Chapter 5 two

Horiki and me. If this is the so-called friendship performance in the world, then the friendship between Horiki and I must also be the performance of friendship! Relying on the chivalrous heart of the proprietress of the Jingqiao bar (a woman's chivalrous heart, although this term is peculiar, but according to my experience, among most urban people, women have more chivalrous hearts than men, because most men are afraid, The mouth is sweet but courageous and stingy), and I got married with the tobacco shop's Yoshiko, and we rented a basement in a small two-story apartment near Tsukiji and the Sumida River, and the two of us settled down.

I gave up drinking and threw myself into what had become my regular career in comics.Every time after dinner, the two of them would go to the movies, and on the way back, they would sit in a tea shop or buy potted flowers. No, compared to these, I enjoyed listening to this little bride who trusted me wholeheartedly, staring at her. Watching her moving figure.Shouldn't I have gradually become like a normal person, so I don't have to taste any tragic ending!A trace of such naive thoughts began to ignite in my heart.At this time, Horiki appeared in front of him again. Hello!Pervert!Hey, you have changed a lot!Today I'm here to deliver a message for Ms. Kouenji.

In the middle of speaking, he hurriedly stopped, and pointed to Yoshiko who was preparing tea in the kitchen with his chin, is it okay?he asked. It's okay, just say it.I answered calmly. In fact, I always think that Yoshiko trusts everyone very much.Not to mention the matter between me and the proprietress Kyobashi, even if she was told about the Kamakura incident, she still believed in the relationship between Tsuneko and me. This is not because I am good at lying. Sometimes I have clearly opened the skylight To put it bluntly, Ryoko still treated it like a joke. You are still the same!In fact, it's not an important matter, I just pass on a message, she hopes you can come to Gaoyuan Temple occasionally.

Just when he was about to forget, a strange bird flapped its wings and flew over, stabbing the wound of memory with its sharp beak.For a moment, the memory of the shame and crimes of the past was vivid in my mind, and the fear of wanting to scream made me feel like I was sitting on pins and needles. Have a drink and go!I said. good.Horiki replied. Me and Horiki.Outwardly, the two are quite similar. I once noticed that the two of us are very similar people. Of course, this was only a matter of getting drunk at the time. Leaving aside other things, if the two faces are put together, at first glance they look like two people with the same appearance and fur color. The same feeling of a dog running back and forth on a side road where the snow is falling.

From that day on, we regained our old friendship, sometimes going to the small bar in Kyobashi together, and then like two drunk dogs visiting Shizuko's house in Koenji, and even spending the night there. I will never forget that sultry summer night. Horiki came to my apartment in Tsukiji wearing a crumpled yukata, and mentioned that he had pawned his clothes because he was short of money today. It would be bad if his mother knew that he had pawned his clothes, so he wanted to borrow some money from me. Redeem early. I had no money myself, so I told Liangzi to take the clothes to the pawn shop as usual, and lent the money to Horiki, and asked Liangzi to buy some shochu for the rest of the money. The smell of the stinky ditch blowing from the Sumida River faintly set up a simple banquet to enjoy the cool air.

We were playing a game of comic nouns and tragic nouns.This is my own invention. There are masculine nouns, feminine nouns, and neuter nouns in nouns. Naturally, there are comedy nouns and tragic nouns.For example, cars and trains are tragic nouns, while streetcars and buses are comic nouns.If you ask why, it's because people who don't understand the meaning of it are not worthy of talking about the relationship between art, and a playwright who doesn't even use half of the noun for tragedy in comedy is not qualified, and vice versa for tragedy works. Done yet?tobacco?I asked. sad. (abbreviation for tragedy) Horiki replied.

medicine? Powder or pill? Injectable. sad. Yeah?Hormone injections count too! No, definitely sad.I said, the needle itself is a perfect tragedy! Well, I throw in the towel.But let me tell you, medicine or doctors are all unexpected comedy (short for comedy)!What about death? happiness.Both priests and monks. bingo!Is that life sad? No, that's hi too. No, everyone is happy in this way.Then let me ask one more question, what about cartoonists?This can't be called happiness, can it? Sadness, sorrow, this is a great tragic term! what the hell!I think you are a great tragedy!

And so, with clumsy jokes, bored, but proud of ourselves for inventing such a clever game as the world has never seen before. I also invented a similar game at the time.That's an antonym game.The irony of black (the abbreviation of antonym) is white, but the irony of white is red, and the irony of red is black. What is the irony of flowers?When I asked, Horiki tilted his mouth and thought, Well, there is a shop called Huayue, so it is Yue! No, that's not irony!That's synonymous.Aren't stars and violets synonymous?So it's not irony! I know, bees! bee? Ants on peonies?

What are you doing? That's a painting topic!Don't make up answers! I see!Bright flowers and thin clouds It's the moon and the clouds! Yes!Where there are flowers, there is wind, it is wind!The irony of flowers is wind! You are terrible, and it’s not the Langhua Festival (a folk rap song accompanied by Sanxian, similar to Chinese drum words) in a sentence, let me tell you the answer! don't want.It's Pipa! Stop making trouble, the irony of flowers is the most flower-like thing in the world, you should figure it out! So yes wait!Could it be a woman? Next question, what is the synonym for woman?

offal. You are not poetic!What is that visceral irony? milk. Well done!Chasing after the victory Another question, what is the irony of shame (honte)? Shameless, the boss of the popular manga artist Jitai. I think it's Masao Horiki! The two of us slowly couldn't laugh, and the haze atmosphere unique to the shochu liquor filled the head like glass shards from a wine bottle. Stop talking big!I haven't suffered the disgrace of going to prison like you have! I was taken aback. Horiki never really saw me in his heart as a real person, just as a suicidal and shameless idiot, a walking corpse, he just used what I could to satisfy his pleasure, our relationship For him, that's all there is to it.

Thinking of this, I lost all good mood.But after thinking about it, Horiki would look at me like this because I was a child who was not qualified to be a human being, so it's only natural that Horiki would despise me! sin.What is the opposite of evil?It's hard!I asked with a nonchalant expression. law. Horiki replied without changing his face, and I looked at Horiki's face again.Illuminated by the flickering red neon lights of nearby buildings, Horiki's face seemed to have the majesty of a devil detective. I was dumbfounded. Hello!Evil is not such a thing! The irony of evil is law?However, people in the world probably live with this simple idea.They thought that there would be crimes and stupidity where there were no criminal police. If not, what is it?Is it God?I look a little bit of that Jesus guy in you, it feels bad! Don't categorize me so simply!Let's think again!Isn't this an interesting topic?As long as one of them answers, it feels like you can fully understand a person. No way!The irony of evil is kindness!Good citizens, like me! You are such a joker!But good is the irony of evil, not the irony of evil! Is evil different from sin? no the same!no the same!The concept of good and evil is created by human beings themselves, and it is a moral vocabulary created by human beings without authorization. You are annoying!Sure enough, he is still a god, right?It's God!No matter how you think of it as a god, you must be right.I am starving! Ah Liang is cooking beans downstairs. thanks!This is my favorite!He fell asleep on his back with his hands under his head. It seems to me that you have little interest in evil. That's right, I'm not a sinner like you.me!No matter how much you play with women, you won't let them die or take all their money. I didn't let the woman die, and I didn't take all the money from the woman. A faint but firm protest rose from somewhere in my heart.but not!It was my fault!Once again I habitually changed my mind. I can't criticize it head-on and directly.Owing to the gloomy intoxication of schnapps, I tried to suppress my bad mood from time to time, almost talking to myself: But simply going to and from prison is not a sin.If one can understand the irony of evil, one can sense the reality of evil.God, redemption, love, and light, but the irony of God has Satan, the irony of redemption has distress, love has hate, and light has darkness as irony.Sin and prayer, sin and repentance, sin and confession, sin and alas!These are all synonyms, what is the irony of evil? The irony of evil is honey (evil tsumi and honey mitsu, reversed in Japanese)!Sweet as honey.I'm so hungry!Go get something! You won't take it yourself?It was almost the first time in my life that I made an outburst of anger. OK!Then I'm going downstairs to have a gentle crime with Ah Liang!Actual review is much more useful than verbal talk!The irony of evil should not be sweet beans, no, broad beans! He was almost too drunk to speak clearly. up to you!Get out! Evil is to hunger, hunger is to broad beans, no, these should be synonymous!He stood up and muttered nonsense. Crime and punishment.Dostoevsky. A flash of light flashed in my mind, and this idea flashed through, and I suddenly realized.What if Dostoevsky did not think that crime and punishment were synonymous, but juxtaposed as antonyms?Crime and punishment are totally incompatible but incompatible.Oh, the green, stagnant pool, and entangled abyss in Dostoyevsky's mind who thinks about crime and punishment as irony!I'm starting to have some clues!No, it's gone again. My mind is like a revolving lantern. Hello!What broad beans!Come and see!Horiki's voice and expression changed. He just staggered up and walked down, then backed away. What's wrong? A strange sense of murder was rippling, the two of us descended from the roof to the second floor, and on the way from the stairs on the second floor to my downstairs room, Horiki stopped suddenly. look!He pointed quietly. There was a small transom above my room that was open and I could see into the room.Inside was a light, and two animals were entangled. I was dizzy, gasped violently, and at the same time muttered in my heart: This is also one of the appearances of human beings!This is one of the human appearance, no big deal!I even forgot to help Ryoko, and I just stared blankly on the stairs. Horiki coughed loudly.I ran back to the roof alone as if fleeing for my life, and lay down looking up at the humid summer night sky. The emotions that hit me at that time were not anger, disgust, or sadness, but incomparable terror. This is not the horror of seeing a ghost in a cemetery, but a bit like the feeling of encountering a white-clothed female ghost in a cedar forest at a shrine. It is a kind of speechless, old-fashioned fear.My teenage white started popping up that night.Finally, I lost all self-confidence, finally, I stopped trusting people. The anticipation, joy and sympathy I had for this world have left me forever.Honestly, it was the defining event in my life. The wounds from my frontal blows ache every time I get close to people. I sympathize with you very much, but I think you know more or less in your own heart!I won't be coming back, it's hell!But, please forgive Ah Liang!After all, you are not a decent thing.I take my leave first. Horiki won't be so confused that he always stays in a place that he finds awkward. I sat up, drank soju by myself, and then burst into tears, unable to stop no matter what. At some point, Ryoko stood behind me blankly holding a plate of broad beans piled up like a mountain. He said he wouldn't do anything to me No, don't say anything.Who told you not to know how to doubt others.sit down!pacman. Sitting side by side eating beans.well!Is trust also a sin?The other party was a businessman in his thirties who had never read any books. When he came to me to draw comics, he would put a little money behind him in a pretentious manner. The businessman didn't appear again afterward, but compared to the fact that I hated the businessman, Horiki coughed softly when he first saw it, and went back to the roof like this, bringing the hatred that I came down to meet this scene without knowing it. And anger, and more often made me toss and turn and moan in sleepless nights. There is nothing unforgivable.Ryoko believes in everyone, she doesn't know how to doubt.But, that's why it's sad. Ask God, is trust a sin? Compared with the matter of Yoshiko being tarnished, the matter of Yoshiko's sense of trust being tarnished has become the source of my almost distressed life in the future.For a person like me who is unhappy, fearful and restless, always looking at other people's faces, and has cracks in trust in others, Liangzi Wuxia's sense of trust can make people feel as fresh as a waterfall of green leaves. That night, it changed suddenly, turning into yellow turbid sewage.From that night on, Ryoko has been paying attention to my every frown and smile. Hello!When I called her, she would startle, with a puzzled look in her eyes. No matter how I make her laugh or make jokes, she is still timid and trembling, and even uses honorifics when speaking to me. Sure enough, a flawless sense of trust is a source of evil. I have read many novels about wives being raped, but I don't think there is any woman as miserable as Ryoko.This doesn't feel like a story at all.If there was still a little bit of love between that wretched businessman and Yoshiko, I might still have a little sense of redemption, but that summer night, because of Yoshiko's trust, everything was ruined, and I was hit hard by this, and I was crying hoarse The boy's voice climbed up to his head, but Ryoko had to live in fear in front of me all his life.Most of the stories focus on whether the husband forgave his wife's behavior, but for me, that wasn't such a painful question.forgive!Do not forgive!Is the husband happy who retains this right?If you can't understand, can you divorce your wife and marry a new wife without making a big fuss?If it can't be done, then simply forgive her for holding back, and use her husband's majesty to calm the disturbances in all directions!I even feel that way. Such a thing is indeed a big shock to the husband, but I think that even if it is a shock, it is not a turbulent aftermath that will never be settled, because a husband with power can deal with everything by his anger.However, when things happened to me, I realized that my husband had no rights. After thinking about it, I even felt that it was all my fault.What are you angry about?A wife who has never said a single stupid word is violated because of her unique and precious virtue, and this virtue is exactly the flawless sense of trust that her husband yearns for, which makes people feel pity. Flawless trust is a crime. Even doubting the only virtue I hoped for, I became more and more confused, and only alcohol became my only sustenance. The expression on my face became extremely obscene. I drank from morning to night, my teeth fell out sparsely, and even the cartoons I drew were almost obscene.No, to be clear, I've been secretly drawing pornographic pictures ever since, just to make money for the booze.Whenever I turn my eyes to the shy Yoshiko, doubts arise in my mind: This woman doesn't know how to be vigilant at all, so it must have happened to the businessman more than once!Also, what about Horiki?Or is there someone I don't know?But I didn't even have the courage to ask clearly. I could only let my thoughts churn in fear and anxiety as usual, drink and get drunk, and then try to interrogate a little bit with trepidation. But he was joking around, and after that, he caressed Yoshiko like hell and disgustingly, and then fell to the side like a pile of mud and fell asleep. At the end of that year, I drank very late at night and came home drunk. I wanted to drink some sugar water, because I didn’t want to wake up Yoshiko, so I went to the kitchen to find the sugar bowl, opened the lid, but there was no sugar in it. Sugar, only a small black long and thin carton.I took it out casually, and was stunned when I saw the label on the box.Although more than half of the label was scraped off by the nails, the English part was still there, and it was clearly written: DIAL. sleeping pills. At that time, I was so absorbed in the wine country that I didn't need any hypnotic tranquilizers at all. However, I was no stranger to hypnotic tranquilizers as I had an old problem of insomnia.Such a box of sleeping pills is enough to kill a person.Although the seal of the box has not been opened, it must be Ryoko who hesitated to play with the box because she had thoughts of suicide.The poor girl couldn't understand the English on the label, so she thought it would be enough to scrape off half of it with her nails! (You are not guilty of this.) I secretly filled the glass with water as quietly as possible, slowly opened the box seal, poured it all into my mouth in one breath, calmly drank the water in the glass, then turned off the light, and fell into a deep sleep go.For three days and three nights, I heard that I seemed to be dead. The doctor thought it was negligent death, and hesitated whether to call the police over.I woke up faintly, and the first sentence I babbled was: I want to go home, but where does home refer to, even I didn't understand at that time, I just kept crying. Gradually, his consciousness became clearer, and when he took a closer look, he saw the flounder sitting beside the pillow with a stinky face. This guy is really, it's the end of the year, and everyone is obviously busy, but he still likes to pick this kind of time, my old life can't bear it! It was Kyobashi's proprietress who was listening to Flounder. Ma'am I called out. Um?How about it?Do you feel it?The proprietress wanted to put a smile on her face. I burst into tears and said, please let me divorce Ryoko. Words came out of my mouth that I had never thought of. The proprietress straightened up and sighed faintly. Then, another blunder that I never thought of, which I can't even describe as funny and stupid. I'm going to a place where there are no women. Hahaha, the flounder laughed out loud first, and the proprietress also snickered, and I blushed and smiled wryly with tears streaming down my face. Well, it's better this way. Flounder is always like this with a sly smile and said: You'd better go where there are no women, because if there are women, you can't do anything.I think it would be better for you to go where there are no women. No place for women.But my foolish idea turned out to be desolately realized. Yoshiko seems to think that I took the poison instead of her by mistake, and she has become more aggressive towards me, and she is more timid than before, no matter what I say, she doesn't smile, just like this, we talk less and less, so I feel very gloomy even when I stay in the room , I couldn’t help thinking of going outside, and immersed myself in the wine country as usual. But since the sleeping pill incident, my physique has become thinner and thinner, my hands are weak, and I am lazy even in drawing cartoons. At that time, the money left by the flounder when he came to visit the sick (although the flounder told me: This is my A little respect from Shibuda. He took it as if he took it out of his own pocket, but it seemed to be taken from his brothers back home. At that time, I was different from the one who escaped from the flounder house before, and I could pretend to be stupid at the same time While seeing through the Flounder’s pretentiousness, I can also cunningly pretend to be ignorant, and thank the Flounder for the money miraculously, but why the Flounder and the others want to come up with these tricks, I seem to understand but I don’t understand it at all. I don’t think it’s strange), I decided to take a trip to the hot springs in Minami-Izu alone, but I’m not born to go to the hot springs leisurely, and when I think of Yoshiko, I feel infinitely lonely, which is not the same as It is far from the comfort of the hotel room overlooking the mountains and forests.I didn't even change into my cotton pajamas, I didn't even take a bath in the hot spring, so I went straight out and ran into a dirty tea shop outside, just wanting to drink wine like floating in the wine country, and then just make my body worse back to Tokyo. It was a snowy night in Tokyo.Drunk in the Ginza, I kept singing in a low voice over and over again, hundreds of miles away from home, hundreds of miles away from home, and I kicked the accumulated white snow with the toe of my shoes while walking. Suddenly, I vomited.That was the first time I coughed up blood.A large Japanese sun flag appeared on the snowdrift.I squinted for a while, then scooped up the unstained snow from the other side and washed my face, sobbing while washing. What is this environment? What is this environment? The girl's sad singing sounded like an auditory hallucination, reaching my ears from afar. Unlucky.There are all kinds of unfortunate people in this world. No, they should all be unfortunate people. It is not an exaggeration to say that.But the misfortune of those people can openly protest to this so-called world, and the world can easily understand these protests and sympathize with them.But my misfortunes are all due to my own sins. Not only can I not protest to anyone, but if I just want to stammer some voices of protest, even if it is not a flounder, everyone in this world will surely Feeling speechless about what I said, am I what the world calls a wayward guy?Or does it seem too weak? Although I don't even understand it myself, I can't find any specific way to prevent my endless misfortune like a heinous crime. I stood, thinking that I should find some medicine to treat it first, and walked into a nearby pharmacy.At the moment of meeting the lady boss inside, the lady boss raised her head as if she was bathed in a flashlight, and stood there with her round eyes staring blankly.But there was no look of surprise or disgust in her eyes, but there was admiration almost like asking for help.well!This is also an unfortunate person!Because unhappy people are also very sensitive to the misfortune of others.While thinking this way in my mind, I suddenly noticed that the proprietress was standing timidly with a pine cane.I suppressed the urge to run forward, and wept as the two looked at each other.Tears welled up in the proprietress' big eyes. Just like that, without saying a word, I walked out of the pharmacy and staggered back to the apartment.I asked Liangzi to help me mix the salt water and drink it, and fell asleep silently. The next day, I lied that I had a cold and slept all day. At night, I could no longer bear the uneasiness about coughing up blood, so I got up and went to the pharmacy.This time, with a smile on my face, I told the truth about my physical condition in the past. You must stop drinking.We are like family. I'm afraid I've got alcohol poisoning!I want to drink it even now. Oh No!My husband was also suffering from tuberculosis, and he only cared about drinking it because he said he needed to use wine to sterilize the bacteria, shortening his own life. No, I would be very disturbed, and it would be horrible, I don't want to. I will help you with a medicine.But only wine, don't drink it. The proprietress (is a widow with a son who is studying at a medical university somewhere in Chiba, and soon after he suffered from the same illness as his father, he was suspended from school and hospitalized, and a father-in-law who had a stroke was also lying in the house. The proprietress herself suffered from polio at the age of five and caused one foot to be completely paralyzed) rattling on crutches to help me take out all kinds of medicines from the cabinet and the drawer. This is a hematopoietic agent. This is vitamin injection. This is the syringe. This is calcium tablets. In order not to damage the stomach, it is also accompanied by stomach medicine. What is this, what is that, she explained five or six medicines to me lovingly.But this unfortunate proprietress has shown too much love for me.Finally, the proprietress said that if you want to drink it anyway, you can use this medicine, and she quickly took out a box wrapped in paper. Injection of morphine. This is better than alcohol, the proprietress said so, and I believe so, not only because of the rare unclean feeling of drunkenness, but also because of the joy of thinking that I can finally escape from the Satanic hand of alcohol. Inject morphine into your own wrist. Uneasiness, restlessness, and shyness were all eliminated, and I became a vigorous orator.After the injection, I even forgot about my physical weakness, and devoted myself to drawing comics, and while drawing and drawing, I would come up with strange and interesting ideas that would make people laugh. I thought I had one a day, but it turned into two, four, and when I ran out I couldn't even work without it. No way!It sucks if you're addicted. As soon as the proprietress of the pharmacy told me this, I felt that I was already a poisoned patient (I am the kind of person who will not be able to resist other people's hints. Even if someone tells me, I can't touch this money! I also feel that others think: Anyway, you I can figure it out! I have a strange illusion that if I don’t need it, I really deviate from my expectations. I must use the money as soon as possible.) Because of this anxiety, I need more medicine. please!Another box!I will definitely pay it off at the end of the month! It doesn't matter when you pay, but the police are watching closely! well!There was always a cloudy, gray, questionable background of ex-cons around me. Ma'am, please help me keep it a secret!Do you want me to kiss you?The proprietress blushed.I took the opportunity to say: If I don't have the medicine, I won't be able to go on working. This is like a refreshing medicine for me! Wouldn't it be good if you take hormones? Don't take me for a fool!I can't work without alcohol or drugs. No more drinking! Right?I haven't had a drop of alcohol since I took the medicine!Thanks to the medicine, my physical condition has improved a lot. I don’t intend to always draw obscene third-level comics. When I quit drinking, my body recovers, and I work harder, I will definitely draw great paintings for you look!Now is the most important moment.So, please do everything!Do you want me to kiss you? The proprietress laughed, what a headache! Leaning on crutches, she rattled and took out the medicine from the cabinet. I can't give you a whole case, because this stuff is used a lot.Give you half! How stingy, forget it, there is no other way.When I got home, I quickly played one. won't you hurt Ryoko asked herself cautiously. It hurts, but in order to improve work efficiency, you have to fight even if you don't like it.Am I not very energetic recently?ah!Time to work.Work!Work!I said happily. I also ran to knock on the door of the pharmacy in the middle of the night, and suddenly hugged the sleepy, rattling lady boss who answered the door with a cane, kissed her, and then pretended to cry. The proprietress will silently give me another box. When I gradually realized that medicine is like wine, no, it is more ominous and unclean than wine, I have become an out-and-out drug addict.Really, shameless to the extreme.I wanted to get the medicine blindly, not only started painting erotic pictures again, but even had an unspeakable relationship with the proprietress. I want to die. I would rather die. There is no turning back, no matter what?do what?It's all futile and will only make people feel more ashamed.Riding a bicycle to the waterfall in Aoba is an extravagant wish for me, but it only aggravates the sin of sorrow and obscenity, and makes the distress more intense. If I want to die, I must die. To live is the seed of evil.Despite the thoughts in my head, I continued to run back and forth between the apartment and the drug store like a madman. No matter how much work was done, the amount of money bought on credit skyrocketed because of the increasing drug addiction.Every time the proprietress sees me, her eyes will turn red, and I will shed tears. hell! In order to escape from hell, I resorted to the last resort. If this trick fails, then I can only die to seek relief.With the heart of life and death, I wrote a long letter to my father in my hometown, revealing all my actual situation (but I didn't write anything about women). But the result was even worse. No matter how long I waited, there was no response. Out of anxiety and uneasiness, I increased the dosage of the medicine. Tonight, it’s okay to shoot ten in one go, and then jump into the river. This afternoon, I secretly realized this, the flounder appeared in front of me with Horiki as if it had a sixth sense like a devil. I heard you coughed up blood. Horiki sat cross-legged in front of me, with a friendly smile that I had never seen before.That smile is so precious, so happy, I can't help but look away and shed tears.I was completely defeated and deeply buried by his kind smile. I was invited into the car. In short, you must be hospitalized first, and you can figure out what to do afterwards!Flounder also suggested this in a calm tone (the tone is so calm that it can be described as deeply benevolent). I am like a person without willpower or judgment, just crying secretly and obediently obeying the two.With Yoshiko added, the four of us seemed to be going forever with the car staggering towards the darker and darker end, when we arrived at the gate of a large hospital in Mori City. I always thought it was just a nursing home. The young doctor was extremely careful, carefully examined me, and then said: Well, let's rest for a while!Replied with a shy smile. Flounder, Horiki, and Yoshiko left me there and were about to go back. Yoshiko handed me the bag with a change of clothes, and silently took out the syringe and the leftover medicine from the belt. Sure enough, she really thought that Is it a refresher? No, I don't want it. To be honest, it's really strange.It is not an exaggeration to say that there is only one time in my life to reject the advice of others. My misfortune is actually the inability to reject the misfortune of others.Once I refuse, there will always be an irreparable white crack in the heart of the other party or myself. I am threatened by such fear.But at that time, I naturally refused the morphine that I had been frantically begging for before.Was it defeated by Ryoko's godlike innocence?Or was it that at that moment, I was out of drug addiction? However, soon after, I was led into a certain ward by the shy smiling young doctor, and the door was locked with a click.I came to a mental hospital. I'm going to a place where there are no women, and this stupid raving while drinking sleeping pills is miraculously fulfilled.In that ward, there were only male lunatics, even the nurses were men, and there were no women. Now I am no longer a sinner, but a lunatic.No, I'm not crazy.I was never mad for a moment.But, that's probably what madmen say about themselves, right?In short, those who will enter this hospital are lunatics, and those who do not enter are ordinary people. Just ask God.Is it a sin not to resist? Horiki's unbelievably beautiful smile made me cry. I forgot to judge and resist, got into the car, was taken here, and turned into a madman.Now, even if I go out from here, I will still be stamped with the mark of a madman, no, a useless person on my forehead. I am not qualified to be a human being. I'm not a human being at all. It was already early summer when we came here. From the bars, we could still see red water lilies blooming in the small pond in the courtyard of the hospital. After three months, the cosmos bloomed in the courtyard. , the eldest brother from my hometown brought me back with flounder. My father passed away due to a gastric ulcer at the end of last month, and we will not ask about your past, and you don’t have to worry about financial problems, you can do whatever you want, but in the same way, although there are still many nostalgia, you have to leave as soon as possible Tokyo, start to live a quiet life in the countryside. Shibuda will help you with the rest of your affairs in Tokyo, so don't worry about it.The eldest brother spoke in a serious and nervous tone. I felt the mountains and rivers of my hometown appear in front of me, and I nodded slightly. What a waste! After learning the news of my father's death, I became like a wimp. Father is no longer there, the familiar and terrifying sense of existence in his chest is no longer there.I felt that the source of my distress was empty.I even thought that the source of my troubles would be so heavy, maybe it was because of my father?I've lost all motivation.Lost even the ability to worry. The elder brother did exactly what he promised to me. It takes about four or five hours to go south by train from the small town where I was born. In the rare and warm seaside hot springs in the northeast, far away from the village, he bought a five-room long (room is the unit length, about 1.8 meters) ), but it was so old that even the walls were peeling off and the beams and columns were eaten away by insects. It was almost impossible to repair a hut for me. I also arranged for an ugly old maid who was nearly sixty years old and had red hair. Then three years later, during that period, the old maid named A Zhe had abnormal relations with me several times, and occasionally we would quarrel like a couple quarreling.My lung disease went from good to bad, sometimes fat and sometimes thin, and sometimes coughed up bloody sputum.Yesterday, I asked Ah Zhe to buy sleeping pills, and sent her to the pharmacy in the village. The box she bought was different from usual, but I didn’t notice the difference. I swallowed ten pills before going to bed, but I still couldn’t fall asleep. I was wondering , I felt that my stomach went straight to the toilet strangely, the diarrhea continued, and I ran three times in a row. I couldn't help feeling suspicious, and stared at the medicine box carefully, only to find out that what I bought was a laxative called Mongolian sweat medicine . I lay on my back with a hot water bottle on my stomach, thinking that I must scold Ah Zhe well. Hello!This is not a sleeping pill!It's sweat medicine! I couldn't help giggling as soon as I opened my mouth.It seems that the word useless is a comic noun. I drank laxatives to fall asleep, and the name of the laxatives was Meng Khan. Now, for me, there is no such thing as happiness or unhappiness. Everything will eventually pass. So far, since I came to this human world, the only thing that makes me feel more like the truth is this one. Everything will eventually pass. This year, I am twenty-seven years old.但由於白髮明顯增加，一般人看我倒像四十歲有餘。 postscript 我與撰寫這手札的瘋子沒有直接關係。 但是，我卻稍稍認識一個和那手札中描寫的京橋酒吧老闆娘雷同的人物。 她身材嬌小、臉色蒼白、雙眼細細往上吊、鼻子高挺，比起所謂的美女，倒不如用美少年來形容還比較貼切的感覺。 手札讓人感覺像是以昭和五、六、七年間，當時東京風景為主而撰寫出來的，但我兩番三次隨朋友順到經過京橋酒吧進去喝杯摻有蘇打水的威士忌，卻是在日本軍閥已漸漸明目張膽的昭和十年前後，所以我並沒有機會與寫手札的主角碰到面。 然而，今年二月，我去拜訪搬到千葉縣船橋市的朋友。這位朋友是我大學時代的同學，目前在某女子大學擔任講師，其實我是過去託這位朋友的幫忙才得以和內人結為連理，加上心想偶爾可以買些新鮮的海產給人家享用，於是背起行囊前往船橋市拜訪。 船橋市是個面迎泥海的大城鎮。 即使有門牌地址，但詢問當地人是否知道新搬來的這位朋友住處，他們也不太清楚。除了寒冷，背著背包的肩膀也酸痛不已，後來我被唱機的提琴聲吸引，到某間咖啡店推門而入。 這位老闆娘有點眼熟，一問之下才知正是十年前京橋小酒吧的老闆娘。老闆娘看來也是很快就想起我，兩人大吃一驚地笑了出來。我們沒有像當時的慣例一樣，相互詢問彼此躲空襲的親身體驗，卻相當自豪地聊起來： 你可是一點也沒變呢！ 不，哪兒的話，我都是老太婆啦！身子也不中用了。你才是呢！這麼年輕！ It's fine.我小孩都三個了，今天就是來為那些小傢伙們買東西的。 就像許久未見的老友見面時相互寒暄著，然後交換起兩人共同認識的朋友近況，此時，老闆娘語氣一轉問道：你認識阿葉嗎？ 不認識我答。 老闆娘走進裡頭拿了三本筆記本與三張相片交給我道： 這可能可以當成寫小說的材料也不一定。 我是那種寫作時無法對他人強給的題材有任何靈感的人，本想當場還回去（關於那三張相片的奇特處，我已於前文發表了），但我心卻被那三張相片所吸引，決定先把筆記本收著，回去時再順道拿來還，我問老闆娘知不知道住在某鎮某號，在女子大學擔任老師的某某先生，果然因為都是新搬來的，故彼此認識。 聽說偶爾還會到咖啡店裡坐坐，就住在附近。 那天夜裡與朋友稍稍喝了點酒，雖然留宿了一晚，但我卻是一夜無眠，翻閱起先前的筆記直到半夜。 手札中所記載的都是過去的事。但就算是現代人來看，肯定也是興趣滿滿。比起我拙劣地添筆修飾，還不如就這樣原封不動地放在某地雜誌社上發表要有意義多了。 帶給孩子們的禮物只有魚乾。我背起行囊和朋友告辭，順道經過之前的咖啡店。 昨天真是謝謝你，我迅速切入正題，這本筆記可否暫時借我？ OK!please! 這個人，現在仍在世嗎？ 這麼嘛！I don't know very well.十年前這本筆記本和相片包成包裹寄送到我在京橋的店裡，寄件人雖然是阿葉，但包裹上卻沒寫到阿葉的地址，甚至連名字都沒有。空襲時混在其他東西裡面，這包東西不可思議地保存下來，我就從那時開始試著讀完全部的 妳哭了嗎？ 不，與其說哭，倒不如說是覺得：不行，人變成這樣就不行了。 都過了十年了，這人可能已經過世了。搞不好這是打算當成禮物而寄到妳那邊去的呢！雖然其中多多少少有些誇張之處，但感覺上連妳都受到他相當大的傷害！若這些全部屬實，若我是他朋友，可能也會想把他帶到精神病院去呢！ 是他父親的錯。老闆娘無意中說出口，我們所認識的阿葉非常率直、非常機靈，若是不喝酒，不，就算喝了酒，他也是個像天神般的大好人。 （本文所用之《魯拜集》詩句，乃從已故的掘井梁步先生譯作中節選而出。）