Chapter 19 Chapter Eighteen

Ruth was in her small rented room when her dad mentioned the sinkhole on the phone, wrapping long phone cords around her wrists and arms, and giving curt yes and no answers to indicate that she Listening to Dad talking.The old landlady likes to eavesdrop, so Ruth doesn't like to say much on the phone.She planned to make a collect call on the street after a while and told her family that she was going to go back and have a look. Before the builder sealed the sinkhole, she had to go back and have a look.She has an unnamed fondness for sinkholes and such, but just as she doesn't tell anyone that she saw my ghost in a parking lot, she doesn't tell everyone that she likes sinkholes and such.She saw too many drunks in New York talking about their families and their sad past in public for attention or to get a free drink.She would never do this. She felt that a person's private affairs should not become a topic of gossip, nor should it become a pastime when the wine was hot. She wrote down her thoughts in detail in the diary, and they also helped her Keep it a secret.Every time she has an urge to talk to someone, she tells herself softly: keep it in your heart, keep it in your heart, don't tell anyone casually.Thinking about it, she always returned to the streets and walked through the streets of New York City, thinking only of the cornfields of her hometown and her father examining antiques.New York City became the perfect place for contemplation, a metropolis that, no matter how loudly the sound of her footsteps in the streets, stirred little in her mind.

Now she doesn't look as eccentric as she used to be in high school, but if you look closely, you can feel her eyes are as clever as a jumping rabbit, and many people are quite uncomfortable looking at them.She often had a special expression on her face, as if she was waiting for someone to come, or guarding against something that hadn't happened yet.The bistro where she works is often said to have beautiful hair, or her hands. Occasionally, when she comes out from behind the bar, some customers will look at her legs and praise her, but no one ever mentions her eyes. She always puts on black tights, black short shirt, black boots, and black T-shirt casually. She wears the same set of clothes for work and leisure, and the clothes are already covered with stains.The stains are particularly obvious in the sun. Ruth didn't know it at first. One day she went to an open-air coffee shop, ordered a drink and sat down to rest. She looked down at her skirt and found that the skirt was covered with vodka and whiskey stains. .The alcohol stain seemed to make the dress appear darker, which Ruth found amused, and made a special note in her diary: Alcohol changes the fabric just as alcohol affects people.

She used to go to First Avenue to have a cup of coffee as soon as she went out. There were several Ukrainian women sitting on the steps beside the road, and each of them held a puppy on their lap. Ruth liked to pretend to talk to these Chihuahuas and Pomeranians. The dogs, though small, barked furiously, and every time they passed they barked loudly, and Ruth liked these hostile little fellows very much. After drinking coffee, she kept walking in the city, often to the point where her legs were so sore that she could hardly walk.Nobody greets her except a few odd people, she invents a game of her own to see how to walk without hitting traffic lights, she never gets slowed down by anyone, sometimes a bunch of NYU students , or the old woman holding a laundry basket brushed past her, people came and went, she only felt the pedestrians drifting past her like the wind, but their faces were blurred.She often imagined that if she died, everyone would think it was strange if they didn't see her, but she also knew that she was just an unknown little person, except for her colleagues, no one knew where she lived, nor No one was waiting for her to come home.She is hidden in the city, and no one knows who she is.

She didn't know that Samuel had proposed to my sister, and that the only schoolmate she kept in touch with was Ray, and she would never know unless Ray told her.At school she had heard that my mother had left, and the rumors had re-emerged at school, and she had watched my sister struggle, they occasionally met in the hallway, and Ruth knew her classmates thought she was weird, When everyone sees Linxi talking to her, rumors may spread again, so she had no choice but to find an opportunity to say a few words to cheer up Linxi without increasing Linxi's troubles.She remembered what Lindsay had said to her at the gifted student workshop, and that night was like a dream, in which all the damn rules were loosened so that they could speak freely.

Unlike the others, Ray, their kisses and caresses were like treasures in a glass case to her, and she treasured those memories.Every time she goes home to visit her parents, she always finds a way to get together with him, and when she thinks of going to the sinkhole, she immediately thinks of inviting him to go with her.She thought he would readily agree. He was usually under a lot of academic pressure, and it would be nice to have a chance to explore.He often tells Ruth about his internship experience. If the atmosphere is right, maybe he will talk more carefully this time.Ray's description made Ruth feel like she was there. She not only understood what he said, but also understood his feelings.Maybe he didn't know that his words had such a powerful effect, but he did call out all the feelings in her.

She walked north on First Avenue, and she could pinpoint exactly where she had been and where women and little girls had been killed.When she writes in her diary every day, she tries to list these places, but when she thinks of those dark and narrow alleys and what happened here, she doesn't know how to write.She thought about these unsolved murders every day, and she ignored other simpler cases, such as who she read in the newspaper who had been murdered, or she visited a woman's grave. in the back of the head. She doesn't know she's pretty famous in heaven, I tell my friends who Ruth is and what she does, she walks around the metropolis every day, goes to the place where a murder happened and mourns quietly, and comes home Also prayed for each victim in the diary.Soon everyone in Paradise hears about it, especially the women who were murdered, and they all wonder if Ruth found out where they were killed.There are many people in heaven who are fascinated by Ruth, but the actions of these people may disappoint Ruth. They gathered together to discuss Ruth's appearance eagerly, like a group of little girls talking about movie stars in idol magazines. The atmosphere is not like The solemnity Ruth imagined.

Only I can follow Ruth to observe around. Everyone thinks that Ruth has a glorious mission, but it is not.Although this super-sensitivity is quite amazing, it is sometimes quite painful.Sometimes an image flashed through Ruth's mind, fleeting but indelible. The image flashes like a spotlight, sometimes it's a scream, someone being pushed down the stairs, or a pair of hands clenched around a neck, sometimes it's a woman, or a little girl being killed The process, the whole process was vividly presented in front of her eyes. Ruth was dressed in black, wandering in the noisy metropolitan area of ​​New York.People in midtown Manhattan were hurrying to and fro, but no one noticed the girl standing by the side of the road.Ruth, who is dressed as an art student, will not attract attention wherever she goes. Everyone just thinks that she is an ordinary college student, and they don't pay special attention to her.But for us in heaven, she shoulders a great mission, and most people on earth dare not even try.

The day after Lindsey and Samuel's graduation, I went out with Ruth to roam.She walked to Central Park. Although it was already past lunch time, the park was still quite lively. Couples were sitting on the uneven grass. She watched them secretly. In this sunny afternoon, her peeping was particularly eye-catching. Some of the young men looked at her suspiciously, but as soon as they caught her eye they dropped their heads or looked away. Walking, she crossed Central Park, she has many places to go, some corners are densely wooded, she can even stay there and write a diary, recording the violence that happened here.But she chose a place that everyone thinks is safer, such as the small pond in the southeast of the park.She also often goes to the man-made lake in the park, which is quite quiet, and it is common for old people to raise beautiful hand-carved sailboats by the lake.

There is a zoo in the park, and she often sits on a bench next to the path leading to the zoo to watch people.On the other side of the gravel road, a nanny took the children out to play, and some adults sat alone in the shade of the trees and read.Although she was very tired from walking, she still took out the diary from her backpack, opened it, put the diary on her lap, and pretended to write something with a pen in her hand.She knew that when a person was sitting in the park resting, it was best to pretend that there was something to do, otherwise strange people would come to strike up a conversation.The diary is her closest friend, and all her thoughts are placed in the diary.

After sitting for a while, a little girl suddenly appeared in front of her. The babysitter had fallen asleep. The little girl was walking around alone and lost her way. She was about to walk into the rose bush between the park and Fifth Avenue.Ruth came back to her senses, and was about to warn the child’s nanny loudly like ordinary people. Someone else seemed to have noticed something was wrong. Before Ruth saw anything, the nanny suddenly woke up, sat up straight suddenly, and shouted orders The little girl came back. At such times, Ruth always felt that there seemed to be a set of contrasting codes between heaven and earth. One set was a little girl who grew up safely, and the other was a little girl who died unfortunately. There seemed to be some kind of mysterious relationship between the two. association.The nanny packed up her things, rolled up the blanket, and was about to take the little girl away. Then Ruth saw who had warned the nanny earlier. It was a very young little girl. A long time ago, the little girl got lost and walked into a rose bush. It has since disappeared without a trace.

Judging from the clothes on the little girl, Ruth knew that this happened a long time ago, but she only saw the little girl alone. She didn't know whether it happened in the day or night. The girl just disappeared. I sat down with Ruth and she opened her diary and wrote in it: Time?The little girl lost her way to the bushes in Central Park, her white collar was embroidered with lace, so delicate.After finishing writing, she closed the diary and put it back in her backpack.There was a penguin exhibit at the zoo not far away, and sitting in the exhibit usually eased her pain. We stayed in the exhibition hall in the afternoon, and the seats around the exhibition hall were covered with tapestry. She was dressed in black and sat quietly on the chair. From a distance, only her face and hands could be seen.Penguins waddle, cluck, dive, slide awkwardly down rocky perches, and transform into tuxedo-clad warriors once in the water.The child put his face on the glass box and shouted excitedly. Ruth counted the living children and counted the ghosts of children present. The exhibition hall was filled with cheerful laughter of children. Only in this brief period For a moment, she was able to drive the ghost's wailing out of her mind. The weekend after the graduation ceremony, my younger brother got up early as usual.In the seventh grade, he brought lunch to school every day. He participated in the school's debate club. In physical education class, he was like Ruth back then, and he was not selected as a team member until the end.He wasn't as athletic as Lindsay, and Granny said he only practiced the pompous pose. His favorite was not the class teacher but a librarian, a tall, thin, pale woman with stiff hair and hot tea in a thermos. matter.Under her influence, my younger brother spoke with a British accent for several months. When Lindsay watched the BBC's "Masterpiece Theatre", he also seemed very interested. After my mother left, the garden at home was neglected. A while ago, my younger brother asked my father if he could let him re-arrange the garden. My father replied, "Of course, Buck, do it well." He is very serious indeed.When he couldn't sleep at night, he read the gardening catalog in detail, almost lost in thought.He also looked through all the books about gardening in the school library. His grandmother suggested that he grow some parsley and basil, while Hall said useful plants such as eggplant, cantaloupe, cucumber, carrot and beans were better. You are right. He didn't like the method mentioned in the book. The book suggested that the flowers and tomatoes should be planted separately, and the spices should be planted in the corner of the garden. He felt that these suggestions were unreasonable and decided to try it in his own way.He pestered his father to help him bring seeds back every day, and even took the initiative to go shopping with his grandmother. After seeing him running around courteously in the supermarket, his grandmother had to take him to a flower shop to buy a small pot of flowers after buying vegetables.In this way, with a shovel, he slowly planted a garden full of flowers and plants.He now waits for the tomatoes to ripen, but also for the daisies, petunias, violets, and sage to sprout, and the castle he built as a child is now a tool shed with his tools and supplies. Grandma knew that one day, Buckley would understand that he couldn't plant all the plants and vegetables together, and that the flowers and plants in the garden wouldn't all sprout at the same time.Carrots and potatoes grow larger in the ground until they must eventually interfere with the growth of gherkins, vigorous weeds may overwhelm the parsley, and active garden pests may bite the delicate stamens.But she said nothing, just waited patiently for Buckley to discover these things himself. At this age, she knows that it is useless to talk too much, and nothing can be saved by talking too much. At the age of seventy, she believes that only time will prove everything.Buckley hauled a box of clothes from the basement into the kitchen just as Dad was downstairs for coffee. What did you take, little farmer?Dad said he was always in a good mood in the morning. I'm going to pile up the tomatoes.said the younger brother. Have they sprouted yet? Dad was standing barefoot in the kitchen in his blue dressing gown, while Grandma prepared a big pot of coffee every morning, and Dad poured a cup of coffee from the pot and watched his little son as he drank it. I just saw some sprouts this morning, and my younger brother said happily: They are rolled together, like palms about to open. After a while, Dad leaned against the sink and repeated what the younger brother said to grandma, only then did he see what the younger brother took from the basement.The clothes in the box belonged to me. Linxi picked out the clothes first, took away the clothes she wanted, and put the rest in my room. After grandma moved into my room, she quietly took Linxi away while her father was at work. The leftover clothes were put in a box, which she put in the basement, and the box was simply marked as a reserved item. Dad put down his coffee cup and went through the screen door, calling Buckley as he went. Dad, what's the matter?Barkley sensed that something was wrong with his father's tone. These are Suzie's clothes.Dad walked up to Buckley and said without hesitation. Buckley looked down at the black plaid dress in his hand. Dad came closer, picked up the dress from my younger brother, and then silently picked up the clothes my younger brother had scattered on the grass. He grabbed my clothes tightly and walked back into the house without saying a word, as if he was about to out of breath. At this moment, the little brother felt an unknown fire in his heart.Only I saw my younger brother's anger, a burst of redness spread from behind his ears to his cheeks and chin, and his fair face was gradually stained with a blush. Why can't I use these clothes?he asked. Dad felt as if someone had punched him hard in the back. Why can't I use these clothes to grow tomatoes? The father turned around and looked at the young son with an angry face. Behind the son was a row of neatly dug gardens, and small seeds could be seen everywhere on the dirt.How can you ask me this question? You have to make a choice and it's so unfair.said the younger brother. Buck?Dad hugged my dress tightly to his chest. I watched Barkley grow more and more angry, and the golden-yellow grove behind him burst into golden light. Since my death, the golden-colored grove has grown twice as tall. I'm bored to death!Buckley yelled: "Keesha's dad passed away, she's not well yet!" Is Keisha your classmate? That's right! Dad stood there in a daze, he could feel the dew on his bare ankles and feet, and the ground under his feet was wet and cold, as if there was some kind of omen. Oh, how sad.When did her father die? Dad, when will he die is not the point, you still don't understand!Buckley turned around abruptly, trampling hard on the tomato shoots that had just emerged. Buck, you stop!Dad yelled. The younger brother turned to look at his father. Dad, you just don't understand!He said. Sorry, Dad said: These are Suzie's clothes, I can't oh, maybe you don't know what I'm talking about, but these are her clothes, she's worn them before. You took the little shoes away, didn't you?The younger brother said that he, whose face was full of tears, stopped crying now. What did you say? You took the little shoes, you took the little shoes from my room. Buck, I don't know what you're talking about. I put away the little shoes for playing Monopoly, but the little shoes are gone.You must have taken it!You want to monopolize Suzie! If you have something to say, if you want to say something to me, just say it.Why did you mention Keesha's dad? Put your clothes down. Dad slowly put the clothes on the ground. This has nothing to do with Keesha's dad. Tell me what matters!Dad can only guess intuitively. He seems to have returned to the night just after knee surgery. Painkillers made him groggy. After waking up, he vaguely saw his five-year-old son sitting next to him, Barkley Jr. waited for his dad to open his eyes before he could say to his dad: Look, here I am! She is dead. Although many years have passed, my heart still hurts when I hear it, I know it. But you don't act like that, Keesa's dad died when she was six and Keesa says she hardly misses him. she will.Dad said. But what are you going to do with us? What to do with whom? us!Dad, me and Lindsey!Mom just left because she couldn't stand it. Don't get so excited, Buck.Dad said he was having trouble breathing, but he was still trying to stay calm.Suddenly, a faint voice sounded in his heart: Let it go, let it go, let it go.What?Dad said. I did not say anything. Let it go, let it go, let it go. Sorry, Dad said: I don't feel well.Standing on the wet grass, he felt his feet getting colder and colder.There seemed to be a big hole in his chest, and the mosquitoes in the garden were flying around the empty chest cavity, and the same faint voice still echoed in his ears: Let go. Dad suddenly fell to his knees on the ground, shaking his arms involuntarily, as if he had fallen asleep.After a while, Dad's whole body began to twitch, and the younger brother rushed to his side. dad? Buck.Dad's voice trembled, and he shouted hoarsely for his younger brother. I'm going to call grandma.Barkley hurried back to the house for help. Dad fell to the ground, his cheek tilted to my old clothes, and he murmured weakly: You never have a choice.I love each of you three. That night, as Dad lay in the hospital bed, the monitor plugged into his body beeped low and regular.The time has come to dance around his feet, beside him, I can take him quietly, but where can I take him? The clock above the hospital bed ticked by, and I thought of a game I used to play with Lindsey, when we used to hang out in the yard, picking daisy petals and repeating: He loves me, he doesn't love me.The clock on the wall was ticking, and I followed the bell, thinking silently in my heart as before: die for me, don't die for me; die for me, don't die for me.I feel very contradictory. I don't want to see my father leave the world, but I hope to be with him in heaven.I can't seem to control myself. Seeing my father's heartbeat getting weaker and weaker, my heart is full of struggles. If my father dies, he can always be with me. Is it wrong to think so? Buckley was in his room, pulling the sheet up to his chin, and lying quietly in the dark.The roaring ambulance took our dad away, and Lindsay drove him to the hospital, but he could only follow him to the emergency room.Although Linxi didn't say anything, the younger brother felt that Linxi was blaming him, and a strong sense of guilt rose in his heart.Lindsay just asked two questions repeatedly: What did you talk about?Why is he so excited? The younger brother is most afraid of losing his father. Dad is the most important person in his life. Although he loves Linxi, grandma, Samuel, and Hall, no one can make him worry like his father.Whether it's day or night, he always pays close attention to his father's behavior, as if he will lose his father if he doesn't pay attention. On one side of my father is me, on the other side is my younger brother; on one side is the dead daughter, on the other side is the living son, both are his children, and both have the same wish.We all want Dad to be by our side forever, but it's impossible for him to grant our wishes at the same time. There were only two occasions when Barkley grew up without his dad putting him to bed.Once was the night Pa went to see Mr. Harvey in the cornfield, and once was now.At this moment, Dad is lying in the hospital, and the doctors are carefully monitoring his condition to prevent another heart attack. The younger brother knows that he is old enough to stop thinking about these children, but I can understand how he feels.Dad is great at putting the little ones to bed, and we all look forward to the moment before bedtime.Before going to bed every night, Dad always pulls down the blinds and smooths the leaves with his hands to make sure that no leaves are sticking out. If the leaves are sticking out, the morning light will wake Buckley up, so he doesn't let the sun disturb the child's sleep.After the blinds were drawn, Dad walked over to the bed, and the younger brother got goosebumps with excitement, he was already ready to play the game. Buck, are you ready?Daddy asked, brother sometimes yells signal received, sometimes yells takeoff, but if he just wants to get started, he yells!Dad pinched the two corners of the sheet with the thumb and forefinger of both hands, folded the thin sheet and put it in his hand, and then spread his hands, and the whole sheet fell lightly.If I use Barkley's bed sheet, it will fall like a blue cloud, but if I use my bed sheet, it will be a light purple cloud. The bed sheet falls lightly from my brother's head like a parachute, floating very slowly and well Beautiful, it floated until the end to softly cover the younger brother's bare knees, forehead, cheeks, and chin.The bed sheet fluttered in the air, stirring up gusts of breeze, and when it fell on my little brother, there was still a breeze blowing around.Wrapped in the bed sheet, the younger brother felt at ease and safe in his heart, which was a great feeling.He shrank away tremblingly, wishing he could play again.The breeze blows and the sheets fall; the breeze blows and the sheets fall, there seems to be an indescribable connection between the two: the little boy in front of him also has an indescribable connection with the man lying on the hospital bed. That night, my little brother curled up on the bed like a baby with his head propped against the pillow.He had not closed the blinds, and the lights from the neighbor's house were coming in from outside. He stared at the wardrobe across the room. Before, he had imagined that the evil witch would come out of the wardrobe and join forces with the dragon hiding under the bed to bully him. Now He is not afraid anymore. Please, Suzy, don't take Papa, he said softly: I need him. After leaving the little brother, I walked down the balcony of Paradise Square to go home. The street lamps cast mushroom-like light and shadows. I counted the street lamps as usual and walked forward. Suddenly, a brick path appeared in front of me. As I walked along the path, the bricks turned into flat stones, and the stones turned into sharp little stones, and finally there were no stones at all, and all I could see was a large swirl of muddy ground.I waited quietly, I had been in heaven long enough to know what I was going to see when I waited.The night gradually fell, and the sky was dyed a soft light blue, just like the night I left the world.In the dimness, I saw someone walking towards me, that person was too far away from me, I couldn't tell the gender or age.As the moon rose, I gradually saw that it was a man, and I grew more and more afraid.I ran just enough to see him, could that be my dad?Or Mr. Harvey who desperately wants him to get what he deserves since I got to heaven? Suzy!I took a few steps forward and stopped a few feet from him, and he stretched his arms toward me. remember me?He said. I felt like I was a six-year-old again, standing in the living room of a big house in Illinois, and now I was just like before, with my feet lightly on the feet of the man in front of me. on feet. grandfather!I yelled loudly. It was just me, my grandparents, and my grandchildren all around me, because we were already in heaven, so I was still as light as six years old, and my grandfather was as healthy as he was when he was fifty-six and Dad took us to visit him.We danced slowly to the music that my grandfather would have wept every time he was alive. Remember this piece of music?he asked. Barbour! That's right, Barber's Adagio for Strings.He said. We danced to the music, we used to be clumsy, but now we dance very smoothly.I remember watching my grandfather cry while listening to music, and I also asked him why he was crying. Susie, sometimes it brings tears to your eyes when you think about someone you love, even after a long time.He held me in his arms while talking, and I broke free from his arms in a few moments, and ran to the backyard to play with Linxi. At that time, we thought the backyard of my grandfather's house was so big. That night, our grandparents and grandchildren didn't say much, the sky always seemed to be a clear blue, and we danced for a long time in the never-ending blue light.I know that as we dance, there is a change in heaven and on earth.We have read about this kind of sudden transformation in nature class. At first, it is very slow, and then suddenly the world is spinning, like a chemical change. The original things are gone; with a boom, time and space are also changed. .I leaned close to my grandfather's chest, sniffing his unique smell. His clothes had a faint smell of moth balls. My father should also smell like this when he is old.I think of all the smells I love: kumquats, skunks, premium tobacco, blood on the mortal ground and heaven's sky still blue. When the music stopped, we seemed to have been dancing for a long time. Grandpa took a step back, and the sky behind him gradually turned yellow and orange. I have to go.He said. Where are you going?I asked. Don't worry honey, you're almost there too. After my grandfather finished speaking, he turned and left. His image quickly turned into countless light spots and fine dust, and disappeared before my eyes.