Chapter 8 Chapter 6 The Final Choice

I dug frantically into the pit of the seated security, nervous and hurried.The first descent from the col was well over ninety meters long and tormented me a lot.Ramping down to the right is basically impossible.Gravity seemed to turn me into a heavy weight. No matter how I stabbed the snow with an ice ax, I couldn't stop myself from falling straight down. The situation on the face was very different from the slope on the col, and Simon lowered me much faster than I expected.I screamed in panic and pain, but Simon continued to descend at the same rate.The wind continued to increase, and snow and dust covered the sky, swallowing all sounds.After about fifteen meters, I stopped shouting and focused on keeping my legs as clear of the snow as possible.But this is almost impossible.Even though I supported myself with my uninjured leg, the crampons on my right foot kept getting caught in the snow as I descended heavily and rapidly.Every sudden impact made my knees burn, and I burst into tears, gasping for air, cursing the snow and the cold, but mostly Simon.As I adjusted the knot, I felt the rope being pulled, so I jumped up on one leg, shifted my weight to my left leg, hammered the handle of the ice ax into the snow, and leaned over the handle, trying to hypnotize myself from the pain.The pain gradually subsided, leaving only a dull throbbing pain, and I was very tired.

The rope was pulled three more times very quickly, much faster than I could have imagined.I didn't pay attention, and suddenly fell with the rope.I kept falling until it became unbearable, but there was nothing I could do to stop the pain.I yelled and screamed to make Simon stop, but to no avail.There must be a place to vent my grievances, so I cursed Simon and called him a pig and a dog.I kept thinking that the rope must have been put to the end, and I should be able to stop at any time, but this time the length of the rope seemed to have doubled. The face here was much steeper than on the col, and I was frightened, fearing that Simon would not be able to control it.I couldn't stop imagining his dimple collapsing and I tensed up.If I suddenly accelerated my descent, it meant that Simon was pulled down, and we were both dead.I waited, but luckily nothing happened.

The terrible slide stopped, and I hung silently against the slope.There were three slight tremors from the taut rope, and I jumped up on one foot, propping myself up on my uninjured leg.A sharp nausea and pain came over me.The cold snow stings my face, and I feel happy instead.I waited for the burning pain in my knee to subside and my mind gradually cleared up.Several times when the crampons got caught in the snow, I felt my knees were twisted to the side in an unnatural way, and there were sharp pains, the joints seemed to be twisted together, and the cartilage made a disgusting creaking sound.I had just stopped crying when the crampons got stuck again.By the end my legs were shaking uncontrollably, and I tried to stop the shaking, but the harder I tried, the worse the shaking became.I buried my face in the snow, gritted my teeth and waited.Finally the trembling subsided.

Simon was already on his way down, the slack rope falling in circles around me.I looked up, but couldn't see where he was.A cloud of snow and dust rolled down, covering the slope and blocking my view.If there was anything I could see, it was that the dust was bigger than before, which could only mean that it was starting to snow.I also couldn't see what was going on below. I started digging pits for Simon.The job warms up and distracts me from my knees.When I looked up again, I saw Simon was descending rapidly. At this rate we should be able to get down before nine o'clock.Said Simon happily.

I hope so.I didn't say anything more.Nagging about how I feel doesn't help either. OK, here we go again.He was already seated in the pit, ready for the rope, and was about to start the next descent. You can't be idle, can you? What are you waiting for.bring it on! He was still grinning, and his confidence was contagious.I thought to myself, who says one can't save the other.We've gone from mountaineering to rescue, working together and not being stopped by accidents.It was a bit of an uncertain moment at first, but once we got active, everything went smoothly. Well, come on when you're ready.I lay on my side again and said, a little slower this time.Otherwise my leg will be broken.

He didn't seem to hear me because I was falling even faster than before.The continuous torment came again violently.My optimism was gone.I couldn't think of anything but endure until Simon adjusted the knot.It felt like a long time before I got to that moment, but the brief reprieve ended so quickly that the pain hadn't eased before I slid down again. I put my hands on the snow, trying to raise my legs, but to no avail.The ice ax dangled from the ring around my waist, and my hands were frozen.The legs still tripped.I can't do anything.Muscles don't work anymore.I tried repeatedly to lift my leg off the snow, but it kept clinging to my heavy body in sync.I grabbed my thigh muscles and tried to lift my leg up, but to no avail.It's not part of my body anymore.It didn't listen to commands, was lifeless, and swayed listlessly, bumping into the snow again and again, twisting, stumbling, and causing severe pain. I finally gave up trying, leaned weakly on the moving snow, and couldn't help crying.The decline is not over yet.I forgot the thought of stopping and was completely consumed by pain.The pain engulfed my knee and extended to my thigh, and the burning sensation took over all my thoughts.The pain intensified with each jolt, constantly pulling my attention away.The injured leg seems to have a personality, sending a clear message: I am injured, I am in pain, I want to rest, let me be quiet!

At this point the descent stopped abruptly.Three pulls are passed down the rope.I stood up, trembling all over.I tried to grab the ice ax to dig the next hollow, but couldn't hold the handle.When I finally got the ice ax to stay in my hand, the ice ax kept sliding from side to side.I tried picking up the ice hammer, same result.I tugged hard at the right glove, but couldn't get a good grip, and finally I took it off with my teeth, leaving the blue warmer on my hand, the wool frozen.Even through the glove, I could see how stiff my fingers had become, as if stuck together, and I could no longer make a fist.

Snow and dust rolled down the slope.I tucked my hands into my coat and tucked them under the armpits to keep warm, and the gloves hanging from the wrist buckles were filled with falling snow and dust.My head is occupied by the burning pain caused by the backflow of blood.Compared with the extreme burning inside the fingers, the crushing pain in the calf is nothing to mention.After the burning pain subsided, I poured out the snow from the glove, put it back on my hand, and repeated the same process with the other hand. The pit wasn't even halfway done before Simon came down.He waited quietly, head bowed.I looked at him and saw that he too had his hands in his armpits.

My hands are also bad.I think it's frostbitten.I said. It's all a descending relationship.The middle finger couldn't get warm no matter what, and it couldn't be controlled at all. He closed his eyes tightly and gritted his teeth to endure the burning pain.A bigger cloud of snow and dust splashed down on him, but he was unmoved.Falling snow half-filled the hollow I was digging, and I brushed it away with my arms. bring it on.The weather is getting worse, we have to hurry up. I lay at his feet, and as the rope tightened, I shifted my weight off my feet and tensed up for the next descent.He lowered me so violently that I caught my crampons in the snow, and I yelled, meeting his eyes.With a blank face, he continued to let me go.He has no time to pity me.

At the end of the fourth descent, I got worse.The trembling of the legs continued and couldn't stop.The pain has reached an unbearable level.Even when the crampons didn't snag the snow, I couldn't stop the pain.Strangely, the pain seemed more bearable at this point, and I no longer flinched and tensed at the possibility of hitting my leg.Stable pain is easier to adapt to.However, the condition of the hands was much worse, and it was getting harder and harder to recover after the descent.Simon's hands are worse than mine. The blizzard was intensifying, snow and dust were rolling down the slope, and I was digging a hollow that could be pushed down at any moment.The wind roared off the mountain face, blowing flakes of snow onto my bare skin and into every tiny opening in the surface of my clothing.I'm almost exhausted.

I became resigned in my endless descent.The purpose of the descent has long been forgotten by me, I don't want to think about it, I just endure the status quo.When they met, Simon didn't say a word, his expression was solemn and stiff.We've locked ourselves in an uphill struggle.My task was to endure the pain, and Simon's task was an endless physical struggle, dropping me nearly 900 meters in one breath.I wondered how often he was aware that the hollow under his butt could collapse at any moment.I couldn't care less about that, but Simon always knew he could go down the mountain safely by himself if he wanted to.I started appreciating all he did, but quickly stopped.Thinking like this will only strengthen your dependence on him. I was digging the fifth hole when Simon came down, but soon ran into trouble.As soon as I cleared the snow off the surface, I hit a layer of water ice.I propped myself up on my left foot, but it wasn't firmly anchored in the snow.I put my weight on the front paws of the crampons. This position is uncomfortable. The calf muscles are extremely strained due to excessive tension. In addition, I am constantly worried about slipping, which is miserable.If I slipped, I would drag both of them down the hill.Worse, trying to stay steady made me nauseous and dizzy.I kept shaking my head and buried my head in the snow, afraid that I would pass out.We've been through so much suffering and trials, it wouldn't be worth it to die like this. Just look at how often I miss swinging an ice ax to get an idea of ​​how cold I am.The cold wind and endless avalanche first froze my body and then clouded my consciousness.Even when I thought about swinging an ice ax, it took a while to shake off the drowsiness that engulfed me, and just turning the thought into action seemed like a remarkable achievement in itself.I was horrified by how I behaved, and I've heard of people who became sluggish, unable to think, and then froze to death without knowing it.I hung myself on the ice pick, leaned against the ice pick, and started doing vigorous exercises to warm up and refresh myself.I moved my body as much as possible, slapped my arms, rubbed my whole body quickly, and shook my head.Gradually, my whole body warmed up, and the sluggishness just now was swept away. Simon noticed my ice pick.This is the only piece of ice we have found on the mountain so far.He looked at me suspiciously. There must be something down there, a steep slope or something.I said. yes.But I can't see what happens below.He leaned out from the ice pick and stared down. It did get steeper, but I couldn't see why. I looked down and saw the snow and dust cirrus clouds rolling down mightily.Snow covered the entire sky, some fell, some fluttered in the wind, and there was only a vast expanse of whiteness between the sky and the earth. It's not a good idea to put me down without knowing what's next.There could be anything down there, a rock buttress, an icefall, it could be. I know, but I don't remember anything massive here when looking at it from Selia North Peak, do you? I don't remember either.Maybe some rock formations, but nothing else.You can hang down and have a look. If you can continue down, just pull the rope a few times and let me know.I think I can rappel myself. It looks like we have no other choice.Well, I'll hammer another ice pick. He chiseled the ice pick into the hard water ice and hung the double rope.I untied the rope, buckled myself to my ice pick, and stood to safety.As soon as Simon reached the end of the rope, he would set the sure point and signal me to go down.As he started rappelling, I yelled at him: Tie a knot at the end of the rope!In case I faint, I don't want to fall off the end of the rope. He waved his hand to show that he knew, and then slid down into the cloud of snow and dust, and soon disappeared, leaving me alone.I tried not to think that something might happen to him, but just stood quietly on one foot, staring at the snow that swirled wildly around me.The snow hissed against my coat, and the strong wind shook me from time to time.It's such a desolate place.I remembered that it was only this morning when I saw the sun shining on Yalu Paha through the small hole in the snow cave!God!That seemed like a long time ago, but it was really just this morning. We came down the ridge, over the crevasses, and then the cliffs.It seemed like a lifetime had passed so much had happened.The cold spread all over my body again, and the heavy dullness was eroding me bit by bit. I started doing warm-up exercises again, patting and rubbing, trying to drive out the intruders in my mind.Then I saw the rope jerk and I grabbed hold of it and felt the pull along the rope again.I hooked the belay to the rope, removed the ice pick that was dangling me, and carefully shifted my weight to the rappelling line, watching for signs of the ice ax loosening.The rope came loose through the belay and I slid down with Simon. After about six meters, the slope turned into a steep vertical drop.I stopped and looked down.Four or five meters below, the angle becomes more relaxed, and further down, only flying snowflakes can be seen.When crossing the mountain wall, you can see that the mountain wall is a steep rock covered with patches of ice.The entire mountain wall is in the shape of steps, with layers of low steep walls extending downwards, with steep icefalls sandwiched between layers.Once or twice I hit rocks and it hurt like hell, but overall rappelling was easier and less traumatic than being lowered.I can control the speed of the descent, which is great.The steepness of the face is completely painless because I can turn my body away from the face, leave my injured leg hanging in the air, and even pass icefalls without crampons. I was concentrating on rappelling carefully, completely engrossed in what was in front of me, when Simon's voice interrupted my thoughts.I looked down and saw him leaning against an ice pick, grinning at me: There is also a steep spot.It shouldn't be far, because I saw the snow slope just below it. As he spoke, he reached out and grabbed my waist, gently pulling me towards him.He turned me carefully, almost gently, so that my back was on the slope when I stopped beside him.He had already nailed another ice pick next to the one he was dangling from.He hangs me from the ice pick and swings my uninjured leg over the foot he's cut in the ice.I think he has fully experienced my pain just now, so this kind of concern is a silent apology.It doesn't matter.I'm not an unreasonable guy, and he had to. Not far away.Maybe after this dip, four more will do. I knew he was just guessing, or trying to cheer me up.I am grateful.On the sure point of this blizzard, we briefly felt the warmth of friendship.Like a dull third-rate war movie scene dude, let's face it, we'll all make it back alive.But it also feels real, incredibly reliable in a situation full of uncertainty.I put my arms around his shoulders and smiled at him.Behind his smile, I saw the real situation clearly.He had exhausted a lot of energy and looked very haggard. His face was shrunk from the extreme cold, and the pressure he had endured was evident.There was no smile in his eyes, but concern and anxiety.Despite his assurances, I detected a vague sense of uncertainty in his eyes, which was how he really felt. I'm fine, the pain isn't as bad now.how are your hands It's bad, and it's getting worse.He grinned at me.I feel guilty that the frostbitten hands have caused him a lot of suffering.And I've been punished. I rappel first, then set a belay. He left the slope and jumped steadily into the whirlpool of snow and dust. I joined him soon.He has dug a large hollow there.We're back in our original descending pattern.I looked at my watch, but I couldn't see the hands clearly, and I was shocked to realize that it was already so late.I turned on the light on my watch and saw it was seven thirty.It had been dark for more than an hour, and I hadn't noticed it!It made me realize how little I had just done.Hardly any light is needed for digging pits and concentrating your descents. The warmth I felt at the last surety point stayed with me throughout this descent, and I had to resist the urge to giggle with excitement.I feel so naive as to be irrational.I kept imagining myself reaching the glacier and digging a warm snow cave.These images filled my mind and I couldn't get rid of them.That feeling was like being cold and tired after a day of trekking in the mountains and longing to sit in front of the fire and enjoy a steaming meal.I wanted to drive the thought away, fearing that thinking about it would invite disaster.It's no use thinking about it, I told myself.But it still doesn't work.The descent was faster and easier.The pain is always like a gangrene, but it no longer dominates my thoughts. I only want to go down the mountain. Our whole set of descending movements has become as natural as habit, as if we have practiced for several years.Even though we were sliding in the dark in a snowstorm, every meter I dropped made me more optimistic.At each rendezvous, Simon's smile grew brighter and shone brightly in the light of my headlamp.That says it all.We have regained control of the situation, no longer panic or desperate, we know that our descent is orderly and well controlled. I arched my shoulders against an unusually violent wave of snow dust and braced myself until the snowfall was over.When he moved again, the snow between his chest and the slope fell to his feet.I swept the snow powder out of the hollow I had just dug.The weather shows no signs of changing, at least not for the moment.Simon emerged from the darkness above me, his yellow headlamp cutting through a cloud of snowflakes.I kept looking up at him so my headlights would guide him down.When he came to me, it happened to be another avalanche, and we both squatted down to avoid it. damn it!The wave ahead almost washed me off. The avalanche is getting stronger and stronger.Probably because we are close to the bottom.The snow will accumulate more and more along the way. I considered untying the rope so it wouldn't pull you down in case of a hard hit.After hearing what he said, I laughed out loud.If he falls from me, I can't save myself even if I leave the rope. I'm going to fall anyway, it's better for you to hang on to the rope so I don't have to worry and can put the blame on you! He didn't smile.He almost forgot about my injury and now I remind him.He sat down in the hollow for the next descent. I estimate there are at most two drops left.This is the eighth time, plus two rappels, we have descended a total of 800 meters, probably around this figure.The total distance will not exceed 900 meters, so this may be the last stretch. I nodded in agreement.He grinned at me with confidence.I slid down the slope and he disappeared into the blizzard.I had noticed earlier that the slope was gradually decreasing in angle, which I thought was a heartening sign that we were getting closer to the glacier.However, as soon as Simon disappeared from my sight, I found that the slope became steeper again.I was going down faster and my crampons were catching more on the snow.I was too distracted by the pain and discomfort to think much about the slope.I struggled to lift my feet off the snow, but only in vain, and then I gave up and endured the torture in silence. I feel more weight on the sling and I can descend faster.I tried to slow the descent with my arms, but without success.I turned around and looked up into the darkness above.A gust of falling snow made my headlamp flicker on and off.I yelled at Simon to slow down, but the speed continued to increase, and my heart beat wildly.Is he out of control?I tried to slow down again, but it didn't work.The feeling of panic grew stronger and stronger, and it took my breath away.I try to figure it out No, he's not out of control.The speed of my descent is fast, but very smooth.He just wants to be faster and that's all.I told myself I was right.But something is still wrong. The problem is the slope!certainly!I should have thought of that earlier.The slope was much steeper now, and that meant there was only one possibility: I was approaching another drop. I screamed and anxiously warned, but he couldn't hear me.I shouted again with all my strength, but my voice was swallowed up by the cloud.At a distance of more than five meters, it is impossible for him to hear me shouting.I try to estimate how far I am from the mid-way knot.Thirty meters?Or fifteen meters?I have no idea.Each drop seemed endless.As I traveled through the churning blizzard for an indefinite amount of time, I felt almost crushed with pain. A strong sense of crisis enveloped me.I must stop.I knew that Simon would never hear me screaming, and I had to find a way to stop it myself.If he felt my weight come off the rope, he would definitely try to find out why.I grabbed the ice ax and tried to stop myself.I pressed the front end of the ice ax heavily with my body, and inserted the ice ax into the slope, but the ice ax just wouldn't stick.The texture of the snow is too loose.I kicked up the slope with my left foot, but the crampons only made a trail on the snow. At this time, my feet suddenly dangled in the air.I yelped, clawed at the shavings in desperation, and swung my whole body over the edge.The rope caught me, causing me to jerk, and I fell backwards, spinning around on the sling.The rope slipped toward the edge of an ice sheet, and I found myself still falling.A huge avalanche came crashing down on me, and I couldn't see anything. It wasn't until the avalanche stopped that I realized I had stopped.Simon braced against the sudden impact of my weight on the rope.I was dazed and didn't know what was going on except that I was suspended.I grabbed the rope and pulled myself into a sitting position.I'm still spinning, but gradually slowing down.Every time I turned around, I could see a wall of ice about two meters away from me.I had my back to the wall when I stopped spinning, and I had to turn around to look.Snow dust has stopped.I looked up and let my headlight shine along the rope up the ice wall, finding the edge I had just fallen.That's about five meters above.The wall in front of me was made of solid ice, leaning forward extremely steeply.The rope dropped another one to twenty centimeters and then stopped.There was another avalanche at the edge, swirling down with the wind, I quickly arched my body to protect myself. I looked down and saw the wall of ice receding further and further down to the bottom.I stare down, trying to gauge the height of the ice wall.I thought I saw the base of the snow-covered ice wall, and the dark outline of the crevasse directly below me, and then another puff of falling snow obscured my view.I looked up at the edge again.There was no way Simon could have pulled me up, it would have been too difficult even if the anchors were secure, and since he was just sitting in a hollow in the snow, it would have been suicidal.I yelled into the darkness above, and got an indistinct answer.I couldn't tell if it was Simon's voice or if it was my own echo. I waited quietly, keeping my body upright by wrapping my arms around the rope.Watching the drop under my feet makes my heart jump.As the fear builds up, I slowly begin to see how deep the space is under my feet.I am now much higher than the crack at the base of the ice cliff, and I feel my stomach convulsing with fear as I realize the fact.The abyss under his feet is at least thirty meters high!I kept staring down, hoping I was mistaken.It turned out that instead of being wrong, I had been fairly conservative in my estimate.For a while I did nothing but rack my brains to figure out how I had ended up in this situation.Then, a fact suddenly woke me up. I turned around and stared at the wall of ice.The ice wall was more than a meter away from me, and even though I stretched my arms as hard as I could, I still couldn't hit the ice with the ice axe.I swayed my body, trying to reach the ice wall, only to spin helplessly.I know I have to climb up the rope, and I don't know what happened to me here.My previous steep falls were all caused by short walls, and he couldn't have imagined that this time was any different.In that case, he might still send me down.oh!God!I'd be stuck with the knot before I even got to the bottom! I couldn't get to that wall of ice, and I quickly realized that it would be useless even if I did.I can't climb four or five meters on the forward-sloping ice with just one leg.I groped around my waist for two loops of noose that hung there, but when I found them I could not grasp them with my gloved hands.So I ripped the glove off with my teeth and reached for the loop again.I slip one of the loops around my wrist and hold the other between my teeth.In order to get the ring, I took both arms off the rope, so that the whole person was thrown back, and only the waist was hanging on the rope.My pack pulls me back so that my head and legs are lower than my waist, and my body hangs in an arc.I struggled to swing my body upward until I grabbed the rope and pulled myself back to a sitting position. I bent my left arm and hugged the rope, keeping my body upright, and with my right hand I removed the ring from my teeth.I tried looping the thin string around the string, but my fingers were just too stiff.I need to tie a Prussian knot in the rope so that I can slide the knot up the rope and when the knot is fastened I will be able to hang firmly on the rope.It takes too much effort to keep the body upright.Using my teeth and my right hand, I finally succeeded in looping the rope around the rope, and then tried to repeat the knotting steps.For the knot to work, it needs to be wrapped at least three times.When it was finally done, I nearly burst into tears and it took almost fifteen minutes to tie the knot.The cold wind blew gently, pushing me to rotate slowly, and the snow fell on my face in waves, blocking my sight.I fastened a carabiner to a Prussian cord and fastened it around my waist. I pushed the loop up the rope as far as I could with my hands, and leaned against the rope.The knot snapped tight, slipped a few centimeters and held me up.I let go of the rope and leaned back, keeping my body in an upright sitting position.The second loop had to be attached to the rope, but this time I was able to use both hands. I was trying to get the loop off my left wrist, and that's when I realized how out of control my hands were.Both hands were frozen.The fingers of the right hand can still move, but the left hand can no longer move because it held the rope tightly just now.I clapped my hands vigorously, flexing my fingers with the palm of my hand.Slapping, bending, and slapping, again and again, but still no burning pain.After finally recovering a little consciousness, I can do some movements, but only a very small part. I removed the loops from my wrists and held them up to the ropes.I tried looping the rope over the rope and back through the loop, but immediately missed and dropped the loop.The loop landed on the main knot of the harness and I reached out and grabbed it before it was blown away by the wind.Then I raised to the rope again and nearly fell off my hand again, so I fished for the ring with my left hand and held it with my right forearm.I couldn't pick up the loop because my fingers refused to close.Then I tried to move the loop up the arm and it fell down again.This time I could only watch as the ring fell.I realized immediately that I now had no chance of climbing up the rope.Even with two loops it would have been very difficult to climb up, and my hands were so weak that it was impossible.I leaned against the rope dejectedly, cursing under my breath. At least I no longer have to strain to stay upright.This somewhat comforts me, though only a little.The rope from the waist up was as tight as a bar of iron.The loop I just attached holds the rope securely about ninety centimeters above the harness.I unhook the loops from the straps and thread them through the backpack straps so that the straps gather over my chest.I fastened the loop with the last carabiner and leaned back to test the hold.The effect is not bad.The loops straightened my body upwards, and I sat in the air as if I were sitting in an armchair.After making sure I adjusted myself to the best condition, I leaned back on the rope again, feeling completely powerless. Gusts of cold wind made me spin wildly on the rope, and each time I blew, I felt colder.The pressure of the sling on my waist and thighs cut off blood circulation and my legs went numb.The pain in the knee has disappeared without a trace.I hang my arms limply, my hands have no strength at all, I can only feel their weight.Even if the hands regain their strength, it doesn't make much sense.I can't get out of this long suspension.I couldn't get up by myself, and Simon couldn't get me down.I estimated how long it had been since I fell off the edge, and it was no more than half an hour.In two hours I will be dead.I feel the cold slowly taking over my life. Fear lurks in my head, but when the cold hits my body, even the fear subsides.I am so bored imagining how the cold will take my life that I find the speculation amusing.At least I'm happy that it doesn't hurt.The pain has plagued me for too long, and now it's over and I feel so at peace.The cold climbed up my upper body, then slowed down.I wondered how it would move slowly but surely up, along veins and arteries, relentlessly spreading throughout my body.I imagined the cold as some kind of living thing crawling inside me to gain life.I know it's not killed that way, but it feels like it is, and there's good reason to believe it is.It's useless for anyone to argue with me, I'm sure of that.Thinking of this makes me almost laugh out loud.I felt exhausted, lethargic, weaker than I had ever been in my life, and could not feel my extremities.The limbs seem to be out of the body, which is really weird. All of a sudden I fell sharply and gave a jerk on the rope.I turned to look at the wall of ice and found myself descending.Simon put me down again.I shook my head, trying to wake myself up.He can't do it.I knew he was taking a gamble to see if he could get me down before the knot got stuck.In my heart, of course I hope he can succeed, but I'm also pretty sure he can't.I shouted warnings into the dark night sky, but there was no answer.I continued to fall steadily.I looked down, at the crevasse below.Now I can clearly see the crevasse.I looked up again, only to find that I could no longer see the top of the ice cliff.The rope stretched upwards and disappeared into the snow.Then the rope jerked slightly, then again, and then I stopped. Another half hour passed.I no longer yell at Simon.I know he's in the same situation as me and he can't move either.He'd either sit dead in the pit or be dragged down by my weight.The latter happens once he loses consciousness.I wondered if I would have died before this, and maybe he would have lost consciousness before I died.I hang here to avoid the most violent avalanche, he will only be colder than me there. Neither my own death nor Simon's died.I'm too tired to take care of this.I thought, if I was scared, maybe I would have fought harder.But then put the thought out of my mind.Mountaineer Tony.Toni Kurtz struggled to survive when he was dying on Mount Eiger.He never stopped fighting until his death, and when he took his last breath, he was still tied with a rope, unwilling to give up.Rescuers watched him die.It seems odd that I am in the same situation as him now and not feel restless and anxious.Maybe it's because of the cold?It shouldn't be too long.I can't hold on until tomorrow morning and I won't see the sun anymore.I hope Simon doesn't die but that's hard he shouldn't be dragged to his death by me I straightened up suddenly, and all those extravagant thoughts just now were driven away, replaced by a burst of anger, a strong anger that erupted against all the encounters.I yelled into the cold wind, cursing and growling irrationally: It's the last descent, and damn it, it's made me suffer so much.It's all bullshit!son of a bitch! My voice disappeared in the wind and snow.I'm not cursing anyone in particular, I'm just venting my pain and wronged anger.These stupid words are as empty and meaningless as the wind hissing around me.Resentment surged through my body and warmed me, angry and intense streams of abuse and tears of frustration had beaten back the cold.I cry for myself, I curse myself.Everything started because of me.I broke my knee, I fell, I was dying, I got Simon. At this time, the rope slipped again, and I bounced down more than ten centimeters.And then again.Did he untie the knot?I swipe again.stopped again.I know what's going to happen next.He is descending.I'm dragging him down.我靜靜地懸吊著，等待著將要發生的事。隨時都有可能，隨時 ◆Simon's Narrative◆ 我把喬從身邊放下去的時候，他正發出微笑。不過那表情不太像是微笑。痛苦使他的臉變得扭曲。我快速地放下他，沒理會他的叫喊。很快他就從我的頭燈中消失了。這時又是一陣雪崩襲來，我連繩子也看不見了。如果不是腰部還承受著他的體重，我根本感覺不到他。 我維持下放的速度。儘管手指失去了知覺，確保器還是很好操控。我的手指現在很糟糕，讓我非常擔心，自從離開山坳我就開始擔心我的手指。我知道喬的登山生涯已經結束了，我轉而開始擔心自己的雙手，不知道情況有多糟糕。我趁天還亮的時候迅速地看了一下，但看不出傷勢有多嚴重。四個指尖和一根拇指都發黑了，很難說其他幾根會不會也同樣惡化。 我聽到下方傳來一聲微弱的叫喊，繩子輕輕地抽動。可憐的傢伙，我心想。我放他下去的時候肯定把他弄疼了。奇怪的是我對此很冷漠。我本來很難不同情他，現在卻容易多了。我們的進展相當快。這方法很有效。我為此感到驕傲。我們一起撐了過來，這樣很好。下降比我預計的還要容易些，尤其是有喬為我挖凹洞。他真的很努力。我們稍微能掌控情況了！我從未要求喬挖凹洞，但他在前面，所以做了這些事。換作是我也會那樣做嗎？God knows! 我的手又僵住了，總是在繩結上來前變糟，僵硬得好像爪子一樣。繩子平穩地下放。我始終小心避免繩子糾結在一起。我沒辦法想像自己一隻手承受喬的重量，另一隻手還要去解開糾纏且結冰的繩子。吊帶上的拉力增強了。斜坡一定又變陡了，我想。距離調整繩結還剩下二十多公尺。我加快下降速度。我知道這樣做會傷到他。天還亮著的時候，我能看見他在漫長的下降過程中受了多少苦，但我們已經下來了。別無選擇。黑暗中又傳來一聲微弱的叫喊。這時又一陣飛雪席捲而下，籠罩了我整個人。我把身體抵入凹洞，感受雪片落下，然後輕輕碎裂。這些凹洞都勉強撐過了每段下降，不過也處於坍塌邊緣。 突然我的腰部被猛地向前拉出，險些脫離了凹洞。我用力把自己的重心拉回到雪中，撐住雙腿，奮力抵抗突如其來的壓力。God!喬掉下去了。我讓繩子緩緩滑動，然後停下來，如果我突然間停住繩子，就會對我造成衝擊。壓力一直都沒消失。我的吊帶卡進了臀部。繩子在我的兩腿之間緊繃著，隨時都可能劈開凹洞底層，把我拉下去。 半小時以後我再次讓繩子下滑。不知喬發生了什麼事，但顯然那讓他無法從繩子上移開重量。我的臀部遭受壓迫，血液循環受阻，腿都麻了。除了繼續放繩，我也試著想些別的方法，但一籌莫展。喬沒有試著往上爬。我感覺不到繩子有任何抖動的跡象，無法判斷他是否在做什麼努力。我也不可能把他拉上來。凹洞已經只有原先的一半大小，而且正逐漸從我的大腿下面開始瓦解。我撐不了多久了。山壁上部的陡峭區域都不足十五公尺高。我推測再過一小段距離，喬就能把體重從繩子上移開，然後設一個確保點。其實我也沒有其他選擇。 我慢慢放繩，感覺壓力並沒有減輕。喬仍舊懸在繩子上。我他媽的到底把他放到哪裡去了？ 我低頭看著鬆弛的繩子一點點穿過確保器，發現繩結就在下方約六公尺處，正平穩地朝我這裡移動。我開始咒罵，想催促喬趕快落腳在某個牢固的地方。又過了三公尺左右，我不再放繩。繩子上的壓力還是沒有變化。 我不停地跺腳，試圖阻止凹洞坍塌，但沒有用。我感覺到自己因驚恐而顫抖。雪又從背後襲來，洶湧地瀰漫在我的四周。我的大腿一點一點往下移動。雪崩把我往前推，並填滿了我背後的凹洞。oh!God!我就要掉下去了！ 雪崩倏地停止，就像開始時一樣突然。我又放了一公尺半的繩子，同時大腦瘋狂地運轉。我能夠一隻手抓住繩結下面的繩子然後調整確保器嗎？我把一隻手從繩子上移開，眼睛緊盯著繩子看。我無法握拳。我想過先把繩子纏繞在大腿上固定，然後把確保器從吊帶上鬆開。真是愚蠢的想法！我不可能單憑雙手支撐喬的重量。如果我鬆開確保器，近五十公尺長的繩子將失去固定，從我手中抽離，並把我一起拉下山去。 喬掉下那個落差已經將近一個小時了。我凍得瑟瑟發抖。儘管我用盡全力，握住繩子的力量還是一點點減弱。繩子慢慢地向下移動，繩結緊緊抵住我的右拳。我抓不住它，控制不了它。這個念頭擊潰了我。雪在滑動，狂風和寒冷已經被我拋在腦後。我正被拖下去！凹洞在我身下移動，雪從我的腳邊滑走。我滑動了幾公分，趕緊把腳深深跺進斜坡裡，才制止了移動。God!我得做點什麼！ 小刀！這個想法不知從哪裡冒了出來。對了，那把小刀！快點，快呀，把小刀拿出來！ 小刀就在我的背包裡。我花了很長時間才騰出一隻手，把肩帶從肩膀上鬆下來，然後用另一隻手重複同樣的動作。我把繩子繞過大腿繫緊，右手用盡全力握住確保器。我笨手笨腳地撥弄背包上的扣環，感覺身下的雪慢慢地陷落。恐慌幾乎要吞沒了我。我在背包裡摸索，不顧一切地尋找那把小刀。我握住一個光滑的東西，把它拉了出來。紅色塑膠刀柄滑進我的手套裡，我差點失手讓它掉下去。我把刀放在膝蓋上，然後用牙齒脫下手套。我已經做出決定。沒有其他選擇。我用牙齒拉開小刀，金屬刀刃黏住了我的嘴唇。 我把小刀伸向繩子，然後停了下來。我想起腳上還纏著繩子！一定要把那些鬆弛的繩子拿掉！要是繩子纏在一起，我也會被拖下去。我小心翼翼地把繩子放到一邊，確認它們全部都在凹洞一側，遠離確保器。我再次伸出小刀，這次碰到了繩子。 不需花費任何力氣。緊繃的繩子一碰到刀刃就斷裂開來。拉力一消失，我就向後倒進凹洞。我全身都在發抖。 我背靠著雪，努力平穩呼吸，聽到太陽穴裡激烈的鼓動聲。一陣大雪如洪流般湧來，嘶嘶作響。雪片傾瀉到我的臉頰和胸口，鑽進脖子前的拉鍊開口，然後又順著身體往下滑。但這一切我都沒有理會。雪不斷湧來，從頭到腳沖刷著我，在我切斷繩子之後，在我放棄喬之後。 我還活著，在那一刻我只能想到這點。割斷繩子之後，一切歸於漫長的寂靜。喬在明裡，或者他是否還活著，我都不關心了。我已經擺脫了他的重量。在我周圍只剩下寒風和雪崩。 後來我終於坐了起來，鬆弛的繩子從我臀部掉下去。斷裂的繩子穿過確保器他已經不在了。是我殺了他嗎？我沒回答這個問題，雖然我的內心深處有股衝動告訴我，是這樣沒錯。我彷彿失去知覺，冷得像全身都凍結了，由於驚駭而陷入麻木的靜默之中。我沮喪地望著下方旋轉紛飛的雪，想弄清楚到底發生了什麼事。沒有內疚，甚至沒有悲傷。我盯著穿透風雪的微弱頭燈光柱，一種空虛的感覺縈繞著我。我想要朝他大喊，但抑制住自己。He won't hear it.I can be sure.寒氣爬上我的背部，我在風中發抖。又一陣雪崩在黑暗中向我襲來。獨自一人待在暴風雪肆虐、雪崩不斷的山壁上，我已經極度寒冷。我別無選擇，只能暫時把喬的事情拋在腦後，明天早上再說吧。 我站起來，轉向斜坡。凹洞已經被雪崩落下的雪粉填滿了。我開始動手挖掘，很快就挖出一個足夠大的洞，足以讓我半埋進斜坡裡，只有腿暴露在風雪中。我機械地挖著，腦海裡反覆閃現痛苦的爭論和無法回答的問題，於是我停止挖掘，一動不動地躺著，思考今晚發生的事情。然後我接著挖。每過幾分鐘，我都要提醒自己擺脫一團亂麻的思緒，繼續挖掘，結果就是幾分鐘以後我又再次分神。我花費了很長時間才挖好這個雪洞。 今夜十分詭異。我如此冷漠地思考這一切，彷彿要跟這些事件撇清關係，感覺非常奇怪。有時候我會想，喬是不是還活著？我不知道他是從哪裡掉下去的。我知道我們已經很接近山腳了，因此，如果我假設他只跌落一小段高度就掉到冰河上，並因此死裡逃生，似乎也說得過去，說不定此刻他也在獨自挖掘雪洞。然而又有些什麼東西讓我覺得事情不是這樣，我無法逃避自己強烈的直覺，他一定已經死了，或是已經奄奄一息。我有種直覺，在這漆黑的夜裡，就在我的雪洞下方，有些可怕的東西正隱匿在狂舞的漫天飛雪中。 挖好雪洞以後，我鑽進自己的睡袋，用背包堵住洞口，把雪洞頂上呼嘯的風雪隔絕開來。我躺在寂靜的黑暗中，想讓自己入睡。無數稀奇古怪的念頭在我腦海中瘋狂打轉，我難以成眠。我試著專注回想我所做的一切，好定下心來。過了一會兒我就打住了，我只能回想起一些事實，而這些事實如此真實，赤裸裸的真實，以至於我根本無法從中得出任何結論。我想質疑自己所做的一切。我似乎有必要指控自己，證實我做錯了。 這樣做的結果很糟糕，比讓那些古怪念頭佔據腦袋還要糟糕。我對自己提出抗議，我堅強地割斷了繩子，這樣的表現確實讓我感到很滿意。當時的我沒有其他選擇，所以我就那麼做了。我做了，而且做得很好。Oh shit!這麼做可是需要很大的勇氣。很多人還來不及鼓起勇氣就死了。但我還活著，我自始至終都能掌握狀況。我很鎮定地處理，甚至還停下來謹慎檢查繩子會不會纏在一起把我拉下去。但也因為這樣，我更感到困惑！我應該內疚的。but I do not have.我做了正確決定。但是，喬怎麼辦 最後我變得昏昏沉沉，半夢半醒地思考著，就這樣度過了難熬的幾小時。我在黑暗的雪洞裡漫無邊際地胡思亂想。思考是因為我的頭腦拒絕入睡，也可能是緊張、害怕和恐懼使我亢奮。我反覆地想，喬死了，我知道他已經死了，然後又覺得那不是喬，只是從我的腰部脫離的一團重物，墜落得太過突然，太過猛烈，我根本抓不住。 夜漸漸深了，我陷入恍惚。我暫時遺忘了喬，取而代之的是口渴。每次醒來我都渴望喝水，最後我滿腦子只想著這件事。我感覺舌頭又乾又腫，與上顎黏在一起，無論往嘴裡塞進多少雪也無法止渴。上次喝水已經是二十四小時之前的事了。那時候我應該至少喝掉一公升半的飲料，才能解除高海拔造成的脫水。雪散發出水的味道，把我重重包圍，我快要瘋了。我迷迷糊糊、筋疲力盡地睡去，不時又因為強烈渴望喝水而驚醒。 天慢慢亮了。我看到冰斧在雪洞頂上留下的痕跡，黑夜過去了。我開始思考今天的對策。我知道自己不會成功下山。我如果成功了，一點也不合理。我已經徹底思考過了。我無法逃過這樣的下場。我不再害怕，昨晚的恐懼已經隨著夜色逝去。我知道我得努力嘗試，也知道自己會死，但我還是得去經歷這一切。至少我能夠保有一點尊嚴。我必須竭盡全力。雖然這樣還是不夠，但我得試試。 我穿戴整齊，就像即將在信眾簇擁下舉行莊嚴儀式的神職人員。我確信這將是我生命中的最後一天，因此並不急於動身下山。我已在心中將自己定罪。我莊重地迎接這一天，彷彿自己是某種古老儀式的一部分，而儀式的所有細節在昨晚那輾轉反側的黑暗時光中都已敲定。 我繫上冰爪的最後一根綁帶，然後默默地看著自己戴上手套的雙手。謹慎的準備工作已經讓我鎮定下來。我的恐懼消失了，內心很平靜。我覺得自己冷靜而堅毅。夜晚已經淨化了我，沖走一切愧疚和痛苦。自切斷繩子以來的孤獨感消失了，口渴也已經緩解。我做好前所未有的充足準備。 我用冰斧砸毀雪洞頂，起身沐浴在耀眼陽光中。這是美好的一天，沒有雪崩，也沒有風。靜默的冰山在我周圍閃爍著潔白的光芒。冰河緩緩地向西面蜿蜒，直達營地上方的黑色冰磧地。我感覺自己好像被注視著。峰頂和山稜交會成新月的形狀，好像有什麼東西在那裡俯視著我，等待著我。我從雪洞的殘骸中邁開腳步，動身下山。我就要死了，我知道，身邊的一切也知道。