Chapter 19 Five, the way home

America, part-time job, snow field, father's death I sold everything I could sell, including that beloved little horn.All the money put together was about 1,300 US dollars, which was not enough to buy a plane ticket back to Taiwan.Fortunately, sister Min was in Los Angeles, USA at that time, and her brother-in-law worked in the consulate.I decided to go to Los Angeles first, find Sister Min, and then try to find a solution. When I arrived in Los Angeles in early September, she barely recognized me because she hadn't been notified in advance and since I hadn't seen her for many years.I explained what happened, but she thought there must be something hidden in the telegram from home.Because a few days ago, a friend talked about the situation at home, saying that after his father retired, at the instigation of his stepmother, he actually started a business at the age of more than seventy.No one would have imagined that his father, who regarded property as dung all his life, lost his integrity in his later years.

I really can't believe it, if my father is all right, he has traveled thousands of miles, why would he ask me to go back?Sister Min believes that since she wants to do business, she needs capital.She heard that my stepmother publicized everywhere, saying that I painted in Brazil and made a fortune like Zhang Daqian.Obviously, if I made a special trip to ask me to go back to invest, the effect would not be high; instead, using my father's critical illness as an excuse, it is the best policy to lie to me to go back first, and then try to persuade me. I didn't believe it yet, so I immediately sent a telegram, saying that I had arrived in Los Angeles, and because I was short of money, I asked my father to send some travel expenses.At the same time, I also wrote to several relatives and friends in Taiwan, asking them to inquire about the situation at home on my behalf.

It turned out that Sister Min's judgment was completely correct. My father wrote to me saying that I had recovered from the illness and told me to stay in the United States and not to return to Taiwan.Relatives and friends all agreed that his father was in good health, and he borrowed money everywhere just to do business.Between the lines, everyone hints at displeasure with the stepmother. Sister Min read the letter my father sent me, and she pointed out that it was not my father's handwriting.I remember that about a year ago, my father wrote a letter explaining that because of his poor eyesight, the family letter would be written by his stepmother.As time went on, I never thought that these ghostwriting letters might not be what my father meant, so I abandoned everything in Brazil under the blind impulse.Now that I have reached this point, what should I do?

Back to Brazil?Whether it is necessary or not, where does the air ticket worth more than 800 dollars come from?Besides, the school's withdrawal procedures have been completed, and the stipend I finally applied for is gone. What will I rely on for my future life?Also, how should I face Aloisa?Could it be that you tell her that I am a free man and can leave as soon as I want!Now, I need her and want to go back to her, so I'll come back? Returning to Taiwan is unnecessary. No matter how hard life abroad is, the sea and the sky are bright and the mood is very happy.In the end, everyone advised me to stay in the United States. I also knew that this was the only option and there was no other way.It’s just that I’m not reconciled. Since middle school, because I hate English, not only I don’t want to learn it, but I also vowed that I will never go to the United States in the future.

After thinking it over and over again, I listed all kinds of favorable reasons and tried to convince myself to stay in the United States.Work, language, cultural background, living habits, etc. are not problems, and even more in-depth is necessary for the goals I pursue.Fortunately, in this era, the United States has a decisive influence on human society in every aspect.Sooner or later I have to get to know her, and all difficulties must be overcome, otherwise I am not qualified to call myself a seeker of the truth of life. Sun Zhenxian is a friend I met in Brazil who also studied agriculture.At this time, he just came to see my brother-in-law on business. As soon as he saw me, he met an old acquaintance in a foreign country, and immediately invited me to live in his house, and enthusiastically helped me find a job.His wife's name is Lucy, she is a graduate of practical education, she cooks well and is very hospitable.They lived in the Hollywood district, in a small, elegant log house near the intersection of Sunset Boulevard and Highland Street.

The work that Lao Sun is engaged in is a very special service industry, specializing in taking pictures for others.Customers only need to call his company to make an appointment and set a time, and Lao Sun will take pictures on time according to the appointment.Can this also be called work?I really admire the business acumen of the Americans. As long as there is a need, there will be business, and there will be money to be made, benefiting others and self. Sister Min had already agreed to introduce me to work at a gas station, but Lao Sun strongly opposed it. He said that it is easy to find a job in the United States, so you might as well find a better one with a good income.So when he went to fix the flash, he asked the boss if he wanted workers?It happened that the factory was short of people, so Lao Sun asked me to take the exam. After passing some basic electrical knowledge on the spot, I was hired immediately.

Since I didn't prepare in advance, and I didn't expect to have a job when I first arrived in the United States, how to go to work immediately became the primary problem.I don't own a car, I don't know how to drive it, I haven't even driven one at all.However, in the United States, especially Los Angeles is a famous city designed for car owners.Except for underage children and elderly people with disabilities, all the residents here have cars, and some even have more than one. On the first day I went to work, I took the bus from Hollywood, where I live, to Burburn, where I work, and it took only ten minutes to drive.But it took me three hours to transfer two buses.Lao Sun reminded him again and again, saying that waiting for the bus was difficult, but he never imagined that it would be so difficult.

I decided to buy a car. Although money is a problem, I can still borrow it from my grandson. The trouble is that I have to learn to drive first.In the United States, time is money. Is there any way to solve the three problems of buying a car, learning to drive, and driving in the shortest time? My point of view is to buy a car first and then learn to drive, because I am afraid of bothering others.Lao Sun disagreed, saying that in the United States, if you don’t learn to drive first, you won’t get a driver’s license, and if you get into a car accident, you won’t be able to get around.I couldn't compete with him, so I had to study in a park for ten minutes under his guidance.The car can move, and I think it is quite good, but Lao Sun thinks it is still far away.

I was so anxious that I couldn't wait any longer, so I went to my brother-in-law and said that I wanted to test my driver's license.My brother-in-law thought I could drive, so he took me to a place, saying that he knew the examiner there, and it might be easier to pass the test. Because my brother-in-law is a diplomat, the family often holds receptions and invites some big shots.As far as a pilot is concerned, there are not many opportunities in his life to associate with those big men.So my brother-in-law was very happy to give a personal favor, and when there was a reception, he also invited the examiner to serve as a national diplomacy.As a result, the two became friends, which was also convenient for me, a candidate.

Sure enough, the examiner was very reckless. Although my skills were not good, fortunately, he was merciful and scored more than 70 points.Thanks to my brother-in-law and his connection, I passed my test and became a new member of the Auto Club.After I got my driver's license, I bought a streamlined Keweir second-hand car with installment payment.Once I got the car, the first thing I did was to drive on the highway for a while at a speed of 80 miles, enjoying the freedom of movement. It was late at night, and by the time I thought about going to my brother-in-law’s house to express my gratitude, I had lost my sense of direction and distance on the highway.I didn't know that I had just driven to Nevada until I bought a map and found my brother-in-law's house according to the map!

That adventure gave me great confidence, just like a person who has never lost his hand on the mountain of knives, he will always roll on the tip of the knife again and again.Fortunately, I was lucky enough to always escape from the razor's edge. Burben, where I go to work, is a residential and industrial area, located about ten miles north of Hollywood, with many factories and offices.And the place where I live is next to the Chinese Grand Theater, which happens to be the business center of Hollywood.Therefore, whenever commuting to and from get off work, contrary to the flow of vehicles, the expressway is often unimpeded, and it takes only a few minutes to arrive. Since I had plenty of time and I couldn't forget my unfulfilled dreams, I joined a famous painting correspondence class and learned painting step by step.But there is still too much time. Be it music or painting, in fact, what I really can't forget is the movie.Today, I came to Hollywood by mistake, why not take the opportunity to ask for advice? Not far from where I lived, I saw a large-scale film and drama cram school, and many famous figures in the film industry were listed on the promotional board.I decided to study choreography and directing. I knew my English was poor, but what I was learning was concepts and principles, so I bit the bullet and became an old tribute student again. From studying, I found that the United States specializes in cultivating technical talents, whether it is painting or film, there is a set of formulas.It stands to reason that everyone has their unique strengths, and teachers should teach students in accordance with their aptitude.In fact, otherwise, in the correspondence painting class, I quickly saw that the other party was just an institution.When I finished part of my homework, they sent me some materials, the contents of which had nothing to do with my level or the quality of my studies. From a commercial point of view, this is understandable, but this correspondence school advertises that it teaches students in accordance with their aptitude, saying that each student will be personally guided by a famous painter!I also chose a famous painter, who is Chinese.I often write some comments next to the drawing and ask the teacher to correct me, but I never hear back. The film class is not much better. There are more than 20 people in the director class, taught by a famous director (who has directed the TV series Smoking Gun).This teacher is a fool, and likes to direct kissing scenes the most. He often finds some students from the actor class to experiment, and every class ends with kissing and kissing. However, I also gained something, which was revealed by the teacher inadvertently. I remember a student asked him a question, but I didn't understand it. The director said: Don't worry, there's a formula for this one! The student asked several questions in succession, and the answers were all: There is a formula! I just blame my poor English, is it because I am in math class? After class, I went to ask the classmate, what formula is not formula. I was asking him about the development skills of serial dramas and single dramas, and I understood as soon as he explained it. He said that everything has a certain formula, even single dramas are no exception. Drama is creation, how can there be a formula? Now it is a business, and mass production is required, so as long as you know how to use formulas, it will be fine. So why doesn't he teach these formulas? Ah, no need, there are bookstores. So what are we learning here? What to learn?Wait for the opportunity! What are you waiting for? He gave me a strange look, only to realize that the oriental man was an idiot. Wait for him to be promoted!Someday when he needs help in filming, he will come to us for help. That's how it is. Now, I also understand that if you really want to learn movies, it's better to go to the cinema.A good film contains endless treasures, and all the arts can only be experienced in real life.Because art is not knowledge, it can only be obtained through the observation of the senses and the expression of consciousness, not through the learning of concepts in the classroom. Although the place where I work is called a factory, it is actually a small shop specializing in the assembly and repair of various flash lights.The shop is called Norman Enterprises, and there are only the boss, a female secretary, an engineer and four technicians.The minimum wage stipulated at that time was one yuan and seventy-five cents per hour. Our factory adopted a working hour system, and I could get two yuan and five cents per hour.When I work a lot, I can earn more than 800 yuan a month, which is higher than my grandson's income. How unfair life is!In the same way, I worked hard in Brazil, but my monthly income was more than ten dollars.Just because the country is rich and strong, everyone in the United States is blessed, but people are extremely ignorant, only care about the current petty profits, and refuse to work hard to make the country rich and strong first! The skilled technicians in the Norman factory can assemble and test one flash head per day on average. As soon as I went there, I found that their working methods were very unreasonable.After I got familiar with all kinds of situations, I designed a production line by myself.After one month, an average of ten lamps can be produced every day, and one day I even set a record of producing seventeen lamps. The boss, named Norman, is about my age. He appreciates my work and automatically raises my salary once a month.In the third month, it has been increased to three yuan and fifty cents an hour.He told me that it was the highest salary for a mechanic, and I should be able to add it based on my ability, but I had to pass the engineer certification test first.I looked at the exam questions and knew that there was no hope, so I continued to work with peace of mind. Norman began to teach me to design power supplies again. Originally, an engineer was in charge, and he could only design one a month, and it often exploded during testing.At first I was skeptical that I could do it, but after a week, I finished one.Under the test, everything was fine, the engineer resigned angrily, and I have since been represented. I think Americans pay attention to efficiency, and Norman's work is reasonable and reasonable, and scholars work hard for their confidantes, and my old problem that cannot be changed has reappeared. Our products are poorly designed, ugly, big and heavy.This kind of flash is mostly supplied to some itinerant family photographers, who memorize it every day, and there is a big difference between ingenuity and severity.After my research, I found that with the existing materials, the volume can be saved by at least three-quarters, and the weight can be reduced by four-fifths. Unexpectedly, Norman resolutely opposed it. He said that I don't know how to do business. What customers want is genuine goods at a fair price. Only when they are made big and heavy can buyers be willing to pay a high price, and we can make profits.Colleagues also complained to me more, because we are paid by the hour, and the work efficiency is improved, the working hours are relatively reduced, and the money is less. Ye Luo Zhiqiu, in a small factory, there are only a few people, and everyone shares success or failure, so they have stable job opportunities.The boss does not seek improvement and is satisfied with the status quo, while the staff only care about their own interests and do not think for the operator.If things go on like this, how can you compete with others in the market? Among my colleagues is a tall guy named Peter, who likes to play basketball and shares the same interests as me.He installed a lamp every day, slowly and without rush.One Sunday, he invited me to play basketball. We were one short and one tall, forming a team of giants and tigers, which was quite eye-catching. I was drinking beer root during my break when I heard him say: Do you know what you are doing? I'm drinking carbonated drinks.I thought he was teaching me English, so I emphasized the present progressive tense of the word drink. No, I mean in the company. Ah, dawdling.I just realized it's an old problem again. If you want to make more money, I definitely support you, but that is simply impossible, and I can guarantee that Norman will not give you another raise. I know, I'm just doing my duty. Shit!Your responsibility is to make a lamp a day. First, I don't want to argue with him, and second, no matter how reasonable I am, I can't speak English, so I can only say: But I will not be slow!What I want to say is not to slow down. Shit!Not slow, there is no such thing. real. Shit!Shit! Several shits in a row pissed me off. I used my half-baked English to start a high-level discussion: If we do more, the company will make money, and the company will grow bigger. A bigger company will benefit us all. You're dreaming, no matter how big the company is, Norman won't give us a dime more. At least I would not say that I have face, but I changed my words and said: There is hope. Shit!Our only hope is to be rich ourselves. How can I have money by myself? Wait for the opportunity!When the opportunity comes to make a fortune, who doesn't? But for the country, I want to say that the country is very dangerous. which country?The state is to help me make money. Different ideologies, plus my limited language, talking about it will only hurt feelings.Maybe he's a bit extreme, but among the people I've talked to, whether in Brazil or Taiwan, it seems to be a fashionable thing to say.It seems that I should be the one who is extreme, at least, I am not in line with the trend of the times. The population of the United States is five times smaller than that of China, and the available land is more than ten times larger.In addition, they have no historical burden, no constant natural disasters and wars, and they have inherited European industrial civilization.It is also in line with human nature for people to have such selfish thoughts when they are rich.But why do the Chinese also have this idea?Especially senior intellectuals.What would happen to society as a whole if capable people only profited for themselves? Americans do not have a national concept because the country has been formed for a short period of time and is blessed by nature, and has not yet experienced the pain of national ruin and family destruction.Just like when a person is a teenager, he doesn't know the heights of the sky and the depths of the earth, everything is thriving and full of hope.However, as one approaches middle age, life, old age, sickness and death come one after another. Parents or elders are either dying or suffering from illness.As for myself, it's okay not to have a family, but to have a family, all kinds of burdens are like an endless nightmare. The United States is still a young country, and Americans are in the middle of their fortunes.Only when the national power is exhausted and the resources are exhausted, will they rearrange their experiences and realize the truth of the world. Limei teaches psychology at New Mexico State University, and invited me to play during the winter vacation.Not seen for many years, she got married and gave birth to a well-behaved daughter.The past is like floating clouds in the sky. Although they are brothers and sisters, based on the special family situation, my understanding of her is a hazy fog, and I can't even imagine it. I took a Greyhound bus across the three states of California, Nevada, and Arizona, and saw the canyons and deserts of the United States along the way.In this era, due to various reasons, the Chinese are like the Jews at the beginning of the century, separated from each other and separated from each other.I was so emotional that I really didn't know how to reminisce about the old days with her. At that time, it was snowing heavily outside the car, looking at the endless white land, the northern style of my childhood slowly floated in my heart.In my heart, my mother has always been a shriveled shadow, lying on a hospital bed and coughing dryly.The cough was intermittent and weak, mixed with incomparable pain and representing helpless struggle. Since there is no snow in Taiwan, the association is lost, and the window of memory is tightly closed.At this time, in the gray sky, some light and fine white snowflakes slowly moved to the front.As soon as it touched the glass on the car window, it couldn't cling to it, and the hexagonal elves with stretched cilia suddenly turned into a translucent light and shadow. Through the glow of light and shadow, one after another, vivid scenes suddenly come into view. I remember that when I was in Beijing, my mother didn't look like a patient at all. She often took Limei and me to go skating in Beihai Park.There is also a slender figure, which also appears in the memory at the same time.We call him Sanjiu, he is very good at singing, and the one I remember most clearly is also a song he often sings: The moon hangs high in the sky, and the light shines in all directions. In that quiet night, I think of my hometown The same is the snowflakes flying, but the difference is the warmth that is gone and will never return. Our home in Peiping used to be a royal mansion, and Mr. Xu Huidong, the then mayor, lent us a temporary residence.We lived in the front yard, and there was another entrance in the back, where Mayor Xu's three brothers-in-law lived. My second uncle likes to drink beer. I don't like the astringent and spicy feeling, but in order to ask them to read novels, I often have to endure it a little.The third uncle also drank, and he sang when he drank, and was kicked out when he sang. There will always be white snow, and there will always be the shadow of the third uncle, who seems to be inseparable from the mother's frozen red cheeks and silent silence. In that mysterious window of memory, the only exception was a fire, my mother hugged Limei and me tightly, and my third uncle leaned against the window lattice.Quietly, just like the frozen light and shadow standing in front of my eyes. The third uncle's song sounded, it was always the same song, he hummed in a low voice, and I seemed to hear my mother's humming too.A warmth, a kind of peace that I rarely feel, gradually disappears into nothingness Then, in a daze, I racked my brains and couldn't remember anything.When the bus arrived in New Mexico, as soon as I saw Limei, I asked her without saying anything else: Do you remember, when we lived in Peking, there was a third uncle Of course I remember, he can sing very well. and after?Why can't I remember what happened next? Later he joined the army and went to fight the Japanese. I stayed at Limei's house for two days, and I seem to have been to Baisha Air Force Base and some places of interest.But I don't remember anything, and my impression of my brother-in-law is very weak.Because the bone-chilling wind and snow had already recalled me to the past years, the memory was like a dense fog, occupying my whole heart stickily and lingeringly. Film and painting correspondence courses are currently paper assignments. In order to make the most of my study opportunities in the United States, I urgently need some practical experience.Introduced by a friend, I joined an amateur drama group, East West Player, which was composed of some Orientals who love film art.With the support of the Rockefeller Foundation, they often rehearse in a church and perform everywhere. There are not many members in Dongxi Theater Club, there are about 20 members, because they have not been together for a long time, and their names have been forgotten.I only remember that there are three people in charge, Michael from Japan, a Chinese lady and a Korean.Not long after I left, a few of them went to Hollywood to play tricks and act in movies. I just joined and found that they didn't have any lofty ideals, but just wanted to break into the American entertainment industry.Due to the structure of American society, white people dominate all interest groups, and Hollywood is no exception.However, the self-awareness of various ethnic groups is constantly rising, and they are eager to participate in white society.In order to appease them, the U.S. government has enacted some laws to protect ethnic minorities. Dongxi Drama Club wants to use the power of the group to share some protection interests. I once suggested to Michael that instead of just participating in Hollywood performances, it is better to provide some materials so that they pay attention to the traditional oriental culture and produce related products in large quantities.Michael disagrees, he thinks that we still have a chance to compete with it through performances, and when it comes to culture, the United States has reached the pinnacle of the world, and the East is far behind. The last event I participated in was an East-West clothing exhibition, and the scene was quite grand, with many Chinese and American stars in attendance.When I arrived at the scene, I realized that this event was entirely a clothing company, using the fame of Dongxi Theater Troupe to promote its own products.Why is it that a group that is interested in drama art has already secured funds, but is not doing business, and is willing to bend the waist for five buckets of rice? Under the introduction of Lao Sun, I also saw the overseas student community here. I chose this name because they are a very special group.They could not integrate into American society, and they were completely different from the old overseas Chinese who came to the United States earlier.Basically, international students have received higher education, have ideal careers in the United States, and their living conditions are quite favorable.But psychologically, he is full of contradictions. He loves and hates his own country and American society. The most unbearable thing for them is the growth process of their children in American society.A free-spirited society is just like a duck to water for children.Parents see it in their eyes and are anxious in their hearts, and they are powerless and unable to interfere. American society looks very open on the surface, but in fact they are extremely lonely.In addition to family, everyone has some private friendships outside of work, and it is difficult for outsiders to intervene.This is because they have developed an independent spirit since childhood and believe that personal freedom is more important than everything else. Chinese people have always been used to living in groups, and they often have to visit each other and gossip.Even in the United States, this habit cannot be changed for a while.As a result, when it comes to holidays, old and middle-aged people always get together in groups of three or four, playing mahjong, or going out together.Naturally, parents also want their children to mingle. However, it is difficult for children to adapt. What they are most afraid of is speaking Chinese. Coupled with the special culture and social interaction of young people, the distance between them and their parents is getting farther and farther day by day. Among the friends I know, there are two families that happen to be two types and have the same mentality.One family's surname is Shi, and the other's surname is Li. The gentlemen all work in an oil company and are all naturalized in the United States.Mr. Shi believes that life in the United States is temporary, and sooner or later he will return to his own country, so he emphasizes the traditional education of his children.On the one hand, Mr. Li thinks he is an American, but he wants his children to know their roots, so as not to get lost in Western society when they grow up. At that time, our conversation often revolved around ABC.The so-called ABC refers to American-born Chinese.According to them, after such a child grows up, he cannot be recognized by the American society, and he is unwilling to admit his background in China, which is extremely abnormal psychologically.Therefore, no one has an answer to how to build self-esteem and self-confidence in the young minds of the next generation. From the problems of Shi and Li, I realized the importance of the country.More specifically, it should be the importance of culture.In other words, the ideology and culture on which the country depends are the source of people's lives. What is a country?Isn't America a country?Why do these high-level intellectuals, after going through untold hardships and becoming Americans, hope that their descendants will retain Chinese culture and thought? I don't think the political system of a country matters much, except that politicians have power and self-respect.The country is actually composed of a group of individuals with a common cultural cognition, people and living habits are the main body, and the political system is only the result of the struggle for power and profit.In fact, what can bring people together is only ideology, culture and customs. It's just that our poor generation, under the long-term struggle of the political system, has been invaded by external forces and culture has gone bankrupt.The people lost their faith in the country and the nation, so they could only pursue their own happiness, and ended up drifting overseas.In the end, even expecting to retain that trace of nostalgia in the children is difficult. The United States is a vibrant society, and in terms of individual ability or intelligence, there is not much difference between an American, a Chinese, or a Brazilian.However, the United States has inherently good conditions, and its social system allows the people to fully develop themselves. In addition, most immigrants of all generations have experienced exclusion or persecution in the original society, so they can cherish this rare opportunity. However, I also see hidden worries in the United States.The new generation of Americans regards freedom as a natural human right, regards natural resources as private property, abuses them recklessly, and spends them recklessly.On Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood, there are groups of young people wearing weird clothes, whizzing by in speeding cars, or gathering in bars to entertain each other with narcotics.Yes, that's their freedom. In a life that doesn't require struggle, they can't experience real pain. They need happiness, but they don't know what happiness is. In addition, when people are full, warm and rich, people's desire for lust arises spontaneously.In order to make profits, businessmen make extensive use of sensual advertisements and try their best to sow and seduce.In the name of liberty, every one indulges the lusts of the flesh, and enjoys talking about them.Not to mention ordinary people, even I, who has always had a strong self-control ability, couldn't help being shaken and confused. For a while, I often regretted leaving Brazil so easily and missing Eloisa.American society has both racial discrimination and language barriers.Not only is the physical pressure difficult to resolve, but also the tension in life cannot be relieved. Every day is just work and study.The capital-supremacy environment tightly controls people and does not allow anyone to make their own decisions. I originally entered the country in the name of sightseeing, but now I am working here illegally, and I am in danger.Regardless of whether I intend to stay in the United States for a long time or not, I must first obtain the right of residence to avoid future troubles.According to the lawyer's analysis, I studied agriculture and I don't have enough farm experience, so my hope is very slim.Someone suggested that I get a fake marriage, as long as it costs more than 1,000 yuan, I can't do such a thing. One day, I accidentally saw an advertisement in a magazine for a computer-based matchmaker, and my heart moved, could it be? As Aloisa said, there is absolutely no one in the world who fully meets my expectations, let alone someone waiting for me there.If you decide to stay in the United States, why not just marry an American?Since I don't have the time and opportunity to make a girlfriend, the only good solution is to use a computer as a matchmaker.It is very likely that there is a female monster like me, who not only has the same ideas, concepts, and interests as me, but has also been unable to achieve high and low.If she also wants to use the computer to find a bosom monster, wouldn't that be a great match? Even if I don't intend to stay in the United States, if I can find someone who is close to me, what's the harm?I think the most important thing is the ideal partner, it doesn't matter if the other party is Chinese, Brazilian or American.If you don't look for it, you will never get it. If you want to look for it, you must use an efficient method. Relying only through friends' introductions, the scope of contact and the conditions of choice are limited.Although I don't know how feasible it is to use computers as a matchmaker, but there are so many people participating, the chances of selection must be relatively high.Besides, there is always something to be gained from seeing the most fashionable new gadget, whether it succeeds or fails. After spending more than one hundred yuan and filling out a lot of complicated forms with the mentality of giving it a try, I joined a computer matchmaking club.After more than a month, the computer notified me that I had found the ideal partner, and I invited her to dinner.As soon as we met, she asked me if I would definitely marry her in the first sentence.I said definitely not, she listened, turned around and left. The second time I blew it without even seeing each other. On the phone, she kept correcting my grammar.Of course I hope to have a serious and responsible English teacher, but I haven't met in person, who knows what she will correct me next? I went to the club to complain that the computer was not working, and they said that I had filled in the wrong information.When refilling the information, I discovered that the article-like content was all specific numbers and simple explanations. For example: Do you want your partner to be beautiful?I believe that no one will say no, but how can a computer judge whether a person is beautiful or not?Another question: do you think you are attractive?How should I answer?Is there anyone who says no? As for the cultural quality I am concerned about, I cannot find it in the questionnaire.Although there are questions of the following kind: Do you like music?Do you like art?Do you like sports?But what do these words mean?There was no one in the Conservatory who didn't like music, but when I saw George, I couldn't stand it. In addition to these yes and no questions, there are a lot of numbers, such as height, weight, bust, hips and so on.In short, there are many questions, but none of them represent what the monster like me needs to know. If you want to make decisions about marriage based on these, isn't it just a dream?I actually believed it at the beginning, and even when I filled in the information for the first time, I really thought it was the so-called scientific method. Anyway, already on the thief ship, I decided to try again.Two months after the computer picked it, it gave me another phone number.That weekend morning, I called her.The other party seemed surprised, so I first told her that I am Chinese and was introduced by a computer.She immediately said it was great, and asked me to go to her apartment right away, and we will talk again after meeting. When he got to her apartment, he rang the doorbell.It was a little boy who opened the door, and I said: I'm here to find XXX. It's me!Come in!Come in!I'm going to change clothes first. She entered the inner room, and I looked around. There were books everywhere on the sofa, on the floor, and on the shelves, all related to society, economy, politics, philosophy, and thought.That's not bad, we shouldn't have to worry about running out of topics.Also, she has a very expensive stereo, I just don't see a single classical music record. After a while, she changed into women's clothes and came out with some curls in her short hair.She smelled so strong of perfume that it made me dizzy. Come on, you can play bowling, right?I'll take you. I can't play bowling. ah?She didn't seem to believe it: it didn't matter, the bowling alley was nearby. Whose car do you drive? You go, I will tell you how to go.When she speaks, she is sharp and straight, and her actions are quite masculine. I know there was a so-called feminist movement in the United States at that time, because I don't know the background of Western society, so I can't express my opinion.In China, women in the feudal era really had no social status.After the Republic of China, the atmosphere gradually opened up. Although there were unavoidable differences in work and treatment, as well as physical and psychological concerns, there was actually no deliberate gender discrimination. Human gender is determined by the permutations and combinations of nature. In order to fight for women's rights, even the actions and behaviors of men should be imitated by men. I cannot express my approval.The attraction between the opposite sex is more or less the adjustment of different tastes. How can I accept that my girlfriend is exactly the same as a man?At this moment, Aloisa's charming expression appeared in her mind again, and she deeply hated herself for coming to a place like the United States. When I got in the car, I was still thinking about what method should be used to lead the topic to things that both of us are interested in, when she spoke first: How old are you? Thirty years old this year. What did you study? agronomy. Did you graduate from college? have.studied in Taiwan. Have you ever been sick? This question is very difficult to answer. Gonorrhea is too embarrassing to say it, and I don’t know how to say it in English.In fact, no matter what kind of disease, I don't know the English vocabulary, this can't be considered cheating, can it? Nothing serious. Well, have you ever been married? No. very good.she said with satisfaction.I started the car and was about to ask her how to get there, but she asked again: How many people in your family are here? No.how do we goI was afraid that I would not be able to get in, so I rushed to ask her. What?ah!very good.Go straight ahead.Several things are done in one go, she looks very bold. I was most afraid of this kind of investigative question and answer, so I wanted to change the subject, so I said: You have a lot of research on sociology, right? Leaving that aside now, you like to travel, don't you? Yes.I'm very smart, who knows?Maybe she was really doing investigative work! very good.Do you like music? Yes. very good.you like Before she could finish, I had to check to see if she was talking about the same music as I was: hold on!The music I am referring to is classical music, pre-twentieth century. ah?Those old antiques?she said disdainfully. Yes, I am old school.I have to let her know this. She thought for a while, decided to put aside this annoying question, and asked again: How much do you earn every month? About eight hundred yuan. okay.How long have you been working? I'm really tired of this kind of conversation, what should I do?她想瞭解我，這是她唯一熟悉的方式，我沒有理由拒絕。即使以後不再見她了，為了禮貌也應該應付下去才是。我想到車已開了很久了，不如先到保齡球館，打打球也比這種採訪有趣。 球館到了沒有？ 她驀然醒悟，四下張望了一陣，說：過了頭了，轉回去吧。你還沒有回答我的問題哩！ 我實在受不了了，她仍然咄咄逼人地追問不止。我們在同一條街上轉了三圈，她還在問我喜不喜歡吃漢堡，我乾脆把車子停在路邊，不耐煩地說：現在妳問吧！ 她可能自知有點失禮，便說：我很滿意，該你問了。 I have no problem. What?你沒有問題？你不想瞭解我？ 這樣的問答又能瞭解什麼呢？ 難道你不覺得這樣最有效率？她大為驚訝，天下居然有我這種笨人。 我無法回答，效率？難道我們在做生意嗎？這時，街頭有遊行隊伍經過，我看得出是反越戰的活動。我突然靈機一動，她的政治立場應該是自由派，在那時，我只知道美國有個尼克森，那是台灣輿論界最推崇的。如果她喜歡，我便表示反對，反之亦然。以她的個性看來，不大可能妥協，於是我問她： 妳對尼克森的看法怎樣？ Nickerson?哼，他是個失敗者！ 好極了，我極力反擊，我說他是英雄，世界的救星。我們和諧的關係彷彿冰山一樣，瞬間就崩塌了，爭了一會兒，她說： 你送我去前面那間美容院吧，我要去洗頭髮。 好的，我在外面等妳。 不必了，我會找朋友來接。 感謝尼克森，否則我真不知道要怎樣脫身。 到了八月，家裡又來信，說父親垂危，臨終前想見我一面。 這是團結中國社會的基本力量，父母如果不能在去世前見到他們的兒女，可以稱之為死不瞑目。當然逝者已矣，誰也不知道瞑不瞑目有什麼分別。但是做子女的，長期在百善孝為先觀念的灌輸下，總不希望在腦海中存著一副永遠睜著雙眼、憋著最後一口氣，老態龍鐘的親人的模樣。 在一般人的眼中，我父親待我太過嚴厲，使我喪失了童年快樂的時光。可是沒有人比我更清楚，不幸的遭遇、苦痛的過去，正是我一生中最豐富的資本。在當時我確曾怨天尤人、痛哭流涕，深恨命運對我不公平。到如今，我親眼見到很多在父母呵護下成長的青年，一旦面臨了無情的、競爭慘烈的社會，在沒有心理準備下，弱者被強者殘酷地欺凌，強者與強者則無休無止地做殊死戰鬥，以往賴以依仗的庇護呢？而今又在哪裡？ 歷經了幼年深巨的痛苦磨練，我才成為真正的強者，除了我自己，天下沒有任何人、任何力量可以撼動我分毫。這種堅強的心理建設，不正是父親的恩賜嗎？不正是中國歷代的先賢大德，累積了幾千年的寶貴經驗，賦與傳統文化的精髓嗎？ 從功利主義者的立場來看，我一無所取，沒有金錢、地位、事業，甚至連家庭都沒有。然而，那些並不是我所要追求的，從古到今，人生生死死，又有幾個勇於擺脫世俗的牽絆，稟持著明確的原則，邁向理想的未來？ 我知道自己還有很多缺點，有時候也會迷失方向。但在黑暗裡，在迷霧中，我總能藉著過去痛苦的經驗，找到一線光明。也能利用千錘百煉的理性，克服自己，繼續前進。 直到這一刻，我還不知道自己的理想是什麼，唯一所能稟持的原則，就是不斷地觀察、學習。此外，更要摒除私心，順應環境變化，最後希望能找到一種放諸四海皆準、有助於所有人類、徹底解脫痛苦煩惱的方法。 既然父親要見我最後一面，不管目前情況如何，我都必須回去。 我向諾曼辭職，他大吃一驚： 你是不是嫌薪水太少？我可以給你加薪，我們的工廠正在擴充，忙得要命，所以忽略了你的問題。 謝謝你，是因為我父親病重，要見我最後一面。 見你一面？見到你，他的病就會好？ 我想不會，他已七十九歲了。 那你回去幹什麼？ 這是我的責任，我是他唯一的兒子。 那你要去多久？ 很難說，可能回不來了，未知的因素太多了。 我不懂，你自己想想，這樣做太冒險了。 我沒有選擇。 當然有，你不必回去，你看，我們的事業一天天在成長，將來也有你一份。你父親是你父親，你是你，哪裡有只為了回去看看他，而不顧自己前途的事？ 他不瞭解中國人，就像我不瞭解他一樣。最後，他只好搖著頭，送我兩百元美金作為路費，還加了一個註腳：就因為這樣，你們中國不可能強大起來。 一回到台北，我就趕到醫院。父親已經又瘦又乾，雙目深陷，但卻睜著雙眼，躺在病床上，一動都不動。我走到他面前，說：爸爸，我回來了。 彷彿是從一個遙遠的地方，歷經艱辛的跋涉，他緩緩的把呆滯無神的眼珠移向我這邊，注視了很久很久。突然，最後一點生命的火花燃起了，乾澀的眼眶中泛起了一絲淚痕，臉上的肌肉微微抽動。他顫抖著烏黑的嘴唇，說著幾乎聽不到的聲音，如同夢囈一般。 Have you eaten yet? 我大聲說：爸爸，我吃過了。 他仍然看著我，蒼老而枯皺的臉上，顯出無比的勞累，卻又平靜而安祥。他可能有很多話要說，也可能本來就沒有什麼可以說的。總之，在這一刻，一切都顯得多餘。漸漸地，他疲倦地闔上了眼睛，從此以後，再也沒有睜開來。 我們把他接回家中，他如同植物人一般，不吃不喝，全靠點滴維持生命。一個月後，終於與人世永別。 人生的意義在哪裡呢？他賦與我生命，教育我以文化，最後，他卻成了一具枯骨。我是否也將步著他的後塵，在昏黃的晚景中期待著游子，一代一代地就此傳衍下去？所傳的又是什麼？是生命？是文化？抑或還有其他我尚未瞭解的？ 我們兩代之間曾有一道很深的鴻溝，那是時代在人際關係上所刻下的痕跡，沒有是非對錯，只留下淡淡的惋惜。 父親沒有留給我一文錢、一片土地，但是那看不到摸不著的影響以及人生的價值觀，卻如同生命的本質一般，與我同存。他並沒有死，死只是一個很通俗的概念，代表一種生命力的移轉。當毛蟲結成蛹後，會變化成蝴蝶；當蝴蝶羽化了，又變成一粒粒精巧透明的卵。生命從來不曾死過，只是不斷地開展。 人的生命期比較長，除了生命的更續之外，還有在生命過程中累積的許多認知。這些認知不是金錢可以買到的，也不是書本中可以提煉出來的。唯一的管道，即是每一個人自己親身的體驗。 死只是代表一個過程的終止，人體雖然化為塵埃，人的經歷卻永遠存留。環境永遠在變化，而生命需要生存，生存的經歷便是生命生存最有價值的借鏡。 人類千萬年來所積累的認知，在一代一代之間不斷地傳衍，匯為長河、巨流。難道這不是一種生命，難道只有與草木同朽的身體才算是生命？ 生命到底是什麼？如果用邏輯來推論，正因為人有生命，所以人一定不是生命。人只是一種具有生命的機體，機體當然與生命有別。再進一步看，人有生命，人又有認知，是否生命與認知同是人的屬性呢？ 如果是的，那麼在認知的立場，生命的意義就比較容易瞭解了。在大自然的進化中，許多現象基於環境的變化，隨起隨滅，消逝得無影無蹤。唯有能永存在大自然中的現象，可視為有意義。而生命需要知識以增進延續生存的機率，所以，生命的意義可以說就是不斷地追求、傳衍所獲得的認知。 目前，我的認知是：父親的責任告一段落，以後就輪到我了。 辦完父親的喪事，我才發覺當前的第一個責任，就是維持家計。不管我願不願意，這個責任已自動地落在肩上，再也瀟灑不起來了。