Chapter 7 Six, heavy snow

Qihang, first love, father and son, misunderstanding Getting along with the Gong family brothers and sisters is an important opportunity to strengthen my mental toughness.There, a situation completely different from my home provided a space for my mind to move, to recognize the division between pain and pleasure, and to vent the pent-up block.Turning various chance values ​​from negative to positive, self-confidence has been cultivated, and observation skills have gradually matured. My intelligence is similar to theirs, and my ability is equal, and I even fall behind them in many places.Because of my low self-esteem, no matter what I do, I put in extra effort. I am afraid that I will be despised by them and lose the opportunity to participate.For them, everything comes naturally, and there is no need to deliberately seek work.It’s not the case for me. I don’t want to talk about my sincerity, but I have to observe and reflect carefully, because I have to win their affirmation.

The third child first opened a Minsheng film company and issued banknotes.He is very creative. His movies are drawn with a very thin pen in the form of comics on translucent paper the size of postage stamps, and then screened on the wall in grids.Before the screening, the audience had to buy tickets to enter the venue, and they had to use the banknotes issued by him and stamped with a stone seal to buy tickets. I was immediately fascinated by his conception, he was painting every day, but he was always unable to meet the endless needs of the audience.The fourth child also formed a company and acted in movies.How can I be a descendant?How can we play and watch for nothing?

But I can't just copy his ideas, and it's impossible to draw every day at home. I must find a way to produce in large quantities, and the quality must be qualified.I have studied for a long time and found that they use perspective. If they use reflection instead, I only need to cut out the cartoons in the newspaper, and I don't even need to draw them, and I can get the desired effect. Because the area of ​​newspaper cartoons is large, the reflective projector I made is also very large, and the performance was immediately proved by the box office.However, everyone has read the stories in the newspaper, and they lost their freshness. Compared with their originality, they are still a bit behind.

I don't know how to draw, and in this situation, I have to draw, but how do I start?I borrowed a picture book of the cartoon movie Peter Pan from a friend, but the Gong family hadn't read it yet, so I copied it secretly in my refuge room.At first I paid too much attention to the beauty of the lines and didn't take into account the whole picture.After working hard for a long time, looking at each piece separately, it seems to be passable, but when put together or viewed from a distance, it is simply shameful. I began to doubt whether I had the talent for painting, tried and tried, and almost decided to give up.Because the air-raid shelter is very humid, I only have a wooden board with a few bricks under it as a table. The wooden board is very small, and books often fall to the ground.Soon, the picture book was soaked and spotted, and the graphics on the screen were often hard to discern.Suddenly I found a problem, why the picture is not clear, but the exquisiteness of the original image is not damaged at all?

After repeated research, I found that the proportion of graphics is far more important than strokes.I have no training, and it is difficult to grasp the proportion every time the pen is drawn.Now that I had found the cause, I devoted myself to the solution of this crucial problem. When people face a problem, they often don't know where to start because they have so many thoughts.If you can't start, just stay where you are, and the problem will always be the problem.In my experience, any difficult problem is only difficult to find the first problem, find one, and focus on solving this one regardless of the others.Of course, this one problem may have nothing to do with the real problem, and the solution may not even be the right one.However, this helps me simplify the problem, and it helps me enter the situation and fully understand the real core problem.

After understanding this truth, I learned to look at the overall outline first, and then differentiate the problem until it can be dealt with.Solve one problem and face another. In this way, over the years, I was able to successfully solve all the problems I faced.Because human thinking is based on the association of a single clue, if there are too many unknowns, the processing efficiency of the human brain will be reduced proportionally.Only after we understand several factors and continue to practice and make them proficient, and become subconscious or reflex actions, the brain can concentrate on thinking about new problems.

Taking the painting at that time as an example, in order to obtain a figure with the correct proportion, that is, the position of the original picture and the picture drawn should be in a certain proportion.I tried measuring it with a ruler and it worked.But I thought it was too troublesome to use a ruler, so I marked the ruler on the paper and drew it into a grid.Using this method, not only can the painting be lifelike, but also the speed is extremely fast. It wasn't until I met a friend who painted advertisements when I was in college that I realized that this is a commonly used technique in painting.Not just painting, no matter what I do, I rarely get advice from famous teachers. Only relying on this method of solving problems, I learn and deal with it by myself, which is often quite innovative.

My new film was a huge hit, not only did I collect the kids' pocket money, but I often entertained the neighbor's parents, and the bank's reserves were growing. In order to give the money a sense of value, I borrowed steel plates and waxed paper for handouts from the school, and imprinted them like real money.Seeing the pretty banknotes, I suddenly thought, why can't novels be printed?Of course you can, as long as someone is willing to write articles. So, I offer a reward for everyone's novels.For the sake of money, although there are no novels, I have received some small novels, which are all copied from the school composition book.From this, I launched my first magazine, called "Set Sail".At that time, the interest was so great that even the mimeograph machine was designed by myself.I found glass silk stockings to make a net, nailed it to a wooden frame, and wrapped the wooden stick with a bicycle inner tube to use as an ink roller, and it turned out to be as good as a fake.

Finally, I got a place in the Gong family. Following Sister Min's strategy, as long as my father was not at home, I would slip out of the gate, jump over the wall, and become the head of a doll. A bright light is also slowly rising in the darkness. The sixth child is named Tianxia, ​​everyone calls her Xiaomei, and her older sister is called Damei.The reason why I noticed her was that once after she had a quarrel with her eldest sister, the third child judged her for being wrong and asked her to apologize to her eldest sister. She thought about it, and she said sincerely: I was wrong, sister, I'm sorry.

To them, this may not be a big deal, but I was taken aback.At home, I have never heard of an apology. If you make a mistake, you are wrong. I have never even seen a mistake. How can I apologize in public?At that time, I judged intuitively that the little girl must be very good at life, she is hypocrisy! But in another incident, I was also one of the parties, the details are now forgotten.I just remembered that it was clearly someone else's fault, but someone insisted that it was my younger sister who was wrong.She cried, and for several days, no matter how much everyone teased her, she just turned her face away and refused to speak.I can't help but appreciate that ruthlessness from the bottom of my heart.

It may be accidental that a seed falls on the ground, but whether the seed can germinate and take root must have a certain foundation.As the saying goes: If you are destined to meet thousands of miles away, if you don't have the opportunity to meet, you will not know each other.Meeting people is a kind of fate, but whether people's feelings can match is another kind of chance.From what I thought was the hypocrisy of my younger sister to appreciating her personality, the change in mentality is entirely related to self-awareness.I am an extremely emotional person. Because I know that I am too emotional, I have been working hard to pursue rationality and deliberately buried my sensibility in my heart. The little girl has a nickname, called Fierce Girl, she has a resolute personality, and she would rather bend than twist.Even if there is something on her mind, no one can detect any clues from her appearance.Once she makes a decision, no one can change it.Just like a cypress isolated on a hill, no matter how big the storm is, it can only shake the leaf tips. I lack this kind of ruthlessness, and I most envy this kind of spirit.I got psychological compensation from her, and I was able to gradually understand myself. However, our feelings are like a gurgling stream.During the first six or seven years of our acquaintance, although we couldn't talk about getting along day and night, we rarely didn't see each other for a few days.She never pretends to me, and I respect her even more, but I can always feel a heat stirring in the ground where we stand together. Some people say that reserve is the nature of Chinese people, but I think it is caused by traditional customs and environmental pressure.From the acceptance of conservative values ​​in the family and society to the maturity of self-experience, we have learned to suppress our feelings and release them little by little.The reason why this feeling is so deep is that it is condensed with time and crystallized into the essence of life.Life is boundless, the past years will never return, and the trickle of life is mixed in the memory, which is particularly soul-stirring and precious. The love between a man and a woman is originally just a vent of animal desire. If it is triggered at the touch of a button, everything will disappear after the sensation of physical excitement disappears.Especially in the nature of human nature, the so-called feelings are nothing but the intersection of self-memory.The longer you think about it, the more you will be involved.Past experiences form a part of the self, which cannot be thrown away or lingered because of feelings.Because of feelings, the psychology and emotions of the self are affected. This is qing. People are actually the continuation of their individual experience. In addition to sensory sensations, experience also provides considerable inner feelings.Pleasant experiences are missed, painful ones avoided.And the longer people get along with each other, the deeper they understand each other, and they will naturally know how to cooperate with each other to maintain a good relationship.In the same way, if you have a deeper understanding, you will know how to avoid disputes, conflicts, and even how to keep a distance. Emotion can also be said to be a way for people to adapt to each other. When a person adapts to another person's habits and behaviors, he will naturally accept this person and use it as a standard to measure others.Therefore, in the process of growing up, the most important factor affecting the environment on people is the communication between people and the way of communication. My feelings for my little sister are piled up in a kind of past years that seem to be invisible and intertwined. I didn't even touch her hand until I was in my third year of college.But precisely because of mutual respect and mutual self-restraint, every bit of care and laughter, each other will secretly treasure it and chew it slowly.So that no matter when and where, the sweetness accumulated in the heart for a long time can be poured out at any time.This kind of feeling belongs to oneself completely, exists between memories and associations, forever and forever. This feeling can be said to have reached a state, which is the realm of the purely spiritual world and has nothing to do with reality.If you don't want to possess, you will have no gain or loss, and if you have no gain or loss, you will not suffer or worry.In this realm, I can appreciate all beautiful, pure, and perfect people and things without hindrance. It doesn't matter to me when my little sister's feelings for me began.Just hearing her voice, seeing her smile, and even thinking about her gave me so much relief that I forgot about everything else. When I was in my junior year of high school, the grievances I suffered at home had reached the edge of my psychological defense.My father regarded me like a plague god, and for no reason (at least I didn't know it at the time), he beat and scolded me whenever he saw me.What's even more sad is that he knows that I often go to the Gong's house to play, not only strictly prohibiting it, but sometimes even swearing at each other, belittling the Gong's family as worthless. I can bear my own humiliation, but I don't want to hurt others, so I start planning to escape.At that time, a riverboat incident happened. A ship retreating from Dachen was sunk by the CCP gunboats.Under the instigation of the government, there was an upsurge of joining the army among young people across the country, and I immediately went to school to sign up. There was an instructor whose name I don't remember.He persuaded me for a long time, saying that the best way to serve the country is to study hard.Because the country will never be short of soldiers, but the demand for knowledge will never be enough, so I must not be impulsive. I insist: I am not impulsive. what is that?Do you think it's enough to be alone? The principal announced it this morning!He wants us to serve our country in the army. He has to say it, but you don't have to. why? well!He hesitated for a while, then shook his head and said: Don't worry about these things, you should study hard, being a Chinese is really hard.As long as I am an instructor here, I will not allow you to suffer. What harm?I have always had the problem of breaking the casserole and asking the bottom line. Don't ask, you go back, no one wants to join the army! In fact, I didn't join the army to serve the country, I just wanted to find a reason to run away from home, so I didn't listen to his kindness.I thought of the second son of the Gong family. He originally studied at Jianguo Middle School, and his grades were quite good.But because of family disputes, he couldn't bear the friction between his mother and grandmother, and angrily applied for the naval academy, so I wanted to hear his opinion. It was a peaceful night. In the simple living room, I drank half a bottle of rice wine for cooking. In a trance, I took off the veil covered with laughter for the first time in front of the Gong family brothers and sisters.The bitterness of memories is mixed with the pleasure of catharsis, and a series of nightmare-like experiences are intermittently sighed and flowed out in billowing tears. The concept of language is only an introduction, and the vibration of the heart is the bridge.The tragic exchange in the world is between a few children who are not deeply involved in the world, and no one can bear such a heavy sorrow.Especially the younger sister, from her expression and eyes, I felt a warm heart resonance after another. I don't believe there is such a father in the world, you must have done something very bad, otherwise why would he beat you and scold you for no reason?The younger sister said with certainty. But, I really don't have it! Come to think of it, you've always stolen money, haven't you? Yes, I stole a few times to rent novels, up to ten yuan. It's not stealing money. If he finds out that you stole money, he will definitely scold you, so there's no need to hide it.The second child disagrees. The fourth child thought desperately, shook his head and said: Strange!What else is there? The third child said: Even if you do something bad, your father should tell you or teach you a lesson! Is it because I have missed a grade?That's the only reason I can think of. The second child was calmer, and said: Impossible, if this is the reason, your father would only force you to study, not to type while doing homework. Have you ever killed someone?I don't know who asked this question. Don't talk nonsense!I think it must be what?The second child also lost his eloquence. No one could think of any reason, but none of that mattered anymore.I am even fortunate to have these adventures, which made me closely bond with my little sister in this time and space, sharing joys and sorrows.Through her black pupils, I got into the restricted area of ​​her heart, and through her red and tender lips, I channeled the true feelings of caring and understanding.At this moment, boundless warmth covered the frozen earth, and grief turned into light smoke.In eternity, I am no longer alone, and I can take refuge at any time in this paradise I share with her. I gave up the idea of ​​leaving home to join the army, and we changed the way we played.Including my sister, and several children of the same age in their family, we threw ourselves into the embrace of nature.The blue sky and white clouds, the green mountains and green fields, the lake in Xindian, the cherry blossoms in Yangmingshan and the rare auspicious snow on Datun Mountain are all woven into our sweet and precious memories. The vivid image of the little girl, her frowning and smiling movements, occasionally intertwined with my eyes, intentionally or unintentionally.Immediately, there was a feeling of warmth and thickness, which made my whole soul unbearable to melt.At this moment, I hastily closed my heart, carefully absorbed the experience, and then properly found a precious place and sealed it up. We played in many ways, and the second, who was older, used to quiz us on the Naval Academy IQ test.Once, he asked a very difficult question, saying that it would take three days for the fastest one in the school to find the answer. The title is this: There are twelve balls of the same size, and one of them is not known to be light or heavy.We have to use a balance to measure, and we can only measure three times at most before we know the answer. I intuitively thought that the safest approach would be to get the average odds the first time.Twelve divided by three, at the beginning, it must take less than an hour to use four balls each time, and I figured it out.The second child was very unconvinced, and insisted that I had played before, and he would not believe me no matter what I swore. Another time, only the second, third, fourth, and younger sister were present, and we played guessing games, and I was still the quickest to react. The second child suddenly said: You are so smart, you should know who I like best? I thought it was Sister Min, because he often made fun of Sister Min intentionally or unintentionally, and deliberately sang love songs through the courtyard wall.Sister Min complained to her father, saying that the psycho next door watched her take a bath every day, which was one of the reasons why her father had a bad impression of the Gong family.In a fit of rage, my father doubled the height of the courtyard wall. But in the game, it would be no fun to say it directly, so I decided to come up with a riddle for him to guess.He readily agreed, and I was thinking of illness, because that was the nickname given to him by Sister Min. I just said: sick. The younger sister and the third child all made a big fuss about the sick word, but they couldn't think of it. The second child thought for a while, then slapped his thigh: Zhu Bangfu, I admire you, you are a genius!I just want to know, even they don't know about me and your sister, how do you know? As soon as this remark came out, everyone in the audience was shocked, including me.How could it be Limei?How did I guess it?Everyone stared at me blankly, but I looked at the blue sky. Tell me, where am I giving away? It's not that I refuse to say, I really don't know, but how can I admit it?Had to sell off. The little girl couldn't bear it any longer, and asked the second brother, "Second brother, what does the sick word have to do with Zhu Lili?" You'll know it after you write it down. After all, the Zhu family is knowledgeable, and the word Bing is made up of two Li characters!He took a piece of paper and stretched the character "友" to make it "Li Li". This is called no coincidence, and it is unbelievable that it is so coincidental. One day, someone suggested that all five of our Gong family brothers and sisters, who were about the same age as the two in my family, go to the Fairy Cave in Keelung to play for a whole day.As soon as I heard it, I had an ominous premonition. I have gone through various battles, big and small, and I am well aware of my own scope and limits.And the more I cherish it, the more I am afraid of losing it. I have enjoyed too much joy for a while, and I know that one day I will exceed the limit I can have. Because of Sister Min, the door of my house was locked at night, and my father was only allowed to open the door after getting up in the morning.Although it is aimed at Miss Min, the one who is really restricted is me.My father stipulated that during the summer vacation, I had to stay at home to do my homework and was not allowed to go out.Three meals a day are equivalent to roll call, and I can only slip away after my father goes to work.Usually we only travel around the suburbs of Taipei, but this time it will take at least a whole day to go to Keelung. We have to leave early in the morning before the gates are opened and come back late at night. The risk is too great. I don't remember who said it, anyway, I get beaten every day, so I'll play with him to have a good time, and at worst, I'll get beaten up.Although the words are reasonable, I always feel that it is not that simple, but I can't think of any worse consequences. With courage, we set out in the early morning and arrived at the Fairy Cave at noon.It is said that you can walk to Taipei from this cave, which is full of damp and dark winding tunnels.Everyone held torches, flickering bright and dim, one foot higher, one foot lower, one after another, bending over in a file.Walking around, everyone thought that the land above their heads should be Taipei. For me, no matter what I play, no matter where I am, as long as my little sister is by my side, as long as I can hear her laughter, I am satisfied.In the sun, I stepped on her figure; in the breeze, I smelled her fragrance; now in the dark, I pricked up my ears, listening to her light breathing.Occasionally, the fire flickered, and her black and white eyes sent thousands of silent cares.In an instant, my soul was about to fly. The sentiment that transcends physical feelings is unforgettable, and it will forever occupy the memory of youth.Of course, in the dark, I would have loved the chance to hold her little hand, maybe even hold her in my arms.But what's next?Too much joy, I can't bear it for a while, I would rather accept it bit by bit slowly.At this moment, I just held my breath and closed my heart tightly, fearing that abundant tears would burst out of my eyes. I deeply realized that this little bit of knowledge was completely born out of the painful baptism in the past.The external objective environment only serves as a catalyst. No matter how beautiful the scenery is, no matter how ideal the conditions are, they all need to be fermented in the heart.The main raw material for the fermentation is the experience of the self. The most wonderful thing about life is this fermenting process. Apart from the combination of chance, what reason can explain it?Of course, the feeling I get today may not be absolute happiness.But I am very contented. If I can get these, what more can I ask for?As long as there is no comparison, isn't what I get equivalent to absolute happiness? After dozens of colds and heats, until today, when I think about it, the feeling is still as warm as before.It's just that life is like a gurgling stream, its direction is unpredictable until it returns to the sea.For me, happiness is stored in the ocean in my heart. This is the most incomprehensible part of my life.In my mentality and behavior, there is more or less a tendency to prefer to keep some good memories, and sacrifice the real gains intentionally or unintentionally.I have repeatedly self-examined, is it because I am mentally abnormal?If judged by common sense, I cannot deny this.However, what is considered normal?It is beautiful when the flowers are swaying on the branches. Wouldn't it be even more beautiful if you could keep these impressions in your heart forever?Is it normal to have to break the branch and return it, put it on the desk, and then see the red patches? Therefore, my life is full of the fragrance of blooming flowers, and it is full of beautiful memories.These were once real, and they all happened to you and me.Instead of facing the withered branches and lamenting that the flowers have faded, why not recall the beauty of the branches in spring and the lotus hoe on the moon? Happiness is short, and it was past nine o'clock in the evening when we returned to Taipei.I knew that the time limit had come, so I asked my sister to go back to find out the limelight, while I hid outside the door and eavesdropped. As soon as the younger sister entered, she heard her father's roar: "Where's your brother?" The younger sister said honestly: He dare not come back. Tell him not to come back!From far away came the father's roar, like thunder: I don't want this son! I had no choice but to go back to Gong's house, find a bottle of rice wine in the kitchen, raise my head, pour it down my throat, and let the pungent pain flow all over my body. My father was still yelling and cursing, as if I had committed a heinous crime and would be willing to kill me if I committed a heinous crime.The brothers of the Gong family looked at each other in silence, while the younger sister stayed with me, weeping down the front of my clothes. After a while, the third child said: Today I really believe what you said, but I think you should explain to your father that we didn't do anything bad.Man can never understand what he has not experienced, let alone we are all children? After drinking, I became dizzy and more courageous.Thinking about what he said made sense, he wrote a letter, explaining that it was not a big mistake for him to go out to play, but because his father was usually too strict in discipline, so he dared not go home.They read it and thought it was reasonable.I sneaked back and asked Ah Xiang to forward the letter. Later, the alcoholism broke out, and I fell asleep lying on the sofa in Gong's house in a daze.When I woke up the next morning, recalling everything from last night, I still had lingering fears in my heart.At this time, everyone was still sleeping, and I was in a mess, so I went out.I wandered around aimlessly alone, and finally sat on a nearby field ridge for a while. When I got back to the vicinity of Gong's house, I saw my father's car parked in front of Gong's house.Knowing something was wrong, he quickly hid himself at the corner of the street.I saw my father standing outside the gate of the palace house, the door has not been opened yet.Uncle Gong and Aunt Gong were wearing pajamas, standing on the steps in the courtyard, across the door, patiently interceding for me.And every house in the alley is full of people's heads moving faintly, vying to see a good show. Both sides said their own words.In the end, the father ignored Uncle Gong's explanation and let go of his voice, as if to announce an important message to the whole world: I don't want this bastard son, if you like it, just take it! After speaking, he took a big stride, got into the car, and left. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't bear it, and I didn't dare to go to Gong's house again, what should I do?I had no idea, and wandered into the house in a daze, unknowingly. When Ah Xiang saw me, she handed me a letter on the table and said: This is from the master. My mind was blank, and I numbly opened it, only to see that it read: From today on, Zhu Huaibing does not admit that he has this son, and Zhu Bangfu does not have this father.Below is the father's signature and date. what happened?How can it be?Isn't the father-son relationship a matter of course?If yes, how can this relationship be denied with a man-made divorce letter? Since I was a child, I have never doubted my father's sovereignty over me. He beat me, scolded me, locked me up, and tied me up.In addition to lamenting my own fate, I think all of this is as it should be, and it is the only axiom in the universe. Now, this letter of divorce actually negates my basic beliefs.It turns out that the relationship between father and son is not absolute, and there is no invisible line connecting them, from the source of life to the descendants. So, what is the meaning of life?If my father has no absolute relationship with me, he can regard me as his son when he is happy, and he can declare that I am not his son when he is unhappy.That is to say, he has no absolute relationship and responsibility to me.He raised me just because he was happy, and he gave birth to me just to vent his flesh. My existence is not much different from the dogs at home.One day I will have a family and children, and it will be the same. If the father is like this, why not the mother?I remember that when I fled to Yichang, I got dysentery and fell ill.At that time, I was still young, living alone in a strange leather shoe store, no one took care of me, no one paid attention to me.And what about the mother?But she went to praise a red actress.When I eagerly found her and knelt down before my knees and wagged my tail to beg for mercy, she only asked: Are you good?One heart went back to the actress. It may seem like an insult to compare yourself to a house dog, but the analogy couldn't be more apt.If people only talk about feelings, without a rational connection, or a common cognition, people are sometimes inferior to dogs. I am the biological son born of my father and mother. What does this sentence mean?If you take this sentence alone, it is an absolute truth.Because no matter whether it is a human being or a dog, no matter what kind of living body it is, it must be born of him, her or its parents, otherwise there would be no life. For humans, however, it is not so simple.People's social behavior is too complicated, and they hope to achieve too many goals, and all of them are self-interested.From the standpoint of the parents, the children must conform to their interests, and the same is true from the standpoint of the children. This is an eternal law. For children, the interests are relatively clear, nothing more than survival, safety and future happiness.Since children have no ability to earn a living and must rely on their parents, the interests of the parents are also the interests of the children.This is a traditional Chinese social concept, which forms a family structure.Closely combine several individuals with the same interests into a basic social unit. Parents are rich in social experience, have many needs, their purpose is difficult to understand, and their interest centers are extremely complicated.But the time and space occupied by life is limited, and children can be regarded as an extension of oneself.With this mindset, children then become the heirs of their parents to extend their sphere of interests. Bisheng also represents a kind of privacy, and people are instinctively exclusive.Extended to the psychological, it becomes the exclusive desire.The stronger the desire for monopoly, the heavier the selfishness.The basic motivation for this kind of people to love their children or their parents is not the children or parents themselves, but the object belonging to themselves. There is a true story that happened in a hospital in the United States.Two pregnant women gave birth at the same time, each giving birth to a boy.Due to the momentary negligence of the staff, the two babies were dropped out of their bags. Ten years later, because of a physical examination, it was found that the sons of the two families did not match the blood types of their parents.After a thorough investigation, I finally recognized the cause of the error. At the beginning, the two families lived happily, and the two generations seemed to be related by blood, and there was never a trace of doubt.However, this new fact completely shattered the psychological embankment built by the two families over the past ten years. So this is not our own son! It turned out that they were not my biological parents! give birth to me, give birth to me?Raise me, I raise?Which one is more important?In this society that values ​​self-interest, everything is self-centered, and of course we must emphasize giving birth to me and giving birth to me.So there are all kinds of touching stories, emphasizing that they have gone through thousands of mountains and rivers and traveled long distances, just to find the flesh and blood that gave birth to me and my birth.Wouldn't it be a clear proof of selfishness to forget about the feelings of supporting me and me? At that time, I was completely influenced by the concept of my birth, and I always thought that my species was different.No matter how bad my father was to me, but to be such a high-ranking official and have such a lot of power, this is not bad.In addition, I also believe that this relationship between birth and self is unchangeable and inherent in life.No one can deny it, and it is impossible for any situation to change this fact.As for whether I like it or not, and whether my father is satisfied or not, these are just temporary episodes.I am sure this relationship will last to the end and will never change. Yeah? An invisible sword cut through the ties deeply rooted in his heart in an instant.Just because I went out secretly and played once, the relationship between father and son disappeared? isn't it? It turns out that life is just a game in pursuit of self-satisfaction. I am just me, and I have no responsibilities and obligations with my father, and it has nothing to do with others. People's cognition of everything is based on the background of past experience, forming a thinking mode, which is the so-called ideology.I was young at the time, and my ideology had not yet been finalized, but the roots had been deeply rooted. Now that the roots have been pulled out, what should I base my thinking on? People often think that brainwashing is an inhumane act, but they don’t know that in daily life, as long as they interact with people and spread information, they will inevitably be affected in their thoughts and habits. Isn’t that considered brainwashing?At this moment, I felt that this sudden event had washed away the ideology that had been washed out of my mind for many years, and it was washed clean in an instant.All values, ethics, and the foothold of self are gone.I became an empty body, without a principle of judgment, without a basis for discrimination, and I didn't even know who I was. This kind of psychological transformation is wonderful, but it is difficult to correct the concepts that have been cast in the mind for a long time.Everything around me was both familiar and unfamiliar. I mechanically picked up the small box that I had prepared for a long time and hid under the bed.It's time for me to go, but whose clothes are these?Do I have the right to take it away? I'm still wandering around, unsure of what to take with me.But I saw Uncle Cao running in angrily. As soon as he saw me, he said, "Bang Fu, what are you doing?" I said lightly: I'm leaving. Where to go?Why didn't I think of this question?Really, where to go?Do you really want to be like a wild dog, wandering the streets?Uncle Cao sighed and said: Don't talk nonsense, put the box down, and don't go anywhere. no.I don't know what to call my father now, so I hurriedly said: He said he is not my father Nonsense, nonsense, how can there be such a thing in the world?Heaven, earth, monarch, relatives, teachers, the five relationships in the world, from ancient times to the present, who can deny it?Uncle Cao taught me a serious lesson. I hurriedly took out the divorce letter: I didn't say it, it was written in this letter. Uncle Cao took the letter of divorce, put it in his pocket without even reading it, and said, "Come on, let's have a good talk." I reached out for the letter and said: Return the letter to me, it is my only evidence. To be honest, it was your dad who sent me here, and he knew he was doing something wrong.Think about it, your father is over 60 years old, and you are the only son in Taiwan. How could he really want to break away from the father-son relationship with you? But it was written very clearly in the letter that the relationship has been broken! Nonsense, nonsense, Uncle Cao kept shaking his head: Your father was confused for a while, how can you take it seriously? He never missed in his life, of course I believe. well!Your father has never frowned in his whole life, no matter how big or small it is.Think about it, for this letter, he called me and said he was wrong, can't you forgive him?He said with tears in his eyes. Indeed, if my father really thought he was wrong, there was really no reason for me to insist on going.But how could father be wrong?How do I know it's not Uncle Cao coaxing me? Well then, I'll go first, and I'll come back when he wants me back. Then why leave now?Your father will be back soon, at least it's not too late to leave after dinner. However, he has raised me for so long, I don't know if I can repay it, and I owe less if I can.As I said, the teardrops lost control and flowed down. Uncle Cao turned his head away, speechless for a while. I didn't go, my father came back. After everyone finished eating in silence, Uncle Cao pulled me into the room and said to me: Your father is outside, if you have anything to say, you can tell me, and I will tell your father, okay? I nodded and didn't speak, but he asked again: Do you have anything to say? what can I say?Want father to admit he was wrong?Want my father to keep me?Not only was it unnecessary, but I couldn't bear it either.I was even afraid of seeing his weak side, and would rather maintain a strong appearance for each other, pretending that the world is still the same. That said, do you have any conditions? condition?我真想不到還有條件可談。 是的，任何條件都可以。 我立刻想到應該趁這個機會改善家中惡劣的環境，根據童話故事，應該要有三個條件，而最後一個永遠是回復原狀。 我一邊還在思索，一邊就說：我有三個條件，第一是把家中上鎖的事取消 Ok, Ok.曹叔叔一口答應。 不，我還不知該怎麼稱呼，便向外面指指說：他得同意才行。 曹叔叔便走出去，一會兒回來說：你爸爸答應了。 我又想到今天早上父親去宮家大吵大罵的事，雖不敢期望父親去道歉，但我總要設法讓宮伯伯、伯母安心。便說：我要去向宮伯伯說，說他允許我常去玩。 父親也答應了，我想了又想，儘管還有一次寶貴的權利，但我實在想不起其他的條件。結果，我又成了我父親的兒子。 狂風駭浪過境，家中表面上似乎又恢復了正常，實際卻分裂成了幾個封建王朝。父親和阿香埋首在書房中，姐姐難得一見，妹妹也有她自己的天地。我則如同無根的浮萍，不知道明天會被風浪颳到哪裡。 每到吃飯的時候，幾個遊魂暫時聚集在四四方方的餐桌旁。除了碗筷的聲音外，那種寂靜好像是宇宙洪荒之始，連大地都不存在一般。沒有人說一句話，也沒有人看別人一眼。可能是彼此找不到交集，也可能是存心規避，深怕又引發了地震海嘯！ 這就是人生嗎？我不夠資格回答，是否世界上所有的家庭都是這樣呢？I don't know either.我心中只有一個想法，既然我是兒子，就應該盡兒子的本分。而我目前的本分，就是留在家中，不要使父親為難。 平安的日子，宛如步步荊棘。老實說，我寧願看到父親暴怒的神態，因為那是我從生下來所知道的父親本來的面目。而眼前一切都像是假的，在過分虛偽的掩飾下，人與人之間，隔著一道厚重的真空，連自己都開始懷疑起自己來。 這樣，一天一天，不知過了多久。只有一份麻木、空洞的感覺。同是一家人，彼此間卻維持著虛偽的生活，就好像是宇宙的終極。人人生存在自己的空間裡，生理的機能完全正常，心理上卻不啻一具木乃伊，停滯而枯槁。 在靜止的時空中，在極度窒息的氣氛下，我幾乎已經放棄了任何希望。那種感受就像是一個仲夏之夜，空氣濕熱而燠悶，一家人在院子裡乘涼。地還是燙的，椅子黏黏的，汗水如同泛濫的溪流，渾身滴竄，空中卻是一片死寂。 我老在想一件事，我到底欠了父親多少？吃的喝的應該可以算得出來。But what about life?算不算是虧欠他的？不過這不公平，並不是我要來的呀！他的目的不過是要傳宗接代罷了，那倒不難，給他生一個兒子就是。不過，我又怎能這樣做呢？我又怎麼能夠擔保，我的兒子有一天不會指著我，大聲責備：不是我要來的呀！ 人生有可為，有不可為，結婚生子對我是無比的夢魘。 低沉的氣壓揮之不去，我幾乎相信這就是永恒了。 直到有一天，父親的好友，故郵政局長許季珂先生，一大早來到我家。 他滿面秋霜地把我拉到一旁，氣憤地責備我：做人有做人基本的態度，不論你爸爸做得對不對，你一個小孩子家，怎麼可以在外面亂說？那怎麼可以四個字，說時又長又重，好像每個字都是用鐵錘在鐵砧上敲出來的。 What did I say?又是一個晴天霹靂，為什麼我從來不知道自己所做的事呢？幾天來，除了隔壁宮家，我特別去道歉，而且很識相的只去了一次外，其他哪裡都沒去，怎麼會又在無意中闖下大禍？ 他瞪著我，好像在搜索我靈魂的深處，臉色由緊而鬆，又由鬆而緊，變了多次。最後他想了想，緩緩地說你知不知道你爸爸跟阿香的事？ 爸爸跟阿香有什麼事？I am confused. you do not know?He glared at me. 我知道什麼嘛？他們怎麼了？我有點急了，關心的神色溢於言表，以為是他們這些天出了什麼事，卻瞞著我。 那麼許伯伯吞吞吐吐地說：你老實告訴我，你有沒有看到過 他似乎有口難言，好像面臨著莫大的困惑，又彷彿一座大山壓在他的心頭。每次欲言又止，又努力地搜竭枯腸，想找一句合適的話語，表達他的感受。他一再掙扎，失去了平日鎮定的神情，好不容易擠出一句話：阿香從房間出來？ 看阿香從房間出來？我更糊塗了，難道說我偷看阿香 我是說，你有沒有對任何人說，你在半夜三更我豎直了耳朵，一顆心飛跳著，我知道，這一定就是我苦難的泉源。 許伯伯一再努力，臉上急得發出紅光，最後，他終於大聲地說：看到阿香從你爸爸房間出來？ How can it be?我一上床就睡到天亮，雷都打不醒！這話是父親給我的評語，我只不過實話實說。 許伯伯鬆了一口氣，思索了半天，又嘆息了一陣，感傷地說：我怎麼會沒有想到呢？這些事情你還不懂，而且，那些在外面傳話的人，你一個也不認識，怎麼可能是你？ 我也猜到了一點，於是問道：許伯伯，是不是有人誣賴我，說我 是的，別人告訴你爸爸，說是你親眼看到的！昨天你爸爸很難過，到我家坐了會，談起這些事來，對你很不諒解！ No wonder!No wonder!幽默的造物啊！憑著什麼慧心巧思，用我的生命織成了這一件玄秘的公案？如果不是許伯伯這種君子，心懷正氣，手持寶劍，我的靈魂只怕永生被囚禁在地獄中不得超生！ 這些年來我所身受的委屈，都起因於父親的誤會。不論這件事是真是假，以中國人的傳統觀念，父子之間本來就沒有討論的餘地！他有權做他認為應該做的事，等到我成長了，有一天也會面臨我自己的選擇！ 父親無法向我辯解與阿香的事，又無法以之作為一種教導的題材，更不能不聞不問。由於這一口惡氣，便怎麼看我都不順眼。然而打了我以後，傳言更兇。惡性循環下，他更堅信是我蓄意報復。 天下本無事，庸人自擾之。真相既明，我不但不再自憐自艾，反倒可憐起父親來。他戎馬半生，為國為民，與家庭幸福一直無緣。娶了三妻四妾並不是他的錯，當時的社會本來就有這種習俗。今天父親是自由之身，阿香真的與他要好，我只有為他慶幸。 不知道許伯伯如何向父親解釋，事情已成過去，也沒有澄清的必要。至於是誰蓄意破壞我，也不相干了。我和父親之間的隔閡，是新舊兩代永遠無法避免的，就算沒有這件事，也還會有其他的事。畢竟這是個急劇變化的時代，新舊衝突隨時在發生，人與人之間的裂罅一天一天加大，早就難以彌補了。 我由衷地感激許伯伯賜給我這個機會，否則，這個懸案恐怕永遠難見天日了。值得欣慰的是，我能在這場苦難中堅強挺立，終於看清真相。這一切都是機緣，沒有人會傻得去自尋煩惱，悲劇也不可能無中生有。人性、社會、時代三者交互發展，每個人生存在其間，遭遇有幸有不幸。對我而言，我自認是幸運的。因為兒時的生機最旺，尚有足夠的時間自我調適。我已知道事情的真相，知道自己所作所為無愧於良心，這就夠了。 我終於發現了，一個人的經驗實在有限，除非有真正的智慧，否則遲早會像父親那樣，面臨一些沒有前例的難題。 驟雨過後，空氣流通了。只是，在經歷了這些大風大浪之後，我應該怎樣自處呢？