Chapter 39 38

January 8, 1917 Aiyan Lake Sweden, Dalarna County * Light streams obliquely through the pine ceiling.It must be afternoon now.The time was the same as usual, minutes and seconds passed, Yin Mozhen looked at the envelope on the table, and then at the wood grain on the ceiling above.She flipped through the novels and pocket book of poems piled beside her bed, absently reading the neat paragraphs and stanzas, and then closed the book again. Finally, she threw off the covering quilt.She was dressed warmly: a pair of cashmere silk wool leggings over the thickest skirt, jersey underwear and Shetland wool vest.Yin Mozhen picked up the letter on the table, the content was already written, the address was also there, the envelope was not sealed, and there was only a piece of paper inside.She held it in her hand for a while, then took it downstairs.Eleanor was obviously taken aback when she saw Yin Mozhen's outfit.

you want to go out? I want to take a walk.Don't you agree? would not.Eleanor replied.That's fine, I'm just surprised it's been over Yin Mozhen put the envelope on the table, Eleanor opened her eyes wide.Yin Mozhen said flatly: No need for Mrs. Haslow to make a special trip.Just post it when she's in town.The letter is not sealed, you can read it and then seal it. Eleanor shook her head vigorously. i won't read it.Yin Mozhen interrupted.Then seal it up.I'm going out now. Want me to go with you? If you don't mind, I'd like to go by myself. certainly.but don't go too far

Just go to the woods. Eleanor forced a smile.She took Yin Mozhen's cloak, tied it under her sister's scarf, and helped her put a fur hat on firmly. That's too much.Yin Mozhen protested, pushing her hat up a bit.I'm already dying of heat. It's the North Pole outside.And remember, if you get too far out of sight from this house, I'll go out and find you. Yin Mozhen opened the door, walked out from the sweltering heat, and tentatively stepped on the icy doormat.Her senses were immediately overwhelmed by the beauty of the outside world.The fresh air is blowing, and the smell of pine and firewood is coming from the chimney; the light reflected by the snow, every bright snowflake is shining.Everything looks so spectacular.

Yin Mozhen walked slowly towards the forest, and the clearing was surrounded by trees.How long ago did they level this place and build these houses? Three hundred years ago?She tried to picture them, and it was hilarious, country folk in mock-Renaissance dress, woodcutters with handmade pipes.Inmogene's boots sagged.Snow stained the hem of the skirt. (If it's a boy, it's Federek,) Yin Mozhen thought. (Charlotte if it's a girl.) Since the last quarrel, the house has been much quieter.The sisters weren't really reconciled, they just stopped talking about the consequences.They would talk about the weather or the food, or Eleanor's pictures or Emmogene's blankets, anything but the one thing that mattered most.Eleanor hadn't mentioned the child at all for eight full days, and although Yin Mozhen looked calm, Eleanor didn't know whether her sister was willing to go according to the plan, or was just plotting to escape next time.But yesterday they finally spoke up.They were in the kitchen preparing the vegetables for dinner while Mrs. Haslow was cleaning upstairs.

Did you see the letter?Eleanor said: Mother sent you something.Can you believe I had nothing for a whole week and now I get three letters from Charles at once?He went back to the Sinai with the major, but of course he couldn't reveal much.but he thought of a few names Yin Mozhen was peeling the radishes with a fruit knife, and planned to mash the radishes and butter them in the Swedish way.Eleanor knew right away that she had made a mistake, but it was too late.Yin Mozhen looked at her sister. name? baby's.Just some thoughts. what name? Eleanor hesitated.If you really want to know, I want to ask you how you feel about a boy named Federek and a girl named Charlotte.Although these names are very common, but Charles said common is also

At this moment, Yin Mozhen cut her index finger with a knife, and a stream of deep red blood flowed onto the radish and the cutting board.Then they had a fight.But Yin Mozhen's anger seemed to disappear quickly, because while they were arguing, she felt that she was rehearsing a role that she no longer believed in.In the end, Eleanor made the point directly: Yin Mozhen.she begged.Tell me what you are going to do. Yin Mozhen didn't say anything.But when Eleanor looked at her sister at the other end of the table, she immediately knew the answer, because Yin Mozhen didn't seem like someone who would give up, so she acted strangely.The sisters ate their dinner in silence.Eleanor hasn't said anything about the baby since then.

Yin Mozhen stopped halfway.She took off her gloves and bent down to grab a handful of snow.The snow felt fresh to her fingertips, light and dry.She kneaded the snow into a compact snowball, and pressed more snow into it until it was about the size of a cricket ball.She threw the snowball into the woods and watched it fly through the air until it was lost in whiteness and could no longer be seen.Yin Mozhen continued to walk forward. Of course Eleanor had a right to choose her name, and she chose it.Yin Mozhen understands this.Because how can a child know who their biological parents are and the entanglement they have and lose?Nothing will be known.Children will grow up in Charles and Eleanor's well-organized home, reading the most popular books on the shelves, complete with chairs or fabrics from Omega's workshop in the living room, and daring in the wonderful drawing room upstairs. imagination.

It was nothing like the home Ashley and Emmajen might have had, with Emmajen's cluttered parasols and baskets covering half the area; bunches of wilting flowers brought back from the city park ; the tables were flooded with leaflets advocating women's suffrage, vegetarianism, Fabianism, and so on, some with inked thoughts that Emmaine had jotted down.All the interior furnishings will be Ashley's things, because she has nothing.Inmogen guessed there would be framed photographs of Alpine summits, or an odd pairing of books, such as Negretti & Zambra's catalog of scientific and optical instruments on a shelf next to ten incoherent volumes bound with twine. "Arabian Nights".She had often imagined it that way, and maybe Ashley had too, but they had never had the pleasure of charting the future together.

Ashley.she said softly. Maybe he's not special at all.Nor was he the lover she had imagined all her teenage years.She doesn't even know if he's romantic or not?Yin Mozhen was suspicious.His emotion is hidden under so many layers of dark humor and mischievous veneer that it's almost hard to feel it.From a lover's point of view, Yin Mozhen felt that Ashley seemed too hesitant, and before he made the most daring move, he seemed almost timid.It was this strange determination that made Ashley special, but Yin Mozhen believed that no matter how much he loved her, he had now dedicated himself to the war, and he had made this completely wrong long ago. A decision with consequences.Perhaps Ashley regretted this choice, but the force of restraint was so strong that Yin Mozhen couldn't cut it off, because she could feel that Ashley had lost something that he could never get again, not just the skin on his neck or the original The sound is so simple, but something more subtle and precious. Yin Mozhen will probably never understand the feeling of loss.Countless men returned to England in forms their lovers could not recognize, but it never occurred to Yin Mozhen that Ashley would be one of them, just as she could not imagine herself wearing a black veil and a pair of dull black beads. chain.That's what other women do, women who just stick to the rules.Yin Mozhen thinks that none of those rules apply to them, but now she is afraid that all the rules actually apply, because she has finally accepted the fact that Ashley and her are just ordinary people, and the factors that make them destined to be together cannot protect them.

But their love has never been the same.They were more whole together than they were apart, and the intensity of their attraction temporarily gave them something special, and during a week of such intensity only they knew the world's most secret wonders.London and Sutton Courtney, the hotel, the train station, the colors and shapes, the sounds and the smells of those places were all shaped by the attraction between them, distorted like light penetrating a ray.Or is she just trying to focus on things so she can see them as they are in the present moment?Yin Mozhen is not sure.All she knew was that it clouded everything she ever knew or would ever know.

If she had realized it then, she wished she had loved him more.In her decades-long slag-heap life, that week had been a shining gem, and she wished she had enjoyed the perfect episode.But she thought, this is youth, this is love.It is blindness that leads to such a result.She'll never meet that brilliance again, whether it's Ashley or anyone, and she won't waste her life trying to find the next sequel.There are no more sequels.That's what makes it special.That intense feeling was locked into her past; like her first unsteady first step, or her first dip into an ocean that dazzled her.If she's going to look for it in the future, she'll have to look for something else. Yin Mozhen reached the edge of the woods and sat on the trunk of a fallen pine tree with her ankles crossed.She gently placed her hands on her stomach.Just five more months and it's over.At least it was a consolation to her: it would be over then. She wanted to write a letter to explain it to him, as evidenced by the letter paper scattered around the house.Though Eleanor said nothing, she must have seen his name on the first page of the letter.Later, Yin Mozhen omitted the name and decided to add it after the letter was finished.But no matter how much time passed, the letter was never finished.Yin Mozhen found that she couldn't explain the current situation at all, and she couldn't say what she really wanted to say about their separation. She could say that she only knew how she was going to live, and that it wouldn't be fair to ask Ashley to make a different choice, no matter what the outcome.She can explain that she's not giving in anymore, that she's finally chosen her own path, and that in another five months, she'll be responsible only to herself, because now she understands that she can't take on the horrible responsibility of making other people happy. However, Yin Mozhen could not send those contents.She knew very well that this was all a cover-up for Ashley.She burned the letters this morning. They can't meet again.This is an obvious fact, and there is nothing to say.This fact is abhorrent.Yin Mozhen was unwilling to negotiate with this fact, unable to explain, soften, or apologize pitifully.She's tried it all and failed, and the result is the ashes in the furnace; a letter full of urgency and emotion that only fuels Ashley's hopes before breaking him down on the final page.All she had to say was condensed into three sentences in the letter she gave Ilinor. □□□ my ashley I lost my baby.I'm leaving and never seeing you again.I'm really sorry. i'm still your love Yin Mozhen That's what she was going to say to him.Although it is still a lie, it is better than everything else that can be said.When Yin Mozhen thought of this, she began to tremble, but she reminded herself that it was not the letter that was cruel, but the result that followed.Once she accepted those results, it wouldn't be fair to hide from Ashley, because what he wanted was an honest answer, and that was the best answer she could give. However, when she thought of Ashley reading this letter, she felt heartbroken.And even though she knew exactly what to say, even though she knew she couldn't return to him, it was enough to make her heart ache that she couldn't write these out in these six days.Lies about children are the worst, but for the good of Eleanor and Charles, it can only be cruel to Ashley, because if the child's parentage is questioned one day, it will be difficult for her sister and brother-in-law to raise the child properly .And maybe everyone needs a result, everyone, even Ashley, and even Yin Mozhen.If they're going to move on, they need to know they can't go back. But how will it all end?After the baby is born, the sisters will return to England.Eleanor will take the child and raise it as her own; Emmaine will disappear in the fog and shadow of London, leaving the once bright days of her life behind.As for Ashley, can he survive the war?She always thought that he had no chance, that she was the only one who could save him. Was it wrong?Maybe it's just arrogance, she thinks she can see through some things, but he can't.Maybe the result of leaving him was that she made herself scan the casualty list in the paper every morning, never knowing if he was alive or dead, until she happened to find him across the room at a party in Mayfair, or Saw him cross Russell Square with another woman.No, Yin Mozhen couldn't accept this.It would be better to start over, to a place full of strangers, where no one would know or criticize her. Yin Mozhen stuck a finger into the snow and tried to draw a few shapes.a circle.Half a heart.She found that her hand was pulled by a light but irresistible gravitational force, maybe it was herself, and then wrote her initials on the crystal snow, followed by a capital A.Yin Mozhen stopped her movements, embarrassed by her childish behavior, even though there were only trees and snow here.When she was a child she used to draw pictures on the sandy beaches in Sussex, and now she thinks about it, the sand feels like snow, but it's not the same, it stays on the same coast for so many years, it doesn't look like the same when spring comes will melt away.But ice melts into water, and waterfalls turn into snow again, all made of the same tiny water droplets, right?She doesn't quite know.Yin Mozhen was very frustrated because she thought that at her current age, she should know more. She looked back towards the house, but she was far enough away that it was completely hidden by the forest.It is very cold in here.Is it that cold in France?Yin Mozhen thought that although the latitude there was not so high, she was shivering in wet clothes when preparing for battle at dawn, and could only sleep casually on the cold ground every night, so she must feel even colder.She really doesn't understand all this.She began to cry and seemed a little agitated. I will not change.She softly completed her lie. Yin Mozhen slid her foot across the snow, wiping away all traces. (I will not grow old and love you less,) she thought. (I will never love another person, and I will never let you down, and even in another world, we will never be apart.) A figure came through the woods.Eleanor wore a long cloak and brought a smoking drink.She came to Yin Mozhen and handed her the tea. You have taken a walk.Eleanor said: My dear, come in quickly before you freeze.