Chapter 35 twenty five

I woke up from the cold, shivering all over.It was night, and the clock on the bedside table showed 2:18.I got up and got out of bed and put my hand over the heater and felt it was warm, almost hot.I went to the other side of the room, and there was a thermometer on the wall that read seventy-five degrees Fahrenheit, so my chills had nothing to do with the temperature of the room. I thought to myself, this is a delayed response, and am amazed at how the human brain works: you can have your teeth chattering because of a big emotional swing, while another part of your brain calmly concludes that a delayed response is coming. .And if that wasn't enough, you can sit there and be amazed at how your brain works.

I used to sleep with my clothes on, so now I put a nightgown on top of my clothes, turned up the collar, wrapped myself tightly in the nightgown, tied it with a belt and tied it in a knot.But it was still not enough, I still felt very cold, so cold that I wanted to vomit.I dragged my trembling body, pulled a chair and put it in front of the closet, climbed up, opened the upper closet, and took out the old 100% wool double-breasted coat and put it on.I made my way across the living room to the kitchenette and made a cup of tea with warm milk and honey. I climbed onto the couch with my warm mug in my hands, crossed my legs, and covered them with a blanket.The cup of tea was steaming, with the scent of bergamot and milk.I brought my mug to my lips, took a swig, and stared at my gray-green blurred reflection on the blank TV screen, thinking I looked like a ghost, or an old Indian, thinking it was the lotus position The Indian chief Sitting Bull [Note].

【Note】Sitting Bull (1831︱1890), an Indian shaman, was also a brave warrior who led his people as a chief against the US government army. I didn't sleep that night and kept vigil all night, but there was no corpse to keep.I didn't do anything or think about anything during this time, not even thinking about Johannes, our baby growing inside, or the key card in my pocket.I just sat on the sofa drinking tea, and when I was done I just sat there with an empty mug in my hand. I could feel the room getting brighter, the DVD player clock showing six, then seven, then eight, then nine.Just after nine o'clock, I heard a series of knocking sounds, I jumped up in fright, looked around, and thought: What the hell is he doing?

Johannes, what are you doing?I asked.Then three more strong knocks echoed in the room, and I realized that someone was knocking at the door, and at the same time remembered that I had spent the night alone, and Johannes was not in the room.I also remember going into stagnation with my eyes open, hovering on the edge of sleep and wakefulness.For a moment I knew and believed that since Johannes wasn't with me, it must have been Johannes who knocked at the door, wanting to come in and say good morning.But like I said, it was just a momentary thought, a momentary thought, and then I was back in reality, back in the reality where Johannes was gone.I tried to stand up, but found that my lower body became huge and bulky, and I had to use all my strength to get myself off the sofa.The knocking came again, louder this time, three sets of three knocks each time.When I finally stood up, I felt dizzy and starry, and had to lean against the coffee table for a while.The knocking on the door continued without stopping, six, seven, eight, nine times impatiently.

coming!I yelled loudly, finally straightened up, threw off the overcoat that I felt was bulky at the time, and opened the door. Standing outside the door was Pedro, she tilted her head slightly, looked directly into my eyes with sympathetic eyes, and said respectfully in a small voice: May I come inside? Three things happened at the same time.The first was me stepping aside to let Pedro pass me and into the apartment.The second is that I woke up emotionally. Just as I stepped out of the way, emotionally woke up like a cat, from deep sleep to fully awake in an instant.The emotion I sensed was one of extreme hatred for this policewoman and her fake familiarity and professional demeanor of sympathy.Just as I step back and the hatred wakes up, the nausea erupts from my body like a volcanic eruption.

Excuse me.I just muttered this, and immediately rushed to the toilet, put my hand over my mouth, slammed the door, and lifted the toilet lid.With the vomiting came the wailing, choking sobs that tore my throat and stuffed my nose.I squatted in front of the toilet for a long time, tears and snot kept gushing from my face, and cold sweat was secreting from the pores all over my body. After vomiting and crying, I blew my nose a few times, flushed the toilet, and stood up with great difficulty.I had new soreness in my lower back, feeling stiff and brittle, as if the base of my spine was collapsing.I had to stabilize my body, support my back with one hand, and grab the washbasin with the other to prop myself up.I turned on the cold water, washed my hands, scooped up the water under the faucet, carefully leaned forward, washed my face with cold water, and rinsed my mouth with water.I straightened up again, gasping for breath from the pain, pressed my back again with one hand, and started to brush my teeth, but I could only quickly brush the front half of my mouth, lest the toothpaste go deep and cause vomiting again.I spat out the foam, rinsed my mouth quickly, turned off the tap, and dried my mouth and face with a towel.I stood where I was, staring at myself in the mirror over the washbasin. My skin was grayish white, my eyes were red and bloodshot, my nose was red and swollen, my cheeks were swollen, my hair was messy, my clothes were wrinkled, and my open nightgown was wet with sweat. one slice.I smoothed my hair and tried to flatten the clothes with my hands, but with little success.As I ran my hand through the right pocket of my trousers, I felt the rectangular key card through the fabric and thought: This is my secret.I wasn't thinking: this is my escape, this is my ticket to freedom, survival, my life with my children.I just thought: this is my secret.I wrapped myself in my nightgown and tied my belt.

Pedro made coffee and made two cheese sandwiches.I sat down at the table and let her pour my coffee and put the sandwich plate in front of me. Do you mind if I sit across from you?she asked in an almost deferential tone.I had an urge to answer: I don't mind, you'd better go to the corridor outside, wait until you hear me call you, and then come in to wipe the table, wash the cups and dishes, and then disappear silently.Of course I didn't say that, I just shook my head and compared weakly to the opposite chair.She pulled out the chair, sat down, and was silent for a long time.I sip my coffee and nibble on my sandwich, chewing slowly.

The newly awakened hatred was under my control, lying under the surface, in a state of rest.It wakes up like a cat and rests like a cat: its eyes are half-closed and its ears are like periscopes, picking up the slightest movement, hiss, whisper or sigh. I force myself down a sandwich slowly, and Pedro clears his throat.I ignored her, looked down at the coffee cup, picked it up, and took the last sip. Dolly, she said in her trademark calm and familiar tone: I'm sorry, really, I'm so sorry about all this. everything?I glanced at her suspiciously and put down my coffee cup. I am telling you what you are going through.She explained: And everything you've been through.I think you as unwanted individuals often have to suffer a lot needlessly, after all you are not criminals and have done nothing to hurt others.I gotta say, you guys just live your life, don't think much about the future, and don't care much about the world around you.On the other hand, you usually live on little money, and most don't cause too much trouble.You may all have neighbors, but they never notice your existence, there are only a few who are really a burden to society, but I know you are not one of those people.You all lived with the headwinds of society and ended up here, but you all really had a good time here

It's just that time is running out.I added.She flushed crimson, cleared her throat, and went on: But sometimes you have tragedies like what you are going through now.I hope you don't have to go through this pain, I hope there are other solutions, I hope the government policy is different, less economical than she fell silent, leaned over the table, gave me a furtive glance, and continued to lower her voice Said: It is more inclined to a planned economy [Note]. 【Note】Planned Economy, that is, the economic policies adopted by communist countries. I raise my eyebrows.What the hell is she talking about?What is she trying to do?

She stopped talking and the flush was still noticeable but had subsided somewhat.Her eyes are a little bright, with a little fanaticism, as if she is sharing with me her secret desires and taboo values. But the so-called taboo values ​​do not actually exist. In a democratic system, everyone has the right to have their own hopes and express their own views and feelings, as long as they do not offend, threaten or persecute others.Had that power been limited, Pedro, chief executive of the Second Reserve Bank of Biomaterials, would not be sitting in my room with surveillance equipment expressing her views.Also, from experience, I know exactly how sensitive and clear a monitor mic is.But Pedro obviously didn't know that I knew about it, and she went on, her voice lowered:

I'd like to see a more socialist policy where everyone doesn't have to be useful all the time. She is just amazing.I don't know what she's trying to do, but her acting is top notch.If it weren't for the fact that I knew the high sensitivity of the surveillance system and that she was the CEO of the unit, I would have believed her.But I don't believe it, so I say: Cut the crap, Pedro, and tell me why you're here. She looked at me with a hurt expression, and replied in a submissive tone: I just want to see how you are doing. ok, thank you. And to inform you that you can take a week of sick leave. you are so kind.I said. I would like to take this opportunity to ask you to decide what you want to do and how you want things to be handled. Of course, you will decide when you want to decide.See if you miss her and clear your throat again: See if you want to donate embryos, or get pregnant at full term. I want to have my own baby.I interrupt her. She laughed, relieved, and said it was wonderful, and went on: I will tell Amanda about your decision.Eustorp, you will have regular checkups, ultrasound scans, amniocentesis and other tests.Once we know the baby is mature, you can decide for yourself when the c-section will be delivered, and then I will contact the adoption committee.I can tell you, Dolly, your case is very rare, so the adoptive parents will probably have to be carefully screened, and the government will investigate very carefully to decide who will adopt the child. I think so too.I said.This sentence is more of a statement than a question, because I know very well that adoption applicants are thoroughly investigated.I myself have applied for adoption several times, only to be rejected for a number of reasons, such as my low and unstable income, or the lack of proper male role models in my social circle.The last time I applied, I was considered too old. It occurred to me that if I had been approved for adoption and had managed to raise all the adoption fees and travel expenses and ended up adopting a child, the child might have been born to an unwanted woman who had been forced to give up the child . Pedro did not respond to my words, after all, this sentence is more like a statement of facts.She put her hands on her knees and made a gesture of getting up, but stopped again. By the way, Dolly, is there anything I can do for you?Do you need anything? Yes, I replied, surprised at how quickly my mind was racing, and if they hadn't cleared Johannes's room, I'd go in first, there's a lot of my stuff there. It was just an excuse, I just wanted to go to Johannes' room and be alone for a while.Pedro seemed to understand this, saying: I will arrange.I will also instruct the surveillance team not to watch while you are inside. Why? She sighed faintly.Because I think you have the right to be completely alone for some time. What is her purpose?She either expected something from me in return, or thought I would be forever indebted to her, so she was particularly cooperative and submissive.Or she was genuinely guilty, guilty of participating in the operation of this lavish slaughterhouse.Luxury slaughterhouse is an adjective used by Aisha. I suppose Pedro is human after all, and she may have her own children, her own man or woman, to raise them with her.Or she had lost a partner, perhaps the man or woman with whom she had raised children.Or maybe she did lose a child. I've never been aware of Pedro's affairs, and certainly haven't asked, and I have no desire to know her reasons or motives for what she's doing, other than to keep this brilliant woman at arm's length.It is clear that she has a high level of talent as an actress, although at times her performances go too far.She should have honed her candid and sympathetic bombastic acting a little more.Maybe she thought about becoming an actress before, but she finally gave up her childhood dream and chose safety and ordinaryness.From experience, this kind of person is rarely completely kind to those who choose to follow their teenage dreams, like me.They despise us for having an almost childlike sensibility that persists in us even after all these years.They also despise our unwillingness or inability to compromise and adapt to society.They call us bohemians, weirdos, aliens or ronin.They envy the few successful ones among us, and rub their hands happily when they see those among us who are gradually sinking. No, I don't want to approach Pedro at all, ask her personal questions, or even pretend to believe her kindness is genuine.I said: I don't think it's necessary to turn off the surveillance system, I won't be happier, I don't want to do anything that I can't be seen or heard.Plus I never know if the surveillance system is on or off, so it doesn't make a difference to me. But she doesn't give up: Whether or not you believe, think or think you'll be happier this way, I'm going to confirm for myself that surveillance will cease at Johannes' apartment at She looked at her watch and looked up at me: Is two hours enough?I shrugged. Then three hours, she said: In this case, from one to four this afternoon? I nod. OK, from 13:00 to 16:00 today, you can enter Room 3 in F2 area. Thanks.I said. During this time, the monitoring system will be turned off. whatever you want.I said. She got up and walked around the table toward the door, pausing as she passed me to put her hand lightly on my shoulder. If there is anything I can do to help, she said: Please tell me. She withdrew her hand and went out to leave.