Chapter 20 Chapter Eighteen

I looked up at Zou's window.There were no lights, and it seemed empty and pitch black inside.I put the key in the lock and pictured myself going upstairs and sitting all night and long nights alone, thinking of Sally's dead body, waiting for morning to come.Maybe I should go to Sadie's again, or Sam's, or Sheila's.But just thinking about it makes me disheartened, because then I would have to tell them everything that happened since the last time I saw them.Although I only met them a few days ago, it feels like they are so far away from me. I have become a stranger out of their world. Who recognizes me now?

I can't just stand on the street and be a motionless target.I turned the key and pushed the door open. I looked at the stairs and walked up the steps to the unlit rooms, feeling a sense of dread.I closed the door again and stood for a moment, leaning against the door and trying to breathe calmly.I kind of want to slide down the door panel and collapse into the walkway.I could curl up in a ball, wrap my arms around my head, and lay like a dying animal.Someone would come and take care of everything, they would pick me up and drive me somewhere safe and warm, and I wouldn't have to live like this day in and day out.

Instead of curling up in the walkway, I turned and walked down the street, hailed a taxi and asked the driver to take me to Belsize Park.I don't know the house number, but I think I'll remember the location once I'm in the vicinity.He may not be here, and if he is, I don't know what I should say to him. I found the house easily.I remember the street trees outside, and somehow I also knew that the house had an iron railing.There are lights upstairs and downstairs.I gave the driver a ten pound note and told him no change.I walked towards the door, my legs limp like jelly, and I couldn't breathe.He may be at a dinner party, he may be in bed with someone.I rapped hard on the knocker and stepped back.I heard him coming to answer the door and couldn't help sobbing.

Abby? Is there anyone here?Are you busy? He shook his head. I'm sorry, I said.Sorry to bother you, but I really don't know what to do.You're the only person I know who knows the whole ins and outs.I hope you understand what I mean by this statement.sorry. What happened? I was terrified. come in.You must be freezing.He opened the door and I walked into the spacious hall. sorry. Stop saying sorry, please.Come on, get warm in the kitchen.Here, give me the coat. Thanks. He leads me into a small kitchen.The window sill is filled with bonsai, and there are daffodils on the table.I can smell adhesive, wood chips, varnish.

Come.Sit here and move the clutter away.I'll get something to drink.Tea?Or how about some hot chocolate? Very good. He poured fresh milk into a pot and put the pot on the stove. What about food?When was the last time you ate? This morning, fried specials.remember? Is that just this morning?God. Did your meeting go well? There is, at least.Would you like me to get you something? Hot chocolate will do.That soothes the mind. Soothe your mind.He said, smiling lightly. He scooped a few spoonfuls of chocolate powder into the hot milk, mixed it well, and poured it into a large green mug.Drink it, Abby, and tell me what happened.

Sally is dead.I said. Sally?who is sally Terry's new girlfriend.I waited for him to ask me who Terry was but he didn't, just nodded and frowned. It's a pity, don't you know her well?she is your friend I don't know her at all.But she was killed. was killed?Someone killed her? Outside Terry's residence.Police believe it was Taylor who did it. I see.he said slowly. Not him, I know not.But, of course, they kept thinking I was in some kind of paranoid fantasy.To them, it was evidence: Terry beat me and I made this nasty domestic violence into a kidnapped hero story.Then he relapses and murders his next girlfriend.

But he didn't kill her? No.Terry wouldn't kill. A lot of things that don't kill people end up killing people. That's what the police keep saying.But I know him.Anyway, if he did kill her, he'd break down with a bad conscience and call the police.He wouldn't drag her body outside and dump it just a few doors away.And if he wanted to hide the body he wouldn't do it because he wouldn't kill her then he should I'm not the police, you know. sorry.Just all of that.I can't stop thinking about poor, stupid Terry.And of course, Sally.But it's more than that.Sally looks exactly like me.I mean, like before I cut my hair.I saw his face change.I just had a horrible feeling that she was my scapegoat.

oh, he said.I see. He was looking for me outside.He will find me, I know it. And the police didn't take your words seriously? No.Actually, I don't blame them either.If I wasn't me, I don't know if I would take my words seriously.If you can understand what I'm saying. I know what you mean. Do you believe me? Yes.He said. I mean overall?I say everything. Yes. real?Didn't you just tease me casually? I'm not just perfunctory you. I look at him.He didn't flinch or look away.Thank you.I said.I picked up the cup of hot chocolate and finished it.Suddenly, I feel better.Can I borrow your bathroom?Then I'll go back.I shouldn't have barged in so rashly, I was such a fool.

Upstairs, the first room you see is. I stood up.My legs are a little wobbly when I climb the stairs.I rinsed my dirty face after using the toilet.I look like a jaded schoolgirl.I stepped out of the bathroom and down the stairs.The house is very nice; I wonder if there is a golden house here.There are pictures on the wall, rows of books beside the wall, and a large potted plant at the turn of the stairs.I stood there in a daze, looking at the tangled old knots and dark green leaves.I knelt down and pressed a finger into the mossy soil.I sat next to the potted plant, holding my head in my hands.I didn't know whether to cry or giggle or scream, but I did nothing but stand up and walk the rest of the stairs very slowly.I went into the kitchen, and Ben was still sitting at the kitchen table, doing nothing, his eyes blank.He also looked tired.Tired and maybe a little depressed too.

Like a character in a dream My dream, the dream with the life I've lived, a dream I can't remember I went around the table and put a hand to his face.I saw his expression soften.Is it like this?I said.I leaned over and kissed the corner of his mouth, he closed his eyes and I kissed his eyelids, I kissed his lips until they opened.I feel soft and new.is that so? No, it's not. So what does it look like? You told me you were in a bad mood.You keep talking about Terry.So I take your hand.He took my hand and led me across the room to the other end, where a full-length mirror hung on the wall.He led me to the mirror so I could look at myself, ragged, unkempt, pale, exhausted Abigail.He stood behind me and we met our eyes in the mirror.I'm bringing you here, and I want you to look at yourself.I say you are beautiful.

I look like the crap you found in a scrap bin. Shut up, Abby.I am not kidding.You were beautiful then and you are beautiful now.I tell you you're amazing, and then I can't help but kiss you like this, on your pink neck.Yeah, you tilt your head to the side like that. what's next?I said.I felt dizzy. I kiss you like this and caress your face and neck, and I go on like this. He unbuttoned my shirt all the way as he kissed my neck. Right?I murmured nonchalantly. He reached inside my shirt and undid my bra from the back and pulled it out the front, and his hands were already on my breasts.His soft lips are still on my neck, not kissing me, but caressing my skin. like this.He said. I wanted to say something but couldn't.His right hand rubbed my stomach tenderly, and then went downstream.He deftly unbuttoned my trousers and pulled down the zipper.He squatted and knelt behind me, and kissed down my back while squatting.He put his hands inside the belt and pulled my trousers and panties down to my ankles.He stood up again, behind me, with his arms around me. you see.He said, I looked at my body, I looked at him in the mirror, he was looking at my body, and I looked at my body with his eyes.I looked in that mirror and thought about my naked body in the mirror.When was the last time?two weeks ago? When I spoke to him my voice was languid and springy.I look embarrassed.I said. You look lovely. And I can't escape. You cannot escape. What did I do next? So he did it for me.I had to waddle comically toward his bedroom and slump down on the bed.I kicked off the shoes and then threw off the clothes and pants. In fact, the whole body of clothes and pants has almost fallen off.Then he took off his clothes, at a leisurely pace.He went to a drawer and took out a condom, biting the seal off with his teeth.I put it on for him.I know about it, I said.I found morning pills in my belongings. Oh my God, he said.Sorry, we didn't have time at the time. I believe I have to take some responsibility too. Yes, he said, out of breath now.indeed so. We looked at each other and he reached out with one hand to my face, my neck, my breasts.I thought I would never be able to touch you again.He said. The process is like this? Yes. so? Yes.Don't stop. We didn't stop, we kept looking at each other, sometimes smiling.As he came, he cried out in pain and I hugged him tight and kissed his wet hair. It's beautiful, it's incomparable.I said. He put his lips to the throbbing of my throat and muttered something on my neck. What? I said, I miss you all the time. Maybe I missed you too, but I didn't know it. how do you know That potted plant.I pulled back and leaned back, staring at him with almond eyes.Then why don't you tell me? Sorry, I don't know what to do.I want you to feel it, not someone to tell you that you felt it.If that claim makes sense. I have no idea.I kind of want to get mad at you, really mad, it's no joke.I've been searching and trying to find my lost self, stumbling like a terrified blind woman, and you've always known that you could have helped me through this journey.But you didn't, you chose to stand by.You know what I don't know about me and still hold back.You can remember having fucked me and I have no recollection.You know another me that I don't know, and I don't know another you, do you?How do I know you know everything about me?I have no way of knowing.You have mastered a part of my life, which should not be.Should it be so? No. That's all you can say? sorry.I don't know what to do, he said resignedly.I wanted to tell you, but what should I say? Fact, I say.That would be a great place to start. sorry.He said it again. I stroked his chest gently.Before I was taken away and imprisoned in a cellar, I was happy, everyone said so.I was happy because I left a man who was abusive to me, a job I didn't like, and I got to know Ben.My lost days are full of good memories, and since I got out of the hospital, this thought has been on my mind. I lost the memories I wanted to cherish; I kept the bad ones.Thoughts, or fleeting fragments, were running through my mind, about making a commitment to life, about not living the rest of my life like a frightened bird. Later, we will take a mandarin duck bath together.Then he went downstairs to make a sandwich and brought it up on a plate with a bottle of wine.I sit back on the pillow. You've been cooking for me.I said. We had oysters. Yeah?I just love oysters. I know, that's why we enjoy it.We will feast on it again. I took his hand and kissed it, then took a bite of the sandwich.So that's a Wednesday night thing, right? Monday. Monday!are you sure?Right after our first meeting? Sure. I frowned. But you're not wearing a condom? I have. I don't understand, you just said You came back to me later. on Wednesday? Yes. Damn you, you should have told me about this. I know. and you didn't wear it No. Why? You came here on a whim, bringing that potted plant with you.We had agreed to meet the next Thursday night because I had a couple of clients on Wednesday and they were already there, and you knocked on the door and handed me the tree.I kissed you. Then? Then I kissed you a few more times. Go on. You unbutton my shirt.We could hear my clients talking in the next room. what's next? We went into the bathroom and locked the door and started having sex. standing? Yes.It took about thirty seconds. Demonstrate it.I said. I spent the night at Ben's residence that night, and despite all the thoughts in my mind, I still slept soundly all night.When I woke up in the morning, I smelled coffee and toast.The sky looked blue through the curtains, and I was shocked by my sudden sense of happiness, which was like spring returning to the earth.