Chapter 42 six

Aisha was lying on the grass in the winter garden with a blanket on her side, and the sun shrouded her.She rested her head on her arms, and an open book lay beside her.But she wasn't reading, she was asleep.Her chest rose and fell, and her breathing was deep and no longer rattling, but she sometimes coughed in her sleep.I stood a few yards from her on the gravel path, thinking of her in the shade.Dare I step forward?Dare I go up and sit next to her until she wakes up? I did.I walked out of the creaking gravel path to the quiet grass and sat cross-legged, arm's length in front of her so as not to cast my shadow on her.

What Alice said made me think over and over again.You haven't forgotten how it feels to lose a friend because of a child, right?I certainly haven't forgotten what it's like to be suddenly pushed out of the close circle, to the periphery of estrangement; to be second, third, fourth, last; Outside the door, yet paradoxically taken for granted.Old friends in society who are already parents have always wanted to meet me, but when they actually met, they were indifferent, and sometimes put on a condescending gesture, as if they were wrapped in an invisible protective pad, making it difficult to get close.At least that's always been the case when their kids were young.Oddly enough, this only happens to my female friends; the man will put a lot of focus on the baby and try to be a good daddy, but when the second child is born, things get messy, And with the birth of the third, fourth, and fifth children, the situation became more and more confusing.Men naturally only care about their own affairs, but women seem to have taken a sedative. They talk, laugh, nod, and smile, but their souls don't know where they are.They seem to have all their energies, all their attention on others, on a single entity, and that entity is the child.

I always thought they were doing it on purpose, they were more or less choosing to close their hearts to everyone except the kids.Of course, children must depend on their parents for their survival.I was always sure that this prioritization was a conscious choice, but I'm not so sure anymore.Now that I'm pregnant with a baby, I feel like I've changed.I focused on myself in a whole new way that was hard to articulate, and I began to see that the self-important parents might not have chosen to display that attitude.My senses have never been so sharp, especially my sense of smell and hearing. I have become very sensitive and easily moved, but at the same time it has become less and less able to accept the sorrows and troubles, joys and joys of the people around me.My friends are very important to me, and I only have these few good friends left. I don't think they have become less important, in fact, quite the opposite.I'm happy to meet new friends like Glenn, Mattes and others.I think Feifei is really a good friend, and I am very grateful to her.I grieve for friends who have passed away, including Alice, Lena, Eric, Vanya, Megan and others.Elsa was lying on the grass in front of me with her head resting on her arms.I miss Elsa so much, it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my body.I like meeting up with friends and spending time together.When I meet them, I listen to everything they say and respond to it, but after a few seconds, it just runs off of me like rain on a car that's just been polished, not a single drop can penetrates the surface.It feels weird: in one way, I'm more sensitive than ever, but in another way, I'm a little more closed off.

When I noticed these changes in my attitude, I couldn't help but ask myself, is it something to do with my biology?Is this part of the primal behavior of female mammals, and women cannot escape this behavioral pattern, as if we cannot escape the fact that women have a natural maternal instinct, and that unlike men, women have limited time. Anyway, I have to admit Elsa was right, I told her about it as soon as she woke up, and I did.She found me sitting in front of her, so I said: You're right, Elsa, I do hang around, look smug, feel important, high above me, just like those needy bitches out there.

Elsa sat up, pushed her hair back, yawned, and rubbed her eyes.Oh, is it? But, I continued: I have to tell you, this smug look has nothing to do with human economic growth. Value is irrelevant.Everything happened here, and here.I put my hands on my upper abdomen and then on my head.I can't help it.It's not something I can control, it's what it is, I'm run by my hormones! Well, she said: I understand.I understand that this is not something I can understand.Do you want to go swimming?Don't just sit here and talk about inexplicable things. I couldn't help laughing, stood up and stretched out my hand, pulling Aisha up like a gentleman.She picked up her book, and it was Emily.Roaring Heights by Bronte.I help her fold the blanket.Arms crossed, books and blankets in hand, we walked slowly up the gravel path toward the Grand Arcade, stopping to say hello to Metus.Mettles is digging a flower bed, wearing only shorts, heavy boots, and a tool belt, with pots of shrubs waiting to be planted on carts in the path behind him.On the bench in the distance, I saw Potter wearing black-rimmed round glasses. He was chewing an apple with relish and flipping through a magazine.It was lunchtime, and crowds were climbing up and down the stairs to the terrace restaurant and the lavish cafeteria.Aisha and I still crossed our arms, walked into the Aceh Trail, and took the first elevator down to the sports center.

We swam side by side, slowly and quietly for a long time.After swimming, we went for a steam bath.I sat on the lower bench near the door, opening the door a little from time to time, not sure what the connection I'd heard before between pregnancy and steam baths was: good for pregnancy, or bad?Aisha sat on the hottest place on the top floor, leaning against the wall.We didn't talk much, just sat there and became friends again.From time to time we lazily say something like this to another: Have you ever heard of so-and-so taking part in this or that experiment?Or so-and-so and so-and-so ended, you know?Or do you remember that guy back in the village?The guy who does this and that, and does this and that all the time?

At last we all decided that this was enough, and Elsa climbed down and said: Dolly, do you remember what we promised each other when we first came to work? I remember.Shortly after Meghan's death we made a promise to each other that when one of us finds out that we are on the final donation list, we not only have to tell each other that we will be making the final donation, but we have to say when it will be so the other one doesn't come running Run to find the person who no longer exists. Remember.I said, looking up at her.She stood in front of me, sweat streaming down her slender, muscular body, which was already covered in scars.

Why are you asking this? Is this promise still valid?she asked. Yes, still established.I felt the anxiety stabbing into my chest, and thrusting hard into it.I thought to myself, don't say it's your turn!Don't say we had to separate before we became friends again, don't tell me you want me to ask again with a trembling voice in an emphatic tone: Why are you asking this? Oh, said Aisha, took a step towards the door and pushed it open, I just wanted to make sure that we would still do what we agreed to do, that you wouldn't just disappear one day without telling me. I breathed a sigh of relief, stood up and followed her out, only feeling my feet trembling, because I was so panicked just now, and now I am so relaxed.In the shower, Elsa turned to face me.

Can we promise each other, Dolly?Can we promise each other one more time? Of course, Elsa, I said: Of course we can re-promise. very good.Her voice trembled, revealing that she was moved, and she didn't hide it.She continued: "Can we shake hands and commit? We held hands and hugged each other, we stood naked and sweating on the tiled floor outside the steam room.A woman with short white hair walked by and smiled at us.The woman looked a bit like Reina, but with a smaller, longer face, and a more tired expression. A few hours later, at nightfall, I was lying alone in bed, one hand on my stomach, staring at the ceiling, and a thought flashed through my mind: disappearing doesn’t necessarily mean final donation, it can also mean leaving or running away.If I decide to leave, if I decide to run away, I can't keep my promise to Elsa, but if I tell her my secret, it means I have to break my promise to never tell anyone about the key card.I'm not one to break promises, I'm not one to betray someone's trust.For example, in this novel, I didn't actually disclose the real process of getting the key card.Neither of the two nurses who blocked me when I ran into the operating room that day had no birthmarks, nor was it one of them who gave me the key card.I was talking to the person who actually gave me the key card, not in the lounge where I sat looking out the window at the snow-covered park, the pond, and the mallard ducks, but in another room in another department of the unit, totally Another time and space, and the password is not 9844.

No, I'm not the type to break commitments, so I faced a dilemma. I turned to face the side where Johannes used to lie, and put my hand on the pillow where he had slept.The fetus in the womb also turned around.I close my eyes and go to sleep.