Chapter 13 Chapter Eleven

When I walked towards Zou's residence with the banyan tree, I saw that my car had been impounded.In addition to the original ticket, there was a large sticker on the windshield telling me not to try to move the car.There is also a phone number on it that I have to call if I want to pick up the car, and pay a hefty fine.I fumbled in my pocket but couldn't find the pen.That car doesn't look worth claiming, I'll deal with it another day, at least for now I know where it is. I have more important things to do.The pregnancy test I bought is on sale for 15% off, which is good news.First I had to clumsily remove the wrapper with cold, trembling fingers.I looked at the back of the box, and the expiry date was April 20, 2001.No wonder it's so cheap.It's been nine months overdue.Does it matter?If it is overdue, will the result be inaccurate?

I walked into Zou's bathroom, unpacked the inner package, and pulled away an object with a fat end that looked like a pen.I looked at the instructions on the box and put the pink urine absorber in the urine for at least a second.That's not a problem.I put that reagent back in the barrel, look at the instructions again, and wait four minutes before reading the result.Four minutes, an annoying amount of time.After I pulled my pants up, there was nothing to kill the time.I looked at the three holes and they were indeed pink.Now I just have to wait for the pink in the central aperture to fade away.Who designed this?Probably a male, someone like Ban from a design company, who really has a way of making a living out of it.I can imagine a whole bunch of meetings to decide on the most appropriate shape.I have often participated in such meetings in the last one or two years.I rotate the pregnancy test stick so that the transparent pane cannot be seen.It's plain scientific fact that if I keep staring at that pink spot on the clear central pane, it won't go away and I'm pregnant.

There is a possibility of pregnancy.I checked my diary and found that my period should be around January 24th, when I was hospitalized.Today is February 1st, and I'm a week late.Of course, that may have been because I had been starving for days and was constantly frightened.The body has its own way of responding.But what if I am pregnant?I took pains to avoid imagining what that would be like.Obviously, trying not to think about something is like having a hippo in the living room and trying not to look at it.But I only need another two minutes, maybe just a minute, maybe not the full four minutes, so I flip the barrel over and I'm not pregnant.I checked the box again to make sure I did everything right.I was right.

I opened a bottle of Zou's to celebrate, and I wondered if it was the right thing to do after taking a sip.I'll buy some wine tomorrow to replace the bottle, but I still feel guilty and think about the bills in those red envelopes.Soon someone will come and turn off her gas, electricity, phone, and I live in this house, so I'm a little bit responsible.For all I know, maybe I'll make an arrangement with Zou that I'll take care of the house for her while she's away.I pictured her walking in the door to find a pile of past due bills while I sat in the kitchen enjoying her drink.I filled my wine glass to the brim, almost to the rim, and took responsibility for Zou's mail.

In the end, there wasn't really much to deal with.After I threw away the envelope, and sorted out magazines, catalogs, insurance, and invitations that had expired, there were only a few letters left that were really meant to be sent to her.Some bills: phone, gas, electricity, credit cards.I checked quickly, and the amount was not large.no problem.I did some rough calculations in my head and concluded that it wouldn't add up to a hundred pounds, and I could even pay her credit card bill as it was only a measly twenty-one pounds.Zou apparently had, among other talents, the austerity of a Zen disciple.There is no store card, and there are three letters with handwritten addresses and two postcards.I didn't check the mail, I just put it on the fireplace.

The phone rang and I didn't answer it.I have considered this situation and finally decided to give Zou two more days.If she hasn't come back by then, I'll start answering the phone.I left the answering machine on during this time, and heard a message from a friend every few hours.Hi, this is Jeff or Paul or Wendy, please call me back. I went to bed thinking about who I should go to next.He's pretty much the last person I want to see.almost. Todd.Benson was visibly surprised to see me at his door.I didn't call first, but I figured he'd probably be home.Abby.He said it as if he was confirming it was me, or hoping it wasn't me.

Carol gave me your address, I said.I just called her and told her I was coming to see you at your house.See if all is well.That is nonsense.I'm nearby, so I thought maybe I could stop by and have a chat. That is also talking nonsense.Todd lived on the ground floor in a tidy block south of the river, and it was a long walk by subway.I found Todd's address from the files, and I didn't ask Carol to visit him or anything.But talking nonsense like this makes me feel safer. Todd shrugged and invited me in.I expected him to be rough or demoralized, but he was just being gentle and polite.He asked me if I wanted some coffee and started brewing it while I stood by and watched him.

He was wearing a gray T-shirt, purple track pants, and flat slippers, not exactly work-ready attire.The last hint of his time at Jay & Jonah are his designer glasses, with thick frames that look like welder's goggles.He hands me a cup of coffee and we stand side by side in his kitchen, a little awkwardly.I hold the cup in my hands and the north wind outside makes my hands still feel cold at this moment. You look worse than me.He said. I had a rough time, I said.I am on vacation. like me.He said. I'm not sure if he's joking.So be it, I said doubtfully.That's not why I'm here.Someone is attacking me.

who? I don't know, no one has been arrested.I've been beaten pretty badly, and one of the results is that I have an extremely vague memory of what happened a few weeks ago. He sipped his coffee.I don't gloat.He said. Well, of course you don't.I say, heightened awareness rather than all disbelief. I won't be mad at you. I'm sorry that things turned out like this No, he interrupted.You did me a favor.I think I was out of my mind. I am not sure I've been watching myself throwing my life away, almost out of my body, for weeks.You know I've always wanted to get ahead, and I sort of have always been a little bit accomplished.I've been thinking about this for the last few weeks, and I've come to a conclusion.I think people only love me when I'm successful, and love is the reward for achievement.I think if I want to make a clear separation between my work and my emotions, I have to completely adjust my mentality.It's me who should apologize to you for making you do the dirty work for me.So I'm sorry, Abby, I'm really sorry.

Todd stood in his own kitchen crying, tears streaming down his face.I put my coffee mug on the dining table.I don't want to hug Todd, I just don't, that would be hypocritical.Having said that, I can't just stand here like this, so I took a few steps forward and put a hand on his shoulder.This was quickly resolved as he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight in his arms, weeping.One side of my neck was wet with his tears, and I couldn't justify not responding to his hugs.Instead of giving him a firm hug, I just wrapped my arms around him and tapped him on both shoulder blades.

Todd, I said weakly.I regret this. No, no, Abby, he choked out.You are really a nice person. I hugged a little harder, then let go.I went to his sink and ripped off a strip of tissue and handed it to him so he could blow his nose and wipe his face.I thought about it a lot, he said.It was a really positive time. That's fine, I said.I am comforted by this.But if it's convenient for you, I'd like to talk to you about something I just mentioned that I've had a vague memory of these past few weeks.For example, I have absolutely no memory of taking unpaid leave at Jay & Jonah.What I do now is talk to people I know and see if they can tell me anything about those days, things I forgot.I looked Todd in the eye.Some might say that we broke up after a fight.I'd love to know if we've been in touch since you, uh, left. Todd rubbed his eyes, his face flushed.I was sad for days, he said.I was outraged and felt betrayed.But then again, when I think about it later, it feels different again.I'll be fine when you contact me. connection?What's the meaning? You call me. when? Two or three weeks ago. I mean, the exact time. Todd paused to think.He combed his short, coarse hair with his hands. It was one of those days when I hit the gym.They keep my membership, you know, that's fine.So it should be Wednesday afternoon. Good Wednesday afternoon.What did I say? not much.You are just showing kindness.You call me and ask me if everything is okay. Why? Because you want to show kindness.You say that something has disturbed your conscience and you want to make it through.And I am one of them. Did I say anything? You talked about your vacation and told me about Project Avalanche.You are very happy, very happy tone.I mean good fun. I was silent for a moment, thinking, replaying those lost days in my mind.Then I looked up at Todd.You mean having bad fun? I rewrite my lost days neatly, underlining the dates.It appears roughly as follows: January 11th (Friday): Jay and Jonah had a showdown and left in anger. January 12th (Sat): Argued with Terry and left in anger.Spend the night at Sadie's. January 13th (Sun): Leave Sati in the morning and go to Sheila and Gay.Meeting Luo Bing, spending too much money on crazy big purchases.Meet Sam for a drink in the afternoon.Go back to Sheila and Guy. January 14 (Mon): with Cann.Lofting, Mr. Khan, Ben.Brody, and Gordon.Lockhart meet.Call Mott.smith.The car refuels.Call Sheila and Guy and say no to going back for the night. January 15th (Tuesday): Go to Sheila and Guy and leave a note saying that shelter has been found, and the items will be taken from there.Call Terry to arrange to pick up the item the next day.Book your flight to Venice for your vacation.Order Indian food delivery in the afternoon. January 16 (Wednesday): Buy bonsai.Call Luo Bing.Go to Tali to get the item.Call Todd. January 17 (Thursday): Thursday was blank.I wrote in capital letters: morning pills, and then I wrote Zou.I made a cup of coffee and looked at my paper, letting the coffee cool.