Chapter 23 9. Consciousness

Practice, price, life and death, farewell Everyone got up and finished their showers. The sun just came out, emitting brilliant golden light, illuminating the empty entertainment room from a corner of the window.Neo's face glowed with divine light, and he led us to start the day's homework. The first is the sun worship ceremony. There are six of us in total, forming two opposite triangles.Everyone stands at the tip of the corner, facing east.Neo read it aloud, and we followed suit: Because of your light, give us life, we worship you and obey you forever. Then there is a short meditation, and until everyone is over, the yoga practice begins.

It took almost an hour to finish the morning class. Scripture study followed, and we filed down to the studio.Since Caroline and I are just apprentice practitioners, we stand at opposite ends of the room facing each other.Neo, Tony, Xiuzi, and Gange are located in four directions: east, south, west, and north, facing the center, and doing routine daily rituals first. Tony and Ganger were on duty today. Tony took out a yellow holy blanket, held one end with Ganger, and laid it flat in the middle of the room.In the middle of the blanket is a Jewish hexagonal symbol. According to their explanation, the hexagonal shape is composed of an upward triangle representing spirit and a downward triangle representing matter, which means the universe itself.

Once the blanket was laid, the four of them sat down around the figure.Tony went to the altar to take the bowl full of clean water and handed it to Neo.Ganger took another empty bowl, held it with both hands and placed it respectfully in the center of the figure. Neo poured some water from the bowl into the empty bowl and said: The beginning of the universe is yin and yang, which is Tao, and Tao exists in all things, and I only seek Tao. Similarly, every time he read a sentence, we repeated it.At the same time, the bowls of water were also passed on one by one, each person poured a little, until the last person poured all the water.

After the daily class is over, the participants will take turns to share the water in the bowl and refill the other empty bowl for the next day.Its meaning is that the cause and effect of the daily events are conceived in this water, and everyone drinks together to express sharing. After the water was poured, the four of them closed their eyes and turned their heads to the sky. Neo and the others recited: The Holy Spirit, the Father, and the Son, the Trinity, represent the spirit, emotion and flesh, and are the truth of life. While chanting in the mouth, the hands still need to move.When talking about the Holy Spirit, the Father, and the Son, draw the cross; when talking about the spirit, put your hands on your forehead; when talking about emotions, put your hands on your chest, and press your flesh on your belly.

Then the four held hands, formed a circle, bowed their heads and prayed silently. The next step is to study the scriptures. Their textbook was originally a book called Lord of the Universe written by a Frenchman, Henégrand.According to them, this book has been banned in various countries because the author is against dictatorship, capitalism and communism.Since the French version is no longer available, we use the Italian version, which was secretly taught by a professor when Neo was in college. The content of the book is based on an objective standpoint, citing the similarities and differences of various ethnic religions.In particular, it is emphasized that the various symbols used by various religions are absolutely related, which means that there is only one true God.Since the scriptures are in Italian, every time Neo speaks, Tony translates them into English.And my English was not as good as Portuguese at the time, so I didn't know much.

The book emphasizes that the origins of all religions in the world are the same, and that this true God came from outer space.I didn't really understand their theory until many years later when I saw a film devoted to discussing the many incredible ancient wonders of the world and affirming that the gods are superior beings from outer space. This day's study has disappointed me. I am tired of the pretentious ceremony, and I don't appreciate the hodgepodge, which combines the skins of all religions into a new temple.In addition, religion is only a part of human behavior, and belief in religion cannot be regarded as truth, let alone push the origin of tracing to outer space.

Even if the gods really came from outer space, the problem has not been solved yet, how did the gods of outer space come into being?Does it mean that after we find the palace of the outer space god, we have to go to another, more distant time and space to find another source of the outer space god? I think truth should be a kind of common sense, an axiom that can be applied to various situations in life and can be matched with scientific knowledge.Since it is the truth, it should include all human behaviors and all things in the universe, so that people can explore all the truths in the space-time framework.As the Chinese say, everything is universal, otherwise it is not the truth.

The only glimmer of hope has disappeared so far.I took it for granted, and turned my whole heart to Caroline. Who knows if there is truth in the world?For me, at this moment, Caroline is real. I usually don’t eat at noon, so I ignored Neo’s objection, bought cooking utensils, and arranged meals for a month.And insisted not to go to restaurants in the future, so as to keep the money for next month's expenses. At noon this day, I made Yangchun noodles with monosodium glutamate, lard, and soy sauce, and everyone ate them deliciously.It's like I've been hungry for a few days, and I added bowl after bowl. It seems that I, the leader of the army, is done.

Our life is very regular, the daily classes are over, and we have a rest in the afternoon.Because of the hot weather, everyone is diligent in taking a bath.Fortunately, this dilapidated building has an extremely well-ventilated bathroom. Although there is no electricity, there is no shortage of water.After taking a shower, I wash my clothes. After washing, I put on my upper body when it is wet, and let the sun and body temperature dry automatically. Because life is simple and there is no need for entertainment, men don't care much about their hair and beards. The longer they grow, the more fashionable it becomes for young people to imitate.On the contrary, it was Xiuzi and Caroline who often took the scissors themselves and cut their short hair like a dog chewing it.

Every Sunday morning, we still have a very important homework, which is to go on tour.The so-called tour means that several of us elders have to line up and walk in single file, and we specially walk in urban areas or places where people gather, accepting people's ridicule and insults, the purpose is to eliminate our vanity.Because ordinary people can't understand our maverick, when they see our team, they often laugh and criticize us, and so on. At first I really couldn't accept this ceremony, not because I was afraid of being insulted by others, but because I felt it was unnecessary.Why do you have to affirm or deny the choices you make?Neo's explanation is that social beings have a sense of vanity, and they rarely have the opportunity to speak in unison against a group that does not belong to them.The tour is to let them vent, but also to strengthen their self-confidence.

Sunday is a big day for Brazilians to attend mass. Early in the morning, men and women flock to the square in front of the church in well-dressed, unanimously.Before entering the church to receive the sacrament, chatting with each other is their warm-up program. At this time, we, a group of strangely shaped foreign men in dove clothes, bowed their heads, like repenting sinners, shuttled among the group of angels in front of heaven.So the shouting and cursing one after another immediately replaced the whispering.Some in the crowd bared their teeth, some frothed all over the mouth, and they all raised up the huge banners of defending the way, and tried their best to whip them. Neo is always the leader, with long hair hanging down his shoulders and firm steps.Followed by Tony, a playful look, and likes to wink at young women, often causing gentlemen to speak ill.Ganger is very honest, he is always thoughtful and never looks up at people.When Xiuzi, Caroline and I arrived, most people talked and commented. I couldn't help muttering in my heart, although Hanshan and Shide are our ancestors, as a Chinese, I can't win glory for the country, and I am really ashamed to travel across the ocean to be the object of insult. However, this kind of training is of great help to my attitude towards life and dealing with things in the future.Because I have always adhered to principles, it is difficult to gain the approval of others, so I often suffer from blank stares.Since going through this humiliating ritual, I've seen it through.What I do is my own choice, and I don't need the approval of others. Why should I care about other people's opinions? Lao Tzu once said in the "Tao Te Ching": You are as shocked as you are by favor or humiliation, and you are as afraid of great trouble as you are.Being influenced by others is originally a strategy for group survival.However, in the realm of thought, the minority always leads the majority. How can the leading minority be influenced by the masses?Therefore, anyone who is shocked by favor and humiliation must have no self-knowledge, and of course he has to rely on others! Neo and Xiuzi work very hard, one is always reading, and the other is painting.Tony and Ganger went out every day, and often didn't come back until late at night, and sometimes they didn't even come back for their daily classes until the next morning.Caroline is inconstant, elusive, and she can sit still all day.When he was in a good mood, he followed Tony out like a gust of wind. My diary is very busy, especially these days have changed so much, I have jumped from hell to heaven suddenly, and there are too many scattered thoughts that need to be completely rectified.I can't always stick to Caroline's side, and I don't have so many topics to get tired of. She will leave sooner or later. I must take this opportunity to stand up by myself. The initial attraction between people is appearance, demeanor and conversation, and the further step is thoughts and concepts. After a long time, feelings are involved.Caroline and I were still at the stage of communicating ideas, like a misty mist.What makes me regret is that when I face each other every day, I seem to have endless words in my heart, but I have nothing to say verbally. I have long known that the pain and happiness of the state of mind have no absolute relationship with material conditions, but without actual verification, it is just a concept.Now, just because there is nothing left, I am determined not to expect anything.To have a place to shelter from the wind and rain, and to have a little food to satisfy one's hunger, is as satisfying as being an emperor.That being the case, there is no need to worry about tomorrow, just put a blanket on your back and go, no matter where you go, it will not be worse than today. Before I came here, I had a living job, a little savings, a working old car, and a few favorite oddballs.But at that time, in addition to being full of guilt for my friends who joined the China-Malaysia Company in Taipei, I was still worrying about my future and life every day.Even with only a few pennies in the bag, it is inevitable to be tempted by the various displays in the shop windows.It is clear that it is useless to buy it, but my heart is already enslaved by material desires, and I hate myself for being down and out. As the saying goes: People compare themselves to others, and people are pissed off. Some people base their happiness on comparing themselves with others.What you wear, what you eat, what you live in, what you use, and even your spouse and children are all comparable.What is this for?What standard in the world can be used to measure it?What is the point of comparison to be satisfied?Besides, is it worth the price to fight for this breath? Modern society is based on this kind of vanity competition. All kinds of commercial advertisements take advantage of people's ignorance to brainwash people and instill some irrelevant values.People have more contact with it, and they believe it to be true, and even regard it as a golden rule.Even if someone still doesn't believe it, once his neighbors proudly show off to him, they will resolutely invest in it because they are not to be outdone.The result is that regardless of intelligence, age, gender, and occupational nationality, everyone is up and down in this almost crazy competition, but it is called prosperity. When I was in the United States, I once saw a TV advertisement. There was a car parked on a steep peak in the Grand Canyon, and a beautiful woman stood beside the car.That shot is indeed beautiful and majestic, but what does it have to do with that car?Is there really such a stupid person who believes that cars can fly up mountains?What was the ad trying to show? In fact, it's just taking advantage of people's psychology.Few people have the opportunity to go to that peak and see the rough scenery.In front of the deep and vast background, on the jagged, yellow dusty sedimentary rock, a modern car with clear lines and dazzling glory stands proudly.In addition to being bold and majestic, what is even more incredible is that the peak is thousands of feet high, and you can drive a car up it! Not to mention, when the camera turned around, an extremely charming, weak and plump beauty appeared beside the powerful car.But seeing her dress fluttering with the strong wind, her hair fluttering in the clear sky, forming a strong and romantic contrast.The camera gradually pulls up and looks down. In the vast expanse, a precipitous cliff rises from the flat ground, with a lone peak standing alone, and a beautiful woman in a speeding car looms above it. It's spectacular, thrilling, beautiful and suspenseful!Whenever people think of spectacular and glamorous things, they will think of that lens, and even more so, that car.After much deliberation and overthinking, a desire formed in my heart.Desire is the slave labor that builds the mirage, in which joy and happiness are loaded, so that car becomes the indicator of happiness. Not only in business, but also in politics, religion, sports, art, and all walks of life.Because no matter what kind of game, only when the public participates can it be powerful, and if the public is to participate, it must first arouse their interest.The vast majority of people are mediocre. They have no chance to become successful, become saints and ancestors. They can only rely on some idols that they admire, and combine their feelings with those shining stars with care and nostalgia. On the surface, this era is full of excitement, the world is prosperous, and life is fulfilling.In fact, people are still people, whether it is a shining star or an unknown public, everyone lives in the illusion created by others. This reminds me of the most controversial sentence in the "Tao Te Ching": It often makes the people ignorant and desireless, and makes the wise dare not do it.Modern scholars believe that Laozi advocated a policy of ignoring the people, and making the people ignorant is ignoring the people.Scholars who say this kind of thing take it for granted that their ears must be very knowledgeable, but they don't know what they know?There is nothing wrong with knowing what others know and what you want, but don't you know the truth of life?If you know, then why oppose making the people ignorant and desireless? All knowledge today is just for making a living, but has the quality of life improved?Driving a famous and expensive car every day, congested on the road, places that can be reached by walking for only ten minutes, but as a result of modernization, they have to be locked in the car for several hours.Yes, homes are cleaner and more luxurious than before, but most people just go home and sleep every day.Busy all day, building a corporate kingdom, but had to flee back to the lonely little world amidst the smog.Endlessly chasing fame and fortune, forgetting who he really is!Is this how human life should be? Originally, I thought that these hippies could get rid of material temptations, even if they had no relationship with the truth, they would not lose their innocence.But getting along with each other every day, what I saw and understood deepened, and I realized that I still hadn't broken out of the nest.They do have ideals than ordinary people and have the courage to pursue them.However, this ideal cannot solve their physical and mental needs.Insufficient material conditions, they put their love on marijuana and obtain compensation in anesthesia.As for the struggle for fame and fortune, the intensity is no different from that in the secular world.The only difference is that there are few things and people here, and the difference between gains and losses is extremely limited. Take smoking cigarettes as an example. In order to allocate the quantity or which brand to buy, I have argued several times to the point of using the precepts.When reading the scriptures, the length of time each person takes up has also become a point of contention. Neo is very concerned about his image and needs respect from others, so he tries his best to suppress Tony.Although Tony admires Neo, his old habits are hard to change. He doesn't talk about eating, drinking and having fun as usual. When there are many people, he can't control it. He has to show off to his heart's content. Tony had a plan. He wrote a manifesto, using a wide-open colored paper, drawing extremely beautiful decorative lines, with a poem written in curly script in the center, with more than twenty signatures under it.The line of the poem is: Have you ever worshiped the sunrise in the morning? To accompany the sunset at dusk? Have you ever been in the middle of the night In the dreamland of the earth, alone Sea sand and cheek stroking? Silvery white, the tide washes away the moonlight Trembling, naked? today Tomorrow Day after Tomorrow, In heaven, on earth, or on earth; Where am I? Where is there another me? Have you ever thought about it? Whose home is the earth? The blue sky is the dome, the loess is the mat, and the green furnishings, besides Sun, moon, stars, and endless eternity. Who is cruel? Have the heart? To make her broken on purpose? friend! Abandon it! Let trash be yesterday's nightmare, Besides you, there is me, Where are you without me? Friends, friends are one! The price of this recognition is about 20 yuan in US dollars.Tony has found more than two dozen sponsors, but Neo has always opposed the plan.On the one hand, Tony spent part of the money on socializing, and on the other hand, Tony was not allowed to participate every time he went out to find someone. While admiring Tony's masterpiece, I was full of praise.When Tony met his bosom friend, he was overjoyed for a while, and happily talked about how he went to negotiate.Of course, some wonderful plots are indispensable, which made us breathless with laughter. Neo listened on the sidelines, greatly disapproving.He began to complain that Tony only cared about his own happiness, spending all the money he raised on drinking and socializing.Tony was in high spirits, and for the sake of face, he made some excuses to defend himself.Neo obviously wanted to stand up, and the two quarreled and scolded. Everyone was alarmed, but no one could stop them.Caroline had to pull me away, and everyone stood aside, watching the two tigers fight. Neo's Italian plaster face, with his shoulder-length hair, looks like a lion.This time he was really angry, every word was like a sharp sword, and the sword pierced Tony's vitals. You think I don't know?Every day you use an excuse to go out to work, who doesn't know that you go to bars to have fun, and you are worthless! Tony struggled like a wounded beast. You think I like going out?In order to solve the problem of food and accommodation for you, I have to work hard!The sun is hot outside, it's hot and tired, I should take a rest and have a glass of wine!You think I'm having fun?Go yourself! It is you who want to steal the limelight and not let others participate, who is to blame? Tony couldn't take it anymore, he clenched his fists and almost exploded I deserve it!Let's wait for a good time, but come to suffer with you! Neo sneered and said disdainfully: You deserve it!If you are not convinced, go back by yourself, and no one will stop you! Tony suddenly roared, ran to the wall like a madman, and punched the wall with all his strength.Seeing blood bursting and flying, Tony screamed and fell to the ground, rolling with his right hand in his left hand. We were terrified and rushed him to a nearby hospital.As a result of the examination, several phalanxes in his right hand were dislocated and fractured, but fortunately they were not serious.The position was fixed, the medicine was applied, and then the plaster was put on, and I was busy until late at night. I figured they were going to break up, Caroline didn't think so, she said the two of them quarreled so much that they would have broken up long ago.It's because they depend on each other, so they both want to conquer each other, otherwise what's the fuss about? She was right, like a tropical storm that comes and goes as fast as it does.When I woke up the next morning, the sun had not yet risen, and the rain had passed and the sky was clear.Tony looked at his dangling right hand and saw Neo attentively taking care of it, both of them were moved.They couldn't speak a word, and they held each other's left hands tightly, weeping at each other. In the morning class, Neo and Tony apologize to each other, and everyone deeply self-reflects. Neo said: Do you know why this happened?Everyone was silent, and Neo said again: We've lived here too long, and everyone is bored, so I can't control myself. When Tony heard it, he slapped his thigh with his left hand and said: It makes sense!I also wonder why I want to quarrel these days! I discussed it with Xiuzi, and it would be good for everyone to go out and relax. great, where are you going?Tony immediately perked up. Go to Belling Island, it's very quiet, there's no one there.There is a holy place, there is the Holy Spirit.We go there often, fasting and expecting grace. Bellin Island is located in the west of Shashi. It is a coral reef in the Atlantic Ocean. The island is very small and there are no sightseeing facilities.Although the beaches there are beautiful, there are beautiful beaches everywhere in Shashi, and no one wants to go that far. Tony seemed to be bitten by a snake, he immediately recovered his painful expression, and hugged his painful hand.Others sat dully, making no comments.Neo looked around for a week and knew that everyone was not interested, so he said: Then, you all stay at home and do your homework. Xiuzi and I will leave after our daily classes and come back in three days. Neo rolled up the blanket and carried it over his right shoulder, with his treasure bag on his left.His upper body was a sheepskin vest studded with shiny stainless steel buttons.Underneath is a pair of shorts with whiskers along the sides and a pair of Japanese slippers, completely authentic hippie attire. Xiuzi only has two sets of clothes, one is a lace shirt and red hot pants, and the other is red and white flower pants.She looked in the mirror, comparing and comparing, changing and changing, which took more than ten minutes. Neo leaned against the door and kept shaking his head and sighing, but Xiuzi couldn't decide which outfit to wear. After all, Caroline is a woman. She walked up to Xiuzi, looked at the red and white flower that she saw every day, and then said in a surprised tone: "It's so beautiful!" As if by magic, Xiuzi was as happy as a model on the runway, tiptoed and twirled in a circle, and then embarked on the journey with Neo without looking back. Neo was afraid of missing the boat, so he strode ahead, his long hair was blown up by the wind and flew in mid-air.The sun shone on the steel buckle, giving off a gleaming silver light.The two bags were shaking left and right, the black hair on the legs was tangled with the thread of the trousers. Tony walked behind him, with crystal beads of sweat on the top of his slightly bald head, and a small head supported by a big beard with cheeks.She was wearing the floor-length African robe, and her steps were fast, flying freely and freely like a big butterfly. Xiuzi took three steps and made two steps, half walking and half running, dragging behind Tony more than ten yards, the little red leather bouncing up and down.Behind me was Caroline and I who lined up side by side. I walked forward with my head down, and she looked around indifferently. Along the way, the ordinary people in the city were all dumbfounded and pointed at us, which was not much different from the reactions of the gentlemen in front of the church.When I put myself in my shoes and thought about it, this kind of spectacle is extremely rare, and I couldn't help feeling ridiculous. Soon Caroline noticed my abnormality and gave me a disapproving look. I had no choice but to mock and say: Look, don't we seem to be escorting the African emperor on tour? She ignored me, her light gray eyes were lighter than a cloud of fog under the sun. When we arrived at the pier, we sent Neo and Xiuzi to the ferry, and Tony hurriedly took us to the roof of the seaside market.This is the famous local products and cultural relics exhibition area in Shashi, and it is often crowded.Downstairs, there are performances of Samba, Magomba and Kangdongbul (a kind of witchcraft), and a circle of local snacks in the middle of the upstairs.On the periphery is an open-air balcony teahouse. People hang colorful parasols on their heads and lean on canvas lounge chairs, drinking beer and watching the sea view. We hurriedly shuttled between the seats, squeezed through the crowd, and rushed to the rail near the sea.Looking down, I happened to see the ferry slowly leaving, and Neo was waving his hands in the distance, and we waved in reply.This situation made me suddenly think of a spy film shot by Americans in Jamaica. I couldn't help but whisper to Caroline: Look, doesn't this look like the end scene of a spy movie? She nodded and said: Yes, they are finally free. At the end of every movie, there will always be a happy marriage.I said proudly. She finally laughed: fool!Not in spy movies! We only have three rooms, Neo and Xiuzi sleep in the work room, Caroline and Sarso and another hippie sleep in the back room, and I sleep in the play room with the others.Since Charso and that hippie rarely come, and people often smoke marijuana in the entertainment room, it is difficult to have peace.After obtaining Caroline's consent, I moved into the inner room and shared a room with her. That night, Caroline and I were talking nonsense for a while, and as soon as we closed our eyes, Tony came back.He called Caroline over, and they talked quietly at first, but then grew louder and even quarreled.I was afraid that the Tony volcano would erupt, so I didn't care about any personal matters, so I walked into the workshop where they were talking and sat at the window by the street. It was already early morning, and the moon was hiding behind the ridge of the roof, ready to go to rest.The stars are only showing off in Tianxin, and the black sea is still black, as if isolated from the world.As far as the eye can see, only the street lamps on the street are still emitting their afterglow lazily, drawing circles of dim yellow light balls on the dark ground, much like hanging an oil painting of Van Gogh. All around was quiet, Tony's voice lingered in the silence. You are too ignorant!You won't sleep with me, and you won't sleep with anyone else, are you so holy? You talked for a long time, about this, about that, and now you're going to bed again.What does my ignorance have to do with your saying that I am ignorant? Just because you are ignorant, you don't understand! Seeing Tony half lying on the ground, I understand.He was well informed that Caroline was going back to Rio de Janeiro.He once asked me to persuade her to stay, saying that she was still naive and afraid that she would be hurt.At this time, he must have had to say something, but he didn't want to say it directly, so he beat around the bush and said some irrelevant things.Obviously he was not sure, or he wanted to save face, so he couldn't ask her to stay. You broke someone's heart, you know that? Whose heart have I broken?Could it be you? I'm not sad at all!Tony turned his head away. Caroline ignored him, walked to another window in front of me, leaned against the window lattice, and stared into the sky. Since Tony once asked me to persuade her, and probably only I can break the deadlock, I said to the two of them: Can I express my opinion? you say.Caroline didn't look back, just said. What Tony meant was that you shouldn't have left us! She suddenly realized: It turned out to be for this matter! Not for this one, what else?You think I really want to sleep with you?Tony was even angrier. Why didn't you say it earlier? You are not sensible yourself, do you want me to beg you?Tony shook his plastered hand and said excitedly. I have my own reasons, so I can't leave. Tony rolled over and sat up, and said sincerely: Look!After I came here, I have completely changed. No matter what difficulties you have, we can definitely help you solve them. I also took the opportunity to persuade her: Of course, we may not be able to solve any problems, but you tell us that it is better than facing the problems alone. Caroline fell silent, and Tony lay down again, an uneasy silence filling the air.In the street below a paralyzed and crippled man, who used to groan in agony in the dead of night, heard his mournful cries again and again. you listen!How he wept!Tony sighed. Caroline listened carefully for a while and said: He didn't cry! How could he not cry when he was so miserable?Tony was angry again. This may be his habit, or it may be despair, but he didn't cry. Who doesn't cry when in pain?Unless it's you! Why cry in pain?Does crying relieve pain? This is a meaningless dispute that will never reach a conclusion. Tony has extraordinary talents, but it is too subjective and too emotional.It just so happened that Caroline was a mystery, and her sentence of why she was crying in pain revealed the mystery. It was clear that she was in deep pain, which was too painful to wash away with tears. How deep can personal pain go?The brain has a limited volume, and when new things and new changes are stored in memory, the old ones are washed out.I have also been in pain, but at this moment, the present is just the present, and the past is gone. I believe that communication between people will divert people's attention, thereby reducing the level of pain.I really want to take the opportunity to chat with her. On the one hand, I hope to persuade her to stay and we can meet for a long time.On the other hand, I will use this to increase mutual understanding, maybe I can solve the problems in her heart and make her happy. The difficulty in the world lies in the rarity of suitable opportunities. Too much force or aimlessness will only lead to greater harm and misunderstanding.My knowledge is limited, and we don't know each other very well, so what should I say?How can I speak effectively?Besides, Tony is also present, he is a powder magazine that can explode at any time, can these words be discussed in front of him? As I was thinking about it, there was a burst of snoring, and Tony fell asleep.Caroline turned her head, cast him a pitiful glance, bowed her head, and walked away quietly. I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep, and Caroline turned and turned over and over again, and didn't fall asleep.I wanted to comfort her, for I was the only one of these poor souls who had long since put my pain on the shelf.I know that when people are in real pain, they need comfort. Even if it doesn't help, a little caring is a great comfort. Please forgive Tony, he likes you very much.I lay on my back and said. I know. He will be sad when you leave. I know. They don't really get relief, and I don't think staying will do you any good. I think so. Although I am also at a loss, I believe and hope to share your pain, if you are willing to regard me as a friend. After a while, she said softly: Good night. Neo was away, and the daily classes were deserted, so I accompanied Caroline to play around.But no matter what, her sad expression seemed to be frozen between the brows, thick and tightly, which couldn't be melted away. The day before Neo's return happened to be the weekend, and Caroline asked me to accompany her to find a friend and arrange a ride to Rio. Her friends sunbathe on the beach in Barra Baja every weekend. The sand there is very clean and it is a tourist attraction in Shashi.When I was studying at the Conservatory of Music, I often went there to sculpt sandmen. The beach was full of people that day, and as far as the eye could see, there were men and women lying on the shore doing sunbathing.In the clear shallow sea in the distance, there are tireless youths and children playing with the waves and waves. With so many people, where can I find them?I hope she will give up and go back and forget it. She took my hand like a couple.We followed the path stepped on by the seaside crowd and started from the right bank.The sun was on our heads and the beach was steaming hot. After a while, we were sweating and felt the heat in both hands.I feel extremely happy and sweet, and hope that this life will go on like this forever; she turns her head from time to time and shows me a slightly apologetic smile. After searching for more than two hours and looking back and forth several times, she still refused to give up.Finally, on one side of the beach, next to a pile of rocks, a large bath towel was spread out, and two couples of men and women were lying on it.One of the boys appeared to have been injured, with his left leg encased in a plaster cast from the knee to the ankle.He enjoyed it very much, resting his injured leg on his girlfriend's bare belly beside him. Caroline walked over and called William. Seeing her, the young man with a broken leg said in surprise: You haven't left yet? I'm waiting for peter. Peter?He left the day before yesterday! oh?She was too disappointed to speak, I pulled her hand, hinting her to go back.She still didn't give up, and said: Peter told me that he would leave tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Did you remember wrongly?I will be leaving tomorrow. So Caroline hesitated and said: Can you take me? Are you not afraid?William pointed to his injured leg. What are you afraid of?She was very brave. I'm leaving early in the morning the day after tomorrow, so come and find me. I felt a little strange, and walked sideways with her silently. I couldn't help but ask: How many of you are walking together? Just him and me. Are you driving? I won't. My heart is about to jump out of my mouth: you can't open it? That's a motorcycle!Fool! It was exactly what I was worried about!I yelled: No, I won't allow you to go like this! Are you afraid of riding a motorcycle? Don't you see his legs? So what?It was like that when he came from Rio. impossible!The Highway Police will catch it. He was wearing flared trousers, no one could tell. No, it's too dangerous!I will do everything in my power to stop her: You may not be afraid of death, but you will increase his burden, and if one more person sits, the center of gravity will be different. She showed a cute smile, looked at me, and said calmly and meaningfully: Don't worry about me, worry about yourself!I was like this before I saw you, and I will still be like this afterward.You go after your truth, what I need is stimulation! She is right, I can't change her, these worries are superfluous.Why use your own feelings to restrain her?Let her leave gracefully, and let me wake up freely However, I am still me, I held her hand tightly, faced her, and said almost pleadingly: I only have one last request, you have to promise me! good!Say it! Unexpectedly, she agreed so happily, why not two or three?Greedy man!I said: No more marijuana until you get to Rio! She smiled, so sweetly: what does it mean?What if he smoked? he?I don't care about it, and I don't want to know, it's just a little selfishness for my self-comfort. After thinking about it, she readily agreed. After Neo returns, Caroline explains her decision to go.Neo didn't say anything, just asked Tony to find some friends and let everyone get together at night. The gathering of hippies means that everyone comes to get together, even tea is a luxury.Unfortunately, in Puccini's opera Bohemians, everyone pawned their only property in order to cure Mimi's illness, but it still couldn't save her malnutrition caused by poverty. Now, Caroline was leaving, like a fallen leaf in the autumn wind, alone, about to disappear.I can't keep her, but I love her selfishly, wanting to capture the last moment of separation.But, as a hippie, what should I use to see her off?The only deposit I had was to buy rice and grain, and I was already penniless, and I didn't even have any property to pawn. I had the cheek to borrow some money from my Chinese friends.接著，問題來了，這點錢能買什麼呢？ 我想到那天喝的棗香似的飲料，雖不知名，但瓶子還記得。我耐著性子，跑遍了大街小巷的雜貨店、以及上下城的超級市場，沒有！我不死心，這是我唯一能做到的，總要找到最後一秒鐘為止。 皇天不負苦心人，在一個偏僻的小店裡，我問到了這種果汁。那是很久很久以前的產品，如今已被可口可樂取代了。店主在一處舊物堆中找到了兩瓶，我欣喜若狂，全買了下來。 我又買了她愛吃的玉米花、香蕉，還買了一條大毛巾，在摩托車上可以裹著保暖。 回到危樓，她一見到我，就說：你到哪裡去了？I look for you everywhere! 有生以來，難得有人關心我，心中泛起一陣酸楚，眼圈也開始濕潤。我不敢看她，立刻奔進廚房，忙將起來。她也跟進來，一眼看到那瓶沒有招牌的果汁，驚訝地問道：這個是不是 我開了一瓶，倒了一杯給她，才說：當然是，只是現在已經不生產了，全世界只剩下這兩瓶。 她看了又看，顏色比上次喝的淡，但香味依然。喝了一口，她半皺著眉頭說：是它。 我看情形不對，也喝了一口，有點酸，味道遠不及我們上次喝的濃郁。顯然是存放的時間或方式不對，沒有達到醱酵的效果。 我只好自我解嘲地說：另一瓶我要好好地保存起來，讓它醱酵，等到十年、二十年後。假如我們還有機會重逢，而妳還記得我的話，我再請妳喝，保証和上次一樣甜蜜。 她聽了低下頭去，沒有作聲。 我又掀起蓋著的爆玉米花，說：我知道妳喜歡吃，只可惜這不是現炒的 突然間，她口中迸出哦的一聲，張開雙臂，投進了我的懷抱。在心理上毫無準備下，我垂著兩隻手，不知道應該如何是好。直到她身上的熱力溫暖了我的心田，禁不住淚珠漣漣，我也緊緊地摟著她。 沒有激情，也沒有興奮，像是辛苦地跋涉了萬水千山，驟然回到家園，只有無比的安慰，返回天地本具的寧靜。 她顯然比我激動得多，伏在我的肩頭不住地抽搐，滾滾清淚濕透了我的上衣，滲進了我的靈魂。哭吧，哭吧，同是天涯倫落人，不論妳有多少委屈，也不論我能否承受。我願意用自己的性命，為妳、為全人類贖清罪孽。 良久，良久，她終於輕輕地、斷斷續續地說：我必須告訴你，我的未婚夫在里約，有一天我看到他他和我的母親，他們在做愛一股熱流從我肩頭直瀉而下。她再也忍不住，竟痛哭出聲了。 可憐的孩子，我還能說什麼呢？以某些人的標準來說，這種事又算得了什麼？可是，對一個尚有良知與理性的人而言，世界上還有什麼比這種事更難以忍受？再低賤、再無知的人，也應該分得出人和豬狗的不同。豬狗只是交配，而人自稱為做愛，既然是愛，難道連愛是什麼都不知道嗎？ 這個時代，多少人假著自由之名，把人類歷經數千萬年來，由痛苦經驗中學習到的倫理道德棄之不顧，只是為了發洩其禽獸的本性。The results of it?除了証明他們擁有豬狗一般的肉體外，還有什麼？由凱洛琳這個例子，我簡直不敢想像，在當今這種社會裡，究竟還有多少反常悖倫的行為？ 這不是凱洛琳一個人的不幸，這是整個人類的悲劇。這也不是她一個人的恥辱，而是任何具有理性者共同感到的羞侮，只是事情剛好發生在不幸的她身上而已。 我任她哭著，讓她用流自心底的清淚，洗滌心靈的創傷。 最後，她推開我，低著頭，像幼兒一般用手背擦著臉，說：我想抽點大麻，可以嗎？ All right!我陪妳抽。現在我體會到大麻的效用了，在這一刻，我也想忘掉自己。 不一會兒，屋子裡漸漸坐滿了人，我試著追憶剛才與凱洛琳共處的時光。但是，在麻醉的狀態下，記憶像是水裡的肥皂一般，一捉住就溜掉了。 繞了很久的圈子，我突然想起，她今夜就要走了 Caroline!我夢囈一般，喉間震動著，驚醒過來。凱洛琳已經不在身邊！she left?為什麼不告訴我？我的禮物還沒有給她，她怎麼可以走？ 我立刻站起來想找她，屋子在旋轉，有些人在唱歌，有的在跳舞，到處是人影晃動，她不在房中。我跨過地上橫七豎八的人堆，看到裡間有些微弱的燭光，推開門，是她！一個人盤膝坐著，凝視著蠟燭，像一座泥雕菩薩。 我看見自己取出毛巾，放在她面前。我頭腦還很清楚，說起話來卻很吃力，只聽到自己微弱的聲音由遠方傳來。 早上很冷，妳可以裹在肩上。 她緩緩地抬起頭來，那灰濛濛的眸子 半響，她才說：唔！ah 一靜下來，人就遁離了現實。眼前看到的是坐在摩托車後的她，沒有駕駛，只有一條打著石膏的腿。車子飛著，飛著，遠了，遠了我伸出了手 她迷惑地望著我，那深邃眼神寒冬的清晨又聽到自己的聲音。 我來道別 她還在這裡，頭低下去了，似乎是她的聲音。 還沒有到我們道別的時候。 ah!她不走了？是啦，她不會走的菲力和白蒂 你們躲著人談心啊！東尼的吼聲由遠而近，我發覺自己還伸著手，站在門口。 東尼拿了一件他畫的恤衫，走進來坐在凱洛琳的身邊，她轉過身來對著他。我也趁勢坐在門旁，搖搖頭，振一振精神。抬望眼，那放在她面前的大毛巾，已不知到哪裡去了。 送給妳！東尼說著。 我沒法帶。凱洛琳答著。 東尼把恤衫摺成一小塊，不高興地說：我不信這樣小都不能帶！ 他們又在爭吵了為什麼？ real. 妳就是不肯接受別人的好意！Who said that?分明她收下了我的禮物 凱洛琳微笑著她那灰色的光芒籠罩著我陣陣的淒風無限的哀涼她要回到她未婚夫的身邊了未婚夫？東尼誰在做愛 東尼粗暴地拉起她，說：來！喝點酒！ 我想阻止他，可是我的手在哪裡？我的心在哪裡？ 凱洛她回過身來望著我我想說，不要坐摩托車走，但聽到的卻是：清晨很涼啊 I know 她知道？她好像什麼都知道振作一點！為什麼今天我要抽大麻？為什麼我不能保持清醒？ 我掙扎著爬起來，為了看個清楚，特別坐在一個角落，瞪大了眼睛。凱洛琳和秀子擁抱著眼皮太重了，不斷地垂下來，我只看到一條細縫艾洛伊莎她說過我只看得到一半哈哈，現在連一半都 凱洛琳又擁著甘格下一個該是我了我該說些什麼呢？ why are you leaving能不走嗎？我用什麼理由留她呢我從來不是個好情人可是我從來沒有過合適的機會呀！ 格林哥歪著頭，遠遠在前面走著白蒂把小尼可兜在胸前一隻大袋鼠溫香軟玉，是凱洛琳的頭在我懷中 時間像是一條黑暗的甬道，無盡地向前延伸。我拚命掙扎，努力向前摸索聖路易市昏黃的燈火，一個個咆哮的人影音樂學院的琴聲，艾洛伊莎的淚容台北，高大嚴肅的父親病床上的母親北國的雪花 待我從遙遠的他方回轉過來，身邊是出奇的冷寂，房中空空洞洞地，一個人也沒有。我坐在牆角，想必是迷迷糊糊的睡著了，頭已低垂到了胸前。 剛才的那場盛會呢？凱洛琳呢？ 我一驚，立時醒了。頭腦非常清楚，大麻的感覺已經消失，只是四肢有點酸痛。我看看錶，凌晨兩點！This is not a dream!晚會散了，凱洛琳走了！ impossible!我回想剛才的情景，凱洛琳還在與甘格道別，她怎能這樣絕情？這樣殘忍？她分明知道我眼巴巴地期望著，居然不對我說聲再見，就這樣離開了？ 我連忙爬起，到她房中一看，她的東西都不在了，只有沙爾索和另外兩個人睡著。 我的失望頓時化為憤怒，憤怒又化為絕望。一剎間勾起了從小到今，點點滴滴的委屈、冤枉、痛苦、怨恨 我衝進浴室，把門窗關緊，還在門縫裡塞了些破布。我要盡情地痛哭一場，把滿腔積聚的濁流一股腦傾洩出來！ 我哭得涕淚縱橫，汗水交流，為什麼上蒼待我如此不公？為什麼命運永遠與我作對？從有生之年直到現在，肉體上、精神上無盡的折磨，為什麼一刻都不放過我？親情得不到，母親終生病在床上，連看看我都隔得老遠！父親永遠掛著一副鐵青的面孔，動不動就是一頓痛徹骨髓的鞭笞！在學校，老師們冤枉我、誣害我，以至於學業受到影響！在社會上，更是與人格格不入，四處碰壁！再好的事情，都與成功絕緣！到如今，三十多歲的年紀，無家可歸！無處容身！連做了嬉皮都得不到一點點起碼的安慰！ 我有哪點不配？我又犯了什麼不可原諒的滔天大錯？為什麼連狗都有個窩，連鳥都有個巢，而我什麼都得不到？ 我的要求太高了嗎？我的希望太奢侈了嗎？God!我沒有妄想！只是謙卑地在等候，等候凱洛琳向我道別，說一聲珍重！難道連這一點期望我都不夠格？ It's so unfair!It's so unfair!unacceptable!unacceptable!這樣下去，生不如死！這樣活著，人生還有什麼意義呢？ die!死了以後，一了百了，做個孤魂野鬼也比做人痛快！ 如何死法呢？我揩乾了眼淚，遊目四顧，用毛巾繫著上吊嗎？不行，那屋樑已經腐朽，載不住我一百八十磅的身體。從窗口跳下去，萬一沒摔死呢？如果只摔斷了兩條腿，豈不是和樓下那位殘廢的老人一樣？ 那個老人還能博得一些人的同情，我呢？正當盛年，別人會怎樣說？ 再說，就算我死了，一個外國人，又是個嬉皮，身死異鄉，這一定會成為頭條新聞。是因為吸毒？Jealousy?還是？ 不論大家怎樣猜測，首先丟臉的是中國人。中國的苦難已經太多了，我沒有為她分憂，還要讓她因我而蒙羞，說得過去嗎？ 其次，這個團體也將受到輿論的攻擊，還有誰願意瞭解他們追求人生真理的意義呢？我自己不爭氣，自作自受，沒有理由連累他們。 生不是我所能決定的，死的權利也不在我的手中，我究竟算是什麼？一個被遺棄在茫茫人世中的廢物？ Why?Why?Why?Why exactly?像我這樣一個微不足道的小人物，竟然遭到造物主這種特殊的關注？ !