Chapter 34 twenty four

Johannes was breathing, that is to say, the respirator was helping him.The respirator was an air pump with a thick plastic tube extending from it to a mask over his face.The respirator hisses, clicks, inhales, then hisses, clicks, inhales, with regularity.The heart rate monitor next to the ventilator displays monotonous messages on the screen and emits mechanical beeps, which are also very regular. I sat on a high stool beside the operating bed, wearing protective clothing, plastic gloves, a hairnet, and a mask.Most of Johannes' body was covered by a green surgical sheet, only his head, neck, shoulders, and arms were exposed, and his skin was yellow.Various tubes crawled under the sheets, filled with liquids of different colors, connected to different machines.There was another tube with the needle point inserted into the back of his hand, and the other end was connected to a drip behind the headboard.

Ignoring the instructions they gave me, I took off my gloves and carefully placed one hand on the sheet, right on his left chest.His heart was beating, just as it always was, only a little too regularly, in a steady drum rhythm, unresponsive to my presence or touch.There was no increase in his heart rate, no quick beats of surprise or joy, no short, breath-holding pauses.The only sound in the operating room was suction, followed by hisses, clicks, and monotonous tiny beeps. I wish I lived in a time when people still believed in the heart, that the heart was the central organ that housed all the memories, talents, flaws, and other qualities that make a unique individual.I yearn to go back to the days of ignorance before the heart lost its place, before it was reduced to a vital but fungible organ.

Johannes' heart was still beating, and I could feel his heat, but the steady beating in my hand was just the blood being pumped around the body that had once been his.He is alive, but he no longer exists.But I still leaned forward, took off the mask, and whispered in his ear: Why?Why don't you say a word?Why won't you let me mourn for you while we still have the chance? Of course, I didn't get an answer.I straightened up and moved my hands from my covered chest to my exposed shoulders and around my collarbone.His skin was so warm, and the throbbing veins under his skin felt alive, that for a moment I thought he was going to raise a hand to caress my cheek and comfort me, just as he had a year ago when I first came here. Made the same at the orientation party one night.I closed my eyes, stroked his upper and lower arms, stroked the rough hair on his arms, and took his palms in both my hands.His hands were slack and heavy, but otherwise they felt just as they always did, broad and rough, like working hands, but with long, sensitive fingers, the dreams of a pianist or a surgeon.I turned over his hand and stroked his palm, stroking the deep lines in the palm and the smooth calluses on the soft bases of the fingers, which are like human fleshy toes.I feel his fingers with my fingers, and those fingers often touch my most sensitive parts passionately.I bent his palm and kissed it.When I kissed, I felt very, very close to his skin and the smell of his body, and I inhaled that smell deeply.

Dolly's voice startled me, and I opened my eyes at once.I didn't hear anyone walk into the operating room. Immediately I straightened up, let go of Johannes' hand, and looked towards the source of the sound.It turned out to be the birthmark nurse. Sorry, he said: the transplant team is going on, you have to OK, I said: I know.Without looking or touching Johannes' body again, I left the stool and followed the birthmark nurse out. The birthmark nurse came outside the operating room, stopped, and turned to look at me with that earnest look Pedro likes to make. What's wrong?I asked displeased.

Your face is very pale, he said: You look exhausted, like you need to find someone to talk about what you have been through. Oddly enough, I don't feel worn out at all.But life has taught me that trauma-induced reactions are sometimes delayed, and maybe the birthmark nurse saw something reflected in my face that I wasn't aware of.However, I didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment, especially I suspected that he might be referring to him when he said he wanted me to find someone.What can someone like him do for me in this situation? He seemed to hear my thoughts, and said: As you probably know, all unit personnel are trained in trauma management.Let's go back to the lounge.

I didn't know, but I said nothing, just shrugged, and followed him back to the lounge facing the park.The light outside the window changed somewhat, and the blue twilight slowly enveloped the silver-white world. please sit down.The birthmark nurse said, closing the door and checking to see if it was locked.I think it should be a reflex action, just like I just went to test whether the window is locked. I sat on the chair and he sat on the bed.I gave him a venomous look, at least I hoped that the look was venomous, and I wondered if I should tell him that the birthmark on his upper lip was not good for him, if the birthmark was removed, the people around him would also be removed, yes He should be better.

He smiled gravely and said: Don't worry, Dolly, I don't want you to tell me about your feelings and experiences, I just want to get away from the monitor and microphone.This room is an unsurveilled area where staff can come in and relax, knowing that no one is sitting there studying what we are doing or saying.The reason I want to come in with you is to give you this. He took a small plastic card from the pocket of his green bomber jacket and handed it to me.The unit logo was printed on the front of the card and a black magnetic stripe on the back made it look like a credit card or cash card.

What am I going to do with this?I asked. I fell silent after he said only one word, and turned to look out the window.A street lamp had just come on outside, its orange light blending into a deeper blue twilight.He cleared his throat and said again: I think you, like other unwanted individuals, lost everything at one time, and now that it's happening again, I think uh, it's hard to watch.It is true that you are an unwanted individual, but there is no doubt that this can be avoided if you try hard enough.But you are also human.Now that you've successfully impregnated yourself, you wouldn't be here if this had happened a year ago.In any case, in a democratic system, you have the right to have your own children, you and Johannes.Obie has that right.

The birthmark nurse paused and cleared her throat. And this, he continued, pointing to the plastic card in my hand, a key card that unlocks all staff areas, all rooms, and all residential quarters that are locked at night.Most importantly, it can open all outlets. what export?This is the first thought that popped into my mind.I look at that card.I never thought about getting out or escaping from here, even when I first came in I miss York, when I pulled the window a few hours ago, when I found out there was no monitor in this room, when I saw the ducks fly away through the trees, when I Feeling Johannes' heartbeat and knowing that he was gone, he didn't even think about escaping here.

The birthmark nurse continued: I didn't drop your application into the internal mailbox, I put it in the shredder on my own initiative.I did this to give you some time to reconsider.You can fill out another application form at any time, and it is never too late.But if you don't want to fill out another application form and you want to have a baby and put the baby up for adoption, then you're going to have seven to eight months without being part of the experiment and without any interruptions that might jeopardize both yours and the baby's. healthy.During this period, you can think carefully, make an escape plan and execute it.

He paused again, as if to give me a chance to speak, but I didn't know what to say, except that I absolutely couldn't say that he should remove the unnaturally round birthmark.He was silent for a while, and then said: This card is my personal card, a duplicate of my key card.If you decide to use this card of course you can decide for yourself, I just want to give you a chance that you can use it to swipe the card reader by the door, such as this one. He stood up from the bed, took the card from my hand, walked to the door, and swiped the key card through the card reader next to the door frame. The location of the card reader is very hidden. It's hard to spot.A small opening quietly appeared in the door frame, exposing the keyboard.The birthmark nurse typed in the code quickly, and immediately there was a tiny click on the door.He pushed down the handle, opened the door about an inch, and closed it again immediately.He walked over to the bed and handed the card back to me. OK, I said: But where am I going to find such a door?I have never seen such a door except this one.And how do I know which door is the exit and which one leads to the staff area? These doors are located in large public areas such as squares, Aceh walks and grand ballrooms.This type of door can lead to the stairwell, where there are identical doors that lead to break rooms, staff rooms, changing rooms, cleaning equipment and more.You must avoid these places.You just follow the stairs to the gate.You haven't seen the doors because you've never looked for your way out, have you?You never looked for an escape route, never wanted to escape, never had the drive to escape. I snorted in embarrassment and muttered: You can read minds? I can't read minds, but I've been trained to know what psychological tricks and power games they use to control unwanted individuals.I know how it works, and the ways they'll go about depriving you of the drive to escape.But if you do have drive, if you really want to live, you will find an outlet.I know it sounds crazy, but that's how human psychology works: we only see what we're ready to see and expect to see. But what about again?I said: If I decided to live and escaped without being found, where do you think I could go?I have no money, no place to live, no friends.how do i liveWhere am I going to produce?How am I going to support myself? I don't know, said the birthmark nurse: no, you'll figure it out.If you have the courage and strength to leave here, then after you go out, you will also have the courage and strength to do what you should do for yourself and your children.You are strong and I know you can adapt. I've heard this phrase before, even because I've heard it so many times that I'm sick of it.People often say I'm strong, and whatever that means, I've always taken it as a slight rather than a compliment.This is because I knew in the past, and I still know that there are no strong people in the world.Everyone is vulnerable, and it is true that some people are more independent, but that does not mean they are strong. Strong or not, I was holding the keycard in my hand, and I thought, maybe this keycard can be used as a substitute for strength. The birthmark nurse and I were silent for a long time.The room gradually darkened until there was only the light of snow and the light of street lights in the room.I can still see the birthmark nurse's face and the birthmark. The password, he finally said: it was 9844.I want you to memorize it or write it down, and don't tell anyone, and don't tell anyone about our conversation.Whatever you decide to do or not to do, wherever you go in the world, don't tell anyone. I nodded my head in understanding, and said very calmly: I don't know what to say, you're taking a big risk and even involving yourself.What if I drop this card?What if I suddenly get sick or have an accident and they cut my clothes and find this card?They'll be able to trace the card to you right away, and you'll be in big trouble. Yes, he admitted: that's why I'm asking you to be careful, it's for your own good and mine.Please memorize the password.Never take that card out, lest it be caught by a monitor, and never take it out to look at it, lest anyone be curious or suspicious.You have to be quiet, quick, and unobtrusive.If something happens out of control, well, it's God's will, and I definitely don't blame you. I fiddled with the card, turned it around, and put it in my pocket. You mean nine eight four four?I asked. right!He smiled and said: If you forget the password I will not forget.I said. Good, said the birthmark nurse: now go home and rest.By the way, I am deeply sorry for your loss, please forgive me. In the last sentence, he used a sincere tone that was different from a professional tone, and it really sounded from the heart. We leave the lounge together.It should be that the cold fluorescent lamp in the underground corridor stung my eyes, my head hurt, and tears welled up.With tears in my eyes, I thanked the birthmark nurse for taking the time to help me and talk to me.I left the operating room, still in tears.I walked into the green culvert, took the first elevator upstairs to the Aceh trail, and then changed to the H elevator. I arrived at H3, walked briskly across the common room of my apartment building, into the bedroom, and slumped on the bed, cheek against the pillow, legs curled up in a fetal position, arms wrapped around knees, eyes shut.