Chapter 18 4. Rainwater

Fresh green, colorful, struggling, regretful During the two years of my life in the Conservatory of Music, I had blossomed emotionally, but just like all beautiful music, the song ended.Only in the quiet late night, when the door of memory opened, did I realize that there was still a lingering sound and a faint fragrance in my heart. Initially, my crush was Carlo, the contestant I had spotted at the concert.She is of mixed race, with a graceful and demure appearance, with hair hanging down to her shoulders and a slender figure.Whenever she sits in front of the piano, and a series of crisp notes flow out from her slender fingertips, my poor heart will vibrate and turn into a wisp of smoke, climbing towards the ethereal snow peak.

At that moment, I couldn't tell whether it was the music holding me, or I was embracing her.I don't know whether my body is flying in the sky or wandering in the land of tenderness.There are only endless joys and endless comforts, and the whole soul is immersed in indescribable fantasies.She loves to play Chopin, Liszt, Schumann, etc., as long as her piano sounds, no matter where I am doing, I will sit down, close my eyes, follow her notes, and fly to her place. beside. After the students knew about it, they told me that she was engaged, but what does it matter?It never occurred to me to possess her.Even in this kind of resentful music, a little sadness and a little helplessness can add to the elegant beauty.I have long been used to hiding in the illusion far away from reality, where there are no traces of people, and I will not be trampled cruelly by human nature.

One day, I was lying on the grass downstairs, moved by her piano sound, and shed two lines of tears.Suddenly, a familiar call interrupted me: Zhu!Are you hurting unrequited love again? I opened my eyes and saw Eloisa, arguably the most beautiful girl I've ever known in my life.She also majored in piano and was a mezzo-soprano in the choir, also engaged.His fiancé, Mario, came to pick her up at school every day, and we often chatted together, and she always laughed at me for not having the courage to snatch Carlo over. Without waiting for my answer, she put the music score in her arms on the grass, and simply sat down too.

Waiting for Mario?I sat up and wiped my eyes dry. Ah, no, he has a dance today, so he won't come. prom?Then why don't you go?Looking at her leisurely and leisurely look, it seems that it has nothing to do with it. Why do I have to go? Are you not afraid of him being with someone else? At the ball, we all danced in our own way. What difference does it make if we go or not? At least you were there!I am a man, and I know men are unreliable. I set him free in exchange for my freedom. To be free, then why be engaged? It is our custom that if a girl is not engaged at the age of sixteen, others will make fun of her.

If you are engaged, will you definitely get married? She smiled, her eyebrows were thick, curved and long, and her eyes became slits when she smiled, which was playful and charming. She said: Engagement is engagement, marriage is marriage, I will not marry that idiot Mario! It's inconvenient for me to ask again, to be honest, I dare not chase her.She was too lively, too bright, like Natasha, ready to fall into another's arms at any moment. I have a wish, can you fulfill me?She asked me with bright eyes.My heart skipped a beat, wondering what she would ask for?She noticed my hesitation, and laughed again: Don't worry, everyone knows that you only have one Carlo in your heart.Just because I saw your stupid face crying just now, I want to take a closer look at your eyes.

my eyes?What's so good about it?I really can't figure out what kind of idea this naughty girl is planning. I am taking psychology as an elective. The professor said that each race has different aesthetics. You orientals have small eyes. Can you let me study it? This is new, before the public, let a beautiful girl come face to face to study my eyes, how decent is this?I hesitated and asked: How do you plan to study the Fa? You just take off your glasses, look at me, and let me get a good look. I took off my glasses as I said, and she approached her eyes, and really looked at me like a small animal in the laboratory.Her clear eyeballs, under the long and dense eyelashes, kept rolling.There is a deep black hole in the center of the pupil, hiding an extremely curious soul, as if exploring the supreme mysteries of the universe.Especially at this moment when our eyes meet and our breaths meet, her aura almost seems to swallow me up.

strangeness!You don't have eyelashes?She was very serious: Do you think our eyelashes are ugly? It's not that I don't have eyelashes, it's just that the upper eyelids are too thick and distracting, covering the eyelashes.In fact, I think my eyes are ugly. Your eyeballs are only half exposed. Could it be that, as people say, you can only see a thin slit? This is a ridiculous question that Brazilians often ask me, and I have a perfect answer, but I can't bear to make fun of her, so I have to ask: What do you think? I'm studying psychology, you have to answer my questions.

I see you, but it's not a slit, I can't decide. Then you can honestly say, do you like my big eyes?Do you think I'm beautiful? In good conscience, your big eyes are very beautiful! real?She smiled happily, her eyes narrowed into a slit. I don't have to lie to you. Well, this proves our professor is wrong.She sat up straight with satisfaction, and I put on my glasses. What did you say wrong? Because according to his theory, your Chinese aesthetics are different from ours. You should like small eyes, but I should like big eyes.But you think my big eyes are beautiful, but I think your small eyes are beautiful.

Do you want to hear my theory?I am very moved by her empirical spirit. I never imagined that she would earnestly explore the mysteries of the human heart even though she is usually innocent. Of course, Mario majored in psychology, but he always said I was too young to discuss these issues with me. Your professor only talks about superficial phenomena What is a surface phenomenon? That refers to phenomena that have not been analyzed and verified. Every phenomenon has a root cause hidden under the surface. By the way, I just want to know these root causes, so I choose psychology. You always know what experience is, right?

Experience is the memory of human beings' life experiences.She answered quickly, as if she was taking a test. So, what is the difference between experience and memory? She opened her eyes wide and thought and thought, and finally said ashamedly: I know it's different, but I can't say it. Memory is the basic function of the brain, which is to record some incoming electrical pulses in the cerebral cortex.In addition to memory, experience also requires an understanding of concepts.That is to say, the relationship between experience and one's own feelings is beneficial and harmful, while memory is just some data.

Like a well-behaved elementary school student, she nodded while listening. I went on to say: familiar experience is equivalent to a favorable basis for survival, so having affinity is a prerequisite for aesthetics.However, an unchanging environment can also cause people to lose the motivation to identify stimuli.Therefore, the living body is constantly pursuing various changes, let's call it novelty or variability, and it is the dimensional factor that leads to aesthetic feeling. For example, a little red in the green bushes is the beauty of contrast.The flying egrets in the green mountains and clear waters belong to dynamic changes, and the morning fog and sunset glow are even more elusive and changing beauty. In a closed environment, people's experience has a certain range, so the concept of beauty and ugliness is limited to a certain experience.However, in an open environment, people's experience is broadened, and the limits of beauty and ugliness are relatively expanded.For example, I think you are the most beautiful girl I know. You lied to me!She interrupted me immediately. no!I'm not lying to you, I mean I'm clearly giving an example, although it's a bit of an excuse, but she wants to bring it back to the topic, this girl is really difficult. You think Carlo is the prettiest!She smiled slyly. No, these are two different things, Carlo is not beautiful. Then, because you can't get it, you feel elusive beauty!She proudly quoted what I said earlier. Don't guess, I never wanted her. You lied to me again, you men like to lie!She was obviously more proud. I don't know how to explain it, but looking at the look in her eyes, she is clearly teasing me, playing with the prey in her claws.I decided to ignore it and keep talking. If tomorrow I see another beautiful girl and look back at you, chances are your beauty will fade.I saw a trace of sadness on her face, I smiled at her deliberately, and then said: Of course, I may think you are more beautiful, because my experience has changed again. She was silent for a while, thought for a moment, and said quietly: Then, beauty is not absolute, right? Unfortunately, you are right, the senses work in dynamic things, and human experience changes more or less from day to day.No matter how beautiful or ugly a person is, if he looks at it every day, his sense of beauty will change over time.Therefore, beauty can only temporarily attract others, but cannot always rely on it.For us Chinese, visual beauty is like flowers in a mirror or the moon in water, neither of which is real. In particular, there is an absolute relationship between beauty and purpose. Taking sexy as an example, delicate and elastic skin is called youthful beauty for sensual enjoyment.But can people keep youth forever?Besides, people's wisdom is directly proportional to their age. When people grow up, they will appreciate the beauty of rationality.And under the delicate and tender skin, if it's just a puddle of pus and blood, it's not only unsightly, but also hard to avoid! I feel very cruel, how can I tell the truth in front of such a young and charming little girl who is showing off her beauty? However, in the real world, people spend too much time and energy on grooming their appearance.Once the beauty fades, or people get tired of looking at it, people start to pursue another dream.What she is proud of in front of her is the beauty that cannot stand the test of ruthless time.If I can inspire some time-honored concepts under her beautiful appearance, so that she can gain more psychological understanding on the road of life, I will not be in vain as a friend. I still don't understand, what is beauty?If it's false, why does everyone love it? The sky was getting dark gradually, the afterglow of the setting sun brushed her light and thin body, and the evening wind blew the tips of her soft hair, really like a fragile little flower. It's getting late, it's time to go back, we can talk while walking.I felt a slight chill, and although I was reluctant to leave, I was worried that she would catch the cold. She picked up the sheet music, her petite body snuggled up beside me, looking up at me: Do you think I'm ignorant?Asking you silly questions? I couldn't help stretching out my hand, and took the opportunity to put it on her shoulders, and she also fell on my chest.Warm and warm, soft and soft, a heat soaked through the thin shirt, merging with each other into one.Immediately, man and nature were in harmony, I was distracted, reason and sensibility were constantly arguing, and neither gave way.What else is there to talk about?Isn't this just what I think about day and night, and it's a rare scene in my dreams? The problem is that I am too serious, Mario can be regarded as a friend, how can I win the love of a friend?Besides, I am unrequitedly in love with Carlo. Although I don't have any expectations, but one thing has not come to an end, how can I change my mind? Although Aloisa is lovely, she is not the object I can cling to. She is a delicate rose that needs fertile land and plenty of sunshine.And I am a whirlwind flying all over the sky, the direction of flow is uncertain, unless there is a major change, it is impossible for me to settle down at present.What about the future?Don't forget, my purpose is to pursue the truth of life, not to pursue the opposite sex! As for her?Who knows what she is thinking?A Chinese with small eyes, fun?novel?So today, what about tomorrow?Seeing that she treats Mario normally, she also looks like a little bird.It is very likely that I just had a quarrel and used me for entertainment. How can I be serious about this kind of thing? I know that the accumulation of decades, the feelings in my heart have reached the critical point of collapse.Once this kind of flame is ignited, it is difficult to extinguish.The current relationship between the two of them, at this moment, is extremely beautiful!If it is kept in the memory forever, it can be used endlessly for a lifetime; but if the beautiful soap bubbles are burst, what is left? Maybe I'm a coward, but I'm proud of my cowardice, I can't hurt others, and I don't want to hurt myself.On the other hand, I haven't found anything worth fighting for, so it's hard to decide.The moon is full and the moon is short, hanging in the sky forever, for people to admire; flowers bloom and wither, even if they are gorgeous for a while, they are hard to see after withering and withering.Some people only look at the eyes, but I firmly believe that my knowledge is superficial, and what I see is nothing but illusion. It's easy to say, but it's much harder to push aside the sweet girl who is nestled in my chest and makes my heart rise and fall.In any case, I can't hurt her, and I can't make her feel that I have rejection.In fact, I have no ability to refuse her at all. Her hair fragrance is like thousands of silks, which penetrate from the tip of my nose to the bottom of my heart. well!Eloisa, do you know that a life-and-death battle is breaking out in my heart right now?Regardless of victory or defeat, I will be the one who will be trampled! Long-term pain is worse than short-term pain, I'd better concentrate, bring the topic back, let's talk about beauty!With a firm mind and a clear mind, I followed what I said just now, calmed down, and murmured. What you asked is not stupid. Many people think they understand, but they don't understand at all.All of our human knowledge is currently only based on some vague concepts.If we cannot clearly classify and define these concepts, human beings will always be ignorant.Only those who can ask questions can know what they don't know, which is not ignorance.That's why our old Confucius said: Know what you know, know what you don't know, and know what you don't know. You Chinese think too much, why take these things seriously!She was uninterested and said lazily. I remember my younger sister said something similar, as if girls don't like to discuss ideas.But she was the one who asked first!I am answering her question, how can I not be serious? correct!At first, she was just looking for a topic, but now that she can talk about it, what she needs is further action, and the topic is not important.However, I must persevere, at least observe her reaction first, to see if she has some wisdom under her good looks? So, I decided to conquer her with a long speech! This is the great principle of life. From the past to the present, many people have tirelessly explored and researched throughout their lives, and have left many records.I'm just ignorant, and I know a little bit of superficiality.These concepts are not necessarily correct, but I will continue to pursue them unswervingly until I find them. I think you are right, no wonder we have a saying: to find smart people, go to China.Tell me why the Chinese are thinking all this?She was impatient, kicking the fallen leaves on the ground with her toes like a child. Where do people come from?Where to go?why are we aliveHow can we live happily?Haven't you thought about it?I asked aggressively. She fell silent, tilted her head, and remained motionless. After a while, she said softly: Of course I thought about it, but I still can't figure it out, please tell me. If only I knew, because this is a big problem, people have been exploring and pursuing it for thousands of years.Take beauty as an example. Everyone loves beauty, but few people know the true meaning of beauty. We cling to each other, slowly walking on the trail among the trees, stepping on the rustling leaves, isn't this just beautiful?I was supposed to enjoy it, but it turned out to be counterproductive, and what I heard in my ears was like talking in my sleep. The warm body is divorced from reality, and the mechanical voice is booming non-stop: beauty is a feeling, which is beneficial to the survival of living organisms, so the beauty of people can be said to be the power of life.The conditions of existence are often affected by changes in the external environment and become part of experience.Sensations come from different senses, therefore, beauty involves the nature of the senses as well as the objective and subjective experience of the individual. More broadly speaking, beauty can be divided into sensory experience and spiritual experience.The beauty of the soul cannot be expressed in words, at least I can't do it yet.Like now, I feel this beauty deeply.There was a rush of heat in my heart, and I couldn't control myself any more. I lowered my head, and she happened to raise her head too.Like being electrocuted, both of us shook involuntarily. In a hurry, I turned my head immediately, and the lifeless, flat, blunt voice was still in my ears. The sensory perception of beauty means that when the sensory organs receive external stimuli, if certain factors in the past experience are met, we will get the perception of beauty.There are three prerequisites for this: the first is inevitability, or a sense of security, because in experience we learn that all things have their necessary qualities.If any feeling is different from the quality we are used to, then there will be a feeling of uneasiness in the heart, let alone beauty. However, the characteristics of things are infinitely changing, and what people can understand is extremely limited.Therefore, the so-called inevitability depends entirely on the scope that can be reached by the individual.And take the women I saw as an example. In my experience, women have certain characteristics of women.Assume that from my birth, all the women I have seen have a certain grotesque image.Then, the characteristics of those grimaces are equivalent to my cognition of the inevitability of women.At this time, if I see a normal woman, I will think she is abnormal, and of course it is even less likely to find her attractive like you see me, huh?She looked up between my wrists and made a face.I deeply hate myself for being pedantic. Under such circumstances, how could it be possible to put on an old face and talk nonsense about aesthetics?However, since I have decided to take this path a long time ago, facing the test of Eloisa today, I can't just lose in a fight. This is the closed concept we just discussed.I also made a grimace, and said hard-heartedly: The second point is compromise. It is absolutely impossible for people to have the same appearance and body.Extreme shapes often deviate from inevitable experience, and only compromised shapes make people feel kind.I believe you must have seen fashion exhibitions or new clothes presentations I don't like those fashions, they look weird, I don't know how anyone likes them? The real purpose of fashion exhibitions is not to make you like the fashions on display. Of course, some people buy them for the sake of fashion and innovation, but that has nothing to do with beauty. Then why the exhibition? This is the best proof of eclecticism. The main purpose of fashion exhibition is to change people's aesthetic view of clothing.Businessmen deliberately design some extreme clothing, you may not like it, but naturally, your aesthetic standards for clothing will change, a trend will be formed, and the fashion industry will be able to launch a large number of new clothing. Hurrah!Are you saying I was cheated?She shook off my arm, turned around, and stood in front of me, pouted and stared at me playfully. My hands have long been numb, but I dare not move.Now being thrown by her, it suddenly seemed as if there were tens of thousands of ants rushing into the capillaries of the arm, the numbness was unbearable. She noticed it immediately, and asked with concern: how?Are your hands numb? No!It's numb.I was being playful on purpose to divert her attention. Her expression changed thousands of times, and in an instant, there were pieces of tenderness, and she was distressed and flustered at the same time.Facing my hand, it was like a soap bubble that was about to burst when I blow it. I dared not touch it, and I was foolishly anxious. All my defense lines have failed, and the Great Wall that I worked so hard to build, after her gust of wind blows, I can't even find a trace.Eloise!Eloise!Are you cuter than the truth? Who is not deceived?After seeing you, not only my aesthetics, but also my outlook on life were deceived. ah?So you say, which part of me is too extreme?When she smiled, it was as if the whole universe was unfolding, and the fragrance and sweetness extended endlessly. You are not extreme at all, your figure is absolutely necessary for me.If it were any higher, I wouldn't be able to put my hand on your shoulder.Your nose is higher than that of an orangutan and a little lower than that of an elephant; although your eyes are big, they are not like the copper bells I have seen; although your eyebrows are thick, they are not as thick as a broom. It turns out that you are scolding me, but there is something wrong, I have never seen anyone with smaller eyes than you! So you don't think my eyes are beautiful, you just find them novel. You are right, but after watching too much? Then you will get used to it, but it still won't be beautiful.As for the third point, it is associative. In human experience, all feelings are often mixed with each other.Say, for example, that you have disliked someone whose features you did not notice yourself but associated with the unpleasant experience.Once you see another person who has the same features and triggers your subconscious unhappiness, you will not find him beautiful no matter if he is a public lover or a movie star. According to what you said, whether you are beautiful or not is just a matter of getting used to it, and you still haven’t mentioned why everyone loves beauty. Habit is a necessary factor for people to adapt to the environment, while love of beauty is based on association, and beauty can evoke pleasant feelings in people.Generally speaking, people's senses are passive, and they often rely on external stimuli, except for a very small number of people who can control themselves.When the stimulation comes, people's feelings will fluctuate and focus, otherwise they will feel bored, boring and boring.As for external stimuli, of course, they will be loved by people if they can cause a pleasant response. correct!She cried out suddenly: I know why I think your little eyes are beautiful! Have you seen some Chinese paintings?Those characters are all squinting. No!She looked at me slyly and said: When I was a child, I raised a cute little turtle, and its eyes were also small. Not only has my outlook on life changed, but my taste in music has also changed.Carlo's shadow gradually blurred, but Aloisa filled my ever-changing heart.What she played was not Chopin's music, but Beethoven's sonata; she was passionate and full of vitality.Whenever we are together, there are always endless topics to talk about, chattering, making the neighbors uneasy! Mario sensed the change in her, he stopped being late and giving us no chance to be alone.And Aloisa didn't seem to take it seriously, even though it was a threesome, she would always have one after another, endless questions.I just feel sorry for Mario, with a sad face and unable to speak, he followed us closely and endured silently. I am also very conflicted. Eloisa means more to me than just admiration.Since that long conversation, my perception of experience has changed a lot.She was the first person in my life who affirmed my value, accepted my thoughts, and drove me to constantly push myself to organize and organize some seemingly invisible concepts. Besides, for the first time in my life, I was honestly in a relationship if I didn't count my guilt towards Mario.She is the incarnation of ideals, the light that I dare not expect in many years of dreams; she is also my driving force, which can inspire and burn my light and heat.However, in my experience full of failures and misfortunes, a pessimistic and lingering thought constantly harassed me. is this real?does she really like meCould it be just a momentary curiosity?Do I have this blessing to get her?What about after getting it?Can I compromise with the secular society?Why should I provide her with a happy family?Can I forget my poor country?Can I give up my persistence from now on? All the answers are negative, but I can't deny the novelty, sweetness, and passion of her warm little head wriggling in my arms.It's just that I can still act like an old master, suppressing the power that has driven the evolution of the universe since ancient times, and talking non-stop. Obviously she didn't take it seriously, and even became more enthusiastic about me. No matter what life experience he has, if he has a companion in life, what more can I ask for?As for her youth and vivacity, isn't that exactly her advantage?And as of today, except for Mario, I haven't seen her having sex with anyone else.If she really loves me, why should I hesitate?Let's marry Brazil. China, which accounts for a quarter of the world's population, will be missing me? I think about her every day, and I am always waiting for her arrival. Only when I am with her can I feel happy and feel my own value.However, when I think of her, I can't get rid of Mario's sad expression. Why is he so tolerant?Why don't you challenge me?That may arouse my fighting spirit, let me overcome all difficulties, and make up my mind to fight for my rights. Selfish human nature, contradictory concepts, my heart is tied with a heavy plumb weight, and my body is full of love.Although I kept telling myself that based on ideals, living habits and various objective conditions, Aloisa should not belong to me; but I dragged it day by day, greedily enjoying the happiness that Mario lost. Eloisa didn't seem to feel at all that there were two unfortunate wretches beside her. Every afternoon when I came to the music academy to practice the piano, I sat by and drew her.When practicing chorus, we responded to each other and kept flirting with each other.Or it's two people who are dragged from the sky to the ground and stay together even for a moment.When it's time to leave school, Mario will be like a ray of ghosts, guarding the door stupidly.And when she smiled sweetly and left with Mario on her arm, my heart sank to hell, hating my cowardice while berating myself for my cruelty and selfishness. I drew a picture book for her, full of sketches and sketches, and everyone was full of praise when they read it.Especially in the group pictures of the choir practicing singing, the atmosphere is well controlled.Aloisa stood in the center, her eyes were staring forward, her mouth was slightly open, and her face was glowing with holy light.The background is other classmates, all kinds of postures and expressions are outlined with thick lines, which further brings out her sweetness and solemnity. Originally, I planned to give her the picture album, but I was always reluctant to part with it, and wanted to keep the book as a souvenir.I was still playing the trumpet in a nightclub at night to earn some living expenses.Aloisa knew that my financial situation was not good, so she specially introduced me to paint for her relatives and friends. She painted three oil portraits, and the best one sold for one hundred dollars.For this reason, I also wrote a letter to my father, expressing that the current life is still very good. One day, as we were walking along the avenue, she said to me: You have painted so many oil paintings for others, why don't you paint one for me? The one I want to draw most is you, but my skills are not mature enough.If I want to paint for you, I have to paint an immortal masterpiece, otherwise I will be sorry for your beauty. How long will we have to wait?I am getting old. What are you afraid of, I have drawn so many sketches for you, the purpose is to record your youth. But I hope you can draw me a nude painting, you didn't write down my body! Nude painting?I was taken aback, seeing her serious appearance, almost made me breathless: I have never painted on a real person! Haven't drawn yet?How can you be an artist? I'm not an artist, I just like to draw and record what I think is beautiful. So you mean my body is not beautiful enough?She deliberately puffed up Jiaoyuan's chest and made a provocative gesture towards me. no no.I felt hot on my face, and my heart beat wildly: I just dare not have any bad thoughts about you. What?That's a bad idea?She almost screamed, stared at me curiously, and asked suddenly: Have you ever seen a woman naked?Have you ever had sex with a woman? How can I answer her?Since the first time I was infected by a prostitute in Hualien, I have been afraid to approach the sex scene.I don't have a regular girlfriend. Although there is an urgent physical need, I always feel that this is my most private forbidden place, and I am cautious when I even fantasize about it. Just because I cherish it too much, I would rather endure the pain by myself if there is no one suitable for sharing.As for her, of course I fantasized about it, and thought about it day and night.However, whenever I think of her beauty, the ignorant Mario appears between her and me with a sad face! A gleam of pity and incomprehension flashed in her eyes, she moved a step closer to me, and said softly: No?Yes or no?Don't try to lie to me, I already guessed it. No, I had an experience before I came to Brazil, it was a prostitute let's not talk about it!I don't want to talk about it any further. I really don't understand, didn't you say you once had a very good girlfriend?Why seek a whore? Is it okay to have a girlfriend? Of course, why not?I can honestly tell you that I have had sex with two people besides Mario. What?I found that innocence was myself, and I thought of her as the embodiment of purity. I am a woman, am I not? You are a girl, not a woman. That's your definition, I love being a woman, God gave me a body, why not enjoy it? We grew up in different environments and of course have very different ideas, how could I expect her to be like me? Do you hate those two people? She shrugged and said, "It's fun, it was at a ball, I drank some wine, it doesn't matter who I am." What do you call making love?My emphasis is on love. If it's not called love, what else is it called? Afterwards, how did you feel when you did it with Mario? She opened her curious eyes again, and asked me: Do you want to know if I feel guilty? No, I hope you don't mind.I explained to her sincerely: This is the first time I have the opportunity to discuss this kind of issue with a person of the opposite sex. You know, in our society, these things are not allowed to be discussed. In fact, the same is true here, everyone does this, but no one discusses it. Right or wrong, wouldn't it be better if we could have a clearer sense of what we do? She took me to a tree and sat down, as if planning to have a good chat.She swept her loose hair to the sides, revealing a bright face, as if she was ready to be questioned, as if she was on an outing. Don't treat me as a woman, and I don't treat you as a man, just ask! I was very moved, and I held her little hands tightly. After a while, I said: Don't laugh at me. When I was in college, there was an outing, and a female classmate wanted to go to the bathroom.I asked her in a daze, what are you going to do in the toilet?Everyone made a joke about it, and it took me a long time to figure out what was going on.Probably I have read too many mythological novels, and I have always imagined certain women as the incarnation of angels, unlike us men, who have to eat and shit every day! She still smiled, laughing so hard that she fell into my arms, and a burst of warmth penetrated into my heart.After laughing for a while, she looked up and saw my embarrassing expression, she laughed again, beat my chest with her hand, and said: No wonder, you think of me as a plaster cast, don't you? I also found it funny and said: More or less I have this kind of thinking. There is a famous book in China called A Dream of Red Mansions. In the book, it is said that women are made of water and men are made of clay.I always regard women as fairies in the sky, and fairies don't eat fireworks in the world. So why are you looking for a whore? Don't mention that, in short, I have always wanted to find an ideal object in the world. So, if the fairy sees you eating and shitting, can she bear it? Of course, that's just hope, and I've lived my whole life in hope.Later, although I woke up from my dream, I embarked on this even more unrealistic path. She sat upright, facing me, stretched out her hand to straighten my face, and said solemnly: You shouldn't think like this, I don't have your high ideals, and I don't have that kind of ability.The road you want to take is not unrealistic, but there are not many people who can walk it. I hope you will not say that in the future. How much warmth, how much comfort, at this moment, all the bitterness has been compensated.Her affirmation of me is far more than any glory in the world. With such a confidante, what else can I ask for in life?My heart was beating violently, and my eyes were wet with tears. I hurriedly turned my head away and changed the subject. In my theory, happiness is a middle-level psychological phenomenon.When a baby is just born, due to changes in the environment, the external stimuli received by the sensory organs exceed the limit he can bear. This feeling is pain.At this time, it immediately leads to a large amount of adrenaline secretion, muscle tension, accelerated blood circulation, and increased oxygen consumption.These combined results cause the baby's larynx to constrict, breathe faster, and cry out. Our psychology professor said that babies cry to get attention.She is used to my long speeches, and she can often answer them fluently. careful!Arousing people's attention is a subjective phrase, and it is impossible for people to be subjective before they are conscious.After the baby has experience, formed a stimulus response pattern, and knows that crying can achieve the effect of relieving pain, he will use crying as a means. And only the relief of pain is happiness.I'm good at making sharp turns and getting back to the topic right away. You mean to say that there must be pain before there can be happiness? Yes, the higher the degree of pain, the longer it lasts, and the faster the relief, the stronger the feeling of pleasure. I disagree.Suppose, you buy ice cream for me to eat.Before I ate it, I was not in pain, but after I ate it, I also felt happy. That's because we have gotten used to the pain we have to endure through experience, and the sensitivity of sensory nerves is automatically reduced, so we don't feel pain.比如說，現在離妳上一次進食已經有幾個小時了，身體需要食物。只是妳已養成定時吃飯的習慣，所以不感到痛苦，並不表示沒有那種現象。 此外，現在的氣溫很高，為了減輕炎熱的痛苦，我們必須躲在樹蔭下聊天。如果這時有冰淇淋吃，身體溫度可以稍降，胃中的飢餓感也能減輕，這兩者都是痛苦的解除。也就是說，會令人感到快樂。 不妨想一想，如果妳剛吃得十分飽，或者天氣非常寒冷，再好吃的冰淇淋都不會讓妳快樂。再換個角度看，妳想吃冰淇淋，立刻就有，當然快樂；如果是想吃而吃不到，妳就會痛苦。而當妳感到非常痛苦時，才吃到冰淇淋，妳的快樂一定更高。就好像水閘一樣，壓力越大，水流的速度就越急越快。 照你的看法，我如果不想吃冰淇淋，就沒有痛苦了？ 對冰淇淋這件事而言，的確如此，但妳可能還有其他的需求。所以，中國人說：知足常樂。 我們常討論各種問題，她的悟性很高，很能領會我的觀念。她想了想，又說：有一點我還是不明白，現在你忍受著生理需求的痛苦，因為你相信將來會得到更大的快樂。是在什麼時候呢？是怎樣的對象呢？她總不會在哪裡等著你吧？ 不，只為了追求更大的快樂才忍受痛苦是不值得的，我也不敢奢望有什麼理想中的對象專門在等著我。可是，我最感到痛苦的並不是生理需求，而是精神上的壓迫。 與一個不喜歡的女人做愛，等於是野獸交尾，我受不了這心靈的折磨。因此，我寧願忍耐，等待適當的機會。到底人間還有很多有趣味的事物，我經常會被吸引，忽視了這種痛苦。 那你喜不喜歡我呢？ 當妳喜歡一個人的時候，妳希不希望他受到痛苦？我沒有正面回答。 of course not. 這就是我想與妳討論的原因，我要由妳的觀念瞭解妳的內心。因為我確知什麼是痛苦，相信能幫助妳免除它的傷害。 你喜不喜歡和我做愛？西方女性比較坦率，這也是我所難以適應的。這種事還要問嗎？一定要用語言表達嗎？中國人強調心有靈犀一點通，一種會心的、微妙的兩情相印，一種超出言表、不必用理性加以分析判斷的直覺認知，一出口就變質了！ 她急切地望著我，就像兒童期望著糖果一般！這可是禁果呀！她到底是生長在不同的環境中，我必須使用她所熟悉的語言，即使很不甘願。 當然喜歡。 No!你在騙我，我看得出來！剛剛還是艷陽高照的夏日，片刻之間，就撒下了滿地的秋霜。她把臉掉開，低下頭去，晶瑩的淚珠已經泫然欲滴。 怎麼會騙妳？我急了，一把抓住她的手，按在自己的心頭：我只是沒有經驗，沒有勇氣，還有，更是怕傷害了 我不知道應該怎樣啟口，才不會讓她難堪，我怕傷害她，也怕傷害馬里奧。可是這種話說出來以後，傷害力更大，顯然我話太多了。 果然，她用力把手抽了回去，瞪著眼質問我： 怕傷害誰？you say!我自認口才犀利，總算也有了詞窮的時刻。她得寸進尺，眼睛瞪得更圓了：怕傷害我？Yes or no?你如果不說實話，才真的會傷害到我！ 我真的喜歡我發誓我也急了。 what do you like?她絲毫不放鬆。 God!我怎能啟口呢？傳統的包袱、表達的習慣、習俗的禁忌等，在在都形成我心理的障礙。即使我願意擺脫這些影響，也需要一點適應的時間，怎可能一開口，就說得如魚得水般自然呢？ 你不必騙我，你們中國人有文化傳統、有智慧，哪會看得上我們這種她激動得再也忍不住，哭出聲來。 我忙把她摟進懷中，輕輕地撫慰著她秀長的頭髮，半開玩笑，半認真地，對著她的耳朵，悄悄地說： 別告訴任何人，我怕傷害的，是我爸爸！ 這一招相當有效，她眼睫毛上還沾著淚珠，卻是滿面狐疑。 這與你爸爸有什麼關係？ Of course there is!我故意賣個關子，裝著不好意思，扭捏了一陣子才說：因為第一次沒有成功，恐怕是我父親的種不好，如果証明是事實，當然會傷害到他。 她臉上的紅潮乍升，半嗔半羞。 你又在騙我了。 我已經想不起原來要談的主題了，可是那又有什麼重要呢？她調整了一下坐姿，將身體靠在樹榦上。 至少，你是第一個不喜歡我的人。she said quietly. 妳錯了，我喜歡妳，而且非常非常喜歡，我願意盡一切努力，爭取你的好感。我認為妳最可愛之處，在於沒有炫耀你天生的美色，在於妳肯學習，肯用頭腦。不然我會跟妳討論這些枯燥的理論嗎？她靜靜地聽著，沒有表情。 我繼續說：這是多麼值得敬重的美德！妳沒有自恃嬌寵，沒有任性胡為，因此妳能專心讀書，勤練鋼琴。這樣，妳就得到了知識，有了氣質和眼光。 這到底是優點還是缺點？ 優點就是缺點，因此，能被妳看得起的人不會太多。 不要說了，我知道，別人也不見得看得起我。 我沒有騙妳，也沒有騙妳的必要。對一個像我這樣受過傳統洗禮的中國人，愛與性這些字是說不出口的。愛是一種感受，是一種出自雙方內心深處的瞭解，不應該掛在口頭成為裝飾的字眼。 愛的建立需要時間、諒解以及相互的奉獻等多方面的條件，太輕易就能滿足的，隨時都有可能消失無蹤。人所珍惜的，常是罕有的，歷經千辛萬苦才得到的。甚至於有些可望而不可及的事物，更教我們魂牽神引，永遠難以忘懷。 肉體的接觸如果沒有愛，便只剩下神經刺激，不可能產生銷魂蝕骨的心靈感受。人若太重視肉體的歡愉，就會人盡可交，即使有感情，也無法產生真正的愛。再萬一被情感牽連了，又沒有愛的基礎，那種既不能分手，又不能幸福地相處，才是莫大的痛苦。 我是個天涯間的流浪者，說不定哪天就消失了。我希望在妳的心中，永遠佔據一個重要的位置，絕不願只為了今天的快樂，使妳受到傷害。說明白一點，假定有可能與妳終生相處，我希望我們之間有真正的愛，而不是短暫的肉體滿足。再若不得已，我非離開不可，我又怎能割捨對妳的依戀呢？ 可是我認為你想得太多了。她無力地倒在我的肩頭，輕輕地說。 可能吧，因為妳還有馬里奧，還有妳的家人、朋友。而我，我只有妳，我們的精神、思想都已結合在一起了。一旦突破了友情的界限，我會像崩塌的水庫，狂濤洶湧，一定會淹沒一切的。 那有什麼不好呢？你可以留下來。 妳比我還清楚，我不可能留下來，要是我只為了愛情留下來的話，我還有什麼價值？天天講一些連自己都做不到的空洞的理論，遲早妳會厭煩。 我覺得肩頭一陣涼，是她的淚水濕透了我的衣衫。哭吧，艾洛伊莎，真正的快樂是隱藏在痛苦後面的。 一九六七年八月，我接到家裡的電報，說父親病重垂危，叫我立刻回台。我考慮了很久，如果在父親最需要我的時候不能回去，我終生都不會原諒自己。而這一走，以我的經濟能力，是不可能再回到巴西的。 我心中只有一個罣礙，那就是艾洛伊莎，我怎麼捨得下像她這樣體貼、解語的可人兒呢？人生處處險巇，得失之間很難拿捏。作為一個中國人，倫理不能拋棄。可是，漫漫人生，曾經滄海難為水，除卻巫山不是雲，今後還會有這種機會嗎？ 無論從哪一個角度來說，如果我錯過了這個機會，今生今世再也不可能找到更能令我心醉的伴侶了。她的確是我所認識的女孩中，相貌最美、智慧最高的一位。可貴的還不止於此，我們興趣一致，言談投契，在近一年的交往中，竟然不曾有過片刻的爭執。 問題就出在這裡，基於以往的經驗、文化背景上的差異以及我的悲觀情懷，這種如同夢幻般的純情令我難以置信。怎麼可能把清晨的露珠供養案頭？又為什麼一定要去捕捉西天的彩霞？我千里迢迢來到巴西，難道就是為了守著一株玫瑰？明明知道自己選擇了一條不歸路，現在還沒有走到一半，以後呢？ 我沒有向艾洛伊莎道別，我怕一時控制不了自己，潰決了辛辛苦苦建立的堤防。正常的人生早已與我絕緣，既然如此，又何必留個尾巴誤人誤己？只好狠著心腸，萬般無奈，在一個滿天迷霧的清晨，我提起行李，悄悄地走了。