled out of his mouth like vomiting. And Justin, he said: He was the worst, shaking, really shaking, and some ghost freshman asked him if he had Parkinson's.The trembling wasn't serious, but it was really annoying, and just seeing him, even just glancing at him, made you tense up.He also kept dropping things, and we almost had a heart attack every time something hit the floor.Abby and I would yell at him, and then he would start crying like crying would help.Abby asked him to go to the school health room to get a few fennel pills, which Daniel thought was ridiculous, and he said that Justin should learn from us and face it calmly.But he's just crazy, and we're not cool, not even the most optimistic person in the world would say we're cool.Abby started to sleepwalk. She walked into the bathroom at four in the morning one day and took a shower in her pajamas and didn't wake up at all.If it hadn't been discovered by Daniel, Abby would have drowned long ago. Sorry, I said, in a high-pitched, trembling voice that felt strange.Every word Xiaorui said kicked my stomach like a horseshoe.I had an argument with Frank, and I had a detailed discussion with Sam. I thought I had figured it out, but at that moment I really felt what I had done and how much impact it had on Xiaorui and the others.Oh, my God, Rui, I'm so sorry. Xiao Rui's face was gloomy, and she gave me a meaningful look.And the policeman, he said, taking another swig, scrunching his face as if he were drinking bitter wine.Have you ever fought the police? Never been like this.I said.My tone was still wrong and I was out of breath, but Xiao Rui didn't seem to notice. They were terribly frightening.They are not policemen from the country, but regular detectives.I've never seen such a clever poker face, I can't guess what they are thinking, what they want to ask from you, but they hold you tightly.They interrogated us, almost every day, for hours at a time, even about insignificant things, such as what time we usually go to bed.It feels like a trap, as if you get the wrong answer, they will take out the handcuffs and handcuff you.You have to watch every second, it's fucking tiring, and we're exhausted.Frank, the guy who drove you back, is the worst.Smiling and sympathetic, he actually hated us from the beginning to the end. He was very kind to me, I said: also buy me chocolate biscuits. Tsk, it's so sweet, Xiao Rui said: I dare say you must be very touched.But he came to our place all day long, asking about your life, never letting go of big or small things, always saying a few words, saying how other people live, anyway, a bunch of nonsense, just because we have a house to live in, and a university to study there. The guy is always full of grudges, I think it's the size of Bolivia, and he wants to catch the pigtails and put us all in jail.The result, of course, was to make Justin even more hysterical, thinking we were going to be arrested at any moment.Daniel told him to think wildly and asked him to calm down, but Daniel's doing so was actually useless, although he thought Halfway through Xiao Rui's speech, his eyes drifted to the backyard and he closed his eyes.If you don't make it through, he said: I think we'll absolutely kill each other to the death. I reached out and touched the back of Xiaorui's hand, but only once.I'm sorry, I said: I'm really sorry, Xiao Rui, I don't know what to say, I'm sorry. Yes, Xiao Rui said, but the anger in his tone had disappeared, and he just felt very, very tired.Why. What does Daniel think?After a while, I asked. Don't ask me, Xiao Rui said.He flipped his wrist neatly and drank the rest of the wine in one gulp.My conclusion is that it is best to know nothing. No, you just said that Daniel asked Justin to calm down, but it was useless because he had an idea, what do you think he thought? Xiao Rui shook the wine glass lightly, watching the ice cubes clattering to the side.He obviously didn't want to answer, but silence is the basic tactic of the police in questioning cases, and I am a master at it.I rested my chin on my arms, stared at Xiaorui and waited quietly.In the living room window behind his head, Abby pointed to a place in the book, and Daniel and he both laughed, and the laughter came through the glass, clear and subtle. One night, Xiao Rui finally spoke, but still didn't look at me.The moonlight illuminated his profile and stopped on his cheekbones, as if dusted with silver powder, making him look like a portrait on an ancient coin.Just two days after yours, maybe Saturday, I'm not sure.I came out of the house and sat in the rocking chair to listen to the rain, thinking maybe it would help me sleep better, but for some reason it didn't work.I heard the owl killing its prey, maybe a mouse, it was horrible, the prey kept screaming, and I could hear clearly when it died. Xiao Rui fell silent, and I wondered if he had finished speaking.Owls have to eat too.I interfaced. Xiao Rui glanced at me hastily.Later, he said: I don't know when, it was bright outside, and I heard your voice, in the rain.It feels like you're in the room, leaning out. He turned and pointed up at the darkened window of my room.You said: Xiao Rui, I will go home soon, wait for me.Your tone is very flat, not weird at all, just a little hasty, just like that time you forgot the key and called me, do you remember? Well, I said: I remember.The cool wind brushed my hair, and I couldn't help shivering slightly.I don't know if I believe in ghosts or not, but this time it's different, it feels like a cold blade against my skin.It was too late to worry about how deeply I had hurt them, at least a week too late. I will go home soon, Xiaorui said: wait for me.He stared at the bottom of the glass, I think he must be very drunk. how do you reactI asked. Xiao Rui shook his head.Echo, I will not talk to you, he quoted the stage play "The Duchess of Malfi" (Editor's Note: British playwright John Webster's tragic masterpiece.) and said: because you are already dead. The breeze blew across the backyard, sifting the leaves and gently tossing the vines.The grass reflected the moonlight, soft and silver like mist, as if I could pass through it with my hand, and I couldn't help trembling. Why?I asked: Don't you think I'll be fine? No.Xiao Rui said: To be honest, not at all, I am quite sure that you are dead.You may find it ridiculous, but I have told you about our situation.The next day I waited for Frank to knock on the door and tell us with a solemn and sympathetic face that the doctor had done his best, but what a pity.He did come on Monday, but with a big smile on his face, telling us that you have regained consciousness.I couldn't believe it at first. That's what Daniel thinks, right?I said.I don't know how I know, but I'm sure in my heart. He thinks I'm dead. After a while, Xiao Rui sighed.Yes, he said: he thought so, was sure from the start.He thinks you will never make it to the hospital. Be careful around him, Frank said.Daniel is either a lot smarter than I thought and shouldn't be taken lightly.I'm starting to worry about what I've said to him before we go out, or whether he has reason to be sure Lacey won't be coming back.Why?I asked Xiaorui with a hurt tone.I'm not a weak chicken, and I can't get rid of me with a knife alone. I felt Xiaorui shiver, the movement was very light, as if trying to cover it up.Who knows, he said: He doesn't know where the strange idea came from, thinking that the police told you that you were still alive to play tricks.I forgot exactly what he said, because I didn't want to hear it, and he couldn't make it clear, and he shrugged: This is Daniel. I thought the atmosphere of the conversation should be changed, so I said: Well, conspiracy theory, right?Then we'd better make a tin box hat for Daniel before the note starts messing with his brainwaves. Xiao Rui didn't expect me to say that, and couldn't help laughing out of surprise.He's really paranoid, right?He said to me: Do you remember when we found the gas masks?He looked at the mask and said, "I don't know if it can prevent bird flu?" I also giggled.It would be perfect with a tin foil hat, he can wear hat and mask to school plus biohazard suit Abby can embroider beautiful patterns on clothes It wasn't funny at all, but we couldn't help laughing like goofy teenagers. Oh, my God, Xiao Rui wiped the corners of his eyes and said: You know, if this incident were not so horrible, it would be ridiculous to the extreme.It feels like a third-year student imitating Eugene Ionesco (Editor's Note: Eugene Ionesco, 1912︱1994, a master of absurd theater, challenging traditional Western drama, expressing themes with broken and meaningless plots and lines, making props Instead, he became the protagonist, creating absurd dramatic effects, representative as "Chair", "Rhinoceros".) Wrote absurd drama: Pork pie came out of the cabin, was thrown everywhere by Justin, I was nauseated in the corner, Ai Than sleeps in the bathroom in her pajamas, like a postmodern version of Ophelia.Daniel poked his head out and said Chaucer thought of some of us, then disappeared again, and your friend Officer Krupke showed up at the door every ten minutes, asking what color M&M's you like best Xiao Rui trembled and let out a long sigh, which felt like a smile and a choke.He didn't look at me, he just ran his hands through my hair.We miss you so much, stupid girl, he said, almost hoarse.We don't want to lose you. Well, here I am, and I say: not going anywhere. I said it carelessly, but the words seemed to have life, dancing in the dark and deep backyard, drifting across the grass and disappearing among the trees.Xiao Rui turned his head to look at me slowly, the light in the living room was behind him, I couldn't see the expression on his face, only the pale moonlight shone in his eyes. real?he asks. Really, I say: I love it here. Xiao Rui nodded, his figure swaying slightly.very good.He said. Before I had time to react, Xiao Rui had already stretched out his hand, and the back of his finger carefully brushed my cheek lightly, the moonlight illuminated the smile on the corner of his mouth. The living room window was pulled up suddenly, and Justin poked his head out and said: What are you two laughing at? Xiao Rui quickly stopped.No!We shouted together. It's so cold outside, my ears will hurt if I sit down, hurry up and watch this. They found an old photo album, which was a video record of the Daniel family. From around 1860, the women wore waistcoats that exposed veins, and the men wore gentleman hats with expressionless faces.I sat down on the couch next to Daniel and snuggled up to him. I was about to shrink back when I remembered that the microphone and phone were on the other side of my body.Xiao Rui leaned against me and sat on the armrest of the sofa. Justin flashed into the kitchen and came out with mulled wine in a tall glass. He didn't forget to wrap a thick paper towel to prevent us from getting burned.Don't be caught up by death again, Justin said to me: You have to take good care of yourself, it's cold, you still go out and run around Look at these clothes, Abby said.The photo album was bound in brown leather with torn leather threads, and it was so large that it took up between Abby and Daniel's legs.The photos are mottled and mottled, the corners are set in a paper clip, and the edges have turned yellow.I really want this hat, I should love it. It shows a buxom woman in a dove-breasted top standing on the edge of a building, her eyes glazed over.Isn't this the lampshade in the dining room?I said: As long as you promise to wear it to school tomorrow, I will bring it for you. Jesus, Justin said, sitting on the other arm of the couch, looking at the photo album over Abby's shoulder: Why are they all so sad?You look nothing like them, Daniel. Fortunately, Xiao Rui said.He blew on the hot wine in one hand and put his hand on my back, obviously forgiving me or Lacie for everything.I've never seen anyone with such wide eyes, they probably all have goiters and that's why they're so depressed. In fact, Daniel said: Staring and serious expressions were the characteristics of taking pictures at that time. I wondered if it had something to do with the long exposure.Victorian camera Ray pretends to fall asleep and bumps me on the shoulder, Justin yawns, and Abby and I (I'm only a second behind her) put our hands over our ears at the same time and start singing. alright!Daniel said with a smile.I've never been so close to Daniel, and he smells very comfortable with the light scent of clean wool and redwood.I just want to say a few words for my ancestors.Anyway, I think I still like one of them, where is it?it's him. According to the clothing, the photo should have been taken about a hundred years ago.The man in the photo was younger than Daniel, twenty at most, standing on the steps of Hawthorn Grove House.The forest house at that time was much brighter than it is now. There were no vines on the walls, the gate and handrails were newly painted and shiny, and the stone steps were painted light white with obvious corners.The man was indeed somewhat similar to Daniel, with the same square jaw, broad forehead, glossy black hair brushed back to make the forehead more prominent, straight lips, and open eyes.But his posture of leaning against the railing is relaxed and lazy, giving people the feeling of being unstable, which is completely different from Daniel's upright demeanor.His gaze was also different, with a look of worry and anxiety. Whoa, I say.I have a strange feeling about the similar faces that have been separated for a hundred years. If it weren't for Lacey, I might not be able to help but envy Daniel.You are really like him. It's just not that bad, says Abby: The guy isn't happy. But look at that room, Justin said softly: Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, that's right, Daniel smiled down at the room.It's really beautiful, and we'll do it too. Abby put her fingernails under the photo, took it out of the folder, turned it over, and saw someone write in ink: William, May 1914. Soon it will be the First World War, I whispered: maybe he died in the field. I think Daniel took the photo from Abby, examined it carefully and said: Probably not.God, if he really is that William, of course he probably isn't, my family has never been very creative with names.But if he's really that William, I've heard of him.My father and aunts mentioned him from time to time when I was a child, and I remember him as my grandpa's uncle, but I could be wrong.William, uh, is not the black sheep of the family, more like a specimen kept in a cabinet. You really look alike.Xiao Rui said.Abby bent over and slapped him on the arm, and Xiao Rui let out a hey. He did go to war, though, Daniel said, only to come back very quickly because of some kind of illness.No one in my family has ever mentioned it. Based on this, I think it should be a psychological problem, not a physical disability.He dishonored the family, I don't know the details because the family kept quiet about it, but he was in a nursing home for a while.The so-called nursing home should be a euphemism at the time, referring to a mental hospital. Maybe he and the poet Owen (Editor's note: Wilfred Owen, 1893︱1918, a British anti-war poet and soldier, originally thought that war was a way to protect the country. The text describes the horror and despair of war.) Loving too much, Justin speaks his mind, in the trenches.Xiao Rui sighed loudly. I think it is more likely to be suicidal. Daniel said: He immigrated after he was discharged from the hospital, lived to a very old age, and died when I was a child.But having said that, there seems to be nothing to mention about ancestors like this.You're right, Abby, he's not happy.Daniel put the photo back to its original place, tapped it a few times with his slender and square fingers, and then turned to the next page. The mulled wine was strong and sweet, the lemon slices were infused with cloves, and Daniel's arm felt warm and firm against mine.He flipped the pages slowly. In the photos, there are men with mustaches like pet hair, Edwardian ladies in lace, strolling in the herb garden with colorful flowers, and modern girls in the 1920s deliberately drooping their shoulders.Jesus, Abby said, taking a deep breath: This is how the herb garden should look like. There were people in the family who were built like Daniel and William, tall and strong, square-jawed, very masculine.But the vast majority were short, well-proportioned, angular figures with protruding chins, elbows and noses.This photo album is amazing and I said: where did you find it? There was a startled silence in the room.Oh my gosh, I thought to myself, oh my gosh, not now, I'm just starting to feel it!You found it!Justin dropped his glass on his lap and said: In the spare room on the top floor, don't you talk halfway through, and no one speaks. Never, Frank told me, never swallow the words no matter what happens.If you talk about slipping, blame the coma, menstrual period, full moon, whatever you want, just don't back down.No, I said: If I had seen it, I would definitely remember it. They were all staring at me. Daniel's eyes were wide open, only a few centimeters away from me. Through the glasses, his eyes were focused and curious. I knew I was pale, and he couldn't have noticed.He thinks you'll never make it through, he doesn't know where that weird idea came from It's really you, Lacey, Abby said softly, leaning forward to look at me.You and Justin were treasure hunting in the house after dinner and you found this.You were her body shaking slightly that night as if unintentionally, and she glanced at Daniel hurriedly. Just a few hours before your accident, Daniel said, I felt something go through his body, like a small suppressed tremor, but I'm not sure, because I just want to hide the relief in my heart.No wonder you don't remember. Well, Xiao Rui said, the tone was a bit too loud and sincere.I see. But it sucks, I said: I feel like an idiot.I don't care about forgetting painful things, but I hate that I don't know what to forget.What if I bought a winning lottery ticket and I forgot where I put it? Shh, Daniel said with a smile, his signature smile.Don't worry, we didn't even think about the photo album until this evening, and we didn't even open it before.He grabbed my hand and gently spread my fingers away.I didn't notice my fists clenched at all.He took my hand and slid it over his elbow, I'm glad you found the photo album, the history of this house could fill a village and shouldn't be obliterated.Look at this photo, those cherry trees have just been planted not long ago. Look at this guy, Abby said, pointing to the man in the full hunting suit.A man on a lean sorrel horse stood by the front door.He'd laugh so hard when he found out we put the car in his lot.Her tone sounded normal, light-hearted, without pause, but her eyes wandered from Daniel to me, tense. If I remember correctly, Daniel said: He is the benefactor of our family, and he took out the photo and turned it over to check. That's right!Simon riding a tall cabinet, November 1949.He must have been about twenty-one at the time. Uncle Simon was completely inherited from the family. He was short and lean, with a proud nose and a fierce look.Another sad guy.丹尼爾說：他的妻子死得很早，他顯然一輩子沒有釋懷，也就是從那時候開始喝酒。賈思汀說得沒錯，這一家人都不是活得很開心。 丹尼爾正要將相片放回原位，艾比突然說：等一下，接著便將相片從丹尼爾手裡拿走，把酒杯遞給他，走到壁爐前將相片放在爐台中央。放這裡。 Why?小瑞問。 因為，艾比說：這是我們該為他做的。要是他把屋子捐給馬會，我現在還住在恐怖的地下室雅房裡，沒有窗戶，整天祈禱樓上的變態不要半夜闖進我的房間。對我來說，他有資格在屋子裡佔據一席之地。 喔，艾比，妳真貼心，賈思汀伸手一隻手說：過來這裡。 艾比用燭台支撐相片說：好了，接著便朝賈思汀走去。賈思汀摟住她，讓她背靠著他的胸膛。艾比從丹尼爾手中拿回酒杯說：敬西蒙伯公。 西蒙伯公滿臉陰沉，無動於衷地看著我們。有道理，小瑞說著高舉酒杯：敬西蒙伯公。 熱酒色濃如血，丹尼爾和小瑞的手臂將我卡在他們之間，有如舒適的小窩。強風拍打窗戶，吹動天花板角落的蜘蛛網，所有人異口同聲：敬西蒙伯公。 夜裡，我回到房間，坐在窗台回顧這一天得到的新訊息。他們四個都刻意隱瞞自己的不安，掩飾得很好；艾比只要火大就會扔廚具；四人之中，起碼小瑞對蕾西遇刺頗有微詞；賈思汀很確定他們會被逮捕；丹尼爾並不相信蕾西只是昏迷的說法；小瑞聽到蕾西說她很快就會回家，就在我答應臥底的前一天。 在重案組有一點最難適應的，就是盡量避免想起死者。有些被害人會闖進你心裡，例如小孩、被毆打的退休老人與滿懷期盼到夜店玩樂卻葬身戶外廁所的女孩。不過，多數死者都只是辦案的起點，而兇手則站在彩虹彼端。 我們很容易就會將死者忘記，當成無足輕重的角色，只是好戲上演之前搬出來的舞台道具，這一點真是可怕。 我和羅伯之前接到任何案子，總會在白板中央貼上一張被害人相片，不是命案現場或生前的肖像照，而是快照，越清楚越好，只要看一眼就能將我們拉回從前，回到死者還不是被害人的時候，提醒我們不要忘記。 這不是鐵石心腸，也不是自我保護，而是冷酷的事實：我辦過許多兇殺案，重點都在兇手身上，被害人只是手槍上瞠射擊瞬間正好出現在槍口前的人各位可以想像，對只想知道原因的被害人家屬來說，向他們解釋這點有多困難。操控成性的丈夫只要妻子開始反抗，就一定會大開殺戒，而你女兒正好就是嫁給他的人；搶匪拿刀在小巷徘徊，而妳丈夫恰巧從歹徒面前經過。 我們細細爬梳被害人的過往，但不是為了瞭解他們，而是瞭解兇手。只要我們明白死者在哪一點踏進瞄準線，就能根據血跡斑斑的犯罪幾何學準確地算出槍口何在。被害人只能說明自己如何被殺，卻永遠無法解答他們為何遇害。從頭到尾掌握原因，掌握犯案迴圈的，只有兇手。 然而，這件案子從開始就不同以往。蕾西的身影無時不刻地在我腦中，不只因為我隨身帶著相片，只要刷牙或洗手就會看見，更因為當我走進荒廢小屋，在我還沒看到蕾西的臉龐之前，案子的重點已經是她。反倒是兇手一直從我心裡遺忘，我從來沒有這樣的經驗。 突然，我腦袋像是被落鎚撞了一下：自殺。 我感覺自己翻落窗台，穿透窗玻璃，掉進冰冷的空氣之中。假如兇手始終不見蹤影，而蕾西又是命案核心，或許兇手從一開始就不存在，整件案子只有蕾西一人。 我霎時恍然大悟，一切彷彿攤開在後院裡的陰暗草地上，速度慢得令人驚恐作嘔。四個人放下紙牌，伸伸懶腰：蕾西跑到哪裡去了？他們的擔憂越來越深，終於忍不住披上外套，踏進黑夜尋找蕾西。 他們拿著手電筒，頂著強風大雨，蕾西！小蕾！他們擠進頹圮的小屋，氣喘吁吁。四個人搖晃著蕾西的手臂檢查脈搏，一摁再摁。他們將她移到遮雨處，讓她輕輕躺下，取走刀子，檢查她的口袋尋找字條，想聽蕾西解釋，甚至隻字片語。說不定他們（老天！）真的找到了什麼。 當然，我的腦袋很快就冷靜了下來，呼吸恢復正常，我知道自殺的想法全是胡扯。自殺可以解釋許多疑點，例如小瑞氣憤不悅、丹尼爾疑心重重、賈思汀神經緊張、屍體移動過位置和口袋被人翻過等等。 故佈疑陣也很常見，從誇張的意外到謀殺都有，免得自己親愛的人被視為自殺。但我無法想像他們會讓蕾西徹夜陳屍野外，讓別人發現，而且女人自殺很少會在自己胸前捅上一刀。更重要的是蕾西不可能自殺，這是無可動搖的事實。就算三月發生的事情擊垮了她，破壞了這間屋子、她的朋友與生活，她也不會選擇了結自己。唯有看不見出路的人才會自殺，但就我們所知，蕾西從來不是找不到脫身之道的人。 樓下，艾比正在哼歌，賈思汀打了個噴嚏，有如一連串精確控制的低鳴，還有人猛力關上抽屜。我躺在床上半夢半醒，這才想起一件事：我忘了打電話給山姆。