Chapter 39 three

Alice's health deteriorated rapidly, with initial symptoms of headache, jaw pain, dizziness, and anxiety.Just after she told us that she had a brain tumor, her mind was not clear from time to time.She would suddenly lose track of what she was talking about, forget to meet us, couldn't find her way home, or turn her life upside down.She was often depressed and wept in despair.The work unit authorities let her do this, as long as she didn't hurt herself or others, for example, she didn't forget to cook food on the stove.But we all knew that it was only a matter of time before she was sent for the final donation.

Alice, Elsa, Fifi and I, try to get together like before, but we don't have the joy and healing humor we used to have.One reason is that Alice’s illness casts a shadow over everything, and the other reason is that the relationship between Elsa and me has dropped to a freezing point, which naturally affects the whole atmosphere. I originally planned to tell Feifei and Alice about the pregnancy, but after thinking about it, I decided to give up.I guess Elsa has told Feifei about it, but I don't know if I should tell Alice.Her condition was deteriorating rapidly, and the frequency of confusion about time and space was getting higher and higher, and she stayed in the lost state for longer and longer, so I didn't think it would make any sense to tell her.

Although we can no longer communicate like we used to, we still care for Alice together.When she was sick in bed, we took turns sitting by the bed with her every night.During the day, staff would come and go, making sure Alice was eating, bathing and dressing her.In the early stages, she will forget to do these things, or do them and forget.Sometimes she showers every hour, sometimes she goes days without a shower, sometimes she eats breakfast several times a day, and sometimes forgets to eat altogether.Sometimes she wears several layers of clothing for the odd reason that she doesn't know she has them on and therefore thinks she should.

One night, when it was my turn to be with Alice, I fell asleep on the sofa in the living room, only to be awakened by her crying.She cried like a child, so sad, miserable, heart-wrenching, willing to do anything for her to make her feel at ease.I bounced off the couch feeling dizzy and almost lost my balance in the dark.I leaned against the wall and shambled forward, feeling a little nauseous.I went into the bedroom, turned on the light, and saw Alice lying on the bed with her hands at her sides, looking at the ceiling, crying so emotionally that her whole body was shaking. I sat down next to her and hugged her shoulders.

Well, Alice, it's all right, I said: what's the matter?why are you so sad She didn't answer, just continued to cry as if she couldn't see, hear, or feel me.I spoke to her in a calm tone, touched her arms, her hair, her cheeks, and wiped her tears with the back of my hand.I try to communicate with her and let her know that she is not alone. Here I am, Alice, I say: I am here, maybe I can help you.Don't be afraid, there is nothing to be afraid of. I just kept talking, as reliably and calmly as I could.After a long time, the sobbing gradually stopped, and she said: I know, Mom, I know you are there, but I can't see you.

At this moment, I considered whether to tell her that I was not her mother, but decided not to.After all, at a time like this, it doesn't matter who I am, so I say: Because you're looking at the ceiling, honey, and I'm sitting next to you. She lowered her gaze, searched the room, turned her head in my direction, and with some difficulty, finally focused on my face.She sighed deeply, closed her eyes, turned to face me, curled up, smacked her lips contentedly, and fell into a deep sleep.I pulled the covers over her shoulders, stroked her hair, and went back to the sofa in the living room, closing my eyes and falling asleep.

In the morning Alice knew exactly where she was again, she just felt tired and paralyzed.I guess sleep can't touch this weariness, you have to work your way through it, and it either disappears or settles down and becomes a part of you.In terms of Alice's condition, that kind of tiredness naturally comes from a brain tumor, and it will definitely stay in her body.I helped her to the bathroom and put her to bed, and that alone took a lot of effort, so she went back to bed and slept for a while while I made breakfast. Thank you, Dolly.She slurred her words when she saw me carrying breakfast on a tray into the bedroom.You are like an angel.

You too, I said: You also take care of me many times. She sat up in bed and I piled pillows to support her back and let her lean against the headboard. Yes, but you are not sick, she said: It is very hard to take care of the sick, especially the dying ones. I handed her the coffee and said I wasn't sure she was right.Taking care of an able-bodied but traumatized person is as difficult as taking care of a physically sick person is easier, at least you know what to do.What to do if you can't help at all? Alice smiled slightly. Just listen, I guess.she says. Yes, isn't that the most difficult thing?I said.

Yeah?That doesn't require special knowledge or skill, just the ability to listen and a little calm body to do it, just sit still and listen, I don't see any difficulty in that. She turned her attention to the coffee, sipping it, closing her eyes for a moment after each sip, as if she really enjoyed the coffee.Then she stopped suddenly, looked at me and said: Try not to get mad at Elsa. What?I said: so you know us I didn't know how to finish the sentence, I just gaped and let the sentence hang there without a period. I noticed.Alice said in the slow, weary tone which had become her usual tone.Then she said:

You told her, right? What to say to her? Of course, tell her that you are going to have a baby. I frowned and looked down at my stomach. Oh, it was obvious from the beginning, Alice said, since I looked, it must have started about a week or so before Johannes died. I must have looked as if I had seen a ghost, for Alice laughed and said: Don't look at me like that, it's nothing weird, I'm not a psychic or anything.I know a lot of women who are pregnant and have babies, and I can tell when a woman is pregnant.Once a woman is pregnant, the face will change, it will become wider, the mouth will also become wider, of course, there will be subtle changes in body posture and eyes, but I can't tell what changed.

Alice put the coffee cup on the bedside table, shaking one hand, as if she wasn't strong enough to talk and hold the cup at the same time. What are you going to do?She asked: Are you planning to have a baby? right. Then what? I snorted and said: What about you? I have nothing to say, she said: You tell me. They will take the child, I said: they will take the child from me and give it to someone else. Alice looked at me with extremely clear eyes, as if she could see through me.She said nothing more, as if she knew, or at least suspected, that I had another option, another chance to escape. There is always something weird about dying people, as if their perception has expanded to a superhuman dimension, they have clairvoyant eyes, they have mind reading skills, they can see the future, and they suddenly understand what is going on in other people's hearts and bodies.This may be true, or it may just be that we wish to believe so, because it makes death seem more attractive and desirable. At last Alice said: Anyway, try not to get mad at Elsa. I am not angry with her, I said: she is angry with me. Try to get to know her, Alice said: I might have had her reaction too, if not for that. She tapped her head. Try to get to know her.She said it again, and I was terrified of her acting out the short-term memory loss again.But she continued: You haven't forgotten how it feels to lose a friend because of a child, have you? She didn't lose me, I said: I'm still here, and I haven't disappeared.If anyone has something to lose, is it me?I'm about to lose my baby. Alice looked at me again with those clear, all-knowing eyes.I didn't say any more, and sat with her in silence for a while.She reached for the coffee cup again.I handed her the plate with two cheese sandwiches I made, but she shook her head.She looks even more tired, and I can almost see her disappearing from me now.I put the plate back on the bedside table, and suddenly felt unspeakable sadness, as if a floodgate opened in my heart, and the tears poured out, which could not be stopped.I couldn't hide my tears, so I had to turn my head away. Dolly, said Alice dear, putting the coffee cup on the bedside table. Feel sorry!I sobbed: I should have been strong for you, but the thought of losing you was too much for me, I hated it. I know, Dolly, she said calmly: I feel very relieved to hear you say that, that's enough, you don't have to be strong. It was the first time in my life I heard someone tell me that I don't have to be strong. Hey, she went on: Climb into bed and lie down with me for a while, I think it's better for both of us. I nodded, picked up the tissue on the tray, blew my nose, walked around to the other side of the double bed, lifted the quilt, and crawled to Alice.Her body was very warm and hot, like a furnace. This was the last real conversation Alice and I had, and the last time she knew she was talking to me, and for a long while.Within a week, she made her final donation.A little boy with diabetes received the islets from her pancreas, and one of the country's biggest TV stars, mother of two, received Alice's remaining kidney.