Chapter 40 thirty-nine

A newspaper gave my long-form space to someone else's work. Two days later, another newspaper published my long-form space in someone else's work. At this time, there is only one thing that is most needed: wine. Wine cannot make me happy; but it can make me forget my pain.Twice I was so drunk that when I wanted to drink, the bottle was empty. He had no money to buy wine, nor did he have the courage to borrow it from the Merchants.When he was addicted to alcohol, he fell on the table and cried like a baby.Mrs. Lei asked me why I was crying, but I didn't tell her, I couldn't tell her what was on my mind, I could only cry.

Without wine, it is like a lion in an iron cage, so bored that even the bone marrow is weak.Mrs. Lei has been capturing my intentions, but she never thought that I was addicted to alcohol.Distraught, I suddenly had a terrible thought: a small room is a cage.I was so bored that I had to go for a walk, because I still had a gold Parker 51 with me.Walked into the big bet and pawned fifteen yuan.Then a glass of brandy. When I raised my glass, my hands were shaking.That sip of wine was equivalent to a sedative, and the tension finally relaxed. Who am I mad at? I blame myself for being too imbecile to adapt to this reality.I used to try to be a serious literary and artistic worker, and almost starved to death.In order to make a living, I wrote a lot of popular texts, but I offended the editor because I fell ill again and again.The editor was right; I have only myself to blame.

How will you pass the days ahead? Unable to find an answer, ask the buddy for another drink.I dare not think, but use alcohol to anesthetize myself.I only have fifteen yuan on me, and even if I drink all of it in liquor, I won't get drunk.I don't know, what's the point of continuing to live?I think about death.