Chapter 8 wait

At a certain small station on the provincial line ①, I would go there every day to wait for someone.Wait for someone you don't know. (①In the 1940s, the railway line under the jurisdiction of the former Ministry of Railways of Japan, located around Tokyo.) On the way home after shopping in the market, I always pass by the station, sit on a cold bench, put the shopping basket on my lap, and stare at the ticket gate every day.Whenever a round-trip tram arrives at the platform, there will be a large number of people pouring out from the gate of the tram, scrambling to the ticket gate, showing an angry expression, showing their pass, paying the ticket, and looking directly at the exit impatiently, passing I stepped out of the square in front of the station in front of the bench I was sitting on, and then scattered in their respective directions.I sat there blankly thinking.Maybe someone, alone, would laugh and say it out loud to me.Wow, that's scary.Ah, what a headache.My heart is pounding.Just thinking about it like this makes me feel as if someone has poured cold water on my back, trembling all over, and I can hardly breathe.

Even so, I'm still waiting for someone.I sit here every day, who am I waiting for?What kind of person will the other party be?No, maybe I'm not waiting for people.Frankly, I hate people.No, it's fear.In the face of people, if you say something insincerely and casually, is it okay? , the weather is getting colder, etc., I always feel bitter, as if I am the biggest liar in the world, wishing to die. As a result, the other party will also be wary of me, say some irrelevant polite words, or state their feelings in a grand way. When I hear these things, I will not only feel sad because the other party is stingy with caring, but I also hate this world more and more.Are all the beings in the world just indifferently greeting each other and caring hypocritically, so that each other is exhausted physically and mentally, and spend their lives like this?

So, I hate meeting people.If there is no special need, I will not go to play with friends.I like to stay at home and do some sewing in silence with my mother. It is the most relaxing and pleasant thing.However, as the war was about to break out, the surrounding air became extremely tense, and it seemed a very bad thing for me to just sit at home every day. I felt inexplicably uneasy and couldn't calm down for a moment.There is a feeling that I really want to work and contribute directly to society.I have completely lost confidence in my life so far. Rather than sitting silently at home waiting to die, I might as well go outside and take a look, but even if I want to go out for some air, there is nowhere to go.I had no choice but to finish my shopping and stop by the station on my way home, sitting blankly on a cold bench alone.Looking forward to who will show up all of a sudden!Ah, it's also very nerve-wracking if it appears, and there will be a sense of terror that I don't know what to do.But if that person appeared, I would be helpless, so I had to dedicate my life to that person, and my fate would end at that point in time. The consciousness of almost giving up everything and other strange fantasies made my chest depressed and painful. About to suffocate.

I seem to be doing a daydream, not knowing whether I am alive or dead?I always feel that life is so illusory.The bustling people in front of the station seemed to turn their binoculars upside down, and they all became so small and far away. The world became silent and dead.Ah, what am I waiting for?Maybe I'm actually a promiscuous woman.When the war started, I always felt inexplicably uneasy. I would rather break my body to work and contribute to society. It is a lie. To say these high-sounding words, maybe I am looking forward to a great opportunity that will fall from the sky and make my dream come true.Even though I'm sitting here like this with a dull expression on my face, I can still feel that the unreasonable plan in my heart is burning fiercely.

Who am I waiting for?There is no specific image at all.Just a fog.However, I'm still waiting.Every day after the war started, I would pass by the station on my way home from shopping, sit on a cold bench, and wait.Someone, alone, said loudly to me with a smile.Wow, that's scary.Ah, what a headache.The person I am waiting for is not you.Who am I waiting for?Husband, no.Lover, no.Friends, I hate friends.Money, can't do it well.Undead?oh!I'm not interested. Something more comfortable, clearer, and better.I always feel difficult to understand.For example, like spring.No, not right.green leaves.May.Clear water flowing through the wheat field.Still not right.ah!But I will continue to wait.Waiting for that thing that makes my heart jump with joy.

Groups of people passed my eyes.Neither is that, nor is this.Holding the shopping basket in my arms, my body trembled slightly, while I waited wholeheartedly.please do not forget me.Please don't laugh at me.No matter what, please remember this silly twenty-year-old girl who goes to the station every day to wait.Even if I don't tell you the name of this small station, you will definitely find me one day.