Chapter 13 Thirteen

Carmen's lighting is a soft dream blue.Nansen took Meiqian and sat on the old seat in the corner of the second floor. On the small round table near the flower bed, a glass goldfish with ruffled edges was newly painted, with two small golden wax tails, swimming intimately and dreamily.Music is another wave of fantasy. We're going to light a big candle.Nansen said to the waiter. Sorry, we don't have candles. We bring our own candles, Nansen said: only matches. Is there a birthday party?The waiter took the match and said: We have the knife for cutting the cake. Today is Goldfish's birthday.We have no cake.

Hearing Nansen's joke, the waiter also laughed. It's also good to enjoy the flowers with a candle, he said: Goldfish like flowers too, I guess. That's exactly what we mean, let your goldfish admire your flowers.Nansen said: This is interesting enough. How about some music?said the waiter. Want a warm song.We don't want winter. The weather was cold enough outside, Meiqian was wearing a goose yellow mohair sweater, and she was still shivering a little. When the candles were lit, the two of them smiled warmly.In the morning, Nansen received the first Christmas card of the year, from Meizhen, and a small gift package. She gave him a Xihua No. 4 gold pen and a red leaf of good luck.The letter was written on a card, with only the words I moved, and her new address in Luzhou was written on the envelope.When he received the letter, Meiqian also went to the post office to pick up the letter, and also received a festive card from Meizhen, but this year Chen did not send any gifts to Meiqian.He found out that she only had one class in the afternoon, so he asked her out.I want to buy a gift for Meizhen, so I have to ask you for help.Meiqian readily agreed.It was still early when he went down the mountain, so he invited Meiqian to watch a movie first, and she said: Don't you want to take the Carmen?Let's buy gifts in the afternoon and go to Carmen early!The two went shopping, and Meiqian chose a creamy yellow mohair sweater for Meizhen. It only cost 180 yuan. It was economical and practical, and it was considered a very beautiful Christmas gift.

I'd better buy a pen for Chen, she said: Although he didn't give me anything this year. The two sent the gifts before arriving in Carmen. The sharp wind on the street made them feel very cold. The music is indeed warm, and so is the candlelight.A year ago, they wrote their broken dreams here.Nansen rested his chin on one hand, stared at Meiqian in a daze, and then looked away at the pair of goldfish in the fish tank. He didn't know how he could force Meiqian down the mountain in a daze.Buying a gift for Meizhen seems to be just an excuse. It is true that I came to Carmen with her alone to talk about my worries. What should Meiqian feel?

The gift from Meizhen has aroused his emotions, so far, it is still difficult for him to grasp whether he loves Meizhen or not?Is the feeling for Meizhen just friendship?He thought that his usual thoughts were less and less on Meizhen, and he couldn't help but feel guilty. He still cherished the precious friendship in middle school all the time. When the coffee was delivered, he still sat there blankly, but asked Meiqian to add sugar for him. She held a teaspoon and asked him: Want something sweeter?Or lighter? I'm sorry, he just said "Oh, it's better to be lighter."

What are you thinking?she says. These flowers are so beautiful. Yeah?Some are fake tweeds made of plastic. I didn't pay attention to this, I'm used to carelessness. Even if some of the flowers are made of plastic, they still look beautiful in the candlelight. The halo of the candles is swaying, and the shadows of the flowers overlap each other. Several pots of bright Christmas reds and wild chrysanthemums that have just bloomed are even more beautiful.Meiqian was sitting opposite, the potted flowers on the flower bed became her background, the candlelight reflected on her smiling white face, like a white flower, shining with a kind breath, the deep dimple at the corner of her mouth , In the smile is a circle of charming black.

Let's talk about Meizhen, she said: I know you miss her, don't you? Where do we start?I don't know much more than you. I mean you didn't talk to me in detail before.She said seriously: Brother Ha, we have been together for so many days, I want to persuade you that a girl who is as smart as Meizhen and has the same literary talent as you is your ideal person, don’t you think? ? It is true that we get along very well, but I have never thought about it in this way. It is purely friends, like-minded friends. Meiqian shook her head and said: You are wrong, you should cherish this fate.How many times can a person meet fate in a lifetime?You didn't think about it, what does Meizhen think?do you know?Should she be made to wait in silence?Let her talk to you first?

I didn't say anything, not at all.Nansen said: At the beginning, if I actually thought of it, there was no chance.Now, everything seems to be too far away, and there are only a few letters in a year, and they are just brief, formulaic greetings. Maybe she already has a good friend who knows each other, and I am afraid of being involved in the whirlpool. Do you think love is a vortex you fall into? Nansen looked at Meiqian, his deeply focused eyes could always look into the darkness of Meiqian's pupils, he said: Sometimes yes. She was silent, and the eyes of both of them seemed to penetrate something, looking into each other's heart.At this time, Meiqian blinked her eyes, and two dizzy flowers rose on her cheeks.In Nansen's opinion, this moment of silence was both sweet and sad, but he could not speak. Silence was worthless than any words. His true heart had already been conveyed to her in his eyes.The air becomes soft and full of affection, time no longer flows, it can only linger around them, this moment is a thousand years, only the souls of each other know.

He excitedly talked about Meizhen, the gray city, the bus packed like sardines, the cramming education, young people’s spiritual self-exploration and exploration, and Meizhen’s hardship environment, her ambitions and ideals.Meiqian has been listening very quietly, never interrupting his words. From time to time there was a look in her eyes that was deeply moved by certain words. The music is playing Mozart's flute concerto, the light and round flute sound, like some gentle ballet steps, stepping, lighting, spinning, moving gracefully on the heart.Nansen's excitement passed, but he sighed in a slightly sentimental tone:

During this period of time, young people seem to be relaxed, but their hearts are actually very heavy. What is the real value standard?Celebrities who love speeches negate their speeches with their actions, and a trainer who only deserves to listen to pop songs keeps saying that he wants to punish Beethoven!Other people's rockets point to the moon, and our writers are still describing the Moon Palace and Chang'e there!If we don't have so many burdens, read books quietly, and talk about love naturally, no one can point out what is wrong with me?There are also many people who escape into their own small world, but I am not that kind of person, at least not now.Of course, I have my emotional side, which is not only ordinary but also fragile, and I am afraid that if I touch it, it will make my rational side suffer.

I see.She said only when he paused: But, I think we cannot escape from the emotional side. Only by using pain in this area can we sharpen our rationality and inspire us to think. What kind of thought?He said confusedly: Following Camus and Saudi?Or follow the old God you believe in? Religion is not science, she said: God only exists in my perception.Why can't we create our thoughts according to our living situation?In my opinion, there is a problem with the swarming doctrine under the influence of Western literature and philosophy. They lack the understanding of ontological life. This is the first in-depth conversation they have had alone since they got along.Meiqian's love and tenacity shined on him, Mozart's music was still light, and the charming little dimple was still on her cheek, but he finally gritted his teeth and asked the question he had been puzzled for a long time and said:

Meiqian, we are good friends, we should share our inner affairs with each other, do you really think you will be very happy in the future? Happiness is a very abstract word, she said slowly: It depends on how each person looks at life?Some people are wider, some people are stricter, and the feelings of each other will not be the same. What is your attitude? me?She pursed her lips, pinched the teaspoon with her slender fingers, and gently stirred the coffee in the cup. The engagement ring on her finger gleamed: I believe in God, and I will accept whatever situation God gives me with peace of mind. Of course, this is an idea. The meaning of fate is very strong.He criticized: This is one of the root causes of our illness. In history, scholars as thorough as Ji Xiaolan have not jumped out of the quicksand trap, but I want to say that this is very unfair.If you're not happy with what I'm saying, don't be offended. Who can decide their own future?she says. There was a word in his heart, and he almost blurted it out; he originally wanted to say: Chen has already made half of the decision for you!But he immediately controlled it and buried it back in his heart. The candle gradually burned out, he looked at his watch and said: Let's go back. The two were talking together in the car. Nansen deliberately avoided the topic just now. He didn't want to pursue it all at once tonight, especially because he was worried that mentioning Chen would disturb her heart.So he let go of the topic and talked about the upcoming Christmas, various activities planned in the school, and some students going down the mountain to have a dance party, etc. In fact, he has no interest in ballroom dancing, he just wanted to bring the atmosphere of the conversation Make it easier and be happier. I've never been to a dance, except country dancing.Meiqian said honestly: What about you? I'm Donald Duck with flat feet.He said: It's not an old wrench, it's a flat-footed board, which can't wipe the floor at all.Even the folk dance was created by the big baby temporarily dragging me to make up for it. She laughed for a while and said: I don't understand, young people nowadays, it seems that everyone is too lazy to think about life, and they are willing to dance to live, so what kind of happiness can they get?Conga, samba, jiliba, banana split, rock, twist, elder brother, all the way to soul dance, which seems to be a kind of intuitive madness, I really don't understand it! don't understand?You are quite familiar with the name of the dance. Chen likes to dance, all of which he told me. Nansen hissed.After all, Chen was brought up by her.He still did not want to mention Chen or criticize Chen, so he did not speak.The wind rushed in from the half-opened car window, bringing some chilly night air.He pushed the glass back up with his hands.We are almost at the gate of Donghai School. As he got out of the car, he said: Why don't you go back to your dormitory after having some supper? no.Meiqian said: I have to go to Professor Chen and borrow some books from her, and I want to write a research on Wang Wei.By the way, last time I went to her house, she said that you were quite dissatisfied with some of her arguments on modern poetry, and she welcomes you to discuss with her when you have time. I can't say I'm dissatisfied, I can only say that I have some doubts. Do not go together? It's too late, I'll take you to the street light, where it turns. Meiqian's back disappeared in the Fushu's Christmas red.Nansen went back to the dormitory whistling, even he thought the whistle was very loud.The boulevards of the campus are really quiet, the lights of the street lamps and the shadows of the garden trees form a black and white pattern, and he steps across them, as if he has crossed countless days.He passed by the eucalyptus tree in front of the dormitory. The eucalyptus tree was much taller than when he first came here. He couldn't help stopping, touching the trunk affectionately and stroking the leaves on the lower branches.Time flies, nearly half of my college life has passed, and my performance in school is not ideal. It is worth consoling, but I have made a group of friends who know each other, especially friends of the opposite sex. Isn’t it a rare opportunity? ? Among the few girls, although the big baby is as enthusiastic as her sister, she is not a thinking type, and she talks about things in a simple way.Xiaocui is a lively and lovely girl who is not too deep, a lovable narcissus with which she cannot share joys and sorrows, at least she cannot understand some of her own thoughts and feelings.Only Meiqian is always so quiet and friendly, why is there any reason to trouble herself because she wants to go further? He gradually became familiar with that kind of dusk. He wouldn't be like those silly birds waiting in front of the girls' dormitory, he would use his special whistle to blow Meiqian out of the door.After a long time, as long as any girl hears that whistle, she will crowd around the stone railing of the verandah and wave to him, and then shout loudly: Meiqian!Romeo is looking for you! Or: Brother Ha, Meiqian will come out soon. Both Dawawa and Xiaocui said to Nansen: The janitor in our dormitory is very angry with you, but there is nothing he can do about you, you are sending an overseas telegram! In the all-female dormitory, everyone knew that Nansen and Meiqian were good friends. Of course, there were unavoidable whispers behind their backs, and Nansen also heard some guesses and nonsense, but he didn't take it to heart.Meiqian is not used to it at the beginning of the year, and it is not easy to blame Nansen for his generous and generous attitude. She believes that Chen understands the friendship between her and Nansen. It is more natural to talk about concerns together!Sometimes he and Xiaocui or Dawawa, sometimes just him and Meiqian walked to the ruined bridge near Dream Valley, climbed to the top of the tall water tower, ran to the library together, or went down the mountain to the school for the blind and deaf, with those Children spend the afternoon together.No matter what they talk about, what they think, or what they do, they both feel very happy.Nansen feels more and more that Meiqian is frank and sincere, and Meiqian also understands and appreciates Nansen's generous and somewhat sloppy character better. A week before Christmas, Meiqian was busy practicing singing hymns, and Nansen was also busy arranging manuscripts for the magazine, so they didn't meet each other.One day, I met a big baby who was shopping in the urban area. As soon as I met her, she said: Brother Ha, Xiao Cui and I looked for you twice but failed to find you. We never expected to meet you on the street. What's up? Why don't you go and see Meiqian. He was taken aback for a moment, unable to figure out what the big baby meant? Chen vomited blood a few days ago and was admitted to the hospital.The big baby went on to say: Meiqian must have been very uncomfortable after receiving the letter and stayed there for a long time. She is an introverted person, and she will not vent her sorrows. You should comfort her more. Chen's pale and thin figure flickered in Nansen's consciousness. It was true that he was in poor health, and he was surprised and shocked to suddenly vomit blood and be admitted to the hospital. How did it happen?He said. The big doll lowered her head and looked at the toe of her moving shoe: I heard that he fainted during a popular dance at a party held at a classmate's house. Meiqian didn't say anything about the details, and of course it's inconvenient for us to get to the bottom of it.where are you going now Go to the printing house to pick up the manuscript sample.He said: I will go and see her. After being separated from the big baby, Nansen's heart was in a mess, as if he had shared all the weight on Meiqian's heart.In the afternoon, he went back to school and went directly to the girls' dormitory to find Meiqian. A female classmate told him that Meiqian had left with a stack of books.It was very cold, and there was a slight rain, so where would she go? You go to the library and look for it.said the girl. He hurried to the library again, ran from downstairs to upstairs, and saw every girl who was reading with her head down, but she didn't see Meiqian. He ran into Lao Gao at the borrowing office, and Lao Gao said: You must be looking for the fairy, aren't you?I met her half an hour ago and went to Professor Chen's place with my book in my hand.She said she was going there to return the books, and if you walked faster, she might not have left yet. Nansen didn't say anything. He left the library and ran all the way to Professor Chen's house. Professor Chen asked him: Braving the rain, why not take an umbrella?In this season, it is easy to catch a cold. I'm here to find Meiqian.He stood outside the screen door and said. She returned the book and just left.The professor said: Her complexion was not very good, maybe she was tired from busy work in the church.She said she was going for a walk over the cemetery, and I gave her an umbrella. I'm leaving, and I'll come to see you another day.As he spoke, he walked away, still running in a hurry.The rain was not too heavy, the rain was broken and dense, and the sky and the ground were covered with white mist. He ran out of the school gate, ran across countless stone steps on the other side of the cemetery, and finally chased after Meiqian who was holding an umbrella. Meiqian!He shouted out of breath. The round umbrella rotated, and Meiqian turned around to see him, showing a faint smile, and said with a little surprise: Nansen, why did you come here? You came for a walk.He pretended to be relaxed and said: I asked you to find a big circle, from the dormitory to the library, and then to Professor Chen's house. so sorry.She said: In this weather, it is very rare for me to run out alone.Get under the umbrella soon, your sweater is full of rain, and your hair is wet. The two walked side by side, holding a small umbrella together. Nansen looked sideways at Meiqian beside him. She was wearing a white windbreaker, so white that she was a little lonely; Some light melancholy like light rain.Before she opened her mouth to speak, he was thinking about the appropriate words, how to bring up the matter of Chen's case, so as to actually give her comfort? The stone steps are generally flat, with gentle ascending and descending slopes, and there is a turning point at intervals.There are two rows of emerald green thorn pines and long cypresses on both sides of the stone steps, and countless water droplets condensed from light raindrops hang from the leaf clusters, round and bright, shining with crystal light.Over there is a very big and tall statue of the land father, with a thick and kind face and figure, making everyone feel as if he is under his care, and they don't think that he is a god who presides over the ghost realm at all. I met Dawa in the urban area today. After thinking about it, he decided to speak out directly: She told me that Chen vomited blood and was hospitalized. I couldn't believe it was true. His health has always been bad, and he has a problem with his lungs. She said: Life is irregular, and this is the second time he has had the disease.The situation is not serious, it mainly depends on whether he can follow the doctor's instructions and live a quiet life. He is a wayward big boy who doesn't have the capital to pay and is used to debauchery. I saw it when I met him in Hualien.Nansen said: I heard the news of his illness. For some reason, I couldn’t let go of my heart. I was always worried about you. Come on, Nansen, it's nothing to worry about.Instead, she comforted him and said: I will pray for Chen.If necessary, I will visit him in Taipei next week and advise him to calm down and rest. Lung problems are relatively easy to cure at present, aren't they? Knowing that she was trying to control her own emotions and trying to maintain her usual tranquility, he kept silent for a while, giving her time to dissolve her inner melancholy in the silence.The light rain is silent, and the rice-rich fields are covered with bright green under the hillside, and there are some sparse bamboo along the way, like some cool jade bones.They walked around a dry stream, large and small round boulders lined up in the center of the stream, giving off a sense of desolation. Go to Shiting and sit down.He said. The stone pavilion is quite old-fashioned, and it is located in the middle of scattered tombs. When it is raining lightly, the whole cemetery has a beautiful and desolate charm; Rose branches, before the marble monument, are lined with tower-shaped cypress trees.In front of some tombs, there are half-moon-shaped pools with curved bridges and exquisite rockery stacked on the pools. The two walked into the stone pavilion. Meiqian folded the umbrella in her hand, stood on the high stone steps, looked back at the surrounding cemetery through the raindrops hanging from the eaves of the pavilion, and said softly: Seeing this cemetery reminds me of my father's tomb!His tomb is on a hill not far from Dabei Lake in the eastern suburbs of Kaohsiung.The hill is very desolate, with green cow hair and grass, and some wild red beans that are half black and half red. I have seen that kind of red beans.He said, The eaves are a string of crystal clear water wreaths, and the rain gradually becomes heavier.Meiqian sat down on the stone bench in the pavilion, resting her cheeks with one hand, resting her elbows on the edge of the stone table, with a deep dream in her brows. When I was young, I used to go there to pick red beans and wild purple flowers. Unexpectedly, my father was buried there.She said as if she was talking to herself: I remember, I strung a wreath of purple flowers and put it on the pedestal in front of his grave. The memories of many hours are blurred. People are always going to die, he said: Sometimes when I dream, I also dream that I am old and dead. At that time, I was empty-handed and could do nothing. When I woke up, I put my head in my hands and vomited along with myself. What's so disgusting?She said: fame and wealth are given to you, and death is nothing more than that.I don't look forward to any career, I only hope to live a peaceful life and have a clean account in the future.Her tone of voice was very calm, but with some sadness, which was rare for her. Maybe I'm too wild, he said: I'm always unwilling to come and go naked like this.The twentieth century is a turbulent and decadent century. Some people are depressed and some are indulging in pleasure. I often worry about the future. Will I also become smooth and depressing in the future?At least, I have a self-consciousness: I am not willing to waste my life. I think you will slowly discover what life will give you in the future.She pondered: We can cherish it, and we don't have to beautify it with concepts too much.Faith in God is to gain strength when we are weak, let us do it bit by bit. He silently looked at Si Yu outside the pavilion. Every time he has this feeling: Although Meiqian looks peaceful on the outside, she always clings to her spiritual world and keeps it intact.He was originally admitted to the hospital because Chen vomited blood and came to comfort her, but because of her persistence, he had already diverted the topic away invisibly. I wish I could get the kind of power you mentioned, he hissed and said: Maybe I won't be so anxious because of Chen's illness!I don't understand, is praying to nothing another form of decadence?Just like Lao Gao's excessive appreciation and belief in Saudi Arabia. Faith in Christ is by no means decadent.Meiqian said: Existentialists often embrace the first chapter I exist, and at the same time I find it unpleasant.In fact, the so-called unhappiness of the world is mostly because of problems with oneself.Forgiveness and love are the source of happiness for Christians, and it is not empty. The silk rain is still falling continuously, causing him all the troubles. He can't tell the reason, and he doesn't bother to figure it out. In any case, Meiqian's spiritual world is still far away from him, and he can't enter it for a while, feel it. Its meaning is super-rational and profound, which can only be felt by feeling.Why do you just sit there in silence?The wind is soft, the rain is soft, and the dream flowers blossomed in the cold, and fell again! There are many things in the world that are hypocritical!He said.Of course, he couldn't bluntly express his deepest feelings, accusing Chen and Chen of being both fools bound by social moral consciousness!Obviously they are sincerely in love with each other, but they sat in the pavilion boringly, talking about a lot of irrelevant metaphysics, and they seemed to be talking very seriously. Meiqian looked up at him in surprise. She didn't understand what Nansen meant, but she still said in a gentle tone: Nansen, don’t generalize that social consciousness and etiquette are hypocritical. Last time you held a symposium in Hualien, you suggested that it is best not to use all religious rituals in religion. Although you value people’s sincerity, social etiquette and religious rituals , is a common behavior for people to express their thoughts and emotions, and it cannot all be referred to as hypocrisy, can it? Wouldn't it be better if people took off the cloak of common behavior and everyone lived a little more lively, individual, and transparent?He said: Maybe I have made a mistake of being biased towards concepts again. No.Meiqian said: You think deeply and broadly, I should thank you for caring about me. The wind on the mountain picked up, blowing the rain into the stone pavilion, and there was a sharp chill. Nansen saw Meiqian shivering, afraid that she would catch the cold, and suggested that she go back to school early.Holding an umbrella together, the two walked back along the original road, half cuddling.On the other side of the pine trees and green bamboos, many tombstones stand quietly in the rain, symbolizing many vague deaths.But it is difficult for these to shake the youth of Huafang, at least in terms of feeling, the distance is very far. In the East China Sea, Christmas is the grandest and most enthusiastic festival.The joyful atmosphere of good news will wash away all the worries and depressions of people. On Christmas Eve, the entire campus is brightly lit, and there are voices, laughter and singing of praise everywhere.Nansen was dragged by Xiaocui and Dawawa to announce the good news, and was assigned to Meiqian's group.Each of them bought a large bag of candy and biscuits at their own expense, went to poor families outside the school district to spread the good news, and distributed the food to the children, taking back a piece of happiness from their happy smiling faces and relief. I went to Professor Chen’s house in the middle of the night, and the room was packed with excitement. Everyone was drinking hot coffee and telling jokes. Of course, Nansen was the best one among them. king).In fact, his eyes were always on Meiqian's face, and he didn't want her to think of Chen, causing her heart to suffer painful torture. Even so, Meiqian asked for leave the next day and quietly went to Taipei to visit Chen. She didn't say anything to Nansen when she left, and she didn't say anything when she came back.He could tell sensitively that there was a slight cloud on Mei Qianning's face, but he couldn't think of how to comfort her? The weather is getting colder and colder, and the trees on the campus are trembling in the wind every night. The happy time is very easy to pass, and the semester flies away like this.The red, willow and green headscarves on the boulevards and the bustling crowds in the library will soon dissipate due to the winter vacation; the wind and cold rain will wash away the faded colors on the poster walls, and put those songs and dances, enthusiasm And dreams are relegated to the past. No matter how lofty and great ideals you have, after all, you are a young man with your feet on the soft era; an outing will mess up your mind, and a love will delay many of your waking meditations, a little The setbacks of the past will make you wander alone on the campus, with the soles of your shoes kissing countless wet red mud and dewdrops on the green grass.If you lack these, you will feel that life is too monotonous, resulting in a kind of boredom of doing nothing. Yan Ruyu often jumps out of the book to flirt with you, the golden house will stick to your eyelids, the tide of youth in the outside world is stirring, you can't be turned into a rock, college life is such a wonderful and complicated symphony.You have to push through countless thorns on the blind and messy path, and find the real starting point that you were trying to find. All of these are contained in the whistle that Nansen blew all the way before leaving. It only belongs to feeling, not language.