Chapter 11 09/Day 4: No water and no food

I have a belief, and the belief itself is bright and positive.I choose to believe when I am completely helpless.Choosing to believe in the bright side when every piece of evidence is pointing to the negative can make you ignore the disaster in front of you, or is there any other choice?We are stronger than we think, and faith is the bravest and longest-lasting of all human characters.For a long time, human beings have known that there is no cure for short life. Human beings believe that there is no cure for short life, and they can only be brave.Believe in yourself Believe in what you choose to believe, that's the most important thing

Lance.Armstrong, It's Not About the Bike * Scattered sunlight hits the sky over the Utah desert.A beautiful sunset is about to appear.I thought so under the rock.I hope the clouds stay a little longer and help keep the heat in.It's Monday evening.I have not closed my eyes for fifty-seven hours since I set off, which means I have been stuck here for fifty hours, and I have listened to the same song through the earphones for fifty-three hours. Like the radio's search button being permanently pressed, my restless mind spent a lot of energy looking for an outlet to vent, but only found the same station in the end.This radio station has only one ten-second demo song, and it keeps repeating the same lyrics: BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, BBC4, BBC5, BBC6, BBC7, BBC Paradise!It's not even an actual song.I feel like Dr. Evil, and my plans go awry.I wave my hands in the air why don't you let me go, Austin.Paul Wei (Austin Powers, the protagonist of the movie King Powers)?Why are you torturing me?

My exhaustion made me feel like I had taken a lot of narcotics, and my brain was on fire when I had a high fever.I've fallen asleep in weird places before once standing in front of a painting in a Paris gallery; another time at a 110 decibel concert of Guns N' Roses but I've never felt like this severe sleep deprivation.It felt like the disease had paralyzed my brain, pushing me closer to the edge of irrationality.Maybe it's good not being able to sleep, lest I die of hypothermia.I can't sleep but I can't be fully awake either and the bad effect on my head has been driving me crazy.

I remember feeling this way once, at the first 4,000-meter annual meeting in September 2002, when my trainer Teresa and I descended the East Basin of Mount Princeton at night.We have to hike seven peaks in a row within 48 hours. In the second night, we have walked 96 kilometers. The mountaineering frenzy with a total vertical height of 7,620 meters made my mind exhausted at that time. Not knowing what is real and what is fantasy. I'd been bouncing over a three-kilometre-wide steep rocky section long before Teresa.We all had headlamps and trekking poles to help us navigate unstable terrain in the dark.I often couldn't find Teresa behind me because the jagged rocks on the side of the mountain wall blocked my view.I stopped at every corner to wait for her, taking the opportunity to sit down and take a nap, and twenty or thirty seconds later I would be woken up by the sound of Teresa's trekking poles on the rocks accompanied by her footsteps.When her headlight hit my face, I stood up without saying a word and walked forward. When I couldn't see her after climbing over a dozen rocks, I stopped and repeated the action just now.Crack, click, click, her trekking pole tapped lightly on the rock.A flash of light, her headlamp directly into my eyes, another wordless confrontation, and then I was guided by the headlamp quickly across the rocks under my feet, and then rested happily.

Although we have been walking for an hour and a half, it seems that we have not progressed to the other side of the basin. At 3,600 meters, we should have cut a channel.What went wrong?After ten, twelve, or fifteen times, I kept repeating the cycle of climbing doze-wake-tick-tick flash-climbing, a kind of insane or surreal pull that made me feel like I was being pulled again every time I fell asleep. Bring back the same area in the middle of this rocky area.During these twenty-second naps, my body was always inexplicably moved up the hill, causing me to keep spinning in the same place. Five more times, and I'm pretty sure about it: I'm stuck in time, like in that Bill Murray movie <Today's Temporary Stop> (the main character wakes up every day on February 2nd).Someone must have done this to me.Teresa.I believe I am under a spell from her.There was nothing I could do with her; the only way I could break her spell was to stay sane.But no matter what, I can't save myself because every time I stop to wait for her.I fell asleep immediately.The hallucinations were so strong that it never occurred to me to stop and look at my watch, talk to Teresa, or walk a little slower to match Teresa's pace to reduce the chance of falling asleep.I try to remember all the rocks I walk over.If I could prove that I wasn't walking on the same rocks, it would be an undeniable fact that what I had in my head was just an illusion.But then I found another problem: I can't remember so many stones, I can't even remember the stones I lay down to rest.

We continued to climb, but my mind was stuck in a never-ending cycle.Two hours later we were finally out of The Rocks, and I told Teresa my vision.She told me that hallucinations from lack of sleep were reasonable.I was nearly twenty-four hours late when I walked to my truck, forty-eight kilometers away, and I ended up getting a good night's sleep to end the insanity. Back in the canyon, the constant repetition of annoying BBC music is torture, and the only way to alleviate it at the moment is to think about whether you should drink your own piss.This topic is enough to put all psychological problems aside for a while.I don't worry about the smell, the question to ponder is, will the urine prolong my life or hasten my death?I'm guessing my urine salt level must be pretty high right now, but I'm not sure if it's higher than my blood salt level.If I have less salt in my urine than my blood, there is no problem.If it's high in salt, it's like drinking salt water and basically speeds up dehydration.I also wonder if there are toxins or other harmful components in the urine?These things are originally excreted from my body. If I drink them, it will bring them back to my body.

My translucent blue water bag rests on top of a rock in front of my eyes, and the pale orange urine inside looks brown in the yellow evening light.The urine I have stored in the container for the past four hours has separated into several layers: a sticky brown liquid on the bottom, a pale orange liquid in the middle, and a golden liquid on top.A centimeter-thick yellowish-white sediment accumulated on the bottom of the water bag; as the urine cooled, the residue piled up.I poked the water bag with my finger to shake the sediment inside.It reminds me of the yeast at the bottom of our homemade beer bottles.Of course, this doesn't look that appetizing.

As the sun goes down, as always, the wind blowing from above the canyon will intensify and another wave of mosquito attacks will begin.Why are they so active at dusk?I wondered, and then I said out loud, where the hell did these mosquitoes come from?There must be water somewhere in the canyon I didn't see any water on the way here, but maybe it's at the bottom of the big fault?I remembered something from the guide book, I picked up the map and looked at it, and saw the pool marked at the drop point.There might have been a depression there that had collected water the last time it rained, so there was blue ooze on the south rock wall behind my feet.In fact, my map indicated that there was also a pool of water where I was, but it had obviously evaporated.I'm hoping there's still some water on the way down.I bet the original water must have dried up in summer and winter, but the ooze, mosquitos, and grit remnants on the walls kept me thinking there must be water nearby.If I were to leave here that would be the only source of water within six kilometers, and the next place would be Wall Creek at the bottom of Horseshoe Canyon behind the Grand Canyon.

(Ellen, you can't get out of here. You'll never see the water again.) dark. cold. Star. wilderness. trembling. The fidgeting state was with me last night, and I could only have ten minutes of silence in each cycle.Maybe it's the hunger and dehydration that's affecting my metabolic system and making me feel colder tonight.Since being trapped, some of my body's functions have declined, and my body can't generate enough heat.In the cold weather, I try to keep any trace of warmth.but what can i do The CD player was unplugged, and the headphones hadn't played music in three days, but I kept them hanging over my ears as earmuffs.When I tuck my head in the rope bag, I zip it up around my neck.The bag was tightly wrapped around my face, and I hoped that the heat of my exhalation would warm my head and preheat my next breath without suffocating me.

When I concentrate on exhaling in the bag, the rope bag is filled with moist air.In addition to keeping warm, you can also get your body's water content from the humid air.Using a rope bag as a breathing chamber seems like a good theory, although I don't know if it works.But then, I immediately felt that the cold was inevitable.Five to six minutes later, the cold seeped into my body from my legs and hands.Shaking so much, I struggled to get into position and sat on the harness: my left hand grasped my right elbow, my head rested on the bicep of my right hand, and my knees were on the rock.I pulled my head out of the bag to straighten the strings on my legs and arms.Very efficient. It only took me 20 minutes to re-train the ropes on my legs. The more cruel thing was how to keep warm while sitting.I no longer use my knife to hew rock just to keep warm; I suffer my misery and pray that I will survive tonight.

It was midnight.It's Tuesday, April 29th.After hours of wrangling, I decided to take a sip of my own urine.I still have half a glass of water, but I want to know what the smell of urine is, can I bear it?I reattached the nozzle of the water bag to the remaining canal (I cut off a section of the tube to use as a tourniquet), sucked two tablespoons of urine, and swallowed it without hesitation.The night air dropped from thirty-six degrees Celsius to about fifteen degrees.The strong salty smell of the urine with the nasty nasty and bitter taste made my face into a knot, amazingly it wasn't as scary as I thought I didn't choke or throw up.This unexpected discovery plunged me into a deeper predicament.If the urine has such an intolerable stench that you can't drink it, simply don't drink it.But since it's still drinkable, the problem remains.I was very thirsty so I immediately drank 2 cups, equal to half of what I peed before.Although this doesn't seem like a good idea.But clean urine is definitely the better substitute for what I can get my hands on right now.In the end, I didn't know whether I should continue to drink urine, and I couldn't make a precise judgment.It's worth the gamble, but not yet.In the next two hours I will still drink my water slowly until it is finished, then I will consider whether to drink my own urine again. Three o'clock in the morning, Tuesday morning, trapped for sixty hours.I write down the time, I have been stuck here for two and a half days.I adjusted my drinking schedule to suit.I carefully marked the water bottle and noted the amount of water stored: less than 88 milliliters.Holding the jug between my legs, I twist the cap off with my left hand.Picking up the bottle, I force myself to put the water bottle down before I can moisturize the inside of my lower lip, and I repeat this every hour throughout the night. My waters have become sacred.In fact, this liquid has become time itself, and in time it has become life.The longer this water is kept, the longer I can live. I also told myself that there were several signs of dehydration in my body, and that even if I could save the last sip of water, I would still be alive.My body is not hydrated enough to function optimally.My eyes were sunken and dry and I was afraid to look at myself in the video, I looked haggard.The desert air stained my contact lenses, but my eyeballs couldn't wash the pollutants away.Dehydration also made my heart muscles tight and my heartbeat became weaker, sometimes irregular and sometimes very fast I measured my heartbeat in a calm situation and it was 120 beats per minute, which was faster than normal for me Sixty percent faster. Although my heart rate increased, my blood circulation slowed down these three days.Because the blood thickens, it reduces the nutrients delivered to the organs and the elimination of metabolic waste.My heart pump was also about to burn out as the blood tried to move the crystals out of the blood vessels in the body.Because my blood pressure continued to drop, my temperature would go up and down unnaturally, and even the slightest breeze could cause me to shudder.Due to the massive loss of water, my organs were hit by dehydration and my body lost 1.5-2kg a day.The skin on the backs of my hands was wrinkled like reptilian wrinkles, and so inelastic I thought I could tear them off with my teeth. If it weren't for my physical need for water, I don't know that there is no pain in the world that can compare with the torment of thirst: thirst can't be quenched, thirst can't be satisfied, can't be stopped, can't be suppressed I found that if I could only relieve my thirst a little, I would seem to be able to get rid of this suffering completely.When I am about to die, my cardiovascular system will collapse, but I only care about whether I can quench my thirst before I die? Two hours later, it was five o'clock in the morning, and it was time to drink water again.I put the water bottle in my crotch and opened the cap again with one hand.I let go of my legs and was about to lift the bottle to my mouth, but the cap accidentally got caught in my safety harness and the bottle slipped away!on my lap.My unresponsive mind was too slow for my hands to catch the bottle, and it nearly fell flat, spilling all my holy water and soaking my shorts. (Go! Ellen, pay attention! Look what you did!) Water is time and life.A careless, how many hours did I lose?Six hours, ten hours, half a day?This mistake knocked down my remaining fighting spirit like a high-speed train, and despair invaded quickly.Losing half of my water source really made me realize how much I depend on it psychologically, even though I may not feel it on a physical level, but with so little water, emotionally I feel like I've lost half my life. I had wrapped myself up airtight and still shivering, tucking my head in the rope bag, trying to shake off the lingering cold, when suddenly someone yelled in my sleep-deprived mind.It is six fifteen on Tuesday morning. Larry!My mom calls my dad by his name.I saw her in her dressing gown, rushing downstairs from her bedroom to tell my dad she had just received bad news.The video ends before I see her rushing towards my dad.Unlike memories or dreams, this clip is like a TV forced to turn on in my mind, and the picture is intercepted from my parents' house.This has already happened?Or just a preview?Either way, I'm pretty sure it was my factor that made my mom rush at my dad.But after she found me in trouble, I was found, or dead?It's all possible. Gradually, the sunlight animated the surroundings of the canyon again, and I felt relieved to think that I had survived another night.Now that there was enough light, I decided to record another episode of my new situation into the VCR. Sighing, I checked the focus to make sure I was in the screen, but I still avoided seeing myself. It's six forty-five on Tuesday morning, I said. I guess Leona is missing me by now because I wasn't at the party last night.After an hour and a half, they also thought of me because I didn't show up at the office.The best case scenario is that they can notify the police and have them hold it for twenty-four hours before making an official notice, a missing notice.But maybe at noon tomorrow they'll officially pronounce me dead. My frustration was heightened and I was on the verge of madness.hateful.I realized how stupid I was.Too difficult.Too many things.It took a long time to find me before anyone found me.I think about it time and time again.And even if they found it, they would have to drill through the stone with a pneumatic drill or amputate my hand in order to get me out of here.That's the best situation when someone just happens to spot me and just happens to have the proper tools in his hands.Then I had to be lifted to a height equivalent to two floors to the helipad, and then flew for another hour to Grand Johnson.Maybe half an hour.whatever. Pictured a rescue team descending under Blue Eye Canyon with a portable pneumatic, trying to break through the rock that was holding me down.But the idea seems increasingly unrealistic.Getting me free was a massive undertaking, and moving me out of the rocky crevice was quite a confined space, and I wasn't sure if there was a feasible route of movement. This carrying nightmare crushed my hopes.I know these are just speculations on my part, but even so, it seems like moving me would take more than a day, once I'm discovered.Think about it, it takes six people five minutes to move a person on a stretcher and walk a 90-meter slope.It may take half an hour on narrow and winding trails.Once it is necessary to install the handling or hanging system, it will add another hour or two, and it is under the condition of everything going well.The more complicated the situation, the more time and resources it takes, and the higher the risk to rescuers.For me, every rock I climbed diminished my chances of survival because it meant it took them more time to get me out.If I was alive when the rescuers found me, I could have died on the way to the hospital.Anyway, before the search and rescue personnel arrived at the place where I was, I would have died long ago, why think so much?I closed my left eye, blinked painfully, and continued taking pictures.I am angry with myself.I try to cut off my arm.But I don't even dare to cut the skin with this knife, it's stupid.I tried it with different blades and I ended up just marking the surface of the skin.I didn't even dare to let the blood come out, the blood should be very thick at this time. I still have a little water left.In fact, I drank several mouthfuls of my urine.I let it evaporate and cool down a bit. I proceeded to state that it tasted terrible, stopped and I had a little burrito left, but I couldn't swallow it. I've tried removing the stone, but I'm stuck. So it's been almost seventy hours since I put my bike on the horseshoe trail, and in that time I've drank three liters of water and several gulps of urine.I wasn't too worried about the food part, although I was too tired to do anything, I didn't even have the strength to chisel the rock anymore.I have no energy. It's ridiculous. Scorning my own incompetence, my body shuddered, and then I moaned sadly, blinking and reorganizing my thoughts, I looked at the camera and thought about what to say next. Mom, Dad, I really love you.It's been a really great time with you guys.I never said seriously that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.Mom, I love you.Thank you for coming to see me in Aspen.Dad, thank you for letting me join your Golden Leaf tour last year.It was one of the happiest times we've ever had together.Thank you for your understanding, support and encouragement to me last year.I really had a great time last year.I wish I had learned what I had to learn quickly, but I didn't.I love you all.I will always be with you. Closing my lips tightly, my tears flowed down my face.Head down, wink, and I nod to the camera before pausing the tape.A sad cool breeze blows slightly, and the quiet night is over.I re-recorded, this time thinking of Sanja, and my incident will cast a sad cloud over her graduation and wedding this summer. I want to say to Sanja and her fiancé, Chuck, I wish you all the best in your future lives.You two are made for each other.Sanja, you have a great job waiting for you.I know you will happily begin your new life.How I wish I could have seen it with my own eyes.You will be graduating from school in a month, Sanja, and doing something extraordinary in your life will be the best way to remember me. Thinking about Sangja gets me excited.Even though my grades in school were good, she was better than me, which made me proud of her.Sangja earnestly studied her plan to become a volunteer teacher.I'm happy for Sangja and I'm happy for myself.Even if I'm gone, the idea that our family will continue to have good things because of her reassures me. Another cool wind came from the dark depths that I couldn't see behind me. Maybe the weather was about to change.I could feel the formation of a cloud layer of a thickness I had never seen before.Cumulonimbus clouds have not yet been seen, but they are unlikely to be seen until the thunderstorm breaks out and causes flooding.I forgot about the crisis of floods.After I got the VCR out, I decided to take more shots in case it rained later.I started videoing, photographing the rocks on my head. It occurred to me that the possibility of flooding exists.All the rocks above me, the stones that I moved there long ago and weighed down on my hands were carried there by the flood long ago.There are four main canyons upriver, and if the flood waters all converged into my one-meter-wide slit, it would be very bad, the film would all be ruined, and my body would be bloody.But at this moment, I really hope that the flood will come, maybe I can drink some water before I die.I don't know if that sounds ridiculous, but last night I hoped so.When I drink the urine that my body excretes, there are too many salts and toxins in the urine, which will only speed up the pace of death. It's been three days, and I haven't drunk water for a day and a half.Could that mean I have a day and a half to live?I want to be strong.I'd be amazed how tenacious my vitality is if I make it past noon Wednesday. I stop recording.Those are tough words.Saying that I only have thirty hours to live makes me feel like I'm dying, and it hurts me a lot.I set the VCR on top of the rock and fell reluctantly onto the safety harness.These words echoed back into my head if I lasted until Wednesday until they touched a nerve of the brain full of courage. I know what to do next.I removed the sling from my right arm and attached the purple cord to the Prussian loop again.With last night's experience it only took me a while to figure out how to set up a six to one handling system rope.Fixing the rope tied to the stone through the hook and loop, and fastening the Prussian knot with one hand, really made me look at my slow mind with admiration.Last night's clumsiness made me think my coordination was broken.I hurriedly cleaned up the things on the stone, put water bottles, urine, knives and video recorders into the backpack one by one, and finally put the sunglasses on my head. Get ready to lift the rock, I said to myself, and after double-checking that the Prussian knot was locked tight in the right direction, everything was ready. (Okay, now move the stone, Ellen. Tighten it. Pull on the rope and pull hard! Tighten it up! You gotta do it. Let it move!) I used the strength of breastfeeding and pulled hard.Please, move, damn it! didn't move.The friction between the stone and the stone wall made me completely useless.My feet automatically moved away from the foot loops, as if they knew I couldn't shake the rock.I am defeated again.I raged into a sense of helpless isolation; the more I resisted, the closer this feeling came, pushing back my life force step by step.After a fifteen minute break, I wanted to cry, but my eyes were so dry that nothing came out.As if I was too depressed to waste energy crying.What good is crying to me?It's just wasting what little water I have on my body. Slowly, I noticed the knife in the backpack staring at me coldly.Things happen for a reason, and the reason I came out with the knife was that, all of a sudden, I knew what I was going to do.Working up my courage, I removed a purple Prussian loop from the carrying rope and tied it around my bicep, then took the insulated tubing from the tourniquet water bag I made yesterday and wrapped it twice around my forearm, Tie two knots, then turn the carabiner six times to secure, and finally, attach to the purple sling to secure. The time was seven fifty-eight in the morning. I held the shorter blade over my right arm, targeting a point on the upper edge of my forearm.I hesitated, my left hand trembled, and stopped thirty centimeters above the target.I regained my grip on the knife, and angrily thrust the four-centimeter blade into the muscle of my forearm, leaving only the handle on the outside, before repenting a second time. (Shit, Ellen, what did you do?) My vision was distorted with astonishment.I had only expected the knife to brush my arm, but when I let go, the handle of the knife formed a right angle with my arm.Yesterday I thought the knife was unlikely to cut my skin, but now it's in.As I wiggled the knife lightly, I felt the blade grip something tight against the bone in the upper half of my forearm.I drove the knife down harder and it hit my radius. (Wow. This feels so weird.) My curiosity exploded.The blade is under the skin, and I don't feel anything.My nerves seem to focus only on the outer layer of the arm.To confirm this, I drew the knife and ran it lightly across my skin.Yes, indeed.Muscles contract as the blade passes, and nerves send pain signals through my arm as I cut a 2.5-centimeter-wide hole in the surface of my skin.As the pain subsided, I noticed that I was bleeding very little; the capillaries must be closed at the moment.Curious, I poked the cut again with the knife.it hurts.I pushed the knife into the blood-stained wound, probing the inner tissue of the arm.The epidermis is twice as thick as I thought and very tough.The yellow fat is under the skin, inside the thin membrane layer that surrounds the muscles.When I looked a little deeper, red wine-like blood oozed from the wound.I tapped the bone again, feeling the vibrations through my left thumb and index finger.Even wet with blood, the thud of the point of the knife on bone resonated in my elbow.The buzzing, buzzing, buzzing sound let me know that this experiment is coming to an end.I have no means of cutting into or severing the bones of my front arm. Hopeless conclusions aside, I found my situation somewhat uncertain. This was my first dissection in thirteen years, and I did much better this time, even though I was dissecting my own hand.I recall a ninth-grade science classroom with a sheep's eyeball glaring at me from a stainless steel pan.The experience of cutting a bloody eyeball was enough to scare me out of biology class in middle school, after which I was stumped by chemistry and physics and would never touch animal parts outside of the kitchen.This eyeball indirectly became the reason why I chose engineering in the future.It was strange to encounter my deep-rooted fear again in this canyon. Sweating all the way from the adrenaline, I put the knife on top of the stone and grab the water bottle.It's not time for my water yet, but I'm worth it.When the water hits my lips, I open my eyes and look at the blue opaque bottom.I hold the tilting jug higher and higher, a mixture of rewarding myself and a little kiddie pique like I'm doing something naughty but I don't care I'm going to do it, this wayward attitude makes the process even more interesting. (Just do it and drink it. It's no big deal.) Every sip was as satisfying as a big sip, and I didn't miss the last few drops.I close my eyes oh my god.After three heavenly seconds, I gulp down the last few drops of clean water and dry up.My body craves water to keep replenishing, but there isn't a drop left.I looked at the container above the bridge of my nose, and I shook the jug to get the few drops of water that were clinging to the rim. Yes, not even a drop.I don't have to live anymore.After I locked the bottle cap back, I realized that I had passed the moment I had been looking forward to since three days ago.Now that the moment is over, there is one less thing to worry about.I decided to take the tourniquet off and it made my whole arm sore, and since I'm not amputating any more, why add to the pain?I let go of the carabiner that held the synthetic rubber tubing, and slowly undid it, and my arm returned to its original shape.My blood was flowing back into my arm at a snail's pace, and I looked at the cut on my hand and saw that it wasn't bleeding any more and didn't show signs of spurting, so I guess I avoided the arteries.I bleed less than I expected.It doesn't seem to make a difference with or without a tourniquet.I figured the blood flow to my arm was reduced because the stone was pressing on the arteries and veins in my hand, which is why my forearm was cold. I took out my video camera again and started recording the results of my surgery.The cap on the stone, the sling, and the tourniquet all appear onscreen. What follows is not appropriate for every member of the family.It is more than eight o'clock now.At exactly eight o'clock I drank the last drop of water and covered my eyes, Ma I turned the camera on the arm and the bloody wound.My breathing became heavy when I saw the knife marks on my arms. I made an attempt to do the surgery myself, and it turned out that those blades were completely unsuitable for the task.I could only cut small holes in the arms that were 2.5cm wide and only 1.2cm deep.I cut through the skin, fat, and some muscle.Maybe I cut a tendon, but I'm not sure.I have tried many ways but without success.A tourniquet didn't help much because I didn't bleed a lot.Very weird.I expected to see bleeding or spurting, but it was fine. I'm really ruined right now.I ran out of water. I stopped recording, feeling even more frustrated.One more wound means one more perpetrator. Guess what will kill me first?Dehydration?Hypothermia?flood?Bacterial infection of crushed hands?Or an infection caused by the bleeding now? (Genius for stabbing yourself with a non-sterilized knife, Ellen.) I decided to wrap the wound up so that no dust, fine stones, or insects could infect it.I carefully cut the bottom edge of my salmon-colored Fish's t-shirt, holding the knife between my thumb and forefinger and slicing through the fabric.Then I tore off part of the cotton shirt at the waist and bandaged my forearm three times.that's all.Simply cover the wound with a bandage. Twenty meters above my head, a crow made a noise by flapping the air once or twice, maintaining a certain altitude, and began its morning feeding flight route.I check my watch.Eight thirty one in the morning.The bird was fifteen minutes slower today. The canyon behind me began to glow reddish, and the sun had fallen over the towering walls.The sun was more punctual than the crow, and for the third time this morning I pulled the camera out of my rucksack, hoping to salute the morning sun.As the sun slowly approached me, I filmed myself stretching out my legs for the sun.Before the sun turned to the north wall, I hurriedly photographed the scene eighteen meters below the canyon, where the reddish sun and the carrot-colored canyon intersect, and then moved the picture to my warm calf that absorbed the precious sunlight. Like a prisoner locked in a prison, no matter how beautiful the scenery outside the prison window is, he cannot have it.I'm not sure if the morning light on the canyon is fueling my resilience, or wearing down my resolve?How I long to be free. Pausing the video, my mind races out of the canyon to my friends all over the US, getting ready for work.I wonder if anyone thought of me.I highly suspect I'm not showing up for work, probably not even my colleagues upstairs in my office have noticed.In theory, at least my manager would want to know where did I go?I started thinking about my friends, our favorite trips and the places we've been together.I'm twenty-seven now and feel like I've had the adventures of someone twice my age, lucky to travel, go to concerts and outings with so many genuine and fun people.I can't help but smile when I think of my family and friends.These memories gave me a shot in the arm, and I temporarily forgot the pain of the stone pinning my wrist.My mood also changed, from not having any hope, to thinking about the wonderful things in my life.Such high morale I must record, I wonder if my friends will see this video at my farewell ceremony, the atmosphere will be very gloomy I imagine a group of friends dressed in black, looking at me on the big screen in front of the altar Speech screen.I adjusted my hat, cleared my throat, and swallowed, my lips tasting dry. I've said before that I regret not caring enough for others.I don't know.Maybe that's not true. I think of the tours I've been on with my friends.艾瑞克、約翰和我在爵士音樂節時一起去冬季公園度假勝地，我們把飲料的瓶子堆疊在冰箱上，把麵條黏在天花板上，通宵看電視，喝很多糖和咖啡因保持精神極度亢奮，很蠢但真是太好玩了。做那些肥死人的他們真的好吃花生醬三明治加蜂蜜。約翰，我們一起爬朗斯峰，那是我們第一次一起爬四千公尺的高山，我們去年還一起穿越海岸山脈，穿越好幾個州，真是令人愉悅。 艾瑞克，我常記起毛依、邁特和布蘭特。我們共度的時光真好玩。我們看過好多次細起司事件樂團的表演，還有我們兩年前在冬季嘉年華所做的一切我也不會忘記，你記得我們和Ｋ派德去爵士音樂節的那次嗎？喔我的天，我從來沒有那麼做過一大早八點喝醉在密西西比河邊的木橋上。夥伴，那太瘋狂了回去坐在熱浴紅裡，泡幾個小時後又起來喝，然後重複好幾次，連續五天。Incredible. 我瞇著眼笑，腦中出現紐奧良那瘋狂的一週，當時我們連續五天看了二十場的演唱會，每天平均只睡三個小時早上九點到中午。後來我累垮了以至於我睡在酒吧的地板上，夾在一堆狂飲啤酒的人群中央。當時其中的一個樂團正要開始第二場表演，人們瘋狂嘶吼，場面混亂。直到用盡所有力氣，你才會看到自己的極限。 我想起有一次和艾瑞克、內娜一起從阿布奎爾克開車到丹佛，我們在暴風雪中打開車窗，大量的雪吹進車內。芮娜當時穿著像是白雪公主般的戲服，美得不得了。 桑嘉，我想起那趟去華盛頓ＤＣ的旅遊，那是我們擁有過最棒的旅程。當時我們往下到哈瓦蘇派保護區，我不但掉到仙人掌上，還差點溺斃在科羅拉多河裡。我想起另外一次和尚馬克、查德在鳳凰城的時候，我們跑到墨西哥跳舞，然後在落磯角玩帆船，最後在沙灘喝Corona啤酒和龍舌蘭酒後才回家。傑米，我和你一起去哈瓦蘇派保護區那次也很棒那地方美極了。露營的地方景色很棒，而且我們在新年的早晨一起醒來。酷。 一陣大笑後，我想起一些很諷刺的回憶，包括那些瀕臨死亡的。我敘述了幾個差點死亡的經歷就像我敘述了一些最愉快記憶一樣。不管背後隱藏的心理因素是什麼，我找到一個方式來放鬆心情，如果這次我能脫困，類似的感受還會再出現嗎？在我和家人所有好玩的旅行中，令我印象深刻的是我和老爸曾經一起去蓋茨堡市，回顧了維吉尼亞州和賓州的歷史。我們一起去過峽谷地、錫安還有布萊斯峽谷國家公園，國會礁岩國家公園和拱門國家公園，這些地方每次都吸引我到沙漠區。感謝我生命中很棒的你們、很棒的那些日子。 對於我的命運，我自己也訝異地搖起頭來。這些思緒跑得很快，我無法將他們分類、互相連結或指揮它們跑慢一點，它們漫無邊際地傾巢而出。 我也想到，艾瑞克，我們第一次開車去聽死之華合唱團①的演唱會，當時應是一九九五年七月四日的週末。 ①死之華合唱團：The Grateful Dead，一九六〇年代中期在舊金山崛起的樂團，是迷幻搖滾的宗師，當時動輒舉辦四、五個小時，充滿長篇即興樂器演奏的演唱會，擁有成千上萬的死忠樂迷。 蓋瑞史考特，我們去阿拉斯加州的丹奈利國家公園那次讓我下定決心辭掉工作，謝謝，祝你在聖母峰上一切平安。我知道你現在在高山上，一切小心。 我也想到那次賈德生從鳳凰城過來，然後我們閃電決定一起去爬雷尼爾山。我們在三千八百公尺高的地方上小睡一下，在下午三點登頂成功，我記得是清晨兩點出發的。再五分鐘到穆爾營！途中賈德生不斷問我離營地還有多遠；我知道我們身在何方，但有月光的夜晚反而誤導我的距離感，我一次又一次的告訴他我們將在十五分鐘內到達，然後又改成五分鐘，一直到說了十幾次再五分鐘，我們才抵達營地，正好趕上看日出。我預測得很離譜，賈德生沒把我丟進山谷裡已算幸運了。我的嘴因微笑而愈來愈開。 奇普，我有次和你開車到鳳凰城旗桿市，然後又為了喜歡的歌手趕回來，記得嗎？又是一次閃電行動。太多這種不可思議的時光了。我和艾瑞克去了他羅徹斯特的家一個星期。我去了加州好幾次，遇到蘇哈、克萊格和巴克，我還帶了他們其中一些人去聽他們的第一場費希樂團的音樂會。 我感覺到我的疲倦讓我講話愈來愈不能前後一致。我需要休息，但我不能睡。左手靠著石牆，我以手撐著頭，用這姿勢持續一陣子。 布萊恩龍，我們去年做了很多事。騎登山腳踏車、健行、泡溫泉然後看兩場細起司事件樂團的表演後，再接著看兩場。查克，謝謝你當我的朋友，我們和艾瑞克爬上聖地亞高峰的那天，真好玩。我真的很感激有那些日子，且我有這麼多好友陪伴著我。芮娜，我們一起去過泰魯瑞，還一起去看細起司事件樂團，那是我人生中最棒的一天，滑雪時妳的馬尾被吹得四處飛揚，妳穿著手染的襯衫、粉紅螢光色的圍巾，我記得我們的旗子飛得高高的。 微笑弄破了我乾燥的嘴唇。我需要一些護唇膏，但即使有我也寧可多等一分鐘。雖然嘴唇很痛，我還是想感謝我愛的那些人。 所以，謝謝每一個人。謝謝那些時光。我真的感謝你們每一個人。諾姆和珊蒂，你們是我外地的家人。也謝謝所有朋友的爸媽，感謝你們帶給我如此優秀的朋友。感謝我在亞斯本的朋友，短短六個月的相處彌足珍貴，你們真是很好的朋友，謝謝。布萊恩、珍威爾克、布萊恩岡薩雷斯和麥克伽克，謝謝你們。瑞秋，妳是很棒的女人，謝謝。我想對我生命中遇到的許多人說這句話謝謝，我一定要說出來。I love you all.擁抱一下。 Wow.我現在感覺好很多，我納悶這是否是人死前的生命快速倒轉，只是此刻用比較緩慢的速度播放著。什麼事情會使人類的頭腦用回憶來回應死亡？我想，我看到家人的影像時就是一種我跟家人道別的方式，但是想到回憶所帶給我的正面的能量、讓我微笑以及使我快樂我反覆思考出一個回憶的特殊用途。我猜想萬一腎上腺素非戰即逃的策略不成功，回憶的浮現可充當第二個本能反應，刺激著我們繼續奮戰。即使我們認為我們已經拚盡全力。面對即將到來的死亡時，延腦會自動幫我們打超速檔，並且對我們說，你以為你做完了嗎？那麼那些在乎你的人該怎麼辦？那些你在乎的人該怎麼辦？對，然後你就會多得到一些勇氣。或許這說明了為什麼自殺有吸引力如果一個人沒有任何人愛他，或即使有人愛他，但他一點都不在乎面對死亡時當然無法浮現任何回憶，生存本能的系統就失靈了。所以我們的腦子把記憶存放在第一個地方，當死亡來臨時，它們被用來激勵我們。是的，無論如何，我選擇留住此刻的快樂和高昂士氣，而把那些心理學術語拋諸腦後。我感覺很好，這是最重要的事。 中午到了，我面臨著死亡，我仍被困在峽谷的岩壁上。坐在安全吊帶上過了那麼久，我已找出對我的膝蓋而言最舒服的角度、扁帶鏈最適當的高度還有繩子最完美的角落，我把它捲得像一個塑子。我善用手邊的資源做出最好的設備來善待自己的身體。 很奇怪，我又要尿尿了。我決定在我拉下拉鏈之前，先把目前所儲藏的尿液移到其他容器，但是要把尿液上層較乾淨的部分倒出來，對我目前的協調能力是一大挑戰。我把空的水壺夾在大腿內側，保持平穩，然後用牙齒咬著藍色水袋的上端。我把水袋放斜，讓沉積物堆到出水口的另一側，接著我用手指捏住吸嘴，慢慢地讓尿液流入水壺，最後只剩下殘渣留在水袋裡。我關上水壺的蓋子，把它放到石頭上面，最後才把藍色水袋剩下的殘渣倒在雙腳後面的沙子上。evil!那真是臭。 （好的，這表示你已擺脫最壞的部分。） 我尿進水袋裡，關緊蓋子，把它放在石頭上，這液體顏色很暗，氣味很嗆，還溫溫的。我讓它冷卻一下，沉澱後再裝進另一個容器冷卻後，味道就不會那麼刺鼻。 星期一下午一點半，我決定再禱告一次。這一次我已經知道該怎麼做了。只能擇一等待死亡或自我拯救，而可能比較傾向前者。所以我不是請求給我指引或方向，我請求的是更多耐心。 上帝，又是我，艾倫。我需要您的幫助。這裡情況愈來愈糟，我沒水、食物。我知道我快要死了，但是我想死得自然一點。我已經決定不管怎樣，我不會自我了斷。本來我就沒有預期會活下來這已是第三天了我不認為我能活到星期三中午。但請神賜給我堅定的力量，讓我不要做出任何違背自己的事情。 我決定走下去，不管道路的盡頭是什麼在等著我。 我陷在這裡三天了。下午三點，我告訴自己：盡一切所能照顧好自己，無論生理上或精神上。生理上，我沒有什麼需要做的下午是最溫暖的時刻，所以此刻我唯一需要的就是調整姿勢，使自己的循環系統保持通暢。生理上已無所求，所以我專心在保持頭腦清醒。嚴重缺乏睡眠，外在的刺激好像都不是真實的，而有些的確不是。自從我發現袋子鼠巢穴的祕密後，我多次聽到聲音，但都不是真實的聲音，只是我腦子裡的虛構物，為了填補寂靜的峽谷，只剩一條最薄弱的細線連結著我有意識的思想和可信賴的理智。我擔心某些東西會趁機溜進來，害我做出輕率或危險的決定。當我在回憶過去時，時間過得特別快，所以我不斷地去回想。我想到我在錄影帶裡忘了一個密友，應該是再錄影的時候了。 我急促又短淺的呼吸在峽谷裡迴響。我試著讓自己緩和下來，因為我被迫每講幾個字就得暫停。疲勞已經讓我頸部的肌肉僵硬，我不得不用左手支撐著我的頭部。 我想到馬克．Fan.伊巫特，我們一起度過許多美好的時光。從阿萊伐帕峽谷回來時，我坐在你的卡車後座，和安琪聽一些八〇年代很俗氣的音樂。我們在旗桿市附近的威廉斯高峰滑了幾次雪。我們在狼溪感受大雪紛飛的那天，仍然是我滑雪生涯中最棒的日子。我們常玩登山腳踏車、一起攀岩。和你一起去爬禿子山那次，是我第一次去偏遠的鄉下旅行。我和派屈特在勞工節四天的假期也非常棒。連續四天假期，我們玩得很開心。我愛他們每一個人。維斯托峰、北上琿山脈，隔年到皮津，再隔一年去甲基，再隔一年去達拉斯峰。和你們去的山區旅行都是我最喜歡的。real. 我從嘴裡發出微弱的呻吟聲。暫停後，我改變了話題，我想到我的財務狀況，我的家人可能必須幫我整理。 運算了一下子。我有一些CompuServe，UBS Paine Webber的股票，在我亞斯本衣架下的公事包有這些股票的資料。我賣掉了Delphi的股票，但還有GM的。股票可以轉給桑嘉或我的爸媽。而那些搜救人員，因為他們負責運送我的大體，也應該為他們的付出捐一些酬勞給他們。 在報告完我小小的資產後，我心情還不錯。但我渴望食物和水，冰涼又多汁的水果以及鬆軟的甜點，都很美味。 葡萄汁、瑪格麗特調酒、柳橙汁還有冰棒，這些東西我都喜歡。給我一個柳丁或橘子也好。喔，我不能再想這些東西了。 我認為最好的狀況是有人已經連繫上我的爸媽，那表示大家注意到我失蹤了。 我希望我的爸媽知道，我還活著。 四十分鐘之後，還不到四點，我從塑膠包裝袋裡拿出我最後一口墨西哥捲。慘白色的餅皮已經脫水，裡面只有軟軟的豆子。但沒有一點水分。中午我吃得那一口又扁又硬。會不會這最後一口食物不但讓我渴死，而且沒有辦法提供我任何幫助？I have no idea.我只知道我很餓。包裝袋上面的熱量表告訴我，我在最後的七十二小時所吃的兩個墨西哥捲共有五百大卡，我猜我留下來的最後這一口應該起碼有五十大卡。當我運動量大的時候，我每天平均需要吃四、五千大卡。從星期六起我就沒有吃實質的東西，我的身體不斷消耗自己的熱量來彌補不足的部分。如今墨西哥捲所剩無幾，我吃不吃這口好像都無所謂，但是吃了至少有東西在我胃裡面。 我把乾乾的墨西哥捲塞到嘴裡，咀嚼了二十秒後從水壺喝了一口自己的尿液，企圖軟化這口食物。真是噁心。又咀嚼了十秒後，我皺起眉頭，努力吞下去。我應該先拿這一口食物沾一下尿液，然後再搭配我僅存的口水一起吞，這樣一來我就不用喝尿。我舔舔糖果棒的包裝紙，掃盡任何蛋糕袋裡的殘屑，並舔乾淨墨西哥捲，接下來，不得不靠尿液為食。 回到鏡頭前，我想我要多拍自己並記錄我吃完食物這件事。眨了幾次眼後，我開始慢慢地講話，在每一句話之間停頓很久。我發現自己的聲音愈來愈高，應該是因為脫水使聲帶變緊的緣故。 星期二，四點鐘。外面溫度大約十八、九度。我剛吃下最後一口墨西哥捲，還必須混合著水壺上層的尿液才能吞下去。我不想死前沒有對爺爺奶奶說我愛你，兩位爺爺，我很快能見到你們，兩位奶奶，我愛妳們，我以妳們為榮。所有在俄亥俄州的親戚，我愛你們，我很慶幸自己出生在這個家庭。 我渴望再次看到我的家人，但是我知道我已經進入死亡前漫長無望的倒數計時。這又將是一個不好過的夜晚。