Chapter 20 Chapter Nineteen
Of course, we woke up late the next day, so hungover, we all looked like idiots.I still have a splitting headache, and my lips feel tender and swollen from last night's shame.I added a jumper over yesterday's clothes, checked my face in the mirror for redness from scratches (there wasn't one), and then dragged myself downstairs.
Abby is in the kitchen, clacking ice into a glass.Excuse me, I stood at the door and said: Did I miss breakfast?
Abby threw the ice tray back into the freezer and slammed the door shut.No one is hungry.I'm having a bloody mary, daniel's making coffee, and if you want anything else, make it yourself.After speaking, he brushed past me and walked into the living room.
I thought to myself, if I try to figure out why she is so mad at me now, my head will explode.So, I poured a large cup of coffee, spread butter on a slice of bread (toast felt too difficult), and walked into the living room.Xiao Rui was still unconscious on the sofa, with the cushions covering her head.Daniel sat on the window sill and stared at the yard, holding a mug in one hand and letting it burn with a cigarette in the other.He didn't turn to look at me.
Is he still breathing?I pushed my chin towards Xiao Rui and asked.
Who cares?Abby said.She was slouching in an armchair with her eyes closed and her glass pressed to her forehead.There was a strong sour smell in the room, and the smell of cigarette butts, sweat and spilled alcohol mixed with each other.Someone cleared the broken glass from the piano and left it in a small pile on the corner of the floor, making it very unsafe.I sat down cautiously and tried to finish my breakfast without moving my head.
The afternoon lingered on, slow and thick as molasses.Abby wanted to engage in autism, but wasn't serious, changed her mind within a few minutes, and did it all over again.I curled up above the armrest, dozing off and on.Finally, Justin finally showed up.He was in pajamas, and the sunlight outside the window made him blink with sadness.It would have been a pretty good day if it wasn't for the careless enjoyment.Oh, my God, Justin covered his eyes and said in a weak tone: My head is so uncomfortable, I must have caught a cold, and my whole body hurts.
It must be the night air, Abby fired again, wet and cold, whatever.Not to mention we drank so much punch we could have sailed a cruise on it.
It's not about the booze, my legs hurt, and a hangover shouldn't hurt my legs.Could you please close the curtains?
No, Daniel said without looking back: Have some coffee.
Maybe I have a head bleed. When my head bleeds, don't my eyes feel uncomfortable?
You are just hungover, Xiao Rui sank into the sofa and said: Although I am also terribly sad, if you scream again, I will get up and suffocate you to death.
Oh, that's great, said Abby, massaging the bridge of her nose: he's alive.Justin ignored Xiao Rui, raised his chin coldly, indicating that the fight last night was not over yet, and then sat down on the chair.
Maybe we should go out for a walk later, Daniel finally came back from his wandering, looked around and said: Maybe it can clear everyone's minds.
I can't go anywhere, Justin reaches for Abby's Bloody Mary and says: I have a cold and I'm bound to get pneumonia if I go out.
Abby slapped Justin's hand away and said: This is mine, you can adjust it yourself.
The ancients would say that Daniel said to Justin: You have an imbalance of body fluids, too much black bile, which leads to depression.Black bile is dry and cold in nature, so moist and warm things should be used to treat it.I can't remember which foods are associated with cheerfulness, but it's supposed to be red meat, eg
Sartre was right, Xiao Rui said through the cushion: other people are hell.
I feel the same way, I just hope that the night will come soon, I can go out for a walk, away from the house and these people, and think about what happened the night before.I've never been around people for such a long time in my life, I didn't realize it before, but everything they did today, including Justin's death and Abby's frequent moves, was like a punch Woke me up abruptly.I pulled up my jacket over my head, tucked into the corner of the armchair, and fell asleep.
When I woke up, the living room was empty, as if there was an emergency and everyone evacuated in a hurry.The lights were on, the blinds were askew at odd angles, the chairs had been pushed back, and the donuts and half-finished glasses were left on the table.Hello!I yelled, but the voice was sucked into the shadows, and no one answered.
The forest house is like a huge monster, which keeps people away thousands of miles away, as if returning downstairs after a day's work and rest at night, feeling alienated and focused in the room, immersed in one's own world.I didn't see the note, they might have actually gone for a walk to get over the hangover.
I poured myself a cup of cold coffee and drank it against the kitchen sink while looking out the window.The sun turns yellow, the orange is like syrup, and the swallows are chirping and swooping over the lawn.I put the cup in the sink and went upstairs to go back to the room, subconsciously walking lightly, avoiding the loose floor so as not to make a sound.
I reached for the doorknob and felt the room suddenly awake and alert.Before I opened the door and smelled the faint smell of smoke in the air, I knew Daniel was inside when I saw his broad-shouldered back sitting motionless on the bed.
Daniel turned to look at me, his glasses shone blue with the setting sun outside the window, and said: Who are you?
My head was racing so fast that even Frank couldn't fault it.I beckoned him to be quiet with my fingers, and at the same time I reached for the light switch, and then shouted: Hey, it's me, I'm here.If it weren't for Daniel's weird temperament, who are you trying to avoid him by this trick?Simply impossible.Daniel stared at me, standing between me and my suitcase.What about the rest?As I asked him, I unbuttoned my blouse so he could see the miniature mic on my bra and the wires leading into the bandage.
Daniel just raised his eyebrows slightly.They went to the city to watch a movie, and he said calmly: I still have things to do, so I can't go out.We decided not to wake you up.
I nodded, gave him a thumbs up, squatted down slowly, and pulled the suitcase out from under the bed, keeping my eyes on his movements.The music box is on the bedside table, stiff and pointy enough, and within easy reach, so I can use it to delay Daniel and get me out of here if I need to.But Daniel didn't move. I dialed the number, opened the box, took out the police ID and threw it to him.
Daniel scrutinized my papers.did you sleep wellHis tone was formal.
He stared down at the papers, obviously absorbed in it, and my hand was already on the bedside table, only a few centimeters away from the gun.But if I'm trying to tuck the gun into the waistband and he just can't look up.I zip up and lock the suitcase.
Not very good, I replied: My head still hurts like hell, I am going to read some books to see if it will feel better.see you laterI waved to Daniel's attention, then walked to the door and asked him to leave with me.
Daniel glanced at the ID again, then placed it on the bedside table tremblingly.Yes, he said: we should see you later.After speaking, he got up from the bed and walked downstairs with me.
Daniel is a strong man, but very light on his feet.I always feel that he is behind me, and I should be terrified, as long as he stretches out his hand and pushes, but I am not afraid at all.
My adrenaline was pumping, and I felt more fearless than ever.Nitrogen narcosis, Frank used to describe it, and warned me not to take it lightly.He said undercover, like deep-sea divers, could drown in buoyant ecstasy, but I didn't bother to care.
Daniel stood in the living room doorway, watching me with interest, listening to me humming the theme song to the movie How Could Johnny Love, and rummaging through records.I took Faure's "Requiem" and inserted it in front of other string sonatas.I figured Ranke should listen to something good once in a while to improve his culture, and besides I doubt he'd notice that I'd changed the music.
I turned up the volume and adjusted it to a pleasant and moderate level, then sat down on the chair, sighed contentedly, and flipped through a few pages of notepad.After that, I carefully unwrapped the bandages one by one, removed the microphone pinned to the bra, put all the equipment on the chair, and listened to the music quietly.
Daniel followed me through the kitchen, opened the French doors and walked out.I don't want to cross an empty lawn without video surveillance.Frank had warned me, but we didn't have one, and I had no choice.I followed the edge of the lawn and led Daniel into the woods.
After walking out of the sight of outsiders, I finally breathed a sigh of relief, and then remembered that my shirt was unbuttoned, so I quickly buttoned it up.If Frank really set up surveillance equipment, the scene just now would definitely make him think about something.
The alcove is brighter than I thought. The golden sunset slanted on the green grass, passed between the vines, and reflected on the flagstone floor mottled with light and shadow.
Even in jeans, the stone chairs were cold, and the vines wobbled back into place behind us.
Well, I say: we can start talking, but better keep your voice down, just in case.
Daniel nodded, dusted off the other stone chair and sat down.So, Lacey died.He said.
I think so, I replied: sorry.It feels ridiculous to say that, absurd and crazy and wrong in the extreme.
when?
The night she was assassinated.But she didn't suffer much, hope this makes your life easier.
Daniel didn't answer.He clasped his hands between his legs and looked out over the vines, the water murmuring at our feet.
Casey.Meadows, after a while, Daniel tried to call my name.I actually thought about it for a long time, you know, about your name.Casey.Meadows is right for you.
I like being called Kathy.I said.
Daniel didn't say anything.Why did you remove the microphone?
If it were someone else, I might just say something perfunctory and try to avoid it, for example, why are you asking?But not with Daniel.
I just want to know what happened to Lacey, and it doesn't matter if anyone else hears.Besides, I think if I had you trust me, you might be more willing to say it.
Maybe it was out of politeness, maybe he didn't care, but Daniel didn't catch the sarcasm in my words.You think I know how Lacey died?he ask me.
Yes, I said: Exactly.
Daniel pondered for a moment.In that case, shouldn't you be afraid of me?
Maybe, but I'm not afraid.
Daniel studied me for a while.You look a lot like Lacey, you know that?He said: not only the appearance and body shape, but also the personality is very similar.I suspected at first that it was just wishful thinking on my part to explain why I had been coaxed by you for so long, but the fact is that you are very similar.Lacie is not afraid of anything, she is like an ice skater, she can keep her balance even when she is going full speed, she can jump and spin in circles with joy and grace.I have always envied her.Daniel's eyes were hidden in shadows, and I couldn't see his expression.He said: If you don't mind me asking, are you doing this purely for fun?
No, I said: I didn't want to do it at all at first, it was Detective Frank's idea.He felt it was necessary for the sake of the case.
Daniel nodded, without any surprise on his expression.He suspected us from the very beginning.He said.I realized he was right, of course he was.Frank talked about a group of mysterious strangers traveling across the ocean to track down Lacey, but it was actually just a smokescreen.Sam would be shocked to know that I was going to live under the same roof as the murderer.Long before we set foot in the Homicide Squad offices, Frank's celebrated instincts kicked in.He had known for a long time that the answer was in this house.
The guy was interesting, I said Detective Frank, and Daniel said: he was like a charming killer in a Jacobean play, like Possola or Devereaux, always had the best one-man show.It's a pity you can't tell me, I really want to know how much he guessed, it must be amazing.
I wondered too, and I said: trust me.
Daniel took out the cigarette case, lifted the lid, and politely handed me a cigarette.I put my hands around the lighter, and he put his face in front of the flames, and I saw that he was focused, completely unmoved, and not panicked.
Well, Daniel lit a cigarette by himself, put away the cigarette case, and said to me: I think you must have a few questions you want to ask me.
Since I'm so like Lacey, I say: What's making me bleed?I couldn't help but ask.It's not a loss of self-esteem, I just want to know very much, what is the obvious difference between the two.
Daniel turned to look at me, the look on his face startled me, it felt a lot like affection, even sympathy.You did a great job, you know that?He said kindly: Even now, I don't think anyone else is suspicious.We have to decide what to do next, I say me and you.
I couldn't have done that well and I said: otherwise we wouldn't be here now.
Daniel shook his head and said: I guess that's underestimating both of us, don't you think?Honestly, your performance was flawless, but I knew, almost instantly, that something was wrong.Anyone who swaps a partner for his twin brother or sister can tell what's missing.But there are a million possible reasons why something is wrong, at first I thought you might be faking memory loss for reasons you know, but then it became more and more obvious that your memory was actually damaged.Because, for example, you have no reason at all to pretend that you've found the old photo, but you're clearly bothered that you forgot it.I used to think it was okay, I thought you might be planning to move out of the forest house, which of course is understandable, if you consider the previous accident but Abby seems very sure that you will not go, and I trust her judgment, and I feel that you do
Daniel turned to look at me.You are really happy, you know.Not only happy, but also satisfied and stable.Nest with us again, as if never left.Maybe you worked really hard, and you did far better than I expected, but it's hard for me to believe that my and Abby's instincts could be so wrong.
I had nothing to say, and suddenly wanted to curl up into a ball and scream loudly, like a child who was deeply shocked by the harshness of the world.I tilted my chin slightly at Daniel noncommittally, took a drag on the cigarette, and flicked the ash on the flagstone floor.
Daniel waited for me to speak, with a patient determination that made me shudder.After a long time, he found that I didn't intend to answer, so he nodded thoughtfully, as if agreeing with a certain idea in his heart.Anyway, he said: I ended up thinking that you, or Lacy, were just traumatized.Huge traumatic experience, and stabbing obviously is, can completely change a person's character, you know, can make a strong person weak, a happy person sullen, a mild person vicious, can shatter a person into millions Pieces, reassembled into new looks, completely indistinguishable.
Daniel's tone was calm and flat, and he turned his head again to look at the white hawthorn flowers swaying in the wind. I couldn't see his eyes.Lacey's changes, by comparison, were subtle, insignificant, and easily explained.I think Detective Rank should give you a lot of relevant information.
Detective Frank and Lacey, the video phone.
Daniel thought for a long time, making me think he had forgotten my question.There was a natural calmness on his face, perhaps due to the square jaw, that made it almost impossible to read his thoughts.Everything in the world is exaggerated, except Elvis Presley and chocolate.Finally, he said: Well done.
Is it the onion?I asked.
Daniel took a deep breath and regained his senses in a flash.Onions, he said with a faint smile: Lacey hated two things, onions and cabbage.We also don't like cabbage, which is a blessing in disguise, but onions have to compromise with each other, once a week.She still complains and picks out onions and stuff, mostly to tease Justin and Ray, I think.So when I see you finish the onion without saying a word, and still want it, I know there's something wrong.I don't really know why, because you cover it up so well, but I just can't let it go.The only explanation I can think of is that you're not Lacey, which is hard to believe but impossible.
So you set the trap, I say: Brogan's Bar.
Well, I wouldn't say it was a trap, said Daniel, a little harshly.It's more like a test, and it's a temporary idea.Lacie didn't feel much about Brogan's Bar, and probably hadn't even been there, and the person pretending to be her couldn't possibly know.You might be able to find out what Lacie likes and dislikes, but it's almost impossible to find out what she doesn't feel about.But you are right, and adding Elvis Presley's words makes me more sure.Then there was last night, that kiss.
I felt a chill all over my body, and then I remembered that I didn't bring a microphone.Lacey wouldn't do that?I asked lightly, and extinguished the smoke on the flagstone floor.
Daniel smiled at me, his smile was light and sweet, and he suddenly became handsome.Oh yes, he said to me: it fits her character and you kissed well, let me put it this way, I was unimpressed, he went on: No, the problem is your reaction.You were surprised for a second, completely frightened by what you did, but you quickly recovered, responded casually, and then found an excuse to escape.And you should know that Lacey will never be frightened by that kiss, not for half a second, nor will she choose to get away immediately, but feel that he thoughtfully blew a few smoke rings at the vines above her head, Said: full of ambition.
Why?I asked: Did she want this to happen?I ran through all the footage in my mind.Lacy flirted with Ray and Justin but never with Daniel, no sign of it, but it was probably a bluff to mislead others
This, Daniel: is where you'll let your shit out.
I stared at him blankly.
Daniel stamped out the cigarette with his foot.Not only can Lacey not think about the past, he said: she also can't think about the future after the next step.This may be one of the few areas where you have overlooked.It's not your fault. That kind of innocence is hard to imagine and hard to describe. It's almost as amazing as physical disability.I doubt she has the ability to plan to seduce others, but as long as it happens, she will never be surprised, let alone stop there.But you are different, obviously wanting to prevent possible consequences.I guess you should have a boyfriend or a partner in real life.
I didn't answer.So, Daniel said: After the others went out in the afternoon, I called the Dublin Police Station and said I wanted to contact Detective Sam.The lady who answered the phone couldn't find his extension at first, but after looking in some contacts, she gave me a number and told me it was the Major Crimes Office.
Daniel sighed softly, his voice was tired, as if it had finally come to an end.Major Crimes Unit, he whispered: So you see, I understand what's going on.
sorry.I said it again.All day long, when we're drinking coffee, pissing each other off, complaining about our hangover from last night, when he's sending the others to the movies and sitting in Lacey's dark little room waiting for me, he can't say anything , can only hide the truth in the bottom of my heart.
Daniel nodded.Well, he said: I know.
We were silent for a long time, and then I said: You should know that I have to ask you what happened.
Daniel took off his glasses and wiped them with a handkerchief.With the glasses removed, his eyes looked empty and blank.There is a Spanish proverb that has always fascinated me. He said: God said, take what you want and pay for it.
Daniel's words fell into silence, like cold pebbles dropped into water; they made no ripple.I don't believe in God, he said: But this sentence makes me feel divine, with a dazzling purity.What truth in the world is simpler and more important than this sentence?You can get everything by acknowledging that everything has a price, and being willing to bear it.
Daniel put on his glasses, stared at me calmly, put the handkerchief back into his shirt pocket and said: I think our society ignores the second half of the sentence, and only hear God say, take what you want, but never mention the price, wait until it needs to be paid It's hard to be angry.To take the most obvious example, our country's economy has been booming in recent years, but in my opinion, it is not without cost, and it is very high.Yes, we have sushi restaurants and vans, but there are people our age who can't afford a house in Dublin, and even though they were born and raised here, the communities built over centuries crumble like sand dunes.Everyone spends five or six hours commuting to work every day, and both parents have to work overtime to make ends meet, and they have no time to spend with their children.We no longer have time to enjoy culture, theaters are closing their doors, architectural buildings are disappearing and turned into commercial buildings, and so on.
Daniel spoke with forgetfulness, and there was no trace of anger in his tone.I don't think there is anything to be angry about. He saw what I was thinking and said: Actually, this shouldn't be surprising at all.We're getting what we want, we're paying for it, and there should be a lot of people who think it's a good deal.What really surprised me was the silence about the price.Politicians tell us time and time again how wonderful the world is now, but as long as someone has the foresight to point out that such a good gift might not have fallen from the sky in vain, what is the name of that poor little bastard, I mean Prime Minister?It will be on TV, not telling us to pay the price is justified, but sternly denying it, criticizing us for being outspoken like children.I ended up not watching TV at all, and Daniel added, a little grumpily, that we've become a living-by-paying nation where people buy things on credit and get their bills so pissed off they don't even bother to look at it.
Daniel nudges his glasses with his knuckles and winks at me.I've always accepted that he put it bluntly: the price is necessary.
for what?I said: what do you want?
Daniel pondered for a while, but I thought it was not thinking about what he wanted, but how to explain it to me.
In fact, in the end, he opened his mouth and said: It should be said that I don't want anything.Before I graduated from college, I found that ordinary people's trading was not suitable for me. I sold my time and comfort for a little luxury in life.I'd rather live a minimal life, as long as I can avoid the 9-to-5 life.I'm more than happy to sacrifice new cars, Southern holidays, and what's that called in order to do this? iPod.
Already my heart was burning, and the thought of him laying on the beach in Torremolinos, drinking colorful cocktails and shaking his head with his iPod almost made me explode.Daniel looked up at me, smiled and said: It's not really a sacrifice, not at all.But I overlooked one thing, no one is an island, I can't just walk away and break away from the mainstream way of life.When a transaction becomes the norm in society, that is, when it reaches a critical majority, people actually have no choice.These days it's hard to say that I'm going to live an easy life, he's either going to be a workaholic or he's going to live on toast in a crappy one-room apartment with fourteen students crammed upstairs.I'm not very interested in this kind of life.I tried it for a while, but couldn't stand the noise, plus the landlord was a troublesome old country guy who kept coming to the apartment at weird hours, looking for someone to talk to.And anyway, that's it.Liberty and comfort now cost so much, and those who want them must pay a very high price.
Don't you have any other choice?I asked: Are you rich?
Daniel glanced at me blankly, and I looked back blankly.After a moment, he sighed.I think I need a drink, he said: I remember I stayed yes, here Daniel is groping sideways under the stone chair, I'm subconsciously ready I don't have anything on hand as a weapon, but at least I can delay him with vines and run back Take the mic, call for backup but he just comes out with a bottle of whiskey half full.I picked it up last night and got too excited to forget about it.I think there should be something. Sure enough, he fished out another cup from under the stone chair.Would you like a drink?
Daniel took the good wine, Jameson ten year old whiskey.God knows how much I needed a drink, but no thanks.I said.It's best not to take risks at a critical moment, the guy in front of me is not ordinary smart.
Daniel nodded, inspected the glass, bent down to rinse the glass with water.Have you ever wondered, he asked, how alarming the level of panic is in our country?
Not often.I said.What Daniel was trying to say was a bit of a mystery to me, but I knew him and knew he had something to say, and he would do it at his own pace.Forty-five minutes to the end of Ferry's record, but I'm always good at letting suspects get their act together.No matter how strong and self-controlled a person is, after keeping a secret for a while (I should know this) it will be difficult to continue. It feels exhausting, exhausting, lonely, and suffocating.At this point, if they get a chance to speak up, you just need to bring it up now and then to keep the conversation on track, and they'll do the rest.
Daniel shook off the water in the glass, took out his handkerchief again and wiped the glass dry.The mentality of eating more than enough food will make people often panic and crazily suppressed in their hearts.We have one of the highest debt-to-income ratios in the world, and most people don't end up on the streets simply because they get paid.People in power, such as governments and employers, take advantage of this, because people who fear are the ones who obey, not only labor but intellectually and emotionally as well.The boss asks you to work overtime, and you know that if you refuse, you may lose everything you have, so you not only work overtime, but also convince yourself that you are willing to do it, not just working for the company, because otherwise, you will have to live in panic.In this way, we have unconsciously convinced ourselves that we have become dependent on many giant multinational companies, not only contributing man-hours, but also selling our thoughts to the companies.The only people who can move and think freely are those who are free from fear, who are either heroically brave, crazy, or know that they are perfectly safe from fear.
Daniel poured three fingers of whiskey.I don't feel like a hero in any way, he said, but I don't think I'm crazy either.I think Xiaorui and the others are not far from me, but I really hope we have a chance to be free.He put down the bottle and turned to look at me.You ask me what I want, I spent a lot of time asking myself, about a year or two ago, I finally came to the conclusion that I only want two things in this world: the freedom to think and the company of friends.
Daniel's words cut through me like a thin knife, injecting a sense of nostalgia.That doesn't sound like much.I said.
Oh, actually a lot, Daniel took a sip of wine and said in a slightly hoarse voice: Very much.You see, in order to have those two things, we need security, permanent security, so it goes back to your question.My parents' past investments gave me a meager income, ample in the 80s, but now I can't afford to rent a studio apartment.Rui's trust fund income is about the same as mine, Justin's PhD program no longer has pocket money, and Abby's stipend, too, and Lacey.How many jobs do you think there are in Dublin for people who study literature and just want to be together?Within a few months we will be in the same position as most of our fellow countrymen, trapped between poverty and servitude, at the mercy of landlords and employers, living on the streets without a paycheck for two weeks, in perpetual fear.
Daniel looked out through the vines, from the lawn to the balcony, and slowly swirled the glass, swirling the whiskey in circles.What we want, he said, is a home.
Is that safe enough?I asked: a home?
Well, of course, Daniel said, a little surprised: the effect on the mood of this is indescribable.As long as you have your own home, free and clean, who else can threaten you?Whether it's your landlord, your employer or your bank, who else has any control over you?In a pinch, you'll need almost nothing, and no matter how hard we are, we can scrape together money for food.And besides the loss of home, there is nothing more urgent and paralyzing of daily life in material terms.Once this fear is removed, we are free.Of course, I am not saying that everything will be peaceful if there is a family. I just want to emphasize that the family allows us to choose between slavery and freedom.
He obviously read the look on my face.God, I'm talking about Ireland, and he sounds a bit impatient, and a little history should make it clear, shouldn't it?The British did something far-reaching at the time, which was to take the land as their own and turn the Irish from landlords to tenant farmers.Once this step is taken, subsequent developments follow in a logical way: confiscation of crops, abuse of tenants, evictions, emigration, famine and a series of misfortunes and slavery, all stemming from this, inevitable, because the landless have no stronghold to retreat to resistance.I dare say that my family is as sinful as other British people. Now that the subject and the guest are different, and I am on the opposite side, some people may think it is delayed justice.But I don't feel that I have to accept my fate and think that I got what I deserved.
I rented a house, and I said: maybe I will live on the street if I don’t get my salary for two weeks, but I am not afraid.
Daniel nodded, not surprised.You may be braver than I think, he said: Or, forgive me for saying this, you don't know what you want yet, you haven't found what you really want to hold on to.Figuring that out changes everything, you know.Students and young people can rent houses and their freedom of thought is completely unimpeded because they have nothing to threaten them.Have you ever noticed how easy it is for young people to die?A little thing can make them sacrifice their struggle and give up their lives.That's because they have no connection to the world, haven't accumulated love, responsibilities, commitments, etc., all the people and things that fix us in the here and now, so they can easily let go, as easy as lifting a finger.But as you grow older, you will meet things that you want to keep forever, and suddenly, as the saying goes, you want to keep the green hills, and your whole person changes completely.
I felt dizzy, as if I had actually drunk alcohol.Maybe it's the adrenaline, or the weird lights flickering between the vines, Daniel's twisted thoughts, or just the weirdness of what's happening, I don't know.I thought of Lacey stealing poor Chad's car and driving away at night, I remembered Sam's face full of patience, I thought of the homicide office at dusk, and the files of other agents were placed on Rob's and me's desks .I thought of my apartment being empty and quiet, the dust starting to pile up on the bookshelves, the green standby light on the stereo blinking in the darkness.I loved that apartment, but then I realized I hadn't thought about it once for the past few weeks and suddenly felt very, very sentimental.
Dare I say, Daniel said: You should still have the original freedom, and you haven't found anyone or anything you want to keep.Daniel's gray eyes are focused, the whiskey in his hand exudes a fascinating golden luster, the sound of water is gurgling, and the shadows of leaves sway in his black hair like a dark wreath.I've had a buddy before, I say: a work buddy.You haven't seen it, he didn't handle the case.We are just like you, soul-to-heart.Others say we are like twins, two people are one person.That's Kathy Rob's case, let Kathy Robb do it If you ask me, I'd say that's what I want: me and him to work together again in the future, to retire on the same day, so we don't have to deal with anyone else partner.The serious crimes unit will only send one gold watch, not two.But I didn't think anything of it before, you know, took it for granted.I just want to get this one.
I never told anyone about it.After Rob was transferred from the major crimes unit, Sam and I never mentioned him. Whenever someone asked me, I would show the sweetest smile and give them the vaguest answer.Daniel and I are strangers, and we are on opposite sides. Although we talk politely, we kill each other behind our backs.He knew this and I knew it, but I told him anyway.In retrospect, it should have been the first warning sign.
Daniel nodded.But that was already a matter of the previous life, he said: besides, as the title of a book says, the girl is dead.
That's pretty much it, I said: Exactly.Daniel looked at me, his eyes shining beyond friendliness and sympathy, understanding.I thought, I really loved him at that moment, if I could leave the case and stay here, I would definitely do so.
I see.Daniel said, handing the cup to me.I shook my head subconsciously, but then changed my mind and took the glass.whatever.The whiskey is rich and smooth, making me burn all over my body and reach my fingertips.
Then you should be able to understand, Daniel said: what meeting them did to me.My world has completely changed, the weight of life has suddenly increased, the colors are heartbreakingly beautiful, life is unimaginably sweet, but also unspeakably horrible.It's all very fragile, you know, easy to break.I think that's what it's like to be in a relationship or have a baby, knowing that at any moment it could just pass away from you.We sprint until the ruthless world takes what we have.Before that, every second was so precious it took my breath away.
Daniel reached for the glass and took a sip.Later, he pointed at the house, which was the house.
What a miracle.I said.I'm not lying, I mean it.Suddenly, the palm of my hand seemed to touch the old wooden railing, and it felt warm and textured, like a living creature.
Daniel nodded.Unbelievable, he said: I believe in miracles, in the impossible.This room has of course always been a miracle to me, showing up when we needed it most.As soon as I received a call from Bo Gong's lawyer, I knew what it meant.Everyone else was hesitant, there were a lot of doubts, we argued for months, only Lacey was happy from the beginning, and now I think about it with sadness and irony.Abby was the hardest to convince, although she was most eager to have a family, maybe that was why she objected, I don't know, even she changed her mind anyway.我後來覺得關鍵在於一個事實，只要你百分之百確定一件事，就幾乎能說服任何人，不管他之前信或不信。而我當時非常確定，從來沒有這麼確定過。
所以你才讓其他人一起擁有這間屋子？
丹尼爾目光銳利看我一眼，但我裝出不是很感興趣的樣子。過了半晌，他又轉頭看著藤蔓之外。呃，不是為了爭取他們同意之類的，如果妳是這麼想的話，他說道：不算是，而是我想法中絕對必要的一步。雖然我很愛這間屋子，但我要的不是它，而是安穩，讓我們有一個安穩的港灣。假如我是唯一的擁有者，那就迴避不了殘酷的現實，我是其他人的房東，他們的處境沒有比之前好，必須仰我鼻息，無論搬家、結婚或賣掉都得看我決定。但我們一起擁有林屋，這裡就是所有人的家，永遠都是。
丹尼爾伸手將有如簾幕的藤蔓撥開，夕陽照得林屋的石牆橙紅一片，有如玫瑰，又像琥珀，窗戶閃耀得彷彿屋裡著火。
我覺得這個主意真棒，他說：幾乎完美得難以想像。搬家那天，我們清理煙囪，用冰冷的水洗地，點起壁爐，坐在火前喝黏稠稠的冷可可，想辦法烤吐司。爐子壞了，電熱水器也沒用，整間屋子只有兩只燈泡會亮。賈思汀把所有衣服穿在身上，抱怨我們會感染肺炎或吸入黴菌而死。小瑞和蕾西故意逗他，說聽見閣樓有老鼠，艾比警告他們兩個再胡說八道就去睡閣樓。我用壁爐的火烤吐司，烤壞就扔進火裡，我們都覺得很好玩，笑到喘不過氣來。我這輩子從來沒有這麼快樂過。
丹尼爾一雙灰眼目光沉靜，語調卻像鐘聲低鳴，讓我心頭一痛。我幾乎一搬來就發覺丹尼爾不開心，但到此刻才明白無論蕾西出了什麼事，他都非常心碎。
丹尼爾將一切都押在這個絕妙的點子上，結果卻輸了。不管別人後來怎麼說，我都認為自己那天在藤蔓之下就應該看出事情的結局，一切迅速不停地在我面前展現，清清楚楚，而我應該曉得如何阻止才對。
那是哪裡出了差錯？我悄聲問道。
當然是想法有瑕疵，丹尼爾語氣暴躁說：想法本身就有致命的缺陷，因為必須仰賴人類社會的兩大迷思：永恆的可能與人性的單純。這兩樣東西在書本裡有多少人謳歌讚美，但出了書本只是癡人說夢。我們的故事其實應該停在搬家那天，停在我們暢飲冷可可那一刻，他們從此過著幸福快樂的生活結束。可惜現實並非如此，我們不得不繼續生活下去。
丹尼爾將酒一飲而盡，皺了皺臉。這酒餿了，真希望有冰塊。
我等他又斟了酒，看他微微嫌惡看了杯子一眼，放在石椅上，之後才開口說：我能問你一件事嗎？ ,
丹尼爾輕輕點頭。你剛才提到凡事都有代價，我問道：那你為這間屋子付出了什麼？就我感覺，你是免費拿到自己想要的東西的。
丹尼爾眉毛一挑，說：妳真的這麼認為嗎？妳也在這裡住了幾個星期，應該很清楚代價是什麼才對。
我當然曉得，怎麼會不清楚，但我想親口聽他說。例如，我說：不談過去。
Don't talk about the past.丹尼爾重複一遍，彷彿自言自語。過了半晌，他聳聳肩說：這當然是其中之一，因為我們需要共同擁有一個全新的開始，但這還是容易的。我想妳應該也發覺了，我們幾個都沒有什麼美好到想要保留的過去。真正的困難其實都來自實際生活，而非心理層面，例如讓小瑞的父親不再打電話羞辱他；賈思汀的父親不再指控他和異教徒廝混，揚言報警處理；艾比的母親不再奇裝異服出現在圖書館，嗑藥嗑得胡言亂語之類的。不過，這些都算是小麻煩，可以解決的技術問題，只要花點時間。真正的代價其實
丹尼爾手指漫不經心繞著杯緣，凝視金黃的威士忌映著他的身影忽明忽暗。雖然我個人認為這麼說有過度簡化之嫌，片刻之後，他開口說道：但我想或許有人會說問題來自所謂的生命暫停。比方說，結婚生子變成不可能的選項，找到外人加入我們，還要契合這麼非比尋常的生活模式，即使對方再有意願，成功的機率也是微乎其微，根本不用考慮。另外，儘管我不否認我們的互動頗為親密，但我幾乎可以肯定地說，只要其中兩人認真發展感情，現有的平衡就會嚴重破壞，再也難以彌補。
親密？我想到蕾西的孩子，便問：誰和誰？
嘖，老實說，丹尼爾語氣微微不耐，我不認為這很重要。重點是，為了讓屋子成為大夥兒的家，我們不得不放棄許多別人認為不可或缺的生活目標，放棄小瑞父親稱為現實世界的一切。也許是威士忌的緣故，加上昨夜的宿醉與半空的肚子，我腦中不停浮現奇異的景象，彼此交纏，有如三稜鏡灑出細雨般的光點。我想起古代的故事：飽經風霜的旅者踉蹌逃離暴風雨，走進金碧輝煌的宴會廳，品嚐麵包與蜜酒，一切的過往倏地消逝無蹤。我想起我搬來的頭一天晚上，他們四個隔著滿桌食物對我微笑，舉杯祝福，蜷曲藤蔓光滑美麗，他們眼中映著燭光。我想起我和丹尼爾接吻前的一剎那，我們五人的身影漂浮在草波之上，立於我的面前，感覺甜美永恆，有如精靈夢幻得令人屏息。我想起耳後隆隆的鼓聲，警告我危險將至。
聽起來很糟，其實並沒有，妳知道，丹尼爾見我神情有異，便說：別相信什麼廣告詞，我們不可能擁有一切。犧不犧牲由不得我們，也不是時代錯誤，而是生命的現實。我們都必須自斷手腳，放到祭壇焚燒，差別只在於選擇送上哪一個祭壇，切斷哪一隻手腳，然後同意犧牲。
你也是，我說，感覺石椅在臀下搖晃，和藤蔓一起擺動，節奏緩慢令人暈眩。你接受犧牲。
沒錯，我是，丹尼爾說：我知道這麼做的後果，非常清楚，在決定這麼做之前就徹底想過一遍，認為值得為它付出代價。我不認為自己會有可能想要孩子，也從來不大相信靈魂伴侶的概念。我以為其他人也和我一樣權衡過輕重，決定值得犧牲。他將酒杯遞到唇邊喝了一口，說：這是我犯下的第一個錯誤。
丹尼爾冷靜無比。我當時沒聽出來，要到很久以後，當我在腦中回顧這段談話，試圖尋找線索，才察覺到這一點。丹尼爾自始至終都用陳述往事的語氣說話，不管聽的人有沒有發現，他都清楚一切已成過去。他坐在藤蔓之下，手握酒杯，沉著有如佛陀，凝望自己一手打造的船艦船艏傾斜，淹沒在波濤之中。
他們沒想清楚？我問，腦袋依然不受控制，輕飄飄的，感覺一切都像玻璃，滑溜無法把握。我忽然有個瘋狂的想法，難道威士忌下了藥？但丹尼爾喝得比我多，而且顯然沒事。還是改變主意了？
丹尼爾用拇指和食指按摩鼻梁。其實，他語帶疲憊說：事後回想起來，我一路犯的錯誤還多得驚人。就拿體溫過低這件事來說好了，我不應該相信的。其實我開頭就沒買帳，雖然我的醫學知識很少，但聽妳同事法蘭克警探這麼對我說，我根本一個字也不信。我認為他只是覺得假如我們以為是攻擊，而不是謀殺的話，會比較願意談，因為蕾西隨時可能會透露什麼。那一星期，我都認定他在胡扯，但後來丹尼爾抬頭看我，眨了眨眼睛，彷彿忘了我人在他身旁。但後來，那個，他說：妳就出現了。
丹尼爾目光離開我的臉龐，說：妳和蕾西簡直像得驚人，妳是妳們之前有親戚關係嗎？
沒有，我說：起碼我不曉得。
沒有，丹尼爾逐一翻找口袋，掏出煙盒與打火機說：她跟我們說她沒有家人，或許就是因為如此，我才沒想到回來的人是妳。這麼不可能的狀況一路都對妳有利，只要我們對妳有任何懷疑，認為妳不是蕾西，就得假定妳的存在，而這點很不可能。我應該想到柯南．道爾說過：剩下的可能無論多麼離譜，都一定是真相。
丹尼爾點燃打火機，側頭就著火光。妳知道，他對我說：我很清楚蕾西不可能活著，因為我親自檢查過她的脈搏。
院子沐浴在漸弱的夕陽裡，彷彿嚇呆了。鳥兒停止鳴唱，枝葉暫停擺動，屋子的沉靜有如龐然大物籠罩我們，豎耳傾聽。我愣得忘了呼吸。蕾西有如閃耀微風吹過草坪，在山楂樹林間搖蕩，停在我身旁的牆上，有如樹葉般輕盈，接著滑過我的肩頭，彷彿磷火沿著脊背向下猛竄。
what happened?我低聲問道，語氣很輕、很輕。
這個，老實講，丹尼爾說：妳知道我不能說。我想妳或許已經猜到，蕾西是在山楂林屋遇刺的，精確地點是廚房。妳不可能找到血跡，雖然她後來有流血，但被刺當時沒有。妳也不會找到刀子。我們沒有預謀，也無意殺她，我們追了出去，但等到發現她的時候，已經太遲了。我想我只能說這麼多。
好吧，我說：好吧。我雙腳用力踩著石板地，讓自己頭腦清醒。我很想伸手到池塘弄點冰水灑在頸背上，但不能讓丹尼爾看見，再說我也不認為會有用。Can I tell you my opinion?
丹尼爾輕輕點頭，一手很有禮貌地微微一撇，請便。
我認為蕾西打算賣掉她的林屋所有權。
丹尼爾毫無反應，連眼睛都沒眨一下，只是淡然看著我，有如主持口試的教授，接著彈彈煙灰，小心對準會被沖走的地方，將煙扔進池塘。
我很有把握自己知道原因。
我以為丹尼爾一定會有反應，絕對會，因為他已經挖空心思揣摩了一個月，但他只是搖搖頭，說：我沒必要知道，就算過去想過，但事已至此，知不知道都無所謂了。妳知道，我想我們五個人都有一點無情的因子，只是表現方式不同。或許這很自然，確定自己想要什麼，然後跨過那一條河。不用說，蕾西無情起來非常無情，但絕不是殘忍。當妳想到她，請千萬記得這一點。她從來沒有殘忍對人。
蕾西打算賣給你表哥奈德，我說：商務公寓先生，對我來說這麼做很殘忍。
丹尼爾哼笑一聲，冷酷嚴苛，讓我嚇了一跳。奈德，他嫌惡一撇嘴角說：我的天哪，比起蕾西，我更擔心這傢伙。蕾西和妳一樣意志堅強，假如她想告訴警方事情經過，就一定會說，但要是她決定封口，你們再怎麼努力也問不出來。然而，換成是奈德的話
丹尼爾嘆了口氣，將煙從鼻子忿忿噴出，搖搖頭說：奈德不是性格軟弱，而是根本沒有骨頭，一點價值也沒有，腦袋裡只有他認為別人想聽到的想法，七拼八湊。我們之前談到知道自己想要什麼奈德想將屋子變成高級公寓或高爾夫球俱樂部，只要講到就一頭熱。他做了一大堆複雜的財務推算，告訴我們接下來幾年每個人可以賺到幾十萬鎊，說得頭頭是道，卻完全不曉得幹嘛這麼做，一點概念也沒有。我問他賺到那麼多錢要做什麼他當然不是靠救濟品維生的貧民他竟然愣愣看著我，彷彿我說的是外國話。我的問題徹底超乎他的理解，離他的思考模式幾萬光年。他這麼做不是因為渴望環遊世界，或想辭去工作專心創作偉大的愛爾蘭繪畫，他拚命賺錢只是因為身旁一切都這麼說，告訴他應該追求金錢。他完全無法理解我們五個人可能有不同的偏好與需求，有自己的輕重緩急。
丹尼爾將煙捻熄。所以，他說：妳可以瞭解我為什麼擔心他。他有千萬個理由閉緊嘴巴，絕口不提自己和蕾西的交易，否則很可能搞砸協議。再者，他一個人住，而且據我所知沒有不在場證明，就連他自己也曉得，一旦出事很難不被當成主嫌犯。但我很清楚，只要法蘭克和山姆稍微認真偵訊他，所有顧慮都會飛出他的腦袋裡。奈德會變成他們想要的樣子，成為主動配合的證人、熱心履行義務的公民。當然，這不會是世界末日，奈德手上沒有任何能構成實質證據的東西，但他可能引出一大堆麻煩與壓力，而這是我們最不想見到的。然而，我沒辦法精確評估奈德，瞭解他在想什麼，再設法引導他遠離災難。蕾西，還有妳，我起碼還可以盯著，監視到某個程度，但他我知道和他接觸是最糟糕的選擇，但可惡，要是我不做，就可能失去一切。
話題講到奈德就很危險，我不希望丹尼爾想太多，關於奈德、我深夜散步和兩者的可能關聯。
你們一定氣壞了，我說：你們幾個，對他們兩個，會想攻擊她一點也不令人意外。I was serious.說來誇張，但整件事可以說是蕾西一手造成的。
丹尼爾聽我這麼說，默默沉思片刻，神情就如平常傍晚在客廳裡埋首書中一樣，神遊物外。
我們是很憤怒，他說：開始的時候。激憤填膺、震驚難過，感覺被家人捅了一刀。但換個角度來說，妳知道，最後拆穿妳的和開頭讓妳成功的其實是同一樣東西，就是妳和蕾西的關鍵差異。只有蕾西這樣的人，對行動與後果沒有一點概念，才能泰然自若地回到家裡，和我們相處，彷彿什麼事也沒發生。假如她不是這樣的人，我們一定不會原諒她，妳也根本沒機會踏進這間屋子。但蕾西我們都曉得她從來沒有意圖傷害大家，一秒鐘也沒有，因此她完全沒有意識到這麼做會傷害我們，造成多大的震驚與難過，她其實一直無法想像，所以丹尼爾疲憊地深呼吸一口氣，所以才能回家。
彷彿什麼事也沒發生。I said.
I think so.蕾西從來無意傷害我們，我們也無意傷她，更別說殺人，我還是覺得這應該代表些什麼。
我想也是，我說：事情就這樣發生了。她已經和奈德商量過一段時間，但還沒達成協議就被你們發現了。老實說，我已經大概知道事跡是如何敗露的，但沒必要現在告訴丹尼爾，我想等之後效果更大再說。我想你們大吵一架，過程中有人刺了蕾西。也許大家都不曉得出了什麼事，連當事的兩人都沒察覺，蕾西很可能以為自己只是被打了，我感覺自己彷彿身歷其境，所有細節看得清清楚楚。她奪門而出，朝荒廢小屋跑去，也許因為約好和奈德碰面，也許只是直覺，我不曉得。總之，奈德沒有出現，發現蕾西的人是你們。
丹尼爾嘆息一聲。差不多，他說：沒錯，大致就是如此。妳難道不能停在這裡就好？重點妳都知道了，其他枝微末節沒什麼用處，只會對別人造成很大傷害。蕾西人很可愛、很複雜，可惜死了，剩下的事情還有什麼好說的？
這個嘛，我說：例如誰殺了她。
妳有沒有想過，丹尼爾的語氣開始浮現出一絲激動，他問：蕾西希不希望妳查出真相？不管她當時想做什麼，她都愛著我們。假如她知道妳潛進來是為了摧毀我們，妳想她會願意嗎？
我身旁一切依然扭曲著，振動我腳下的石板。高空中有東西彷彿細針，在每一片葉子背後顫動。是她找我，我說：不是我找她，是她來到我面前的。
Maybe.Daniel said.他隔著流水彎身湊到我面前，鏡片放大了他的灰色眼眸，深不見底。
但妳真的那麼有把握她想復仇？她其實大可以跑到村裡，一點也不難，隨便敲一扇門，找人叫救護車和警察。村民也許不喜歡我們，但我不認為他們會拒絕協助一個明顯受傷的女孩子。然而，她卻直接跑到小屋，待在那裡等著。妳難道沒想過，蕾西可能願意就此了結生命，包庇殺死她的兇手，同意為我們其中一人犧牲？妳難道沒有想過為了她，妳或許應該尊重她的意願？
空氣味道奇特，甜美如蜜，卻又帶著鹹味。的確，我說，腦中的思緒似乎怎麼也無法傳到舌尖，讓我很難開口。我有想過，一直在想。但我這麼做不是為了蕾西，而是為了工作。
這麼說非常老套，我也只是脫口而出，但一字一句卻像鞭鳴聲聲驚人，有如強力電流振動藤蔓，在水上耀眼閃爍。我忽然回到那個臭氣薰天的樓梯間，手插口袋仰頭注視年輕混混毫無生氣的困惑臉龐。我倏地清醒過來，作夢般的暈眩消逝無蹤，臀下石椅再度變得堅固濕黏。丹尼爾看著我，眼神重新警覺而防備，彷彿面對徹底的陌生人。這時，我突然明白自己說得一點沒錯，或許從頭到尾都是如此。
那，丹尼爾說：這樣的話
他從我面前退開，緩緩後仰靠牆。兩人一陣沉默，只剩四下嗡鳴。蕾西，丹尼爾開口說道，隨即頓了一下，語氣裡沒有半點起伏。她這會兒人在哪裡？
在停屍間，我說：我們還聯絡不到她的近親。
我們會儘可能幫忙料理後事，我想蕾西也希望這樣。
命案還在偵辦，屍體是證物，我說：我不認為警方會交給你們，她得一直待在那裡，直到偵查終結。
我無須描述細節，我曉得丹尼爾腦中的畫面。我心裡也有同樣的影像，有如一套全彩幻燈片，隨時準備播放。丹尼爾臉上閃過一絲異樣，鼻子和雙唇微微一縮。
一旦我們查出兇手是誰，我說：我就能向組裡爭取將屍體交給你們，因為你們也算是她的近親。
丹尼爾眼皮淺淺跳動，變得一臉茫然。事後看來，我想（這不是為自己找藉口）這是丹尼爾最容易讓人忽略的特點。在他彷彿置身象牙塔的恍惚神情底下，有著一顆無比冷酷現實的心靈。戰場上的軍官面對敵人包圍，部屬遭受生命威脅，絕對會義無反顧拋下陣亡弟兄，沒有絲毫遒豫。
很顯然，丹尼爾說道：我希望妳離開林屋。其他人還要一小時左右才會回來，應該夠妳收拾東西，做好必要的安排。
這樣的發展並不意外，但我還是感覺被人甩了一巴掌。丹尼爾小心地將煙放在石板地上撚熄，說：可以的話，我不希望他們知道妳是誰，妳應該瞭解這對他們的打擊可能有多大。我必須承認，我還不曉得該怎麼做，但我想妳和法蘭克警探應該早就想好怎麼脫身了吧，不是嗎？讓妳可以安然離開，不會引起懷疑的說法？
事到如今，我顯然得這麼做，也只能這麼辦。一旦身分敗露，就要盡快抽身。我已經對蕾西仁至義盡，將嫌犯縮小到四個人，山姆和法蘭克一定能接手。至於這段談話為何沒有錄音，我也可以自圓其說，只要把線路弄斷，辯稱是意外就好。法蘭克可能不信，但他不會在乎。我可以自行決定回報哪些談話內容，之後就下台一鞠躬，帶著完美的表現凱旋回家。
但我壓根沒想到這麼做。沒錯，的確有，我說：我可以在兩小時內離開，完全不洩漏自己的身分。但我不打算這麼做，我要待著直到查出誰殺了蕾西，還有殺人的原因為止。
丹尼爾轉頭看我，我立刻嗅到一絲威脅，有如霜雪冰冷強烈。這不是很自然嗎？因為我不僅侵犯了他的家和家人，還想將兩者一舉殲滅。
他或他的夥伴已經為此殺了一個女孩子，而她做的事情還比我輕微。丹尼爾有力氣置我於死，也可能聰明得足以逍遙法外，我的槍又放在臥室。水流涓涓，在我們腳邊輕聲哼唱，我的脊背電流猛竄，直貫掌心。我動也不動，定睛望著他，兩眼分毫不眨。
過了許久，丹尼爾肩膀微微一動，幾乎無法察覺，我發現他的眼神陷入沉思。他放棄取我性命，開始盤算別的作法，腦海中跑過各種可能，不停整理、分類、連結，快得讓我難以揣測。
妳查不出來的，妳知道，他說：妳認為我不想傷害其他人這點對妳有利，而只要他們繼續相信妳是蕾西，妳就有機會讓他們開口。但請妳聽好了，他們全都明白茲事體大。所謂茲事體大，指的不是我們當中有人會坐牢，因為妳手上根本沒有證據顯示嫌犯是誰，不可能逮捕我們其中一個或全部四人，否則早就做了，不必玩偽裝臥底的把戲。老實說，我敢打賭幾分鐘前，妳根本還不確定目標就在山楂林屋裡。
我們向來不排除任何可能。I said.
丹尼爾點點頭。就目前來說，坐牢是我們最後需要擔心的事，但請妳從他們的角度來看一下。假設蕾西活得好好的，平安回到家裡，結果發現事實真相，我們努力建立的一切就會瓦解。讓我們隨便舉例，假設她發現動刀的人是小瑞，差點要了她的命。妳覺得蕾西有可能繼續和小瑞住在一起，既不害怕，也不怨恨，不會用這一點來對付他嗎？
我還以為你說她完全不念過去呢。I said.
嗯，這兩個情況有點不一樣，丹尼爾語帶不悅。小瑞不大可能認為蕾西會完全釋懷，好比只是爭執該誰去買牛奶一樣。就算蕾西真的釋懷，妳難道覺得他可以每天和蕾西相處，知道她只要一通電話給法蘭克或山姆，就能讓他坐牢，卻絲毫不以為意，覺得沒有危險嗎？別忘了，我們說的是蕾西，她隨時可能拿起電話，完全不會意識到可能的後果。小瑞怎麼可能像往常一樣對待蕾西，調侃她、和她吵架，甚至反對她的意見？還有，其他人怎麼辦？整天如履薄冰，他們兩人交換的每一個眼神、每一個字都可能蘊藏危機，稍有不慎就會引爆地雷，將一切炸成碎片。妳覺得我們這樣子能撐多久？
丹尼爾的語氣冷靜平淡，香煙輕煙裊裊，他抬頭凝視煙霧緩緩向上飄散，穿越一束束陽光。我們撐得過拿刀傷人這一關，他說：但彼此之間對這件事心知肚明卻會毀了我們。這句話出自一個重視知道勝於一切的學術研究者口中，感覺或許有點奇怪，但妳可以讀《聖經》的<創世紀>，甚至詹姆斯一世時期的劇作，他們都曉得知道太多可能讓人喪命。我們只要待在同一個房間，這件事就會像帶血的刀出現在我們之間，最後將我們剝成碎片。我們誰都不願意見到這種結局。打從妳踏進山楂林屋的那一天，我們便一直極力避免悲劇發生，拚命讓生活回復正常，他眉毛一挑，嘴角浮出淺笑。應該可以這麼說吧，我想。告訴蕾西是誰刺傷她，只會破壞回復正常的希望，相信我，其他人不會說的。
和人太親近，花太多時間與他們相處，甚至愛他們太深，有時反而看不到對方真正的面貌。除非丹尼爾刻意騙我，否則他又犯了錯，一個他一犯再犯的錯誤。在他眼中的其他四人不是他們實際的樣子，而是應該表現出來的樣子，是在美好世界可能存在的樣子。丹尼爾忽略了一個根本的事實，艾比、小瑞和賈思汀已經分裂了，筋疲力盡。這個事實每天盯著他看，在他上下樓時有如冷風從他身旁吹過，早上和我們一起鑽進車裡，晚上跑到餐桌縮在我們之間，他卻始終不曾看見。此外，他還忽略了一件事，就是蕾西可能也有秘密武器，並且交給了我。丹尼爾知道他的世界正在瓦解，卻依然相信裡面的居民安然無恙，有如十二月的寒冬，五個人臉龐浮現在大雪之中，冰冷、明亮、純潔而永恆。我們相處了幾個星期，這是我頭一回意識到他比我年輕許多。也許吧，我說：但我非得試試。
丹尼爾仰頭靠牆，嘆了一口氣，忽然顯得非常疲憊。的確，他說：沒錯，我想也是。
由你決定，我說：你可以現在告訴我事情經過，在我裝回麥克風之前。這樣子其他人回來的時候，我已經離開這裡。之後警方如果過來逮人，那就看法院相信你的說法，還是我的證詞。不然我就留下不走，你最好賭我不會錄到什麼證據。
丹尼爾伸手抹了抹臉，勉強挺直腰桿。妳知道，我很清楚，他望著煙，彷彿忘了自己還拿著它。事情發展到現在，回復正常幾乎不可能。老實說，我也曉得我們的計畫從一開始便是不可行的。但我們和妳一樣別無選擇，只能冒險一試。
丹尼爾將煙扔在石頭地上，用鞋尖踩熄，冷漠疏離的神情再度回到他的臉龐。他戴起面對外人用的面具，語氣帶著言盡於此的味道。我就要失去他了。只要我們繼續談話，我就還有一絲機會，即使微乎其微。但他隨時可能起身回到屋裡，而一切也將隨之告終。
假若下跪能讓他不走，我一定立刻跪在石板地上求他留下。但這人是丹尼爾，我唯一能夠倚靠的只有邏輯與冷酷的理性思考。我說，我盡量保持語氣平淡：你這樣只是大大增加麻煩而已。要是我真的錄到什麼，那麼根據情節輕重，你們四個很可能統統得去坐牢，其中一人是謀殺，剩下三人是從犯或共謀。到時你們還剩什麼？之後又能回到哪