Chapter 12 chapter Ten

I woke up with a start, and for a moment I couldn't remember where I was.The room was dark and dead silent, and I lay on the bed waiting for the memory to return.I waited to listen; there was a sound in the dark.My heart beat faster and I suddenly felt dry mouth.Then I heard, there were slight footsteps outside; maybe it was the footsteps that woke me up.But who is that, who is outside the window?I turned to look at the radio and alarm clock on the table, it was 4:50, very cold. I heard it again, the scuffling of footsteps.I can't move, I can only lie flat on the pillow, it is difficult to breathe evenly, and my head is pounding.I let myself think about the hood and the gag, but I dismissed it and forced myself to get up and walk towards the window.I opened a gap in the curtains and looked out through the frost on the glass.The freshly fallen snow made everything look bright, and in the light of the street lamp I could see a figure below me, a plump tabby rubbing its body against the bushes by the front door, curling its shaggy tail around the dead leaves.I almost laughed out loud in relief, but then it lifted its head and stared straight at me with its yellow eyes.A sense of dread gripped me.As I looked around, the street was pitch black between clusters of orange halos, and the street was empty.Then a car started a few yards away, its headlights illuminated the street, and I glimpsed a fleeting figure in the distance.There are footprints in the fresh snow.

I lowered the curtains and turned to back away.I'm troubling others, I told myself disapprovingly, everything is like a weapon.In London, someone is still awake at any time, there are cars and figures on the street at any time, no matter when you wake up at night, you can see someone standing on the street with your face on the window. I went back to bed and curled up, wrapping my arms around myself.My feet were cold, and I tried to tuck them into the loose kaftan for warmth, but they kept slipping out.After a few minutes I got out of bed again to use the bathroom.I once saw a hot water bottle hanging on the door, boiled a pot of water, filled the hot water bottle, took two painkillers for a headache, then went back to bed, hugged the hot water bottle to my chest, and tried to fall asleep again .My mind was racing like a blizzard, with more and more things to do: the phone calls I had to make, the names in the files I had to visit, and I couldn't help but find out where Zou was now. , at least find out her background, and what happened to that damned morning pill?Somebody has to know what I've done, am I looking for a man or two, and what if I'm pregnant?I thought about my old life and it seemed so far away, like a picture framed behind glass, that my new life was ominous and haunting, changing every time I looked at it.

The creaking and humming of the radiator took the chill away in a few minutes.Through the cracks in the curtains I could see that the darkness was beginning to fade.That's not good, I can't sleep anymore.I lay in bed, fear sitting on my chest like a giant toad.To get that out of the way, I had to start sorting things out.That's the only thing that can be done. I took a bath and it was almost unbearably hot, so when I emerged from the tub my skin was flushed and my fingers wrinkled.I put on the baggy trousers, the black hooded sweater, and two pairs of socks.I made a cup of coffee and warmed the fresh milk for the coffee.I boiled an egg, toasted a piece of stale toast, and spread a generous amount of cream.I'm going to take good care of myself, I'm going to eat breakfast by myself at the table, dip some egg yolks on toast and munch on coffee with fresh milk.Then I go into the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror, still slightly surprised to see myself and my unpainted pale skin.I dampened my hair and combed it, feeling less irritated, then brushed my teeth hard, looking at myself as I brushed.No makeup, no jewelry, ready for action.

It's just after seven o'clock; most people are probably still soundly asleep, and it's obviously too early to buy a pregnancy test kit, so we'll deal with it later.I sat down with a few sheets of paper, went over the list I made last night, and added some notes myself.I rummaged through the drawer for thumbtacks and couldn't find any, but I found some tape in a drawer full of screwdrivers, cords, fuses, batteries, etc.I pasted the papers on the wall, leaving some gaps and hoping to fill them in later.There's an eerie satisfaction, a bit like having your desk tidy and your pencils sharpened and ready to go.

I wrote down the names and addresses of the people I plan to visit today. They are all names I know well. I guess they are the people I visited after leaving Jay and Jonah's company.I called them or their subordinates every day in the last few weeks before leaving the company, and I also know that our company treats them unfairly.Some of them I've met before, but the scrambled days are a blur, just an abstract crisis moment, as if you're just passing by and seeing only a glimpse, or as if the amnesia had somehow begun to creep in.Perhaps, I think, my amnesia is like ink splashed on rice paper, with a cluster of darkest dots in the center, which gradually fade away as it spreads outward, until at last the stain is no longer perceptible.

I find each address on a map, plotting my route and who to visit first.I picked up the phone and started dialing the first number and then put the handset down again.I should be a surprise guest, I have no advantage but surprise.I put on my wool hat and pull it down to my eyebrows, wrap my striped scarf around the lower half of my face, turn off all the lights, and draw my bedroom curtains back to my pre-arrival look. Yesterday's day was long and the night was unsatisfactorily short, which made me especially irritable this morning.There is no back door to get out, so I have to go through the front door.I put on my dark glasses before opening the door; my face is barely visible by then.I took a deep breath and strode out, in the freezing cold wind.It was the coldest day, so cold it pierced my bones.The parking ticket is still caught under the snow-covered wipers, but that doesn't matter, I'm taking mass transit today.

Cann.Lofting's storefront isn't open yet, but I can see the lights in the back coming on as I press my face against the glass door.There didn't seem to be a doorbell, so I slammed my fist on the door and waited.Finally I saw a figure appear, and the lights in the store came on and what I meant by lights went on, and I mean the lights were shining brightly and then suddenly it was like Christmas again and the huge figure of Kann came lumbering towards me, And I frowned impatiently.He didn't open the door right away, first he looked at me through the glass, and then slowly recognized me on his big ruddy face.He unbolted one latch, then another, and opened the door again.My mouth was parched with anxiety but I continued to smile at him.

Abby? I just went to get my hair cut, that's all.can i talk to you He stepped back, still staring at me hard, making me uncomfortable.I was looking forward to seeing you, he said.I listen to his tone.Is his tone right?I've been thinking about you. I thought you should be open for business by now.I said, looking around nervously.The wall lamps, chandeliers, and spotlights are all on, but there seems to be no one else in the store. Another five to ten minutes. can we chat He backed away to let me into the store.He closed and bolted the door.The sound of the knocking of the latch made me shudder.I trembled involuntarily.

Cann wasn’t a plumber who just ran wires behind siding; he was a master, he was good with wires but he had a soft spot for the art of lighting how to light, the range of light, the texture of chiaroscuro.In his store in Stockwell you can buy weird Norwegian light bulbs that flicker on and off, and he can spend hours discussing uplighting, downlighting and overhead lighting, vivid beams With soft diffused light; he often does.The lights we put up at Avalanche are truly works of art.Each desk and each separate office has plenty of light, but there are more shadows between desks or between offices.Contrast, he repeated.You have to have contrast to give the room dimension and depth and make it come alive.My golden rule is to never let the lighting look dull and harsh.Who can stand that kind of lighting?Avalanche execs love that argument.

Why do you want to see me, Cann? Urgency is prioritized.Tea? Good. He makes tea in his general office, which is piled high with thick cardboard boxes.I sat on a chair and he sat on a box.It was cold in the room, and although he was only in his shirt, I was still in my coat. why do you want to see me biscuit?Ginger nuts? Do not bother.Thanks. I want to thank you. Thank you for what? Thank you for saving me from losing three thousand pounds. I have this credit? yes. how come? What? Sorry, Cann.Please bear with me.It's just some work issues that I have to figure out. He seemed satisfied with the answer.You told me I was underpaid and I should protest.

You did the same? oh yes. When did I tell you, Cann? It should be Monday morning.as early as it is now. which Monday? Uh, about three weeks ago. The Monday the 14th? He thought for a moment and nodded.It should be that Monday. And then I never saw you again? Meet me?No.Should you meet me?There was a look of enlightenment on his fat face.Do you need a record of my meeting to report to the company, to report overtime hours, yes?Since I owe you a favor, just tell me when and how long you met me. Not that.I just want to clear up some confusion.Did I really never meet you again? He seemed disappointed.No.Although I want to thank you.He leaned forward and put his hand on my shoulder.You went to the guillotine for me, didn't you? I shivered at his shoulder and said: Are you sure?The Monday the 14th?Do you remember well? I remember that you were so angry that you couldn't calm down for almost a second.He laughed a little smugly. You're about to open for business, I said.I have to go now.You were a great help, Cann. yes.He said.He's still sitting on the box, but that's probably just because he's a big, slow-moving guy.And the way he looked at me was probably purely kind.But I dare not say, I began to be full of suspicion. Then can you open the door for me, please? He stood up, and we walked slowly past the brightly lit storefront.He opened the door and I walked out into the freezing cold.Beads of sweat dripped from my forehead, and my hands were shaking. Oh, no way?what happened again?What's wrong?What's wrong?What crashed?What idiot doesn't know how to operate this system?let me tell you.He poked my chest with his index finger honestly.I will never work for your company again.I have already mentioned this to your colleagues.Not again, not even if you kneel down.not worth it.First there was the guy who looked like he was on the verge of crying every time he saw me, then there was the blond woman who looked like she had rockets on her ass, sorry for the bad wording, although she later The performance is still unsatisfactory.You probably fired her, didn't you, just for justice?He was a bony, hot-tempered man.I liked him immediately. I'm the one who told you you were underpaid, Mr. Khan.I interrupted. No, no, no.Don't come here.It's her, the one with the long blonde hair.Abby or something, that's her name.I never saw you. Does he really not recognize me?I pull off my black wool cap.His expression still didn't change, so I made the mistake of pretending to be someone else's Abby's friend. When was the last time you saw her?I asked, trying to sound businesslike. Friday, January 11.He answered without thinking. No, I mean when did you actually meet her? I just said it. That won't get her into any more serious trouble than she has, Mr. Khan. So she's in trouble?I knew it.I told her I was going to get in trouble and she didn't seem to care at all. Did you meet her afterwards? He shrugged and glared at me.I really want to give him a hug. I'm Abby's friend, I repeat.Once he recognizes me, he'll think I'm a fraud, evil, or simply insane.I stand with her. Everyone else said the same thing.He said. What does he mean by this sentence?I stared at him in bewilderment and he then continued: Well, then.I saw her the following Monday.Then I went straight to my lawyer.She did me a great favor. Monday the fourteenth. Yes.If you see her, thank her for me. I will.Also, Mr. Khan What? Thanks, I said.For a moment his expression faltered slightly.He looked at me more closely, so I turned around and put my sunglasses and hat back on.goodbye. I had lunch at a warm, dimly lit Italian restaurant in Soho.They gave me a table in the back corner.I can see everyone who comes to my door, but I feel invisible.There are many tourists in the restaurant, and I can hear Spanish, French, German around me from my seat.I suddenly felt blissful.I took off my coat, hat, and sunglasses, and ordered pasta with clams and a glass of wine.I ate it slowly, for nearly an hour, listening to broken conversations and inhaling the smells of cigarettes, coffee, ketchup and plants.I enjoyed a cappuccino and a slice of lemon cheesecake.My toes are no longer freezing and my head is no longer aching.I can live this life, I think.If I could find out what happened to me and make people believe it, if I could make myself safe again, I could go to a place like this and sit happily among the crowd.As long as you sip your coffee and eat some cake and feel warm and safe, you are happy.I have long since forgotten such things. I left the restaurant to buy a pregnancy test. I can't remember Zeng and Ban.Brody, although I have been to his studio in Highbury.I'm heading there right now in the freezing drizzle.I could feel my nose, the only exposed part of my body, be red again.His studio is located in an alley next to the main road, with his name on the door: Ben.Brody, Product Designer.How does one become a product designer?I couldn't figure it out, and then I felt stupid.Hell, how does one become an office space consultant?It struck me how absurd my old job was.I could be a gardener, a baker, a carpenter if I could get this right.I can actually make things, I'm just not dexterous enough with my clumsy hands. class.Brody can really make things.Or, at least, he makes prototypes.He has designed office desks and chairs for Avalanche, as well as screen partitions, so that the vast space of the floor will not be too daunting.We underpaid him and then overcharged our clients. I didn't knock on the door, I just opened it and walked in.The huge room was lined with workbenches, and two men were standing next to the skeleton of a bicycle, and there was the sound of drilling from the other side of the room.This place smells like sawdust.It reminded me of the smell of Piba waking up with her wrinkled pink face stretched out and yawning.Sweet and woody. can i help Mr. Brody? no.Class is behind.He gestured to a door with his thumb.accounting.Shall I go find him? I go by myself. I opened the door and the man behind the desk looked up.I still wear the wool hat but take off the dark sunglasses.In this dark little room, I couldn't see anything with my dark glasses on. What's up?he said, staring at me.For a moment he looked like he had just bitten into a lemon.He took off his glasses and put them on the desk.His face was thin but I could see his hands were thick and strong.What's up?He said it again. You may not remember me.We've only met a few times.I'm Abby from Jay and Jonah.Deborah. He looked at me blankly.I haven't forgotten, he said.What are you doing here? His attitude could almost be called rough.I pulled up a chair and sat across from him.I won't take your time.I just want to sort out some of the chaos in the company. I don't understand, he said.He also looked genuinely puzzled.why are you here I just want to figure it out.He just kept looking at me.I will try again.There are some dates that I can't figure out, that's too complicated to understand. too complicated? Do not ask.You don't want to know, I promise.I just want to ask you, when did we meet, when was the last time we met? The phone rang behind him, and he turned back in his chair to answer it.Absolutely not, he said emphatically.rubber.no.no.That's right.He hung up the phone and turned to face me.You came over on Monday, three weeks ago, and you came to tell me about your misgivings about the avalanche contract. thank you, i said.There was a tingling in the back of my neck as I began to think I recognized his voice.It wasn't his accent, maybe it had something to do with tone of voice.I dug my nails into my palms.Are you sure I came over that day? Yes, he replied, imitating my tone.That's too complicated to understand, but I'm sure. I felt a hot flush on my face.I got up and he got up too. Sorry to take up your time.I said it quite well. No problem, he said.goodbye.Hope you recover soon. recovery? yes.You are sick, aren't you? It's all right now.I spoke hurriedly and left. I did not spend the fourteenth with Mort the plumber.Schmidt, but I called him.I did a great favor, he said. I must have been working from morning to night that Monday, I thought and then it occurred to me that today was actually a repeat of that day, and I was playing one, two, and three wooden figures with myself. I enjoyed the twenty minutes I spent talking with Mr. Mott, because he was young, handsome and friendly, with his long hair pulled back in a ponytail and his strangely blue eyes.According to what he told me, it was because he was half Finnish and half German, so he had a very strong accent. In this twilight hour, here is my last stop for the day.The drizzle had become snowflakes, falling from the gray sky.But the lights in the conservatory were on, and when I walked in I could smell the scent of pine and hear the sound of running water.Occasionally, with a gust of wind, there will be a melodious sound of wind chimes. It was a bit like stepping out of my world and entering another realm with a different world.The greenhouse is not big, but there is still a magnificent landscape in front of me, which seems to stretch for miles as far as the eye can see.The trees are scattered everywhere, and the old trees are pleasing to the eye, with intertwined roots and overgrown branches.I leaned over and touched one of them. Chinese elm, said a voice behind me.The tree is over a hundred years old. I stand up straight.Gordon.Lockhart was stocky and slightly bald on the top of his head.He was wearing bright red suspenders and a heavy blue tight sweatshirt. That's a houseplant, he continued.This one, he compared it to a small tree whose leaves were as red as fire: it was a Japanese maple.It is an outdoor plant, but we moved it in to escape the cold. It's beautiful, I say.My God, this place is really beautiful, quiet and peaceful. That's right, he said.When I enter here, I can stay away from the hustle and bustle and be in another world.An ancient wood in central London.Look here, it's a banyan tree.Look at those air roots. Beautiful, I say it again.It's like a dream. Pick slowly.It is not easy to choose a tree that suits you.Or as a gift?A very popular gift, especially for weddings and anniversaries. I'm actually here to ask you something, I said.I think we met. I read countless people. I am from Jay and Jonah.You supply twenty bonsai to Avalanche's offices in Canary Pier.I think I came here to tell you that you should get paid more for what you do. Abby?Abby.Deborah?You cut all your hair off. yes. I got some extra money from them.I also sent you a present, if I remember correctly. Yes, I said, can't remember anything, but didn't want to offend him either.My head was buzzing.The sound of gurgling water behind me was like laughter.I said.Is it a Chinese elm? It's an elm tree, because you said you want a houseplant.I remember that the tree was ten years old, and the trunk was quite fat.You want it as a gift. Gift, I repeat.Yes.That's a great gift.Uh, I just came to ask you if you remember when we met.I mean date. It turned out that we met twice, once on Monday and then on Wednesday the 16th.To my surprise and delight, my itinerary was pushed forward by two more days.I thanked him, and then, on a whim, I bought the banyan tree.I can give it to Zou when I meet her.