Chapter 6 Five, estrangement

youth, struggle, hospital, neighbors In high school, I was admitted to Provincial Chenggong Middle School. The campus is located in the downtown area of ​​Taipei. Four roads are close to the wall, and the inside of the wall is filled with three cup-shaped buildings. As soon as I enter the school gate, I feel out of breath. Come. As soon as you enter the gate, it is a two-story building, where the administrative department, junior high school, senior two and senior three are all located here.The building faces a row of bungalows across a small playground, and that bungalow is the classroom for our senior freshmen.There is also a row of old houses at the bottom on the right, dilapidated and inconspicuous, which are the offices of the library, sports department and other units.No matter the environment, campus or classrooms are far inferior to those of the attached high school, it makes people feel infinitely wronged and oppressed.

However, I have nothing to complain about, Chenggong Middle School is my third choice.With his own grades, he should be able to get into the provincial high school, and he should laugh. Sixteen years old is the troubled period of adolescence. The body is constantly growing, and the mind has to adapt to new changes anytime, anywhere.Intellect has just emerged from the corner of the wall, saying that he understands or not, but he is self-righteous.This is the period when people are most vulnerable and are most susceptible to external influences.Often because of a small accident, the direction of life is determined.

I have read Goethe's "The Troubles of Young Werther", although my troubles do not come from the opposite sex.That sense of helplessness is the same worry, hard to let go.Because the world of martial arts novels is too far away from real life, I successfully avoided the most difficult and dangerous part.As soon as he returned to the human world, he felt that an ominous storm was filling the house.To put it in a jargon, it seems to be a crisis-ridden situation, a scene of the end of the world. Changed a school, and in an unfamiliar environment, I felt even more frightened and didn't know how to adapt.These three years of high school were just about to enter my life, but it was the most difficult ebb in my life.Several times I prepared to run away from home, and several times, I planned to end my extra life.

Taiwan is located in the subtropical zone, and it is humid and rainy all year round. Under the shroud of low pressure, it often makes me breathless.I love the depression and desolation when the typhoon comes. Every time there is a flood, I will go to the police station and ask to join the ranks of disaster relief.Because I didn't have the courage to end myself with my own hands.Imagining that the flood is coming, and I go with the wave, it is extraordinarily chic. I have prepared a small box, and all my property is a uniform that I am reluctant to wear, and some tools that are regarded as treasures, but are actually broken copper.I thought that if I ran away, I could at least make a living from them, so when the time came, I went away.But I can't determine when is the right time. I know my father's influence in all walks of life, so I dare not run away during the day.Taiwan is in the period of martial law, and there is a curfew at night. Walking on the street may be escorted back by the police at any time.

One late night not long after school started, I thought the time was right to try it out.I want to keep walking until I reach the end of the earth, and if I encounter a cliff, I will just jump off it.Even if the sea is below, you can float away without regret. Carrying a small bag, I deliberately avoided the main entrance of the Songjiang Road Police Station and walked into an alley. After a few steps, a policeman appeared.He asked me: kid, where are you going? I was prepared in my heart, so I said: "It's too hot at home, go out for a walk." Where do you live? One hundred and twenty-five.

Ah, you are the secretary-general's son, it's getting late, you'd better go back early. I didn't answer, thinking to myself, maybe all the policemen in Taiwan know my father, and they all know that he has an unworthy son. It seems that I will never be able to escape his grasp in my life. how?He seems to understand my family's situation very well: has he been wronged again? I held back my tears, but he sighed and said: I really envy you, at least there is a place to eat, shelter from the wind and rain, and someone to read for you.When I was more than ten years old, because I couldn't stand my father's discipline, I ran to Peiping alone.well!I thought it would be easy to get food and clothing when I came out, but I didn't expect that I couldn't even beg for food.Later, I couldn't take it anymore, and when I wanted to go home, the Northeast had already been lost, so I had no choice but to become a soldier.So far, what hope do you think I have?It seems that he is more sad than I am, and I can't help but feel sorry for him.

How old were you when you left home?I'm a little curious. He thought for a while and said: Probably about your age. When I saw that there were still people in a similar situation to mine, I felt less hopeless.After chatting for a while, I felt that although I was in pain, compared with him, I was much happier, so I gave up and went home. Many years later, I chatted with my distant cousin Zhixue, who was a police officer, and talked about this past.I think that because I got the sympathy of the other party at that time, I got through the difficulty. He smiled and said, "You've been fooled. In our police education, there is a special method of attacking children who run away from home."Do you think it's such a coincidence that everyone is like you?Zhixue graduated from the Hubei Police Academy and seems to be used to such things.

I don't believe it, how can you be sure that he is not telling the truth? The area where you live is full of government officials, and the police are of course specially selected.According to what he told you, he left home in his teens, and he should only be in his twenties now.I know all the people in the Songjiang Police Station, at least in their early thirties. I still have an uncle in Taiwan, Wang Taiyan, who is my mother's youngest brother.Because I have been living in the country, I have no opportunity to receive education.When he first arrived in Taiwan, his mother begged his father to pick him up from his hometown in Jiangsu.After he came to Taiwan, his father thought that his uncle was too honest and illiterate, so he asked him to stay at home to study and drive for his father at the same time.Uncle didn't want to, he wanted to go out to learn a skill from a teacher, and later he became a great chef.Every year during Chinese New Year, he is the only one who gives me the biggest red envelope.

I often go to his restaurant to find him, of course, to satisfy my gluttony, my uncle will always cut me a plate of drunk chicken, and then listen to my complaints. Once, the family couldn't stay any longer, so I begged him to find me a small job.My uncle persuaded me again and again, telling me to read well first, otherwise I would be bullied in society for the rest of my life. Of course I can't listen to these words, just because of that big red envelope, I think my uncle is more arrogant than other relatives!My uncle couldn't agree with me, but finally agreed.Whenever I was wronged, I would go to my uncle's restaurant to have a meal of drunken chicken, and inquire about being a small worker by the way.My uncle always comforts me by saying that I will find it soon, and I will talk about it next time.

As a result of talking again and again, the crisis has passed, and the heart of being a small worker has gradually faded. Due to the psychological imbalance, I must find a channel to vent.Novels can no longer soothe my throbbing blood, and the strange new environment seems even more alienated.The most frightening thing is the ubiquitous vitality in the body, stimulating the nerves and forcing the limbs, which may burst out anytime and anywhere. I am used to depression, a large number of firefighters are busy every day pouring out the flames in my heart.The schoolwork is like a mountain of dry wood, and the teacher's teaching is like the foehn on the mountain.Not only did it not help me at all, but the wind fueled the fire. This barren mountain of mine endured all kinds of suffering day after day.

Due to the small size of the school, the playground is next to the classrooms, and the four basketball courts are located in the center of the heart.When I was in the attached middle school, I couldn't even reach the class team, I could only pick up the ball.Once, a few ignorant young men including me secretly signed up for a game held at the Tri-Service Stadium.There is no other purpose, just because there is no chance to officially play in school, not to mention that the Tri-Service Stadium is indoors, as long as I can shoot a basket in it, I feel that my life is worthwhile. I knew that I would lose badly, but I was very calm. After the lottery was drawn, the first opponent was the Wenshan Middle School team, the champion of the junior high school group in the previous session.In the end, I was the one who benefited the most, because I didn't regard going to the Tri-Service Stadium as a game at all, and I didn't bother to care about the sacredness of Wenshan Middle School.During the game, there were only six people on our team, and for the first time in my life, I played not only on a court with a floor for a full forty minutes.And there are actually serious referees, scorekeepers, and an overwhelming cheerleading team who sympathize with the weak. I managed to get a rubber basketball from a relative who worked in the joint logistics team. That ball has many advantages. It must be inflated before going to school every day.Not to mention, if you forget to take away the ball after playing, some classmates will automatically send it to me. With the ball, I changed seats near the back door with a classmate.As soon as the class bell rang, I lowered my head. Before the teacher walked out of the classroom, I slipped to the court like a light smoke and occupied the land first. In class, ten minutes is like a life sentence. On the court, ten minutes is faster than a sneeze.In order to vent my energy, I desperately grabbed the ball, and I would rather pass it to others, or even throw it randomly to the outside.Although I am not tall, but because I have practiced the kung fu of digging holes, I have made a name for myself with one trick of pulling green onions in dry land. The highlight was at noon. Thanks to the favorable location, I, a professional player, must have won the stadium, so the killing field started for more than an hour. In order to play basketball, all the free time is spent on the court, and lunch has become the biggest burden.Fortunately, there is no one to take care of them at home, so the bento (homemade lunch box) comes and goes, depending on the mood of the servant Ah Xiang and the leftovers from the previous day.I often cleaned up the leftovers on purpose, and the next day I had an excuse to ask Ah Xiang for food money. For two yuan a day, I could buy two pieces of bread. In fact, two loaves would not fit between the teeth of a growing young man.And I have never bought bread. Four popsicles are the real enjoyment, which not only saves precious time for eating, but also solves the problem of thirst. If it is a bento, it will be a headache.I always try to stuff those who don't know what they are eating into my stomach as quickly as possible during class, one bite at a time, sneakily.Fortunately, the students are gradually getting used to the smell of food in class, and because someone really needs to sacrifice, otherwise there will be no ball to play at noon, and the time will be hard to kill!It's just that there must be an effect if there is a cause, and the retribution will not come until the time is ripe.Later in Brazil, I had a gastric ulcer attack and almost lost my soul! Just playing ball is not enough. Although physical strength can be vented, it does not mean that mental strength will be balanced.Just at this time, the school newly established a brass band and recruited students from the first year of high school to participate in the practice.How can I be a posterity for such a thing?Although I have never touched any musical instrument, it was the ulterior motives anyway, and I didn't take it to heart at all. At that time, there were not many schools with bands, and as far as I can remember, there was only one school, the private Kainan Commercial and Industrial School.Even the attached middle school and Jianzhong are lacking, so everyone's knowledge of the band is very limited.One of the coaches that was brought in was from the Ministry of Defense military band, but he could only come in for an hour or two a month to say hello to the cows. When choosing a musical instrument, everyone has their own ambitions. The most sought-after is the small trumpet, but few can play it well.Then there is the clarinet, but everyone can make it howl like ghosts, but there are so many buttons on the tube, it is impossible to start like a caterpillar.Playing the drums is the easiest, and someone will be there first, and the sound of big and small beads is like thunder. I chose and chose, and found that the instrument was either occupied by someone, or I couldn't play it.When everyone had a partner, I was still there like a wandering spirit, wandering here and there, groping here and there. A classmate who is more experienced, he persuaded me to play with the baton, saying that being a conductor is the most airy.But I think it can not make noise, not fun. He said: Do you want to have fun?What addiction? I can't say it, I just feel that I have too much energy and can't sit still.He probably guessed my problem, so he pointed to a huge monster on the ground.That thing looked like a conch shell, with a large funnel about a square foot above it, and several coils of copper pipes winding below it, and it weighed at least a dozen kilograms. He said: This is called Losing Silly Crazy, it is the soul of the band.But the person who blows must have strength, otherwise during the parade, let alone blowing, just carrying it will kill the living! Therefore, I chose Lose Silly Crazy.She is about the same height as me, and with the shoulders on her shoulders, I seem to be half shorter. Losing Silly Crazy is easy to play, and it sounds like a cow when it is blown.It is a bit self-consoling to say that it is Niu Ming. According to the evaluation of the students, the correct way to say it should be the sound of an elephant farting. All in all, I'm very happy with this ten-kilo mate and regularly polish it to a golden gleam.During the early morning flag-raising ceremony, when the sun came out, the funnel reflected a dazzling golden halo.I especially like to see the virtue of people hiding under the halo. Raising soldiers for a thousand days is used for a while. Not long after we became an army, we are celebrating the Double Tenth National Day.That year coincided with the completion of the Zhongshan North Road Land Bridge, so the parade was expanded.The parade will go from the Presidential Palace to Zhongshan Hall, bypass the train station, go south to the land bridge, and then return to the square in front of the Presidential Palace. Because our school had a band, it became the leader of all middle schools in Taipei and was designated as the leader.This is simply a great honor!As we pumped up our air, we fantasized about the eyes of the whole world, all paying attention to us. To be honest, the scene was really shabby.Our band is just two trumpets, a tenor, a woofer, two trombones, plus a clarinet, bass drum, snare drum, and me towering over the top, stupid and crazy!Today, any funeral band in a small town in Taiwan would be ashamed to show up in this camp.However, people are more popular than others. It is said that the High School Affiliated to Normal University and Jianguo Middle School are following us, and they all feel ashamed! The price of vanity can only be realized by those who live in vanity.Before we first tried crying, we only knew two tunes.One is the national anthem, and the other is the flag-raising song. The so-called know-how means that the sound can be blown, and whether it is right or wrong depends on free self-evidence.The only thing that is guaranteed is the high-octave ornament when the clarinet loses control, and the rest when everyone is out of breath. You can't keep playing the national anthem during the parade!To practice march, how to practice?Where do you practice?For the little ones in Chenggong Middle School, even if they blow on the road, there will be no peace in the classroom.We were chased and cursed by our classmates, and we ran to every possible corner, but we still couldn't get a bosom friend.Later, we marched to the big playground of National Taiwan University Law School across the street.Unexpectedly, even such a high-level institution can't learn about our music, and the scolding is even louder. As a last resort, we have no choice but to play the flag-raising song to respond.It just so happened that the bloody battle on Liuzhou Island was being staged at that time, and there was an anchor-weaving song of the US Navy, which everyone could catch on.What else do you want to practice?All the horns are united, compose a tune together, and it will be done with one blow!So we have a third song, a self-created fluffing song. On the day of the parade, everyone anchored for more than three hours, from breaking the anchor through fluffing to abandoning the anchor.The conductor is very serious, insisting that as long as there are people on the side of the road, we have to brag for their appreciation.Since I have never practiced hard, my mouth is still very tender, and I can't hear the echo in an open place, so I don't know where the horn is going, so I have to blow it hard.In less than a while, everyone's lips were torn and blood was dripping.However, the conductor's hands were not sore yet, and he continued to move forward bravely, unable to see what was behind him, and just kept waving the baton.For the sake of face, sporadic whimpers came and went. My mouth is pretty tough, and I just need to blow my breath to lose a fool. Anyway, the road is noisy enough, who cares if there is an old cow whining?However, I discovered a law of physics: the weight on the shoulders is proportional to the square of the distance.In the end, I couldn't blow at all, I just hobbled while holding the precious baby. The price of this glory was that my shoulders ached whenever I heard the parade afterwards. My real suffering began in the third year of junior high school, when Uncle Cao left and Sister Min took over all the power in the family.In order to find a maid, she worked hard, three days or two days, one came and another.If it is not clean, she thinks it is dirty; if it is too smart, she thinks it is a thief; if it is not good-looking, she says it is ugly; if it is beautiful, she says it will cause trouble.In short, all of them were not as she wished. Finally, a girl named Ah Xiang came, who was about the same age as Sister Min.She is very good at observing facial expressions, and she can see at a glance that it is sister Min who is in charge of the family.Without much effort, Sister Min was satisfied and hired her immediately.Ah Xiang followed Sister Min all day long, no matter how big or small it was, she could handle it properly. Not long after, Ah Xiang found out the details of our family. She ran in and out diligently, pouring tea and water for her father.There is no need to order all kinds of trivial matters a second time, and they are arranged properly one by one.Father has been unattended for many years, and even when mother was alive, she was not as considerate as Ah Xiang.Father's mood improved because of this, and a rare smile appeared on his face. Just like the sun rising from the dense clouds in the harsh winter, the family is peaceful.Even I, who was like a mouse, dared to drill out of the hole occasionally to carefully observe the changes in the weather. I don't know if it's because I'm not used to it, or because of my unique sixth sense. I smell the breath before the storm and see the surging dark waves under the peaceful appearance. My father found out that Axiang was illiterate, so he began to teach her every day. The carefulness and gentleness were completely different from the resolute and serious image I had known in my life.Ah Xiang also cherished this belated opportunity, and almost forgot to eat and sleep to study hard. Gradually, Sister Min realized that the situation was out of control, and began to complain in front of her father that Ah Xiang had not fulfilled her duty, and her father just laughed it off every time.Sister Ruo Min hints that Ah Xiang will be fired, and her father understands the righteousness and tells her to be sympathetic.As a result, the conflict between Sister Min and Ah Xiang became superficial, and they often quarreled over trivial matters.Ah Xiang was patient at first, and then her father intervened, accusing Sister Min of being capricious and acting recklessly. Finally one day, the two fought and bruised each other. As soon as my father came home from get off work, Sister Min was screaming in the room, crying and complaining that her mother was not around, and even the servants came to bully her.On the other hand, Ah Xiang was tearful, spoke softly, resigned to her father with endless grievances, and asked to return home. There was a lot of fun, and my father became furious all of a sudden, and the sound shook the roof tiles, making all chickens and dogs frightened.But immediately, with a pleasing face and a gentle voice, he persuaded A Xiang with kind words.I hid on the sidelines and watched, and my eyes were wide open. Only then did I know that there is such a thing as dual personality in the world.As a result, her father not only kept Ah Xiang, but also raised her salary. Only then did Sister Min realize that the situation was over. One day, I was playing in front of the garage door, when a wretched, short man suddenly appeared in front of me, and he said he wanted to find Wei Guixiang. I said intuitively: There is no such person in my family. After hesitating for a while, he took out an envelope from his pocket and handed it to me.The place where the letter was sent was actually my home address, so I took out the pink letter paper.I remember that sister Min also has them, and she likes to show them off the most.Only a not-so-realistic turtle was drawn on the letter paper. I guessed what was going on, so I asked him: Are you looking for Axiang? He nodded, so I went into the room and found Ah Xiang. When Ah Xiang saw him, she almost froze. I don't know what they said. At night, my father's eyes were red and he didn't make a sound.Ah Xiang finished her service, packed her luggage, and left quietly. Sister Min's expected victory did not come, and everyone in the family seemed to have become a thorn in his father's side, scolding everyone they saw.Even the younger sister, who had never heard a word of serious words, was scolded and cried. Sister Min was happy, pouring tea and water for her father, cleaning the windows and floors on her own initiative, and taking care of all the housework for the first time.Father felt that the tea was too cold for a while, and scolded the water for being too hot for a while. In short, nothing was satisfactory. For me, these are small scenes, the stick is not on me, and the scolding is not a big deal.However, Sister Min has never been so angry in her life, and often secretly weeps behind people's backs. This kind of hell-like life has only been more than half a month, and my father's scolding voice has become hoarse, and sister Min's face has also lost weight.I carefully hid in the air-raid shelter, pricked up my ears, and dared not even breathe out. Suddenly one day, when Ah Xiang came back, it was actually Sister Min who went to meet her in person.Ah Xiang gave sister Min a set of cosmetics and father a hand-woven embroidered pillow.The family returned to calm, her father stopped swearing at others, and Ah Xiang didn't pretend to be polite to anyone except her father. To be honest, I have no ill feeling towards Ah Xiang, and I even hope that she will stay in my house forever and help me defuse the ruthless storm.Only when Ah Xiang is around, I can ask her to buy new shoes and clothes.If something goes wrong, you can also ask her to intercede on your behalf. I often hear her sticky and gentle voice: Master!kids Father snorted, laughter came, and the rain was over and the sky was blue. This time when Ah Xiang came back, there was an additional condition that she could only work five days a week.That is, there were two nights when she had to go home with her husband.Whenever she goes home, she will carefully arrange a game of cards, and then order me to pour tea and water, clean up the tables and chairs and other aftermath matters. There are so-called taps in playing cards, ranging from 30 to 50 yuan each time.Ah Xiang came the next day, and I gave her the money again.So and so, and so on because of this, life is still said to be peaceful. One day, on a whim, I thought that the first money should be given to those who work hard to serve others.Since it's me who works, why shouldn't I have it?I have a faint feeling that this kind of theory won't work in my family, but looking at the forty yuan in my hand, I can't resist the temptation.Maybe my father won't know, at least, I withheld half of it, it's hard to find out. I only gave Axiang twenty yuan. After a while, my father beat me up without saying a word. I knew it was for money, so I boldly said: This is my hard-working money, why can't I take it? You should work, I raised you so much, and you are not willing to do something?Dad hit me again. Ah Xiang came over and pulled her father away, saying: Master, don't be angry, twenty yuan is nothing! What kind of?At such a young age, let him develop the habit of exploiting others, will he still have it when he grows up?This is a matter of morality and personality, and has nothing to do with money!Get me the money now. This kind of value is the standard for doing things in traditional Chinese society. I know what my father said is reasonable, but I have never had pocket money. I have made dozens of plans that are difficult to choose from for the twenty yuan. Bite the bullet, I said: I spent the money. Damn!You don’t have to worry about food and clothing, so what money do you need? When I heard this sentence, I felt extremely wronged.I took off my shirt, gave it to my father, and said, "My clothes are so torn, I'm no better than a beggar. My classmates laughed at me for having no father or mother." There were countless holes in the clothes, which were all sewn up with wire.The iron wire rusted when exposed to water, and the dark red spots on the clothes, like autumn maple leaves, floated all over the ground. When my father saw it, he was even more angry: Why didn't you say it?I am not your stepfather. Why didn't I say it?Every time you talk about it, you always scold me for not taking care of clothes yes!Look at my clothes, I have worn them for several years, which one looks like yours?If you don't cherish it, it's useless to buy you an iron one. I took the opportunity to take off the glasses again. Except for the glass pieces, my glasses were intact, and the frame was wrapped with thin wire, and the temples were replaced with thick wire.My father added fuel to the fire and was still waiting to scold. Ah Xiang's eyes were red, she said: This is all my fault, I have never noticed that the young master is dressed like this.Master, don't be angry, let me find a way. It was the summer vacation before the high school entrance examination, and there was no need to wear a uniform.She got some relief from somewhere, and managed to throw my armor in the trash. Not long after entering high school, one day when my father came home with a livid face, I went to change his slippers and carry his purse as usual.My father ignored me, rushed into the house, and talked with Ah Xiang for a while.After he came out, he beat me up hard without asking any indiscriminate words, and I didn't know why.I still hoped that Axiang would come to rescue him, but Axiang was still in the room and did not come out. After the fight, my father didn't teach me a lesson and left. The next day when I was doing my homework, my father came to beat me up again and said, "You bitch, pretend to show me your homework!"Kill you. For several months, my father scolded me when he saw me, and if I opened my mouth, it would immediately rain down my fists.Anything can constitute a reason, even no reason is needed, just like facing the Tai Sui, everything is unlucky.Beatings and scolding aside, there was still a look of hatred in my father's eyes, as if I was a heinous criminal, which made people tremble. The ancients once said: If you want to commit a crime, why is there no reason for it?But there must always be a reason. For example, I did something so bad that my father hated him so much that he didn't even bother to explain it to me.What could be so serious?What bad thing can I do?It's really puzzling. The bad thing is that my father doesn't talk, and I can't ask, I don't know what I don't know.It is very possible that I did something, but I didn't know it was wrong, let alone that the consequences were so serious, what should I do? I lived in fear all day long, and I was terrified of everything.I wasn't afraid of being beaten. Being beaten was actually a good opportunity for me to practice Qigong. On the contrary, my body became stronger and stronger, and my bones were extremely hard.But my father's expression made me feel that I was the most unforgivable villain in the world and deserved to die. The more he kept silent, the more disturbed I was. One day, my father told me that something happened at home and told me to ask for leave at noon to go home. When I got home, Zhixue was already sitting in the living room.Everyone finished their lunch quietly, looking like the rain was about to come. Sure enough, the wind picked up.After eating, my father suddenly said to Zhixue: You take him there! where to goI couldn't help but ask. where to gogo to the hospital!Father said angrily. What are you going to the hospital for?I'm like a monk Zhang Er, I can't figure it out. What are you doing?see a doctor! What disease?The more I got confused, the more I knew I was going to be scolded, but I couldn't help but ask. What disease?Neuropathy! Are you calling me crazy?Or do I have a mental illness? Neuropathy? Neuropathy!Father answered firmly. I am not crazy!Only then did I understand what my father meant. It is because you have a neurosis, so you don't know that you have a neurosis. What can i say?That's it, I finally understand!I was beaten every day because I was insane!But, am I insane?I really can't say, maybe I'm really crazy and I don't know it!Filled with annoyance, I followed Zhizhi to the National Taiwan University Hospital in silence. At that time, the scale of National Taiwan University Hospital was far smaller than it is today. Once you enter the gate, there are only two registration offices on the left and right.The bright lights on the left are general outpatient clinics, with two or three windows, and many people are queuing.The right side is deserted and dark, with only one small window.Someone registered in front, so we queued behind him. Zhixue has a lot of contacts and many friends.Coincidentally, at this time a couple came across and greeted Zhixue affectionately when they saw Zhixue.Then he asked with concern: What's the matter?To see a doctor? Zhixue smiled wryly, and said: It's not me, it's my relative. The enthusiastic wife took a look at me and said: He is in good health, what is the disease? Zhixue was at a loss for words for a while, so he hurriedly looked at the sign at the registration window, and I followed suit.It reads: Anthropology, Leprosy, Psychiatry. Zhixue had no choice but to say: this psychiatric department I really hated the lady's long-windedness, so I squinted my eyes and looked straight at her.She was probably frightened by my symptoms of mental illness, and hurriedly dragged her ignorant gentleman who wanted to ask more questions, and turned around to leave. The psychiatric department is in the basement on the right, dark and damp, and all the people waiting to see the doctor are strange and weird, some are dancing; some are muttering to the sky; terrible.Stones from other mountains can make mistakes, and I can't help but wonder if I am the same in the eyes of others. Indeed, if a person suffers from neurosis, he probably does not know that he is neurotic.I slipped into the toilet, faced the mirror, and checked myself thoroughly.On the surface, I am not at all like those patients in the outpatient room, but when I imitate those weird faces, I can't help but wonder, how different is there between me and them? Although Zhixue was by my side, I dared not ask him.He just came here on orders, can he tell who is crazy?Having said that, if I was really crazy, maybe I wouldn’t have to go to school, and my father would forgive my crazy son, treat me better, and maybe get less beatings and scolding. In my wild thoughts, a young doctor called me to a small room. He took a book full of various ink and wash paintings without rules, and asked me to tell what I saw.I looked at it for a long time, but it was just a ball of ink, nothing like it.But the doctor insisted that I tell it, even if it was nonsense. I felt that the world was crazy. My father insisted that I was insane, and usually beat and scolded me for no reason.Now I meet this doctor who gave me this weird book and forced me to talk nonsense, who is insane? Think again, didn't you think clearly just now?What about neurosis?To be a human being to this point, life is better than death, what is there to argue about?Since you want me to talk nonsense, great, let me tell you nonsense! I didn't even look at the pictures, I just said whatever came to my mind, and I said a lot and quickly.I just feel sorry for that young doctor, who was so fast with his pen that he didn't even have time to copy. He kept telling me to speak slowly, for fear of missing important clues! When I finished, I was relieved, and I began to believe that I was indeed a little nervous.Later, another room was changed, and an elderly doctor sat behind a lamp and pointed the lamp at me.The light was shining straight into my eyes, I couldn't see him at all, it was like looking at a wall of light, and it made me uneasy. I just heard him ask: Do you know why you came here? His question was like a knife stabbing into the depths of my soul, so naked and ruthless.The camouflage mask is just a paper-thin self-comfort, even if you are careful not to touch it, it can't be guaranteed to last for a long time.After such a poke from him, I couldn't control it anymore, and burst into tears immediately. In one breath, like the Yangtze River with its embankment broken, I poured out what I saw and knew at home, including my mother's death, sister Min's domineering, Axiang's legend, and my experience at school, etc., pouring out like a flood come out.That light wall seems to be a white light carpet, quietly carrying me through the narrow door of time, back to the past.I bravely uncovered the dusty sores, unfolded them one by one, and cleaned them thoroughly. After my mind went blank and I had nothing to say, I asked: Doctor, am I really mentally ill? The doctor said calmly: Your father is only mentally ill! Suffering and happiness are originally subjective cognitions of individuals. What is painful to some people may be a source of happiness to another.In fact, people's experience of one thing is often mixed with bitterness and joy, and the two cannot exist independently.Unfavorable stimuli cause the natural repulsion of the body and mind, and this feeling is pain, which people seek to avoid.When the physical and mental pain is relieved, the psychological impact changes from one negative end to the other beneficial end, which is happiness. From a philosophical and psychological point of view, the relief of pain is happiness.That is to say, pain and happiness are two sides of one body, causing each other.And just like the reaction force, the two directions are opposite and the strength is equal.The deeper the pain, the more intense the feeling of pleasure when it is relieved.It's just that some pain has been accumulated for a long time, and the feeling has been paralyzed. It has become a part of life for a long time, and people often have no way to understand the nature of the pain. I have been buried in the shadow of family misfortune for many years, and I am used to that unchanging pattern, and I have long lost the instinct of discrimination.Everything around me and the real life seem to be separated by a thick layer of fog, and I can't feel a clear ridge line in a trance.Fortunately, I have been baptized by the landlord of Huanzhu, and I have endless fantasies, so I can easily escape to a foreign land of nothingness. This is the first time in my life that I have discovered that my fragile heart is firmly closed in the cold and cold dark room in the past.When I saw a helpless figure in my bitter memory, suffering indescribable torture under the heavy pressure of the environment, it was more appropriate to say that it was panic rather than grief. I like reading novels, especially lingering tragedies.Because intuitively, I didn't suffer from it, but I integrated the plot of the story with my own experience.What I feel is what I am familiar with, which is incomparably real; but what I accept from novels and stories is a life with changes, twists and turns, and colorful life.In this way, it not only arouses the emotions of the self, but also beautifies the feelings of the individual, so there is a feeling of intoxication. In this confession, I am the protagonist of the story, but also a bystander.Every detail that has been frozen for many years and was not dared to touch in the past is vividly flying in another time and space!After I finished talking, it was like reading a novel.The passionate reaction that should have been reduced to ashes, so I can calmly explore the truth in my heart. What frightens me is that after reading so many novels, it is hard to believe that I am also in the living family tragedy!The past has passed, I can live to this day, why can't I face tomorrow?The doctor confirmed that everything is normal for me, and I should live normally. When I was freed from the shackles, I gradually felt a trickling spring of happiness flowing through my veins from nothing.It was a terrible feeling, and it made me aware of the pain of my past life, and I often tried to escape the torture of the memory.Of course, this is impossible.My fear of my father has become an instinctive reaction, and even the slightest thought of disrespect in my heart will be surrounded by my conscience. On the other hand, due to the accumulation of endless pain, any small gains during my teenage years can bring supreme shock and comfort to my soul.就像個飢渴不堪的流浪漢，不論什麼食物，只要進入口中，都覺得鮮美異常。 左鄰宮家有十個孩子，最大的兒子滯留大陸。老二比我大三歲，老三與我同年，老四稍小，四個都是男孩子。再下去約每隔一年一個，第五和第六位是女孩，下面還有二男二女。妙的是他們從老三以下，二男二女，梅花間竹，對稱工整。而且一個面貌酷似母親，另一個則具有父親的輪廓。 孩子多，聲勢自然就浩大，我們住的宿舍是木造的平房，連院落約有一百坪。地方雖然不很大，可是一到晚上，只要家長不在，電燈一關，室內加上室外，就捉起迷藏來。十幾個小蘿葡頭，往往吵得天翻地覆，那股興奮刺激的活潑勁，真能令佛跳牆！ 然而家家有本難唸的經，他家的問題是婆媳不和。婆婆認為經過多年的煎熬，好不容易熬成婆，理當手操家中生殺大權。而做媳婦的受了新時代的洗禮，憧憬著幸福的新式家庭，也沒有理由放棄任何屬於自己的權利。 這場兩代爭奪權利的戰爭，由大陸延伸到台灣，越演越烈，終至水火不容。宮伯伯是個孝子，起初一直保持中立，避免介入。但這事鬧得太久了，最後，不由自主地，他也捲進了這場風暴。他一面勸老人家慈祥謙和些，不必爭權攬勢；另一方面又強力壓制妻子，希望能遵守三從四德。 宮伯伯是遼寧籍旗人，身材削長，面容清秀，年輕時有美男子之稱。他說話慢條斯理，冷靜從容，從來不疾聲厲色，與我父親完全是兩種典型。宮伯母是江南人，年輕時也曾傾倒不少眾生。做了十個兒女的母親後，身材已是臃腫不堪，脾氣也暴躁非凡。尤其是她的嗓門奇銳，叫罵之聲能使風雲變色。 那種家庭悲劇著實令人難忘，對我而言又是另一種體驗，在不同的屋頂下，縕釀著不同的問題。我原是羨慕他們家中歡樂的氣氛而來，也曾試著把滿腔的煩惱宣洩在歡笑中。然而現實永遠是現實，不論人躲到哪裡，都躲不過殘酷的現實。 經常，正當我們在玩耍或者討論功課、作業的時候，就會聽到宮伯母一聲暴喝、宮老太一陣嘶吼。餘音還在耳中，大家的臉色就像掉落在地上的酒瓶，碎片和著水酒，飛濺四散，一個一個無助地，就此凝固在那一剎。 我很喜愛透明的物體，喜歡那種光色的流動，似是永恒而又變化無常。肥皂泡很能代表歡樂，不論我們多麼努力的吹，也不論肥皂泡有多大，彩色有多鮮艷，它總是在飄逸絢爛、令人陶醉的當兒，突然之間，破掉了。 大概正因為這種不確定的感受，使我更能珍惜在宮家所得到的歡樂。愛屋及烏，他們家庭的遭遇，也就成為我心靈負擔的一部分。 我很能體會宮伯伯的心情，矛盾痛苦成為他難以啟口的包袱。再加上來台灣以後，事業很不順心（記得他曾經出面檢舉一位表面德高望重，實際上卻貪瀆枉法的長官。但在權臣當道，官官相護的白色時代，他反而成了代罪羔羊）。在多方面的折磨下，我所見到的宮伯伯，已經是位沉默寡言，滿腹心思的憔悴長者了。 宮老太還有一個女兒，也住在台北，本來議定與宮伯伯輪流，各奉養半年。但為了老太太，女兒的家庭也失和，鬧得幾乎要離婚，所以不得不把責任推到做兒子的身上來。 宮老太當時已年逾七十，身體健朗，耳聰目明，牙齒居然連一顆都沒有鬆脫。她床下藏了不少零食，在幾十隻鼠視耽耽的小眼睛下，她抱著眾樂樂，不如獨樂樂的矜持，我從來沒見她給小孫子們分享過一點一滴。她經常裝得老態龍鐘，穿著破爛，到處陳訴兒子女兒的不孝，以爭取街坊鄰里的同情。 最初這種訴求相當有效，也給宮家帶來不少困擾。可是，日子一久，大家看透了宮老太太的為人，避之唯恐不及。最後，宮老太連聊天的對象都找不到了。有一次宮老太為了抗議大家對她不尊敬，在台灣街頭運動還沒興起之前，她口中還嗑著瓜子，人就大剌剌地橫睡在馬路中央，一時交通阻絕，人人為之側目。 父親常常拿他們一家的事跡，做為機會教育的活例。認定他們倫常敗壞、德行斲喪。既然不幸為鄰，唯有保持距離，以免受到污染，更嚴禁我們與宮家來往。 不幸的是隔壁隨風傳來陣陣孩子們的歡笑聲，絲絲扣著心脈，我越想壓制，對那些聲浪越是敏感。終於，有一天，顧不得可能發生的後果，我跨越了意識型態的屏障，投奔自由，加入了他們的陣營。 雖然只是一牆之隔，氣氛卻有天壤之別，我家總是陰沉沉地，沒有什麼聲音。每個人都與其他人保持著相當的距離，小心翼翼地，力求避免觸及尚未癒合的創口。宮家則是嘰嘰喳喳的，大的叫，小的鬧，從無寧時。兄弟姐妹之間，經常為了些無關緊要的小事，爭得面紅耳赤。可是一轉身，一切又忘到九霄雲外。 這是一種嶄新的體驗，對我日後發展人性理論，有很大的助益。因為人的認知都來自經驗，而人生苦短，絕無可能遍閱各種人際關係。經歷不足認識就不全，若連人生都認識不全，從何而知人性？ 在理論上，人性不過是人對外在事物的反應作用。設若人能經歷到事物的極端現象，就可以推測出人性的正常反應。在我家，人與人之間的磨擦，必然會導致災難。宮家則剛剛相反，他們從小到大，彼此之間爭執不斷，反而能維繫親密的感情。數十年後，我家裡的姐妹親戚，幾乎是個個老死不相往來。他們卻兄弟姐妹團聚一起，成了一個小社會。 我家兄妹，各謀其是，獨立無援，各自朝向學術、事業發展。而宮家比較重視親情，互相依靠，互相協助，大家吵吵鬧鬧如故，彼此之間的利害關係卻也越綁越緊。 當然，我那時還沒有這些認識，祇是羨慕混合著難言的懊惱與無奈。我謹慎地生活在這兩種極端的天地裡，由於早年養成了觀察的習慣，便不然而然地開始思索。為什麼世界這樣不公？為什麼人與人的遭遇是這樣的懸殊？為什麼我會痛苦？為什麼別人也會痛苦？為什麼歡樂的時光總是那樣短暫？ 從根本上說來，歡樂幸福是人人所追求的目標，得到了，心理滿足了，就不再奮鬥追求。在另一方面來看，歡樂幸福僅是一種主觀的感受。感受之時，心智活動暫時終止了，坐視時光流逝，再等待下一刻的來臨。 宇宙不停的進化，環境也不停的改變。人的一生處在這無常的世界裡，年輕時的身心結構，最適合學習、適應。如果在這段時間裡，自我得到了滿足，心智活動一停止，也就失去了人一生中最佳的學習良機。 環境是人身處的時空與訊息，刺激則是內在及外在的各種主觀客觀的變化。在客觀環境的刺激與自我經驗交互作用下，漸漸形成了主觀對客觀的認知，並影響了自我心理的韌度。在人的學習、適應時期中，若客觀環境的變化越大，人的韌性就越強。這情形有如冶金煉鋼，不經過高溫加壓、千錘百煉，就得不到精品。 環境的變化無盡，人對變化的選擇卻有限，兩者之交集，就是所謂的機運。變化程度與人心韌性的乘積，等於機運的絕對值。絕對值高者，表示人的應變能力強，在社會上將有更多成功的機會。 中國人很相信機運，卻不知道人心韌性操之在己。人固然無法改變環境，但是只要願意，卻很容易適應環境。在痛苦中成長的人，知道如何調適自我心態。反倒是年輕時享受快樂幸福的人，認定了快樂幸福是理之當然，心態逐漸定型，面對未來萬變的世事，其適應能力必然有所不足。 在青少年時期，人的生理心理正在發展，對快樂的認知以及對痛苦所能忍受的極限，一切根據其本身的經驗而定。所以，成長在幸福環境中的人，一旦遭到社會的壓力，往往容易崩潰。反之，早年經歷的苦難越多，往後心理上越容易獲得滿足。 說得更具體一點，年輕時所認知的快樂與痛苦，與成長後的感受未必相同。以我自己為例，我很慶幸得以早日經歷到人間的酸、甜、苦、辣，儘管當年的煎熬，我幾乎難以度過。但日子一久，就認定世事應該如是。再有機會換個環境，與他人相比，才發現自己更能領略幸福的滋味。心理有了安慰後，韌性一天比一天堅強。到最後面對真實的人世時，已經有了充分的認識和準備，故能應付裕如。 既然人的成長完全根據環境的發展而定，人所積累的經驗，只是因應環境的結果。那麼，在人類還不能絕對的控制環境之前，我們怎能期望有一種理想的教育方式？為了避免受苦，把兒童保護在人為的溫室中，結果必將使之失去心理建設的機會。又如何能期望兒童在成長以後，能適應現實的社會呢？