Chapter 10 Nine, hone

Will, Religion, Feelings, Weakness Man is just a kind of life, and its survival is completely dominated by the environment. If the environment is good, man can survive step by step.When the time comes, driven by the genes passed on from generation to generation, people will become races, and the next generation will start their journey of life again. As far as this process is concerned, there is no difference between human beings and other living beings, except for the sensitivity of the sense organs.Some people say that human beings are the spirits of all things. Does this mean that human beings have more advanced and sophisticated senses?

I disagree. Human vision is far inferior to falcons, and his hearing is inferior to pigs and dogs. Humans cannot fly, and their carrying capacity is limited.The strength of human beings lies in their adaptability. Since human beings have a longer learning time than any known creature, learning is to accumulate experience, and experience is the basis of adaptability.In the evolution of time and space changes, human beings grow because of learning, absorbing the experience of their predecessors, and expanding their cognitive environment, so they are better able to adapt to various changes. Nearly a century ago, inland China was a closed agricultural society, and the way its culture developed was completely unaffected by the external environment.These guidelines for people to treat others, to behave in the world, and to meet things in response to the social conditions of the time, of course have their value.However, the times have changed, and the ancients cannot be reborn. If we cannot adapt to the needs of the environment, we will lose the ability to adapt and stay stuck in the past.

What I have encountered is the sequelae of this society's loss of flexibility, rigidity, and conservatism.A person is just a part of the times, besides me, who knows how many people are also struggling with pain and trouble?Comparing my heart to my heart, regardless of whether I have this ability or not, I must explore the crux of the problem at a deeper level. If I am lucky enough to learn a piece of it and tell it to those who come, I will live up to it. This concept is just an extension of what I want to learn a certain method. I despise technology and technology-related knowledge because I have set my own goals and directions.Knowledge and technology are the tools to achieve the goal. Since I can't find the ready-made knowledge to achieve the goal, I naturally don't need to waste precious energy and time to learn some tools that I may never use in my life.

Ideally, college should be the best environment for anyone to find the tools they need.In fact, as far as I know, universities only teach various ready-made tools and train some technicians needed by the current society, rather than studying the tools themselves, let alone pursuing the truth of the world. So, I started a new adventure. I didn't care about my schoolwork, but devoted all my energy to club activities.I want to use these activities to hone my observation ability and train my skills in dealing with the world; I want to use the people, things, things, and encounters around me as the objects of my learning and cognition.Only in the objective reality can we see the essence of human nature and find the best adaptation method in the process of human evolution.

First of all, I have to sort out the results of my relationship, because I have too little time to meet my younger sister, and she already has another boyfriend.When I first discovered it, the idol in my heart was suddenly disillusioned, and that kind of anger and annoyance were like poisonous snakes, gnawing at my helpless soul.I was unwilling to give up this feeling, and for my own benefit, I kept using letters to impress her. is this correct?Is it fair to her?If she was content with our relationship, would she make another friend?Otherwise, it is enough for me to keep my own memories, why bother her and make things difficult for her?

There is another reason. I very much hope to have a confidant who can share my ideals. The little sister is just a trace of the past.I was in transition, seeing myself differently every day, and I knew she couldn't possibly understand these journeys.So, if we can be together, what can we share? Therefore, I decided to gradually reduce the frequency of writing to her, and only maintain a pure friendship with each other. However, this was a tragic battle that dragged on for half a year.In the process, I found that I was the most difficult enemy to conquer.Every time I made up my mind, three minutes later, I had sufficient reasons to overthrow the resolution I just made.The reason is clear and correct, and the reason put forward is irrefutable, but the feeling in my heart is like a storm, which strongly shakes every nerve.

Feelings cried out in despair: Life is more bitter than happy, how can I easily let go of the only happy memories that I grew up with myself? But, am I capable of saving it?In the past, I believed that she was 100% my own.Now, how much do I have left?How much can you get back?In the past, that was our sacred forbidden area, only she and I shared the endless sweetness.Now there is an extra restricted area in her forbidden area that I can't set foot in, can I accept it? My heart has become a battlefield for hand-to-hand combat. Sometimes reason prevails, and the road I should walk is extremely difficult. How can I have the mood to compete with others?If the little girl is really worth fighting for, she should first realize my value, otherwise, we have different ways, how can we conspire with each other?However, the power of emotion is deep-rooted, and he finds all reasons and is stubborn and unyielding.She is just a girl, how could she have the same ideals as me?Not only her, but who else in the world could?

Who else would appreciate a monster like me besides her?Besides, she understands me, do I have to bring out my past misfortunes to another stranger, and cry again?But what really makes me sad is her shy coquettishness in my arms.The feeling I had when I ruled the world at that time; the joy of dominating me; the frenzied desire to conquer, the struggle between the soul and the flesh, often twitched every nerve of mine. Besides, if loving her is a selfish desire, isn't all the thoughts of giving up her out of selfishness?Exchanging one kind of selfishness for another kind of selfishness, where is the difference?To be more frank, it was my self-esteem that was at work. When I found that I couldn't possess her, the reasons were all on the other side of the scale!

After struggling again and again, I decided to put aside this thorny issue for the time being, and first think about whether I have a strong will?If not, why face all the challenges in the future?The enlightenment brought by Christopher and the lessons Yugong taught me are all about abandoning all interference and overcoming all obstacles before the goal can be successfully achieved. I know that my shortcoming lies in the lack of self-control. Since other abilities can be trained, can self-control also be trained?I first set a simple goal: I must perform three things that I don't want to do every day.For example, never stay up in bed in the morning, never swear, never lose your temper when you are angry, etc.If you want to really implement it, you must review it every day. If you forget one day, you will double the implementation the next day.

In the first few days, it was very enthusiastic and interesting.I remember one time when I was mimeographing materials in the training office, I suddenly thought that if there was a gust of wind and these printed and neatly placed papers were all scattered on the ground, wouldn’t it be a disaster?At this time, another idea immediately came up. Since I don't want to rearrange, I should deliberately scatter the paper to test my willpower of self-control. Can it be done?This is the Discipline Office, which represents majesty and order. How can I do anything wrong in front of the teacher?Thinking about it again, if I really did this, it would be a big deal that they would say that I was insane.Of course normal people would not test themselves in this way, then, I am not normal anymore, what should I be afraid of?For so many days, all I have done are insignificant things. This time I am facing a test, should I stick to it?

For any difficult choice, the factors faced must be mixed.But only with the goal as the premise, under the balance of interests, resolutely move forward.Since I want to train my willpower, I don't have to think about my own face. No matter what others think of me, if I can really obtain this expected ability, I will benefit endlessly throughout my life. That time really shocked several teachers. They saw that I scattered the paper all over the floor, and they all thought I was crazy.Only I know in my own mind that it takes a great deal of willpower to pretend to be crazy.In the Warring States period, Sun Bin, in order to avoid Pang Juan's doubts, did not hesitate to feed on dung, and finally deceived a powerful enemy and got revenge. This is an example. After a long period of struggle and tempering, I have done many eye-catching things, and the habit has become natural.Since then, when I should take action, I have no hesitation, no hesitation, resolute and decisive, and I will do it when I think about it. I seem to be treated like a monster for granted, but I always think other people's habits are incredible.For example, when students meet each other, the first sentence is always to ask: Have you eaten yet? As soon as I heard it, I was puzzled. Is this a greeting or caring?Greetings like this, in the past when the Chinese people suffered and suffered, these words are quite contemptuous.Now it is even more unreasonable, who else has no food to eat?This must be the meaning of caring.Since it is caring, there should be an appropriate response, so I often answer: no!In fact, it often does. However, no one knew that I hadn't eaten and generously offered me a full meal! People still ask me the same: have you eaten? I have to add one more sentence: No, do you want to treat me to a meal? In the end, in exchange for a blank stare meal, everyone thought I was ignorant. Once, a classmate kindly told me: Chinese people say hello if they say they have eaten, don’t take it too seriously! So, in order to greet him, as soon as I saw him, I shouted: Good morning!It is simple and clear, and it is simplified from English Good Morning. Anyway, it's greetings, and I have developed a habit of blurting out when I see people.No need to think or check the time, even in the middle of the night, it is still early! This friend saw how pitiful I was, and said to me again: "Old Zhu, you will be laughed at by others, how can you say it early at night?" Say hello!Why take it seriously? During the summer youth self-improvement event, I signed up for the construction of a cross-road project. The only reason for participating was to earn some pocket money.I was so poor back then that I couldn't believe it.A classmate pointed out to me a clear way, which is to apply for work-study grants, at least three or four hundred dollars a month. After the application, it happened that the dean of training came to Yangmingshan for a meeting.When he saw my father, he kindly went to pay his respects and said that my work-study was approved. When the father heard this, he was puzzled, why his son still needs to work and study part-time?So I issued an order to the dean of training to strictly discipline me, telling me to concentrate on studying and not to work! I explained to my father that participating in self-improvement activities is a serious matter, and that I participated in mountain training, which can exercise the body, and my father readily agreed.We have a total of sixteen teams, each with nine members. It took us a whole day to start from Wushe, climb mountains and ridges all the way to the construction site.I brought a large bottle of peppermint oil with me, and whenever my muscles ached from walking, I slathered it all over my body.The cool and spicy feeling not only relieves soreness, but also unexpectedly has the effect of repelling insects. Our task is to dig a 100-meter embankment for each team. In addition to the salary of 30 yuan a day, there are bonuses for those who exceed the progress, which are several times more than the salary.Most of the people who participated in this kind of activities were camping, and few of them really minded the little salary.This is not the case with our team, because I announced publicly on the first day that I came here to make money, and people responded immediately.As a result of the discussion at the meeting, everyone agreed that if you want to fight, you have to fight for a bonus. In addition to me, there are two other people on the team who also came here with the intention of making money. The three of us don't care about others and work hard all day long.At first, everyone was still on the sidelines, talking about sore hands and stomach pains.But after a few days, the three of us have already dug out a slope of almost ten meters. Everyone saw the hope, and immediately cheered up and went all out.Every time I dug a hoe, I thought to myself, and I dug another penny.According to our current progress, we can definitely dig 100 meters in one month.Each person can get at least 4,000 yuan, which is equivalent to the two-year expenses given to me by my family. In the end, we dug nearly 70 meters and won the first place.It is several times more than the average of the other teams. According to our estimation, we should be able to get nearly 4,000 yuan.But the team leader said that the upper management temporarily decided to cancel the bonus, because our results are too good, and if the bonus is awarded, the differences between the teams are too far.The purpose of this kind of activity is education rather than making money, so it was decided to distribute the prize money equally to each team to show fairness. I will always have a different opinion from these people. If this kind of activity is really for education, can education be dishonest?Money is not important, but what about the credibility of the government?A person's ignorance can be forgiven, but a group of people's ignorance is ignorance.Is it possible for an ignorant person to be responsible for dealing with the affairs of all people without being incompetent? People see their own interests very clearly, their positions are clear, and everything is justified.When dealing with public affairs, one should adopt a standpoint of public interest.If you don't know what the public interest stands for, your behavior will be unjustified and you will be easily blamed. How can this not lead to social chaos? Although I was not satisfied, I also got more than 1,200 yuan.As soon as he returned to Wushe, the money in his pocket became restless, and he wanted to buy everything he saw.I endured it and endured it, and suddenly I saw the world's top sneakers (the famous brand at that time, which I had been looking forward to but could not wear) in a store!Ask about the price, 25 yuan per pair, I bought four pairs in one go!Unexpectedly, because he seldom played, the new sneakers kept hanging up until he graduated from college. It was the first semester of my sophomore year, and I got out of the cocoon shell, got rid of the troubles that bound me, and started to explore this brand new life.It turned out that I was lonely, with different thoughts and actions, and I insisted on my own opinion, often arguing with others. There was a senior classmate who was a devout Christian. He kept persuading me to go to their church to listen to scriptures. At that time, I thought that religious belief was superstition. I had been victimized by superstition, so naturally I was unwilling to go. That classmate insisted that Christianity is science and the Bible is the truth. In order to prove it, he showed me a Bible.We made a mutual agreement that if the Bible was true to what he said, I would immediately convert to Jesus. I started from Genesis, and the more I looked at it, the more I couldn't accept it.For example, after Adam was expelled from the Garden of Eden, he gave birth to three sons including Cain, and they married and had children, but where did their wives come from?Since we are talking about the origin of human race, we cannot ignore any person at that time. Could it be that God created them from ribs?So when will it be built?Besides, in my opinion, God should be omnipotent and omnipotent.Then the people He created in His own image should meet His requirements one hundred percent. For example, there is an engineer, the quality of the work he designs is absolutely proportional to his ability.In the same way, we can judge whether an engineer is capable or not by looking at his works.If God is compared to an engineer, in the Old Testament, He repeatedly raged against his wicked people, set fire to the sky, caused floods, and wiped out His people again and again.However, the quality control has not been improved, and in the end, His son has to be labored to come to the world, performing some miracles.And the people He molded with his own hands are still as stubborn as before, and they can only look forward to the final judgment, and those who fail in quality control will be thrown into hell.Who should bear these responsibilities?Is it the work itself? Of course, that classmate had his reasons. He said that he could not think rationally.You must first accept these premises wholeheartedly, that is to say: the truth is not allowed to be doubted, you must first accept and believe it, and then naturally there will be no doubts.Since there is no doubt, what is it but truth? This logical dialectic made me laugh and cry. I asked him, all non-believers will be sent to hell, but will those who believe in the Lord out of fear of going to hell be able to go to heaven?he said yes.Let me ask again, what do people do after entering heaven and living forever?He said that you can do whatever you want, without fear and trouble. There is only one thing wrong with this ideal world. If I fall in love with someone, but she doesn't love me, what should I do?He said categorically that it was impossible, because everyone in heaven has love and everyone loves everyone.I'm confused again, everyone loves everyone, can people bear it?At least I personally will be trapped by love and find it hard to get along.He said that as long as you believe in the Lord, you will not have jealousy. This of course makes sense, but there are some details that are difficult to deal with.I put forward a hypothesis to him, suppose that I and he love a girl at the same time, and I want to be alone with her. The so-called everyone is not a certain person. His eloquence is good, but this kind of ideal is completely divorced from reality, how can everyone love him?If I don't believe in the Lord, will believers love me?He did not give an affirmative answer, but said that it is impossible for those who do not believe in the Lord to go to heaven. Only then did I realize that what he said turned out to be an exquisite logical trap.Because the premise is very clear: believers ascend to heaven, that is to say, all those who ascend to heaven are believers.After further reasoning, believers in the Lord are those who accept the Lord’s guidance and norms.Since man has decided to entrust everything to the Lord, and everything in heaven is the Lord's will, man has achieved his purpose. Since it is logic, there is no mystery.Moreover, using symbolic analysis, in the preceding sentence, XX can be used to replace heaven, and Y can be used as an example for the Lord, and the conclusion is still the same.No wonder Western religions all make use of this logical view, and their connotations are not far from each other, but they use different names. In the end, I also used his logic to ask him back.Since it has been said before that believers who are afraid of going to hell can go to heaven, if this person has already reached heaven, he no longer fears being sent to hell.His original motivation to believe in the Lord has disappeared. If he no longer believes in the Lord, can he still stay in heaven?Assuming that he is always afraid of going to hell, isn't there also fear and trouble in heaven? He doesn't come to me anymore, he thinks I'm the devil incarnate. The wind is blowing from the west to the east, and it seems that many of my classmates believe in the Lord, at least I have met them all. There is a female student in the Department of Agricultural Chemistry with a round face and a red mole between her eyebrows. Everyone calls her Bodhisattva.She shared a dormitory with several female classmates in her class. Among the female classmates were A Qun and Xiao Qiu, both of whom were editorial committee members at the foot of the Kunlun Mountains.They often talked about me, thinking that I knew everything, but I was very weird, and gave me a nickname: Dr. Zhu. Talking too much gradually aroused the Bodhisattva's curiosity. She didn't believe it, thinking that Aqun's words were exaggerated, how could there be such monsters in the world?Bodhisattva was sent by a girl's high school in Taipei, and her homework scores were the first in the school.She is very knowledgeable, but for various reasons, she has never talked to a boy in her life. Ah Qun is five feet five or six inches tall, which seems to be taller than me.She looks dignified and generous, and she is very intelligent. I usually call her eldest sister.Seeing the Bodhisattva's expression, she had a whim, and discussed with Xiaoqiu, intending to match the Bodhisattva and the devil. This pair is perfect. I am not good at homework, so I often keep my classmates with excellent grades at a respectful distance.But after several careful arrangements by them, the Bodhisattva impressed me. She has a wide range of thinking, quick responses, and is good at playing the piano, and has dabbled in art and literature.As long as we are together, we always talk like no one else, criticizing the past and satirizing the present. At first, she was always quiet and didn't talk much, but she often hit the point.Later, as we got to know her better, she became more and more excited, appeared anxious when speaking, and often had a reddish face.But every time after he finished speaking, he felt that he had lost his composure, so he quickly lowered his head and remained speechless for a while. She was all right, perfectly in line with my ideals, but there was one thing I couldn't stand. Her mother was an elder in the Presbyterian Church, and she was a devout believer. I had to convince her to get rid of superstition.Otherwise, based on different ideologies, we will never be able to get along in the same realm. After several heated debates, I found that although she believed sincerely, she was in the extreme contradiction between religion and science.As long as it takes time, I believe that she will be saved.This idea drove me to criticize her religious attitude whenever I had the opportunity. Not long after, Ah Qun warned me very rudely, saying that Bodhisattva is a very pure girl and I should not hurt her.I quickly explained that we were only discussing religion together.Ah Qun suddenly realized, but he couldn't forgive me.She believes that people have their own ambitions. The Bodhisattva was baptized when he was born, and he believed in the Lord very deeply. Now his mind has lost his normal mind, and he hides in the corner of the room and mutters prayers every day. I didn't think it was too late, her confidence was shaking, and I had to conquer her once and for all.Otherwise, for such an innocent person, I shouldn't let her break down physically and mentally, it's better to let her go and let her return to her original appearance.As for whether I can get her, it depends entirely on whether I have this blessing. Therefore, I promised Ah Qun that as long as I asked her out for an in-depth talk, if she didn't want to be influenced by me, I would never embarrass her again in the future. I chose a moonlit night, in the corridor of the school office building, facing the tall and solemn coconut trees, the shadows of people and trees intertwined, and we started a long talk in silence. Her demeanor resembled a fairy sculpted in white jade, her bright eyes reflected the moonlight, but her delicate lips trembled slightly, exuding the endless stillness of Guanghan Palace.I looked at her and considered the words countless times, but couldn't find a clue for a while. She has always been reserved, her style of writing does not move.A hint of ominous atmosphere came to my heart from among the icy treetops.It's easy to talk big, but if I mishandle it alone, it will be difficult to talk side by side with her in this life.A gem like her, with no flaws to fault (except, of course, our different beliefs), in the future, will I have another chance like this? However, I have repeatedly vowed to pursue the truth as my goal.In the long years of life, how many difficult choices have to be made?Even if she is my whole life, in my established goal, is the truth important, or is life, life important? On second thought, is my goal correct?What if there is no so-called truth in the universe?What if I miss the truth in front of me because of my ignorance and lack of judgment?She is not an ordinary person, she has her judgment, how can I just deny her beliefs based on my own ideas? After much deliberation, there was no mastery in my heart, and every thought was overturned by another wave of thoughts.Time flies by in the moonlight, I wonder if I can keep my promise to A Qun, can I live my life without regrets? By the way, I found that the current predicament is that I am too obsessed with my own gains and losses. The path of pursuing the truth is difficult and dangerous, and I must cast aside my personal interests.Otherwise, what I pursue is not truth, but subjective happiness.I believe that in his life, everyone will always have the idea of ​​exploring the truth of the world, but not many can do it.Even if it is possible for a while, how many people can practice it for a lifetime, ancient and modern, Chinese and foreign? Is there any objective truth in the universe?That's exactly what I want to explore. Now that I have set a goal, I can only sacrifice everything without turning back.And regardless of right or wrong, right or wrong, success or failure, gains or losses, I can use my life's behavior to speak out and provide others with a little reference.If I'm not smart enough, it's self-inflicted and self-defeating.And the only thing that can lead and guide me is my own conscience, the judgment I rely on.I must be unprejudiced and explore with an open mind. How can my own interests be considered together? I found a topic, and I started with my own state of mind, so I coughed, broke the silence, and said: I think the only value of being a human being lies in the awareness of oneself and the environment.Therefore, I set a goal for myself, which is to pursue understanding this kind of cognition as the only career in my life.Therefore, I cannot use my own interests as your value point.I hope you can understand this She still stared quietly at the half-curved moon, with a look of agreement in her brows, and I continued: I know that the conversation tonight may have a significant impact on you and my life.In any case, I hope that in the future we will not regret or suffer from each other.Together, we can collectively share this knowledge; apart, we individually pursue our own goals.In short, I cherish this time very much. I don't know whether to use the word "feeling" for each other. I am really afraid of desecrating her. I want to tell you about my past, she interjected, still looking out of the window: My father died very young, and my mother worked hard to bring me up.She had only one wish, and that was to dedicate myself to the Lord as His servant.I have no reason, nor can I have any reason, to go against her wishes.Originally, I could be recommended to National Taiwan University, but my mother thought that I should give this opportunity to others. Since no one was willing to recommend to the Agricultural College, I chose the Department of Agricultural Chemistry of the school.After graduation, I'm going to serve the Lord, just like my mother Your filial piety is respectable, but don't you think you should have your own will?I couldn't help but interrupt her. We should not have self-will, because we are here to suffer. Why? Because we have sinned, we need to pay for our sins by suffering. I know she's talking about original sin, and it's back to what we've been arguing about.I didn't want to get into the details of this too early, so I cut the conversation and said: Are you sure this is what you want in life? Yes! She turned her face away, her features glowed with holiness, and she bravely met my eyes.Under the silvery moonlight, those jet-black eyes seemed like an endless universe, containing unspeakable mystery and confusion. Immediately, I felt a shock in my heart, staring at such a beautiful, innocent, and real girl so closely, face to face.She was within my reach and all words meant nothing.A strong impulse rippled from the lower abdomen to the heart, the blood was rushing, and the limbs swelled.I want to hug her, fill the distance between us with passion, and embed my heart into her heart, so that she has nowhere to escape! She immediately became alert, took a step back hastily, and leaned her weak body against the window.I heard her intense breathing and felt her heartbeat like a surge.In fact, I couldn't tell if it was us or the universe throbbing.Rationality has long since disappeared without a trace, my mind is expanding infinitely, and my whole body seems to have risen to the top of the sky, wanting to quickly and violently contain her completely Yes, I want to suffer, I want to suffer, I have decided long ago that she is struggling weakly, the jade-like statue is melting like paraffin, and a look of despair and helplessness floats in her eyes.It was the torment of the soul, the deepest contradiction of human nature, the call of physical needs, violently shaking her last spiritual fortress. I only need to take a step forward, I only need to break through the defense line that has no obstacles, I only need to follow the life-giving instinct of nature What is that?is that love?Or a sensual outlet?To save her?Or satisfy your own needs?Is it a rational discussion?Or take advantage of her human weakness? In an instant, I saw my helpless body slowly pushing towards her under the primordial suction of Yin and Yang.At the same time, I also see that in the years to come, the two extreme contradictions will continue to fight. Should I obey her and give up my beliefs?Or cruelly win her away from her mother who depends on her for life? I was startled, and my body was covered with cold sweat. The person who was almost overwhelmed by carnal desire was actually me who claimed to pursue the truth!My heart was still throbbing violently, but my limbs were surprisingly soft, and my sanity gradually recovered. In order to hide my gaffe, I turned around, took a deep breath of fresh air, and an inexplicable emptiness came to my mind.I knew that I had to calm down, that one wrong step was eternal pain.All I can do now is to let her go, and at the same time let go of my own hope and happiness. The land of the night is extremely desolate, and there will be countless similar nights to accompany me. Where is the truth?I don't know if there is truth, let alone what truth is, but I have paid a terrible price. I couldn't find a suitable topic and didn't dare to look at her again. I closed my eyes and said casually: Do you really believe in God? Yes.Her voice came from far away, like a gentle breeze, trembling slightly, but also possessed an indescribable calm. I knew I had lost her. In fact, I knew it a long time ago, but what I didn't expect was that her mother was the crux.I can deeply understand the entanglement between children and families in the Chinese social environment.Am I the same?If I were to break with my father today and lead my own life, that would be impossible. Will you forgive me?I asked her apologetically. Forgive you for what?She regained her composure. I almost forgot about myself just now. I already knew that. known long time ago?what do you know?I didn't dare to imagine, and couldn't help turning my head in shame, and looked at her. Her round face was still slightly red, and that holy look had returned.Without any repercussions, she said calmly and firmly: I knew that you were sent by God to test me. We are still good friends, but she avoids me everywhere and rarely sees each other.In the second grade, it's been a long time since school started, and I haven't seen her yet.Ah Qun told me that at the end of last semester, she decided to transfer to the Department of Chemical Engineering of National Taiwan University, but unfortunately she was not admitted. This sad experience made me more careful, and I devoted myself to club activities throughout the second grade.After the start of the third grade, the Kunlun Academy has achieved good results in various activities, and word of mouth has attracted more than 100 new members, becoming the largest club in the school. I was the director-general of the previous term, and according to the usual practice, I should recommend candidates for the director of the current term, so I must get to know every new member in depth.There is a first-year female student in the Department of Horticulture, we call her Xiao Wu.Because she has a fresh and refined temperament, it immediately broke into my heart. I remind myself over and over again that I cannot repeat the same mistakes.However, there is a primitive force deep in my heart calling, and I need emotional nourishment.If you don't vent out the stagnant, thick and dense feeling, it will explode sooner or later. Besides, how can I be sure that it will be the same pattern?If you don't take the initiative to look for it, where will a confidant come to your door?Being shy and closed is not the attitude I should have, and chasing a girlfriend is not a crime, so what are you afraid of? Xiao Wu looks very beautiful, with a particularly good demeanor. I wonder if she is the one I should pursue.Because I'm really too spoiled, and I'm very unworthy of her.However, who knows?How do you know that she is not someone who values ​​spirituality?Since I want to understand life, I should try everything. Success is a kind of harvest, but why is failure another kind of experience? The problem lies in too many coincidences, which seem to be deliberately arranged in the dark, forcing me to walk on the path I least want, and there is no room for choice at all.Xiao Wu belongs to the Christian Baptist Church. She goes to church on time and worships on time, rain or shine.As long as any school activities conflict with the time of the church, she must give up the school and join the church. Why did I choose her?Can you rein in the precipice and turn back in time? I thought about it for a long time, yes, she has some advantages that attract me, but it won't make me fall under my skirt desperately.What finally made me decide to pursue her was the reflection of the previous experience.I think religion must have its own value, so these people I admire all have a certain kind of special temperament.If I want to understand the factors, I must explore it myself.As for pursuing her, it was a secondary issue.What's more, treating feelings as a kind of dedication, you don't have to worry about recycling, you can also beautify your heart and make your life colorful. So, under the astonishment of all eyes, I entered the church calmly.The pastor made a special announcement to everyone, thinking it is the grace of the Lord, because my attitude of criticizing religion is well known. This time I used a different strategy, proactively attending choir, bible study, showing up on time, attending church.I listen carefully and observe carefully, and do not express my opinions easily. Indeed, religion can purify the mind and lead people to be good. All kinds of activities occupy everyone's time and energy.All believers can unite in the same environment, exchange their own experiences, and cultivate their dispositions. I have always been partial to music, have a strong reading ability, and can sing any part, so I quickly brought up the choir.Everyone is very satisfied with my performance. Xiao Wu knows that I am for her, and often shows a little concern in his eyebrows. In addition to not being able to compliment the Bible, I felt the power of Christianity, and I was sincerely grateful for the peace and joy I received in those days. Man is a kind of closed institution, whose heart is completely isolated from the outside world, and communicates with others only by attitude and language.And language itself is just a tool formed by people in mutual agreement and common experience.Because everyone's experience is different, the inner feelings are very different.因此，雖然是同一種語言，同一種定義的字彙，實際上對每一個人所產生的感受都不一樣。 比如說，愛國是一種值得尊敬的品德。當我們說某人很愛國時，聽者根據其本身的經驗，有的會認為這個人很了不起，令人肅然生敬；有的則認為這不過是種狹隘的地域觀念；有人聽了，會覺得羨慕，效法其舉止言行；也有人心生嫉妒，認為言過其實。總而言之，人人都或多或少有著不同於他人的感受。 愛國只是人性本能的發揮，人愛自己，由自己向外延伸。而與自己最接近的人或事物，所能帶來的利害影響最大，因之，愛及恨的程度也就最深。國家是生存的環境，人成長在其中，生活習慣、語言行為、思想觀念等，無不與之息息相關。人之所以愛國，實際上就是愛自己所熟知的一切，失去了這些，人將一無所有。 同理，不愛國也是基於人性本能，當一個人的己利受到損害，而其利益的認知又凌越一切。在人的經驗中，生活習慣、觀念認知等都可以改變，只有自我中心的意識型態是利益的唯一根源。這時，人就陷於主觀的意識中，對自己有了不同的定義。認定這個國家不是自己的，而採用一切手段維護自己。 每個人的經驗及遭遇往往有異於別人，有的一切順利，有的則不斷受到挫折，而絕大多數的人是得失參半。在各種條件下，人們對處身的環境就有了不同的感受。但不論如何，人只要是依賴其生存的環境，就會懷抱著希望，有愛、有恨、有怨、有氣，無不以自己本身的利害關係作為判斷標準。 很明顯的，在一個龐大的國家中，各種情況都有可能發生。人的經驗越多，其複雜性越高。愛國雖是本能，而各人所感受的、所表現的方式，就有著極大的分別。常有人說，年輕人最愛國，正是因為他們的實際經驗不多，心中抱著希望及幻想。事實上真正最愛國的，應該是在這個國家中獲得利益（包括了精神及物質等）最大的人，或是離開了這個環境，就不能維持其生活者。 由於觀念及語言溝通上的隔閡，人的心智被孤立在自己的身體中，就像永生禁錮在黑獄中的死囚。喜、怒、哀、樂起滅不定，他必須獨自咀嚼，無人能夠共享。他的認知和理念，如同寒夜濃霧中的露滴，既無法捕捉，也得不到印証。他努力向外追尋，心靈的感受卻透不過那厚重的牆壁，充其量只能在小小的窗口中，偷窺到一絲夜色。他惶恐了，聲嘶力竭的呼號，而這號聲對別的禁錮者而言，不過是遠處傳來的囈語罷了。 無止無盡的孤獨就是煉獄，人的心靈面對著所不知的一切，有如處身在黑暗的陌生環境中，不安、恐懼接踵而至。為了求生，人只有依循本能的指引，其所行所為，在別人的立場看來，便是自私自利。在經驗中，人認識到人是自私的，可是很少有人會認為自己同別人一樣。畢竟在黑牢之中，只有他自己是活生生的，有具體的需求，有真切的感受，別人呢？只是一團朦朦朧朧的影子罷了。 當人認識到別人自私的真相以後，所有的希望都幻滅了。渺小無助的自我，在未來茫茫的前途中，有誰能為之解困釋疑呢？有誰能寄以信任希望呢？ 幼年時，人們還能信任父母、師長、朋友，及至經驗漸增，才發現他們也都是人。由於人不可能滿足別人所有的需求，有些人便把希望寄托在制度、主義及國家社會等大環境上。然而，主義制度要由人來闡釋執行，國家社會也是由各種各樣思想意見不同的人所組成，人越多，值得信賴的程度就越低。 人不能永遠生活在這種惶恐、不安的環境中，早期的人類曾將未知的各種現象，一律推委給超人類的神。因為神不是人，超然於人世，與人沒有利害衝突，不會有私心，是絕對可以信任的。有些智者更進一步將神的觀念系統化，認為神是宇宙之真理，用祂的法則來限制人類所有的心智活動及行為。 這一來，只要人願意相信，在主觀中，神就已經存在了。人可以用自己的觀念與主觀中的神溝通，利用信念來印証自己的認知。終於，孤寂中有了無所不在的良伴，黑暗之中有了光明，自己預期的答案成為真理。人在信仰的廕庇下，煩惱疑慮與恐懼減少了，平安快樂隨之而至。 信念是主觀世界極為重要的一種穩定力量，人能夠平安幸福地度過一生，沒有疑惑，沒有徬徨，又有什麼不妥的呢？宗教是人類最原始的活動之一，如果沒有存在的價值，在科學昌明的今天，還會有人深信嗎？可是，只因為有人相信，宗教就是真理了嗎？瞭解了宗教的本質，如果我們不能提出更理想的答案，來滿足人心的需求，那反而不如任人深浸在誠敬的宗教行為中為佳。 至於小吳，我對她確曾有過幻想，與其說是男女之愛，倒不如視作一種精神的寄托。我並沒有夢想過與她成雙成對，我知道我不配，越是接近她，越是自慚形穢。她的衣服總是乾淨整潔，頭髮一絲不亂；坐著，她身體挺直，頭略向左歪，穩重而嫵媚；走起路來，一步一步，婀娜生姿；說話時，輕聲細語，音浪傳不過三個人。 剛剛相反，不用照鏡子，我就知道自己滿臉是青春豆，頭髮從來沒梳過，有似一堆鋼絲。衣服不用再描述了，坐沒坐相，走沒走相，說起話來，聲震屋瓦。我憑什麼還要追她呢？我只是要給自己找一個值得奉獻的對象，有很多潛力必須去壓榨才能發揮，而唯有在心甘情願之下，我才會驅策自己。 在大二，我創立了荻苑藝社，但是卻沒有情緒去作畫；我做了銅管樂隊隊長，只是供學校裝飾，在各個儀式及升降旗時，吹吹打打一番。我很想珍惜這些機會，可是，誰來做觀眾、聽眾？大家所關心的是有什麼出路，種什麼瓜？得什麼果？藝術音樂不是泥土中可以培養的，怎能期望有什麼收穫？ 我們曾辛辛苦苦的辦畫展，參觀的人不及工作的人多，得不到共鳴，就提不起興趣。所以，為了自己，假如有一個人能接受我的奉獻，我會把那股熱情化為狂飆，發揮到無盡至高的領域，去與那些特級大師一爭短長。 不幸是我的影子，在一次偶然的機會中，當我聽到小吳批評我：又臭又髒時，正因為是事實，而又是我所不願面對的事實，我氣餒了。不是因為得不到她的垂青，而是氣餒於自己太天真，脫離現實，把她靈性化了，忘了她有眼睛也有鼻子。 我變得很消沉，深恨自己無法擺脫在電影、小說裡看到的才子佳人的綺念，我是才子嗎？我有什麼才？把一顆心懸在知己的依賴上，空自蹉跎了寶貴的時光，即使是天才，也將埋沒終生。更何況我自命追求真理，難道真理是為了展現自己美麗的羽毛？ 同學們傳說我失戀了，我沒有辯解。不久，有位英俊瀟灑的男同學出現在她身邊，他們有如一對金童玉女，出雙入對。我並沒有嫉妒，因為這件事觸發了我心底的另一個謎團，我必須趁這次的機會面對它，瞭解它。 人類之所以能延續至今，心理的適應力是相當重要的因素，遠在以宗教彌補心理的不平衡之前，造物主就設計了一種彈性極大的適應方式。人的本能是趨利避害的，但是人心對利害的認知，卻是在環境遭遇中比較、學習得來。 人與人之間的矛盾爭執，絕非僅始於物質文明的濫觴，原始部落為了地盤、奴隸以及男女關係，強者早就駕凌了弱者。強者享受其成果，生存機會當然多，可是絕對多數的弱者一樣能生存下來。不僅是人類，所有生物皆然。所不同的是，我們知道人受到心的支配，如果能瞭解弱者的心態，將對人類社會有莫大的幫助。 對任何個人而言，在遇到不同的事件時，其處理能力或強或弱，不一而足。因此這種弱者心態應該是人人都有，只是其程度之差別，依各人的際遇而定。 我早在初中時就為王度廬的俠情小說掉了不少同情之淚，後來又迷上了翻譯小說，如小仲馬的《茶花女》，狄更生的《苦海孤雛》，托爾斯泰的《安娜卡列尼娜》，雨果的《悲慘世界》以及哥德的《少年維特的煩惱》等。 到我陶醉電影時，幾部膾炙人口如同：翠堤春曉，魂斷藍橋，鐘樓怪人，雙城記等，也無不令我盪氣迴腸，骨蝕魂銷。我看了一次又看一次，沉醉不已。 當然，這與我身受的遭遇有絕對的因果關係。但所難理解的是，分明人們不願接受痛苦，卻又為什麼這樣自甘作踐；明知是悲傷哀痛的情節與結局，卻又趨之若鶩呢？ 到高二時，我看到一本介紹希臘三大悲劇以及莎士比亞作品的書，書中說喜愛悲劇是人性的本能，當時我很同意這種理論。可是，一天天深入地追究人性後，發覺這句話很難理解。所謂本能是說人生而有之的功能，而人性則是指有別於人之生理、僅屬於人的心理之性質。換句話說，人性的本能就是人的心理形成之初，即具有的功能。 is it possible?姑不論人的心理何時形成，怎麼會具備喜愛悲劇的功能呢？ 悲劇又是什麼呢？難道只是天災人禍，生離死別，勾起人心同情的事件？這樣太平凡了，人生中充滿了不幸，自己都應付不及，哪還有心情去關心他人？ 所以悲劇的素材雖然離不開前面所述的情景，但是透過寫作的技巧，要揭櫫的主旨卻是此一不幸事件的因果關係以及探討人性與環境的互動，讓讀者警怵於一些必然的、不可避免的過程。正因為是必然的，所以人覺得可悲，正因為是不可避免的，所以成為人世間令人盪氣迴腸的悲劇！ 這時，小吳有了男朋友，我可以說是一個悲劇的當事人了。但是有何可悲之處呢？我分明知道，我們之間先天就有一道鴻溝，是我不自量力，要往懸崖下跳的。假如真正寫成劇本的話，最多只能算做一場鬧劇。 既然自知不是悲劇，我自己為什麼又感到萬般悲傷呢？我又捫心自問，我真的悲傷嗎？其實不是，最荒謬的是，我居然發現自己是種自艾自憐的心態。Not bad at all!我雖然很希望得到她，但是心底還有一種聲音，得不到更好！ 很顯明的，人所喜愛的悲劇必然與己身的利害無關。所以我喜愛悲劇，並不等於喜歡悲劇發生在我的生命中。當人看一本書或是一場電影時，他所期望的是在這段時間中，能將自己的感受投入，與當事人溶合為一。更進一步，還能由此得到一些事態的認知，給予他一些思索、探尋的信息。 也就是說，在那一剎，讀者或觀眾化為悲劇中假設的當事人。根據其主觀的體會，心理上產生了各種感受。然而人又明確的知道，這種感受不是事實，只要自己願意，可以隨時抽身返回真實世界。 沒有一個人不是活在過去的經驗中，而過去的經驗就是主觀的體會。所謂真實世界，指的是當前客觀存在的真實體。人生往返於過去及現在這兩個世界中，不論其中哪一個難以忍受，都可以逃到另一個世界。 這也是適者生存的法則之一，只有如此，人才能適應既有的生存環境。然而，除了消極的適應環境之外，還有積極的、自我對環境控制所產生的抗力。這種抗力更帶著典型的悲壯色彩，即使同樣是逃避，卻顯得轟轟烈烈。 例如說，一部慘烈的戰爭影片，對身歷其境的人，也就是曾有主觀體會者而言，是一部不折不扣的悲劇。如果其人創痛過深，控制不了自己的情緒，他不會感到愉快；但影片所喚起的回憶，能使他重返那些已經消失、不可能再發生的過去經歷中，雖然痛苦，但卻更能襯托出今日的幸福。 再對反抗性極為堅強的人說來，戰爭所帶來的痛苦是實，為了要避免這種痛苦，最好是研究瞭解戰爭的本質。所以，當這部電影上演時，他會懷著悲壯的情緒，慷慨激昂地從各個角度來欣賞。 我屬於哪一種人呢？好像都不是，再深一層分析，悲劇對人的影響力尚不止於此。我是失戀了，失戀是痛苦的。從本能上來說，人應該逃避痛苦，如果不能逃避，就會帶來煩惱、妒恨，有些人甚會激起暴力的行為。 奇怪的是，我很能享受這種特殊的感受，每想到她，心裡微微的酸楚。一種永恒的淒涼如影隨形的黏附在身邊的事物上，似真似幻地，直如隔著一片薄紗。我已分不清究竟失戀的是我，還是我所看到的另一個角色。 我常常沉浸在這種感受中，無精打采地踽踽而行。同學們投來的眼光，我直覺的認為是一種同情和關懷。尤其在寒夜裡，淡淡的月色下，我獨自倚著椰子樹榦，任憑回憶載著我，遁離了現實。那種心情頗能與李清照的尋尋覓覓，冷冷清清，悽悽慘慘戚戚，乍暖還寒時節，最難將息相映合。 我甚至還希望有人看見，希望同學們竊竊偷笑，更希望小吳知道。這又是為什麼呢？或許是希望和她分享一點碧海青天夜夜心的心境吧！ 再回憶過去，記得初中時，父親把我的光頭打得墳丘累累，上學時就有過這種類似的感受。就如一個在台上表演的藝人，觀眾的投入和共鳴，才是他最大的報償。這種心理我認為是一種主題的轉移，也就是下意識的，把無法避免、或不可能擁有的現實，導引到有利於自己、心理上有所補償的方向，去捕捉那一剎的感受。 還有一點，就是美化的聯想。我看過太多的悲劇，當事件發生在自己身上時，便勾起了過去所感受的那種美感。再次把自己置於那如泣如訴，有情有淚的氣氛中。凡此種種，使我不再感到失去了什麼。相反地，我覺得很充實，維特本來只是書中的傳奇人物。而現在，我就是他，小吳成了我的夏綠蒂。 仔細分析，我發現自我的感受與實際發生的事件之間，並沒有絕對的關係。不論什麼事件，也不論人的認知如何，人的感受經常是來自過去經歷所醱酵的結果。就像人對食物的認知一樣，人總以為食物有美好的滋味。事實上人與食物之間，有種極為複雜而微妙的關係。這種關係是建立在酵母菌上，是酵母菌先將食物醱酵分解，人的感官才能接受，身體的器官才能吸收、消化。 所以，人要先具備了酸甜苦辣的經驗，才能領略人生的真實感受。一種方式是由實際的經驗中獲得，但是其所得淺薄，所見所知常流於主觀。另一種則是透過文字戲劇，從別人的經驗中去汲取，再經過自己的想像期望，用作醱酵的客觀參考。 有人說失敗為成功之母，我則認為理性是失敗者的專利。人唯有在失敗之後，在悲痛之餘，才會收起痛楚的感受，潛心檢討，認知事物之理。 世人僅知歆羨成功者、得利者，我則剛剛相反，權且稱之為弱者心態罷。這種心態可把難以忍受的苦痛，轉化成為脫離現實的幻思，從而解除了內心的壓力，免於受到傷害。再從正面來看，不論什麼樣的競爭，冠軍僅有一個，得者少，失者多。這個世界是多數失敗者努力堆砌起來的，悲劇是弱者的謳歌，也是弱者的庇護所。 其實，人世中沒有絕對的強者。人人都有脆弱的一面，弱者心態正是造物給人類設計，防衛內心受到傷害的武器。更有意義的是，越是在學習的早期經驗中建立這種內心的堡壘，人的韌性越強，抵抗力越大，從而平衡了人間不公平的遭遇。 至少，我是在這種心態中成長的，頗能領略其中奧妙，從而到達自我解脫的境地。古往今來，一些偉大的心靈能把他們個人不幸的遭遇，昇華成為傳世不朽的作品，或是令人歌泣的行為、事跡，我相信也出於這種弱者心態。 同時我也認為，強者是實際利益的獲得者。除非能受到弱者心態的洗禮，否則在絕對的享受、歡樂中，缺乏客觀的醱酵，將無法接觸到人性深藏的心靈，更不可能體會到個中美妙逾恒的顫慄。 正因為不曾自命為強者，我不至於妒恨，更不會憤怒。相反地，每當我默默地吞噬孤獨的苦果時，心中自比為小說中的主人翁。那種令人眩醉、美幻、冷艷、淒迷的感受，在另外一度時空中，與哥德、雨果、托爾斯泰登臨同一境界。 我有幸能體驗到為人所忽略的、人心的另一面，藉之對自己瞭解更深。也很慶幸在短暫的人生旅途中，親身領受了各種心態。珍懷著這些美麗的回憶，直到畢業前，對小吳最後的一瞥，由衷地期望她生活幸福。 我希望普天之下的弱者，快快拋棄掉惱人的悲痛吧！世界這個舞台正是為弱者所設的。所謂的強者只不過是坐在台下一動都不動的觀眾群。他們的生活太刻板、枯燥，期待著台上的表演，為他們擠幾滴清淚，好滌除世俗的塵埃！