Chapter 2 first letter

All the while, I lived a life of shame. For life, I have no goals.Since I grew up in the countryside of Northeast China since I was young, the first time I saw a train was after I was older.I went up and down the overpass of the train station, completely unaware that it was built to cross the railway tracks. I just felt that the structure inside the station was like a foreign playground, complicated and interesting. I thought it was only installed for fashion. Really thought so for quite a long time! For me, running up and down the overpass is a pretty fashionable game, I always thought it was one of the best services of the railway bureau, then when I found out it was used to let passengers cross When looking at the practical stairs of iron props, I suddenly feel dull.

When I was a child, when I saw things like subways in picture books, I didn't think they were built for practicality. I just thought that it would be better to take a ride underground than a car on the ground. A different and fun game. I was weak and sickly since I was a child, and I was often bedridden, but when I lay down, I felt that sheets, pillowcases, quilts, etc. were all boring equipment. It was not until I was almost twenty that I accidentally discovered that these were practical items. I feel dejected and saddened by the frugality of human beings. Also, I never knew what it was to be hungry.No, it doesn't mean that I grew up in a well-fed family, not in such a stupid sense.Is it because I have no idea what it's like to be hungry?Although it sounds a bit weird, even if I am hungry, I don't even notice it.

I still remember that when I was in elementary or middle school, as soon as I came back from school, the people around me would rush to say to me: Ah!Are you hungry?The stomach is most likely to be hungry after school, how about some sweet natto?And honey cakes and bread!Therefore, I will use my natural flattery to murmur that I am hungry! , and then stuffed into about ten pieces of sweet natto in one bite.But what does it feel like to be hungry?I really don't understand at all! Of course, I eat quite a lot, but I don't have the slightest memory of eating because I was hungry.I will eat the delicacies that everyone agrees with, and I will also eat the rich delicacies in the eyes of others, and when I go to other people's homes, I will eat the food they serve until I am full.

However, for me in my childhood, the most painful time was when I was eating in my own home. At home in the countryside, more than ten family members all face the food and line up in two rows facing each other. As the youngest child in the family, I naturally sit in the rearmost seat. In addition to being a little dark in the dining room, when eating lunch, the appearance of more than ten members of the whole family eating food without saying a word always makes me feel shuddering.In addition, it is a traditional rural family relationship, and the side dishes are roughly the same. There is no need to expect any precious and rich food, so I gradually feel afraid of the moment of eating.

Sometimes at the end of the dark dining room, under the thought that I was shivering from the cold, I would bring the food to my mouth bit by bit and force it in. I even thought about why people eat three meals a day ah?Actually!Everyone is eating with serious expressions, which may be regarded as a symbolic ceremony, so the family gathers in the slightly dark dining room at a fixed time three times a day in the morning and evening, arranges the meals in order, and chews the meals in silence even if they don’t want to eat , lowered his head and prayed to the ghosts in the house. If you don't eat, you will die!That sounds like just a nasty threat.This kind of superstition (I still can't help thinking that it is a superstition), but it always brings me anxiety and fear.People, if you don't eat, you will die!So you have to make money and eat.

For me, there is no sentence more difficult to understand and more menacing shock than the sentence just now.In other words, I don't seem to have any understanding of how humans make a living. I feel uneasy because I eat differently from the human concept of happiness in the world, and I even toss and turn every night because of this, whispering and moaning, or going crazy because of it. What exactly is happiness?In fact, since I was a child, I have been described as a happy person from time to time by others, but I always feel that I am in hell. On the contrary, I feel that those who think I am happy have nothing to compare with, and they always think that I am very comfortable. .

I even felt that if I bore ten disasters, if someone else bears one of them, it would be enough to kill them. Anyway, I don't understand.I have no clue as to the nature and extent of the suffering of others. The actual pain is just the pain that can be solved by just eating, but this is the most intense pain, and you may still be trapped in those pains until even your ten disasters are wiped out. (The hell that will burn the body of the dead with raging fire will never rest, and step into the stage of extreme pain step by step, also known as the endless hell). Whether this is the case, I don't know.But is it not painful to be able to continue to struggle with life without suicide, without madness, talking about the party normally, without despair, without humiliation?Is it possible to have the self completely, and take it for granted, without doubting yourself at all?

If this is true, it will be much easier, but is the so-called person a perfect score if this is true?I don't know that if you sleep deeply at night, you will feel refreshed in the morning?What kind of dream did you have?When walking on the road, what is going through your mind?Is it money?No, it's not just that, is it?Although I have heard that food is the most important thing for people, I have never heard such words as living for money. No, but it depends on the situation. It seemed as if he had changed himself, and he was attacked by anxiety and fear all over the place.I can barely chat with other people.So what to say, I don't know.

At this point, I was thinking about entertaining other people. This is my last courtship to man.While I am extremely afraid of people, I can't give up on people no matter what.Therefore, I have to please people in order to maintain a slight connection with human beings.Although the smiles are constantly blooming on the surface, the heart is extremely nervous. This is the service with a slim success rate, a close call, and a cold sweat. How miserable has my family been since childhood?What do you live with in your mind?I don't have any idea about these things, I'm just afraid, I can't stand this kind of discomfort, and let myself become a pleasing master.In other words, I don't know when I became a child who couldn't tell half the truth.

If you saw the photo of me and my family at that time, everyone had a serious expression, only I smiled with a weird crooked face.This is also a way of entertaining me when I was young and pathetic. Also, I have never talked back to my parents for nagging me.Even a small reprimand would make me feel like a bolt from the blue, almost insane.Not to mention talking back, that kind of blame is exactly the so-called unchanging human truth! Could it be that I cannot live with people because of my inability to practice the truth?I still get stuck in my thoughts like this.So I can't argue and I can't justify myself.If someone insults you, you will think it is your fault no matter what, and you will silently bear the attack.Deep in my heart, I felt a frenzied terror.

When being blamed and reprimanded by others, perhaps no one is still in a good mood.But I saw in other people's furious faces an animal nature that was more terrifying than lions, crocodiles, and dragons.Usually, they hide their true nature, but just like a cow sleeping peacefully on the grassland, its tail will suddenly flick to kill the gadfly on its stomach. Whenever there is an opportunity, people will be afraid of it. The real body will be revealed through rage inadvertently. Seeing me like this, I always feel a shiver like chills.Such a nature may also be one of the qualifications for people to survive!Thinking of this, I almost felt a sense of despair. I always tremble with fear when it comes to people. As a human being, I have no confidence in my own words and deeds, and then I will secretly store my troubles in a small empty box on my chest, hiding my melancholy and nervousness, and trying my best to pretend to be innocent The innocent Lotte has gradually become a freak who entertains others. It's okay to let people make fun of me, so people don't care that I'm outside their so-called life?In short, don't get in the way of those people's eyes, I don't exist, I'm just a gust of wind and illusory, I think so more and more strongly. I try to amuse my family by my antics, and even the servants and maids, who inexplicably frighten me more than my family, are the ones I try to entertain. I used to walk down the hallway in the summer wearing a red sweater under a summer one-piece kimono, and my family laughed.Even the elder brother who seldom smiled couldn't help it, and persuaded in a loving tone: Hello!Ah Ye!This is inappropriate! Well, after all, I'm not one of those freaks who walk around in a sweater on a hot day and don't feel the heat or cold.It's just that she wears her sister's leggings on her arms, protruding from the cuffs of her kimono, and at first glance she looks like she's wearing a sweater. My father is very busy with his business in Tokyo, so there is a Betsuin in Sakuragicho, Ueno, and he spends most of the time in the Tokyo Betsuin every month.When my father came back, he would bring back a lot of local products for his family and even relatives. I think this seems to be his interest.Once my father gathered the children in the living room the night before returning to Tokyo, and asked each of them with a smile, what local products should I bring when I come back next time?Then write the children's responses in a notebook.It is a rare thing for a father to be so close to his child. Ye Zang, how about you?When asked about it, I hesitated to speak. Once asked what he wanted, he suddenly wanted nothing.Everything is fine, anyway, there is nothing to make me feel happy, such thoughts flashed in my heart.At the same time, no matter how much you don't like what others give you, you can't refuse it.I can't say what I hate about the things I hate, and I feel very unpleasant about the things I like, and I feel extremely unpleasant, and the whole person is bored in a kind of unspeakable fear. In short, I don't even have the ability to choose between the two.I think this may also be the character that eventually became one of the major reasons for my so-called shameful life. I was silent and shy, and my father said a little unhappy: Is it still a book?In the shopping street in Asakusa, there are lions for the New Year’s lion dance. They are of a moderate size and can be worn by children. Do you want them? Do you want it?Hearing this sentence, he knew that there was no room for change, and he couldn't even come up with a ridiculous answer.I'm a total failure to be a pleasing buffoon. Where are the books?OK?The elder brother said seriously. Yeah?The father showed a disappointed expression, he didn't even write down the notebook, and closed the notebook with one hand. What a failure, I made my father angry, and my father's revenge must be terrible!Nothing can save me now, that night, I hid under the quilt and thought while shivering. So, I got up secretly and went to the living room, opened the desk drawer where my father had kept the notebook, took out the notebook and flipped through it, found the place where the gift was registered, licked the pencil in the notebook, and wrote after the lion dance, Go back to the room and sleep. I don't want a lion dancing lion at all, but the book is better.But I realized that what my father wanted to buy me was a lion, and he was blindly trying to cater to my father's wishes to appease his bad mood, so I dared to sneak into the living room in the middle of the night to take such an adventure, which is really strange.However, my extraordinary means brought great success as expected.Soon, my father came back from Tokyo, and I heard him say loudly to my mother in the children's room: I opened the notebook in the toy store on the shopping street, and lo and behold, here it is!Wrote a lion dance, this is not my word!Alas, I was wondering, so I thought, this is Ye Zang's prank!That guy smirked and kept silent when I asked him, but he still couldn't help but want a lion!What a weird boy!Pretend to be okay and write it down in the notebook.If you really want it that much, just say it!Me, I laughed out loud in the toy store!Call Ye Zang quickly! In addition, I would summon the male and female servants to a Western-style room, ask a male servant to knock on the keys of the piano indiscriminately (although it is in the country, but in this house, there is still nothing missing), and I will cooperate with the wilderness. The melody was full of accents, and I showed everyone an Indian dance, which made everyone laugh.My second brother would light up the flash to take pictures of my dancing poses, and when I saw the developed photos, my loincloth (it was a tulle furoki) was seamed with a small dick, which attracted the whole family again People roared with laughter.For me, this may be another unexpected success! I have more than ten latest juvenile magazines to read every month, and there are other books from Tokyo, so characters such as Dr. strangeness.In addition, I am quite familiar with ghost stories, storytelling, stand-up comics, Edo humorous short essays, etc., so no matter how funny the story is, I will tell it with a serious expression, which makes my family laugh again and again. scene. But, alas, school! I started to be respected there.The very idea of ​​being respected terrifies me, too.I have almost completely deceived the people around me, so if one day I am seen through and smashed by a very smart person, I will encounter a shame that even death can't erase. This is my self in the state of being respected definition.If you deceive the world, even if you are deeply respected, someone will know the truth.Afterwards, people will also be taught by that person. When they realize that they have been deceived, what will people's fury and revenge look like at that moment?It's creepy just imagining it. Being good grades earned me more respect at school than being born into a wealthy family.I have been weak and sickly since I was a child, and I was often bedridden for one, two months, or even nearly a semester, without going to school.But even so, when I dragged my recovering body and got on a rickshaw to the school to take the final exam, I did better than any other student in the class.Even if I am in good health, I don’t read books briskly. At school, I draw manga during class, and then tell my classmates during the break to make them giggle.In addition, when writing essays, I always write some funny stories, even if the teacher notices, I still won't stop. One day, as usual, I wrote the story of myself accidentally urinating in the spittoon in the passageway of the train when I took the train with my mother to Tokyo. (At the time, it wasn't that I didn't know it was a spittoon. I did it on purpose to show the innocence of a child.) Confident that the teacher would laugh, I secretly followed to ask for the answer. I went to find out behind the teacher in the faculty office. The teacher walked out of the classroom door and quickly took out my essay from the crowd. While reading it, I walked through the corridor, sniggering. Not long after entering the office, I don’t know if I Because of the relationship after reading it, the teacher burst into laughter with a flushed face, and showed it to other teachers rarely.I am quite satisfied with this move. clown! I have managed to be considered a so-called living treasure.I have managed to escape respectability.Although all the subjects in my contact book are full of 10 points, only the conduct is 7 points or 6 points, which is often the source of laughter at home. It is said that my nature is so funny, it is probably the result of many years.At that time, I had learned and experienced sorrow from the servants and maids. To commit such an act on a young child is, and I still think so, the ugliest, basest, cruelest crime a man can commit.But, I endured it.He even felt that he saw another human trait, and then smiled weakly.If I had acquired the habit of telling the truth, I might have been able to tell my parents all about their crimes without fear, but even my parents could not fully understand them.Tell others that I expect nothing from this approach.Whether you tell your father, mother, people around you, or the government, what you hear is not just the superficial words of the world's dominant people. I am fully aware that injustice must exist.I just have a feeling that I can't tell people, I better not tell the truth, hold back, and keep entertaining people. What, you say you don't trust people?Is there a mistake?When did you become a Christian?Maybe someone would mock it like that.But I don't think it is necessary to go through religion to develop distrust of people.man!Including those who ridicule, aren't they all in mutual distrust, without even a single thought of Jehovah in their heads, living indifferently! Back then, when I was very young, a celebrity from my father's political party came to town to give a speech, and the servants at home took me to listen.The audience was full, and a few people in the town who had a good relationship with his father could be seen clapping vigorously.After the speech, the audience gathered in small groups and walked together on the snow-covered journey home, talking bad things about tonight's speech.There is also the voice of a friend who is particularly close to my father.How bad was the opening speech of the father, and what was the content of the celebrity's speech could not be understood, those confidants in the father's mouth said in an angry tone.Then when these people passed by my house and came into the living room to visit, they put on a look of sincere joy and told my father that the speech tonight was really a success.Even the footmen, when asked by their mother how the speech was tonight, said it was interesting as if nothing had happened.Even though they were on their way back, they sighed to each other that there is nothing more boring than giving a speech tonight. Although, this is just one common example.Mutual deceit and no matter which party is inconceivably intact, even the mutual deception is not even discovered, fresh, aboveboard, cheerful mutual distrust, this kind of case, I think, exists everywhere in people's lives.But personally, I'm not very interested in this kind of mutual deception.Instead, I deceive people from morning to night by entertaining them.I don't care much about the so-called justice and other moral values ​​in ethics textbooks.It's hard for me to comprehend that people who lie to each other can live openly and happily, or seem to have the confidence to live. Human beings cannot teach themselves the wonderful truth.If I even understood this, I wouldn't need to be so fearful and try my best to please people.There is no need to confront people's lives and taste the pain of hell every night. In short, I did not tell anyone about the disgusting crimes of my subordinates. This is not out of distrust of people, and of course it is not for Christianity, but because of people's strong attachment to me called Ye Zang. Close the shell of trust!Even my parents let me see things from time to time that I couldn't understand. I found that many women instinctively sniffed out the loneliness of being unable to appeal to others, which was also one of the reasons why I was often taken advantage of in the future. In short, for women, I am a man who can have a crush on.