Chapter 9 Eight, the winter solstice

university, campus, warmth, awakening Apart from lamenting the loss of the opportunity to ride a horse, I never thought of any difference between Taichung Agricultural College and National Taiwan University.Anyway, I've already made up my mind, after these four years, I won't take the exam again.Since the aunt in the harem thinks that I am worthless, she doesn't approve of my younger sister's association with me. The relationship between my little sister and I has always been in a semi-public state.Since I was studying in Taichung, I could only find a reason to sneak into the new store during the winter and summer vacations to get a little bit of her youthful atmosphere.But every time we meet, I feel that she is a little different from before.She has become more lively and bright, and her friendships have expanded day by day.Although she is as cute and stubborn as before, she is no longer the little girl in my impression.

I have a hunch that under various subjective and objective circumstances, the possibility of wanting to stay with her forever is very small.However, in my limited experience, she occupies almost all good memories.As long as it is a source of joy, there is her shadow.There was a time when I even judged the aesthetics of a movie star on the basis of how similar I was to her. I tried my best to seal my heart tightly, thinking about her day and night, purifying and beautifying her, and never took a second look at any opposite sex.Even if she deserts me, I still have her, at least in the hallowed temples I have built of hopes and fantasies, and she will always be mine.

After the semester started, I lived in the student dormitory of the Agricultural College.In fact, we live in a storage room, because there are not enough dormitories on campus, and freshmen are not allowed to live on campus.But in Chinese society, there are always exceptions, and human relationships can never be separated.So the eight of us freshmen, relying on our special relationship, squeezed into this small, wet and privileged storage room with no windows and the bathroom as the partition wall. There are just four double beds in the room, and there is limited space to turn around.In fact, there is no advantage in living in a dormitory, and it is far less comfortable than renting a house near the school.However, the parents have different ideas, some are for saving money, some are for convenience, and I am because my father confessed that the school should be strictly disciplined.

There are three people in the agronomy department in the same dormitory, besides me, there is also a teacher.He is slender, alone in Taiwan, and once worked as a primary school teacher.He relied on part-time work and part-time study, and tutored students for a living, and was introduced by the Disaster Relief Association.The other is Fatty. Whenever he is in the room, the space seems surprisingly narrow.He has the tolerance of Amitabha Buddha, has a very good temper, has a smile on his face all day long, and everything is good!good! The other is from the Department of Horticulture, who is thin and small.Because the yin and yang were weak in their class, the girls chose him as the monitor, so he was nicknamed the little monitor.Also, there's a rich man; an Einstein; and a sophomore who's somehow reduced to a closet.He has thin skin and tender flesh, and looks very handsome. In addition, he loves to dress up and speaks softly. Everyone calls him little sister.

During the freshman training, the instructor saw the fat man with an extraordinary figure, so he called him the star officer.The times make a hero, and everyone looks at him with admiration, even the members of the storage room.I suddenly realized that the so-called university is nothing more than that. Just by gaining a little weight, you can look down on the wind and cloud and become the limelight, and the rest can be imagined. However, before the formal class begins, it turns out that college is somewhat different from middle school.Representatives of various associations came to the storage room one after another and pulled us into the association.In fact, when I was in Chenggong Middle School, I registered the first club in the school, named Fenghai Society, whose purpose was to publish publications.After a few issues were released, it became unsustainable, and finally it fell through.

Now that I'm in college, I'm not a kid anymore.In order to show my loftiness, I don't like to engage in activities, and I hate listening to slogans, so I refuse all of them, and I don't join any clubs. One night, the class leader asked us if we wanted free snacks.I know that grabbing people's hands is short and eating people's mouth is soft, so I don't want to go.But the teacher, Big Fatty, and the little sister kept booing, and promised that there would be no sequelae in college.I was indeed a little greedy, so I didn't eat for nothing, so I went with everyone.

As I expected, the senior students took turns to speak on stage one by one.There was chaos in the audience, anyway, everyone said their own things, and no one paid attention to what others were saying. As for the free snacks, they are all peanuts and melon seeds, which are too much to eat all at once.When it was too annoying to hear, we took advantage of being together and having a lot of fun, so we threw peanuts around and started a peanut war. After finally surviving wave after wave of fatigue bombing, I vowed never to be greedy for this kind of food again.Thankfully, the venue finally ended. When we were about to walk, a senior classmate stopped us and said: You are going to hold a secretary meeting, so you can’t leave now.

What board of directors?We are baffled. You have all been selected as new officers, don't you know? We looked at each other, each silent. We are not members, we just come here for free.I just have to be honest. After entering this door, even if you are a member of the commune, you can eat for free today, but you have to pay the fee tomorrow. However, we don't know anything and have no experience, why are we selected?I asked again. Because you guys are very active, just the new blood we need. Miserable, people die for money, and birds die for food.No way, I had to pay the price and put Qing Gao aside.

In the cadre meeting, the squad leader was elected as the general secretary, and the teacher, Fatty and I were elected as the executive director.Only then did I know that what we were participating in was the Kunlun Academy, whose sole purpose was to play and hold various competitions. I have always been strong and competitive, because I pay too much attention to winning and losing, and I devote myself to it.Later, I couldn't bear the psychological load, and often during the competition, my whole body trembled and I couldn't control it. I remember it started from playing chess. When I was in junior high school, there were guests at home playing chess.I watched from the sidelines first, and then played against my relatives and friends at home, winning more than losing.Of course he is proud of winning, but he loses face when he loses, and he always has to find some reason to explain it.Because he was afraid of losing, gradually when he heard that he was going to play chess, he began to tremble involuntarily, and the trembling became more and more violent, uncontrollable.Later, I changed to go, but the situation did not improve.So, I dare not play chess with anyone anymore.

Not only playing chess, but also running and playing ball.In the end, whenever I thought about winning or losing, I would tremble all over my body.So, I used every excuse to avoid any competition.However, there are often various class confrontation activities in the school, and it is impossible not to participate.In the end, I had no choice but to keep telling myself that I was forced to participate, and winning or losing had nothing to do with me.And regardless of the grades, ignore the scores, so as to avoid tension.This is the reason why I am arrogant, and because I am too competitive, the only way to get rid of the root cause is to stay away from all kinds of competitive activities.

In Chenggong Middle School, I was selected for the varsity basketball team, and I guess the only reason was that I was never greedy for credit.I am not tall, and I rarely score. I play just to vent my boundless energy.Especially with the skill of pulling onions on dry land, I have to grab the rebounds and pass them to others to shoot.Therefore, the students all like to be on the same team with me, saying that I can afford to lose and have a good temper.In fact, I didn't dare to shoot. If I made it, it was fine. If I didn't make it, I would be very sad.It is safest to let others vote, which relieves me of psychological pressure. To be honest, I am afraid of being responsible, and even more afraid of being blamed by others.As long as I am not responsible for success or failure, I can do well in whatever I do.In middle school, I never had any real responsibilities.Only in the 37th class was elected as the discipline platoon leader, one level lower than the section leader.Because the official is small, the responsibility is not big, but he dares to act boldly, and he is almost settled by the classmate surnamed Luo. Now just because of greed, I throw myself into the tiger's mouth, what should I do?One is irresponsibility, no one can force me anyway; the other is to find a job that has nothing to do with the competition, as long as I stay away from winning or losing, I will not be nervous or make a fool of myself. Therefore, as soon as the meeting was held, I recommended myself and was willing to be in charge of the art group.On the one hand, I am interested in literature and art, and I have experience in running publications. A boy who has just entered college is always a little fresh and a little pretentious.Especially in middle school, it was strictly controlled, except for studying hard, the body and mind were absolutely protected.Once the pressure is gone, you can try things that you didn't dare to do before. If you want to play, you have to play some new tricks, crazy and crazy. The small squad leader has a lot of ideas and energy, and has become the chief executive.Back in the storage room, everyone coaxed together, and he said: Is my director general playing for real or fake? of course it's true. OK, then you must obey orders!The small squad leader is serious. Do as you command!Everyone still doesn't know how powerful it is. Well, what you say is what you say, he has a plan in mind: from now on, all the students in this room will act in groups, and offenders will be fined. The rich man asked: Does the package include picking up girls? Beautiful girl, everyone's public sex!The small squad leader said to everyone: Raise your hand if you agree. The unanimous vote was passed, and the squad leader said: "Starting today, our first test is that everyone is guessing what the hell he's up to: everyone strips naked and queues up to go to the bathroom to take a shower." Everyone complained, and the little sister immediately expressed objection: I am in the second grade, and I will not act in groups with you. Fine ten dollars!The squad leader is as iron as a mountain. The nickname of the rich man seems to be like this, he immediately stepped forward and said: "Little sister, give me the money, and I will take care of the account." There was excitement to watch, and everyone seemed to think that only the little sister wanted to take off their clothes, just to appreciate his fine skin and white flesh, so they all forced him to take off his clothes. After arguing for a long time, the little sister gave in and begged, "It's okay to take off naked, but it doesn't look good. Can I wear a towel?" After all, the Chinese are conservative by nature, and the small squad leader yelled loudly, but in fact, he was shyer than anyone else when it came time to take off.So we stripped naked, each using a different tool to cover up important parts of our bodies, lined up, and headed to the bathroom. This disturbed the whole dormitory, some laughed, shouted more, and some people shouted: Don't cover up if you have something, so that I can judge and judge by Lao Tzu! Later, we didn't dare to play tricks in the dormitory, and went to the sports field at night to play, in order to do something that no one had done.I don't know who suggested that the game pee.In the imagination, it must be Big Fatty who urinates the longest, but it turns out that the teacher wins every time.Everyone refused to accept it, and once forced Fatty to drink water all afternoon. When it was time for the competition, Fatty was unable to urinate due to a mechanical failure.We all blamed him for letting the water go without permission, Big Fatty had a bitter face and was speechless. Once, Einstein picked up a balloon in the bushes.Everyone played with it for a long time, and it seemed that it was a little different from the real balloon, and they all felt weird.I asked my senior classmates, but I was greatly ridiculed.We'd love to see this insurance process, which is the underlying psychological factor in our night out at the stadium. A couple came from afar, and we hid immediately. In the dark night, we watched them hide in a bush together.Everyone was excited and nervous, and they crawled over quietly, only to hear Big Fatty yell: Damn it!Don't come early, don't come late, but now it's here! His urination can really set a world record, but it also alarmed the pair of playful couples, and the good show can't be watched. After playing nonsense for a while, after the formal class, we were exposed to the core of the highest institution, and everyone stopped laughing. The senior students I saw, especially the seniors, were all lifeless, wearing a face of being unemployed and depressed after graduation.In addition to discussing going abroad, it is to study how to make a fortune, without any sense of being a master of the country. We often hear that a certain classmate is a certain faction in other people's chats.After I figured out the ins and outs of each faction, I learned the truth about our institution of higher learning, and I couldn't help but lose confidence in the future of the entire country. The first group is the so-called Aesthetics, who are the best academically, never participate in any extracurricular activities, and don't care about affairs other than themselves.Most of them are studying English outside the school, and they already have advanced knowledge such as TOEFL, deposit, and recommendation letters.To put it bluntly, they have already decided to serve the United States, and they only hate that the government forced them to receive education for too long, and they have to serve in the army, which took away their precious youth. An aestheticist general once said to me: You say I am not patriotic?People are selfish, how could I not love my country?But is this country my own?If yes, why not involve us?Why do only a privileged few do what they want?If as long as I am a obedient citizen, I have the right to choose whose obedient citizen I am.Whatever you think of America, at least I have a new hope.But in this country, I am only unrequited love, wishful thinking. By the time I could really understand these words, it was too late.Later, I also turned against and became an aesthetic school, which was unexpected back then. The second faction is the diehard faction. The object of their allegiance is ever-changing, which is the reality of survival.Allegiance is granted to anyone who benefits their group, professional, or personal survival.Once they find it unprofitable, they immediately abandon it like a shoe. Most of the people in this group had mediocre grades, and some people began to inquire about which teachers had what influence as soon as they entered the school.After seeing it correctly, he tried to win over and get close, fearing that he would not be able to become a pawn in front of the account.Others tried their best to express themselves, shouted slogans, tried their best to join the Kuomintang, and specially monitored dissidents in an attempt to rise to the top. The third is the confused faction, some eat, drink and play, chasing a good life all day long; I am also one of them, perhaps because I have been living in the narrow world of the family in the past, have never been cultivated by society, and have not seen the truth of reality.I think it's not just me, but other friends as well. The big environment can be seen from the small environment. The talents cultivated by the school are all influential people in the future society, so the quality of the school affects the standard of society.At the same time, the school's teachers, system, and school spirit are closely related to the society at that time, so various social trends and phenomena are all specific and subtle in the school. People who have a deep understanding of reality, from disappointment to despair, finally have to escape and stay away from this powerless environment.Those who are unwilling to escape, or unable to stay away, have no choice but to try to adapt to the environment and bring it to reality.Only those of us who are unaware, with our eyes still unopened, are dull and dull, and don't know anything about external things except our own little world. The most direct factor causing this phenomenon is the low level of knowledge of Chinese people and the lack of objective judgment ability.Under the goodwill protection of the government, not only the academic textbooks have been purified, but even the objective public opinion has been spoken with one voice.Needless to say, ideology, strict control, brutal suppression, can not be half-hearted. The background of this situation is that after the failure of the mainland, the government failed to reflect on itself and shifted all responsibility to the Communist Party and intellectuals who were dissatisfied with the status quo.Therefore, it is not only necessary to be anti-communist, but also to prevent the people from having knowledge (technology is an exception).And the best way is to fool the people and make everyone an ignorant blind follower. Of course, it's not fair to ask who is responsible, it's the plague of the age, the alcoholism syndrome of the century.The extreme concept of personal freedom expanded rapidly, invading the closed organism that survives and protects itself.Just like a group of strong and hungry jaguars rushing into the old and weak cattle, a tragic killing is inevitable.This is not only a test of traditional Chinese culture, why is it not the case for all ethnic groups?Even the development direction of all mankind is facing a choice! When everyone is drunk, is there any lonely soul who is sober, from the standpoint of the bystander, to see the cause and effect of this drastic change?Although people in the world have been infected today, everyone's mouth can make money, and everyone's interest becomes popular.But as long as human beings are not destroyed, there will always be a day of hard work and reflection.In real life, between mainstream and non-mainstream, it is also a battle of ideologies.Fortunately, everyone has the freedom of self-expression. Isn't this the original meaning of freedom? Generally speaking, knowledge can be divided into two categories, one is the way of thinking and judgment, and the other is the tool of work and survival.Unfortunately, I have never heard of the former method, from elementary school to university, from textbooks to classrooms.As for the tools of survival, the only way to assess how much you have learned is in terms of money and status. Therefore, under careful planning, a large number of intellectuals who flow out of various universities every year are all elites who are only interested in profit, and only I am respected.It is self-evident that the result of this kind of society must be laughing at the poor but not laughing at the prostitutes.From an optimistic point of view, the country is prosperous and the society is prosperous.But the concentration of all the most sophisticated machinery in the world has created unprecedented wealth and assets, but it does not mean that people in this society have the ability to think and judge.These wealth and assets, at best, can only meet the material needs of life. Can life be satisfied only by material things? In order to preserve vested interests, a small number of people only seek temporary peace and disregard the eternal national foundation. This is the real cause of the disease.Everyone is for himself, everything is selfish, fighting for power and profit, taking money and perverting the law.As long as personal behavior does not affect the changes in the social status quo, you can do whatever you want.If someone criticizes the current situation for the benefit of the country, even if it is a small comment, he will not be tolerated by the authorities, and he will be regarded as heresy and regret for life. It is impossible to ask everyone to be a sage, but it is sad that people lose the opportunity to see the sages.Life is like a boat sailing in the vast ocean. Without navigation and guidance, where will the boat drift?Of course, fighting for power and profit is one of the various aspects of life, and it is not a big mistake to be greedy for glory and wealth.It's just that if you keep a little bit of conscience, enshrine a god and Buddha, and keep some principles of life and doing things, the next generation will still have hope for new life! In our school, there are squabbles in personnel affairs, and the ugly scenes of civil and military struggles are heard every day.Two female professors once had a fight in the Academic Affairs Office. Afterwards, black letters were everywhere, and many innocent students were imprisoned. Once, a student of the Department of Agrochemicals, who was both good in character and academics, couldn't get used to this kind of chaos, so he was so angry that he wrote a few words on the blackboard that were disrespectful to a certain female professor.Immediately, a large number of police officers came to the school, arrested him, and tortured him for three days.After he came back, he didn't say a word, but buried himself in studying English, and finally fled to the United States, where he disappeared. The teachers in our agronomy department are the worst. The good ones either stayed in the mainland, or joined the American Aid Organization Agricultural Revival Committee, or taught at National Taiwan University.The head of our department has a very strong background and high means, but he only has power when he has nothing in his stomach.When the senior students mentioned him, they all shook their heads and remained silent. At that time, Zhang Wencai, a teaching assistant in the department, wrote a thesis titled "Study on Mutation of Rice by Cobalt 60".The head of the department told him clearly that according to the school's regulations, the thesis cannot be published privately. As long as the head of the department vetoes it, the thesis will become a piece of waste paper.If this paper can be published in the name of the head of the department, based on the standpoint of reciprocity, he still has the hope of being promoted to a lecturer. Zhang Wencai had no choice but to readily agree due to the objective circumstances.As a result, the dean of our department became a member of the National Atomic Energy Commission because of this paper.On behalf of our country, he participated in the International Conference on the Peaceful Application of Atomic Energy held in Paris, and read out the paper at the conference. Afterwards, the dean of the department gained both fame and fortune, and the nobles often forgot things, so Zhang Wencai still worked as a teaching assistant for many years.Everyone in the school knew about this matter, but no one dared to speak out.Not only that, the head of the department even used his authority to compile the graduation thesis of his classmates into a book.Published in his own name, called "Rice Cultivation".All students who attend the class must order the book from him. If the daimyo is not included in the order list, the first course of rice cropping is absolutely guaranteed to be retaken. I didn't have the opportunity to learn it until I was in the second grade. At first, I really didn't have the money to buy his textbooks, and I didn't want to succumb to the threat of retaking, so I kept refusing to buy them.My classmates tried to persuade me again and again, and they all thought that I was like a car with a mantis arm, and it was really not worth it to ruin my future for a book. Although the words are reasonable, this is not worth it, and that is not necessary. How far should we compromise in life?After thinking about it again and again, I finally gave in.Because I have very little class time, in order to consume energy, I often hold activities and take business leave. Since I know that there are tigers in the mountains, why should I go to the mountains?Although I have a hard mouth, I am actually very afraid of repeating grades. I am fine during the day, but when I fall asleep at night, I am always sweating from the anxiety of the exam. In the end, I had to reluctantly register and buy a copy.For the one hundred and fifty yuan Bible, I have suffered for several months, and I can't help but hate him to the bone. The dean of the department is a strange story in the present and ancient times. He sat down leisurely first, slowly opened the leather bag that he never left, and prepared to sacrifice the magic weapon.The first trick we call soul-stirring is a one-on-one verification of the body.It takes about ten minutes.That kind of slow motion is very similar to a close-up shot in a movie. He carefully put on his reading glasses, moved his fingertips to the roll, and recognized the names on the roll.Then he took off his presbyopic glasses in super slow motion, scanned it to his classmates first, and then activated his Hunan Mandarin voice system that few people could understand, and sang it word by word.The students half relied on guessing and half relied on other people's prompts to know that the title of the song was their own. At this time, the students must stand up and agree loudly: Yes, the head of the department will appreciate the boss carefully for a while, as if he loves the little grandson he hasn't seen for many years.Then hummed, nodded, put on presbyopic eyes, and ordered the second one.If that classmate is not there, he will lengthen the ending in the same way, and ask in a thick and nasal voice: Huh?Where is the gram (to pronounce the ke sound)? If no one answered, he would say in the same tone: Ah!Not coming! Then he made a vigorous note on his special roll.Whether it's public holidays, sick leave, personal leave, he said the same: ah!Not coming!Make a note of the same force. So and so, according to reports from senior classmates, he has enjoyed it for more than ten years, and some people even said: The old man eats all over the world with this trick, and he is addicted! At first we thought he would recognize people, but later we found out that he was just delaying time.Because the seniors have repeatedly pointed out that if some classmates are not there, it is better to change someone to agree, but we dare not.Once, a classmate gave it a try and was going to pretend that he had heard it wrong, but he hummed and nodded, as if he recognized it, and the whole class smiled happily. After counting the names, the next move must be to move the universe, and the real good show will be the beginning.He would open a page randomly, and if it was a statistical table, he would murmur: one circle, two circles, three circles!He raised his head, took off his presbyopic glasses, and said to everyone: It's one clear (thousand) three hundred. No one knows the mystery, so they have to wait blankly for the revelation of his old man. Only then did he lower his head, slowly put on his reading glasses, and slide his index finger down along the outer pages.After looking at it, he took off his presbyopic glasses again, pretending to be enlightened, and said with a dry smile: Ah!It is three hundred er (twenty) ten um (five) one (page).All of a sudden, the students whispered to each other as if they had received the imperial decree, guessing again and again, flipping through the books one by one enthusiastically, and the classroom was buzzing.The head of the department smiled, feeling that the children made Long Xin very happy. If it wasn't for the form, he would turn another page, or ask the students to stand up and recite the words like elementary school students. There are different styles of writing, what's more, they are turned over casually, without beginning or end, and they are simply incomprehensible to read. The seniors have repeatedly emphasized that there are only a few difficulties in the entire four years, and the department head's road is as dangerous as the road of Sichuan, so you must be patient.If you want to skip class, you must avoid asking for leave, just find a classmate to answer for you.One is that I don't want to trouble others, and the other is that I am used to walking on dangerous roads, and I am afraid of returning home. I can't help but want to challenge the authority and learn a trick to hide the truth. No matter who it is, everyone has weaknesses, and the dean of the department himself knows the ins and outs of his member of the National Science Council for Atomic Energy Applications.In order to maintain his reputation, I don't believe he dares to fight. After thinking about it for a few days, I made up my mind and raised my hand to ask a question.The head of the department didn't know whether he really didn't see it, or pretended not to see it, and spent a long time buried in his circle, counting and counting. I shouted loudly: Dean! He slowly raised his head and said slowly: Uh, four hundred Dean, I have a question.I am on the verge of a string, so I have to ask.The students knew that the war was about to break out, and they all broke into a cold sweat for me. He took off his glasses slowly, looked at me fiercely, and still asked slowly: What's your name? Zhu Bangfu! ah!Zhu Bangfu!He buried his head again, opened his special roll, and searched for about three minutes.In the end, he repeated a routine action, strengthening his strong nasal voice: ah!Zhu Bangfu is you. Director, I have a question. ah!you have a problem?He emphasized again: Are you Zhu Bangfu? What I gambled on was courage. Ignoring all his hints, I immediately asked loudly: Excuse me, director, what is a thermal neutron? This is the proper term mentioned in the chapter <Rice Mutagenesis>, which refers to the accelerated neutrons.In rice cultivation, its radiation can be used to change the genetic structure. For a while, the whole class was silent, and everyone expected the head of the department to be furious. Unexpectedly, Jiang is old and hot, the head of the department smiled relaxedly, and silenced me: RA (hot) neutron!It's RA's!When he smiled, the whole class roared with laughter. Since then, I have never taken his class again. At the end of the semester, I passed it safely. Everyone said it was a miracle, but I proudly thought it was a tacit understanding between me and the head of the department. There are many good professors. There is a Professor Huang Zhenghua who teaches genetics, and his teaching is based on real talents.Unlike other professors, they rely on outdoor roll call to force students to stay in the classroom.Because everyone has sharp eyes, everyone hopes to learn something.Every time Professor Huang attends class, there are huge crowds of people inside and outside the classroom, and there are also auditors from other schools far away.It's just that our school can't keep talented people. He only taught us for more than two months and then left. In addition, there was a professor who made us admire at the beginning. He started to give lectures as soon as he started class, and left after class without saying a word of nonsense.However, after reading the handouts, everyone found that what he said was exactly the same as what was printed on the handouts. I believe this is also a world record.Later, a senior classmate told us that he had memorized this handout for more than ten years. Over the past ten years, despite the endless new knowledge, he was able to stand firm like a mountain and remain steadfast! There is also a professor who has been active in the political arena.Now out of power, we are forced to listen to his speeches and his political whining.By the end of the semester, attendance in class became his only criterion for scoring. To some students, that professor made sense because his grades were manageable.Another professor used electric fans to mark the grades.It is said that exam papers that have been blown farther by the wind have a lower score, the reason being that there must be less ink on them.Although this is just a legend, it is conceivable that the scoring lacks standards. For some students, in order to strive for scholarships or to prepare for studying abroad, the level of scores has a great impact on them.Since grades are not directly proportional to hard work, they have no choice but to go through the back door and make connections.Our class representative teacher has a lot of social experience, and knows how to inquire about the personality and likes and dislikes of each professor, so he has gained a lot. The Department of Agrochemicals was one of the few scientific departments in our school at that time. It is said that the wife of the head of the department who has an absolute influence on agricultural rehabilitation taught us fertilizer science in person.For the sake of the future, many students applied to transfer departments, so she was so arrogant that one-third of the students often failed to pass the test.The teacher collected information, carefully researched and judged, and persuaded us to go to visit, give gifts, greet, and ask for instructions before the class started. The result is that teachers and students get along harmoniously, and everyone is happy.Because of this, the teacher won her favor, and was smoothly transferred to the Department of Agrochemicals, and became the tutor of his wife's daughter. After hearing and seeing, I changed from unknowingly to hating and hating.Although it was not my wish to enter the Agricultural College, I always believed that colleges are the lifeblood of the country and holy places for knowledge exploration. They should allow me to learn and think about some valuable concepts in life.Unfortunately, hope is dashed again, up and down, inside and out, everywhere is filth and corruption.It makes me feel that the only thing I should learn is how to escape, how to pretend to be deaf and dumb. I found that club activities are the most ideal safe haven. As long as there are good reasons, the discipline office can give public holidays without having to attend classes.I was on the basketball school team at the time, and there were more than ten days of inter-school competitions every semester as usual.In addition, he could hide for a month on the grounds of practicing football.I am also the captain of the brass band, and when it comes to celebrations or other occasions that require a band, it is always an opportunity to ask for official leave.But the one that benefits me the most is the Kunlun Institute. I use the excuse of running posters and publications to ask for official leave anytime and anywhere. Even if students have difficulty skipping classes, I can also ask for it. The magazine I published is called Under the Kunlun Mountains. This magazine is mimeographed and has more than fifty pages.In order to kill time and energy, I use the straight lines on the steel plate to carve carefully stroke by stroke.Each word is the same size, just like typesetting.Not only that, but I also labored for all the writers in the school, added my own to fill in the blanks, and drew some illustrations.It took a full two months to complete it after exerting all my abilities. This magazine not only brought a high reputation to the Kunlun Institute, but also paved the way for my four-year club activities.But things have a good side and a bad side. The director of training found me, praised me, and said: With your talents, you should join the Kuomintang. I have no interest in politics.I directly refused. The Kuomintang is to serve the country and has nothing to do with politics. There are many ways to serve the country, and it is not necessary to join the Kuomintang. This is an honor!Many people who want to join the party are unable to do so. Thank you, I don't want to join the party! He was full of suspicion, probably because he rarely encountered a monster like me.After thinking about it, he changed his tone: Your father is a veteran of the party and the country, and he is very respected. I am not as great as my father. It depends on yourself, like your father, he can seize the opportunity, so he has today. My father joined the KMT for the revolution, not for today. Of course, of course, he realized that I was ungrateful, stood up, and said seriously: But joining the Kuomintang has all benefits and no harm. If you don’t join, it will do you all harm but no benefit! Upon hearing this, I couldn't help feeling angry, and protested: Director!Is there any hope for this country if everyone joins a party only to satisfy his own interests?I couldn't stand it anymore, so I turned around and left after I finished speaking. My life was very difficult. My family only sent me 200 yuan a month, 120 yuan a month for the food group, 40 yuan a month for laundry, and 40 yuan for petty expenses.But the school often has to pay some fees (such as rice farming textbooks, etc.). In addition, I have to wait on the rotten bicycle I ride, and the food group is not nutritious. What's worse is that there was no one to take care of her since she was a child, and she was sick all over.The most serious is the cold, which has occurred almost every two months since the second year of high school.I had no choice but to go to the infirmary of the school, but the infirmary only gave anti-inflammatory tablets. Taking too much of it not only didn’t work, but also caused me to be allergic to sulfonamides, and the backs of my hands were red and swollen, painful and itchy. Someone suggested that I use oxytetracycline. At that time, oxytetracycline cost five yuan a pill.In order to treat the disease, I had to save forty yuan for laundry.If it's not enough, they don't even participate in the food group.Every morning, I ride to the fruit and vegetable market to buy small steamed buns for three yuan and ten. I eat soft ones in the morning, hard ones at noon, and stone powder at night.The happiest thing is that when the classmates go out, they leave the meal tickets to me, so that they can save dozens of dollars every month. Free eating is very popular in the school. Although the food group is strictly guarded, there are many ways for students to do so.Some people persuaded me to eat for free, but my bones are smelly and hard. I have been used to hard times since I was a child, and I feel at ease. I despise such sneaky things. Some people also persuaded me to use the energy and time spent on writing about the Kunlun Mountains to write handouts, and I could earn more or less one or two hundred yuan a month.I was also a little tempted, but I also felt that this was too irresponsible. Since I did it myself, I must suffer it myself.If I want to make money and only care about myself, what difference does it make to someone I despise? When I was very hungry, I used to steal my own crops, as well as bananas and other fruits from the school farm.Of course, that is considered a crime, but food is the most important thing for the people, so I still have reasons to forgive myself. In second grade, we lived in formal dorms.One day, in the same dormitory, a classmate who was nicknamed Personality talked about how he could braise dog meat in soy sauce.I was panicking with hunger, so I couldn't help asking him, can I find a dog to try?Anytime, he said, there's just no place to burn. Other students followed suit, some were willing to provide the stove, some said they could get the seasoning.As for the pot, my pint basin is just the best tool.That pot is quite well-known in school, so in order to save money, I bought an aluminum pot that was bigger than a rice bowl and smaller than a washbasin.Use it as a washbasin when washing your face, as a shower basin when taking a bath, and as a rice bowl when eating. His character is what he is called, and he does what he says. He said that at least two people are needed to do this kind of thing. He can kill the dog, but he also needs an accomplice to deceive the dog.As a result, the students looked at each other in blank dismay, and no one wanted to go with him.我的肚皮快要貼到背脊了，眼看可以大快朵頤，不料卻來了個難題。說不得，幫兇就幫兇吧，反正我不在乎，既然老天讓我挨餓，哪隻狗碰到我也是活該倒霉。 於是我自告奮勇，作了他的副手。他去借了把散彈獵槍，當時是晚上七、八點鐘，我們騎上腳踏車，在大家的祝福聲中出發了。 剛到學校前的林蔭大道，就見到一隻垂頭喪氣的野狗，牠和我們一樣在路邊找食物。我的責任是騙狗，性格立刻說：我到前面轉彎的路口等你，那邊人比較少，好動手。 說罷，他如飛般去了。我試著嘖嘖連聲喚那隻狗，牠先是有點懷疑，不肯過來。我一再親切地呼喚著牠。終於，牠認定了我不是壞人，怏怏地搖著尾巴，慢慢向我走來。我也騎上腳踏車，口中仍不斷地叫喚著。 我騎在前面，牠跟在後面，我快牠就快，我慢牠也慢。看牠那副對我十分信任的德性，我又值得牠信任嗎？想想不禁慚愧起來。做人真可憐，老是三心二意的，有好幾個立場，有無數個原則，還有種種目的、手段、條件，一時這，一時那，主意很難拿定。 我雖然餓了，但還不至於餓死，而牠，恐怕也和我餓得差不多，我能吃牠嗎？更何況我最佩服的，是行俠仗義、扶弱鋤強的英雄好漢。今天我居然要把這隻可憐狗騙入腹中，我算是哪一門俠客？ 於是我回過頭來，決定把牠趕走，牠竟以為我和牠遊戲，繞著我跳來跳去，真是不識好歹的狗東西！我只好下車，找了塊石頭嚇牠，才把牠和牠的糊塗夢趕走。 我的腳踏車也有一絕，鏈條很容易卸下，且只有我知道如何還原。平常少有同學向我借車，但萬一遇到有人要借，而我又不願意借時，我就用腳輕輕一撥，車鏈脫落，車子也就很有默契地賴著不走。此時我重施故技，找到了性格，說狗不聽話跑了，而我為了追牠，老爺腳踏車也拋錨了。結論是：我不能再跟他去打狗。 回到宿舍，肚中飢餓委實難忍，只得找了一位同學，言明要敲他一記竹槓。這已經不是第一次了，他頗能諒解，便請我去福利社吃陽春麵。 當我邊吃邊體會胃裡充實的滿足感時，突然聽到外面碰然一聲巨響，大家都吃了一驚。還沒有弄清怎麼回事，便又聽到汪！汪！汪！連聲的狗叫。我心中一涼，知道是性格得手了。心中正憂喜參半，遠處又傳來一聲歡呼：朱邦復！朱邦復！狗打死沒有？ 好事不出門，壞事揚千里！轉瞬間全校皆知，我成了打狗英雄！ 狗被打死了，掉到校門外的排水溝中，是隻又肥又壯的大黃狗，有位同學認出是某位教授養的。我們一共出動了五個人，才把牠抬到宿舍。這時狗屍當前，木已成舟，反正壞人已經做了，還顧忌些什麼？ 天下事很難十全十美，性格借錯了鎗，這是把散彈鎗，那些細如砂子的散彈，嵌滿在狗肉中，吃時得十分小心。可是，肉終歸是肉，對我而言，一個星期的口糧都解決了，還有什麼好抱怨的。 最慘的一次，則是在三年級下學期時，我連續病了兩個月，是感冒後的併發症支氣管炎。所有的錢都買藥了，土黴素已經失效，換了金黴素、青黴素以至新黴素。這些特效藥對我都毫無作用，每天咳個不停，喉嚨沙啞，胸口更是奇痛難忍。同寢室的同學一半出於憐憫，一半也是被我吵得受不了，紛紛建議我回家去休養。 我曾一再寫信給父親，請求多寄點錢來，所得的卻是遠比金錢更有價值的一頓教訓。這時我突然想到，如果把實際病況讓父親看看，或許可以修正他的成見。於是同學們各湊了些錢，借給我作路費，立刻動身趕回台北。 到家時大約是晚上七點鐘，難以相信的是，咳嗽居然逃之夭夭。雖然胸口刺痛更劇，但那只是我個人的感覺，外表看不出來。 父親見我回家，勃然大怒，責我沒有出息，受不了學校清寒的生活。我辯稱是回來看病的，但沒有病癥為証，父親無法採信，迫我立刻返校。 我只借了單程路費，身無分文，父親說：這便是教訓！做事不給自己留後路，活該！ 不得已，我只好步行到火車站，打算坐順風車回台中。如果被逮住了，正好也讓父親得個教訓，才能大快我心！走在路上，眼看家家戶戶燈火通明，偏偏我卻是有家不得歸。 我家離車站大約有十幾公里，原本就感冒，又兼連續奔波勞累，走到車站時，我已支撐不住了。找到一個陰暗的角落，我踡伏成一堆，昏昏地睡了過去。 醒來後，我覺得天眩地轉，眼前似有人影晃動，又彷彿聽到有人說：這是肺炎，要送醫院才行。 迷糊中有人抬起我來，在顛顛簸簸中，我又失去了知覺。 再醒過來，我竟睡在一個病床上，旁邊有一個玻璃瓶，接著一根管子直插到我左臂的血脈中。我猛然想起，這一定是醫院，這筆費用將如何支付？當然，現在我可以証明是真的有病，父親不至於付不出醫藥費來。但是轉而一想，這又証明了什麼？是自己執意要回家，因為回家而導致病情轉惡，這不又是另一個教訓嗎？ 一會兒，進來一位中年護士，我掙扎著想坐起來，她忙按著我，問道：小弟弟，你家住哪裡？ 我搖搖頭，雖然滿腔憤懣，但還是狠不下心，不能讓父親丟這個臉。 我猜你一定是沒爹沒娘，看你那一身衣服，黑得不像樣子，又臭又髒，我已經拿去給你洗乾淨了。 我忍不住，兩行清淚滾滾而下。 她故作未見，打笑著說：是我親自幫你洗的，不瞞你說，我真不知道你怎麼穿的？當雨衣倒是很好。你的衣服上有一層油，泡在水裡都沉不下去，幸而醫院有個蒸汽鍋，否則真沒法洗哩！ 她說對了，我的衣服也就是晴雨衣，真是難為了她。髒到這種地步，一般洗衣店通常是拒絕接受的。 她知道我所擔心的事，接著又說：你不必擔心，沒什麼病，只是感冒虛弱，回去休息休息就好。有個善心人把你的醫藥費都付清了，還留了一封信給你，等一會你就可以走了。 我接過信，拆開一看，裡面是一百元，別的什麼都沒有。 往事歷歷，我直覺的感受到，所有發生在我身上的，並非單獨的事件，而是全人類無數生靈所曾經體驗的客觀真實。自私、無知、愚昧是人苦難的泉源，但如果人能將心比心，澤及他人，人性就在昇華，人類就有希望。十步之內，有荊棘也有芳草，人世間是是非非、紛紛擾擾，如斯而已。 我沒有必要為自己悲傷，我的遭遇來自身處的環境，除非環境能有所改善。否則，普天之下，總有一個角落上，存在著別的可憐蟲，忍受著可能比我更悽慘的不幸。古人說感同身受，除非我麻木不仁，或是自欺欺人。每當我想到這些苦難，不管是別人或是自己的，那種從心底深處所產生的悲痛，是同樣的刻骨銘心。 經歷了苦難的洗禮，才知解脫的無價，感激之心油然而生。gratitude!是心靈的悸動，是時空的共鳴，是一種高貴的生命力，更是人性發揮的極致，人只有浸浴在感激的情操之中，才能感覺到亙古的光明，才能領會到宇宙永生的脈動。 宗教家知道感恩的力量，用讚美及歸依，拯救人孤苦的靈魂。為什麼人不能在心靈的殿堂上，隨時隨地充滿著感激之心，去迎接生命的歡愉呢？ 促使我由小我昇華到大我的觸媒，是另一個偶然的機會。如同一點微弱的火星，無意中點燃了我心裡的明燈。從此，照亮了自己幽暗的小天地，使我由苦難中逐漸站立起來，認清了人世的真實，進而身心獲得平安。同時也是基於這一點感激之心，使我立定志向，要把這種光明帶到人間，與天涯淪落人分享這份解脫的快樂。 記得是大一的下學期，在一位同學的桌上，無意中我看到了羅曼羅蘭所著的《約翰克里斯多夫》。先是基於無聊，順手將書打開來。不料翻閱之下，書中每一字串所帶給我的信息，強烈地撼動了我的心弦。似曾相識的苦難，永無止境的掙扎，把約翰克里斯多夫和我不分彼此地混合在一起，以至於懷疑羅曼羅蘭是不是在寫我？ 當然，我無法與克里斯多夫相比，他是天才，是我心中的偶像樂聖貝多芬。可是，為什麼貝多芬能跳出他苦難的圈子，把他的悲傷化為令人感動的音樂，美化、安慰了人生。而我卻自怨自艾，只想到個人的辛酸，封閉在一個狹小的牢籠中？ 人間的幸與不幸，完全是自己所造成。每個人站在自我的立場，只顧追求自己的快樂，無視於他人的存在。當有能力者單方面滿足他的需求時，基於人與人之間的矛盾，他的快樂經常是建築在別人的痛苦上。一個人的痛苦又成為另一人遭遇的肇因，如此惡性相循，人間遂充滿了痛苦與不幸。甚至在彼此影響之下，因果糾結，時空倒轉，阿鼻地獄於茲產生，人人都成為這個輪迴的一部分。 如果人能彼此遷就，把自我的痛苦埋藏在心底，體諒他人，取悅他人。則人間所循環的，將是互助互愛的快樂，痛苦漸漸減少，以至於消失。 is it possible?不去實踐，什麼都不可能，如果大家都期待別人先做，當然就不可能。既然我相信這種觀念，就應該身體力行。 《列子》中有個愚公移山的故事，我們在中學都讀過、考過。那是說有一個老人，他認為家門前的王屋大山擋住去路，決定把它移走。人們都笑他，說人怎麼可能移山，他說：我一個人當然移不了，但只要我的子子孫孫、世世代代不斷地努力，積少成多，為什麼不可能？ 由於《約翰克里斯多夫》這本書的啟示，我也加入了愚公的行列。我不敢期望自己能免於痛苦，但卻希望人人都能看清痛苦的真面目，從而知道如何防範規避。只要能將一個人的乖戾之氣化為祥和，人間就少種了一分惡因，未來就少一個惡果。 說來容易做來難，在人心中，自我的私利總是一切事物判斷的根本。在習慣沒有養成以前，即使分明知道怎樣做才是對的，而一開口、一動手就本能地趨利避害，胳膊老向內彎。所以人必須先確定方向，不斷的熬煉，藉著歲月的力量，像河水沖刷石頭一般，將一己的私欲，一點一滴地消蝕殆盡，然後才能步上坦途。 我還存著另一分希望，自己青少年時期的遭遇，已使我喪失了很多學習的良機，可是在人生經歷上，我卻有著無數珍貴的感受。因此我痛下決心，此後更要儘量去體驗人生，打算把自己的經歷，如同羅曼羅蘭一般，寫成一本書，提供給後人，作為見証。 於是，我開始勤寫日記，不論是非善惡，只記事實發生的前因後果，以免日久遺忘。不幸的是，我終生奔波，居無定所，八冊厚厚的日記成為旅途極大的累贅。一九七一年，我途經美國，行李實在重得難以忍受，便把這些心血寄托在一位老朋友家中。想不到在他搬家時，竟然全部遺失了。 當我正式執筆時，能浮現眼前的已經為數不多了，起初心中難免耿耿。可是，換個角度來看，在人生無窮的遭遇中，唯有能夠清楚地回憶起的事物，才值得珍貴。我何嘗損失了什麼？又何曾記載了什麼？不就如孟浩然所說說。 春眠不覺曉，處處聞啼鳥，夜來風雨聲，花落知多少？